Disclaimer: I do not own the Hangover or its characters. This is fan made.
*dot*
Rrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiinggggggggggggg
You've reached Doug. Sorry I missed your call. Please leave a name and number and I'll get back to you.
Hi, you've reached Dr. Stuart Price with Divine Dentistry. Please leave a message after...
Thanks for calling Jess. Please leave a reason for me to call you back…
Hey, this is Phil. Leave me a message or don 't. Do me a favor, don 't text me. It's gay.
"Hello?"
"Ahem, Tracy, it's Phil."
"Phil, where the hell are you guys? I'm freaking out."
"Yeah, listen. We fucked up."
"What are you talking about?"
"The bachelor party— the whole night it… it got out of control…. We lose Doug."
"What?"
"We can't find Doug."
"What are you saying Phil? We are getting married in five hours!"
"Yeah, that's not gonna happen…" said Phil looking up into the sky.
*dot*
Meanwhile several feet away…
"Thanks for the lift back to town," said Black Doug to the others as they scuffled around by the Mercedes hoping that Phil could get through to Tracy.
"I got a question for you," asked Stu turning to Black Doug. "How did you wind up in Chow's car?"
"That crazy asshole kidnapped me yesterday," he replied as a matter of fact throwing his hands down in defeat.
"Okay, but why? Why you?" asked Jess from the hood feeling the heat of the metal against her thigh. Her legs were darkening by the minute and they were slightly burning.
"He thought I was with you guys because we were hanging over at the Bellagio," answered Black Doug.
"What? We were at the Bellagio?" asked Jess, jumping off the hood running over to him.
"We were shooting craps," said Black Doug. "You and some boy were chatting before Prissy Ass went after you."
"Prissy ass is right about Phil," agreed Jess with a nod.
"You don't remember?" asked Black Doug turning to Alan, who shook his head, then Stu and Jess.
"No. No, we don't remember. Because some dick drug dealer sold him Ruphylin and told him it was ecstasy," said Stu very loudly. He turned to face Jess who only shrugged. Why can't Phil hurry up? It was hot as blazes out here!
"Ruphylin. There you go with that word. Ruphylin. What the hell is a Ruphylin?" Black Doug spluttered out.
"Wow, you are the world's shittiest drug dealer," mumbled Jess shielding her eyes from the sun watching for Phil. He had his back to them...
"Ruphylin, for your information, is the date rape drug. You sold Alan roofies," said Stu clearly.
"Oh, shit. I must have mixed up the bags. My fault, Alan. Damn, Marshall gonna be pissed off at me on that one." Jess let out a fake laugh and began to walk toward Phil when the men began speaking again.
"It's funny, because just the other day... me and my boy, we was wondering why they even call them roofies. You know what I'm talking about?
"No. Don't know," said Stu, looking down at his feet.
"Why not floories, right? Because when you take them... you're more likely to end up on the floor than the roof. What about groundies?"
"That's a good new name for them. Or, how about rapies?" suggested Alan. Jess turned sharply getting right into Alan's face. None of them even were able to track her as she stomped over. She jabbed her finger into Alan's chest, poking him for good measure at the suggestion.
"Why do you think roofies are the number one drug used against women? Because men rape women! Like hell women need to feel even more insecure about any man she comes across!"
"Wait, what did you just say?" asked Stu suddenly, pulling Jess back off of Alan.
"Don't you say it," she warned Alan trying to grab him by his facial hair.
"Rapies," said Alan quickly to Stu. Jess tried to grab but Stu held her in place.
"Not you. Doug, what did you say before?" asked Stu pointing at black Doug.
"I said groundies—"
"No, before that. You said, 'You're more likely to wind up on the floor than'..."
Jess gasp and grabbed Stu's arm, realizing where Doug was too. They sharply turned and ran to Phil.
*dot*
"Phil?" Tracy asked with vermin in her mouth.
"Listen, Trace, I'm really sorry. l..." But Stu had run up to him, knocking them to the ground, sending the phone flying. Having been tackled to the ground with such a force, it knocked the air out of Phil's lungs making his cough harshly.
"Phil? Hello?" yelled Tracy from the phone. Jess went to grab the phone but Stu roughly pushed her hand away reaching it first.
"Tracy, its Stu!" he panted into the speaker.
"Stu. Talk to me. What's going on?"
"Uh, nothing," Stu spoke to Tracy. "Don't listen to Phil. He's completely out of his mind. He's probably still drunk from last night," he muttered into the phone giving Phil a shut up look. He looked at Jess and threw his hands at Phil.
"What the fuck do I do?" she mouthed to him. Jess looked at Stu as he scrambled to keep Phil from grabbing the phone.
"Where's Doug?" asked Tracy loudly.
"He is paying the bill. We just had a delicious brunch. We're in a hurry to get back, so we gotta get going. Okay, we'll see you soon. Bye." Stu had stood up and waved Jess away as she attempted to brush some of dust off Phil's black clothing.
"Stu!" screamed Tracy before Stu hung up the phone.
"Stu! Fuck! What the fuck, man?" yelled Phil throwing his arms down.
"I know where Doug is," said Stu proudly. Phil looked at Stu like he was crazy.
"Come on we need to go!" urged Jess pulling on Phil's arm to get him up. Phil, Stu, and Jess ran over to the car, pushing Alan and Black Doug in while slamming their foot on the gas.
"I don't know, man. It just hit me," said Stu after a few minutes.
"You remember when we saw Doug's mattress impaled on that statue?" asked Jess, who sat between Alan and Black Doug, knowing where Stu was going with this. Let the teacher and child with the beard figure it out now….
"Yeah, we threw it out the window," stated Phil again.
"No, impossible. You can't open windows in Vegas hotels," said Jess leaning forward as much as she could in her seat.
"Well, then how did it get...?" started Phil again. "Oh, my God!
"Whoa, wait. What's going on?" asked Alan in the back seat to Jess' left.
"Doug was trying to signal someone," said Stu confirming Phil's thoughts.
"Holy shit. Yes! Wait, how did you figure that out?" exclaimed Phil happily throwing his arms up a bit.
"Doug made me realize it," replied Stu.
"Doug?" questioned Phil, not remembering they had a Doug with them.
"Uh, not our Doug. Black Doug," said Stu and Jess together. Jess threw her thumb at Black Doug who frowned at her.
"Hey, hey, easy with that shit. Come on," he said giving them another sour look.
"Sorry," offered Stu but he was not very happily.
"Can someone tell me where white Doug is?" asked Alan unsure about the turn of events.
"He's on the roof, Alan," said Jess forcefully turning in her spot. Surely he knew that by the talks around him. "He's up on the roof where we all took the shots at. Remember that at least?"
"Yes. He's on the roof. We must have taken him up there on his mattress as a prank... so he'd wake up on the roof," smiled Stu once more.
"Didn't that happen before but a more neutral place?" asked Jess, leaning onto the front seats watching as Vegas came into view better. Phil nodded and then smiled wide.
"Yeah, like that time in summer camp. We moved his sleeping bag out in the jetty at the lake?"
"Ha, ha, ha! Which was hilarious. It's not so funny now, though, because we forgot where we put him."
"You guys are fucking retarded, you know that?" offered black-Doug a moment later.
"Holy shit. You think he's still up there?" said Phil turning to Stu once more.
"There's only one way to find out," said Stu as he put his foot to the gas.
"How are you related to these guys?" Black Doug asked Jess a moment later.
"Doug's my brother," she said nervously. She felt a very uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach.
"I can be your Doug," he whispered leaning closer to her, his fingers tracing her leg ever so lightly.
One would barely notice it if she weren't paying so much attention. Phil must have heard it because he slowly turned around in his seat. There was murder in his eyes, and even Alan, who normally wouldn't comment, stared harshly at black-Doug.
"Stu can you pull over there? I need to speak with him privately," asked Jess bravely. Black Doug eyes widened in interest but Stu did as asked after she insisted again.
"Jess?" he muttered as she and the dark-skinned man got out.
"It's fine. Just get in the back seat with Alan… and leave the door open." she whispered back. She walked out a bit to meet Black Doug where they appeared to be talking.
"What are they talking about?" asked Stu watching her try and get her footing for something. A few times the man tried to caress her cheek but she took a step back.
"Who the fuck knows?" commented Phil. "She needs to hurry …." Phil pushed his hair and waited as did the others. A moment later, their attention was brought to Jess as she slammed the door close and pushed her hair back. "OH MY GOD! WHAT THE FUCK JESS!"
The moment that Stu and Phil looked away was the moment that black-Doug tried to grab her and Jess stabbed him with the set of car keys and landing a solid uppercut to the man's chin. Black Doug fell to the ground as Jess ran over to the car. Slamming the door close and turning the key in the engine quickly, she sped away from the man and into Vegas again.
"What the fuck just happened?" demanded Phil trying to grab Jess' hand. "What the fuck did you hit him with?"
"My fist," she smiled. "He was making a pass at me. Like I want to deal with that all the way back. He was touching my ass the whole way until we stopped to call Tracy," she replied check the next lane over to change to.
"Oh, okay…. Good job," Phil said settled back into his seat, as did Stu after letting out a loud sigh.
"We got to find our Doug now!" Jess smirked but leaned back into her driver's seat, her arm extended to steer. Finally things were going right!
Thoughts of that morning flew out of her mind as they reached Caesar's Palace. While Jess waited for them at the elevator, Phil stabbed the button to the higher floor they took on Friday night. Hurriedly, their feet bolted up the stairwell, finally coming to the door Phil had asked Stu to keep open on Friday. Jess threw the door open as Stu began yelling for Doug.
"Doug!" shouted Stu near her.
"Doug!" yelled Phil racing through the door.
"Doug!" Stu yelled again, as Alan remained to get the door open. Jess bolted in the same direction as Stu but turned to look over a large industrial AC unit.
"Doug, you up here, buddy?" she heard Phil yell.
"Where you at, Doug?" asked Alan, in a much softer voice.
"DOUG!" screamed Jess running across the roof.
"Doug!" yelled Phil again with more force in his tone.
Suddenly Jess let out groan but it was followed but Stu's voice. "Hey, guys! He's over here!" Jess turned in the sound of Stu's voice and ran over to him.
"Hey, I found him! He's over here!" shouted Alan running over to the seated Doug. Jess rushed over to Doug, not taking a moment to see the relieved fact on Phil. She dropped to her knees by his side and let out a gasp.
"You're safe!" she cried out but backed away as she observed his face. It was lobster red!
"Oh, shit. He's okay. You're okay! Ha, ha, ha!" Stu shrieked in Doug's face. Doug looked between Jess and Stu with confusion on his face.
"Oh, God. We gotta go, buddy. Come on!" Stu pulled on Doug's arms to standing up. "Oh, we have been looking everywhere for you.
"He's alive," gasped Alan, going into to hug Doug.
"What the fuck is going on?" demanded Doug trying to get out of his friends' arms.
"We can explain everything, but right now we gotta go," said Stu, through his excitement. Phil finally made it over to them and Jess raised her arm to shield the light from her eyes.
"Hey, bud. You okay?" asked Phil.
"No. Not okay," he mumbled at them.
"You look good, you got some color. I'm jealous," said Phil waving his hands in front of his face.
"I'm getting married today," said Doug through several breaths.
"Yes, you are. That's why you need to focus and do everything we say. Because, frankly, you're wasting a little bit of time right now," said Phil reading his watch. Doug looked at him with a pissed off expression.
"You fucking asshole!" Doug launched at Phil and they went backwards on the cement roof of Caesar's Palace. Stu, Alan, and Jess jumped away as Doug's foot flew in their face. The moment that Phil and Doug connected with the roof though, Doug rolled off Phil and screamed loudly.
"Oh, my skin burns. My skin burns. Oh, ow! God!"
"It's okay. It's not your fault, Doug," muttered Alan, like he was tending to a child.
"Don't touch me. Shut up!" Doug looked at each of his friends and sister and made a face that resembled a scowl. "All of you, shut up. Just get me home. Just get me home."
*dot*
As the boys ran around getting Doug in the bath to remove some of the peeling skin, Jess and Stu raced around the large suite throwing everything of theirs into suitcases, or bags to jam into the car when it got there. Stu had taken to throwing his and Phil's into random bags, while Jess had at least managed to separate hers, Alan's, and Doug's in their appropriate bags. Phil had managed to get ahold of a tan hat for Doug to wear as they left the suite with Doug in a wheel-car pushed by Phil. Jess and Alan pushed the luggage cart down to get the car.
"Are you sure we can get into LA before the wedding?" asked Alan, as several people gave them odd looks. Jess shrugged her shoulders as they approached the valet area. They stopped and handed the claim ticket to the valet. Jess sat down on an empty spot on the luggage cart. As Phil rolled Doug out the front doors, Stu yelled at his phone trying to check the times for flights to LAX.
"What about the one after that? You cannot be serious. Oh, goddamn it." He finally shouted out.
"What?" asked Phil trying to steer Doug without hurting him more.
"Every flight to L.A. is booked!" muttered Stu loudly.
"What about Burbank?" suggested Phil.
"Sold out."
"Oh, fuck! We can't drive there, the wedding starts in three and a half hours," said Phil looking at Stu and Jess for an answer. "Alan, where's the car?" he snapped at him when he got close enough.
"It's on its way," he said waving at them.
"You know what? We can drive there. We can make it. Okay?" offered Stu as a matter of fact.
Phil leaned against the rail giving Stu a look of empathy. Jess sat down by Doug and readjusted his hat, only to have him swat at her hand. Jess looked up briefly and her eyes settled on Jade who sat by a far away bench.
"Hi," Jade said very distantly to Stu.
"Just give me one second," he said quickly and rushed over to her.
"We will leave without you," snapped Phil.
"Is he missing a tooth?" asked Doug suddenly.
"Yeah," laughed Alan. Jess and Phil smiled as they remembered when they saw Stu's missing tooth.
"Hey," said Stu, a smile on his face at seeing her.
"Hey," smiled Jade. "Can Jess come over too?"
"Jess!" called Stu. She looked up and he waved her over.
"We will leave you too! HURRY UP!" snapped Phil.
"We aren't leaving my sister…," muttered Doug, a look of murder in his lobster color face. Phil and Alan could tell leaving Jess, as Stu had warned, would be very ill-advised.
"Hey, thanks for helping out last night," said Stu as Jess walked up. "That was so awesome."
"Hey girly!" she said to Jess after nodding to Stu. "You forgot something else at my place earlier. Sorry I was being nosy but it looks like you forgot something else." Jade withdrew a small box in a velvet ribbon. "Here," she said handing her the box. Jess opened it and gasped.
"This is the ring I found in my pocket yesterday morning… Wait?! This is... this is Tracy's ring! Her wedding ring!" Jess screamed as she turned to face Doug. Jade smiled as Jess jumped up and down in glee and wrapped her arms around her neck for a hug.
"I was cleaning yesterday and I think it felt out of your pocket when you guys got arrested. It looked really expensive so I kept it until now. I wouldn't want you to lose it."
"I was entrusted with it. You find all the missing things! Thanks!" said Jess turning to give her one last hug.
"Listen, Jade, l..." begin Stu as the two girls stood apart again.
"Look, you don't have to say it. I totally understand," said Jade with a mute face. "This whole thing was stupid."
"It was stupid, wasn't it?" asked Stu seating down. Jess smiled and thought it was stupid what all they did. THEY TOOK A COP CAR!
"This is yours," spoke up Jade a moment later, removing the ring on her hand. Jade looked heart-broken and Jess tried to not cry because she was so sweet and nothing was bad about her. Unlike the devil back in California.
"Oh, thank you," he said giving it a look over. "I can't believe I gave my grandmother's Holocaust ring to someone I just met. What was I thinking?"
"You were really fucked up," offered Jade with a smile.
"Clearly," he said pointing at his tooth.
"You did pull out your own tooth," she confessed holding in a laugh.
"l...? I pulled out my tooth? Why did I pull out my own tooth?"
Jess laughed but let Jade explain. "Alan bet you that you weren't a good enough dentist... to pull out your own tooth."
"Okay. Heh. Of course, he did," he smiled. The irony of it all was Stu was actually a great dentist as Jess had worked with him for so long that she truly understood what hell his friends put him through.
"At least you did it yourself and not me!" laughed Jess. "I would've gotten the wrong tooth!"
"You won," said Jade with a pat to his back.
"Yeah. Clearly. Yeah," he said pointing at his missing tooth again. "That's victory, right there!"
Jess heard the others wrestling with the car before she turned back to Jade and Stu. They were so peacefully adorable. Stu deserved someone like her….
"It needs to go down," stated Alan loudly making the three look over. Phil was arguing with Alan about the truck as Doug looked onward quite annoyed. Jess walked back over and smiled as Phil stomped on the thing. Jess sat next to Doug as Stu finished up his conversation with Jade. As she, Stu, and Doug shifted around several times in the back seat, some forty minutes later Doug finally spoke up.
"At least the trip wasn't a total disaster," he said happily.
"What makes you say that?" asked Phil looking over at him from the driver's seat.
"When I woke up on the roof... I happened to find $80,000 worth of Bellagio chips in my pocket." Doug raised his hand and showed the Bellagio chips in the bag.
"Oh, my God!" screamed Jess.
"Looks like we're going home with some money," happily said Doug resting his arm down again. Alan was madly pushing the buttons on his pager, when suddenly as they entered a busy highway, a van pulled up beside them.
"Here he comes. That's him!" called out Alan as the van got level with them. "Hey, Neeco!"
"Hey. What's up, Alan?" as the man threw over two bags. "Whoo! Whoa, look out." The man pointed to the car that Phil nearly crashed into.
"Oh, shit!" yelled Phil swearing under his breath as he quickly changed lanes and back to Neeco.
"Whoa! Whoa!"
"Thanks, Neeco," shouted Alan as the van threw a smaller package. "Her dress?"
"You got it, man!" smiled Neeco.
"Page me!"
"Adiós!" he called as he closed the door to the van.
"Who the hell was that guy?" asked Stu sitting back down. Phil was busy speeding into another lane to race down the highway more.
"That's my buddy," said Alan.
"Phil we need to stop! I can't do my make up!" yelled Jess after ripping a small corner of her bag. It as a replica of the one that she needed to wear, and it made her think how Alan knew her size. At the moment though, she needed to get Phil to stop!
"We can't right now. Do it when we get to the wedding!" he yelled back.
"PHILLIP! YOU STOP THIS CAR RIGHT NOW!" said Jess standing up her shorts ridding up a bit. A few cars honked their horns at them forcing Phil to stop.
Quickly like their life depended on it, the four men pulled their clothing off their bodies and threw on their wedding tuxes. Or in Jess' case, she pulled off her shirt and shorts and throwing them into the truck with the other's clothes. Several cars passing honked with delight at the near nude girl, but she pulled her dress down and demanded that Phil wrap the white bow around her waist as Tracy would want.
Finally, as Phil was lacing up his shoes, Jess managed to do minimal make up before being rushed back into the car. At least she didn't have to worry about her lipstick going on her cheek as Phil drove insanity to California. Right as Phil got done, he rushed back to the car, demanding them hurry too. Jess ran over, throwing her high heels for the wedding down in her seat and pulled them on as Doug jumped in. Stu jumped into the car next. Phil joked for a moment about driving away and leaving Alan, making him run a few feet without his pants on. Jess took the liberty to apply more eye shadow and blush as Alan hopped into the seat.
"COME ON ALAN!" shouted Phil as he got in and slammed his foot on the gas.
As they continued down the streets of LA, Jess watched as the guys all finished getting themselves ready. She sat on the half-ass folded cover while her hair blew behind her.
That meant that Phil, for about 30 seconds, didn't have his hands on the wheel as he put his tie on correctly. It was amazing he did so fast. Stu was busy with getting his dress socks and shoes on. Alan was seating so still she thought he was constipated. Doug was somehow not screaming as he shaved once more. They skid to a stop in front of the wedding location and they all jumped out. Stu helped Jess out so she didn't break a heel. Lord forbid she breaks a heel!
They ran up the steps and Doug threw open the door, followed by Alan, Stu, Jess and lastly Phil.
"Hey. Sorry, MapQuest took us on a really crazy route," panted Stu as he threw on his jacket.
Phil adjusted his cuffs and tie, as Jess pulled down her dress to its proper length. Alan and Doug were both adjusting their jacket.
"Come on," urged Tracy, getting up taking Jess' hand and leading her to ceremony.
*dot*