"Do you think that is what would have happened if we hadn't been in Sam's Club when everything happened?" Margo asked with a frown, cuddled into Coke's side.
"I can see it," Nat admitted. "You are great people, best I've ever found and they are callous murderers. If it came down to you or them, there's no question which way I'd jump."
"Disposing of murderers, blackmailing our parents, and running the camp ourselves," Coke said thoughtfully. "Yeah, I can see it too."
"Do you think Xander and Buffy watched the movie and that's why they decided to save us?" Sully asked.
Ludi shook her head. "They didn't recognize us, they saved us because they could."
"And we're the kind of people who would kill to protect each other," Sarah said. "I'm not nearly as surprised by that as I should be, but at least you could see we were all upset when forced to do it, so there's that."
"As I said, you are all great people," Nat said. "I'm relieved we didn't have to kill anyone, the zombies took care of that all on their own."
"So there's a world where we are all actors playing the parts we actually lived here as a movie, minus the zombies," Sarah said.
"Infinite worlds, everything happens at some point," Coke said. "I wonder if there's one where I'm a porn star?"
The group broke up laughing.
"I also found a Terminator movie where they had the guy who played Conan taking OJ Simpson's role," Sully said.
"Really?" Coke asked, surprised. "OJ killed in that role. Pop it in, I think we could use a distraction from contemplating eternity and all that crap."
The sound of a door opening came from the hall and Barbie entered the room with a smile on her face. "I see we have guests," she said pleasantly. "Let me do a quick check to make sure everything's straightened up and I can get you some refreshments."
"Sounds good," Coke said awkwardly, "we were just about to watch a movie."
Barbie nodded. "I heard. Arnold Schwarzenegger does a fantastic job in the role, though if you want my opinion the most humorous version is the one where Nicholas Cage got the role."
"Nicholas Cage?" Coke asked in disbelief. "I've gotta see that."
Barbie stepped over to the bookcase and pulled a DVD off the shelf. "The key to finding the movie you want is to think about what you're looking for before checking it. Otherwise the movie selection defaults to whatever the magic decides has the most personal interest to you, which may be a tad upsetting as you've discovered." She reached out and pulled another DVD off the shelf to show them.
"Coke and Margo make a porno?" Sarah asked in disbelief.
Barbie nodded. "It's more a romantic screwball comedy than anything else, but I'd think you'd find it far more entertaining than a simple porn starring your friends, they tend to be repetitive with little plot."
"Let's stick with Terminator if you don't mind," Nat suggested.
Barbie nodded and set up the movie. "Enjoy," she said before heading upstairs.
"This day just keeps getting stranger," Margo said as the movie started.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
"I always wondered what the Bronze looked like," Dawn said, looking around curiously as the three claimed a table on the second floor overlooking everything.
"You'll get to see a lot more of it next year when you join us in high school," Cordelia said, "it's one of the few clubs for minors in the town."
"They like to bring in local bands and while the music may be hit or miss they're always entertaining," Willow added.
"And vampires come here?" Dawn asked, eyeing the crowd cautiously.
Willow nodded. "Keep an eye on the side door near the bathroom, that's where they take their victims."
"I've already seen one couple go out there," Dawn hissed worriedly.
"That was just Harmony and Randal," Cordelia said, "because couples also duck out for a little private time."
"How do you tell the difference between lunch and... grab ass?" Dawn asked, unable to think of the right word off the top of her head.
"Slayers are supposed to be able to sense vampires, but that's really not one of Buffy's skills," Willow admitted, "so instead she's gotten really good at judging them by the clothes they're wearing."
"The clothes they're wearing?" Dawn asked. "You mean how they like to dress in black leather?"
"Kinda," Willow said. "See, vampires are kinda like pressed flowers, preserved at the moment they're picked. They don't change or grow, so their clothes are often decades out of date, making it easier to spot them."
"And all the black leather?" Dawn asked.
"Some sort of pack thing when they're out lurking in the dark rather than trying to blend in," the redhead replied.
"What if they're recently turned so their clothes are still fashionable?" Cordelia asked curiously.
"We keep a close eye on who goes missing or dies," Willow said, "so we get them too."
"Sounds like a full time job," Cordelia said with a frown. "Do you at least get paid for it?"
"No, The Watcher's Council considers it the sacred duty of the Slayer and don't like civilians getting involved, so we do all this for free," Willow replied. "Sometimes we get to loot some rare artifacts or books, but we don't actually get cash."
"Vampires don't carry cash?" Cordelia asked. "How do they bank?"
"I feel like I'm missing something here," Willow said with a frown.
"Look, Banker's Hours is a phrase for a reason," Cordelia explained, "banks are always closed long before the sun goes down and vampires still have to purchase things to fit in, so they have to be carrying a lot of cash on them."
"Oh," Willow said, getting what Cordelia was talking about. "Everything they have on them turns to ash when they're staked and knocking them out is dangerous. If we could safely mug them we would."
"You could safely mug them now," Dawn pointed out. "Just lift them in the air, rip open all their pockets and then chuck them in the ocean."
"Can vampires drown?" Cordelia asked.
"No, but the sun would probably come up before they could reach shore if you threw them far enough," Dawn said.
"Looks like I have a new hobby," Willow said with a grin.
"And we have our first vampire of the night," Cordelia said, "those shoes so don't go with that purse."
Dawn and Willow turned to see a girl with short red hair leading one of the football team out the side door. The three quickly hopped up and hurried to follow them out.
"Shouldn't we be running?" Dawn asked, since while they were walking briskly they weren't moving nearly as fast as they could.
"She's not going to kill him right away, she's going to play with him first and we want her too distracted to notice us," Willow explained. "Remember, five times as strong and fast as a normal human on average."
"She looked pretty small," Dawn pointed out.
"So she'd need both hands to throw you across the alley instead of just one, it still hurts," Willow replied.
"Meh, I'd bounce," Dawn replied. "And then I'd cunt punt her."
"Does that work?" Cordelia asked.
"You've never been hit in the cooch?" Dawn asked in disbelief.
Cordelia rolled her eyes. "I know it works on us, but does it work on vampires?"
"It totally works," Willow assured them, "now shh, we're going to need to be sneaky here."
The three slipped out the side door into the dimly lit back alley.
"You're getting good at this," Harmony moaned out.
"I've started playing piano, it really helps me with my finger work," Randall bragged.
"Are you about to make a fingering 'A Minor' joke?" Harmony demanded.
"Maybe," Randall admitted.
"We're through," Harmony said firmly.
"Dammit!" Randall cursed.
"Hey, watch the teeth!" the jock's voice sounded out.
"And that's our cue," Willow said as they moved past the dumpster and rushed around the corner. She gestured and the short haired girl was telekinetically yanked back while the jock fumbled with his pants, cursing all the while before running away.
Cordelia pulled out her stake and the alley lit up as she released her wings, stake glowing brightly.
Willow shoved a cross in the redhead's face and she winced back. "Ow, what was that for?!"
Cordelia moved to stake her but found herself unable to move.
"Not a vampire, just really bad at blow jobs," Willow said, letting the girl go.
"That's not a crime," the girl complained.
"But those shoes with that purse?!" Cordelia demanded.
"I spilled nail polish on the ones I was planning on wearing," she said, eyeing Cordelia nervously. "That's not a smiting offense... is it?"
Cordelia sighed and pulled her wings back in. "Fine, but this was your only warning and you're getting off lucky."
"Thank you!" the girl exclaimed. "I promise I'll never sin against fashion again!" She quickly fled back into the club.
"You're an angel?" Harmony asked, having been attracted by the light and noise. "I knew it!"
"Really?" Dawn asked, amused.
"Oh totally," Harmony said. "She always makes sure I pick the best clothes and makeup, plus she saved my life by warning me off going after Xander."
"Saved your life?" Dawn asked with a grin.
"Willow would have totally killed me, like she did that transfer student who didn't get the word," Harmony said.
"What did happen to Ampata?" Dawn asked. "She just up and vanished one day."
"Yes Willow, what did happen to her?" Cordelia asked pointedly.
"Are you claiming I killed her?" Willow demanded.
"Were you there when she died?" Cordelia asked dryly.
"Yes," Willow admitted.
"And did you plan out how to kill her?" she added.
"A bit," Willow muttered. "Listen, before we get things completely twisted here, Ampata was a resurrected Aztec Princess who had to feed on the life force of living people."
"I guess that made her a valid target," Cordelia conceded.
"Were you planning to kill her before you found that out?" Harmony asked.
"Thoughts are not actions," Willow said firmly. "Now come on, we'll hit the cemetery and find some vampires to slay."
"You weren't planning to kill me before we got Love and Compassion, were you?" Dawn asked nervously.
"Thought barely crossed my mind," Willow assured her.
"So it did cross your mind!" Harmony accused.
Willow rolled her eyes. "Everyone has intrusive thoughts, the difference between sane and crazy is if you listen to them. The occasional murderous impulse is perfectly normal."
"Really?" Harmony asked, surprised.
"Yeah, but they usually don't involve complex plans and cost estimates for materials," Cordelia said dryly.
Willow stopped and turned to stare at Cordelia, eyes wide. "How?"
"I've seen what you write on scratch paper during tests while I'm checking my answers against yours to make sure I don't get too many right," Cordelia replied.
"Oh," Willow said and shrugged. "Well, intrusive thoughts often last up to a minute or so, it just happens I can think up some pretty complex plans in under a minute."
"Makes sense," Harmony agreed, relaxing. "So I can ask Xander out without worrying about getting shanked in the shower?"
"We're doing a whole harem thing with him now, so sure," Willow said, "knock yourself out."
"That still seems more out there than vampires and demons," Cordelia admitted.
"Xander is really well hung and has the ability to give himself an extra nine of them at will," Willow said, "a girl only has so many orifices."
"Ten?! Holy shit, I can see why you're recruiting," Harmony said.
"This has been the weirdest day," Cordelia muttered.
"Even stranger than yesterday?" Harmony asked.
"Yeah, this one tops it," Cordelia replied as they entered Wakefield Cemetery. "So, how hard is it to find one out here?"
A pair of black clad vampires came out from behind a mausoleum.
"I always said the younger the better," one said, eyeing Dawn.
"I like them with a lot more breast meat, bigger lungs for screaming, know what I mean?" the other said.
Willow extended a hand and grabbed them with her telekinesis, freezing them in place. Their struggles to break her grip didn't even rate a raised eyebrow. "Okay Cordelia, you're up."
Cordelia pulled out her stake and her wings all but exploded out of her back, lighting up the cemetery and causing the vampires to scream and smoke as if they were being exposed to sunlight. Screams came from several parts of the cemetery as any vampires present fled. The two vampires ashed as she got within a couple of feet of them. "I didn't even get to use my stake," she complained, folding her wings up.
"If even the light from it dusts them, I think we have our answer," Willow said.
"What are you?!" a dark skinned girl demanded, stake in hand as she prowled forward from the darkness.
"Glowing wings, vampires dust, even I can tell an angel when I see one," Harmony said bluntly.
"I don't believe it," the girl said. "I mean, I felt it, the light, but it's hard to believe."
"And you are?" Cordelia asked.
"I am Kendra the Vampire Slayer," she said proudly.
"What?! But Buffy was just here a couple of hours ago!" Willow exclaimed, racking her brain. "You didn't happen to become a Slayer just about two months ago, did you?"
"Yes, how did you know?" Kendra asked, surprised.
"Because that's when Buffy drowned and then was revived with CPR," Willow said.
"The former Slayer is still alive?" Kendra asked, shocked.
"Yeah, but she and Xander are dealing with a zombie apocalypse out of town right now and won't be back for a week," Willow replied.
"This… this is unprecedented," the new Slayer said. "I must report it to the resident Watcher!"
"Giles is getting very drunk and will remain so until Monday morning," Willow told her. "It's been a very weird couple of days."
"Let's all go back to your place and continue our slumber party," Cordelia said.
"Don't you want to try channeling power to your baton to see what happens?" Willow asked.
"Vampires dust when I get near them, I'm good," Cordelia said.
"Are we going to play Twister?!" Harmony squealed excitedly.
"I could go for another round," Dawn said, trying not to smirk.
"Do you have any idea how flexible I am?" Harmony said with a grin. "I'll eat you alive."
Dawn giggled. "I'll bet you won't."
"You're with us until Monday when Giles is back," Willow told Kendra.
"But I was called here to stop a great evil from rising," the Slayer protested.
"And we have something going on that will remove..." Willow paused and looked around. "I'll explain when we're somewhere a little privater, but it's why Giles felt we could have the weekend off."
"You work with the Watcher?" Kendra asked, just to be sure.
Willow nodded. "Buffy was forced to explain to her mom what a Slayer was and what she did, so Giles is calming her down with a lot of alcohol."
"Mom was kind of upset," Dawn said dryly.
"You are the Slayer Buffy's sister?" Kendra asked.
"That's one of my many hats these days," Dawn agreed. "Finding out my sister was sneaking off to save people and wasn't just a thirsty slut was a bit of a shock."
"You thought Buffy was a thirsty slut?" Willow asked in disbelief.
"She snuck out every night, rarely sleeping in her own bed until early in the morning, her clothes covered in... goo, she always got between me and Xander when she could, and then the whole thing with Angel," Dawn replied. "What would you have guessed?"
"Yeah, if I didn't know about vampires I'd probably have thought the same thing," Willow admitted.
Kendra turned to Cordelia. "You are dating the Slayer Buffy?"
"No, I'm an angel, we know a guy named Angel," Cordelia said.
"We'll talk more when we're indoors and nowhere near any vampires," Willow said. "They have really good ears."
"And here I thought I'd have to go out to eat," a vampire said as he stepped out of a crypt.
Willow gestured and ripped all of his clothes off before flinging him towards the ocean, his scream fading off in the distance. "Can't say much for their intelligence though," she said while his clothes floated over to her and she searched them for valuables. "Huh, you were right, there must be like twelve hundred dollars here."
"I told you," Cordelia said confidently, "they can't use banks so they have to keep all their cash on them."
"Well, let's go get under threshold protections so we can tell Kendra what's going on and it looks like pizza is on me," Willow said cheerfully.
"Pizza?" Kendra asked, instinctively following them.
Typing By: Abyssal Angel
Beta By: Abyssal Angel and Mist of Shadows
TN: Cordelia being mistaken as an angel of fashion hurts me on a level I was previously unaware I could feel pain on. Deep. Deep in my soul by several levels.
Mist: Her fashion choices were a 'bit' hit and miss.