Hello everyone! Updating a few days earlier than I'd originally planned, but that's just my lack of self-control.
Y'all seriously struck awe into my heart with how many sweet reviews and messages I got after my last chapter. I was blown away to return from such a hiatus and receive nothing but love from everyone, so thank you. Like, five million times, thank you.
Enjoy!
The Loudest Silence
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Somewhere uphill in the forest, I heard familiar voices shouting. The words were fuzzy and we could only decipher bits and pieces from a distance, but the panic behind them was clear as day.
" – where they should have been!"
" – some of her clothes! But – "
"Thorin? Thorin?!"
"Jenna?!" I was sure I recognized Bofur's voice.
"Thorin, where in Durin's name have you gone?!" Dwalin, certainly.
Some of them drew nearer, enough so for Thorin to call out in return, "Down here!"
It took maybe a few seconds before there was the thunderous noise of several Dwarves barreling downhill, exclamations of, "There! Look!" and "I see them!". A handful of them had yet to spot Jean's body, and I could hear them asking, "What's wrong? We heard the lass call!"
Once they arrived properly, skidding to a halt as they took in the scene, there were much more concerned reactions and a bit of gasping. I couldn't find it in myself to look up from Thorin's chest and see who all had come, but I recognized the din of worried chatter. A couple sets of feet made their way closer.
"Thorin! Jenna!" Fili exclaimed, almost at the same time that Kili asked, "Thorin, what happened?"
"Are the both of ye okay?! Is she hurt?! What's wrong?" Bofur questioned frantically, and I could tell he'd crouched next to us along with the two princes.
"We're unharmed. She's just shaken," Thorin answered evenly. He explained further about how the noise of the waters masked the sound of the man's approach, how the smell grew stronger, but Thorin didn't realize which direction it was coming from until Jean was already upon me. "He was not in his right mind, wanting revenge and blaming us for the Warg attack. There was an opening and he took it, sent me rolling down the hill with him."
Later, I would be glad that Balin's shirt he loaned me was long enough to cover most of my underwear, though at the time I was only focused on not quaking out of existence entirely. It felt like Thorin's grip was the only thing keeping me planted on the earth.
Dwalin addressed something we'd all been wondering, tone betraying his anger as he asked, "How did that bastard survive the Wargs? He should've been scraps at best."
"However he managed the escape, he wasn't doing very well, judging by this infection," Balin said, closer to where I knew Jean's corpse was. "Had you not done him in, the fever would have within the week, if I were to hazard a guess."
"Suppose we got our answer to where that smell was coming from," Gloín piped up grimly.
"Aye, unfortunately." There was movement as Thorin guided me to sit up, carefully but with purpose, urging in a gentle tone, "Jenna, we must continue onwards, if you are able."
He was right, of course. Obviously we had to get a move on. There were much worse things than Jean following us, and I knew that better than most. I managed a weak nod, begging my body to listen as Thorin helped me to my knees at least, before there were new hands on my shoulders. He passed me over to Bofur, one hand lingering on my arm and the other still at my waist. Had it been anyone else in my position, I would've said it was almost like he had trouble letting go, like there was some reassurance to be had by keeping me close.
Thorin's fingers slipped away and he stood to go collect his sword, vanishing whatever thought tickled at the back of my brain. That would be something to analyze at a later time, when I didn't feel so much like a deflated airbag.
"Here, ye might be needin' these back," Bofur said, returning my pants to me. Though I wasn't sure if the attempt at levity in his tone was more for me or himself, it was appreciated either way. "The lads have yer boots right here too. Let's get ye decent again, aye?"
For the first time since their arrival, I looked up to see Bofur. My lip wibbled when I caught the concern creasing his brow and the slight shine in his kind brown eyes. We were a mess, but I nodded again dutifully, fighting back a few stray sniffles and wiping my tears with my sleeves so I could see what I was doing. Some of the others turned their heads away pointedly until I had my pants on, Bofur almost comically trying to balance being polite but not letting me fall over at the same time, hovering and saying vague encouraging things. As Fili and Kili handed me my socks and boots and I pulled them on, there were plans being made.
"Dwalin, Gloín, help me take care of the body. Orcs will find it and know we were here otherwise," Thorin instructed, then turning our way. "Fili, Kili, Bofur… Take her back to camp, round up the others, and Balin – meet us there, beneath that ridge." Through the trees across a large dip in the valley, Thorin motioned. "We will catch up with you, do not delay."
There was a sense of consternation on Balin's face, but all the same he understood what had to be done, giving a quick nod and an affirmative, "Aye. We'll meet you there, laddie."
Wait. Wait, wait, wait. What?
This – splitting the Company? That wasn't the plan, this wasn't part of the story! I didn't know I had any energy left to panic more on this day, but here it was, sending my heart racing again. What if the three of them stayed behind to take care of a mess that was ultimately my fault and they were caught by Orcs? Jean wouldn't even be here if it weren't for my involvement.
"Gloín, fetch us a shovel. We'll look for softer ground – this area is mostly shallow dirt and stone," Thorin continued, and Gloín jogged off in the direction of camp.
The others were already hopping to it as well, with Balin heading back up the hill, Fili on one side of me and Bofur on the other, kind of gently nudging me along. Kili was a little ways behind us, coming to an abrupt stop so as not to run into me when I ground my heels in.
"Jenna, what's wrong?" Fili asked when he realized I was resisting his tugs, my shoulders coming up unconsciously to buck his hand off my arm. "We need to get a move on, as Thorin said."
I wasn't looking at Fili, however, as my wide eyes darted between Thorin, Dwalin, and their task laying on the ground. My stomach churned a bit when Thorin crouched to remove his dagger from the man's chest with a mighty pull, but I wasn't so sure it was from the sight of blood. I'd seen much worse after all, even just on this glamorous trip alone.
Dwalin noticed my hesitation as he was walking to the opposite side of Jean's corpse. I'm not sure how my blatant fear of this unknown timeline change was coming across, but it must have been notable, even if he mistook my worries simply for the anxiety of leaving them behind. He spoke up with a, "Go on, lass, we're not in the trenches or nothin'. This won't be but a jiffy."
At the realization of who Dwalin was addressing, Thorin looked over his shoulder at me. His expression was intense but unreadable, and I tried to convey my concerns by glancing at Jean then back to Thorin, scrunching my brows and craning my head forward with a meaningful tilt.
There was very little change to Thorin's expression, just a minuscule softening of the tense lines on his face, before he gave a sharp nod and said, "Do not worry. Go now."
I had to pray that meant he understood, that he knew this was an alteration to the story. That was the best I could hope for with others present. I let my shoulders fall slightly from their rigid position, though Fili hesitated to return his hand to its place.
Unawares to Thorin and I, our surrounding bystanders were all trading curious looks with one another as our exchange played out.
The return to camp was just as much of an affair as you can imagine. Those that stayed behind in case Thorin or I had ran back were waiting with bated breath, but once they saw the state I was in, it was even more clear that something bad had happened. Gloín had given the vaguest and most worrying of explanations when he sprinted back for the shovel – "No one of any importance died, just need this so we can deal with a body!" – and then dashed away again before we got there. These guys had to work on their communication skills.
My face was still puffy and raw from crying, and now that the adrenaline had fled, my feet were sore from my haphazard run through the woods. I tried not to walk too rigid though, not wanting to worry my friends any further than I already had that day.
Balin picked up the reins on everything, letting the Company know what happened and that Thorin, Dwalin, and Gloín would be catching up with us when they finished burying that bastard. There were, naturally, exclamations of surprise and a few curses at the thought that Jean stalked us down yet again.
"You tellin' me he wasn't already Warg chow?" Nori asked, baffled.
Kili answered gravely with a scowl, "Apparently not."
Balin had already heaved on his pack and I did the same, mouthing a thank you to Bilbo as he handed my bag to me. Once Fili, Kili, and Bofur had their stuff as well, and everyone had secured our missing friends' bedrolls and bags for them in one way or another, we set off warily. Nobody liked the idea of splitting the Company or leaving our leader behind, but they were three of our most capable warriors. They would be fine.
They had to be.
My thoughts were a tumultuous collage of everything that could go wrong, everything that already had gone wrong. How much was I actually helping them if all my actions led to some worse outcome than if I wasn't here? Would we even make it across the Misty Mountains now? Would we reach that final battle only to lose everyone because of some inane domino effect from me sneezing at the wrong time?
The Company was quiet, for obvious reasons, though it really soured my mood considering we had just begun to enjoy ourselves a little yesterday. My birthday had been lovely and thoughtful, with my friends trying their best to make it so, even in the face of this perilous quest. As we trekked on through the winding forestry, I once again found myself battling my own mind, wondering if I could really help them at all. I understood that the morning had taken its toll on me, and finding that rope of positivity to grab onto was a lot harder when I'd already given so much mental energy, but…
We hadn't come all this way for me to give up.
I just had to keep reminding myself of that. I had to remember I wasn't alone anymore.
Beyond these worries that had already plagued me (albeit cranked up to a hundred now), I had a different problem. One I had seen coming from a million miles away and still ran headlong into like a buffoon.
The thought of losing Thorin now… It scared me. So much.
It would hurt on a whole new level and not just in the sense of failing the quest. The fear I felt when he was tackled by Jean went far beyond just a fear for the timeline being interrupted, or of a story being altered. It was the terror of losing Thorin's comfort and stalwart bravery, of never again seeing those oceanic eyes that crinkled in the corners when he looked at me. I was attached, well and truly, whether I wanted to be or not.
Did I love him? No, I didn't think so. At least… not yet. But this fondness was hedging on something decidedly more powerful than a crush. Fiction had stopped being fiction a long time ago, and Thorin was now part of my was a growing detachment from the story I was familiar with, no matter how many recognizable phenomena happened. I couldn't even pretend to ignore the way these affections were taking root, growing stronger.
And I wasn't so sure I was the only one feeling them anymore.
I must have fried some brain cells when I broke down earlier, because there was no way, in five billion years, now or ever, that Thorin Oakenshield could want… me. In the same way I wanted him. Even if he was hopefully viewing me as a friend now, there were just some things too fantastical to expect, even in Middle Earth.
The ghost of his lingering touches, after borderline cradling me while I sobbed, whispered otherwise.
I shook the idea from my head before I got lost in the fantasy. Comforting me after a reawakening of trauma was so not grounds to consider something like that a possibility. The only thing more idiotic than falling in love with Thorin in general would be to fall for him and get my hopes up by believing my affections had a chance of being returned.
That was, assuming he came back from his goddamn self-appointed cleanup task at all. I mean, I appreciated those three staying to dispose of the nut job that tried to murder me like twice now, but I'd have been lying out my ass if I said I wasn't worried.
We'd made it across the dip in the valley by lunchtime, though there was still some ways to go before the ridge, and my nerves were shot when the trio still hadn't caught up. How long did it take to bury a guy? Was this an average amount of time? I tried to justify their lateness as we finished eating, thinking maybe covering their tracks was more difficult than expected. Maybe there was too much blood from the stab wound and they had to mess up the dirt more, make it less obvious, cover it with leaves. It could be any number of things! I'd watched enough NCIS to know that if police dogs could find bodies after they'd been buried, then Wargs definitely could too. Twice the snoot, twice the sniff.
God, I hoped they knew what they were doing out there…
"Jenna, we've got to get a move on," Fili said, noticing I'd zoned out and everyone had already started walking again.
I blinked to awareness, also realizing I had just been staring back the way we'd come. Standing from my seat on the ground, I dusted off my pants. Not knowing was torture and I realized just how dependent I'd become on the reassuring storyline I already knew.
Fili came up beside me, looking back as well. His gaze seemed to reach far beyond just the hills though as he said, "I can't help but worry too, you know, but at the same time, I know Thorin."
I glanced over to the blonde prince, waiting.
"Have a little faith in him, would you?" he said with a smile, bapping my arm lightly with the back of his hand and turning to follow the others. His mustache beads flopped with his head shake as he added, "He wouldn't want you moping and worrying over him. The line of Durin is a force to be reckoned with, you should know that by now!"
Of course, I knew he had a point. I still sighed, continuing onwards while signing, 'You are right. I am sorry.'
There was a contemplative humming noise from Fili before he opened his mouth to respond, but he was interrupted by his brother joining us at the back of the group.
"There you both are," Kili said, glancing down at my hands, obviously having seen my Iglishmek. "What's my brother right about? That doesn't happen very often."
Fili gave him a push, but the brunette just laughed it off. "She's worried about the others, and I told her there's no need."
"Ah, well. Just this once I'll say Fee is right," Kili agreed.
It was hard to put faith in something other than my preordained knowledge, but that was part of trusting my friends as people and no longer just characters, I supposed. I had to believe in the Thorin Oakenshield I knew, the Dwalin that was teaching me almost daily, the Gloín who bragged on his family to us every chance he got with the most flowery sappy words and yet couldn't quickly communicate to his fellows why there was a body he needed to bury.
They had all shown me time and time again that they could rise to the occasion, even if it diverged from their original storyline. They had done so to save my life, more than once now.
I had to trust them.
Soon enough, we made it to the area just below the ridge that had been pointed out, settling beside a narrow rock wall at its base to wait. We made sure there was a decent exit route close by though, just in case something unsavory tried to corner us.
It wasn't quite sundown but it was certainly on its way. I took a peek backwards, but several others did as well this time, as if that would summon our companions. Though I couldn't tell exactly where it was on the distant range of hills that we'd departed from, I recognized the general area, and honestly, I would be okay with never seeing that stream ever again, no matter what tiny luxury it granted. Could've been a turbo jet jacuzzi and I still wouldn't have cared.
Our three missing members arrived just as Bombur got his cooking pot set up. We had just started to worry that they'd be out there in the dark, as the sun fell further, when there was a rustling in the thin forest. The trees were sparser here, but it was still hard to make out their figures in the shadowed brush until they were closer, pushing a few branches out of the way as they stepped through. The tension I'd wracked up throughout the day fled my body as soon as I saw all of their beautiful bearded faces, and I was half afraid I'd melt to the ground like pudding.
A couple of hollers and greetings were whooped, as well as Balin joking, "You'd think the three of ye were my age, as long as it took you."
Everyone was relieved and some chuckles sounded off at the jest. The trio looked a bit weary, probably from missing out on lunch, but ultimately, no worse off than when we left them. Well, except for –
"Apologies. There was an accident with the shovel," Thorin explained tiredly, looking over to Gloín and Dwalin, before making his way past the threshold of trees.
The former was sporting a goose egg on his forehead, already trying to hash out a defense, "If I'd thought ye were incapable of diggin' like normal folk, I'd have worn a helmet."
Dwalin was rolling his eyes as he marched further into camp, saying, "Ach, ain't no helmet that'll save ye from stupidity. Didn't announce ye were movin' around all willy nilly, now did you?"
"It weren't all willy nilly! I had to get that stone outta the way or you'd have broken the damn shovel!"
Their bickering was welcome though, because it meant they were back. I'm sure the sentiment was visible all over my face as Thorin looked my way, some measure of relief coming through on his end too, unless I was misreading the way his shoulders relaxed just the tiniest bit.
Thorin greeted his nephews briefly before heading over to where I was planted. The evening habit must have wormed its way into his routine as well, I realized, as he took the seat next to me against a boulder to lean on. I'd have been lying if I said I didn't pick the spot based on his preferences, but that's on the down-low.
As Bombur was bustling about with Bofur's help, I'd noticed Oín getting up as well, grumbling something as he dug through his medicine bag. He pulled a familiar small tin of salve out and meandered towards the two of us.
"Here, slap some of this on the lad's face, if you don't mind," Oín said as he tossed the container to me, and walked on. "I've got to go make sure Gloín didn't get himself concussed."
I stared down at the tin and then turned back to Thorin, the scratches on his cheek looking a little enflamed. If Jean had such an insane infection going while wrestling Thorin down a hill, I definitely didn't want any of that bacteria to have migrated by accident.
"That's not necessary," Thorin tried to tell me, brows creasing a bit.
However, I wasn't having any of that, already shifting onto my knees for better reach and giving him a disapproving frown at his protest. I pulled the lid off and got a nice little globule on the tips of my fingers before setting it to the side.
Thorin was hesitant for some reason, finally giving in with a sigh and tilting his face my way, though he refused to meet my eyes and looked off to the trees. "These hardly warrant care," he continued offhandedly.
Using a light touch to his chin with my free hand to get a better angle, I began carefully smearing the salve along his right cheekbone. The scrapes were deeper than they first appeared, though it looked like he at least washed them off before continuing on to catch up with us. I wasn't sure if they came from rocks, or twigs, or Jean himself, but they could certainly still get infected.
If I wasn't so close to his face, I wouldn't have caught the slight twitch of Thorin's eye once the ointment started to sting and do its job, nor would I have heard the slight shift in his breathing. My earlier frown melted away with ease as I concentrated, unaware of whatever my own expression was doing.
I don't know when, but at some point during my ministrations, Thorin's gaze had shifted, whether he meant it to or not. I'd finally finished covering the scratches thoroughly and paused to admire my handiwork, only then noticing that his eyes were no longer on the trees. I met his stare for a long second just as he met mine, one of my hands still pressed lightly on his beard, the other hovering off to the side covered in some remaining salve. I think my breath caught in my throat. I swallowed.
All at once, Thorin broke the stare with a quick inhale and pulled his chin from my hand, giving a few blinks to the ground in front of us as he said, "Thank you. That's… enough, I'm sure."
I nodded quickly, probably a few too many times in my flustered state, and sat back on my heels to add distance as I placed the lid back on the medicine. Nowhere felt like a safe place for my eyes to land at the moment, flicking them up cautiously to locate Oin or see how dinner was going or something, literally anything other than focusing on the man beside me for a second. Just to get my heart rate down. Get that insane blush off my cheeks. I'm sure I looked like a stoplight.
Everybody was either laying out their bedrolls for after we ate or speaking amongst themselves quietly. Aside from Gloín, who complained loudly as Oín pried his eyelids open to check for dilation, and made attempts to swat the hands away with the insistence that he was fine.
I heard rustling from Thorin so I took a curious peek over as he brought forth something from a pocket in his coat. A familiar little square of lavender scented soap was handed over, and I gave an owlish few blinks as I took it, shocked that I'd even forgotten it in the first place. At the same time though, I'd had other things on the mind that morning.
"It wouldn't do to leave such an obvious trace behind," Thorin heeded, but there was an underlying note to the comment, like practicality wasn't the only reason he'd brought it back to me.
A smile played at the corners of my mouth as I turned to stow it away in my bag. Once facing him again, I said, 'Thank you.' He gave a single small nod, thinking nothing of it as his gaze moved elsewhere. My relaxed expression waned a little more solemn as I leaned to catch his eyes again, to signal I wasn't finished, and I elaborated, 'For everything. You saved my life again.'
However, Thorin was less impressed by the day's events, saying lowly, "He should not have slipped by me to begin with."
A small crease made it's way to my brow as I responded, 'We could not have known he was still alive.'
"Perhaps not. Even still, being caught unawares almost cost us. Had he not been ill and out of his mind, I fear the encounter could have gone much differently," he said. I couldn't tell where his thoughts were at as he stared towards the campfire. "This journey has already doubled in perils without additional negligence."
'I do not blame you,' I was quick to retaliate. 'Jean was a sneaky rat.'
Thorin gave a short huff, just shy of amused at my description. It took him a moment before he replied, eventually agreeing, "Indeed he was. Let us pray we encounter no more surprises of this ilk."
As soon as the words left his mouth, there was a slithering thought in the back of my mind that caused my stomach to turn. I felt nauseous. The wave of cold dread was a reminder of things yet to come, and an enemy that had hurt Thorin so much, that would dredge up trauma and pain that he'd thought was behind him, that he thought he'd defeated. Someone that would threaten everything he cared about, and ultimately – unless I could change things – would take Thorin's life, and the lives of his nephews.
Azog.
"Dinner's up!" Bofur called.
My palms were sweating.
Pull it together, Jenna, I pleaded internally. You knew this. You've known Azog was out there, that you were keeping it from Thorin. Why is it different now that you've gotten a taste of what that fear is like?
If I didn't get away from Thorin for a second to collect myself I was going to lose it and the cat would be free from the bag, chucked out with the force of a canonball.
I barely had the wherewithal to throw Thorin a 'one moment' gesture that he seemed mildly confused about before I snatched up Oín's tin of salve, bringing it back over to the healer, glad for the excuse to get up for minute. Gloín had already vacated the area to go get some grub, leaving his brother with mostly grumbles about his head being fine.
Oín looked up as I approached. "Thank you for the help, lass," he said as the medicine was returned.
I gave a nod, signing, 'Of course. He needed it.'
Oín reciprocated the nod with one of his own, seeming a little humored as he said, "Oh, aye, figured as much. Didn't think he'd let me bother with it though, so best to send you after him."
What did that even mean? The insinuation didn't fly completely over me, it just seemed highly unlikely that Thorin liked me that much. Any delusions of romance had to remain under lock and key by my insecurity, though, so… Maybe Oín just meant Thorin would have a harder time finding it in himself to swat away a woman trying to treat him rather than the old medic.
I could only offer an awkward half smile and some questioning eyebrows, obviously confused.
"Don't worry your head over it," Oín just said, giving me a pat on the shoulder and guiding me off towards dinner. "Now go on, get some food in you. Ye're lookin' a wee pale."
Uh-huh. Okay, anyway. Back to to the moral panic.
If I was less talkative (ha fricking ha, I had to get new material) than usual that evening, nobody really questioned it. The day had left me exhausted in every way, and my friends all understood that, respecting my need for a bit of peace after the chaos. Of course, my nightmares would probably intensify again after Jean's reappearance, and that sucked major ass, but having seen him dead with my own eyes this time was… a little more reassuring. Especially knowing he was buried this go around. Short of a zombie invasion and him popping out of the ground like a daisy, I wouldn't see that slime ball anymore.
One thing kept barreling to the forefront of my mind though, above all else.
There was no way I could keep the truth of Azog from Thorin now. It was hard enough before, even without my new inner turmoil and guilt raging at me with the force of 65 oliphants. But with it? Knowing even a fraction of that terror for myself, when he had lived through so much worse? Had seen his grandfather beheaded by that Orc?
I couldn't do it.
I couldn't let him go into this completely blind. The thought made my heart hurt.
I had to go about this cautiously though, as Thorin was already simultaneously wary and skeptical of the knowledge I was keeping from him. He knew there was more to my own mission, but my secrets had already caused a rift once, that I was barely able to mend by being as open and honest as I could, and even then, his belief of my story wasn't exactly solid. The crux of the problem was that I also had to limit my meddling until we crossed the Misty Mountains.
How would it effect the story if I told him, I wondered? Maybe not at all. Maybe entirely. Maybe it'd send all of Arda careening towards their apocalypse. So long as Bilbo fell into those Goblin tunnels and retrieved the One Ring, Middle Earth as a whole would be fine. Right? Surely to God, telling Thorin about Azog wouldn't interfere with that?
It was a risk I was willing to take, if only for the sake of not hurting Thorin. And maybe, selfishly, in the hopes that he would still speak to me after we crossed the mountains.
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-
I spent the entire following day trying to figure out how I would tell him. What words I could possibly use to soften the blow, even if I knew there were none. Once again, no one thought my distant behavior as odd while we left the ridge behind and migrated onwards. It was true that Jean's return had scared me horrendously, and I'd been correct in my guess as to how it would affect my sleep, reigniting that spark of nightmare fuel. Somehow dealing with that was easy in comparison to the task that lay before me.
Jean wouldn't be coming back. Azog would.
Eventually, I realized there was no amount of mental reciting that would prepare me for this, and that if I was going to do it, I had to do it tonight. Rip it off like a bandaid. Maybe this way at least – if I was lucky – there would be time for Thorin to cool down before we reached the Goblins, maybe give me some leeway on that front. And also not give me time to chicken out.
The terrain around us was growing rockier and rockier every couple of miles. Thankfully the tree growth remained fairly the same, even if we ran across sparser areas throughout the day, so we weren't forced to camp out in the open just yet. We found a little clearing to settle in and I bit the bullet.
Dwalin offered to pick training back up since we'd skipped yesterday due to his late arrival, but I had to turn him down for the moment, letting him know it was important that I talk to Thorin first. I could tell he wanted to inquire about that, being one of the ones who definitely noticed a change in the dynamic between me and their leader after Rivendell, though blessedly, he didn't pry. I left him with a nod and an apology, and picked my way across camp.
Thorin and Balin were seated and conversing when I approached, though it didn't look to be too serious of a topic. They were decently relaxed so I didn't feel as bad for the slight interruption, giving a bob of my head to signify a hello to Balin briefly before turning to the other.
Bracing for what followed, I signed anxiously, 'I must speak to you.'
It took a moment for my demeanor to really soak in, I think. The look on my face must have been a familiar one, reminiscent of the first few times I'd divulged important information, because Thorin then wasted no time getting to his feet. He excused himself, the both of us stepping out of the clearing and leaving Balin to steep in curiosity. I'm sure there were others who noticed us step past the tree line too, just beyond a few shrubs to get out of earshot, but I couldn't worry about that right now.
Once on the other side, there was less foliage and it allowed more moonlight to fall down on us where the campfire could not reach. I glanced back to our group through the trees, trying to gauge if this was far enough away. Whatever reaction Thorin had to this…
"What is wrong?" he questioned, sensing my unease. His arms were crossed, but it was a motion I recognized was born of habit and not irritation this time.
Taking a calming breath, I pried my eyes away from our campsite, though I couldn't make myself look at Thorin yet. I raised my hands, several false starts coming from the motion, before I finally began.
'I have wanted to tell you this, but was afraid of changing too much,' I said, swallowing hard against my anxiety. 'There are many things I want to tell you and cannot yet. But this… I cannot keep it from you. Of all, you deserve to know most.'
A cautionary glance up at his face showed tension, the moonlight casting sharp shadows that would have looked intimidating to any other person. After becoming more familiar with him though, I knew he was merely waiting, anticipating what news would be dropped this time.
'There is no good way to tell you. I have tried to think of how…'
"Jenna," Thorin interjected softly, taking a few steps closer as my hands paused. We were maybe an arm's length apart when he said reassuringly, "Whatever it is, we will handle it. Tell me."
I bit my lip, anxiety reaching critical mass.
'Azog is still alive.'
Stillness. Utter silence.
Once the words were formed, Thorin froze, not even breathing. His expression became carefully controlled as he took half a step back. Whatever he had been expecting me to say, it wasn't that.
My hands balled together as I twisted my fingers uncertainly.
Finally, as he struggled to maintin the mask of calm, he exhaled. Thorin's response was a simple, quick shake of his head and a breathy, "No." It wasn't a question.
I could feel my own resolve crumbling in the wake of his denial, my face scrunching into something pitiful, I'm sure. I tried to sign again, to say, 'I'm sorry' like that would be of some use, but he'd already turned away from me to pace and continued.
"No – that filth is dead," Thorin ground out, as if the mere mention tasted like poison. Turning again, he took a few steps back towards me, hands falling from their position at his chest. "Azog was slain in battle, on the very ground he murdered my grandfather."
The kindness and patience he'd shown me thus far were invaluable, even while my answers were confusing and hard to believe – but Thorin was nothing if not stubborn, especially in regard to something as close to home as this. The idea of Azog being alive wasn't something he wanted to acknowledge or even entertain the idea of right now, even to himself.
He turned sharply away, making towards camp as his voice went stern again, "I will not hear any of your tales on this. He has been long finished – "
I darted in front of him to block his path, causing Thorin to halt in surprise at such a move from my timid self. Perhaps it was too bold of me, I realized, but it was too late as I started signing insistently, 'I am trying to warn you!'
"And warn me you have," he threw out. "There are some things your book cannot possibly know. We are done here."
Our arms brushed as he continued past me, leaving me standing there, stunned. For half a second, that's all I felt – stunned.
And then, for the first time since knowing him, I grew truly irate with Thorin. Angry tears pricked the corners of my eyes as I tried to take a few deep breaths to calm myself, my hands still hovering before me with my frustration. My fingers curled like I could strangle the air itself. He wanted me to be honest with him and now he just wouldn't believe me? What the fuck? I'd known he was stubborn, and Azog was a sore spot the size of Texas for him, but what the fuck?
Giving my eyes a cursory wipe to make the tears disappear, I whirled and stormed back to camp as well. Somewhere in the back of mind, the group registered as oddly quiet when I returned, but I couldn't be bothered to worry over what everyone thought we had talked about. It was plain as day that both of us had come back in a foul mood. As far as the Company knew though, what on Earth could we have possibly had an argument about?
Off to the side, Dori made an awkward attempt to pick back up a conversation that had obviously halted when we'd rejoined. "Well… as I was saying, this – this seamstress wasn't exactly the most knowledgeable. Didn't even bother with the pins," he said half-heartedly.
"Of course. Very amateur mistake," Bilbo encouraged politely, pretending not to shoot glances like everybody else was doing.
I very pointedly refused to make eye contact with Thorin as he returned to his spot next to Balin, sitting heavily with the weight of his irritation. The old Dwarf looked as confused as everyone else, asking Thorin something too quiet for me to hear as activity around us picked up again. It was safe to assume he asked what our conversation had been about, though it was to no avail as Thorin gave a curt, short answer that barred anymore questions. Bewildered, Balin moved his gaze my way looking for clues as to what transpired.
My face was a mixture of God only knows what. Aggravated and a bit embarassed by the way my warning was so easily discarded, my scowl was likely a poignant one. I ignored Balin's questioning stare as well, stepping over to his brother since we had some time to kill before dinner.
'Talk did not take as long as I thought. We train?'
Dwalin raised a brow, glancing over to Thorin, then back to me.
I narrowed my eyes, daring him to say anything.
"Aye, alright, no need for that look," he grumbled, letting it drop for the time being. If he was truly curious, I was sure he could ask his King later or something.
Having an outlet for my emotions was a relief, though I think Dwalin underestimated just how pissed off I was. He landed on his ass not once, but twice, and while it was clear I needed this for therapeutic reasons, Dwalin just seemed to get a kick out of the new level of challenge. He cranked it up a notch in return, which was about when I got the harsh reminder that I was still leagues behind this guy in terms of skill.
My legs were swept out from under me in a very precise move despite all his bulk and I landed on my back with a thud, the air knocked out of me. I paused, waiting for my lungs to recover so I could gasp in some oxygen with all the grace of a guppy.
"Sorry 'bout that, lass," Dwalin apologized with a hint of smugness, crouching next to me to make sure I hadn't actually sustained brain damage. "Ye were holdin' yer own there for a bit. Couldn't have that, now could we?"
Some of the steam behind my rage train had died off by that point. I'd gotten the majority out of my system, but I still gave him a small glare from my place on the ground and flipped him off, causing him to guffaw as he pulled me to my feet.
I couldn't bring myself to sit next to Thorin for dinner that night. I did, however, eventually make eye contact before sleep. Having cooled down some myself, I realized I should have known that not everything would be smooth sailing with him. It was impossible to not check up on him at least once, no matter the quarrel, and he noticed the attention easily, like he'd been waiting for it. While I couldn't hide the conflicting concern on my face, I think it was for the best that he saw how this whole thing was affecting me. My own open expression led his scowl to soften the tiniest bit, and he turned away uncertainly.
Yes, I'd gained some of Thorin's trust, and yes, we were on good – great even? – terms with each other, but this… I wasn't sure I could convince him. The thought ate at me. I couldn't let him go on believing his nightmare was dead and buried, like I thought mine had been.
Still, allowing him some space would be the best thing I could do for the moment.
Thorin's cold attitude continued on into the next day, wherein he was snappier than usual and had us back on the road as quick as possible, with minimal glances my way if he could manage it. The looks he did cast me were rare, mostly consisting of scowls and glowering and the like, with the odd hint of regret sprinkled in just to confuse me. I wasn't even sure if he knew I could read that on him or not.
It felt as though he was pushing us faster too, winding up further and further ahead of the Company, which earned us glares when he had to stop and wait. I had to remind myself several times that it would be a bad idea to flip Thorin off if I was going to try talking to him again.
Lord, even Fili and Kili seemed hesitant to butt in and ask what had happened. I mostly attributed it to their recent oath of not grilling me anymore, because from their angle, this must have appeared to be tangentially related to whatever I'd told Thorin in Rivendell. They were keeping good on their promise so far, and I guess they didn't want to risk that streak.
My desire to retain my good standing with Thorin for the sake of this quest was strong, but more than that, I could tell he was upset on a different level. Thorin was on edge, and he was trying his damnest not to show I had any impact on his surety of Azog's fate. Somehow, knowing that he put stock in my words and was just scared to believe me, was worse than if he just didn't believe any of my crazy nonsense at all.
It was doubly worse on top of that, because I still wanted to comfort the bastard, even while he barked at us to keep up!
Don't flip him off, Jenna. Don't do it, I told myself for the hundredth time within five minutes.
"Now, you don't have to answer this if ye don't want to," Balin started, coming up beside me. We had to drop the Iglishmek practice for the day so we could get our Oakenshield-approved cardio in. "I know Thorin didn't seem too keen on tellin' me one way or another, but… mightn't I ask what it was the two of you spoke about last night?"
I should've known the question would reach me eventually. I'd heard the group muttering speculations back and forth all morning, though they all shut up any time I got near enough to actually hear what their guesses were.
Looking over to acknowledge his question, I thought about it for a moment. Even the most dense of our bunch knew I had more I wasn't telling the rest of them, so naturally it wouldn't be spoiler territory to admit I told Thorin something important.
As vaguely as I could, I said, 'I told him my secrets, but now he only believes the parts which are easy to accept.'
Balin looked perplexed by my wildly cryptic statement. And who could blame him? He then asked the follow-up question, "Well, what in Durin's name did you tell him, lass?"
"We have to get a move on! Daylight is fading fast," Thorin called from ahead of us, briefly turning our way as he did so.
I gave him a very unimpressed look, and he turned back around to continue walking.
Yeah okay, fuck it.
'Azog is alive,' I signed to Balin.
While his reaction was not as dramatic as Thorin's had been, I worried about my decision the second his eyebrows shot up and his steps stuttered. I glanced at the others behind us giving curious looks at Balin's little shuffle, and almost began fretting that this would soon involve the whole Company, before the old goose just came up with something on the fly to throw them off our scent.
"It's alright, just a wee catch of this old hip!" he said to those closest behind us with a casual wave of his hand.
When we were sure nobody would question it further, Balin seemed to consider my response again. His lips drew into a tight line as he looked over to me, scouring my face for something, before he asked seriously, "And how sure of this are you?"
It was his turn to catch my very unimpressed glare. My expression made it crystal clear that I would not have bothered with such absurdity if I wasn't a million percent positive.
Balin took this for what it was, giving another nod, if a bit hesitant this time. He looked ahead of us to Thorin, and heaved a sigh, saying, "Aye, that explains a few things."
No kidding. It was my turn to sigh, losing steam again. Feeling desperate and noticing how different his reaction was, I stared at him pleadingly and signed, 'You do not seem as surprised as I expected. You believe me then?'
"This old warrior's seen a thing or two. I've known Dwarrow to survive wilder than losin' an arm – Bifur's got an axe in his skull, for Mahal's sake," Balin consoled almost teasingly, while still slightly dodging a straight answer. He turned more grim again as he said, "I don't know how ye know, but if you saw reason to risk telling Thorin, then it must be a good one."
'I just want to help him,' I said, feeling more than a little lost.
Balin studied me for a long second, before he responded, "Lass, I think you're already doin' that, whether ye're aware of it or not."
I stared at him skeptically. What did that even mean? If I was actually helping Thorin, wouldn't he have, I dunno – believed me? Or ended our conversation on a better note last night?
The talk with Balin tapered off on that confusing note, leaving me to stew on the words that were just tossed my way.
Somewhere in the back of my head was a reminder that Thorin Oakenshield was a Dwarf with many responsibilities and burdens, on top of intense PTSD and almost zero healthy coping mechanisms. Falling for this guy was never going to just be the moments of chivalry and the gentle, calloused hands on mine. I knew that, and yet the fact did nothing to deter that little sprout in my heart from growing more leaves every day. For better or worse.
:)
Oooh, we've got some meddling from Jenna. This should be interesting˜
A bit shorter than the previous chapter, but that last one was one of the longest to date so eh. I thought about combining this chp and the next into one, but I realized A) it would have been wayyyy too long, and B) I still needed the time to work on the next couple chapters anyway. Chapter 30 should be up in about two weeks though probably, give or take.
And I KNOW y'all are going bonkers waiting for the goblins (LIKE BRO, ME TOO LOL) but we'll get there very soon! I just gotta lay the groundwork for some nonsense first. ;)
I LOVE LOVE LOVE hearing all your thoughts on this story, so please blabber to your heart's content! What you did or didn't like, or any favorite bits! Reviews are beloved things and they really do keep the fic economy going tbh. (I gotta say there's something super awesome about being able to recognize usernames, even after all this time, just because y'all have been here so long and give me such amazing and reliable feedback. So, thank you again.) And it's wild that we're still getting new readers too?! Like hello? Welcome?! I'm baffled but thrilled!
Ahh, anyway. Until next time!