Chapter 37: No Man Is An Island
Astrid stood stunned. She almost didn't believe she'd heard Arkyn right the first time, but his expression couldn't have hid the truth even if he'd tried. Her eyes began to wander, taking in as much of her surroundings as they could, though there wasn't much to look at. "Th- this is Nomanisan?" The girl breathed.
Arkyn nodded but couldn't meet her gaze. "This is where I grew up. Or…what's left of it, I guess…" he trailed off.
They were standing on nothing but bare rock. The surface area was about half the size of Berk's arena, and any more dragons or people would have made the space feel crowded. If a cartographer on a passing ship had seen it from afar, they wouldn't even have bothered to make a note of its existence. It exuded a sense of pure insignificance. It was nowhere.
"Arkyn, I-" Astrid started hesitantly. "How did we end up here?"
The boy thought for a moment. "We weren't…we weren't paying attention to where we were going." It was becoming difficult for him to get words out. "I- I already had my suspicions that Stinger lived on Nomanisan before the attack just like me but I never had a way to confirm them. Now I know it's true. When a Triplestryke feels lost, its natural instinct is to fly home. We came too close by complete accident and…I suppose his instincts kicked in- except this isn't home. Not anymore…" There was a pause and the two looked towards the brown and yellow creature, who was currently scratching at the ground with his pinchers and whining quietly.
Arkyn knelt down and put a hand on his dragon's neck, trying his absolute hardest to be more patient with the Triplestryke this time. "Stinger we…we don't live here anymore." The sadness in his voice could've melted Gronckle Iron. "We can't be here anymore. We need to go home to Berk." The dragon whimpered again but made no efforts to move, much to Arkyn's dismay. He just couldn't take it anymore.
Months of healing and forgotten trauma came flooding back into the boy's mind all at once. Every wall he'd built up to protect himself violently crashed back to Earth and the emotions he'd been hiding away for so long were suddenly free. Arkyn could feel his soul shedding pieces of itself as images of his parents and the life they'd had there flashed across his vision. It had taken all of his energy to remain functional since the incident but he just couldn't keep up the act another second. At last, Arkyn gave up trying to hold himself together and just lost it…finally letting go of all the pent up stress he'd been burying so deep in his subconscious.
Astrid could do nothing but watch her betrothed unravel. She flinched as Arkyn collapsed to his knees, sharing his sense of hopelessness. It was difficult to witness, and the girl felt like she was frozen in suspension, as if she were on the outside of a window looking in. Suddenly, however, something thrust Astrid back into reality. It was something she'd been beginning to believe she'd never see.
Arkyn began crying.
But these weren't just silent tears that were barely allowed to escape, they were heavy, agonizing sobs that poured from the boy's tired eyes like water from a well. Arkyn had never cried in front of her before, and upon realizing what was happening, Astrid immediately rushed to his side and placed a hand on his back in an attempt to start comforting him. He saw that she was there and threw both of his arms around her without hesitation…so quickly, in fact, that he nearly tackled the girl the rest of the way to the ground. Arkyn sadly shut his eyes and dropped his head on Astrid's shoulder, clinging to her in a panic as if she would disappear right there in his grasp and blow away in the wind, leaving him with absolutely no one left to lean on.
He eventually spoke to her with choppy words, and a defeated tone took over his voice as he continued to wail with a mixture of desperation and shame. "I'm so sorry…"
Astrid wrapped him in a tight hug of her own, glancing down at him with a somber look that held hints of confusion. "Arkyn…what is there to be sorry for?" She asked quietly, rocking him back and forth ever so gently.
"I'm so sorry you have to see me like this…" There was a short, almost imperceptible pause. "I wanted to be a stronger man than this. Stronger for you…"
Astrid's heart sank. After all this time, Arkyn was finally allowing himself to truly open up to her…and he was apologizing. Astrid wasn't having any of it. "Don't you ever feel sorry about this, Arkyn Stryerson. You are not weak, and you will never face judgement from me for simply expressing yourself…" The exasperated teen used his full name for added effect, hoping he would take her words to heart.
There was a period of extended silence as Arkyn tried to process what he was feeling. "Astrid I wasn't ready to see this…" He choked after a while, almost going limp in the girl's embrace. "I wasn't ready to come back here…"
"I know." Astrid whispered. "I know…" She was fighting back tears of her own at this point. Having to watch someone she cared about so deeply relive their greatest tragedy was a crushing experience. There was no other way to describe it.
"Th- this used to be the peak of our tallest mountain." Arkyn tried to explain more about their situation. "It's the only thing that sits above the waterline now."
"Arkyn…just take it easy for a second. It's ok…"
"Our village rested at its base to the north. My family lived in a row of houses that were all meant for warriors like my father. On that night…I ran to the lifeboats tied down on the western shore and cast off before I was able to fully comprehend what was going on."
Astrid caught herself actively visualizing what that night must have looked like, piecing together the locations she saw with the description she heard. Now that she had seen a Screaming Death in person it became even easier…and more horrifying.
The boy continued. "The Triplestrykes were already long gone when the attack began…they must have felt it coming. There was debris floating everywhere, but of course the currents have washed it away now. There was screaming. There was fleeing. There was chaos. It was the middle of the night and dark as all hell. You couldn't see shit other than the occasional explosion. Some were melted in the dragon's flames, some were crushed when it tore through the ships, some drowned when the island sank, and some took one look at the beast and simply threw themselves on their swords…but I just kept running.I'll never know which of those fates befell my parents, but none of them were nice ways to go…"
"You don't have to talk about this." Astrid tried to spare him the memories. "I'm not asking you to go through this again."
"But I want to, Astrid." He was adamant. "I just…need you to know. I need you to know what happened here." There was another drawn out pause as more self reflection brought long suppressed thoughts to the surface. "Gods damn it, I'm such a coward."
"I've never heard anything more untrue." Astrid said quickly, wondering how he'd made this mental leap.
"My parents told me to leave them and I just did. I left them out of fear. I left them because I was scared. Gods, Astrid, why couldn't I have just stayed with them until the end?"
"Because then you would have died too…"
"And why didn't I?!" His voice got louder again as a wave of survivor's guilt and frustration hit him hard. "Why the hell didn't I?"
Astrid said nothing at first but instead tightened her grip around Arkyn, wanting nothing more than for him to just feel safe with her. "I know it may seem like some sort of sick joke from Loki to you right now…" she finally began, although her words came out slowly. "But there are some people who are really happy you made it off of Nomanisan alive that night…" The girl was referring to herself, of course. "And there are some people out there who are living a better life right now because you fell into it."
The boy crumbled to pieces at what she said as the internal conflict that was raging in his mind reached its peak. In that moment he needed Astrid more than he ever had before- certainly more than she would ever understand- and without even knowing it, she was there for him in exactly the way he needed her to be.
"I don't deserve a soul as kind as yours, Astrid." He said regretfully, gently pulling away from the girl for the first time since he'd started crying, though the tears were subsiding now. They kept an arm around one another as they sat on the stone slab, facing towards the now setting sun.
"Well if that's what you think, then I guess we're both lucky I'm the one who decides that…because I think you do." Astrid looked over his disheveled face, trying to calm him down once more, and for the most part, it was working. "I wasn't always this way…" She admitted. "…but I think some people are good at making each other better just by being there with them."
A tiny smile flashed across Arkyn's lips as he considered her words, but it didn't last long. "I wish I felt like I was doing that for you the same way you do it for me."
"You'll need to forgive yourself for whatever's going on inside your head before that, but I know you will one day. Until that day comes, all I can do is tell you that you do make me better, and you'll just have to believe me."
"I can do that." Arkyn said quietly. He glanced over at Astrid, and she glanced back to find his eyes once again remorseful. "And I promise to take you on another vacation sometime. I'm sorry…I really wanted this to be more special."
Astrid thought that finally seeing Arkyn's emotional side had been quite special enough anyway, but she didn't dare say it out loud considering how he must have been feeling right then. "Last I checked, we have all the time in the world for that…but for now I can be patient. Let's worry about it later…"
"Maybe next time we can go see the northern markets or something…" He trailed off, trying to occupy his mind with something else by thinking out loud. By now Arkyn's tears had completely dried up and another lengthy period of silence ensued as the boy began to gauge the position of the sun. "Astrid…?" He asked at last, noticing how low it hung in the sky.
"Yeah?"
"Can we go home now?" Arkyn's voice was small, and despite his best efforts, his tone still carried a pinch of mild embarrassment in it.
Astrid's brow peaked in the middle at the wholesomeness of her partner's request, and she hugged him once more to dispel the final remnants of his trauma. "Of course we can."
And with that, they stood up and mounted their respective dragons. Holding his breath, Arkyn leaned forward and patted Stinger on the side, hoping the Triplestryke would be more responsive by this point. "Stinger? Buddy? I know you know that Berk is the place we call home now…" Much to the boy's relief, Stinger lifted his head at this sentence, following Arkyn's commands more readily after he'd calmed down. "I'm sorry that you miss this place. I miss it too, but we'll have to make new memories somewhere else from now on. Let's get going, and tomorrow you'll get extra fish before the races." The creature needed no further prompting, and soon enough the two teens were airborne and heading in the direction of Berk. The ruins of Nomanisan Island receded dismally behind the horizon, and with them, so did that evening's troubles.
—
It was just past midnight when Arkyn and Astrid finally spotted Berk on the horizon once again, and the pair returned to find the hue of a blood moon blanketing the land below in an eerie shade of orange lighting. They soared quietly over the statues and watch towers that rested on the outskirts of the island and remained unseen as the final descent into Arkyn's backyard was made. The village was very much 'put to bed', and not a shred of evidence pointing to any sort of nightly banter presented itself as the two teens dismounted, placing their boots on soft Berkian grass for the first time since leaving that morning.
Arkyn sighed and rested his hands on his hips, stretching his legs and looking towards the back door of his modest home. This was not where he was expecting to end up that particular evening. "So here we are…" He said slowly, mentally kicking himself for his own carelessness. None of this ever would have happened if he'd just paid attention to a damn map.
"Yep." Astrid affirmed, exhaustion bleeding through her words. "Here we are…"
This was usually the part where they said goodbye. Astrid would have to leave because it was late and her parents would worry, and Arkyn would be left alone to try and figure out how to kill the remaining time until he could see her again. But Arkyn wasn't ready to be alone. The events of the day had left him damaged in a way that couldn't be healed by himself, and the boy realized he wanted- no, needed- nothing more in that moment than someone by his side. So he made up his mind and stopped Astrid before she started climbing back atop Stormfly, his heart still pounding.
"Astrid, I…I realize what time it is right now, and I know that you probably have to go home to your parents, but…" He hesitated, fearing she'd laugh at him or worse: be scared away by the nature of his request. What convinced Arkyn to push through, however, was the empty feelings he knew he'd have to endure after she left if he let her go. "…but can you please just stay with me? At least until I fall asleep?"
Astrid felt butterflies take off in her stomach as she registered what he'd said. The girl had never been able to stay with him before, but oh how she wanted to. Perhaps it was the perfect night for the occasion. "Well…as far as my parents are concerned, we're still on vacation right now. What would they know?" Astrid said innocently, immediately using the available loophole to try and be there for her partner as best she could. Her expression deepened with care, and her tone became more serious as she slowly stepped closer to him, reading the pain behind Arkyn's eyes. "I'm not going anywhere…I'll be here for as long as you need me." She paused as their hands met, a knowing expression populating her features. "We are betrothed, after all…"
"Well…" Arkyn said softly, finding it difficult to meet her eyes. "mostly…"
"Close enough." The girl cracked a weak smile as Arkyn led her through the back door, letting him know that the lack of a betrothal certificate didn't bother her in the slightest. Fond memories filled Astrid's head as she suddenly found herself back where it all started, pleasantly surprised to see that almost everything in the house seemed exactly as it was before.
Arkyn sat at the table and began unlacing his boots, looking up at Astrid as she reminisced. "I can bring down the ladder to the loft so you have a place to sleep." He said gently, wanting to respect her space as much as he could. The last thing he was trying to do was force her into a situation she wasn't ready for.
"I'm not going to make you do that." Astrid replied, glancing back at him. She had other plans for how she intended to fall asleep.
"Oh…well in that case, make yourself comfortable I suppose." Arkyn interpreted her response to mean that she wouldn't stay the whole night, and would instead leave once she'd made sure Arkyn got some rest. He certainly wasn't going to complain about such a prospect, but he thought back to how nice it had felt to wake up next to Astrid after the blizzard and wished to repeat it. Maybe another time though…
Astrid watched as the boy climbed into his bed after getting rid of the rest of his extraneous gear and quickly kicked off her own boots. The tension in the room had been rising gradually ever since they'd stepped foot in the house, but it was now at an obvious peak. Leaning into the mood, Astrid, who remained silent, walked slowly over to Arkyn's bedside, giving him a deeply affectionate, yet sorrowful look before carefully undoing the latch on her spiked skirt, letting it fall to the floor so that only her leggings remained.
Arkyn tried his best to hide his stunned expression as he then watched the girl ditch her pauldrons and finally lay in the bed next to him, drawing the covers over them both. "A- Astrid? What are you do-"
"Making myself comfortable." She said reassuringly. "It looked like you had room for one more. Just try and relax a little."
She turned over so that both teens were now laying on their sides, with Astrid facing the window while Arkyn looked towards the back of her head. The bed wasn't huge to begin with as it had been intended for Arkyn himself since he lived alone, but even still he was left with far less room than usual as he tried to remain on his half of the mattress so as to not disturb the girl in front of him. He saw the blankets over her rise and fall with each breath she took as an extended silence fell over them, and Arkyn began to wonder if she'd already nodded off, but finally she spoke again.
"You know…" Astrid said quietly, noticing Arkyn's awkwardness. "You can hold me…if you want…" She thought it was sweet that he was trying to leave her space, but she hadn't meant for Arkyn to feel like he couldn't touch her just because they were now in the same bed together. The girl added one more thing for good measure. "I- I think I'd sleep better."
That did the trick.
There was another brief pause, but soon enough Astrid felt an arm wrap around her middle and pull her close. She settled into Arkyn's body, enjoying his short breaths on her hair as her head came to rest below his. Astrid's left hand moved to clasp the one Arkyn was grasping her with, but it was disappointedly met with the cold leather of his gloves, which she hadn't seen him without since the day of their betrothal. However strange it was that he'd worn them to bed, Astrid supposed it was also understandable enough given who they'd come from and the day they'd just had.
Arkyn felt his hand get squeezed and he acknowledged the gesture groggily. "Hmm?"
"The blood moon is beautiful, don't you think?" The girl asked, trying to stay awake so she could enjoy the moment more consciously.
"I have to agree." Arkyn replied, but there was a noticeable hesitation in his words. "…Unfortunately there was a blood moon that night as well." He trailed off.
"Oh…I'm sorry, I didn't know." Astrid apologized sheepishly, embarrassed to bring Nomanisan up again.
"It's alright, you couldn't have." He said, figuring it would probably be good to talk about it more anyway. "A few of our villagers stayed up late to watch it cross the sky but I was never one for stargazing so I just went to bed. There was plenty of time to enjoy it from the lifeboat though. Once the island was gone, all you could see was that big, indescribably gorgeous blood moon hanging obnoxiously in the sky, a quiet observer of the Earth below. So hypnotic was its presence, one would never know anything was even wrong in the first place." He paused in thought, pondering the situation. "I wonder what will happen this time."
Astrid spoke quickly. "Nothing is going to happen this time, Arkyn. It's only a moon cycle…"
"I know that you're right, but part of me will always be superstitious I guess."
"I wouldn't have taken you for the type to be superstitious."
"I'm really not, Astrid. Poor word choice on my part, but a small piece of me still believes in fate."
The girl considered this for a moment. "Fate…" She repeated. "It would take a lot for me to start believing in stuff like that."
"Oh I used to say the same thing, but if being the sole survivor of an attack that wiped out a whole village isn't enough to get into fate, I don't know what is." There was a short pause. "I guess it's comforting in a strange sort of way. Like maybe if there's a good reason for why it happened to me then it wouldn't feel so bad."
"That's an interesting way of thinking about it." Astrid replied. "Either way, whether it was an accident that you ended up here or not, I know your parents would be really proud of how far you've come on your own."
There was an audible sigh from the boy next to her as the moment maintained its somber notion. "I've been starting to forget what they looked like…" He admitted sadly, hugging Astrid a little tighter. "Some days are better than others, but I can feel their faces leaving me just a bit at a time. The memories of my dad training me or my mom cooking in the evenings are losing their details. I think one day soon their features will be gone from my mind entirely only for the figures to replace them."
A tear rolled down Astrid's cheek and landed silently on the pillow as she listened. The teen couldn't imagine waking up one morning not even being able to picture her own parents. It was just heartbreaking to hear, but before she could say anything in response, Arkyn continued, his voice even softer now.
"It's more than just my parents, though. It's happening to everyone I ever knew. My Chief, his Chieftess, the sailors that used to come in on the ships every night after the daily catch, the friends I had in combat training, my other mentors, the trader, the watchmen, the dragon tamers…everyone. My whole tribe. They all run together now- all just people who used to be in my life and simply aren't anymore- nothing but images that flash across my vision from time to time with hopes of being remembered or immortalized in some way. But I just can't do it all."
Astrid slowly rolled over and repositioned herself so that the two were now facing each other before gently placing a hand on the back of Arkyn's head, running her fingers through his hair. The setting became even more intimate when she leaned in and allowed their foreheads to touch, closing her eyes as he did the same. "I'm so, so, so sorry…" She whispered, sharing in Arkyn's anguish for a long while.
"It's ok." He whispered back. "Now that I have you I'm going to be ok."
This got the girl's mind wandering away again. She thought about who Arkyn may have turned to when things weren't good before the attack. His first mention of having friends back on Nomanisan piqued her curiosity, but was it possible he'd also had someone who filled a role similar to her own? She opened her eyes again and pulled away slightly, giving herself room to talk.
"Arkyn?"
He blinked, looking at her intently.
"…did you ever know anyone like me when you were living on Nomanisan?" She continued.
"I've never met anyone like you, Astrid." Arkyn answered truthfully, but his response didn't seem to satisfy the teen across from him.
"That's…not what I meant." Astrid spoke slowly, trying to find the proper phrasing. "Did you ever have anyone that you thought about in the same way you first thought about me?"
Arkyn was mildly confused. "I- um…wouldn't have guessed you wanted to hear about anything like that." He hoped she wasn't seeking someone to be jealous of.
"I just don't know much about what your life was like before you came here. Now that we're betrothed I'd like to at least respect your past a little more…"
The boy hesitated, but eventually gave in once he realized that Astrid was serious. "…there was a girl that used to live next door to me and my family. Her name was Eve. We knew each other when we were younger but didn't really spend any time with one another until well into our combat training. She was a full year older than me which meant I was in the class below hers, and she actually earned the rank of soldier as well as her ceremonial sword just a few months before the Screaming Death showed up. But anyway…as it happened, she was at the top of her class and I was at the top of mine, and one day a few years ago, people suddenly started to notice."
He hadn't thought about Eve in a damn long time, but now that Arkyn had to recount the memories, he began to stumble over his words as his voice became shaky, almost feeling embarrassed that he missed her. "Sometimes our two classes would have to spar with each other. I managed to beat everybody else in her year except her…I could never beat her. She'd always been better than me. But we laughed about it. All the boys that were her own age pulled everything out of the book to try and be with her and yet she just wouldn't say yes to any of them. Instead it would be me who hung out with her at the docks, where we'd dip our feet in the water when the weather was too hot and talk about what life would be like when our training was over…"
Arkyn took a moment to collect himself so it didn't look like he was too attached. "It was easy to escape to each other because of our shared interests and skill, but even though we lived very similar lives, everything we did…we only did as friends. There was one night about a year ago that I finally decided to open up to her about my feelings. She said that she liked me too but also wasn't ready to be with someone who was younger than her because she was worried about what other people might say. We talked for a while…and then she told me to ask her again once I'd turned 16 and we'd both become soldiers. Eve promised that she would wait for me until the time was right, but we never made it. That was that. I suppose it wasn't meant to be. The last I saw of her, she was sprinting towards the docks one final time with her parents in tow…" He paused as he lost his internal battle, and unable to stop himself, his eyes became damp once again. "…and now she's dead."
"Arkyn, I- I had no idea…" The boy's last line hit Astrid like a ton of bricks. I was so absolute. So painfully real. It was obvious that he had cared not only for this girl but for so many others, and then they'd been taken away from him too soon. There was nowhere to go looking for them and no way to bring them back. They were just gone- no chance to say goodbye or extra time to tie up loose ends. They'd simply vanished in the blink of an eye and left Arkyn to move forward on his own. And he'd done it. Astrid would never understand exactly how. "You need to give yourself a chance to mourn her…"
"I already did, Astrid. Eve and I had our days together but I had to give her up a long time ago. Looking at the girl in front of me right now, though, I can see it was all for the better. Because even though I'm at my absolute lowest, you're still here protecting me instead of in your own bed getting a decent night's rest."
"And I'll always be here, right where you need me." Astrid replied quickly. Learning about Eve hadn't fazed her one bit, and if she was being honest with herself, almost anything Arkyn told her made her feel closer to him, because she knew it meant he was feeling safer with her, which was all she wanted. After all of his loss, every second Astrid spent with Arkyn felt a little bit more special, and she savored each precious moment they had for even she knew that nothing lasted forever, no matter how much she wanted this to.
Suddenly, Arkyn's hand moved from Astrid's lower back to her neck as he stared deeply into her ice blue eyes. A stronger connection than ever before existed between the two of them, and it caused a new feeling to rise within Arkyn's heart. It was one he'd been wanting to discover forever but hadn't quite come to know yet. It was a leap to something beyond immediate comprehension, and he didn't know how to handle it right away.
"Astrid, I-" Arkyn began, but he stopped himself. What he'd been meaning to say had died in his throat, and he just couldn't get the words out. Instead he pulled her in and their lips met in a passionate kiss, the woes of the past 24 hours leaving them all at once.
Goosebumps shot down Astrid's spine as the cold leather of Arkyn's gloves once again made contact with her bare skin, and in an instant she simply let herself be taken away by his spontaneity. It was an enjoyable, intimate kiss that lasted for quite some time- almost enough time for Astrid to completely disregard what Arkyn had started to say beforehand, but not quite. Something was still nagging in the back of her head. What was he going to say? She wondered, all sorts of possibilities presenting themselves. "Astrid, I-…what?" A big part of her hoped she knew the right answer…but what if she'd tried to say it back and it had been the wrong answer? What if it wasn't time yet? What if it scared him away?
The girl kept silent at first, only smiling once they'd separated, too nervous to ask him about it. There was a strange pit in her stomach that was filled in by a mixture of affection and anxiety, but now wasn't the time to treat it. It had been a long day. Astrid had finally gotten Arkyn to let himself grieve, and despite his best efforts over the past few months to prove otherwise, even he followed his tribe's old rule that No Man Is An Island. Arkyn couldn't see it yet, but it was all true…nobody could ever be strong enough to live life, handle its complexities, overcome its challenges, and achieve its rewards completely on their own. It just wasn't possible. Emotions were a prerequisite and connections were a necessity. Nobody had to fight alone.
A decisive wave of exhaustion crashed over Astrid all at once, and since she was satisfied with what she'd done with her day, however tumultuous it was, she eventually gave into her brain's cries for a break. "Arkyn, look, I'm really tired…" she trailed off, knowing he would get the hint.
"Of course." He said, quickly releasing her so that he kept to his half of the bed once again. "We should get some sleep before we have to go dragon racing."
"Holy Thor. Don't let go, you dork." She shot sarcastically, pulling him back in before resting her head on his chest. She draped her legs over his and soon they were nestled comfortably into each other's bodies, cuddling together as they drifted off to sleep.
"Thank you for staying…" were the last lazy words that Arkyn spoke before he slipped out of consciousness, deciding as he held onto his betrothed that there was no better way to meet the dream world.
AN: This is a special upload for me! As of the time I'm posting this chapter, I have officially been working on this story for 1 year since I released the very first chapter. ALSO as of today, my viewer count for this story is sitting at 10,045! Never did I expect to reach the 10K mark when starting this. The fact that so many people have even found my words to begin with is both impressive and humbling. Thank you all. It gives me the motivation I need to keep writing. So there's the news…nothing else to say for now other than please enjoy chapter 37, and please review if you feel so inclined! I could always use the feedback. See you soon.