Trigger Warning: Suicidal ideation, child abuse, trauma.
Gus
I have a rebel at the point of my spear. A rebel who is as cruel as he is beautiful, a rebel who broke my heart. I remember I spent most of interview night staring at Hephaestion's throat, wondering which of the other Careers would pierce his perfect skin with their weapons. Now I know it's going to be me.
I hope it'll undo all the times I kissed him there over the last two days.
"Why would you pretend to love me?" I ask.
"Régine Maurin seduced Ageis Sacro," Hephaestion says. "She took the niece of the second most loyalist victor in Panem and she made her a rebel. So imagine my absolute joy when I find out I'm sharing the arena with the one conquest worth more than a Sacro and he wants to join my alliance. I made a Starkwain my little pet. Régine would be so proud of me. I know she's watching over me. She chose me to finish what she'd started."
Rage flashes through me like lightning. Hephaestion used me. He tried to humiliate me. I gave him so much kindness and he took it as a sign that he controlled me.
"You'll be joining her soon," I spit. "Actually, you'll probably be buried a few hundred miles away but it's the thought that counts, right?"
I expect another insult or some more hysterical laughter. Instead, Hephaestion just sobs. A tear rolls down his cheek.
"Are you crying?" I ask. "After everything you've done to me, you think you're the one that should be crying?"
"I don't want to die in the dark," Hephaestion says in a small voice. "And I don't want to be buried."
"Why?" I ask. "It can't be because your parents died in a cave in because that's just another lie. So maybe you're just a worthless coward who's scared of the dark!"
"You're right," Hephaestion says. "My parents didn't die in the cave in. They're still alive actu-"
He catches himself. I realise he's slipped up again.
"If your parents are still alive," I say. "How come you had foster parents to kill?"
"I lied," Hephaestion says. Tears are streaming down his face now. "I always lie. My parents did die in the cave in. I killed my foster parents on the day of the Victory Tour Attack. The only way to stop me lying is to kill me so why don't you just kill me already!"
He grabs the shaft of my spear with both hands and pulls it towards his throat. I have to plant my foot on his chest and tug my spear back before he can stab himself.
"Gus, kill me," Hephaestion begs. "Just kill me, please. I'm sick of hurting you. I'm sick of all these lies."
He reaches for my spear but I press my foot harder against his chest, keeping him pinned against the wall. He seems too weak to fight back. He used to be stronger than me but I think the time he spent in these tunnels, rationing food, losing sleep, wearing himself down with worry has weakened him. Maybe that's why he can't lie to me anymore.
"So am I," I say. "So why don't you just tell me the truth?"
"Why won't you accept that I can't?"
"Because you made me love you," I say. "So I want to know the truth before I kill you. I want to know who I fell for."
"I didn't make you love me," Hephaestion blurts out. "You weren't supposed to love me. That wasn't meant to happen. I-"
"So you didn't trick me into loving you?" I ask.
"I did," Hephaestion backtracks. "I seduced you because I wanted to be just like Régine-"
He starts crying. I think he's realised that he's just saying words now, contradicting himself, trying to bait me into killing him. I can't help but wonder why.
And the answer is far too clear.
He's trying to push me away again. And this time, it's working.
"Let me tell you what I think happened," I say. "You can tell me whether or not you agree with me. I think you are Jack Frost. I think you killed your foster parents on the day of the Victory Tour Attack. I think you're in love with me, Guston Starkwain, grandson of the greatest hero District 5 has ever seen. And I think you know you're not good enough for me. That's why you wouldn't follow me when I left the Careers. That's why you wanted to fight the dragon alone. That's why you're telling lies, trying to get me to kill you. You hate yourself because I love you and you believe you'll only get me hurt. You want me to wash my hands of you. Is that the truth?"
"No…" Hephaestion says.
"Why not?"
He can't give me an answer. He just starts crying again because he doesn't have one.
"It's the truth isn't it? You really do love me?"
"If you love me back you'll let me die," Hephaestion blurts out.
I hesitate. I don't know what to do. I should kill him. He's Jack Frost. He's a rebel. He's responsible for countless murders in One and Two. But I can't help but wonder if there's one tiny shred of the boy I loved inside the murderer I have pinned to the wall. I can't help but wonder if Hephaestion can be saved.
"But I still don't know the whole truth," I say. "I don't know why you killed your foster parents on the day of the Victory Tour Attack. My family have always believed in justice. Tell me the whole truth and I will give you the justice you deserve. And don't lie. You believe you're worthy of death as you are. If the truth really is that awful, I'll believe it, too."
Hephaestion takes a deep breath.
"Okay," he says. "I guess I'll start at the beginning. I told you my parents died in a mining accident when I was eight. I was telling the truth about my father. He died. His body was never found. But my mother was rescued. She survived. But the part of her that made her my mom died in that accident. She was convinced that my father was still alive, that the peacekeepers had knowingly abandoned him to die. She blamed them. She stopped caring for me and Iolaus when we needed her the most. She just retreated to the basement. We weren't allowed in. I had to buy food and cook meals and walk my brother to school all on my own. Then everything changed. Mom suddenly started being nice to us again. She cooked us a special breakfast and gave us these special vests to wear."
A chill runs down my spine. Hephaestion had mentioned almost being killed in a rebel suicide bombing.
He didn't tell me the bomber was his mother.
"Special vests?" I ask.
"They were bombs," Hephaestion says, quietly. "My own mother put me in a suicide vest. And I was eight, Iolaus was five. We didn't understand. She'd drugged us as well so we just went along with everything she said. She said she was walking us to school but she took us to the mine instead. She told all the miners they weren't allowed to leave or she'd blow them all up. I wasn't scared at first, just very confused. I didn't know what a real bomb looked like. I thought it was meant to look like a dynamite stick from the cartoons.
"Then the peacekeepers showed up. Most of them wanted to talk to Mom. I later found out they were hostage negotiators. But there was this young guy, Perseus, he snuck past mom and started talking to me and Iolaus. We had a nice little conversation. We told him our names. He told us we were in danger and we had to come with him and I trusted him. So I told Iolaus to go with him but I said I had to stay behind. I said it was so I could distract Mom while Iolaus was escaping but I think it was more just because… I… I just wanted my Mom back. I wanted to make sure she was okay. I didn't realise what she was doing. So I distracted Mom while Iolaus was escaping. When she found out he was gone, she was furious at me. She hit me and yelled at me and I cried because I didn't understand what was happening. She grabbed me by the arm so hard it hurt and dragged me down the tunnel, right to the dead end that was blocked by the rock fall. And I was kicking and screaming and telling her that I wanted to go home but she just wouldn't listen. She took a roll of tape and… she tied up my wrists and ankles and covered up my mouth. Then she kissed me on the forehead and told me… that she loved me and if I closed my eyes and went to sleep, I'd see my father again. And that was when I realised that she didn't love me anymore. How could she do that to me if she loved me?"
He breaks down. Slowly, gently, I pull my foot back from Hephaestion's chest. I figure he won't try anything while he's crying. I move all our weapons so they're out of his reach and then I wrap my arms around him.
"It's okay," I say. "Keep going. You're doing great."
"I didn't say all that just so you could hug me," Hephaestion says, darkly.
I pull away. "Sorry," I say. "Did it make you feel better?"
"I don't know," Hephaestion says, shakily. "The next part is the hardest part to talk about."
"Would some water help?" I ask. I pick up the glass of ice that Grandpa sent me. A lot of it has melted. Hephaestion nods. I raise the glass to his lips and let him drink. He looks so fragile, so wounded. I want to stroke his hair and tell him everything's going to be okay but I know I can't. Hephaestion is supposed to be the enemy.
I realise he really is traumatised. Everything he told me about his nightmares and his fear of being underground was real. That's why he accidentally let slip that he was Jack Frost, because he couldn't take the stress of being down here, couldn't maintain the lie. Now I see it's because of what his mother did to him. He's the victim of one act of rebellion, the perpetrator of another.
How do I judge someone like that, who is both things at once?
"So my mother left me," Hephaestion says. "Alone, in the dark, tied up and gagged on the floor of the mine. The only light was this red light coming from my chest and that was when I realised that I had a bomb strapped to me and my mother had activated it and it was counting down how long I had left to live. I could hear it ticking. I was crying so much. I tried to scream for help but I couldn't open my mouth. Then I heard the explosion. My mother… went back to the peacekeepers and blew herself up. She killed eleven and injured many others. And I remember the whole tunnel shaking from the explosion. I thought the roof of the tunnel was going to collapse on me and bury me. I was so scared I pissed myself. But I didn't die. I just lay there in a puddle of my own urine, crying and trying to scream for help. And for a while, nobody came. I thought the tunnel was blocked. I thought the mountain had swallowed me up just like my father. And that was the first time I heard him calling for me. The first time I felt him reaching for me. Part of me just wanted to lie down and give up and go back to him. But I… didn't want to die so I kept screaming. Apparently, that's the only reason why I was rescued. Perseus insisted on taking some of the peacekeepers to look for me and the were just about to turn back when they heard me crying. I remembered being so relieved when they disabled the bomb. I thought everything was going to be okay. But that was just how it started."
He sighs and stares into space, eyes haunted. Now I know where all the nightmares came from, nightmares about being dragged off into the dark and left there to die. I wish I could go back in time and protect Hephaestion from his mother, shield him from all the horror she put him through. But all I can do is offer him my hand.
He takes it.
"Why didn't you tell me your mother was a rebel?" I ask.
"Because I'm selfish," Hephaestion says. He seems to realise that we're holding hands and lets go. "Everyone in Two knew who my mother was, Eris Dell'Anno, the woman who bombed the peacekeepers. She was the most notorious rebel Two had ever seen… until me, I guess. Everyone thought I was like her, that I'd tried to help her. Once I was rescued, the peacekeepers put me in handcuffs and dragged me off to one of their cells for questioning. They only let me and Iolaus go because Perseus convinced the other peacekeepers to carry out a drugs test on us. When the peacekeepers found out we'd been drugged, they had to let us go. All the evidence proved that we'd been taken hostage against our will. We weren't rebel accomplices. We were just victims. But the people of Two didn't care about the evidence. Everyone from Two I have ever met has hated me the moment they heard my name but I guess the word never spread to other districts. When I met you and you were kind to me… I never wanted it to end. You made me feel like I was someone better, like I could be redeemed, like they were all wrong about me."
He laughs, bitterly. I find I understand his pain to an extent. I know what it's like to be defined by your family's legacy. I was luckier than Hephaestion in that my family were heroes rather than villains. I didn't face the cruelty that he did. But I have always struggled with everyone expecting me to be a hero when I just wanted to be a kid.
"So Iolaus and I got sent to a community home. We were bullied, of course. It was bad enough that we were the sons of a rebel but I was also weak. I had nightmares and wet the bed. The workers there said if I didn't man up, they'd move me down the orphan rankings."
"Orphan rankings?" I ask.
"Oh yeah, I suppose you don't have orphan rankings in Five," Hephaestion says. "Orphans are very valuable in Two. A lot of people want the glory of raising a victor and sometimes it can be more convenient to adopt an orphan than to have children of your own. Most community homes rank their orphans based on how strong they are, so people looking to adopt orphans can pick the ones they think are most likely to win the games. I was ranked number one for eight-year-old boys. I was well-fed and I did a lot of sports at school. But that didn't mean anything. About a week after I was orphaned, this couple came looking for an eight-year-old boy. They took an interest in me and I tried to be nice to them because I… didn't want to live in that home anymore. But they found out who my mother was and they took the boy who was ranked below me instead. And that was when I knew there was no way out. Iolaus and I would be trapped in that home forever, unwanted. I ran away and went looking for Perseus. I was going to beg him to adopt us. But I found him in the hospital. He was dying. My mother's bomb had wounded his leg and he hadn't had it treated straight away because he was too busy making sure I was safe. As he was dying, he told me "Hephaestion, you're the bravest kid in Panem. I know you're going to do great things when you grow up. You're strong enough to prove them wrong. I believe in you."."
He lets out a small sob. "That was the last time someone said anything kind to me, before… you. Perseus was the reason why I wanted to be a peacekeeper. He'd saved my life. I wanted to be like him. I wanted to save lives, make the world a better place. And maybe once I took my vows and put on one of those white uniforms, I'd be forgiven for being a rebel's son. I'd be… pure."
He smiles, sadly. I'm left wondering how a boy who idolised the peacekeepers so much became Jack Frost.
"Iolaus and I were adopted after about a month," Hephaestion carries on. "Their names were Cronus and Rhea Corleone. They had friends in high places at the academy. They tried to beat the rebel out of us."
I gasp. "They abused you?"
Hephaestion shakes his head. "Don't call it that. That's something Régine Maurin would say. The Corleones knew that there was something broken and wrong and twisted about me, something that made it impossible for anyone to love me. They tried to fix me, make me a better person. They got me a place in the academy and I loved training there. I believed if I trained hard enough, I was going to become a peacekeeper. I… I believed that one day I would be good enough for the Capitol to see me and they'd rescue me from that house. I never lost my faith in them. I remember after the Quell, the victors summoned me to a private meeting. They told me that I was going to volunteer for the Seventy Sixth Hunger Games. They said the peacekeepers would never accept the son of such a notorious rebel and that volunteering was my only future. I ignored them. I wasn't going to let go of my dream. Not until… that day."
I take a deep breath. This is the moment I've been waiting for, the moment when Hephaestion Dell'Anno became Jack Frost. I can only imagine how it happened. The son of a rebel with trauma buried deep inside and a dream of something better. The two people who'd spent years abusing him.
"Why did you kill them?" I ask. "Why that day?"
"There's something a lot of people don't consider about the day of the Victory Tour Attack," Hephaestion says. "Fawkes Chau was in District 3 but where was he supposed to go the next day?"
"District 2," I say.
"Exactly," Hephaestion says. "The Corleones always got harsher before special occasions like a victor visiting. Fawkes was the victor of a Quell. He'd saved Panem. The day before he was supposed to come to Two, the Corleones were harsh in a way I'd never seen them before. I knew it was going to be bad when they attacked Iolaus. They usually left him alone, focused more attention on me because I was the one who was more likely to be a volunteer. But they beat my little brother until he was unconscious and they just kept going. I knew they were going to kill him. So… I grabbed a fire poker and I… proved everyone who'd ever called me a rebel right. And I didn't think about Fawkes or Régine or the Coyotes or anything that was going on outside that room. All I could think was that my little brother needed me to kill for him. Iolaus needed me. And I let him down."
"How?" I ask. "You saved him."
Hephaestion shakes his head, tears beginning to gather in his brown eyes.
"I made a deal with the academy while I was in prison. They would use their influence to protect me and Iolaus from the peacekeepers. I would volunteer for the games and die so Minaret would win. But I… I killed her. I couldn't let her kill you, Gus. Now my brother is going to die. I have… nobody left to live for. I've told you everything. Can I have my justice now?"
He stares at me, pleading for death with his beautiful brown eyes. I reach for my spear. Then I hesitate.
It doesn't feel right to kill Hephaestion. He might be a rebel figurehead but it's clear that he never chose to be one. That role was forced upon him. I think he was just a traumatised child who was abused for years and his only crime was defending his brother from his abusers. I can't help but wonder if there are other grey-area cases out in the districts, where people were forced into rebellion by their circumstances but truly support the Capitol on the inside. How many of these people would I win over to the Capitol's side if I showed Hephaestion mercy?
Besides, I can't bring myself to kill him like this. I care too much about him and I can't let him die while he hates himself.
"Hephaestion," I say. "You have rebel blood but I know your heart truly belongs to the Capitol. You were just protecting your brother. You are not twisted or wrong or broken. I pardon you for your crimes. I can't kill you today. That would not be the justice you deserve."
"But I killed two people who were loyal to the Capitol, who were pillars of District 2's community. I deserve to die."
"They abused you, Hephaestion," I say. "What they did to you and Iolaus was wrong."
"They did it in the name of the Capitol," Hephaestion says. "They did it to make me better. Nothing done in the name of the Capitol could ever be wrong. Don't let me corrupt you into talking like a rebel. Do the right thing. Kill me. Do it for the Capitol."
I hesitate. Did I just talk like a rebel? I need to be very careful what I say next. I know that the argument that Careers abuse their children was used by rebels against the Capitol. It was the argument that made Régine the rebel figurehead that she was. I can't agree with her.
But I know in my heart that Hephaestion was abused and it was wrong. I have to tell the truth. I just need a way to say it that doesn't reflect badly on the Capitol.
"How do you know they beat you in the name of the Capitol?" I ask. "Did anyone from the Capitol come into your house and tell the Corleones 'This boy is a rebel. Beat him until he changes his ways.'?"
"No," Hephaestion says.
"Then they didn't do it in the name of the Capitol," I say. "I think they were two wicked people who used the name of the Capitol as an excuse for their behaviour. I think they deliberately chose you and Iolaus because you were the sons of a rebel and they had something they could use to justify abusing you. But if they had been true followers of the Capitol, they would've seen that you were not a rebel. They didn't make you better. You made yourself better by dedicating yourself to making the world a better place. I think it's an act of rebellion to claim that you are acting on behalf of the Capitol when the Capitol have given you no authority whatsoever. Your foster parents were more rebellious than you."
"Really?" Hephaestion asks, eyes wide.
I nod. "The Capitol have given me authority. My grandmother gave me her blood, the blood of a high-born Capitol family. I have more of a right to speak on the Capitol's behalf than those peasants in Two who were cruel to you. I say you deserve to live and you deserve to be happy."
Hephaestion gives me a sad look. "I can't," he says. "I can't be happy. My brother is going to die because of me."
"He won't," I say. "I promise. We are going to be the final two and whichever one of us survives is going to have enough power and influence to keep him safe. You don't need to worry about him."
Hephaestion sighs. He looks like a great weight is being taken off his shoulders.
"You still love me," he says, a small smile playing on his lips. "Don't you, Gus? Even now you know everything I've done?"
I study him and I see it all. His beauty, his goodness, all his dreams. I don't see a rebel. I see a fighter, a survivor, a boy who's been trying to claw his way out of the rubble for the last ten years.
I'm going to pull him free.
"I do," I say. I drop my spear to the ground and reach out to caress his face but he shrinks back.
"I still worry I'm corrupting you. I know you've… pardoned me but I still worry."
"Don't worry," I say. "You're not corrupting me. You said you wanted to be a peacekeeper to make yourself pure. You called me a prince. Let me make you my knight. Let me redeem you. Let me make you pure."
Hephaestion leans closer to me. I can see the sparks in his eyes. For the first time, I feel grateful to be a Starkwain. I appreciate the power and privilege my family name gives me because I can use it to lift Hephaestion up. I can shield him, give him happiness until the final two. I can tell he doesn't just love me because of my family. He loves me because of my actions, because I was kind to him. Because I saw him and decided that he was worth saving.
"My prince…" he says. "I'd do anything for you."
Then we're kissing. I'm kissing Jack Frost and I don't care. Maybe it's true that Régine Maurin seduced Ageis Sacro to make her join the rebels. But two can play at that game. I'm going to prove to everyone in Panem that Hephaestion Dell'Anno - Jack Frost, the son of a rebel - is on the good side. I'm going to prove that we have the power to change people for the better.
I'm going to show Panem how to win the war and I'm going to show Hephaestion that he is worthy of my love.
Double plot twist! Hephaestion isn't evil. He was just trying to push Gus away again. I've already established that Hephaestion is a very self-destructive character who has tried and failed to sabotage his relationship with Gus before and this was his most extreme attempt. However, Hephaestion can't maintain such an extreme lie for long, especially since his anxiety and lack of sleep from being underground is clouding his mind, so he soon starts spiralling and accidentally reveals the truth to Gus.
Then we finally get Hephaestion's full backstory, perhaps the most tragic and depressing backstory I've ever given a character. Hephaestion has the opposite background to Gus. He grew up being hated by his district because his mother was a rebel and he's internalised a lot of that hatred. He has a particularly unhealthy attitude towards the abuse his foster parents put him through, since they were able to manipulate him into believing that he deserved to be abused.
Gus is also in a particularly difficult political position this chapter as he takes on the responsibility of judging Hephaestion for his 'crimes'. He's so determined to protect Hephaestion that he's willing to risk the Capitol's wrath and show the notorious Jack Frost mercy. Was that a mistake? Whether or not it was, Gus is finally owning his family's high status and using it to reassure Hephaestion.