A/N: so here is a quick update. I'm in the middle of moving and dealing with a minor concussion, so writing is slow. Not to mention I have limited access to the internet. I'll updated again once I have things a bit more settled and a little more time, but I hope you all enjoy this chapter!
Chapter Ten
"What's the matter?"
Meredith arched a brow from her spot on the bed as she watched her husband get ready to sleep. Marty had been balling his socks up for a good few minutes, not really paying attention to what he was doing. His eyes were tight in thought, had been since they had left Sarah's for the night. He was a million miles away and Meredith thought it was about time to bring him back down to Earth.
"Hmm?" Marty grunted, before snapping back to himself and tossing his socks to the hamper in the corner, "Nothin'. Worn out, is all."
"Mmhmm." Meredith hummed in disbelief, "You've been worn out since you were born. Try again."
Marty rolled his eyes as he slid next to his wife. Her expectant stare burned a hole in the side of his face before he sighed, "He's not what I expected."
"Who? Connor?"
"Mmm." He grunted again, "He loves that kid."
Meredith smiled faintly as he heard the muted disgruntlement in her husband's voice.
Connor had been so sweet with both the boys, easily becoming a third playmate as Sarah finished getting dinner ready. It had been plain to see that he was enamored with his son and even easier to see just how much Callum adored him in return. It was a good thing. A beautiful thing in her book. Though she could see how unsettling such a big change - such as this new relationship could be.
"He should. Callum's a good boy." Meredith said stoutly, "He deserves a father who loves him."
Marty's lips quirked up at his wife's conviction, but he couldn't help but feel uneasy. It all just seemed so fast. He didn't want to see Callum or Sarah get hurt if Connor disappeared on them... but then by the wistful glint that had entered the surgeon's gaze anytime he looked at Sarah for more than a few seconds, Marty doubted the boy would be going anywhere. Especially not with the way he had been enraptured by his little mini-me
He sighed, "He loves her too."
Meredith hummed, "You saw that, huh?"
"I think the only one who didn't see it was Sarah." Marty said as he shifted to lay on his back, "Boy is smitten... I don't get it."
"Why wouldn't he be smitten with our Sarah? She's a beautiful girl." Meredith swiftly rebuked him. She prodded his shoulder, irritated that he would think such a thing about their neighbor.
"Ow! Woman, you'll leave a bruise." Marty swatted at her hand as he defended himself, "I meant I don't get why he left in the first place."
The huff of exasperation his wife emitted was old hat as he raised his gaze in time to catch her eye roll, "I've been telling you that there's more to it. Sarah has played her own part in this whole mess."
"Egh." Marty scrunched his pillow as he dismissed her words almost immediately, "Still think the boy's a bit of a moron. You love someone that much, you fight for 'em."
"Because everything's that simple." Meredith said so dryly that Marty was sure it made sand feel wet.
He glowered lightly at her as she merely arched a brow back, "I'd fight for you."
Meredith snorted, but patted his cheek tenderly, "Sweet... What if the fight was between me and your mother's chocolate cake?"
Marty paused, "Debatable. Ma made a hell of a cake."
"I know. I'd choose the cake." Meredith murmured, a sly glint entering her eye as she waited for her husband's reaction.
"Hey!"
She could only laugh.
"Why do you have hair on your chest?"
"Callum, that's rude." Sarah chastised quietly as she pulled extra blankets from the closet. The temperature was supposed to drop even further that night and she didn't need to freeze in the living room if the radiator went out... again.
Connor had emerged from the bathroom in a pair of sweatpants as they all got ready for bed. It had been a vivid reminder to her that he had often preferred sleeping naked – though in fairness the warm weather in Mexico made sleeping in clothes almost unbearable. He had an undershirt resting on his bag and it would honestly be the most dressed she had ever seen him for bed... She just hadn't even thought about the effect of his half-naked state on their son... or herself.
She wasn't completely oblivious to his subtle flirting.. but flirting was kind of like a second language for him, so she never put much stock in it. It was like he was trying to tempt her now, however. Connor had never been out of shape, but he had been much lankier when they had dated. Now he had muscle definition where he hadn't before, and she felt a flush crawling up her neck at the sight. It had been a long time since she had sex.
She swallowed tightly and became very interested in the knitted weave of her blue blanket.
Connor merely chuckled at the question as Callum swung uncertain eyes between his parents. He wasn't sure what he had done to warrant his mother's censor, she was usually very open to his questions.
"I have hair because I'm a guy." His father answered easily as he moved his shirt to put his dirty laundry inside his bag.
"How come I don't have hair?" Callum slapped his hands over his chest as he looked down thoughtfully before looking back up at Connor.
Sarah felt her lips twitch at the act as Connor outright grinned, "You're too young. It'll happen when you get older."
Callum's face scrunched as he debated whether it would be a good thing or not to have hair. He liked the way he looked now, "But I don't want more hair. It's weird."
"Callu-"
"Your mother never seemed to mind," Connor said, a mischievous twinkle in his blue gaze as Sarah turned red.
"Connor!"
Callum's brow furrowed in confusion, "Wha-"
"Nothing, Bug," Sarah uttered quickly as Connor smirked. He was lucky that he wasn't within arm's reach. She didn't need the million and one curious questions her little boy would hurl at her just then, "Daddy's being silly."
"Oh..." Callum drawled, jumping onto his bed, "So I'm not gonna get hair on my chest?"
"No, you will," Sarah murmured as she handed his favorite stuffed monkey to him, "But not for a long time."
Callum pouted, "Nooo."
"It's not so bad, I promise." Connor chimed in as he slid to sit next to his boy. Shirt, now firmly in place, "You want me to read you a story, Bud?"
The question was enough to throw Callum off his current sulk train as he smiled shyly at his father, "Are you really staying?"
Sarah nearly melted under the warm look of affection that Connor cast toward their son. Sometimes she forgot how incredibly sweet he could be.
"As long as you're okay sharing your bed with me." Connor said. He poked at Callum's side making him giggle as he shifted over to make more room for his father, "That still okay?"
"Yes!" Callum crowed as he clung onto Connor's arm.
Sarah snorted quietly as Connor teasingly pushed him back and half-laid across him, "Even if I roll onto you? Could crush ya."
Callum shrieked, laughing as he tried to push Connor's bulk off him, "Noooo! Daddy!"
"No? You don't want to share your bed?" He teased, grinning into the bedspread as little hands found purchase in his hair. Callum's struggle to get away had abruptly turned in the opposite direction as he became a little limpet and squirmed his away out from under his father only to climb onto his back to hold him in place.
"No! Stay!" Callum shouted into his ear.
Sarah suppressed a laugh as Connor flinched at the loudness. It's what he got for riling their son instead of calming him down for bed. He'd learn.
She reached over and gently tugged Callum off of Connor. His bedtime had come and gone by nearly an hour now and she didn't need her good-humored boy to be groggy and grumpy in the morning, "Alright you two, time to settle."
Connor rolled to his side, propping his head on his head as Callum crawled under the covers, snagging his monkey before it toppled to the ground. It was then she was blasted with a curious and hopeful look from her little boy.
Sarah tilted her head, "Yes, Bug?"
"Can- um, can we look at the book?"
And the hopeful look made sense, Sarah swallowed a sigh as a sharp sting of nerves pierced her lungs. Of course, Callum wanted to look at the scrapbook – especially now that he could quiz his father over some of the photos. Unconsciously her gaze flicked to Connor, only to see him watching her with the same curious look she had gotten from their son.
It would be a good bonding moment for them.
Yet, she didn't want to do it. An overwhelming urge to mumble 'no' and to hide the book away took her. The scrapbook was her and Callum's thing. It was special and should be protected. She didn't want to share it. Almost as quickly a cold rain of shame spattered that hot possessiveness.
Callum wanted to share what he knew of his father. There was nothing wrong with that.
Reluctantly, she nodded, "Yeah... you can get Daddy to tell you some stories while I get ready for bed."
Callum beamed and it muffled some of the pettily mournful wail echoing in her heart. She turned, swallowing tightly as a rush of tears stung at her eyes. The book was a blur from its spot on the shelf, but she was sure she could find it blindfolded.
It was good to share...
With ginger care she brought the book to the bed and smiled lopsidedly at Callum's sleepy excitement. The leather pressed gently down onto his lap, "Alright, you can show Daddy, put it next to the bed when you're done, okay?"
"Okay." Callum chirped, his brow furrowing vaguely as he watched her.
She smoothed that crinkle with her thumb before pressing a kiss to that same spot, "Love you, Bug. Sleep tight."
"No bed bug bites." Callum returned, "Good night, Mama."
Damn, if those tears didn't come rushing back to the surface. She bopped his nose, "Night, Baby."
Sarah was just getting comfortable on the pullout when she heard the bedroom door creak open. Her gaze flickered to the side to see Connor drifting toward her, scrapbook firmly in hand. There was a suspicious gleam to his gaze, and she was sure he had been thrown off balance by the glimpse into their past. How often did ex-'s look at photos of their past relationships after all? – A life that seemed a million years ago now.
"Hey...Callum asleep?"
Connor nodded, his mouth ticking up in a smile, "We didn't get far into the photos before he was snuggling into my side and dosing off."
"He is a cuddle bug." Sarah murmured fondly.
"Yeah..." Connor agreed, "...We really haven't had the chance to talk the past few days – not without little ears being present anyway."
That was and wasn't true, Sarah mused dourly. There had been opportunities for them to talk, but neither had been willing to press too hard on any serious topics lest they rock the boat, but Connor had never been one to hold back for long.
She suppressed a sigh, "Okay. What do you want to talk about? Is something wrong?"
"Yes. No – I don't know."
Sarah nearly blanched at the uncharacteristic nerves that were coming from him, "Connor -"
She didn't have a chance to even formulate a sentence before he blurted, "Why Chicago?"
"What?"
"Why did you choose to come to Chicago?" Connor asked so quietly that she almost mistook his words, but then he did what he did best – he pressed on, "You knew I had gone to Washington – why not come to me there? Or even to New York with your mom?"
Her mom...
Now there was a can of worms that Sarah had no desire to open, but she had spent enough time focusing on the hurt she had felt and caused in her and Connor's relationship. The betrayal of her maternal relationship was easier to bear. Afterall, she had only been dealing with that pain her entire life.
"I did go to New York...Mom and I don't speak anymore." Sarah answered lowly, not quite meeting his gaze, "Not since she tried to force me to put Callum up for adoption."
It was his turn to issue an incredulous, "What?"
A rueful – bitter smile tugged at her lips before Sarah huffed, "She wants nothing to do with me or her grandson. As far as she is concerned, I destroyed my life. That was made very clear."
"Sarah..."
She couldn't explain more than that when it came to Laura Reese and she didn't want to hear his pity, "Look, Connor, deciding to go through with my pregnancy was not an easy choice for me and I felt abandoned and a little betrayed when you left for your residency, but angrier at myself -"
"You broke up -" His anger flared.
"I. Know." Sarah barked before catching herself, "I know. Why do you think I was mad at myself? I was so incredibly lost, and I made the mistake of thinking that for once my mom would be there for me. Going home was awful in so many ways, but I had convinced myself that going to you wasn't an option."
Connor flinched, pain etched so visibly in his face she felt those sharp lines in her heart, "You could've. I would have done anything for you – for both of you. God, Sarah... He's five years old and I'm only just getting to know him."
"It's not fair, I know. I can't go back in time, Connor. I can't change the past. There are so many things I would do differently if I could." Sarah whispered.
"You kept me alive for him." Connor said, holding up the scrapbook, "I had forgotten some of this stuff. Seeing us..."
"It made you wonder where it all went wrong." Sarah finished knowingly, because it was a thought that struck her just about every time she went through that book with Callum. To see her and Connor wrapped up in each other, so happy and so in love. It was a far leap from where they were now.
"I know where it went wrong." Connor muttered.
Sarah didn't know what to say to that. His pain was visceral, but so was his anger and she... she had never been good at this side of their relationship. She could barely grapple with her emotions at times, trying to handle his was daunting. And Connor... he could be so incredibly raw and real that it always left her feeling honored and helpless and terrified. He didn't open himself up to just anyone.
"You didn't answer me." Connor said, swallowing tightly.
She frowned at him.
"Why Chicago?" He asked again.
A faint flush rose like a warm breeze to her face, and she struggled to explain, "Partly because of you... partly for me." A silence rose as she tried to formulate her thoughts, but Connor was patient – sensing that she wasn't finished, "Nothing was easy before or after Callum's birth. It was rough for me... I wasn't ready to be a mother and I was holding on to hope that I would magically wake up and I be finishing my degree."
Sarah eyed the worn leather in Connor's grip as she thought of how she longed for her first days in med school. She never would have thought those days would be her most stress free, "I couldn't stay with my mother, and I had to figure out if I would have to completely give up on being a doctor... that was when I discovered that Chicago medical schools would accept my credits toward a nursing certification. Then I remembered that you would come to Chicago almost every year around January and I thought...okay, maybe – maybe I'd find you and Callum could have his father still."
"Except, I haven't been home in five years." Connor murmured, remembering how he had wanted to disappear after everything with Sarah. The months of silence between him and Claire that would culminate in harsh spats and more silences.
"Mmm." Sarah hummed, "Imagine my surprise when I discovered how big your family is here."
Connor arched a brow at her, "What? My rich family make you regret breaking things off with me?"
Sarah's brow furrowed in agitation, and she stomped down on the sudden desire to smother him with her pillow. She knew the hospital rumor mill was still churning over the appearance of the Rhodes patriarch, his status as a board member, and whether that meant Connor had bought his way into his coveted position at the hospital.
Having his skill questioned was infuriating Connor, but that didn't give him the right to insinuate she saw him as a meal ticket. Especially when he knew that couldn't be further from the truth.
"Don't be an ass. If anything, it made me want to hide Callum away." She muttered.
Connor stiffened, a wall descending over his features, "Didn't you?"
Sarah inhaled sharply – not understanding why she was being pushed onto the defensive. She was beginning to realize he was looking for a fight, "Stop."
"S-
"Just stop, Connor." She said coldly, "I'm not going to keep going around in circles on this with you. I know you're hurting. I know it's my fault. I will not let you keep using that as an excuse to be an ass or guilt me into getting your way -"
"I'm not-"
"You are!" Sarah snapped, "Whether you realize it or not - You are!"
Connor pursed his lips, ire flashing in his blue eyes, but there was also something else. Something that Sarah was once again struggling to pinpoint, "I'm not trying to guilt you – I'm –I'm really not, Sarah... I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to talk to you anymore."
Sarah's stomach dropped and she felt vaguely sick. It was funny how such a simple sentiment such as talking sent ice through her veins. What did they need to talk about? He had one job right now. Get to know his son. Why was that so difficult?
"I don't want us to be those parents that only speak when it has to do with our kid." Connor said lowly. His hand flexed over the crevasses of the leather again, "I used to be able to tell you anything. Big, small. And you're right, I am hurting... and I'm struggling. I don't know how to get us back there, Sarah. I need you to help me."
"Connor..." Sarah started... but this internal wail forced her mouth shut and she had to swallow past the dark void cracking open in her chest as she forced out, "Connor, we're never going to be able to go back to what we were. We're not those people anymore."
Strangely, Connor didn't seem upset by that comment, just mildly frustrated. It made her realize that she was missing something again.
He huffed a little, "I'm not talking romantically, you know?" His jaw worked as if each word that touched his tongue were being weighed and discarded as he decided which would be the best to utter, "We were friends, weren't we? I thought we were. It wa - was never just sex and attraction and flirting. I liked you as a person, Sarah... it's why I pursued you. It's what made me trust you..."
The air filled with a chattering silence of unsaid words... it was loud.
Sarah's brow furrowed as she tried to hear what wasn't being said, "But?"
Connor frowned, his stare stark with old, wounded beliefs as he asked quietly, "But you never really felt the same for me, did you? I never had your trust."
A dagger in the back would have been kinder than hearing him say that to her, knowing that he believed it. Sarah shook her head, ready to vehemently protest that notion, but she swallowed her words. Her son was five years old and was just now getting to know his father, Connor had said that just a few minutes ago. Everything about that fact stated her mistrust.
But it was whole-heartedly unfair to make that proclamation, because Connor hadn't trusted her with everything like he claimed... but that was a fight for another time.
"Come here." Sarah whispered after a moment. Holding her hand out to him so that he'd sit next to her, not opposite.
Hesitantly, Connor did so. His shoulder pressed against hers as he slipped her the scrapbook.
She flipped toward the middle, to a photo of him that he had never seen before. It had been taken in her apartment. Toward the end of his third year of med school, if he had to guess. There were dark circles under his eyes from the little sleep he had gotten that week. Hospital rotations had really kicked his ass then... He still had on his scrubs and sported a decently dark five o'clock shadow, but he was alert and steadily focused on a rather infuriated looking Sarah. He tried hard to remember what had happened, but Sarah could see that he didn't.
"You were dead on your feet." Sarah whispered, a smile twitching at her lips, "I think I had only seen you twice that month, but you had made it a point to text and call me whenever you had a free moment."
There had been a lot of months like that back then... it still amazed him that their relationship had made it passed a year, "What was so special about this time?"
"It was my birthday, Connor." Sarah said fondly, "Your scheduled was packed and you were trying so hard to make it through your obstetrics rotation, but you -"
"Swapped shifts to come to you." Connor finished, as he finally began to recall that photo, that moment. Alex had been laughing and filming as they had argued, "You tried to get me to go lie down, but I wanted to take you out to lunch."
"You were so adamant about being there for me." Sarah twisted to meet his gaze, "You were the first person in a very long time to show up for me and not because I asked, but because you wanted to... " She chewed on her lip for minute before she admitted, "You were the best thing that ever happened to me, Connor. So please don't think I didn't trust you."
"It doesn't feel that way." Connor murmured. He picked at her comforter before sighing, "It feels like I never had it and that I still don't... I found out about him through your letters, but you knew I was back -here for three weeks, and you didn't say anything. I get that Callum comes first, Sarah. I love how protective you are of him, but it stings how protective you are of him from me - I guess what I'm trying to say is that these past few days have been great. You've let me in so much more than I thought you would, but I'm afraid that it's all going to come at a cost."
"I'm not gonna take him from you." Sarah said, "Not without a good reason, Connor. We may not be the same people anymore, but I do know that you would never willingly try to hurt him or me. Just remember... you're not the only one struggling."
Her words felt feeble but seemed to be a balm for Connor as he relaxed minutely. His fingers gently playing over the photos splayed between them. She could see he was mulling things over, but the awkward heaviness had dissipated into a thoughtful quiet.
A heavy quiet, but a thoughtful one.
At least it remained a thoughtful quiet until a plaintiff call echoed into the living room, "Mommy..."
Connor turned stiffened as Sarah's gaze darted to the bedroom door. It swung open a moment later as Callum came padding out, hugging his monkey. Distress was etched into his face as he spied his parents, and he came to a stop. Uncertainty furrowed his brow and Sarah bit her cheek to keep from smiling.
He could be so utterly adorable without realizing it.
"Bug? What's the matter?"
Callum shuffled a little closer, shrugging slightly as he stared at his father. Connor stayed still, not wanting to upset him further as he tilted his head, "You okay, Bud?"
"Did you get scared?" Callum blurted. The question made both Connor and Sarah blink in confusion, but luckily, they didn't need to prod their son for further explanation as he rapidly continued, "I go to Mommy when I get scared too. Even- even when I – um, I stayed at Max's the first time... I went to Max's mommy and she called my Mommy and she made everything better."
Sarah had to cover her mouth to hide her amusement as Connor smiled – looking a bit chagrinned, "I guess you can say that I was a little scared."
"Oh." Callum nodded as if that explained everything. He crawled onto the bed and flopped against Sarah as he stared up at his father, "It's okay to be scared. Mommy says so, right Mommy?"
"That's right, Bug." Sarah murmured, smoothing his hair as he nestled between her and Connor. She'd have to carry him to bed, because despite his sudden alertness she knew from experience that the moment he got comfy he'd be out like a light again.
"See, Daddy?" Callum rested his cheek on Connor's thigh as he smiled sleepily, "Mommy will make everything better. She always makes the scary go away."
"... Yeah, she does." Connor hummed, his steely gaze landing on her with the weight of a thousand words. Words that would be spoken eventually, but just then the silence spoke more than enough.
She swallowed tightly and focused on their son, "What are you doing out of bed, Bug?"
Callum snuggled almost unhappily tighter into the crevasse created between his parents' bodies, "The wind was screaming... and Daddy wasn't there."
Connor winced and she shook her head at the immediate upset she could see in his face. Callum usually slept like a rock, but she supposed his excitement was making him a light sleeper that night. She tilted to the side a little and peered out the living room window to see that the wind had indeed picked up. She hadn't noticed the muted howling with how deep into conversation she had been with Connor. It was always a bit louder in the bedroom.
"Well, I'm sure that Daddy can protect you from the noise, but you need to go do so in your bed." She said gently.
Callum whined, "Whyyy? We all fit."
"Callum." Sarah started before Connor cut in.
"It's alright. Let him rest here." He met her protesting gaze with a shrug and a very low whispered, "At least until he falls asleep again. I'll move him back. Promise."
"Connor-"
"You're the one who said he's a cuddle bug and he wants his mother." Connor pressed, before smiling faintly, "It's okay, Sarah. I promise I won't bite."
"Why woudja bite?" Callum slurred as he tried to follow his parents' conversation, but sleep was sweeping over him as he settled down for the second time.
Sarah ignored the question and soothed his hair again, "Sleep Baby."
"La you, Mama." Calling rolled, fingers snagging his father's sweats, "Lmhg, Daddy. "
Sleep speak though it may be, there was no mistaking what Callum was saying. Sarah swore Connor stopped breathing… she didn't understand until she saw him blinking back tears. It was the first time Callum had uttered his love for his father aloud.