A/N:
Hi folks! Here's the latest chapter. Thanks, as always for all the reviews, follows, etc. They always help me so much!
-Moki
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Din Djarin was trying to eat, which was a harder task than it might seem.
"Djar, we've got to get you to eat more than you have been," Med told his old friend. The medic had been noting with worry that Din was barely eating. He was still only consuming about the same as he had been a few days ago, after coming out of the fever.
"I will. I'm trying," Din protested.
Din didn't know how to explain why he had no appetite. He just wasn't feeling himself. Now that the Mandalorian's body was recovering, his thoughts were starting to falter. The residual effects of that place would sneak up on him at unexpected times. It had started affecting his sleep, and occasionally his waking hours in the last day or so.
When he'd first been rescued, Din had just been happy to be out of there and reunited with Grogu. He hadn't thought about anything else. Plus, at first, he'd just been fighting to gain back any strength he could to stay alive. Sleep hadn't been a problem as he'd been so wounded and sick with fever that he had fallen into a dreamless sleep every night, not to mention multiple times throughout the day.
When he'd been in terrible pain and barely able stay awake for more than a few minutes before passing out, Din hadn't had the opportunity to think about much of anything. There'd been no energy for internal monologues or spiraling thoughts about what had happened to him while he'd been a prisoner. But now, perversely, the better his body was getting, the more his mind had been wandering, traveling back to the debriefing room and to his cell. There were still large portions of his time there that he didn't remember, but sometimes flashes would come to him. Mostly it was the emotions of those moments that came - rather than the images of what actually occurred.
There was also another reason the recovering Mandalorian was having a tough time eating. He'd gotten so used to the raw knot of hunger in his stomach for weeks, that he found it was hard to accept food now. Every time he tried to take more than a few sips of the light broth, he felt heavy. It was as if his insides were still damaged. Recovering yes, but damaged.
"Din, we know they starved you," Bo added. She happened to arrive for her visit while Med had been giving his speech. Which made Din wonder if they had timed this so they could talk to him together.
That's probably exactly what they did.
Din started to protest again, to tell them it wasn't that bad, they didn't have to keep fussing over him and trying to make him eat. He didn't know why he was doing it though. It was painfully evident how thin he was. Even he had been shocked the first time he'd taken a good look at himself in the mirror in the fresher.
"You realize you need to do it for him as well." Med tipped his head at Grogu.
Din gave his friend a puzzled look, not understanding what Med meant. Grogu had always had a healthy appetite. Very healthy, in fact. The Mandalorian had often been shocked at the amount of food his ward could take down, especially for someone so small. Din had learned that practically from day one, when the kid had swallowed a live frog half his size. Grogu had downed that thing in one gulp, despite Din's protest to spit it out. Din had nearly panicked, having no idea whether the child could handle that much food, or if he should digest something that was still alive, or if just eating a new diet from what he'd had before would cause the little one harm.
Bo and Med shared a look. They had discussed Din's lack of appetite and decided it might be best to let him know a little more about what had happened while he was captured. He might not want to hear it, but Din needed to know that taking care of himself wasn't just important for him, it was important for his son as well.
They had talked the previous night, after Med had brought Din and Grogu their dinner. Med had met with Bo in her quarters so they could discuss the matter privately.
"So, he's still not eating?" Bo had asked with a worried frown.
"He's eating some, but not enough," Med had replied. "Eating is a simple thing, but he went without for a long time, and then was injured on top of it. When we got him back, we didn't have all the medial supplies we needed, so he's been fighting everything mostly on his own. That man has been running on empty for way too long and I'm worried about what kind of harm that could be doing to him. If we don't get more nutrition into him soon, there's even a possibility of permanent damage. Believe it or not, food is actually a part of my treatment plan for him so it's important that we get him to do it."
"Do you think there's something else wrong? Did the Moff's treatment cause an issue that is preventing him from eating?"
"No, I checked him over and I couldn't find anything. I've been very careful to make sure he's not eating too much too fast, as that can be life-threatening. But there's no medical cause behind this. He should be able to eat, but he can't. And unfortunately, just like with everything else he's had to deal with, he's got to work through this on his own. We just need to give him a good enough reason to fight whatever this is and force himself to eat more than he has been."
Bo remembered the conversation from the previous night as she looked at Din now, regarding him with a sad sigh. "Din don't try to deny it. When I'm telling you we know, we know."
"What do you…?" Again, he didn't know what they were talking about.
"We know because of him." Bo nodded her head toward Grogu, who had fallen back to sleep next to Din. "He refused to eat much while you were away. At first, we thought it was just because he was upset. But he was connected to you while you were there."
"Was he in pain?" Din whispered in horror. The mere thought that Grogu had felt any part of what happened to him made Din feel like he was going to lose what little food he'd managed to get into his stomach.
"No." Bo reassured him quickly. "Not as pain, exactly. But it was almost like he was there with you sometimes, and he kept us updated on what was happening. It helped us to know that you were still alive. That there was a reason to keep fighting to get you back."
"But it was tough on him," she continued. "He didn't sleep or eat much. He was reacting to what you were going through, and I think, in a way, he's still reacting to what's happening to you now. Din, you need to eat so he will, too."
Din looked down at the boy snoozing soundly at his side. He should've known something wasn't right, but there'd been so many reasons to miss it. First, he'd just been fighting for his life, between the injuries and then the fever and infection. After the fever, he'd been mostly unconscious for days, his body needing to recover. He'd noticed Grogu had been sleeping a lot but since Din himself had been sleeping more than usual, he hadn't thought anything of it. Even after he had told Grogu to stop healing him.
Din remembered feeling Grogu's presence that one time during his capture, when the kid had given him a small ray of hope to hang on to in that horrible place. He'd never thought that the sensations were going back the other way. He hadn't realized that it could mean Grogu might be feeling what he'd been going through there. The realization now just made Din feel worse.
There was something else Bo wanted to mention, and she figured now was as good a time as any. Might as well give him all the information and put all their cards on the table.
"Din," she started, waiting to continue until he looked up at her. "I know you, and I have a feeling you're probably thinking that it wasn't worth the risk we took to get you out. But believe me when I tell you that it was. I don't know how much longer Grogu would've survived without you. We needed to get you back. For us. For you. Especially for him."
"Both of you need to build your strength again," Med added. "So, I know it's hard but please try to eat. Do it for him even if you wouldn't do it for yourself."
"Okay, I will. I mean it, I will try." Din assured them.
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Din was true to his word and did his best to get more food into his system, for his son if for nothing else. He was pleased to see that Grogu started consuming more too.
But though Din did manage to get more nutrition to help his physical healing, that didn't stop the thoughts that kept raging through his mind. Not just the fear and other emotions from his time as a prisoner, there were also new feelings of guilt and inadequacy.
The Mandalorian had always been a man of action who depended on his body to make things happen. But now he was basically stuck in a bed with a body that wasn't useful for much of anything.
Din Djarin was accustomed to action. At the very least he was used to training, sparring, hunting on almost a daily basis. He had worked hard to build up the muscle he needed for his missions and was bitterly disappointed that it had only taken a few months for it all to disappear. He hated that he didn't recognize his own body. The strength he'd come to depend on had wasted away and in its place was a weak, scrawny thing that got winded and pained with seemingly the barest of movements.
They risked Mandalorian lives and held off reclaiming our planet to save this? Din thought sullenly as he struggled to walk back from the fresher by himself in the middle of the night.
As he lay back down, Din was careful not to wake Grogu. He tried going back to sleep but the grim thoughts weren't done with him yet.
He was no longer a warrior, just a frail man on a bed. Din wanted nothing more than to get back into the fight, to find the Moff and make the man pay for what he'd done to him, to Grogu. He wanted to stand with all the clans and take back Mandalore. But he was barely strong enough to walk a few steps to the fresher. He was helpless and useless.
Somewhere in the deep recesses of his mind that weren't buried under the trauma, Din understood that eating was part of what he needed to do to get his strength back. But the increasingly miserable thoughts and feelings only led to a lessened appetite. He was fighting it as hard as he could, but it continued to be a vicious cycle.
But knowing that he had to do it for his son, Din continued to fight and managed to eat a little more over the next couple of days. He'd worked at it hard enough that he even upset his stomach a few times (a fact he had managed to hide from Med), but he kept at it when he noticed that the more he ate, the more Grogu ate.
Sleep had started to become a significant issue for Din as well, though luckily it didn't appear to be affecting Grogu. Din was always careful to make sure he settled himself down at night and that Grogu fell into a sound sleep next to him. But as soon as the boy was out, Din would lie awake, unable to stop the thoughts about that terrible place.
When alone in the dark of his room he couldn't help but be reminded of the Darkness, that true unrelenting Darkness that was similar and yet very different than typical darkness. So much so that he'd given it another title, a name unto itself. Someday maybe he would think of darkness as just an absence of light, and not the Darkness that came with fear, panic, torture, pain, hunger and thirst.
But though he tried, sleep didn't always set Din free. When he did manage to fall asleep, most of the time he woke up just a few hours later, gasping awake from the awful images that kept playing over and over in his head. Usually, Grogu didn't wake up from those startling moments, but when Din's nightmares also woke his son, the Mandalorian felt even worse. Which just started the whole thing over again.
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It had been a few days since Bo and Med had talked to Din about eating, and the injured Mandalorian was putting up a good front.
Din had had another rough night, but he was doing his best to hide that fact from everyone. He was currently in negotiations with a tiny green being who wasn't as interested in breakfast as he usually was.
Bo had come to visit and was watching as Din argued with his child to eat.
"Come on, Grogu. Just a couple more bites."
The little one made a rude noise with his mouth, frowning and shaking his head. Din scooped up more warm porridge and offered it to him, but Grogu turned away.
Din sighed.
"Okay, look. I'll have some more, too." Din took a bite and hummed in appreciation.
"See? It's good. Come on, kid, we made a deal. I eat, you eat. Right?"
Grogu's mouth scrunched as he thought about it.
"Two more bites and I'll leave you alone. Promise."
The little one's shoulders dropped, and he nodded slowly then held out his hand for the spoon. Din handed it to him and held the bowl closer. Grogu spooned out one bite and ate it slowly, then another. As he ate, Grogu seemed to discover that either he was hungrier than he thought, or he found the porridge tastier than he thought. The child put the spoon back in, making happy noises as he continued to eat until the bowl was empty.
Grogu scraped the bottom of the bowl and licked his spoon clean, then he looked at Din expectantly.
"That's great, kid. Good job. We'll get you some more later. Remember what happened yesterday when you ate too much too fast? Remember what happened to me when I did the same thing?" Din's eyebrows raised.
Grogu's face squinched up again at the remembered discomfort.
"So, we're both going to take it slow. But I'm proud of you for eating all your breakfast."
Grogu stood up and reached for the other bowl on the side table. He inspected it, then pointed to Din with a cheerful coo.
"Oh, you're proud of me, too? Well, thanks buddy," Din said with a weary smile at Bo over Grogu's head.
Even without the help of the IG-12 suit, Bo noted that Din and Grogu had no trouble communicating with each other.
Bo had been happy to see that Din's face was starting to fill out somewhat now that he'd been eating a bit more regularly. However, his eyes had dark bags underneath and the hollow look of a man still not sleeping. She thought his pain was under control and it made her wonder if something else was keeping him awake.
She was starting to feel guilty that she couldn't spend more time with Din. But they were continuing to work on plans to retake Mandalore and that, plus running a fleet of ships kept her away more than she wanted.
Med too had gotten busier with the increased training and sparring happening across the fleet. He'd even had to transport to another ship once to handle a more critical injury.
Bo wished there was someone who could give Din the company he needed during this important part of his recovery, but there wasn't anyone she could think of at the moment. So, she promised herself that she would keep looking for ways to help the recovering Mandalorian.
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With the others getting busier and he himself no longer in a grave physical condition, Din was left to fight his inner battle alone. Honestly, he preferred it that way, sure that no one would understand what he was feeling anyway.
No matter how Din tried to keep them at bay, thoughts of guilt continued to ravage his mind. Bo and the rest of his people had set aside getting back Mandalore in order to rescue him. Gideon had undoubtedly built up more of the base and would be harder to fight. If he hadn't been stupid enough to get caught, they would probably have already defeated the Moff and gotten their home back.
People risked their lives to get him out. Some were even injured, though he was thankful to learn no one had been killed during his rescue. He wouldn't have been able to live with himself if that had happened.
He was just a waste of resources. Bo was using her precious time - time she could be using to plan and make arrangements to take out the Moff - to check on him like some child.
As more time went on, Bo could see the change in Din's attitude, and it upset her. In a way, it made her angry with him. How could he not see that they would do it all again, and gladly? That one Mandalorian was worth the effort of the whole tribe? Hadn't he been the one to teach her that solidarity was a part of The Way, the Creed of his people?
Bo had hoped that maybe Din would open up to Med, but he was being stubbornly tight-lipped about everything. She and the medic guessed why he continued to be upset, but until Din told them for sure, they were just that, guesses.
After another day, Bo decided enough was enough and it was time to confront Din. She figured if Din wouldn't tell his oldest friend what was going on, maybe he would tell her.
Or, more accurately, maybe she could get Din angry enough to admit what he was feeling. When they'd rescued him, there had been moments during the march out where Din had gotten mad. It had made him fight harder.
Bo needed Din mad like that again, and she knew from experience that if anyone could make Din Djarin angry, it was her. Maker knew they were experts at pissing each other off, they'd been doing it since the first day they had met. So, she decided to use that skill to her advantage.
It wasn't the best option, but anger was better for Din than feeling helpless or depressed. She needed him to keep fighting. He may think he was out of the battle, but the truth was that Din was still in the biggest fight of his life. Giving up wasn't something he could do. His body was slowly recovering but there were no guarantees after what had happened to him, especially if he wasn't resting and getting the proper nutrition he needed.
Bo also had a feeling that, as bad as things were for him, they were bound to get worse. Din had gone through a lot in that place, but he still hadn't talked about it, not in any great detail. She wasn't sure if that was because he didn't want to, or he couldn't remember much of it. Her gut told her it was the latter and if that was the case, she was sure those memories were going to start making an appearance soon. They might already be showing up in the form of nightmares if his sunken eyes were any indication.
On the day she made her decision, Bo waited until Grogu was asleep, then asked Din to walk with her down the passageway to the exam room where he'd been brought originally. She did it on purpose. First, to keep this conversation away from his child, and second to remind him how far he had come.
"What did you want, Bo?" Din was already getting frustrated. The last thing he wanted to do was visit this room again. Days of barely any sleep with a body that was still recovering and not quite getting the nutrition it needed, meant that he had an almost constant headache. He just wanted to lie down, though he knew he wouldn't sleep even if he did.
Well, that didn't take long. Bo thought, hearing the shortness of his tone.
"I want you to look around and realize how far you've come."
"How far I've come?"
"Yes, you were on death's door when we brought you here. We had almost nothing to treat you with and yet you survived. You're alive right now because of the kind of man you are, the kind of warrior, and Mandalorian."
"Some Mandalorian I am now. Some warrior. Some man."
"Din, stop it. Why are you being so hard on yourself? This is ridiculous." Bo felt her own anger rearing its head.
"Why? Because I'm useless!" Din's voice raised more than she'd ever heard before. It wasn't as loud as another may have been in his position, but for the usually soft-spoken man, it was a lot.
"You should have left me there, Bo," Din continued as he began pacing as much as his sore body would let him. "Why did you bother to bring me back? For what? What use am I now? Everyone is either taking care of me or worried about me. We could have our planet back by now if you hadn't waited to come for me, and we weren't still hiding from Moff Gideon. You could have used Axe's time on the base to get intel on how to destroy it. Instead, we're on the run, our planet is still swarmed with Imps and it's all because of me. If I hadn't been captured, maybe…" he choked, unable to continue.
Bo hadn't expected grief. Her tone softened a little. "Maybe what, Din?"
"…maybe Paz would still be alive."
"Din, that is not true. His death is not your fault."
She hadn't realized he'd also been blaming himself for Paz's death, and probably the deaths of the others as well who fell that day.
It upset Bo to get confirmation of what she had suspected. Din wasn't thinking straight. The memories of that place, the horrors he endured were coming back to bite him. In a way, it was better that he'd been so injured when they brought him back. At least he hadn't had to deal with these terrible thoughts while also fighting the physical trauma. Thankfully he'd been able to heal for a while before the terror of his imprisonment had caused the inner turmoil that was just as challenging as the physical battle had been.
"Din, we had to get you back," Bo said, forcefully but not unkindly. "If you want to blame anyone for not having Mandalore back yet, for still being on the run, blame me. I'm the selfish one who led us there, who didn't figure out that it was all a trap, who didn't get our people out fast enough before you were captured, and Paz and others died."
"When you were captured, I couldn't let Gideon have that triumph over us. I could not allow him to have control of even a single Mandalorian life. Especially a Mandalorian who had pledged to follow me, who was the very reason we all returned to reclaim our home world. The reason our clans were finally reunited."
"Din Djarin do you not have any idea how important you are?" Bo's voice rose slightly in exasperation.
Din's head popped up to look at her, but he had no reply to her question. He simply couldn't fathom that anyone would find him important, especially now.
"No, I suppose you don't." Bo's voice softened again, and she shook her head sadly as she continued.
"You don't think of yourself like that. You're always thinking of others, always sacrificing for others. I'm sure it never occurred to you that everything you've done has had massive ramifications. You went back to Mandalore to reclaim your Creed. You brought me there, whether on purpose or not. Without you, I would probably never have set foot there again. Without you I would have died on Kalevala, going after the troopers that blew up my castle. You stopped me. Having your son on my ship stopped me. Your actions have created a chain reaction that has changed all our lives."
Din still didn't know what to say so he just listened.
"Do you think I would ever for one moment allow Gideon to have control over you?" Her face showed a bit of fury.
"More importantly, do you think for one moment that you wouldn't have done the exact same thing for any one of us if another had been taken by the Moff? Would you not have risked your life to get another captured Mandalorian back? Even if it took months of planning and a massive rescue mission?"
Din blinked at her, and she took it as a reply.
"Of course, you would have. So, why would you blame us for doing the same?"
"Frankly, Din," she continued before he could respond. "Your behavior dishonors all of us. You have no right to be angry at yourself, or me or anyone else for doing something you know you would have done. I understand it's hard to be on the receiving end of all this help and it's not something you're used to, but you need to get over it."
She walked closer to where he was standing near the room's window.
"In fact, I'm going to say the same thing to you that your friend Med said to me."
He looked at her questioningly but still said nothing.
"Knock it off. If you want to pay us back, build up your strength and join us in the fighting corps when I launch our new attack. Maker knows we're going to need you."
When she finished, Din noticed there were angry tears in her eyes. The sight made him pause. He didn't say anything for a long while as he thought about what she said.
Bo turned away, walking to the other side of the room, and wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. She had done her best to help him, and she could only hope that he would listen.
Finally, Din sighed. Bo looked back as he began speaking softly.
"You're right. I'm sorry. I just can't seem to help feeling this way. I'm not used to being on this side of it."
"You mean receiving help?"
"Yes," he admitted. "Wouldn't you feel the same way if you were me?"
It was her turn to sigh. "Honestly? Yes, probably."
She gave him a sideways grin and watched his expressive eyebrows shoot up. Just like that, the mood had lightened in the room.
"Then you can't blame me," he pointed out.
"No, I can't blame you. But I will keep telling you to knock it off. Which I'm sure you'd tell me if you were in my boots."
"You're right, and I'm not surprised that Med said that to you. Wait, why did he say it to you?"
Bo hesitated. "Because I was beating myself up for not getting you out of that place sooner."
"Bo, you can't do that." It was Din's turn to reassure her. "I got myself captured. It could've happened to any one of us, but it happened to me. I never blamed anyone for ending up there. We're warriors, these things happened."
"Besides, Gideon had been itching to get his hands on me for a while. I knew that. It was just a matter of time. If it had happened before I met you, or at a time when I had no backup, everything would have been the same. Except no one would've known and I would not have made it out. Not to mention that he probably would've gotten Grogu as well. Knowing the kid was safe kept me alive. You did that. Because I knew he was with you and that I could trust you."
Bo smiled at the admission. To be trusted by Din Djarin was no small thing.
"Okay, fair enough," she said. "How about we both knock off the guilt trips?"
Din chuckled as the last of the anger and frustration left him.
"You're right. But I know you're busy, Bo. Please don't feel you have to keep checking on me. I just need to heal and the only thing I can do is rest. I have to deal with… everything else on my own."
She knew he was talking about the nightmares that must be the cause of his tired eyes.
"Sadly, you're right," she agreed. "I can't keep checking on you all the time. We are getting closer to having a plan worked out and we're going to need you back at full strength to help."
"And I promise, I'll keep doing what Med asks me to do to make that happen," Din said.
"But maybe you don't have to go through this alone."
"What do you mean?"
"I'm not sure yet but I have some ideas. Just continue to get well and I'll let you know, alright?"
"Deal."
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"Lady Kryze, it is good to hear from you." Greef Karga's image flickered slightly on the comm link, but she saw him bow graciously.
"High Magistrate," she bowed her head in return. Karga was a man who liked his formalities, so she gave them to him. He'd earned them, so why not?
"I've been hoping for an update. How is Mando?"
Bo heard the worry in his voice. If Din hadn't told her about their past, she never would have guessed those two had once tried to kill each other. Karga now acted like a father to Din and a grandfather to Grogu.
She sighed, and he frowned at the sound, his tone more tense.
"Will he recover?"
"Yes, physically he will be fine, eventually. But his time there, it wasn't easy."
"I know the Moff and I doubt it would be. It's a testament to Mando's strength that he's still alive."
You have no idea. Bo thought.
"I just wish there was more I could do to help him get back to himself. Physically and mentally," she said.
"My Lady, he knows that you have a lot to do. A leader must look after all her people, and you are doing that. I'm sure he's grateful for all that you've done and would not want you to worry about him. Though I understand as I feel the same."
He put a hand to his chin, contemplating something.
"If I thought I would be of use, you know I would be there in a heartbeat. But I don't think he needs the likes of me around right now."
"But he does need someone. Another friend," Bo said.
Greef nodded in agreement before snapping his fingers as an idea came to him.
"Yes, and I think I know just the one."