"Let's begin with arguably the biggest shock for me." Curly began as he put his feet on the little table in her office. "The fact that Dad was what the ladies might call a tall glass of water back in the day."
Dr. Bliss gave the boy a quizzical look.
"You know, a hunk. A stud. Clearly the farthest of cries from the heap of flab he is now." The boy clarified. "But the reality of the situation was that all the good looks God could bestow were wasted on Lawrence Gammelthorpe considering that he was a romantically oblivious young man who even back then had the charisma and passion of a rice cake. Yet none of this mattered to Aunt Wanda who continued to delude herself into thinking she would somehow cut through the layers upon layers of insensibility and walk away with his heart…
You spurn my natural emotions
You make me feel I'm dirt and I'm hurt
(Diary of Wanda Sherb)
…The only way to get on Lawrence's radar appears to be a struggling student. Lucky for me, my midterm grades aren't exactly something to write home about, and as it so happens, we have the same rocks-for-jocks prerequisite science class this semester (granted, his being the 8am class mine the one at noon). He's not the smartest in the class, but he holds his own enough that I could reasonably ask him to tutor me…also working in my favor is that one of the few empty seats just so happens to be near his desk. It was like fate wanted this.
If only he saw it the same way though.
Word around campus is that when it comes to girls Lawrence is quite the little monk. But I've never been one to turn down a challenge. Stay tuned…
And if I start a commotion
I run the risk of losing you and that's worse
[Lawrence struggles to get the closet in his dorm open, ignoring Wanda who watches from outside. He finally opens the closet, and a bunch of love notes fall out. He walks away, and with a frustrated grunt, Wanda ducks down.]
(Diary of Wanda Sherb)
…Three semesters have passed and that little nagging voice asking why I'm still doing this only seems to get louder and louder. There's being uninterested in courtship, then there's being DENSE! And it's not like I've been subtle in making my feelings known. The closet full of love letters was only one of many tricks up my sleeve. Whenever we had dances, I'd ask if he had plans. Every Valentine's Day there's a cake for him from me like clockwork. Of course, I nuked my already sub-par academic standing just so I can have a shot at being in his social circle…and yet that aloof stare of his. Oh if looks could kill, he'd be a murderer of my heart, my soul and my loins. And I'm filled with a fire to keep on going! The question now is, what next?...
Ever fallen in love with someone
Ever fallen in love, in love with someone
Ever fallen in love, in love with someone
You shouldn't have fallen in love with?
(Diary of Wanda Sherb)
…Tomorrow's trip to Pollock's Paintball Park has an extra guest. Monica. Apparently, another potential Mr. Wonderful stood her up and she's been a depressed wreck ever since. And considering that use of the car hangs in the balance, it's not like I got all that much of a choice in the matter. Life's unfair…
[Wanda, Lawrence, and some mutual friends arrive at the first Pollock's Paintball Park. Yet as the rest of the group enthusiastically grabs their gear and begins to survey the recreations of a ruined city which pass for their area of play, Lawrence half-heartedly fires at a couple of people before taking a projectile to the chest. The only empty space appears to be at one of the tables next to a quiet looking girl reading a guide to learning stenography.]
["You did rather poorly." She remarks without looking up from her book. "I take it you had your arm twisted into coming here?"]
["Yeah, Chris and Mike were looking to hit the bar after this with Wanda. They needed a designated driver so here I am. How about you?"]
["Mom and dad feel I'm too much of a homebody. So against Wanda's wishes here I am."]
["Oh. I'll let you get back to your studying then." (Monica looks quizzically at Lawrence) "You looked really invested in that Steno book. Naturally, I thought you had a test or-"]
["Nah, I just said that so I wouldn't have to engage with anyone on this trip. You seem cool though. Name's Monica."]
[Lawrence. Lawrence Gammelthorpe."]
I can't see much of a future
Unless we find out what's to blame, what a shame
(Diary of Wanda Sherb)
…Monica! My own flesh and blood. After all the work I put into wooing him, how, HOW can he see romantic potential in my dishrag of a sister. But then again…
And we won't be together much longer
Unless we realize that we are the same
[Lawrence and Monica share a chaste kiss before heading out on a date. As his car peels off down the street, Wanda ruefully stares out the window.]
(Diary of Wanda Sherb)
"…The clarity of hindsight is a bittersweet elixir; the more I see him and Monica saunter about with all the raw, unbridled passion of a wet paper towel, the more I realize how much time I wasted trying to woo him. Those two deserve each other…But then I see his face, his handsome, ivory-carved-by-angels face, and to think she gets to kiss those lips and feel her body in his well-toned arms…it's like all the work I've done goes up in ashes…
Ever fallen in love with someone
Ever fallen in love, in love with someone
Ever fallen in love, in love with someone
You shouldn't have fallen in love with
SAVE THE DATE:
You're invited to celebrate the joining in holy matrimony of Monica Ashley Sherb and Lawrence Howard Gammelthorpe on October 19th 1985 at 2pm.
Reception to follow: 5pm at the Maid Marian Inn. 96 Bartlett St. Tono, WA.
You disturb my natural emotions
You make me feel I'm dirt and I'm hurt
[As the church bell tolled, Monica and Lawrence rushed from the church's front doors to the limo in a hail of bubbles and rice, each beaming with marital bliss as they seem to glide down the main stairs. A photographer captures the scene with his camera from his spot behind the limo set to usher them to the banquet. Occupying the bottom right corner is Wanda who in deep contrast to the ocean of joyous well-wishers, rolls her eyes and crosses her arms in deep disgust at the spectacle of her younger sister's matrimonial good fortune.]
And if I start a commotion
I'll only end up losing you and that's worse
["Flight 0806 to San Lorenzo. Now Departing."]
[Wanda Sherb emotionlessly rises with the rest of the Helpers for Humanity group. Unlike the rest of the volunteers, she makes no final goodbye gesture to Hillwood but instead walks onto the jet bridge with all the emotion of a wind up doll. Ahead of her is a strapping, blonde scientist and an auburn-haired botanist whose expressions of affection fill her with revulsion as she takes the first window seat she can as far as she could while still staying with the group.]
(Diary of Wanda Sherb)
"…fooling my way into Helpers for Humanity was one thing. They're always looking for idealistic pie-eyed types at the job fair held on campus. Sure, my grades weren't the most stellar, but I said enough of the right things and here I am on their grunt crew on my way to spread free healthcare in Mexico or whatever. It's not the life I expected, but adventure never knocks on the doors of the content…"
Ever fallen in love with someone
Ever fallen in love, in love with someone
Ever fallen in love, in love with someone
You shouldn't have fallen in love with?
Ever fallen in love with someone
Ever fallen in love, in love with someone
Ever fallen in love, in love with someone
You shouldn't have fallen in love with?
(Diary of Wanda Sherb)
…True to what I had heard from the native Green Eyes, the shaman's hut was indeed at the edge of a large waterfall. With what little I knew of the language, I showed the shaman a wedding picture of my sister and her husband. Shaman mashed some berries in a bowl and mixed some sand and bones together in it once they were pulverized into a deep red juice. Inviting me to chant with him, he burned the wedding photo over the bowl. The ashes falling into the contents. With a final ululation, he took nine scoops and put them in the hollowed out skull of a coyote which her buried at the bank of the river. With a smile, he then told me in the few broken words of English he knew that one can't get something for nothing and that he had a favor to ask of me now…
Ever fallen in love with someone
Ever fallen in love, in love with someone
Ever fallen in love, in love with someone
You shouldn't have fallen in love with?
Fallen in love with
Ever fallen in love with someone
You shouldn't have fallen in love with
[Monica and Lawrence open the envelope from the Helpers for Humanity. Her face immediately goes from shocked to sad as she reads of its contents before passing them onto her husband. Wanda's payment to the shaman was to retrieve a ceremonial necklace purloined by a notorious band of river pirates. Her one-woman mission ended as tragically as expected and her body would be returned to be buried in the United States…]
"…In the end, news of Wanda's death angered the elder Thaddeus, who saw his child's decision to join Helpers For Humanity in the first place as a response for Lawrence marrying the wrong Sherb sister." Curly concluded. "Between him being driven mad by grief, while Monica and Lawrence had their hands full as expectant parents, Grandma Mildred took care of Aunt Wanda's funeral arrangements, right down to interment at the cemetery located in the nunnery she had taken her vows at upon divorcing Thaddeus years ago."
"Last summer after the San Lorenzo trip, I wound up doing some research into the kind of voodoo spell Aunt Wanda asked of that shaman." Curly said. "Apparently, it was a curse originating from an unknown indigenous group one inflicts upon a child to give them an untamed spirit."
Dr. Bliss took a deep breath then looked at the clock.
"That was…quite the story you just told me. And while I'd like to examine this a little more, our session for today is over. I will see you next week."
Staring down from her office and watching Curly get into Lawrence's car, an eerie feeling begins to stir within her. Over the years, children had tried to weasel their way out of accountability for their actions with long-winded, almost epic and winding tales, but this was a whole other level: Central American voodoo, vindictive siblings in law, paintball games, love triangles, frame jobs, business rivalries and cheap amusement park pencils…it felt like something more out of a cartoon than real life.
Next week's session would be more grounded in reality.