They were walking in town, Marina and Philip and Celeste, shopping for assorted household sundries, when Marina heard a familiar voice calling her name.
Her whole body turned cold, and she was afraid to look, but she forced herself to turn towards the voice. And there, at the end of the road, was her little sister Isabel, smiling and waving broadly.
Marina put her hand over her mouth, to force her sob back down her throat, and then hurried over to her sister. She stopped several paces away, unsure of how to act. She didn't blame Isabel for their separation – she knew it was their father's choice. For that same reason, she was worried about getting too close to Isabel now. She didn't want to make their father mad at Isabel as well.
"Marina, this is my fiancé, Mark Willingdon," Isabel said, after Marina had stared at her in silence a moment. Marina turned and noticed the young man who was standing beside Isabel. He was a handsome man, well dressed, though not so finely turned out as some of the young men she had met in London. She would guess he came from merchant class parents. He grinned widely to see her, showing off bright white teeth with a sizeable gap in the front.
"Pleased to meet you!" he said, bowing to her. She curtsied awkwardly, and turned back to Isabel.
"Isabel, you… how are you?" she asked. She wanted so badly to hug her, to hold her tight. She felt tortured, her heart crushed painfully in her chest. She had thought she would never see her siblings again. She had thought she had made peace with it. But seeing her little sister again reminded her of how badly she had been missing them.
"I'm well, Marina. How have you been?" Isabel asked.
"I… oh!" she realized Philip had come to stand beside her, as Isabel and her beau both turned to him. "This is my husband, Mr. Philip Crane. Philip, this is my sister Isabel, and Mr. Mark Willingdon."
Philip bowed to Isabel and her fiancé. "Good afternoon to you."
Isabel took Marina's hand, and only then did Marina realize she had been holding it out to her, looking for some connection. "It is so good to see you," Isabel said, holding Marina's hand tightly. "I have so much news to tell you."
Only then did Isabel's words catch up to Marina, as her mind got over the initial shock of seeing her sister. "You're getting married!" Marina exclaimed, looking to Isabel and her beau. "You're still so young!"
"I'm hardly a child anymore!" Isabel snapped, and Marina wanted to laugh. How easily they fell back into their old pattern of sibling bickering. She felt another sob trying to force its way out. "I'm only three years younger than you, and you have a child already!"
Mr. Willingdon laughed, a good, hearty laugh. "These Thomson women are certainly outspoken aren't they?" he asked Philip jokingly. Isabel laughed and slapped her fiancé's shoulder, and Marina met Philip eyes, silently apologizing. He smiled and shrugged helplessly.
"Perhaps we should give the sisters some privacy – some time to catch up," Philip suggested.
"Oh certainly! I'm sure they have plenty to say that they don't want us men-folk to hear! Will you show me the town? I have never visited Hampstead before!" Mr. Willingdon walked a short distance away with Philip. Normally, Marina might find them an amusing pair – Mr. Willingdon obviously taking over the conversation between the two men – but she had eyes only for her sister.
"Is this my niece?" Isabel asked, smiling at Celeste. Celeste eyed her warily, this strange young woman who looked so familiar. Marina nodded, and she couldn't hold back her tears anymore.
"Oh, Marina…" Isabel teared up as well, and pulled Marina into a tight embrace, with Celeste squished between the two of them.
"I've missed you so much!" Marina cried, clinging to her sister. "I've missed you all so much!"
"I missed you too – we all have," Isabel replied. They stepped back and Isabel wiped the tears from Marina's cheeks. "Father forbids us to see you or write to you, but as soon as I am married and out of his control I promise I will write!"
"Isabel… You don't have to do that. Even if he can't control you anymore – will you give up on seeing Mother? I doubt Father will happily let you return to visit once you have gone against his wishes."
Isabel set her mouth in a hard line. She was the youngest child, and had always been stubborn when she didn't get her way. Since she was the youngest, and their father's favorite, she had been able to get away with it too.
"I don't care," she said. "Father has been such a villain in all this – I shall never forgive him. He can't stop me from doing what is right."
Marina kissed her cheek. She was such a brave, caring woman, her sister. But she had never really been in trouble with their father – perhaps that was why she underestimated his anger even now. "Don't let my mistakes poison your relationship with Father. He may have treated me cruelly, but he did it to protect all of you. Would you have been able to meet your Mr. Willingdon if it was known that you were my sister? If I had given birth to Celeste as an unwed woman?"
"I hate that you had to marry to protect us," Isabel said, tears in her eyes. "I hate that you are stuck in this life because of me."
"Because of me. Because of my choices," Marina said firmly. She looked over to where Philip and Mr. Willingdon were standing, then down at Celeste, and she smiled. "And it's not a bad life I have now. Some days I'm happy, even."
Isabel smiled. She took Marina's face in her hands and kissed her again. "I'm glad. You don't know how it has tortured me these years, thinking of how unhappy you must be, knowing I could do nothing to ease your pain."
Marina laughed through tears. "I have some idea of the torture of separation…"
Isabel laughed, hiccuping a little. "I suppose you do." She looked over at Mr. Willingdon, then back down the street and sighed. "I should go now – I'm not quite out from under Father's thumb yet. He will be expecting us back soon." She turned back to Marina and smiled. "I love you."
"I love you," Marina whispered, not trusting her voice to work any louder. She gripped Isabel's arm, having a hard time letting her go. She wanted to tell her how hard it had been, tell her a hundred times how she missed her and loved her. She wanted to send her love to her mother, to her brothers and sisters, only Isabel would have to keep their meeting a secret. She wanted to stay together, to go home with her.
She opened her hand.
Isabel walked over to her fiancé, and put her hand on his arm. Marina stood still and watched her go, not trusting herself to be able to say goodbye. Philip bowed goodbye to the two of them, and Marina watched her little sister leave, arm in arm with the man she would marry.
"Are you alright?" Philip asked softly.
Marina shook her head. She needed to go home. She needed to be in private, to be able to cry. She felt like an old scar in her chest had been ripped open. She hadn't realized how it had been festering until the poison poured out again, and she was left raw and in pain.
"I want to go home," she said and started walking. Philip fell in step beside her. She took a deep breath through her nose and tried to swallow her tears, but she was finding it hard to stay calm. "Can you hold my hand please?" she asked him, shifting Celeste to her hip and holding her hand out to him. Philip took her hand and she gripped it tight, pulling it close to her side. "Squeeze harder. Harder." He squeezed her hand until she felt her bones pushing against each other and somehow she got home without breaking down.
"Will you hold Celeste?" she asked on entering, and then she went straight up to her room and curled up on her bed. She finally allowed herself to cry, to wail, to let some of the poison out. Let the grief of losing her family wash over her.
A few days later she received an invitation to Gloria's for dinner. She was hesitant about answering – she still had not been to any social gatherings since recovering from her foot injury – but Philip encouraged her to go.
After the third time he told her she ought to go she narrowed her eyes suspiciously at him. "Why do you want me to go so much?" she asked.
He shrugged, looking at Celeste to avoid eye contact. "You enjoy parties don't you? You haven't been out in a long time…"
She smiled at his concern. She suspected he had been worried about her moping around the house these days since she had seen her sister. She had not been very good company. "Yes. I will go. Will you be alright to watch Celeste that night?"
Philip picked up Celeste to look her in the eyes. "Will we be alright together?" he asked her. She nodded and gripped his chin, and he laughed. "Yes, I think we should be fine…"
So Marina found herself getting dressed up again, wondering if she should accessorize with her cane or not. Her dress shoe didn't fit quite right on her left foot anymore, but she figured no one would be staring at her feet during dinner anyway.
Gloria was as gracious and impeccable a host as ever. She had a few friends from London visiting, and to Marina's horror, one of the young men was one of her suitors from her time in London. He hadn't been a real contender for her hand – he had been too young, too frivolous, his poetry too painful. She had forgotten his name, but not his face, but luckily he seemed to have completely forgotten about her. Or maybe he just couldn't connect the bright young woman of two years ago with the matriarch she was now.
Marina giggled to herself, to think of herself as a matriarch.
During dinner, she was seated next to Ms. Hurst on the one side, and a Mr. Benning on the other. The folks from London were having a jolly time laughing about the latest Lady Whistledown edition that had been released. Marina emptied her wine glass a second time, as Ms. Hurst joined in their laughter, though she had no idea who the people being made fun of were.
Maybe that made it easier to laugh, when you didn't have to think about the people behind the stories.
When she stood up after dinner the room lurched alarmingly, and Marina realized just how much she had had to drink during dinner. She put a steadying hand on the table, and soon her good friend Gloria showed up at her side and took her elbow to steady her.
"I think I should go home," Marina said slowly, trying not to slur her words. "Thank you for a lovely dinner."
"I'm sorry the company wasn't more to your taste," Gloria said quietly, letting her guests from London retire to the parlor while she and Marina talked.
Marina put a hand on Gloria's arm. "No, I am sorry. I'm afraid I was a terrible grump today. It's just… That Lady Whistledown…"
"She's terrible?"
"Exactly!" Marina nodded and leaned closer to Gloria. "I have a personal conflict with her in fact."
Gloria looked at her for a long moment, and then she sighed. "I know Marina." When Marina just blinked at her she went on. "I have friends in London – I've been reading Lady Whistledown's column since she started publishing them. It wasn't hard to figure out who you were."
"That's why you were so suspicious of me!"
"Yes. I'm sorry I didn't say anything earlier, but it was rather awkward to bring up…"
Ms. Hurst came back in from the parlor just then. "Are you two alright? Ms. Benning is going to play some music for us."
Marina took a step away from Gloria, and nodded. "I'm alright. Just a little over stimulated I'm afraid. I'll have to miss the music."
Ms. Hurst frowned. "Oh. I'm sorry."
"Let me send you home in my carriage," Gloria said. She rang for a footman and gave him instructions.
"Shall I ride with you?" Ms. Hurst asked Marina.
"Oh, no need!"
"No, I'll go with you. It is getting late – mother will be waiting up."
"I'll miss having you both here," Gloria said. "If only you could stay with me always."
Marina laughed. "My daughter might have something to say about that!"
"And your husband too I imagine!" Ms. Hurst added. Marina made an exaggerated thinking face, and the other women laughed.
She and Ms. Hurst bid goodnight to Gloria and her guests and climbed into the carriage together, helping each other up, each as drunk as the other. They fell into their seats at last, giggling uncontrollably.
"What did you think of Mr. Kingsley?" Ms. Hurst asked Marina.
Marina frowned, trying to picture the young man she was talking about. "Which one was he again…?"
Ms. Hurst laughed, and slapped Marina's knee lightly. "The one across the table from you!" Marina nodded sagely, and Ms. Hurst went on. "I think he was making eyes at me. Perhaps I can get him to fall for me and make me an offer. I have to have someone, and he seems quite amiable, don't you think?"
Marina snorted. "Certainly. In my opinion – formed by a four hour acquaintance – he is the most amiable man I've ever met."
Ms. Hurst laughed. "Fine. Well, he isn't too bad to look at, at least."
It was Marina's turn to laugh then. Ms. Hurst was certainly pragmatic. When she stopped laughing, she turned serious and took Ms. Hurst's hand. "In all seriousness… If you marry, make certain he is amiable. Living with a kind man is… is a good marriage. If you can't have passion, or your first love, then you can do no better than to marry a kind man."
Ms. Hurst smiled indulgently at Marina and patted her hand. "Yes, yes. I know – you're a happily married woman…"
Marina hiccuped. "I am. I really am.
They pulled up in front of Marina's house and Marina stepped down onto the street with Ms. Hurst and the footman's help. She nodded her thanks to the boy and turned to say goodnight to Ms. Hurst.
"Goodnight Mrs. Crane!" Ms Hurst called as she drove away. Marina waved goodbye, and went inside.
The office was dark, but there was still a light on in the sitting room. Marina went in and found Philip lying back on the couch, Celeste sleeping on his chest. He had a candle lit on the table near his head and was reading a novel by its light.
"Were you waiting up for me?" Marina teased, seating herself in the chair opposite them.
Philip blinked up at her. "You're back! No I… We were just reading, and I lost track of time. I should have put her to bed already."
Marina looked at Celeste, her head nestled into Philip's chest, her hand flexing as she dreamed, clutching the lapel of Philip's shirt. She smiled at her daughter. "I'd say you've put her to bed quite thoroughly."
Philip looked down at Celeste and smiled. "Did you have a good time at dinner?" he asked Marina.
She nodded, and leaned back in her chair. "I drank a bit too much, ate far too much – I'd say it was a success."
Philip nodded. When he seemed to be waiting for her to say more she waved a hand at him. "Don't mind me – go back to your reading," she told him. "I'll just sit a moment before I go to bed."
She sat and watched him as he read. His arm wrapped around Celeste as he held the book above her back, her little body rising and falling with his breathing. Between turning pages, he reached down and rubbed her back softly, and Marina's heart skipped and her body filled with a warmth towards him that she hadn't allowed herself to recognize before. She let the feeling wash over her now, and she thought, 'I love this man.'
"…God damn it."