Monachopsis (n.) the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place; maladapted to your surroundings.
Running from her problems was a habit she was still trying to break; and she had been doing such a good job until the scrutinising looks and passive aggressive comments she would overhear about herself threatened to overwhelm her. This wasn't her world, and she was cruelly reminded of the fact again this evening.
The summer was transitioning into autumn at the speed she was expected, by society, to transform from clumsy, headstrong fräulein to elegant and disciplined baroness. There were so many rules and expectations that she was struggling to keep up with and frequent grand balls where she was the main subject of such awful gossip was one of them. What was supposed to be the 'official' announcement and celebration of her engagement to Georg had quickly become a chore as soon as she became painfully aware of the whispering and well acquainted with the glares.
Before the first guests had arrived, Georg had led her into the empty ballroom and kissed her softly, in tune with the fears bubbling inside of her. Quietly reassuring her that no matter what happens, he loves her unconditionally. Maria knew soon enough there will be a day where she'll be able to hold her head up high and walk with confidence, but for now she was content with the safe haven of the garden; sitting on the stone steps, dipping her feet into the lake, under the moon light.
Oh help. She sighed.
Feeling out of place wasn't a foreign concept to Maria. She had almost become a nun despite the frequent reminders that she wasn't great at following instruction, her struggles with obedience and impulsivity and the fact that she brought far too much chaos with her everywhere she went. The rules of society seemed incredibly similar, except now she was also expected to be ladylike. Expectation to be something she wasn't was becoming rather exhausting.
The soon-to-be Baroness von Trapp thought she had been doing a marvellous job at feigning elegance until she realised who they were all sniggering at. The constant comparisons to Baroness Schraeder, from the group of slightly older ladies near the terrace doors, had upset her more than she had wanted them to. More because their uninvited opinion suggested that she was not worthy than anything else. Maria knew otherwise though; the dashing Captain von Trapp has declared his love to her in the moonlight and asked to marry, not any of them.
The water splashing against her ankles was cold, but helped as she tried to ground herself. All the frustration and upset she had been feeling slowly leaving her body as she took in the sight of the moon's reflection in the lake. The tranquility of the lake was a welcome difference to the solitude of the mountains when she would escape as a postulant. How beautiful the mountains looked under the stars. The mountains were her safe space, neutral ground where she could truly be alone and free from expectation and judgement; the place she could run away to and avoid her problems. Now she also had the gazebo and this spot by the lake too. The peace that came from watching the glittering water ripples-
"Aha! There you are." The sudden disruption of silence caused Maria to jump slightly, it was only Georg. "I've been looking for you. You weren't by the gazebo and I almost thought I would be making a late night trip into Salzburg." She couldn't help but smile at his dramatic teasing.
"It just got too much for one evening. So I decided to come out and enjoy the stars." She paused as Georg bent to sit next to her. "I also have more champagne over my ankles than I do in my glass."
Georg let out ungracious snort of laughter as he joined her on the steps. "It's not funny, Georg! I was so focused on being suave and sophisticated that I didn't see one of the ladies to my right and spilt some on her too!"
An arm snaked around her waist as the body it belonged to gently pulled her into an embrace. They sat in content silence, watching the slight waves ripple over the water. A soft kiss to her forehead.
"Maria, what is it?" Georg asked, obviously knowing something deeper than spilling champagne had something to do with it.
The young woman was silent for a few moments.
"Those ladies…" she whispered, finally. "They're so elegant and beautiful and I just–" she paused and held his hand. "It's exhausting trying to live up to expectation all the time. First it was the Sisters and now it's the women of society."
"When have you ever worried about what others have thought about you, without speaking your mind first?"
She smiled at him.
"How long have you been out here?"
"Not long. I just needed a moment to collect my thoughts…I didn't want to bother you."
"Never worry about interrupting me, Maria; you don't usually." His tone was lighthearted as he winked at her.
"Very funny, Captain." She responded, kissing him chastely on the cheek.
"I just thought I would have adjusted by now. I don't need anyone to tell me I don't belong in this world, I'm far too aware of the fact."
"Firstly, I would never want you to adjust. If I wanted that kind of a partner, I wouldn't have fallen in love with you, and just married Elsa. Secondly, you enchant me. Your chaos, your free spirit, your idealistic way of looking at things. I'll be honest, if I had my way, it would have been you, me, Max and the children eating cake, drinking champagne and listening to each other sing." Maria's heart gently fluttered.
"You look beautiful in that dress, even more fetching as you walk around in this pink dress, bare footed. That's who I fell in love with. A young woman who lives her own way and doesn't care about what others think of her." Georg kissed their joined hands.
"It's mortifying though, Georg. To be constantly compared to a much more beautiful woman. To have people say such wicked things about you and hearing the conspiracies about why you no longer decided to be a nun…"
Maria stared out at the lake again, the presence of the Alps always grounding her. Anxiety and frustration radiating through her veins. The gentle caress of the Captain's gloved hand slowly calming her down.
"No one belongs here more than you."
That was all she needed, apparently. Maria sighed deeply before pressing her lips to her fiancé's in gratitude. She loved him beyond comprehension. Her feelings of insecurity didn't vanish, but for the moment she felt safe in the knowledge that this was her place. The mountains used to be the only place she could go and feel free to be herself with no consequence, and more recently the list included the von Trapp villa, most specifically in the embrace of a certain naval captain.
The couple sat in the moonlight for a few moments longer before they heard a chorus of small voices calling out for their Fräulein Maria.
"That sounds like our cue to go back into the lion's den."
Maria laughed.
"Come on, Fräulein." He offered his hand to help her to her feet. "It's getting late and you haven't danced with me yet."
Hand in hand they strolled back towards the courtyard doors, Georg holding Maria's heels in his unoccupied hand.
In the end, their jealousy didn't matter because she has won the lottery of life with a moral, handsome and loving man whom she was engaged to and seven interesting and funny children that were soon able to call her 'mother'.
Maria quickly gave the Captain a peck on the cheek. Yes. She was excited for what happily ever after entailed.