[SESSION NUMBER 2]
Cut to: A campsite in the middle of the forest. The time is about midnight. The sound of rustling is heard in some nearby bushes as a small armada of North American wildlife enter the scene. Skunks, raccoons, opossum, voles, moles and even a black bear proceed to lay waste to the area.
Cut to: The next morning, the two campers survey the damage. Yet rather than shake their heads and share a look of deep disgust, they turn to one another with earnest beams and proclaim in unison "Well, this is thrilling."
"LIKE HEY IT IS!" comes a booming voice over followed by a buzzer sound effect as a giant red 'X' is stamped over the screen.
Cut to: Stock footage of guests enjoying their day at the WankyLand park.
"FOR REAL THRILLS THIS SUMMER, COME ON DOWN TO WANKYLAND! WE GOT MORE EXCITEMENT THAN YOU'LL KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ON THE ENTIRE WEST COAST*; ROLLER COASTERS, ESCAPE ROOMS, WATER SLIDES, WAVE POOLS, INTERACTIVE ADVENTURES, ALL YOU'RE FAVORITE CHARACTERS, AND SO! MUCH! MOOOOOORRRREEE! SERIOUSLY! WHY ARE YOU STILL WATCHING THIS AD!? GET YOUR TICKETS OR SEASON PASS TODAY FOR YOUR CHANCE AT ENOUGH FUN TO MAKE YOUR SKULL IMPLODE! AND IT CAN ONLY HAPPEN AT WANKYLAND!"
*At least outside of California.
Dr. Bliss looked up from her computer screen at Thaddeus Gammelthorpe as he stared at the ceiling of her office. In deep contrast to his emotionless demeanor, she could only let out a demure smile at the advert which had just played on her computer. Additional ads for WankyLand showed up in her feed as the commercial she had watched came to an end.
"They had a rather successful campaign with that premise." Curly finally said.
"I can see that." Dr. Bliss replied scrolling through the options. " 'Woods', 'Grandma and Grandpa', 'Campfire Songs and Smores', 'Road Trip', 'Summer School'…clearly they went to town on this."
"Oh! Summer School." Curly chuckled nostalgically. "That was the one that always played during commercial breaks [in] between The Wheel."
"Well then..." Dr. Bliss said giving a click to the thumbnail above the title 'WankyLand: 'Well, this is thrilling!' (Summer School).
After the obligatory sound of a school bell, the scene cut to a profusely perspiring professor (clad in the stereotypical corduroy jacket with the arm patches and all) droning in front of a chalkboard covered in E=MC Hammer style math problems. Flanking him were a dunce cap and three-legged stool on his left and a life-sized plastic skeleton on his right while a giant wooden desk obscures everything below his waist. As the camera panned around his captive audience of bored delinquent middle school cliches, a boy passes a girl a note with the words 'Well, this is thrilling' scrawled in blue ink before leading into the contrasting fun WankyLand had to offer.
"Grandpa Thaddeus loved The Wheel, and like I said, that apparently was the only version of that commercial that played."
"Yeah…and you'd mentioned last time that tickets there was his last gift to you for your birthday."
Curly snorted and let out a small cold chuckle.
"But you told me before you left-" Began Dr. Bliss.
"-that 'in one final moment of cognizant thought before he croaked, he had managed to get one cool gift for my birthday.' I know. I know…"
(Flashback)
[The cake had been consumed, the candles put aside in the cupboard, and Curly slowly drifted off to sleep. While it wasn't the happiest of birthdays all in all (given that earlier in the week, his grandpa had been buried), the smile on Curly's face was palpable; after a family dinner at the Tri-State Diner, the Gammelthorpes honored their son's day of birth by bringing home a rather hearty Bavarian cream cake with chocolate ganache and gave him a few decent presents to mark the occasion. But it was Grandpa's gift that threw a wrench into the night. Two tickets to WankyLand.]
Curly: […The dirty secret to a gift from Grandpa was that he would find a way to ensure that your joy came at someone else's expense. It was just one of those games he liked to play for the hell of it. I, the green little lad, possessed no such knowledge of this at the time and was thrilled beyond measure over going to WankyLand that weekend. But my parents knew differently.]
[Meanwhile downstairs, as Monica and Lawrence cleaned up the kitchen, the feeble front they put up while their son was awake to enjoy his birthday started to crumble. While it was evident that Curly was happy with his late Grandfather's gift, the two of them began to engage in a marital cold war over who would chaperone their son that weekend.]
Curly: [Even with his duff in the dirt, Grandpa Thaddeus still found a way to twist the knife one last time for his youngest daughter and son-in-law. Like I said, Lawrence and Monica are very pedestrian people to begin with. Considering that they both shared an aversion to such forms of entertainment, what final cruel joke could be more fitting than amusement park tickets? Especially after this year long endeavor of taking in the old man already took its toll on every possible facet of their lives…he knew what he was doing because he'd win either way…
(Curly holds out one hand)
…take Curly for a weekend at WankyLand and suffer, or…
(Curly holds out the other hand)
…deny Curly what may arguably be the best birthday gift a kid could ask for and be seen as bad parents, thus setting off another chapter of generational discord and trauma.]
"So…who wound up taking you?"
"Mom." Curly replied flatly. "Even with the built-in excuse of having to operate the ice cream parlor, the two of them had a very intense game of Ro-Sham-Bo. It started out as a best two out of three, which became three out of five, six out of ten, seven of twelve…until finally she caved."
"And if you could describe the day in one word-"
"Letdown." The bowl-cut boy replied without so much as a blink. "I mean, sure it began with such high hopes. After all, you saw the commercials and the rides they featured: Yukon Jack's Avalanche of Doom, Liquid Scream, The Soul Stopper 7,000, Escape from Antioch Waterslide, Tricky Dick's Wet-n'-Wild Water Heist of 1967…and I was gonna ride them all!"
(Flashback)
["Sorry kid. Just barely reach the height bar…."]
["…Bummer. Missed it by an inch. Maybe next year m'dude…"]
["…Perhaps if you had someone accompany you…"]
["…Maybe your mom would like to come along…"]
["…Whadd'ya say ma? Gonna ride with the boy?...]
Curly: [At each turn mom turned green and bolted to the bathroom over the mere thought of being within six feet of these things. Sometimes she got to the bathroom successfully, but most times she didn't. Either way, the only water-based thrills that came with the day involved watching the toilet or the maintenance crew wash away the bile she expelled, and with it, whatever excitement I had clearly wasted in the day. But stupidly, I failed to realize this was only the beginning.]
Dr. Bliss let out an inquisitive hum.
(Flashback)
Curly: [WankyLand had plenty of restaurants to choose from, but as far I was concerned, the crown jewel was The Sundae Best Café located the deep smack in the heart the Toon-Towne District. Ooooooh, there it stood like a cathedral of confectionary delights; columns of candy cane by the main entranceway composed of two chocolate brownies with a button shaped candy for doorknobs. Life size fiberglass statues of all your favorite cartoons. Pillars in the shape of cheeseburgers holding the building up. plush seating. And to top it all off…a roof that looked like…like…that one building in every photo of Russia almost out of obligation.]
"St. Basil's?" Dr. Bliss asked.
"Yeah. Picture that, but as an ice cream sundae."
"No kidding."
"The wonders didn't cease upon entering." The lad continued. "One's bill of fare included (but wasn't limited to) 2/3lb chicken cutlets or freshly ground burgers made from beef as well as buffalo, elk, ostrich, wild boar upon request, fried seafood/chicken, stuffed crust pizzas, stuffed hotdogs, crab fries, Barbecue, twelve different types of fountains serving soda from all over the world, a deluxe make-your-own nacho bar... of course with a place called Sundae Best there just had to be an obligatory soft serve sundae station, premium milkshakes, AND dessert buffet, featuring four different fondue fountains: your choice of dark, white and milk chocolate as well as sea salt caramel!"
"Wow. You are making me hungry just thinking about it." Dr. Bliss replied.
"I KNOW RIGHT!?" Curly exclaimed. "Imagine being there in real life."
"And I take it this too ended in disappointment?"
Curly slowly turned his head to Dr. Bliss with a deeply rueful look, almost insulted she even had to ask.
(Flashback)
[He stared at the Sundae Best café like a cat someone kicked out of a fish market. The last morsel of a squashed and somewhat soggy ham and cheese sandwich sat in his hand, and while he could have finished it in one go, each act of mastication was an ordeal from hell. Making things worse was the running and unwanted commentary of his mother, muttering in between each bite she took from her sandwich or swig of water.]
["…and twenty-five dollars for a burger? It better be covered in gold! Seriously, who does my father think he is sending us here? It's bad enough he knew this kind of crap nauseates me beyond all measure...and Lawrence, I swear each day he gets more and more complacent in that frigid hell of a parlor…but it's all worth it right? Thaddeus better be having a good time when we're through here because I've already lost five pounds with all the puking today…"]
"That's…actually kind of sad…" Dr. Bliss said sympathetically.
"You don't say." Curly replied in a quiet but curt tone. "But, it wasn't like we did…nothing…"
(Flashback)
["WE HAVE A WINNAH!"]
Curly: ["WankyLand had plenty of game booths; but let's be real, so does your dinky, local, fly-by-night carnival. The prizes were better but it wasn't like I was going to walk home with a premium stuffed animal or an air rifle…no, instead I won the booby prize; 1,389 WankyLand pencils. And of course, I got a long-winded sermon all the way home about how I had to share them with my peers. Luckily, I managed to get through all of elementary school using the damn things without mom or dad being the wiser that they were mine. Mine, MINE!]
Silence strangled Dr. Bliss' office as a torrent of rage fomented within Curly. As he wrathfully trembled, the therapist thumbed through the child's disciplinary history before reaching the first of many incidents that would cement his status as PS 118's resident oddball: a frame job involving a false fire alarm, a jar of peanut butter and the gnawed WankyLand pencil stub resting a stone's throw away on her desk.
"But then…came…EUGENE!" He roared. "The walking accident just HAD to have it for one of his tests, and while I wanted oh so badly to tell him to BUGGER OFF…no, oh, no, no, no! Both my mom and dad's voices telling me to share and get along with my classmates barreled through the time space continuum as if to exorcise such thoughts from my subconscious. So, in the end, against EVERY! FIBER! OF! MY! BODY! I gave the little jinx the LAST WankyLand pencil I had in my possession. LAST! As in that's it! No more! So long! Do Svidaniya! And after 3 months, 2 weeks and four days, HOW AM I REPAID DOCTOR? HOW AM I REPAID FOR MY ACT OF SACRIFICE, BENEVOLENCE AND PHILANTHROPY TO MY FELLOW MAN!? With a gnawed nubblet followed by an unceremonious 'oH, hErE cUrLy." AS IF IT WAS NO BIG DEAL! All I could think about was Eugene writing with my pencil, Eugene chewing on my eraser and Eugene... Sharpening! Sharpening! SHARPENING! I couldn't take it just lying down. I had to do something. So I got this plan, see - the fire alarm. I'd pull it, and then I'd frame Eugene for the crime! All I needed to do was plant the right clues. The peanut butter, the glasses and to top it all off, the pencil! Bingo! He'd be branded for life!"
Though she couldn't show it, Fear came upon Dr. Bliss as she watched her charge descend into a frothing madness. To distract herself, she continued to read the disciplinary report; particularly the factors which had arisen in the ensuing aftermath of the incident that erased whatever malicious innuendos lingered around Eugene. To begin with, WankyLand's pencils were notoriously shoddy. As such, sharpening them down to nothing was an all too common (and all too unfortunate) occurrence for anyone using them.
As for using the eraser as a chew toy, Eugene admitted that it was a bad habit he had picked up because the class in question was beginning to agitate him. Nonetheless, despite the frame job Curly had pulled on him, an attempt was made on Eugene's part at mending fences with the perturbed preteen all those years ago via an apology letter…one that crashed and burned when Curly ate the note rather than accept his contrition.
"You didn't have to be a rocket scientist to know my mom and dad weren't the happiest of campers when they found out." Curly concluded broodingly. "Not only had I hoarded something that was mine to begin with, but I framed a student for a crime I committed. I was forced to spend every weekend for the foreseeable future cleaning out the attic as punishment. A short-sighted decision when all was said and done…"
Before Dr. Bliss could ask, the Gammelthorpe boy's mouth curled into a hideous smile. His voice got eerily quiet, and he leaned so uncomfortably close to the doctor that each could see the other's pores.
"…for you see Dr. Bliss: in doing so, Mommy and Daddy unwittingly gave me the ammunition to blow up all the lies they built our little family upon."