Coai Week 2023 - Little by Little

By Crystal Snowflakes

III. regret || killing orders

She flipped her magazine closed with a sigh before slipping it back in her purse and sat back in her chair, feeling exhausted beyond words.

The repetitive beeps from the heart monitor were occasionally interrupted by the soft sound of his snores.

For the first time since she'd arrived, she studied him carefully, taking in the bandaging around his head and the shoulder splint he was currently sporting. He had finally drifted off to sleep once the Professor ushered the kids out of the room to drive them home.

Not many things got under her skin nowadays, but the sight of him lying so lifeless and pale on a hospital bed made her stomach turn. There was no denying how tired he looked though. His face was drawn into sharp lines, and there were dark circles under his eyes that made him look even paler than usual.

When she had first gotten news that he'd been in an accident, she hadn't been able to believe her ears. Despite the sinking feeling she felt when he didn't answer her call, she had convinced herself that she was being her usual paranoid self. After all, how many times had he missed her call, only to show up fine hours later because the idiot couldn't be bothered to pick up?

And now that she knew he was fine, she couldn't decide whether she felt relieved or angry that he had been wandering around for hours in the rain without a jacket.

Except she also couldn't stop the guilt and regret and shame from creeping up on her again whenever she thought him being in the cold, wet weather by himself. Because she knew why he went out by himself last night, and he was in that position because of her.

A groan that escaped his lips caught her attention, and as he shifted, his brows furrowed and his jaw clenched tight. Her chest tightened at the sight, and she reached across him to fix the blankets before gently brushing his hand with hers.

He was having another nightmare.

His skin felt damp beneath her touch, and even though his eyelids fluttered briefly, he didn't wake up.

"You've got a concussion, you know," she said before forcing a wry smile. "If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to show off and use that big head of yours."

He mumbled something, but it wasn't quite coherent enough for her to understand. She continued to hold his hand while he slept, and she couldn't help the odd sense of protectiveness from washing over her.

"So rest and get better," she whispered. "I promise I'll stay until you wake up."

Maybe it was a figment of her imagination, but she swore she saw him visibly relax at her words.

And while she was confident that he would no doubt heal and be back to himself soon enough, seeing him like this—so vulnerable and fragile—caused unwanted thoughts to arise.

In the deep recesses of her mind—and not for the first time—she wondered if it would've been more merciful to have taken his life back then to spare him so much suffering and pain.

Completed: August 29, 2023