A/N: I wrote three more chapters along with this one after my float therapy purge but deleted them all. The direction I'd always intended to take it, did not work well when it was out of my head, so... Anyway, I'm back on track. Thanks for all the love and support. It makes me blush ragingly.
Dropping this off before I head to bed. Hope you enjoy.
Footprints in the Sand
Chapter 37
"So, it's not that he doesn't want any more babies, he just doesn't want to have to witness them being born," Alice surmises after I recap the entire sordid story from the night of Edward's birthday.
It's been a week, we're at Al Marzocco on the first day of my break, and I'm just as overwrought and wracked by uncertainty over it as I was the moment it happened.
"I think so," I admit, expelling an exhausted breath. I've barely slept a wink from worrying over it, "but what if he really just doesn't want anymore?"
She scrutinizes me for a moment, her forehead knotting as those cogs in her brain clearly go into fourth gear. "He has a very traumatic memory attached to his child being born, so I'm guessing his aversion over it is based wholly on that. I thought you said he'd have it reversed if you wanted him to."
"He said that during sex, and I think he was just so relieved to have it all off his chest. Before that he essentially admitted he finds the prospect of getting me pregnant repulsive," I relay, dropping my brow into my palm and rubbing it stiffly.
"He loves you and doesn't want any harm coming to you. Can you blame him?" she asserts a little too pragmatically.
"Not at all, but Addie's birth has completely skewered his perception. I don't think he even realizes how rare those kinds of cases are."
"Yeah, but childbirth is the sort of thing where if it goes bad, it goes really bad. I have no idea how you can even work in L and D. It'd scare me off babies for life."
"Maternal death is—what?" I point out categorically.
"I don't know—something like thirty in one hundred thousand?" She tilts her head, gauging me for confirmation.
"Thereabouts."
"But see, most people would look at the one hundred thousand. Edward would see only the thirty," she says delicately, and making way too much sense.
"God, you're right," I mutter, closing my eyes and feeling suddenly deflated. "Al, I told him he was enough, and right now he's more than enough, but I'm not so sure that will always be the case," I admit, as his words echo through my mind, reminding me again that I'm more than likely overanalyzing everything as usual. "I'd never make you choose," he promised me before we fell asleep that night, and I've held onto it every moment since.
"You know one percent of all vasectomies fail, right? Did he jerk into a petri dish after to make sure he was free of swimmers?"
"I have no idea. He doesn't talk about it."
"Hm... Imagine if he's the one percent? If you got pregnant, do you think he'd think you were screwing around?" she continues to pry, while I'm at a complete loss.
"What? I—"
"He's probably worried that even if he does get it reversed, he still won't be able to get you pregnant," she interjects, changing course as rapidly as she often does.
"That's a completely different set of circumstances than making the decision not to have kids at all, though. There's no guarantee I can even get pregnant even if he'd never had a vasectomy." Drawing a heavy breath, I let it go wearily.
I'm getting a headache.
"True. There's no guarantees," Alice acknowledges simply. "Bells, I honestly don't think you have to worry about him ixnaying anymore kids. I think what's going to happen is he'll completely withdraw from you for the nine months you're pregnant and be a no-show during the birth. Could you handle that?"
"I... I don't know!" I burst, becoming frustrated. "How are we even having this conversation already? It's insane.
"Life's insane." She shrugs. "Just get his intimidating ass into therapy."
"I'm not arguing there," I mumble as I struggle to stop my thoughts from drifting. I really can't think about it anymore; at least not for the short term. Everything is becoming too turbulent.
"Anyway, so what if he doesn't want to come in with you. He can wait outside smoking a cigar like it's 1952, while I hold your legs open." She grins and I almost choke on my coffee.
"How is it you're the one who's pregnant and yet we're here talking about my hypothetical baby?"
"Because you decided to fall in love with the one guy in the city who's phobic about how they're born," she says both dryly and matter-of-factly.
"I know now why he frowns," I murmur to myself, barely emitting a sound.
"Hm?"
"Al, I..." Shaking my head, I abandon it, and in reply Alice groans pointedly.
"Would you just tell me, woman."
"Remember Rosalie's cocktail party?"
"Yes..." Raising her eyebrows, she coaxes me to continue.
"Edward told me I admitted I was on birth control, but, Al... I have no memory of it."
"You were drunk," she replies frankly.
"You know me, though. I never quite get drunk. I just get sick. I remember every word of his conversation with Urine, and that was another room away."
"Hm..." Her eyes narrow in contemplation. "Do you remember me banging on the door?"
"Yes."
"So, you think he used what happened that night to sidestep the topic of his vasectomy," she states the obvious.
"I do," I admit regrettably behind a gushing sigh, "and I hate that I do. Edward's been nothing but honest with me."
"Ask him."
"How? I don't want him to think I think he's a liar."
"Can't you sort of skirt around it?" she suggests.
"Are you aware of how smart he is? He'll know immediately what I'm doing, put me on the stand and then cross-examine it out of me."
"God, that sounds sexy as hell, Bells."
"Oh my god..."
"I'm pregnant," she justifies and it's her out on everything lately. "Anyway," she waves her hand, "so he told a white lie. I can't blame him for wanting to delay the torture of having to delve into the story of him and Amber Heard."
"Either can I," I say fighting back the urge to laugh. "But it's more than a white lie. It's more like... gaslighting."
"Hang on, you're not even sure you didn't say it," she specifies skeptically, her expression clearly entering into the boundaries of condemnation. "Stop that right now!"
"...Stop what?"
"Stop letting that brain of yours run wild. You always do this." Huffing, she deliberately side-eyes me.
"I can't help it," I declare in my own defense.
"Try." She tsks this time. "Bella, he bared his soul to you."
"I know. I'm just—"
"Being you?" she breaks in, flashing me a wry smile.
"Being me," I concede.
"The lush got me half-drunk that night, as well, but I still remember how sweet he was to you. I had to stop him from breaking the door down so he could hold your hair back."
"I know..." I echo quietly, feeling my cheeks tinge from the memory.
It was the night he first kissed me—first properly kissed me.
"Plus, your memory does get foggy directly before and after you get pukey."
"It does." I'm forced to agree with half a nod.
"I still think you should ask him. Mention how you ramble when you're drunk and then never remember anything."
I shake my head. "Edward's not the sort of guy you can play mind games with. He's too smart for his own good—him and Addie."
"How is my Ads, anyway? —I haven't seen her since the wedding. Poor little chickadee had such a rough start to life. Tell her Aunty Alice will buy her a kitten."
"You might have to run it past Edward first," I reply, bringing the mug to my lips with a sense of relief. I feel somewhat better, but Alice has always had a calming effect on me. In fact, she has an uncanny ability to snap me out of most things. "You know she's been recommended for the gifted class? Edward was one proud daddy."
Now that was sexy.
Especially considering there was barely any expectations for his little girl after she was born.
"Yeah?" Alice says, not sounding the least bit surprised. "Well, we all know where she gets it from, and it's not that evil dead egg donor of hers."
I break lightly into laughter. She has a definite way with words.
"I know you shouldn't speak ill of the dead and all that, yada, yada." She rolls her eyes, finding amusement at her own rhetoric, "but talk about getting your just desserts. See where that kind of dark energy gets you?"
"I know." I'm in full agreement. "She was just a whole universe of trouble from the onset."
"So, it was an aneurysm that killed her?"
"Yeah."
"How long was she dead before they realized?" she asks, inching closer to me and lowering the tone of her voice.
"I'm not sure. Long enough for them to notice her change color," I answer, fighting the urge to shudder. A week later and it's still so hard to get my head around, and the mere idea of it is enough to chill my blood.
More so the fact that Edward was forced to bear witness to all of it.
"That is so crazy." Alice does shudder, openly, making a show of it.
"You know..." I begin, but clearing my throat, I take another sip of my coffee and get lost in my thoughts.
"This again?" Alice draws my attention back with her impatience, and with an internal sigh, I continue.
"Edward doesn't call her his wife anymore. He'll either refer to her as his ex-wife, or her," I imitate the strangled tone he uses. "Very rarely does he even speak her name."
"Some names don't deserve repeating." She shrugs an indifferent shoulder. "I'm so glad I married a doctor though. Jay would never allow me to go through thirty-or-so hours of labor. Um, maternal fatigue, anyone?"
"Private hospital," I say in deliberate emphasis.
"Imagine my shock."
"By the way, thank you very much for insisting seven months was normal for discussing babies. You completely jinxed us," I say good naturedly as she scoffs, unconvinced.
"Au contraire, mon ami. I'd say it was you having the hots for Kevin Costner that jinxed you," she counters knowingly.
"How was I supposed to know there'd be a graphic birth scene in Robin Hood?" I state, but fate sure did force us to have that much needed conversation it seems. "And Kevin Costner is hot."
"You have a daddy complex," she teases me. "Kevin Costner is old. Have you seen the guy you're between the sheets with?"
"Have you forgotten I was raised by a single father?" I stress, contemplating feigning offense. "And I'm well aware of who I'm between the sheets with. He's only getting better looking with age."
"I'll have you know, my husband is the handsomest of them all. God, I can't get enough of him at the moment. No one told me pregnancy hormones make you so horny," she confesses, only semi in confidence.
"That's really more than I need to know," I say ruefully.
"So, you and Edward are okay and everything? I don't want you breaking up with him in the middle of my pregnancy and then having a Wednesday's-child-is-full-of-woe baby."
I can only stare at her for several seconds as I attempt to make sense of her. She can really be a detriment to my ADHD some days. "Al, what are you—"
"Speak of the devil," she cuts me off behind a broad smile. "How are you, cuz in law?"
"I'm good, how are you, Alice," Edward reciprocates, taking her in good humor as he sits himself beside me. Taking my hand, he draws me closer and plants his lips briefly to mine. "Hi."
"Hi," I echo, becoming compromised by the dizzying scent of him.
He's wearing blue today—navy blue. My favorite color on him; it tends to change the shade of his eyes.
"We were just talking about you," Alice pipes up casually.
"You were?" he puts to her, his brows pulling high as I not-so-subtly give her the universally understood shut-up-now-before-you-die glare.
"Mm-hm, Bella was saying how you're getting better looking with age," she outs me like we're fourteen years old and Edward is Jacob Black.
I groan lowly and wholly to myself. "Oh my god. Just ignore her."
He smirks, more than pleased with himself, and wraps his palm around my knee. "Is that so?"
"'Tis. You joining us?" she offers, tilting her head.
"For a few minutes."
"Your usual?" she ventures, getting to her feet.
"I'll get it, Ali—"
"Oh," she dismisses him with a wave of her hand. "I'm using you as an excuse to get a piece of tiramisu."
"The usual," he relents, fighting the obvious urge to grin as he turns to me. "Bella..." His brow piques.
"Hm...?"
Reaching over, he tucks a strand of hair off my forehead. "Are you okay?" he asks.
"I'm okay. I've just been sleeping terribly, and work has been insane," I explain apologetically. "I feel like a hot mess, lately."
"I told you, if you need me, you can stay over at my place," he reminds me, ducking his head to catch my gaze. He smiles warmly, and I'm returning it before I'm aware of it.
"I know," I reply, dropping my hand over his. "Edward...?"
"Yes?"
"I... Never mind." I leave it unspoken. I'm procrastinating more than I'm speaking today, but he asked me to give him a few months and I'm going to honor it.
"You're still angry at me, aren't you?" he murmurs, speaking it more to himself than as a question to me.
"I wasn't angry at you to begin with," I assure him, slightly confused.
He thought I was angry?
"You should be," he says so lowly I barely catch it.
"Why should I be?"
He opens his mouth to reply only to be cut short by Alice.
"You know what I think, Edward?"
"What do you think, Alice?" he plays along.
"I think you're stalking mine and Bella's coffee dates because you're too damn in love with her," she says, sitting herself on the couch opposite the two of us with a shrewd grin.
Edward immediately smirks and scoffs shortly through his nose. "You've got me."
"Alice, would you..." I let it go. I realize she's just teasing me, but at the same time, I get the impression she's also feeling him out.
"So, how's married life treating you?" he asks, leaning back against the sofa and taking me with him.
"No complaints—is that the watch Bella bought you?" she notes after he pulls his sleeve back to glance at it.
"It is."
"It's nice, huh?"
"Sure is."
"Belly's got great taste—when she can stop being so neurotic over everything."
"Ah... do I need to be present while you discuss me?" I say dryly, as Edward wraps his hand around my thigh and squeezes gently.
He's continuing to smirk, and I'm certain he finds my friendship with Alice a curiosity. He often tells me how different we are.
"Are you alright, Alice? —Bella." He speaks my name abruptly as concern immediately knots his forehead.
Alice's face is suddenly sheet white, and with wide, beseeching eyes she turns to me. "Bella...I need..." she appeals to me weakly even as she rapidly fades.
I'm on my feet in an instant, and gathering her in my arms, with Edward's very alarmed assistance, I help her to the bathroom. She doesn't throw up—Alice isn't a vomiter—but she's pregnant and I couldn't take the risk. She comes infinitely close to fainting though, and steadfastly refuses to sit down and put her head between her knees until I've covered the floor with hand towel first.
"Well, this sucks," she complains as I place a wet wad of it to the nape of her neck.
"That's pregnancy, Alley," I say lightly, while she groans, unimpressed.
"Think I freaked him out?" she asks after a moment, turning her head to meet my gaze with a sheepish smile.
"He'll be fine. You want me to get you some water?"
"No," she shakes her head, "it's already starting to pass. It just hit me out of nowhere."
"Stay put for a bit longer," I order her. Alice has never been one to know her own limits, after all.
"What if I catch something from this floor? I don't want her getting sepsis," she grumbles.
"Al, you know those hysterical parents you like to bitch about? You're becoming one, babe," I joke as she laughs softly and nods her head.
"It's so weird, Bells. She probably looks like some strange little blob with eyes but I'd absolutely kill for her already."
"Of course, you would," I say, gently wiping her brow. "You're getting some of your color back."
"I'm okay, now. Help me up?"
Taking most of her weight, I pull her to her feet as she leans over the sink and takes a slow measured breath.
"You good?"
"I'm good. Don't tell Jay—promise? He's wrapping me in cotton wool, already." She sighs, but she's convincing no one, and it's more than obvious that she's relishing in it.
"So long as you stop embarrassing me in front of Edward," I counter, nudging her teasingly.
Chuckling, she swats my hand away. "Bella, that man is head over heels for you. He's not going to deny you a single thing. Take that to the bank."
"Thanks, Dear Abby," I say drolly as she rolls her eyes.
"I'm hoarding all the I-told-you-so's just an F.Y.I," she informs me, straightening herself up. "Okay, I'm fine. Let's go."
Edward's pacing back and forth just outside the bathroom door, with both mine and Alice's purse straps in one hand, while the other drags back stiffly through his hair. We almost run into him, and he immediately steps forward to steady the both of us.
"Is everything alright?" he asks anxiously.
"All good. No more fussing," Alice assures him as she brushes me off her. "I'm fine, just pregnant," she informs the very worried baristas as we make our way back to our coffee while I'm almost certain Edward grimaces.
His eyes meet mine and throwing him a hasty smile, I immediately sever them. Timing with this man is so awful sometimes.
"Wow, that came out of nowhere," Alice declares, shaking her head in disbelief as she takes her seat and picks up her mug. "Blood pressure drop, you think?" she speculates as Edward and I sit opposite her.
"Possibly," I say.
"What's this expression?" she demands, turning her head to scrutinize Edward for a very uncomfortable second or two. "Bella didn't tell you?"
"You told me not to until after you told your parents," I remind her.
"Congratulations," he extends to her in a notably restricted voice and an even tighter smile. Then turning to me, he leans his head to speak close to my ear, "Walk me out."
I nod and taking his hand I allow him to pull me to my feet alongside him.
"I'll see you next time, Al..." he begins when she immediately interjects.
"Wait—you didn't drink your coffee. Oh, you have. God, you drink fast. Okay, see you, doll."
"Feel better," he adds, his expression turning somewhat charming, before turning and leading me out.
"I'll be back in a sec," I mouth to her over my shoulder.
O.K, she signs with her right hand, raising her brows pointedly.
She noticed his reaction, but then you'd have to be blind not to.
"You're still taking Addie back to your apartment after running?" Edward verifies, once he pulls me to the sidewalk and glances quickly down at his watch.
"I am."
Nodding once, he glances back up and his smile this time is warm. "Okay, I'll take you home with us tonight and help you sleep."
Releasing a resigned breath, and with my expression mirroring his, I nod. "'Kay."
"'Kay," he teases me in imitation before bending down to plant his lips to my brow, and then to my mouth. "I'll see you around seven, then."
"Do you want me to make Addie dinner?" I ask, reaching up to straighten his tie almost without conscious thought.
"Ahh... You can if you want to. I was just going to grab a pizza on the way home."
"D'you remember what happened the last time she ate pizza?" I refresh his memory and come close to laughing from the revulsion that momentarily overruns his face. "I'll make her dinner, it's fine—oh my god!" I react almost immediately to his arched brow. "It really is fine."
He chuckles softly through his nose and it's so easy to forget that lurking somewhere skin deep is a man who goes completely fetal over anything even remotely medical related. "Bella."
"Counselor. I'll see you tonight." Tugging his tie playfully, I turn to walk back inside Al Marzocco when he grabs my hand, draws me back to him and kisses me again.
"Tell Alice that I'm happy for her." He clears his throat awkwardly, but he's making a gallant effort so I overlook anything else.
"I will—hey?"
"Yes?"
"Why'd you think I was angry?" I ask as recollection hits me.
He briefly breaks my gaze, his eyebrows lightly furrowing. "We'll talk about it tonight."
. . .
Addie's waiting just inside the fence, dressed in her running gear, and practically bouncing in anticipation.
"Hi, Bella!" she calls out with copious amounts of enthusiasm the instant she sees me approach.
"Hey, sweetie pie. You ready?"
"Uh-huh." She holds up two bright purple hair bands because braiding her hair has since become a part of our warmup.
"Awesome, but first, I got you something," I announce, pulling the same light blue and gold, curve-brimmed Mariner's cap from behind my back that I'm wearing, and holding it out to her.
"Is that for me?" she asks, sucking in her breath as though I just produced a Simonese kitten instead.
"It is," I say plonking it on her head. It's child-sized, of course, and it took a hell of a time to track down.
She giggles and takes it off to inspect it. "Now we match."
"We do match. Okay, let's get your hair braided."
Grabbing my hand, she tugs me inside the yard and toward the front door where Mrs. Cullen is waiting with a comb. She's become familiar with our routine as well.
. . .
"Okay, two blocks again?" I quickly confirm after helping Addie loosen her arms and legs.
"Uh-huh. Maybe I can do three."
"Maybe," I tease her, tugging one of her braids beneath her cap. "We'll see how you go."
"'Kay."
Taking my hand, we set off on the Addie route as I call it; it's getting longer every day. She easily keeps up with the pace I set and is still full of beans by the time we arrive back at the Dutch Colonial.
"Let's run more, Bella," she announces, barely out of breath.
"You sure?"
"Uh-huh. I wanna run where you run," she insists, nodding her head vigorously, despite her bright red cheeks and sweaty brow.
"Okay. To the end of the street and back?"
"Okay," she agrees readily, and releasing my hand, she runs ahead without me. "Let's have a race, Bella!"
For too long down the sidewalk, I let her lead several feet ahead of me, only to realize at the last minute that despite my repeated warnings about stopping before crossing the road, she darts straight out into oncoming traffic without hesitation.
My heart stops, and for the longest moment so does time. I scream her name, barely hearing it above the sound of screeching brakes and the rush of my breath flooding my ears.
She hears me and immediately freezes before slowly turning back to me, her expression morphing into fear.
I have no idea how I get to her in time—no idea how I'm able to outrun the car speeding toward her to pull her out of the way, but I do. The car misses the both of us by a whisker; the gush of air as it passes blows Addie's hat from her head as the driver honks the horn aggressively and barrages me with expletives that I barely hear.
I overstep the curb on the other side and trip, and while Addie manages to stay on her feet, I don't. I hit the pavement hard, skinning both my palms and knees and landing heavily on my elbow.
"Bella!" Addie cries, and in panic, she clumsily attempts to help me up.
I'm not sure whether I'm going to faint or throw up, I can't catch my breath, and I'm choking on tears I'm almost completely unaware of.
"Addie!" I snap as adrenalin continues to engulf me, and grabbing both her upper arms, I come infinitely close to shaking her. "You never ever run on the road without stopping first—ever! How many times have I told you that? You almost got killed, sweetie! I almost lost you. How could I face your father if anything happened to you!? It would kill him too. It'd kill me!" I'm rambling hysterically and with barely any rationality as Addie bursts into tears and begins to howl.
"I'm sorry, Bella!" she proclaims repeatedly as tears stream without end down her face, until I realize she's calling me mommy as she kisses my cheeks and attempts in all her childish innocence to wipe my tears away. "Ten th-thousand y-years will g-give you su-such a cr-crick in the n-neck."
I think I laugh, whether or not I'm even capable of it right now, before we both cry until there's no more tears left in either of us. Then, in the silence of continued shock, I lift her shakily in my arms and hobble back home.
With each unsteady step I take, all I can think, all I can fathom, is Edward trusts me with his little girl, and today I broke that trust. I made a fatal mistake that could have not only cost Addie's life, but Edward's as well, and I cannot conceive of it.
Of losing them.
I give Addie a bath, and while I'm numb, she's as shellshocked as her father was the week before. Her large, clear green eyes are vacant, haunted, and she won't look at me.
"Are you still angry at me, Bella?" she asks timidly, breaking into fresh tears as I'm helping her into her pajamas afterward.
"Hey. Look at me," I say in a deliberately soothing voice, even as it hitches hoarsely, before wiping a damp strand of her hair gently behind her ear. "I'm not angry at you, sweetie. You just scared me, that's all. You're my favorite little girl in the whole world. What would I do without you?"
She almost smiles, nods her head and hastily wipes away her tears with the back of her hand. "Will you still take me running with you?"
"'Course I will," I promise her.
Whether her father will allow me to again is another matter, though.
"I'm sorry, Bella," she professes again as I shake my head to placate her.
"You don't have to be sorry. None of what happened is your fault, 'kay? So, no being sad anymore."
She nods again dolefully, but I'm not sure she believes me and it's breaking my heart.
I uber McDonald's for dinner and we eat it while watching Encanto on the sofa. Addie's quiet, she doesn't sing a single note, and I have zero appetite, I can't stop myself from shaking, and the effort to keep it from her along with maintaining the smile on my face, completely exhausts me.
She falls asleep just after six, and I creep away to have a shower where I sob until I come close to throwing up.
Never before have I ever felt so much guilt, fear, and heartache to the point it was suffocating. A single moment in time, that's all it would have taken for me to lose everything, and I have no idea how I'll be able to even face Edward, let alone tell him.
A/N: being a parent is not always rainbows and unicorns. Thanks for reading. More soon.