Hello you beautiful humans!
I almost couldn't believe how long it's been since I last updated. It's absolutely ridiculous especially seeing as drafts of this chapter have been sitting around for a while.
I recently see people seem to be talking about a SanSan and hibernation, which I think happens to all fandom's, especially after certain aspects of them are over. I hope some of you lovelies are still around like I am. even quiet in the background and this update will come as a nice surprise. Even though you'll probably have to reread as I did my own story to remember what the heck is going on lol
I'm going to be uploading two chapters quickly. As I warned previously, it's going to be a little bumpy for a chapter or two. I'm not usually the angst/misunderstanding type but I don't think I can completely have these guys OOC they have to have a little bit of issues to work out right? Lol, listen It'll all work out, just stick with me.
Can't wait to hear from you, I've missed you!
Thank fuck we are swamped at work. It's to the point that we're ready to put an ad out for another trainer in the gym and now are seriously contemplating looking for another support person on our floor. Even Tormund has been complaining about being tired and I didn't think he ever ran out of energy.
Not only is it a blessing to have a successful business and income but even more so to be able to hire staff and give good people jobs and opportunities.
We even have a training program, as does Tormund, so we can help the younger generation and those individuals that just didn't find university degrees their strong suit or maybe can't handle being behind a desk Monday to Friday 9 to 5.
I'm feeling especially lucky this week because it's left hardly any time for me to feel stressed or nervous about tomorrow's appointment and it's been easier to miss Sansa as well.
We message and call as if we didn't just see each other two days ago and like we don't have plans for the entire weekend. We're simply happiest in one another's company. And I am not fucking complaining about that.
Osha and Bronn know why I am leaving early today, they're both aware, involved and supportive of my therapy sessions. Bronn still goes as well even though he's happier in a group setting and even mentors at a Big Brothers and Sisters Club.
Luwin always clears his schedule for me and he either gives me his entire morning or his last appointment so there's no rush. Sometimes I have to fight the man just to pay for the extra time, and I know that this session is going to be a ride.
Even though I try my best to be on time I'm still early and busy myself in the waiting room with trying to slow my heart rate, calm my sweating palms and stop my bouncing knee. When the patient before me and the receptionist are gone Luwin comes to get me, holding my hands in both of his before pulling me in for a quick embrace.
"I've missed you Sandor, I'm so glad you're back." He tilts his head, studying me. "You look well, very well. It doesn't look like you'll be here too often if my senses are still right." He continues to watch me, while my hands remain in his. "Actually, you look more than well, you look different. I can't tell what it is though…"
My heat races a bit, I haven't realized till now how much Sansa has helped me grow. I won't say she changed me. This part of me has always been within me but I was too broken and cold to let it out.
"Maybe I gained some weight." I joke, we both laugh knowing that will probably never happen with the way I work out. Somehow I've been squeezing it in even being glued to Sansa's side most days and nights.
"Well, come on in and sit down, get comfortable and update me on life. Simply start when you're ready and we'll see where the conversation takes us." Luwin tells me in his soft calming voice, closing the door behind us.
I take a few moments and deep breaths to settle myself, wipe my hands along my legs and then I feel ready.
I'm surprised when the first thing out of my mouth isn't Sansa's name.
I instead just update the good doctor on what life has been like since we last spoke. It's pretty much exactly the same as every other visit. Working, some downtime with my friends, working out and brooding. I haven't had nightmares for quite some time and I don't tell him why I believe that is but I do express how relieved I am at getting more sleep.
I thought I was one of those weird people that only needed four hours of sleep to handle a full day but ever since Sansa has been sleeping next to me I find myself being more relaxed and getting a healthier eight hours quite regularly.
Luwin always records our sessions as Dr. Mormont had previously. I don't want anything missed and my fear of becoming like my brother has me ensuring that there's a definitive trail that can be traced as to when I lost it.
Even though the dictaphone has been running the whole time, he is still writing down notes as he usually does. Luwin doesn't say much but he always nods and maintains as much eye contact as possible to let me know that he is listening to me me, not just that he can hear me.
There really isn't much to report that I don't tell him every time I'm sitting here (besides the elephant in the room) and when I'm done talking about things in my life that once seemed all consuming and important, now they just feel simple. Especially compared to the bomb I'm about to drop.
I take a sip of the water he always gives me and then I go for it. "But I called you for an appointment because of a specific reason."
He gives me a knowing smile. "I thought so. I didn't want to push you as to why you called but I'm glad you're ready?" He ends with a question still not pressuring me. If it took 40 sessions to get to the catalyst behind my phone call he wouldn't mind.
"I've met someone." I tell him, nodding, going straight to the point. I let the admission hang in the air between us and wait for him to react.
One of the main reasons I appreciate therapy with Dr. Luwin is that he acts as a friend not just a therapist. He'll give you human reactions. Nothing alarming and I'm sure that he tapers his emotions with each individual patient but he knows that the pause of his pen and the widening of his eyes gives me comfort. I don't like feeling as if I'm talking to a robot.
"And I suppose when you say you've met someone," he treads lightly, "you mean in a romantic sense?"
I nod again, never looking away from his face.
His eyes and his smile light up a bit more than usual. "Well I think that's wonderful news. Are you happy?"
"I am." I answer immediately. "The happiest I've ever bloody been. And I'm petrified." I admit, trying and failing to stop my voice from breaking.
Luwin looks at me with warmth and understanding. "That's understandable. Most people are scared of too much happiness but especially those who have suffered, those who've lost. Such as yourself."
"But I'm scared for more than that." I start getting to my real fear. "Obviously I'm still just waiting for the other fucking shoe to drop, for me to turn into Gregor. And what if this isn't good for us or for me? What if my past doesn't let the relationship keep going?"
The old man turns serious but I can hear he feels for me, doesn't want me to suffer like this. "Sandor, as you know I have not one belief or concern, nor does your previous therapist, that you have any of the demons that your brother did." He tells me with conviction.
"Now, this is your first relationship, yes?"
"Yes." I confirm and he continues.
"Well, any other human in their first relationship would have anxieties too. And yours are just going to be tripled. That does not mean it won't work out. And if it doesn't, that also doesn't mean it's your fault or your history's fault. Sometimes relationships end."
His words are bittersweet. Obviously I know that more than just my hellish life can tear Sansa and I apart. She could not care for me as much as she thought or we could just drift apart. But it's like a knife in my gut even thinking that. Isn't it enough having my history and hers against us, let alone regular relationship speed bumps?
I don't know what to say, I don't really have anything to fucking say so I just sit and mull over his words until Luwin pipes up again.
"Is there a specific reason, besides your past, that you think the relationship could suffer with this, person?" He doesn't use a pronoun because we've never touched on my sexuality. Before Sansa why would we have to?
I clear my throat feeling slightly embarrassed. "She," and I make sure to emphasize the word, "and I have been getting along better than I ever have with another human, besides with Bronn or Ray." I drag my hands down my face. "The real problem is, I think I'm falling in love, probably already fallen, and I just want to know if what we have is good for us." Good for her is what I want to say but I know the tirade he would go on if I wasn't thinking of myself.
The man looks as though I've told him I found a cure for world peace. "Sandor, I'm so happy for you. It's not my place to tell you if your relationship itself is healthy or not but I can tell you if I think it's perhaps not helping your growth and the way you handle your emotions and your past trauma. Why don't you tell me a bit about her, how you met and what's been going on." He prods gently.
And I do. Besides detailing our sex life -I mention this isn't a friendship and confirm our chemistry so the man doesn't think I'm being friend zoned and am simply unaware- and of what she has suffered through.
I tell Dr. Luwin and every single thing about Sansa. I support that she has her own traumas and that she's also in therapy and I admit to him that she's been nothing but brutally and openly honest with me. But it is not my place to tell the darkness of her past in detail.
"And have you been the same with her?" He asks with no judgement.
I start feeling like a piece of shit right then. "No I haven't. Not yet. She knows all about my life in the North after what happened and she knows that this," I point to the right side of my face, "was done to me and I have no family. But the exact details and the fact that I have seen Dr. Mormont in the past and now you…I haven't told her that yet." I finish and hang my head.
"Do you know why not? Do you trust her?" He asks evenly.
"Of course I fucking trust her." I try not to curse much in front of the man and I send him a meek smile in apology before continuing.
"And I honestly have no idea why I haven't told her. I know she won't judge me or treat me differently or look at me as if I'm not the man she knows so far. She hasn't pushed me or made me feel bad for the fact that I know so much about her but still keep details to myself about my own life." Sighing I take a moment to collect my thoughts and Luwin, my angel of a shrink, sits there calmly and patiently.
When's it's clear I'm too lost in thought he quietly speaks up. "Perhaps it's the fact that this is the most important time you'll share this part of you. It doesn't seem like anyone's ever meant as much to you as Sansa." Hearing her name warms me back up immediately.
Everything I say and that he doesn't in return is running through my head at top speed. I'm trying to make sure I understand him and that I'm being transparent with at least one person in my bloody life right now.
"I'm in so deep here I'm surprised my brain isn't rattling around with my thoughts of this. It scares me how much I care for her." I can't even try to hide the crack in my voice. I have to close my eyes in hopes that the tears don't roll down my face.
Luwin gives me a moment before speaking again. "Sandor, look at me, when you're ready." He waits until I do. His warm and gentle face helps to calm my racing heart.
"You are a good man. One of the best I've ever met." I scoff and he ignores me pointedly. "The effort you put into our sessions, the effort you've put in since you were a child, the hurdles that you've overcome are truly astounding." My throat itches with emotion.
"I feel lucky to have met you and all I want to do is support you. You have grown so much, from the first notes in your file to the man sitting in front of me now, it's incredible. And you need to give yourself credit for that." He sounds almost fierce for the first time in our years together.
He pins me with a glare now. "And you also need to stop doubting yourself. This young lady is as lucky to have you as you are to have her." He holds up a hand when I go to interrupt him.
"It's the truth and I will not budge on it." Once he knows that I've bit my tongue and will let him finish he keeps going.
"I know what the change I saw in you the minute I walked into the waiting room is, you're happy and you're in love. Truly. Obviously I can only see a portion of your feelings and know only about the parts of your relationship that you've told me, I'm not there for every interaction but I've seen a lot over the years."
He smiles, a little sadly. "And there's been red flags that were painfully obvious and others that were tough for even me to notice. Nothing that you've shared is even in the same realm as those situations." Luwin stares at me for a long moment.
I let one tear fall before roughly wiping my eyes and cheeks. "It's all I've ever wanted." I whisper.
The old man looks as though he's fighting the waterworks too. "I know my friend, I know. And you are capable of having a healthy relationship and making it last. You deserve to and can live your life with a family of your own."
Luwin has told me this more times than I can count over our sessions together. I used to barely register his words, easily brush them off. Thirty years old, grumpy, scarred -emotionally and physically- and never had a girlfriend? Easy to ignore a kind man's opinion in that situation.
But now? Now I have someone in my life. A good person, the best really. We could have a future and I need to really look at what Luwin has said to me, can I believe him, work through the fact that I am not my brother? I think and hope like hells that I can.
I stare at him for a few moments and then nod, not knowing what to say yet. "I want to see you more regularly again."
Luwin smiles at me. "That sounds good. You do not need to come too often, I am always here even without a set appointment. You are in no need of the support required when you first moved to the city." I agree with him, I am a different person now.
"I was actually going to reach out to you this week if I had not heard from you first." He continues. "I was hoping to receive your approval to look into one more lead on your brother's records."
My eyebrows shoot up, how are there any fucking leads left?
Luwin, bless the ground he walks on, has left no stone unturned in his hunt for information on Gregor. Mormont had started looking into our family but she and I had different goals for me back then and I don't know if she fully grasped how much I needed to know more on my late monster of a brother.
Luwin knew immediately it would help not only me but him. Perhaps there were appointments that as a child I had forgotten or not been privy to, notes that may help us to see where and when he became the thing that ended our family.
It equally was surprising and not surprising that his records from school, about his health or with the law were almost nil. The principal knew our father and hid tons of shit and other than a few teachers, the rest of the school was a waste. We have been down this road so many bloody times and hit dead end after dead end. I can't imagine there is anywhere else to look or anyone left to talk to.
"I'll sign anything but I no longer have any hope we can find more information than you already have. I know you've worked your ass off getting what little details we have now." I tell him, thanking him in my own way.
Luwin chuckles as he moves over to his desk, retrieving a folder and bring it to me with a pen. "I have tried my best to as you say, work my ass off for you and this information but this time it's actually a favor that I'm able to call on. Sometimes that's the only way you can get a real lead."
I nod, signing yet another waste of an authorization form. "Thank you anyway. I wouldn't be where I am without you."
A few minutes of regular chit chat and catching up and then I'm out of there. I take the deepest breath as exit his building, feeling lighter and better overall.
If I only knew that feeling would be shot to hell the very next day.