Chapter 2
Some time later, I awake in a fog in a different room, attached to all kinds of cords and beeping noises as my heart is being monitored as well who knows what else. I assume this is the recovery area, because when I turn my head just slightly, I see Seth, seated and hunched over the side of the bed while holding my hand, he is still in his scrubs and surgical hat. His lips are moving but no sound comes out. I wonder if he is praying. Perhaps I am dying.
I inhale sharply as I feel a bit of discomfort in my abdomen.
Seth's head springs up, "Jess? Are you awake?"
"Yes."
"Are you in pain?" I see him motion to a nurse across the room and she hurries to check my vitals.
"A little. Not too bad though."
He orders some IV medication and when she comes back, he takes the vials from her and prepares to administer the medication himself.
"Seth, wait."
He freezes and looks down at me. I see the tiredness and stress in his eyes, but I sense something else as well. Is it my imagination, or does he appear a little relieved?
"How bad was it, Seth? Tell me the truth."
He sets the vials down beside me and picks up my hand gently to hold and caress as he looks into my eyes.
"You had a tumor the size of an orange on your ovary. I am fairly confident that it was a benign fibroid, but we have sent it off to pathology to make sure. I had to take out the ovary like we discussed, but you still have your uterus and right ovary. You also have a kidney infection which accounts for your fever, and likely your back pain, and may have been caused of its own accord, or because the tumor was putting so much pressure on that kidney. Either way, it's a good thing you do, because apparently you had no other symptoms and benign or not, that's not safe to allow a tumor that size to continue to grow in your body."
I start to cry. I can't help it. The fear of the past twenty-four hours is far more than I realized. And somehow in the back of my mind, I realize that I did indeed tell Seth that I love him and now I can actually do something about it, instead of fearing that the end would be near and I had wasted so much time.
"Jess, why are you crying?" Seth leans towards me and begins to wipe my tears.
"I thought I was going to lose you."
"Never," he whispers fiercely in my ear.
He pulls away and looks at me, and continues to speak soothingly.
"Jess, I'm going to give you some medicine now, okay? I want you to relax and rest."
I nod. I watch as he inserts the needle into my IV and injects the liquid that travels into my body and only seconds later, I am back asleep.
I wake up later in a different room, but this one is a private room, not a recovery room. Seth is still beside me, but has nodded off in his chair, snoring softly. Small lights are lit at floor level by the door to guide the way of any doctors or nurses, but the overhead lights are off and the room is cool. I look to the side and there is a couch made up with sheets, blankets, and a pillow.
Why is he not sleeping more comfortably there? He is going to hurt his neck sleeping in the chair.
"Seth?" I ask as I try to reach over for his hand, but even as I do so, my side feels as though a knife has sunk deep into me and I gasp in pain.
He jumps up in dismay, reaching for me. Tears have sprung in my eyes unbidden and try as I might, I can't make them stop. He calls for the nurse, and again orders medication.
"Seth, I don't want more pain medicine."
"Nonsense, woman. It's only been six hours since your surgery. In another day, we will talk, but right now, part of healing is being able to relax and rest and you can't do that if you are in this much pain."
I consider arguing some more, but I'm so exhausted and the pain is fierce. I nod instead.
"Can you not give me something so strong just yet? I want to talk to you for a few minutes. I don't want to go right back to sleep."
The nurse bustles in with the vials of medicine, and Seth takes them from her and waves her away.
"Jess, what do you want to talk about?" he whispers gently, even as he reaches for my hand.
"Nothing in particular. I just wanted to be near you and feel your presence."
"I haven't left this room since they wheeled you in here, and I won't."
"Yes, but you do need to sleep on the couch. Not that chair. Promise me, that once I'm asleep, you lie down and at least try to be more comfortable."
He looks like he will argue, but must decide against it at the last moment, as he nods in agreement.
I look back up at this kind and gentle man, who I know I love more than anything, but haven't allowed myself to admit it before the last twenty-four hours. But I feel it in my very bones now, just as I know he loves me.
I did tell him I loved him, didn't I?
I didn't dream that, did I?
"Seth, I love you."
"And I love you, Jess."
"I did tell you that before the surgery, didn't I?"
"Yes, indeed." He pauses, suddenly worried. "You aren't regretting telling me, are you?"
I squeeze his hand tightly, as I say, "It is the most true thing I have said in years. I just wanted to make sure that I did tell you and that I didn't just dream it."
He still gazes at me warily as though he is afraid I don't mean it. Or maybe he thinks it is still love within the realm of friendship.
"Seth, please kiss me."
His eyes widen, as he hesitantly leans forward, and I lift my free hand to softly cup his cheek, looking deeply into his eyes, I whisper again, "I love you," before I pull him to me and press my lips to his own. Before he can pull away, I press into the kiss, making it clear that I want it to continue. Using my tongue to trace his lower lip, I feel it part in surprise, as I use my tongue to explore his mouth. I hear his gasp, even as he eagerly answers me with his tongue taking a turn, entering my own mouth.
Eventually, he pulls away, and I can't stop looking at him and hoping that one day soon, his lips will be on other places on my body. Even though I know I need to recover first, I think my physical attraction to Seth will be a big motivator.
He speaks before I can. "That was lovely, my dear. But, now you need to sleep. Alright?"
I nod, feeling my face blush.
He reaches for the vials on the bed, and again, I watch him inject the IV and I am asleep moments later.
I know I wake up a few times through the night and early morning, as the nurses are constantly checking my vitals it seems. Once I woke up to a noise, only to realize that it was Seth snoring on the couch. I could see him in silhouette with the blanket over top of him, and he was calm for the first time since all this started. When I realized what I was hearing, his snoring actually became comforting and lulled me back to sleep to know he was so close by.
When I awoke much later in the morning, Seth was beside the bed holding my hand with a cup of coffee in his other hand and the newspaper propped on the edge of the bed beside us.
As my eyes fluttered open, I felt him squeeze my hand.
"Jess, how are you feeling?"
Groggy, I tried to sit up slightly, but that was a bad idea, because I immediately felt pain. Although I didn't say anything, he had to know by the expression on my face.
"Woman, if you want to move, you only need to tell me. Don't be trying anything on your own for a bit." To illustrate, he pushes the button to lift me up in the hospital bed as he could tell that is what I wanted, and then helps me rearrange my pillows.
I nod. I can hardly argue when every movement thus far has caused extreme pain.
"Jess, look at me."
I look into his warm hazel eyes and he stares into mine.
"How is the pain now?"
"Better."
I can tell he is assessing to determine if I need more medication, but as I don't want anymore right now, I just continue to stare.
"I'm going to check your incision and make sure it looks alright." Even though it was a statement, I know he is still waiting to see if I object. But as he has seen pretty much everything now, it no longer makes any difference. Besides, I trust Seth more than anyone else. I love this man who can stare into my soul and love whatever he sees in me.
He pulls back the sheet and moves the hospital gown up but pulls the sheet up with it to preserve a bit of modesty. The incision is covered with a fairly thick bandage but seems in an odd place considering where my pain was and is more central in my abdomen. He gingerly manages to verify that the wound is not seeping or bleeding. I notice several other micro incisions that just have a type of butterfly tape on them. I look up at Seth quizzically.
He notices my look and smiles softly.
"Despite the size of the tumor, I was able to do this laparoscopically. I wasn't sure if it would be possible, but it was. It should be a quicker recovery time as a result of not having to cut through a lot of abdominal muscle."
He lowers the hospital gown back down and says, "It looks good. I think if you can eat breakfast and your pain is under control, I will let you go home later today. If not today, tomorrow."
I nod, but must look worried, because he reaches for my hand and asks, "Is something wrong?"
"I want to go home, Seth. Don't get me wrong. But I am just a little scared. I'm not sure I can manage the stairs right now."
"Which is exactly why I am coming home with you, woman. I'm not about to let you be alone right now. I'll sleep in the guest room and will make all your meals and help you with anything else you need."
"That's sweet, Seth, but you have patients. Maybe I can get Grady to come for a visit."
"Don't you dare! I have already told Beverly to cancel all my patients for at least the next week, maybe longer. It's time I got my priorities in order. And you, my dear, are my top priority. Besides, Jess, what was that about us loving each other? If that is the truth, part of loving is in sickness and in health."
"But we haven't taken vows, Seth."
"Which I hope to rectify in the near future. But for now, let me make myself clear, woman, if you will have me, I promise to take care of you for the rest of my life."
I can't help the tears that spill. They won't stop.
I can only manage a few words through my tears, as I say, "I don't deserve you, Seth."
He leans down and kisses my forehead, whispering, "My dear Jess, you have it the wrong way around."
I manage some broth and clear juice for breakfast and keep it down. Seth does insist that I should try to stay ahead of the pain and after just a few more times of me grimacing, he orders more meds once again and I watch as he again administers them in my IV. Falling into a deep sleep, I rest.
Upon awakening the next time, he is right there beside me once again. He holds my hand as he tells me that he thinks I should stay in the hospital one more night. He thinks everything is going well, but he wants to give me one more round of antibiotics through the IV and make sure that I don't need more before releasing me.
When the nurse comes in to hang the antibiotics from the IV tower, she connects it to my tubing. By the looks of the bag, it will take a couple of hours to give me the medicine. But after about half an hour, my hand and arm where the IV is inserted, begins to burn terribly.
"Seth?"
He sets down the newspaper he was reading by the bed.
"Yes, Jess?"
"My hand and arm are really burning. Is that normal?"
He looks concerned as he begins to look and press the skin around my IV, which has become swollen and irritated.
"Damn. The vein has collapsed."
He reaches over and turns off the drip, pushing the button and asking the nurse to bring
in supplies to start a new one. He carefully pulls off the medical tape and pulls out the IV gently, but it does not mean it does not hurt. He holds a cotton ball in place to put pressure on my hand. I try to breathe through the discomfort.
The nurse comes in within a couple of minutes, causing me to wonder if Seth has pulled strings for her to be assigned only to me, as she always seems available immediately upon his request. She brings all the supplies to start a new IV and begins to lay everything out beside me. Seth shoos her away and says he will do it. She tries to argue, but he just gives her a look and she drops it, leaving the room. Neither of them are upset though, they appear good natured and I know that all the nurses I have ever spoken to in Cabot Cove love working with Seth.
I watch him work, as he ties the tourniquet around my other bicep, coaxing me to make a fist. He assesses my arm and hand looking for a good vein. I wonder when the last time he started an IV was, yet his medical skills and instincts are second to none. He exudes a confidence that puts me at ease.
He selects a vein in my forearm, cleaning it with an alcohol wipe, and getting the needle out. Holding my hand with his left to keep it still, he holds the needle with his right and in one firm poke, gets it inserted. I breathe out slowly, the discomfort and pain waning already.
Getting the tubes connected and swinging around the IV machine on the other side of the bed, he reconnects the saline drip with the antibiotics, turning it back on in the process.
"Alright, Jess, let's see how that feels. It still might burn a little, because those antibiotics are harsh, but it should be much better."
"Thank you, Seth."
I reach for his hand, squeezing it with my free one.
"Thank you for taking such good care of me. I know a lot of doctors don't treat loved ones, but I am thankful that you do," I say somewhat shyly, as I am obviously insinuating that I am a loved one.
"That's the difference with small town country doctors. If you didn't treat people you know and care about, you'd have no patients. Of course, with you, that's quite a bit different, but I know I can treat you, because you have been my patient for two decades already. Although…although, becoming friends and falling in love with you came a good bit later on. Some would say that I should have stepped aside and asked someone else to treat you, and I would be lying if I said I didn't consider it last night…I was terrified, Jess. But I made the decision on the drive to the hospital, that I just could not trust anyone else to take care of you the way I knew I could. So, I resolved to focus on what I knew to do and once I was in the operating room, I tried to put the personal fears and feelings in the back of my brain and focused on the task at hand."
"I'm sorry. I knew it was hard for you, but I don't think I realized just how much until now."
He jerks his eyes up to hers a bit sharply and says, "Don't apologize, Jess. It was a privilege to be able to do something to take care of you. I would have gone insane if I had to wait on some other doctor to do what I knew I could do and do well."
"Seth?"
"Hmm?"
"Kiss me."
"With pleasure," he said as he leaned down and pressed his lips to mine. Reaching with my free hand, I hold his head in place. I'm not about to let him get away quickly, as I softly kiss him back, parting his lips to taste his warm mouth. I hear him moan in surprise, and after another moment, I pull away slightly, to look him in the eyes.
"I like kissing you, Seth Hazlitt."
"Jess, I have no words."
I smile at him, and pull him back to my mouth, this time urging him to use his tongue as well, teasing one another, and lengthening the kisses making them sultry and sensual. By the time we pull away a few minutes later, both of our heartbeats have accelerated and we have to breathe deeply to get enough oxygen back in our systems.
While he appears charmed, I suddenly feel a wave of embarrassment, as I realize that I am kissing him while in a hospital bed, wearing a hospital gown. I am sure I have bedhead and I'm not sure I remember the last time I brushed my teeth. I hope he has not just been trying to be kind to me, by responding to my kisses.
"What's going on in your brain, Jess?"
I look down, suddenly struggling to make eye contact. I mumble, "I'm just a little embarrassed all of a sudden. Here I am trying to kiss you senseless, and I haven't brushed my teeth or my hair in over twenty-four hours."
"Jess, stop worrying. There is absolutely nothing you could do right now that would make me not want to kiss you."
To prove it, he leaned in and initiated a passionate kiss this time. Maybe I shouldn't worry after all.
Later that evening, after the antibiotics finished, Seth had the nurse come in while he took a quick shower in the adjoining bathroom to check on me, getting her to also remove my catheter. I know that Seth would have done it, but after last night, he was trying to save me from further embarrassment.
Five minutes later, he was back in my room, with a fresh pair of scrubs on to sleep in.
"Alright Jess, if your bladder will wake up after removing the catheter tonight, and you have another good night, we will go home tomorrow morning."
"Do I have to have all the same pain medicine tonight?"
"No, you don't. I think I can just give you some Tramadol if you'd like, which is far less potent than the Morphine I was giving you at first."
"Morphine?"
"Woman, you had major surgery last night. Of course you were on Morphine! But I think you can start to wean down and we will see how you do tonight. Alright?"
"Alright."
Opening the door to tell the nurse, who must have been just outside in the hallway, he gives me the medicine in the IV and sits beside the bed.
"That medicine won't knock you out the same way as the Morphine did. Would you like me to read aloud to help you relax?"
"Hmm, that would be nice."
He begins reading and it only takes seconds for me to realize that he is reading a sonnet by Shakespeare. Then another and another.
"I never knew you were a romantic, Seth."
"I have hidden depths, woman."
I chuckle, as he picks back up reading.
After about half an hour, I am starting to get sleepy, but for the first time since being in the hospital, I realize that I need to get up for the bathroom, which I know is a good sign, but a bit annoying since I'm just now comfortable.
"Seth?"
He leans forward in expectation.
"Do you think you could help me to the bathroom?"
He stands up, lowering the side rail on the hospital bed, while raising the head of the bed up. He helps me swing my legs to the floor, and then cautions me not to move quickly.
He reaches around my waist, almost lifting me up himself. Pausing, he lets me feel my weight on my feet and I feel slightly light headed, but alright otherwise.
Walking with me to the bathroom, he says, "Now, Jess, I am going to stand you by the toilet and turn my back. I want you to sit down and grab the bar or me if you need to, but I won't leave the room until you are seated, alright? Then when you are done, I'll come back to walk you back to bed."
I nod. It took a bit of time for my body to work again, but I was able to stand back up, cover myself with the hospital gown and flush before he came back in. Washing my hands, I felt as though I had accomplished a three mile run, and not just getting up to go to the bathroom!
By the time I got back to my bed, I was asleep within a few minutes.
The next morning, I awoke to hear Seth talking to someone just outside the door. It sounded like a man, but the voice was muffled and I couldn't make out any of what was being said. Seth's voice sounded unusually upbeat, so hopefully it was good news.
When he came back a few minutes later, he lit up when he saw me, "Jess, the pathologist just came by personally to confirm that it was a benign fibroid tumor. No cancer at all!"
When he reached my bedside, he leaned in for a gentle but firm embrace, and when we both pulled away a few moments later, we were both crying. Tears of gratitude, yes, but also a release of all the fear that we both felt, even if we didn't talk about it. We took turns wiping each other's faces and smiling through the tears.
For the first time, I allowed myself to consider what it might be like to grow old with Seth. Together.
"I don't think I realized how scared I was that it was cancer, Seth."
"Woman, you had me terrified. Before the surgery, I was almost positive that it was, but then when I got inside and saw it, I felt fairly confident that it wasn't cancer, but my word, I don't think I have ever been so scared going into a surgery, even while I knew that I had to keep a level head."
"Thank you for taking such good care of me."
"I'm so glad I was able to. But, Jess?"
"Yes?"
"Promise me that you will get a new gynecologist and follow up with him or her within the next month. And if you don't find one, I will find one for you."
"Will you please find one for me? I trust you to find a good one."
"Absolutely, I will. Now, let's get this IV out of you and get you home."
An hour later, Seth parks his car in front of 698 Candlewood Lane, my lovely Victorian home. He comes around to my side of the car, helping me out.
"Jess, nice and slow. This is a journey, not a race." He holds tight with one arm around my waist, and the other wrapped around my arm, steadying me in case I fall.
Climbing up the steps of the porch, even one at a time, I am out of breath. I try to take several full breaths at the top, but Seth can tell how worn out I already am, as he makes me stand still for a full minute to get my breathing back to normal.
As soon as we cross the threshold, he steers me to the living room couch.
"Jess, let's have you rest for a few minutes."
I don't argue. I can't.
"Would you like a cup of tea?"
"That would be lovely."
He leaves me to go to the kitchen, where I can hear him bustling around turning the stove on with the kettle, and getting cups and saucers. I think I hear the toaster and the refrigerator door open.
Before I nod off, he returns and sets a cup of hot tea on the coffee table in front of me, with a slice of toast with what looks like butter and jam.
I thank him and take a sip. He sits next to me with his own cup and watches me closely.
"Jess, maybe you should sleep here tonight. I am not sure you can manage the stairs."
I must look as distraught as I feel, because he quickly says, "Alright, how about you take a nap here and in a couple of hours, we will reassess? I think I could carry you if it was just down a hallway, but I don't think that is a wise idea up a full flight of stairs."
"I understand. I was just really looking forward to my own bed."
"Woman, I know. You will rest better in your own bed and you need to for your recovery. So, if we can safely get you there later today, we will."
I reach for his hand to hold. We finish our tea and he helps me arrange the pillows and stretch out for a nap, telling me that he will make soup for us to eat later.
I wake up in the early afternoon as the sun reaches my face through the blinds. Someone is at the door and I hear Seth walk from the kitchen to answer it.
"Hi Doc, how is Mrs. F?"
"She is doing better, Mort."
"Would it be alright to see her?"
Seth leans back from the door to peer into the living room to see if I am alert. I tell Seth to send him in.
"Sure, Mort, come on in, she was just resting on the couch."
"Hi, Mrs. F. I heard you weren't feeling too well. Wanted to check in and see how you are doing."
"Thanks, Mort. I'm getting better. Seth is taking good care of me."
"Mort, I just finished making soup. Would you care to join us?"
"If it's not any trouble, that sounds great."
Seth told him that I wasn't to move, as they would be getting everything and bringing it to the living room. Within minutes, Seth is beside me on the couch, and Mort is in the chair across from us, as we eat. It's hearty and I know that I need to eat it, as Seth sets my medication by the bowl, saying that I need a full stomach to take it. I eat slowly, but after a while, I am able to consume the whole bowl, and Seth nods in approval telling me to take the pills now.
Seth seems to think of something suddenly and turns to Mort in excitement.
"Mort, I just had a thought. Could you help me get Jess to her bed? We couldn't make it earlier which is why she is down here, but if we got on either side of her and basically picked up most of her body weight, we could get her up safely."
"Happy to help."
It was hard not to feel like a large barnyard animal that needed carrying, but I didn't complain. I knew they were trying to help take care of me. Instead I focused on the fact that I would get to be in my own bed!
Mort and Seth easily got me up the stairs and set me down on the side of my bed. Mort knew better than to stay any longer, as now that I was in my bedroom, it felt a little too personal for all of us. Saying goodbye, we heard his heavy tread as he made his way back down the stairs and out the front door.
As soon as the sound of the door closing faded, Seth moved to my dresser, grabbing me a fresh pair of pajamas. Turning back to me, he asked if I needed help getting into them.
"Actually, Seth, do you think I could take a shower? I'm sure you won't let me take a bath yet with the incision, but I think it's been over three days since I bathed last, and with all the times I soaked through my pajamas from my fever, I don't feel clean."
He hesitates. I can see how conflicted he is, likely not wanting to disappoint me, but also thinking it is not a good idea.
"Jess, I don't think you have the strength to stand yet for that long, my dearest. I should have thought of getting you a shower chair before we left the hospital. But…"
"But?"
"Well, Jess, I know this is awkward, but I could help you if you really want one. I'm not trying to be a dirty old man about this. I just really don't think it's safe yet for you to shower on your own. But if you wanted to sit down in the bathtub and just let the water run, I could help you wash your hair at least and help you get the soap off."
Poor Seth. He is beet red. I consider him for a moment. Can I ask this of him? I am a bit embarrassed as well, but after the last few days, helping me bathe is actually one of the least embarrassing things to go through together. The man gave me a full pelvic exam just two days ago.
"Alright."
I'm able to go to the bathroom on my own and undress, carefully sitting down on the edge of my bathtub with my feet in the bathtub already. The coolness of the tub is shocking, but I know Seth is just outside the door waiting to come in.
"Seth?"
"Yes?"
"Am I able to take off the bandage?"
"Yes, carefully."
The tape pulls against my skin and as the bandage pulls away, I am still shocked to see the stitches. They are not large or irritated, but it is still alarming to see a row of stitches for the first time on my body that had never been there before. There are about eight to ten sutures in a neat row from north to south, in the middle of my abdomen. Gingerly, I touch them, feeling the pain, but also suddenly grateful again that Seth was able to heal me in a sense.
Seth must hear me cry, as he asks in alarm, "Jess, is something wrong?"
"No, Seth. Everything is right. You can come in."
I hear the door open behind me, knowing he will see me nude on the edge of the tub with my back to him.
I can feel his hesitation. I can't turn without hurting myself, so I reach behind me with one hand, gesturing for him to come closer. When he reaches me, I pull his hand down to me, kissing it and looking up to his eyes as he stands over me.
His eyes scan mine quickly, as I can tell how nervous he is. I think he wants to look at my body, but is afraid to be noticed while doing so, but for the first time, I'm not embarrassed. Maybe a bit shy still, but not embarrassed. How did I not know for years that I was in love with this man? Or, the more likely scenario, how could I be in love with him for years and never let myself acknowledge it?
"You saved my life, Seth. Thank you."
"You weren't dying, Jess." He says, waving off my praise, still not sure where to look.
"No, you did. Maybe I wasn't dying in the traditional sense, but I certainly felt like I was. And who knows how long I would have gone on without treatment if you hadn't been there. But more than anything, you have saved me from myself. From the lie that I was perfectly content to be alone for the rest of my life."
He clears his throat, unsure how to respond, but his hand squeezes mine tightly, assuring me that he is just as invested as I am.
"Seth, will you marry me?"
I hadn't planned that. It just came out of my mouth, but as I was still seated and he was standing above me, it was as though I was kneeling as I proposed, and I knew it was right.
He lowers himself to the edge of the tub beside me, pulling me to him. I feel his warm breath on my neck, as he is trembling against me. I quickly realize that he is crying and I worry at first that he is not happy at my proposal, but then he whispers in my ear, "You stole my thunder, woman. I was waiting for the perfect moment to ask you. But there is nothing, Jess, absolutely nothing in this world, that would give me greater pleasure than to marry you."
As he pulled back, while keeping his arms fully around my body, his warm hands on my bare back, he leaned down for a searing kiss that made my toes curl. It went on for quite a bit as we both searched each other's mouths, taking turns sucking on bottom lips and nibbling the edges gently with our teeth.
After a bit, Seth pulled back, and said, "Now, Jess, what in the world are we going to tell people about your proposal? We can't very well tell people that you were sitting nude on the side of the tub and asked me, now can we?"
Chuckling, I say, "I don't see why not, Dr. Hazlitt. It's certainly not the most scandalous thing I hear about these days."
Sensing his dismay, I pulled him closer and whispered, "We are two mature adults. We don't have to say anything. But if you want a cover story, my love, why not just say that I asked you at home when you were nursing me back to health and leave it at that?"
He nods against my head and relaxes, with my body still close to his.
"Now, Dr. Hazlitt, can I get clean now?"
"Yes, Mrs. Fletcher, absolutely."
Seth had brought in a cup from the kitchen and after helping me sit in the bottom of the tub and turning the hot water on full blast, he proceeded to wet down my hair. After lathering up the shampoo, he rinsed it out for me while I kept my eyes tightly closed. The conditioner followed. When he finished, I opened my eyes to find him staring at my face, and again trying not to stare at the rest of my body. We locked eyes and the heat rose in my body far more than the heat of the water could account for. Never breaking eye contact, I reached for a washcloth, lathering up the soap and moving the cloth all over my body. I started to feel things that I had forgotten about in life. The terribly heady sensation of feeling both sensual and seductive towards the person you love, knowing that they desire you in the most intimate way possible. I knew in those few minutes, perhaps more than I ever had before, that Seth desired me sexually, while also understanding how undeniably aroused that made me feel as well.
Rinsing the soap off, I was almost done. I didn't really need to soap up my back, but why not have a little fun with Seth?
Reaching out with the soapy washcloth, I handed it to him and asked, "Can you do my back?"
He clears his throat and leaned forward to reach behind me. His touch is tentative at first, but quickly becomes focused as he covers every inch. It feels good and I sigh in appreciation.
"Could you not do that, woman?"
"Do what?"
"Make noises when I am touching you. My mind is already in the gutter and you aren't helping."
I giggle.
"Not helping!"
He finishes and rinses all the soap off me, turning off the water. He stands and reaches for the towel. Reaching for my hand, he helps me to stand and I am standing in front of him fully nude, dripping wet. He can no longer pretend not to see me.
"You're beautiful, Jess."
I smile.
"Will you help me?"
That brings him to the task at hand and he helps me to step out onto the bathmat. He leaves while I dry off and put fresh pajamas on.
I dry my hair and wash my face, brushing my teeth, and then slowly walk back to my bedroom. Seth is there and he is changing my sheets.
He looks up and says, "Just sit down in the chair a minute, Jess. I figured you might like fresh sheets since you were sweating so much."
"Thank you, darling. That is so kind of you."
He makes the bed with military precision, which is fascinating to watch. His dog tags fall out of the collar of his shirt as he leans over the corners of the bed, and I wonder about that part of his life that he is so private about, which is not surprising considering the horrors he likely witnessed. He never seems to understand his value and worth, always putting himself down. But he shows me his love and care for me and many others with every single thing he does.
He fluffs the pillows and turns to extend his hand to me.
I stand and walk to the edge of the bed. He helps me under the covers and I am in bliss and I tell him so.
Again, he clears his throat. I am not sure what he wants to say, but I am still holding his hand and I pull him down to where we are face-to-face.
"Thank you for your help. I feel amazing for the first time in days."
I tilt my head at him.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing at all, Jess."
I pull back just slightly, frowning, "Why are you lying to me, Seth?"
He sighs and closes his eyes briefly, before opening them and staring at me again. His hazel eyes are warm but I can see the fear and uncertainty. But I think there is also still desire.
"I want you more than anything in the world. I denied it for years and then when I admitted it to myself a few years ago, I made myself be realistic about it, knowing that nothing would ever happen. But now, Jess? Now, that we have admitted how we feel? The desire and need is almost unbearable. It is starting to physically hurt."
I look down a bit, trying to casually see if what I think he means is still present.
"Not that, woman. Well, not just that. I guess that is part of it. But no, I can feel it in my chest as tension when I look at you, when I kiss you, and when I hold your hand. The intensity just continues to increase and I don't have any release from it. I'm not trying to pressure you, Jess. I know we aren't married yet and you are certainly not well enough yet for anything more physical than a few kisses here and there. But it's just really hard."
I can't help it. His last sentence opened him up to teasing. I just quirk an eyebrow at him and smile and he groans in dismay.
"I walked right into that, didn't I?"
Instead of responding, I squeeze his hand and scootch over to motion for him to sit down.
I start to rub his hands with my own. Looking into his eyes, I whisper, "How long do we have to wait before I can…engage with you?"
"At least a month, but it would be better to wait six weeks."
The disappointment must show on my face, because he murmurs, "Now you understand my own frustration. Especially with you standing up nude in the bathtub."
I chuckle. "Maybe if I'm really good, the new doctor you find me will give me a clean bill of health sooner than that."
"Not likely, but I know who I am going to take you to. We are going in a couple days down to Portland to see her."
"Well, I know one thing that we can take care of before six weeks if you want. I don't need to get married to sleep with you, but it sounds like it might be important to you. So, why don't we take a detour in Portland to the courthouse and take care of that the same day?"
"You don't want a wedding?"
"Not unless you do, Seth. I just want you."
"I just want you, Jess."
"That's settled then. Now lean over here and give me a kiss."
That night, Seth stayed in the chair beside me until I fell asleep. As I drifted off, I could hear him reading me sonnets in his gravelly voice, which felt like a caress to my ears and heart.