My name is Emily, and I woke up screaming. Partly from the nightmare, mostly because of the absence of Tarash in my mind meant that she would have prevented me from doing so. Not out of any callousness on her end, but because she knew I would not want to wake up my parents, or the fellow Controllers in what we informally called the "Yeerk House" at college, or, now, my host for the remainder of the summer while I interned at a media company, promoting the Symbiote Mission. I whimpered, recognizing her absence, but forced myself to calm down. To take deep breaths, just as she would have had me do. It was okay. I was safe, and she was safe. Tarash 514, former Visser Five of the Yeerk empire, was feeding in a glass of water with a Kandrona operator. She was inside the drawer of my bedside table.
I reminded myself again that she was safe.
All the same, I turned on my lamp and looked at my bedside table, then opened the drawer. Yes, there was the glass of water that contained my best friend and her Kandrona feeder. She swam in small circles, oblivious to my familiar nightmare. I wrapped my arms around myself and, again, forced myself to take deep breaths, just like she would have me do.
My mind traveled to the dream, the nightmare, even though I knew it by heart, having experienced it at least once a month since after the war ended. Because it was based in reality, but far worse. In my nightmare, I'd been awoken by the police, handcuffed, dragged from my beg, bleeding (because, of course, I had been on my period), and taken to the station along with hundreds of other voluntary hosts. After they forced Tarash out of my head, they subjected me to hours of questioning about whether or not I was truly voluntary. In the dream, they killed her, in front me. They'd laughed. In the dream, I screamed as my best friend died in front of me.
The reality was much better. Yes, I and hundreds of others had been dragged from our homes to a police station less than a week after the surrender of the Yeerk empire (and existence of the Yeerk empire) had been announced live on TV, but I had been allowed to get dressed, first. I had not been experiencing my period. While they had ordered Tarash to leave my head, she was placed in a glass of water with one of those miniature portable Kandronas that Yeerk vissers could use for short feeding periods. They even let me keep her in my sight the entire time. Before my hands had been too shaky to hold the glass, they had permitted me to hold her. The questions had felt relentless, and it felt even longer because I was tired, but, really, they had been fairly gentle.
In the reality, I returned home with Tarash in my head.
And that had been the end of it. I, and many others, had been given the status of Protected Voluntary Host. Me, especially, not for anything I had done, but because Tarash, while a high level Visser, had founded the Peace Movement. At least, the Peace Movement in the east coast of the country. Even Aftran 942 had never claimed to found the Peace Movement, but she'd been given credit for it by the masses all the same. Whether Tarash had been THE founder or just one of the founders in my region didn't really matter to her. After all, was the idea of not taking and tormenting an involuntary host such a rare one? Even in the empire, some Yeerks secretly opposed the idea. Even preferring a voluntary host, while accepted, showed some resistance to the empire propaganda that all hosts were just meat.
Hearing how loud my scream had been, I flinched. Wished it hadn't happened on the one night of the week that Tarash wasn't in my head. Because Tarash could have calmed me down. She'd always done so, before now. When the nightmares first started, we'd agreed that she would take control until I felt calm enough to be able to move without shaking. She'd hold me in that Yeerk hug way of hers, a strong one, but not strong enough to trigger good memories, because we'd learned early on that, what I had this nightmare, it only made things worse. And, slowly, I'd feel calm enough to go back to sleep, and I'd wake up the next day and thank her. And she'd tell me that she was happy to do it, that I was her friend and sister, and she would always be there for me.
Of course, I thought, the one time I'd had the nightmare without her would be after my temporary move to Sarah's.
And it hadn't even been a month since I'd moved in.
I'd no sooner turned my gaze away from my Yeerk when I saw Sarah in my doorway.
"Emily?" she asked, and while I still didn't know Sarah well, even I could see the concern all over her face. "Everything okay?"
Sarah was a Controller, like me, but she'd chosen infestation after the war was over. After the Yeerks spread beyond the coasts and into the central parts of the country. The "flyaway parts," as some dismissed them. Even the Yeerks had dismissed these areas at first, preferring California and New York and even Pennsylvania for the metropolitan cities, the large concentration of people in relatively small areas. Far better than the spread out areas in the middle of the country, never mind the fact, as I'd learned in my research, some of their cities held half a million people or more.
When Tarash and I began our travels to other parts of the country, to promote a Yeerk partnership and ensure that the new Yeerk Human Alliance was nothing like the old empire, Sarah had offered to give me a place to stay. Other plans had fallen through. Had it been the old empire, heads would have rolled at the "incompetence." Now, we simply made so and accepted that there sometimes needed to be backup plans.
It had been strange, living in a house with another human Controller. Just the two of us, unless you counted her tabby cat and her small dog. Without Tarash in my head, I was shy, insecure. With her, I was the best version of myself. Sarah, I learned early on, did not allow Tamlin the same amount of control over her body that I gave Tarash, but she didn't judge me for it. We'd become friendly in the last few weeks, sharing stories of our life before our Yeerks, and our time with them.
Still, up until now, I'd never spoken to Sarah with Tarash in my head until now. I swallowed, forcing myself to look up at my new friend, instead of down at the blanket.
"Just an old nightmare." I forced a smile. Or, what I thought was a smile. "I'm sorry, Sarah. I didn't mean to wake you up."
She took a few steps into my room. "You sounded like you were being murdered, Em."
She'd started calling me "Em" almost immediately. Not that she didn't also call me by my full name, but "Em" came out as often as not. I had never liked this nickname, had only permitted it among family and close friends. But, well, neither Tarash and I had had the desire or nerve to correct her, and now it was "Em" as much as "Emily."
Oddly enough, I didn't mind as much as I might have once. Maybe because I liked Sarah. Could see that she meant well. Besides, a nickname, even one I didn't particularly care for, did mean a level of closeness.
And, well, Sarah had opened up her home to me. Sure, she got a stipend for doing so, but she'd told me that she hadn't done for that. Hadn't needed the money. That she was happy to house me for a few months to help the Yeerk cause, as she put it.
I shuddered. "In the dream, it wasn't me. I mean," I added, slowly, "I wasn't being killed."
"Well, that's good, right?" she said, encouragingly.
I glanced over at the open drawer. At the glass containing my Yeerk. "It was her. In the dream."
Sarah paled, and I wished I hadn't told her anything, because she was still new to infestation and might not understand what it was like. She definitely didn't know what kind of fear people like I had lived with, after the war. Some of us had been captured, tied up, our Yeerks starved. They called themselves vigilantes, but for voluntary hosts like me, they were murderers. Some even had their Yeerks killed by their own family.
It was worst for the under sixteen crowd, because even though you had to be eighteen to apply, sixteen thru eighteen were allowed to stay with their Yeerks.
Not that there weren't other exceptions, but Tarash and I knew how hard it was for minors.
Sarah watched me, then crossed a few more steps until she was standing next to me. Well, except for the fact that I was sitting up in bed, really rigid, and she was standing next to me.
"Oh, Em," she murmured. "Can I give you a hug?"
At my nod, she climbed up so she was sitting next to me, and I remembered that I was only nineteen, and she was twenty-six.
It only mattered because, since I always looked young for my age, she probably saw me as several years younger than that. A scared kid, even, who'd just had a nightmare about losing her best friend.
I didn't mind that she was sitting next to me, in my bed (no, hers...everything in the house was hers, and I was only a visitor), nor when she put both of her arms around my shoulder in a sideways hug.
Sarah didn't tell me it was after midnight. I never put Tarash back in my head until the following morning. It was more of a sacrifice this way, for both of us.
Cautiously, I leaned against her. We hadn't been close before now. Not in the hugging each other kind of way. Oh, Sarah hugged her friends and coworkers, who were generally the same people. She'd told me she had been lucky this way. I kept to myself. I was friendly, kind, and outgoing (well, Tarash was for me). Still, I didn't hug anyone I wasn't super close with, and without either of us saying anything, she seemed to get it.
I was glad that Sarah had asked to hug me before doing so, and even more so that it had occurred to her that I might want one. Lots of people aren't aware enough to get the nuance between "not a huggy person with strangers" and "introvert but still might occasionally want a hug."
Even when Tom and I had begun dating, it had been over a month before we hugged. Holding hands, sure. After our fourth date. But hugs? Those came later. Tarash teased me that our first kiss wouldn't be until well after we got married.
(As likely as not, when the priest says that you can now kiss the bride, you'll both say you're not ready, yet!) Tarash would tease me.
(I'm not that bad!) I would protest, laughing within my mind.
(Oh, I know, tamli,) she would always reassure me.
Yet, it felt oddly nice, right now. Sarah's hug wasn't a mental one from my Yeerk, or a full on bear hug from my mom or dad or younger sister. It was more relaxed. It was like she was saying that she would let go if I wanted, but she was there.
"How long have you two...?" she started to ask, trailing off.
"How long has she been my Yeerk?" I asked, understanding that many people still weren't sure of the appropriate phrasing.
"How long have you two been symbionts?" was the appropriate question for a human who chose a Yeerk after the war. While "how long have you been a voluntary Controller with this Yeerk?" was technically accurate, it could be viewed as offensive, because many people accused voluntary hosts like myself as not unlike empire Yeerks.
As though we could have escaped infestation simply by saying no.
"Yes. Sorry, I don't know what's the right question to ask," Sarah explained, reddening a little.
"It's okay. I don't think we have figured out the 'politically correct' question for that, even after two years." I had to smile. "Anyway, it's been four years. Two before the war, two since. Actually, though, I've been a Controller for five years, since I had another for almost a year before her," I added.
I didn't usually hide this, but I didn't share it. My first Yeerk, despite being in the Peace Movement, had acted more like an empire Yeerk. Well, one of the nicer ones. Not only did I prefer Tarash to her, speaking about Nissim would do no good for the cause.
"I didn't realize." Sarah studied me. "You haven't said much about her?"
That was implying I had said anything. I swallowed a smile.
"Oh, well, she was as close to an empire Yeerk as you can be in the Peace Movement," I answered, truthfully. "Not cruel or anything, just, sorta seeing me as mostly a body. She got annoyed when I asked for control, but she usually said yes."
Because I could report her, otherwise. Because living where I did, only Peace Movement Yeerks got hosts.
You didn't get a 19/20 voluntary rate on almost ten thousand hosts by treating them like laklats.
Yes, even under Tarash, there were still involuntary hosts. We didn't put them in cages-just another part of the Yeerk pool, as nice as the voluntary area, but locked inside.
Tarash hated it, but she could hardly free hundreds of people. Especially when she knew most of their Yeerks personally, and most of the involuntary Controllers were not involuntary because their Yeerks were unkind.
I mean, sure, no human should be infested against their will, but when your higher up is Visser Three and you're trying to protect tens of thousands of Yeerks and humans, well, you can't please everyone.
Sarah brushed a piece of hair out of my face. "Ugh. Sounds like a real gem. What happened to her?"
"Nothlit, I think. I can't imagine that she would have wanted a host afterwards. But I don't think she did anything to merit the secondary pool," I guessed.
The secondary pool was the one for cruel Yeerks, with just enough access to Kandrona rays to keep them from starving.
The first was for Yeerks who didn't want hosts, or were waiting for one. Not that this happened much. Between the rate of Yeerk reproduction and the onslaught of new people wanting a Yeerk partnership (most part-time to start), we seemed to be at the happy middle ground of no long wait list for Yeerks or human hosts.
She nodded, probably remembering seeing it on the news. Or, maybe, Tarash and I had spoken about it at one point.
"Tarash must have been a big step up, huh?" she asked, smiling at me.
"Oh, totally." I had to smile, then. "I didn't think Nissim mistreated me, just that we weren't a good pair. When I got Tarash, though, it was like having a best friend and older sister."
Sarah chuckled. "They're not all great?"
"They?"
"Older sisters. I've got three, remember?" Sarah reminded me, gently.
I nodded. "I have one. It's gotten easier, after I started college, but...yeah. My younger sister and I get along a lot better."
Sarah laughed. "In my experience, I think they take it personally once you get a mind of your own and won't just follow them around and let them do whatever they want. I remember Sandy gave me the worse haircut when I was six. Mom totally freaked out," Sarah recalled, with a grimace.
"What did she do?" I asked, feeling grateful that I had never been the recipient of that.
"Tried to give me bangs. But they were totally uneven, because a nine year old isn't a hair expert, don't you know? She kept trimming them, and finally I had no hair up here." Sarah pointed to the top of her head. "Mom was in tears. She never hit us, but I think she might have wanted to start when she saw me. Didn't help that Sandy couldn't stop laughing."
I winced. "Oh, that sounds bad."
Sarah chuckled again. "My hair has always grown super fast. I got the bangs Sarah wanted by Easter-she mutilated my hair just after the new year-and I let them grow out. Believe it or not, I never had the desire for bangs after that."
I snickered.
"How 'bout I make some hot chocolate and brownies and I tell you more about the trials of being the youngest?" she suggested. Giving me a playful nudge, she added, "And you can tell me more about how your family reacted to having an alien living with them?"
The last part, I knew, was a joke. But not completely.
"Sure, that sounds great. Thank you, Sarah," I said, meaning it.
"Can I help with anything?" I asked, after we had gone downstairs.
"If you could grind up the chocolate..."
I grinned. "I can do that."
"Your older sister ever try to yank out a loose tooth with string?" she asked, cracking some eggs.
I covered my mouth. "No!"
"Well, Jack didn't quite manage, but he tried..." Sarah began. "It started after he saw this movie, or maybe it was a TV show..."
The End
Author's Notes:
This scene was originally part of a series I had started back when I was in college, well over a decade ago, about my original character Emily and her Yeerk, Tarash, and how they adjust to the college life in a post-war world where infestation is legal, but not everyone is happy about it.
I began to expand the story to Emily and Tarash's life outside of college, since I thought that Emily and Tarash would want to promote the cause of symbiosis beyond a small college campus. I had a lot written, but as it took place considerably after what I had published, I put it aside.
Sarah is based on a friend and someone I highly respect, who I began to get to know in 2014. Unfortunately, she died four years ago, before we had a chance to meet in person. I don't know if the real life "Sarah" ever read the Animorphs books, but as she would have been in her college years when the series STARTED to come out, it's unlikely. (Not that college students haven't enjoyed the books, but you have to admit that they're not the demographic. I was an older reader when I began at around 15.)
Given that "Sarah" died four years ago on August 30th, I wanted to do something additional to honor her and her memory. As I said, this work was supposed to be a part of a much larger one, but it still hurts too much to continue this story with a dead person as a living character.
This scene, which I believe can work as an individual story as much as a part of a larger one, is a tribute to the real "Sarah."
The term "tamli," another tribute to "Sarah," is a meant to be a Galard phrase that literally means "my heart," and translated colloquially as "my precious one." It is used exclusively in symbiotic relationships.