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30
On For Too Long
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Kurt sat Sebastian down on their couch, a far too familiar scene but attached with both good and bad memories. Kurt opened his mouth several times and then closed it, unsure what to say first, how to tackle what he wanted to say. Sebastian didn't say anything for fear of leading Kurt down the wrong path and changing his mind. Right now it appeared as if Kurt wanted to stay together but the wrong memory triggered and Kurt could be going the opposite direction, bringing back up old arguments.
Finally Kurt sighed and settled on words that Sebastian hated hearing. "We weren't happy."
"We were." Sebastian tried to argue. "We were just not in a good place when you left."
"We weren't happy for a long time, Sebastian and that was both of our faults." Kurt countered with a resounded and firm tone. He knew what the past was now too. "But that didn't mean we couldn't be."
"I'm only happy with you." Sebastian grappled to convince Kurt differently. He didn't want to break up, Kurt was obviously sorting through a lot but he needed to show Kurt the good times again, that those were worth holding on to. "We were happy once and we were just recently."
"When I didn't have my memories." Kurt accused. "You purposely only highlighted the good times by only telling me a small portion of the bad, of your behavior leading up to the accident. It was a carefully conscripted narration of the past and what's worse, everyone played into it, telling me your version of events, even my dad."
"Because they all knew that we were better together than apart. They wanted to help make that happen, nothing was nefarious. We tried telling you the truth too, just in a better light."
"Yeah, I am well aware." Kurt sighed and settled against the arm of the couch.
"I did tell you all the bad things that I did while you were in the coma too, but then Rachel and Brittany pointed out that I was a bad narrator. I viewed things far darker than they were or didn't have all the information."
Suddenly, Kurt laughed. "Baby, I know. I remember all the times you tried to let me go on my own accord during these last few months, telling me how terrible you were and you copped to a few things I wouldn't have expected you to." Kurt shook his head. "You're insane, I don't know how many times I've had to tell you that I wasn't going anywhere, nothing you did would push me away and that's always been true." Kurt shook his head. "You don't always hear me, do you? I just told you twice that we're not breaking up unless you want to now that everything's back."
"And you're not hearing me all the time either, I don't want to break up." Sebastian pointed out.
"Well, then that's settled." Kurt laughed again and moved closer so his legs were over Sebastian's lap and he reached out and pulled Sebastian's head to him to kiss him. "We're not breaking up."
"Good." Sebastian was in a bit of a daze, this was going better than he'd anticipated even though he had thought this was the general direction this was going to go. "Then what more needs to be talked about?"
"So much." Kurt sighed and dropped his head onto Sebastian's shoulder. "I'm just unsure where to start. But now that we both know the goal and are reassured of it, we can have an honest conversation."
Sebastian dwelled on that for awhile, wondering where he'd like to start. There were still so many questions that he had about what had gone on in Kurt's head leading up to the accident, what he might remember about that and the coma now.
"Our communication has been shit." Kurt bluntly stated all of a sudden and Sebastian looked down at him, wondering what else he was going to add onto that. "It's been better since the accident. We need to be better or we will break apart."
"I know, I told myself that often during your coma and I've been trying to be better but you've been calling me out on all my shit since you woke up and it's been easier to ask you about what's been on your mind. You tend to shut down and go internal."
Kurt snorted. "I tend to? Geez Seb, you would go out and get drunk rather than talk to me when something was bothering you. Do you even realize that Blaine sang me a song in an attempt to woo me that he thought was a love song from you? He really had no understanding of our relationship nor the fact that the only times you sang to me in public was when you were threatening me with a breakup?"
"I was never going to break up with you." Sebastian frowned at Kurt. "You were the one likely to break up with me."
Kurt put his hands together, really hammering in his point. "You were the one who was preferring to go into self-destruction rather than break up with me or talk to me. I believe you when you say you never cheated on me but I know that if you were given enough time and enough drinks it would have happened."
"No." Sebastian denied the claim. "I just drank to numb the pain, I would never have cheated."
"You would have gotten drunk enough that the decision may no longer have been yours to make." Kurt said softly, as if in pain for Sebastian and not their relationship or himself. "I'm sorry I pushed you to that, that you didn't think you could talk to me." Kurt put his hands on Sebastian's shoulders, incredibly serious. "I've never really been that good for you but I'm too selfish to let you go."
"Are you kidding me? I've attempted monogamy before you but I was only inspired to try because of you. If I wasn't with you I'd still be sleeping with anything that moved with the right anatomy, or dead." He'd definitely still been in something he hadn't enjoyed.
Kurt shook his head. "You would have sorted yourself out on your own."
They'd probably never agree on that point, so Sebastian changed the topic a little. "I'm sorry that you remembered that I sang Ghost to you. Of all the songs that I've ever sung to you, that's not the one I wished you remembered. It was just a baseless threat but also a way to express to you how I was feeling. I certainly shouldn't have sung it to you in public like that and certainly shouldn't have given Blaine something he could use against us. I hadn't been thinking about that."
"I'm actually glad you did. It triggered something when Blaine sang it, helping to bring back the memories. I guess there were a few triggers. I had wondered why you never wanted to have me on my back and you probably should have told me but also I'm glad you didn't attempt it. That was terrifying and I didn't know why I was breaking like that. Now I get it and remember doing it before and why." Kurt shuddered and wrapped his arms around himself. "We never really talked about that."
"No, we hadn't and we only need to if you want to." Sebastian opened up his arms and Kurt moved fluidly into them and relaxed as Sebastian's arms wrapped around him. It was enough of an answer for both of them. "Rachel mentioned that there were several songs that you'd hummed."
"I think I heard you in my coma." Kurt admitted. "I was humming You are My Sunshine, Ghost and some of the ones I sang you. Also one that no one else seemed to have known except Rachel. Blaine seemed to be under the impression that Ghost was the song you sang to me in my coma as well as before it in addition to the other one I just mentioned."
"There's no way I would have sang Ghost to you. I did sing You Are My Sunshine but it was just letting you know how much I loved you, unlike the former which would have told you it was ok to go. It wouldn't have been ok at all." Sebastian tightened his arms around Kurt. "It'll never be ok." After breathing Kurt in for a spell, he spoke again. Kurt didn't interrupt or ask more questions, letting Sebastian get all of this off his chest. "I sang you a new song, one I wrote you."
"Can you sing it for me now?" Kurt asked.
Sebastian pressed his forehead to Kurt's and did as he asked, not breaking eye contact with him. When he finished, Kurt snuggled in closer to Sebastian's chest. "I'm so sorry for scaring you so much, it was never my intention. I think... I think I lost my memories in self-defense. I remember being so terrified for you when I got home and saw how sick you were. I had called you and couldn't reach you, leaving a desperate voicemail at one point even. I saw that car coming and I knew that if I didn't get back to you in time, you'd be gone. I think some part of me thought you were dead and anything that soaked through in my coma was just my brain dealing with the idea that you were gone. Thankfully Santana is who she is."
"Voicemail?" Sebastian questioned, unable to deal with the rest of it it right away. "I didn't get a voicemail." Then again, Sebastian's mailbox had been so full, that he hadn't gotten Santana's first voicemails either, the older ones were deleted automatically to make room for new ones.
"I'll sing it for you now. It's one of the songs that I've been humming without knowing it or why." He sang You Are the Reason to Sebastian, it had been something he'd sung on the phone to Sebastian once he got into his hotel room that fatal weekend of their anniversary and after their latest fight. He hadn't reached Sebastian and hadn't heard anything in return. He'd already made his decisions and had been coming home.
Sebastian understood that all now. His heart was beating happily in his chest and he had never loved Kurt more. They really were going to be ok. They were both so stupidly in love with each other and knew that it was dumb to stay together but would never do anything differently. They brought out the worst things in each other in some people's opinions but they also brought out the best in each other for each other and for others too. Sometimes things just worked despite appearing to be wrong in other's eyes and others didn't have to understand it if it was right for them and they were happy together. All couples went through hardships and they were determined to be the few that made it out on the other side every time.
"My dad's come a long way." Kurt mused out loud, mainly to himself with some humor in his tone.
"It took some doing but he's realized just how much I love you and not only that, he's finally seen how much you love me."
Kurt pulled away. "I hope I hadn't hidden that from anyone, especially you."
"No, I just thought sometimes that you chose your career over me but that was unfair considering you let me know from the beginning how much you were committed to your career goals and how you would do anything to achieve them."
"Oh Seb, never at the cost of you." Kurt took Sebastian's hands into his and held them tightly against his chest. "It took me a little while but once I knew I was going to be yours, despite any of my plans before then, I knew that you were always going to take the first place in my heart. I still tried to fight how much but you always won. I held onto my dreams too tightly and for too long. I was going to achieve them, I did achieve them on my own and also with you by my side. You only ever encouraged me and the dreams. I knew I could cut back and still feel satisfied and content with myself on that front and focus more on you and us and so I told Isabelle and Birdie I was pulling back on the career to spend more time with you and mending us."
"I wish you told me." It would have made things so much better between them to know he was at least putting action to words.
"I tried but you weren't listening and so I decided I would just show you. I was a bit upset though during our anniversary and so didn't handle that well and neither did you."
"I'm so sorry about that, more than you'll ever know." Sebastian tried to brush aside the tears that threatened to spill over.
"More than anything else, I understand it." Kurt allowed and Sebastian was thankful for the maturity and compassion Kurt possessed.
"Can we let go of the resentments we've held onto for too long?" Sebastian asked. "I promise to communicate better."
"I promise to do so as well." Kurt looked over Sebastian's face. "Are you ok with all of this? For me everything has slotted back into place and I'm able to digest the changes easier than I thought I would or could, but this has to be a big adjustment for you."
"I'm working through it. I didn't know if I would ever get the original you back but I've been adjusting to the things that come up for nearly a year now out of necessity and have surprised myself how well that's been going. I'll be ok and if I'm not, you'll be the first to know. For now, I'm just catching up."
Kurt nodded and sank into Sebastian's side. "Once again, time is what is needed to sort things out and see what happens."
Sebastian agreed with that, before it was for both of them but mainly Kurt and now it was for Sebastian.
"Do you have any of my clothes in your closet?" Kurt asked out of the blue as they just spent time together, sorting out their own thoughts while still physically close to the other.
"No, you've never made anything for me and I wouldn't fit into your clothes. Why?"
"Just checking." Kurt gave a small laugh that was meant for himself.
"It is something we've argued about before." Sebastian commented softly, having promised to air out the problems before they got worse. "It's actually hurt that you haven't. I get you would rather me without clothes all together and don't want to rip off your own creation from my body but I've always wanted to tout about with your clothes on my body. I've wanted to advertise your skill, support you and feel you close to me at all times, since your hands went in to clothing me. I understood it but hated it and now I feel more like Blaine than ever."
Kurt leaned up to kiss Sebastian's cheek before getting off the couch. "Wait here." He disappeared into his office/studio and then came back out with a handful of clothes. "I started designing and producing these months ago, even before my accident. I discovered them and the sketches that were obviously you. I've only added to them over the last few months, designs that weren't in there originally. I've wanted to mark you too, show the world in my own way that you were mine. I know what I said and that's still true but as we started splitting apart, the more I wanted to remind you of me by having myself laying on your form. Since waking up, it was more because I wanted to give you a part of me, reassure you that I'm right there, surround you with my love. I'm sorry that you ever once thought that you weren't important enough to me to dress. The truth is, I'd have probably only designed for you if I'd have let myself. The sketches going back started looking more and more like you with your build. As a chiefly woman's designer that's not exactly good for my career. Why do you think I started branching in men's wear?"
Sebastian picked through the looks that Kurt had brought over and laid on the coffee table. "Really? These were all designed for me?" He didn't recognize any of the garments as being part of any of Kurt's lines up to now but were definitely his. His heart was about to burst with the love he felt from Kurt. It would have been nice to know, just like a lot of other things, but it was being said now.
"All for you." Kurt agreed and sank down on the couch once more. "I was going to gift you all of the ones that I had finished at Christmas so you'd have them in your closet and be ready for the spring and summer. It's a little late now."
"I'll still wear every piece." Sebastian vowed, he would and would rock them just as Kurt had intended. They would only serve to warm his heart with every breath, glance in the mirror, glance down at the cloth covering his body. "Thank you, Kurt." Tears threatened to fall again and Kurt moved forward to kiss away the tears and Sebastian grabbed him against him, holding him close. "I love you so much." And he had always felt it but maybe never as much as now. There weren't any parts in Kurt's life that were denied to him any more.
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The Reason by Calum Scott