Episode 9: Wizards of the Coast
[Screen square intro]
"You already know that I'm really cool and Josh isn't," said Drake.
"I have a lot of talents that Drake doesn't have," Josh said.
"Part of the reason why is that Josh always does that lame stuff, like magic," Drake said.
"I'm a decent stage magician. I'm not the best or anything, but I can do some tricks," Josh continued.
"Magic tricks are only ever not lame when they're done by the right guy, and even then it's only interesting for, like, ten seconds."
"I've never had any explaination for how the pros like Henry Doheny can do that stuff," Josh said.
"That Doheny guy who stayed at our house. It was okay for a little tiny bit, then he just started hogging my room and making things disappear," Drake said.
"My former idol was an awful houseguest, but he did things that don't obey physics."
"Dude tricked us into thinking we killed him. What a jerk!"
"He may have made me think I was a manslaughterer, but I want to know his secrets," Josh said.
[Screen square intro ends]
Josh was sitting on the couch in his room, watching TV. Drake was behind him, holding his guitar.
"She's got eyes like the bluest guys and if childhood memory..." Drake said, playing Sweet Child O' Mine by Guns N Roses and mangling the lyrics.
Josh looked annoyed. Drake started speaking to him.
"Hey, Josh, what's the best way to finger A minor? Should I do it like Jimmy Page or Chuck Berry?"
"How should I know?" asked Josh, continuing to watch TV.
Drake then began an attempt to play Dazed and Confused by Led Zeppelin. Josh paused the TV.
"Will you stop it?" he yelled. "I'm trying to watch Oprah."
"That's a recorded show, and you've watched this episode ten times already."
"It's only been five times, for your information!" Josh said haughtily.
Drake rolled his eyes and began to play Smells Like Teen Spirit. Josh looked mad.
"I'm gonna fix you," he said.
Drake looked nonplussed. Josh grabbed a sheet from his bed and draped it over Drake's hands and guitar. Drake did not try to resist.
"Now, I'm gonna make it disappear. JOSHAKAZAM!" Josh said.
He then pulled the sheet back off and saw that the instrument was still there.
"Ooh, scary," said Drake sarcastically. "I knew it wouldn't work."
"My tricks always need setup," Josh said, defeatedly. "Mr. Doheny could do weird things, like teleport people or make Dad's hair vanish. Have you ever wondered why he can do things that defy science?"
"No," said Drake, as Josh sat back on the couch.
Drake began playing a snippet of Travelling Riverside Blues by Led Zeppelin, originally by Robert Johnson.
"I'm in a state of constant Heaven in my mind
'Cause I got a little schoolgirl, and she's all mine"
[Intro song]
Well, I never thought it would be so simple, but
I found a way, I found a way
And if you open up your mind
See what's inside
Gonna take some time to realign
Over your shoulder, you know that I told you
I'll always be picking you up when you're down
So just turn around
Hoo!
The two boys were in the hallway at school.
"I can't believe Mrs. Hayfer's making us read about 1984. It's by that same guy who wrote about those dumb pigs," said Drake.
"How did they build things without hands?" Josh asked.
"She keeps telling us, 'Oh, the book's world sucks so much'. It can't be that bad; Ride the Lightning came out."
"What's Ride the Lightning?" Josh asked.
"One of the greatest albums of the 80's," Drake said. "The guitar is so awesome."
"Are you thinking of Purple Rain?" Josh asked.
"What's Purple Rain?" Drake asked.
Suddenly, Eric walked up.
"Hey, Josh. Can you do some magic?" he asked.
"Yes, I just need a set of cards," Josh replied.
Eric pulled out a deck, prompting Drake to scoff.
"You carry a deck of cards with you? Lame," he said.
Josh took the deck from Eric and pulled out a card.
"Don't tell me which card this is," Josh said, showing the front to Eric.
"You're gonna keep your finger on it when shuffling. I learned this from merrymagicians .com," Eric said.
"Well, that was rude," Josh said.
"Why don't you make a card disappear or something?" Eric asked.
"Well, excuse me for not breaking the laws of physics we're studying!" Josh retorted.
"I see that at the Magic Palace all the time," said a background character walking by.
Eric walked offscreen.
"Why did Mrs. Hayfer give you two copies of 1984?" Drake asked.
"The other one's for you. She doesn't trust you to carry it."
[Arrow transition]
The family was together in their living room. Audrey spoke to her children.
"Well, everyone, your stepfather or father and I are going somewhere."
"Where are you going?" asked Megan.
"I'm not sure, but we'll be gone for no real reason, like usual," said Walter.
The three kids looked exasperated. Walter and Audrey walked offscreen.
"I am gonna find out how the magicians do the impossible things. Maybe they can teach me," Josh said determinedly.
"Woah, lameness alert," Drake said.
"You'll never saw me in half," said Megan.
"I should do my classwork," Josh said absentmindedly.
He opened his backpack and pulled out his copy of 1984. He then put it on the couch.
"Dude, at least wait a little bit," Drake said.
"Yeah, I should, but my grades have been falling lately. Must be the wacky adventures," Josh said.
While Josh wasn't looking, Megan snatched the book away.
"I've got an awesome gig I'll be going to tomorrow. I'll be playing at a party in Rancho Santa Fe," Drake said.
"Remind me why I'm not following you anymore. Considering I'm you manager," said Josh to his stepbrother.
"Because those couple times you've gone with me, it's gone wrong. There were also those two times it went right. I wanna see if something bad happens when you're not with me," Drake answered.
Megan tucked the book under her shirt.
"There are no flaws in your logic," Josh snapped back.
"Thank you," said Drake. "Anyway, after this, I might be playing at PCA."
"PCA?" Josh asked.
"Yeah, it's this boarding school nearby. Some students are trying to raise money to let me go play there."
"You have a number one hit, and you're going to play at some weird middle or high school?" Megan asked.
"Hey, shut up, Megs," Drake snapped.
His sister smiled.
[Arrow transition]
We see the outside of the Premier. The movies advertised are "BINGO MUPPET", "KILL YOUSSEF", "LOBSTER FEET", and "FURRY FURY". Josh was at the desk again.
"And I'm telling you, he gave me one million medallions just to kill his fifth-biggest crab," the customer said to Josh.
"Uh huh..." Josh said, not paying attention. "Look, could you just give me the money and I'll give you the popcorn."
"But of course, my good man!" the customer said.
He pulled a twenty dollar bill out of his left ear and a business card out of his right ear.
"Here is your money, foolish Snuggle, and here is my card."
"Not even my weirdest customer," Josh said to himself, handing him the popcorn.
"I love a good spot of tea with my grandpa's ashes. It will be easier when he's dead," said the customer and he took the popcorn, before running off and striking up a background conversation with Crazy Steve.
Drake entered the camera's view and sat down at a table. He practiced his air guitar skills. Then, he walked over towards Josh.
"'Sup, man," Drake said.
"Hello," said Josh.
"Do you think my tongue can grow bigger if I put salt on it?" Drake asked.
"Why don't you try it for yourself?" Josh responded.
"Cool idea. Maybe I'll do that later. I have a show coming up."
"I know. You told me I wasn't invited, even though I'm your manager," said Josh.
"I promise I'll invite you to the show after this one, or maybe the one after that. I wanna see if the pattern holds," said Drake.
"You know, if you were as curious about school stuff as this useless stuff, maybe..." Josh began.
"I'd be another nerd? No thanks! No offense."
"Some offense taken."
"Yeah, whatever. This party I'm playing at is at 18 something Colina Norte Street," said Drake, before walking off.
"That sounds familiar, like I heard it on the news years ago," Josh said, pulling out the business card. "Hey, this says the magician is based at 18341 Colina Norte!"
Crazy Steve then bellowed, "If the Red Hot Chili Peppers can take off their clothes in the workplace, then why can't I?"
[Arrow transition]
The boys and Megan were in the living room again. Megan was excitedly reading 1984.
"I told you," said Drake. "You can come along to the next one or maybe the one after that."
"Oh, alright," said Josh.
"You can do it, Winston! I know you can!" Megan cheered at the book.
Drake shot her a strange look and did not notice the book.
"You were talking about getting some magician dude's address," Drake said to Josh.
"Yeah, he pulled the card out of his nose and it had his address on it. That's not normal," Josh said.
"Why are you so interested in that?" Drake asked.
"Because it tears up the laws of physics! PHYSICS!"
"Big deal. You did that when you got low grades, before I helped you," Drake said.
"Your 'help' got my teacher fired, skunkbag!" Josh shouted.
"Woah, just take it easy, man," Drake responded.
"This book is just like real life," Megan said. "They should never be too strong."
"The address I got from the magician is, I think, a couple of doors away from the party you're playing at," Josh said.
"Oh, okay, maybe we could go together after all," Drake said.
"Thank you," Josh said.
"But magic is still lame."
"Whatever," said Josh, as the two of them walked offscreen.
Megan looked at the pages of the book intently. Then she put it down on a chair.
"This is a very different book than I'm used to reading. This guy, George, knew what he was talking about. Hey, is it just me, or can no one in the living room ever hear things from the kitchen?"
[Arrow transition]
Drake and Josh got out of the car on a new set. It was in front of a church and near a large house.
"Are we just gonna stand here and talk until we walk away?" Josh asked.
"We always do that," said Drake. "Let's try moving without having a five minute conversation."
They then walked offscreen, but the camera caught up to them. They were now standing in the churchyard.
"Why don't you like magic?" Josh asked his stepbrother.
"I don't know, it's just never been as fun as music or girls," Drake said.
"This street we're on sounds familiar," Josh said.
"Yeah, because you read about it," Drake replied.
"No, I feel like I heard about it on the news years ago."
"So, remind me again why you came out here to where this magician says he works?"
"Remind me why you brought a gun to school," Josh snapped back.
"I didn't know I'd get arrested," Drake said.
"My idea does seem stupid, but I want to know how some magicians do the impossible, and it was near where your concert was," Josh said.
"So what are you gonna do, just ring the doorbell?" Drake asked.
"I might," said Josh.
He walked up to the front door and Drake followed him. Josh rang the doorbell, but the steps split open and the boys fell down into a hole.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" they both screamed as they landed in a pit.
"Ouch, my butt," Josh said, wincing.
"Okay, what just happened?" Drake asked.
"I don't know," Josh said truthfully.
"We're gonna die!" Drake yelled.
"And for once, it's not your fault," Josh chimed in.
Back at their house, Megan was still reading.
"What are Winston and Julia doing? Ew," she said.
[Arrow transition]
The two boys were now in front of a council of people in red robes and hoods.
"Who are you?" Josh asked, panicking.
"What's going on?" asked Drake, also panicking.
"Hey, Jerry, why did you bring us over here? It just looks like two idiots rang our doorbell," said one of the hooded figures in an unintimidating voice.
"Because, Reginald, these two dudes invaded our space when we weren't ready," said another figure.
"We have a secret to hold," chimed in a third figure.
"Could any of you tell us what is happening?" Josh asked the crowd.
"Yes, we could," said Jerry.
"Wait, are you Jerry that I was once friends with and Josh was jealous?" Drake asked.
"No, moron, I'm thirty-five," said Jerry.
"Some guy gave me his business card, and it said he worked here. What's happening?" Josh cried.
"I did it. I gave the big-headed boy my card," said a figure in the same voice as the guy at the Premier.
"Kevin, what have I told you about that? We're not ready yet," said Reginald.
"What are you not ready for?" Drake asked.
"It," one figure responded, unhelpfully.
"More importantly, why don't you let us go?" Josh asked.
"Because you might figure out the secret of magic," a figure replied.
"Maurice..." all the others groaned exasperatedly.
"I'm magic too," Josh half-truthed.
"Well, then, you should check out our instructional video," said one of the figures.
He then said "Abbakadoobie!" and a laptop appeared in Josh's hands.
[Arrow transition]
Drake and Josh were looking at the laptop. An instructional video was playing on the screen. It was presented by a cartoon character with a very large head.
"Hello, fellow wizard. Thank you for joining us on our special project. I'm making a recording! Go away, Mom! I'll cut this part out. We shall humiliate these Snuggles who do silly card tricks when we show them our power. Hey, that rhymes. 'Our power'."
Funny cartoon drawings of dying people appeared around the video host.
"We hope you will be a valuable addition to the plan. We can maybe do it faster, then. I think it's best that we use a church that some crazy Snuggles killed themselves in, so the cops will think that we're crazy suicidal Snuggles too."
"Well, I remember where I heard about this," Josh said.
The host continued.
"It's time to really flex your magic muscles, new recruit! No, seriously, Mom, go away! We will change San Diego forever. I know this is San Diego, but has anyone noticed all the buildings look like LA?
"We are going to make the Snuggles pay. By concentrating out magical powers in this building, we shall eventually make a new San Diego that will replace the first one. All the Snuggles and traitor-wizards in the city will go splat, and we'll be okay because we'll be at sea. At least, I think so. I still haven't bought that boat yet. That thing's expensive.
"The Snuggles shall rue the day they did funny tricks at birthdays and dressed up as us for Halloween. You think making one card change is magic? Try dropping San Diego on San Diego. Boo-yah, baby!"
This whole time, there were cartoon graphics of everything, except the interruptions and the boat cost.
"I can't stand the traitor-wizards, too. Like that Henry Doheny dude. All those traitors just do funny stuff for Snuggles when they ripped us off. That's like black people doing blackface. We'll crush them, too, under the weight of our new San Diego. We'll have the last laugh.
"I know what you're thinking. 'Won't the government try to kill us after we flatten San Diego?' One thing at a time, dude. Most Sunggles know a bit about our existence, but don't give a chizz. And, fortunately for us, the ones that do are almost always socially inept. We are looking forward to seeing you at the next ritual. Thank you."
"Woah!" was all Josh could say.
"I didn't really catch that," said Drake.
[Arrow transition]
The two boys were sitting on a couch next to a poorly drawn pentagram symbol on the floor. It was oozing glowing green gas.
"Would it kill you guys to turn the lights on? I can't see well," said Drake.
"Sorry, man. We're saving up so we can buy that big boat," said the nearest wizard.
"What are we going to do?" Josh loudly whispered to his stepbrother.
"Are you crazy? They'll hear us," Drake loudly whispered back, hypocritically.
"When has anyone ever heard us when we're talking like this?" Josh asked.
"Good point," Drake agreed.
"So, what are we gonna do?" Josh repeated.
"I don't know. We need to think of a plan," Drake said.
"I think I have my cell phone," said Josh, reaching into his pocket. "Oh no."
"Why? What's wrong?" Drake asked.
"I just found out Oprah got canceled. I don't have my cell phone, idiot!" Josh said.
"How did you find out... never mind, we gotta get out."
Josh got up from the couch and Drake followed suit. They both started tiptoeing away when a wizard saw them.
"Hey, new guys," he said. "Why don't we play some board games and you can talk about your magic. Waboosnip!"
When he said his magic word, a Monopoly box appeared in his hands.
"Uh, no thanks," said Drake.
"Oh no, please, I insist," said the wizard.
"Oh, uh..." Josh began.
Suddenly, Drake bumped into the pot and some of its contents fell out. A fire suddenly broke out on the floor. The boys and the wizard screamed and ran.
"They are saboteurs!" shouted Jerry the wizard. "Get them, Gary!"
"Wheeliekadoodle!" said another wizard, and there was a loud thud.
A tank fell from the ceiling and landed on many wizards. There wasn't much screaming.
"Well, uh, that's why we were trying to buy the boat. Oh no," said Gary the wizard.
Drake and Josh ran and jumped on a trampoline that was near where they had fallen.
[Arrow transition]
They were back in their house.
"Good thing they had that rampoline there," Drake said.
"Why would they want to crush San Diego?" said Josh.
"Why do they call people Snuggles?" Drake asked.
"They just dropped a tank on themselves!" Josh said.
"You told them you were a wizard," said Drake.
Audrey then walked onscreen.
"So, how did your concert go?" Audrey asked.
"You're never gonna believe this," Drake said.
Megan was sitting on her bed and put down 1984.
"Poor Winston. I will avenge you. I will take up your goal to take down the evil Big Brother."
[Credits scene]
Two men in red robes and hoods were mopping the floor next to an army tank.