It was really hard to see why this time too? Was he doing this all on purpose?

Jess stared at her phone having heard nothing from Phil in the last ten months since Stu's wedding. Doug or Stu weren't talking too much to her after Christmas. It was difficult to understand but maybe they were mad at her for leaving. Try as she might, the first year in their new home was very different from what she imagined living with Jason away from LA. He spent a lot more time out of the house doing work and after heavy questioning once, he explained he was on business in Ensenada, Mexico for

.w3his father. In disbelief, Jess yelled at him for not telling her he was leaving the country, which he said he was only no more than two hours away.

"You're two hours away in Mexico?"

"I'm not leaving for another hour or so and it takes an hour to get through the border at this time of the night. I'll be home later."

But Jess remained anger after hanging up on him and thinking it was so odd his work had taken him to Mexico very regularly in the last few weeks. Finally at four-thirty in the morning, he pulled in and quietly crawled himself into bed, not finding her there. Getting up, he searched the house finding her asleep curled in the lounge chair on the deck. Wrapping in her hands was her phone, a series of messages sent to Phil, none of which were replied to.

One evening, Jason had brought home his childhood driver, a balding man named Malcolm, for a few days. It was explained that he was undergoing cancer treatment, not the kind Mrs. Marshall had, but was in his last final months. The man told stories of Jason's youth entertaining Jess with wild images of a young blond child running around playing football or being a carefree kid. It was quite different of the man now, who stood with a grimace on his face. Malcolm asked him about business, but unspoken words were exchanged as they went to Jason's office to talk privately. Even then, he hid the truth from her, she knowing something had changed in him recently.

It was something he never talked openly about but it was work he found himself buried in late at night. Jess found a lots of places to browse in the city finally plucking the courage to venture further in and exploring without worry. She tried local foods and savored the tastes remembering back to when Phil would do so back home…. No, her brain spoke up every time, home is not Phil anymore…. But with each passing week, Phil was becoming a bittersweet memory.

In her opinion, before Vegas had happened, it meant that life was still unknown and could pause without care. Now, though, she realized that time kept moving forward, never stopping or allowing for hard feelings to come. This was her new norm and it difficult to do so when she wasn't and would never be 100% committed to Jason.

"What's wrong?" asked Carol pulling her hair into a quick braid and taking a long drink from her lemonade. "Girl, I've never seen you so gloomy."

Carol was halfway through finished school and was on break after completing her first year as an elementary teacher assistant in Los Angeles. Tucking her hair back, it finally grown back to shoulder length, Jess sighed knowing her friend knew her best.

"Are you sleeping well?" asked Carol in concern. "And you're skin and bones too. Jason's not being an asshole, is he?"

"No. He's fine. I've just not been hungry lately." Jess confessed that she had noticed the weight drop recently but mostly thought it was unnoticeable. Jason never said anything about it at least.

"Eat something! Please tell me, is everything okay right now? You left in a real hurry last year and it concerns me." Carol sat her hand on hers and there truly was a look of concern about the choice that was forced upon her.

"Care, I just— I just had to get away. Getting away from them— so I can be an adult and do things on my own terms. I miss my life back in LA though."

"Oh?" she asked behind her cup.

"I miss LA is all."

Carol sat there rubbing her hands frowning in thought. She looked up and sat back in her chair.

"You miss Phil," she dared to say. "I've known all along girl. I'm not dense like some people think I am. You love him and he loves you. Why can't you just go back and fuck the man insanely and beg forgiveness."

Jess sat feeling the guilt bubbling in her stomach. She knew she was right. She terribly missed Phil and knew it was not right of her to return to his arms when he shut them so forcefully and ignored everything about her. But they had gotten through long stretches before.

"Oh, yes. I remember us in class and watching how you both acted. It was obvious looking back but the man loves you, Jess. Please rethink everything you've done and just make up. Okay?"

It was easier said than done…

Jess met lots of people from other mommy groups and these people were interested in her too, but something still felt strange about Jack. The boy was as rambunctious as Phil ever was. The boy's hair was turning from the sandy blond to light brown tuff now, it slowly would turn brunette over the years.

The weather was warming as the summer approached. During her jogs she found solace in the quietness of her own mind. The songs playing in her ears between her miles meant that maybe some things just kept going and maybe, just maybe, she ought to do the same.

All she could ever picture was Phil's retreating figure that night in Thailand.

*dot*

This woman couldn't be any more different than the last! His mind screamed at him while he found the smallest amount of pleasure in this sinful act. IT WAS SOMETHING HE WAS CAPABLE OF! But now, his body refused to act right! The blonde's bouncing tits were better than anything he'd seen in a while, but they seemed… just… just too… much…. Phil looked down and stopped himself like he always did. The woman was moaning in pleasure and she was enjoying this more than he. She looked up at him and wrapped her long arms around his neck and gave him a wide smile.

"You okay?" she asked with concern.

"Yeah," he lied removing himself from her. Something just felt wrong.

The woman was gorgeous, sure, and when they meet some hours ago, he felt a little tug at his waist and desire kicked in. From his gathering, this woman was freshly divorced and doing the same as he. This meant nothing to either of them. Sitting on the end of his bed, he put his head into his hands and there flashed an image in his mind that he tried so desperately to banish away. The woman must have gotten the hint as he pushed her away when she reached for his shoulder.

Watching the now furious woman leave, he heard the door slam as she huffed from his house. Her taillights slowly dimmed down the street before turning a corner and disappearing from view fully. Turning away from the window, Phil heard his phone ping another incoming message. He picked up the phone and smiled because she was still trying to contact him after all the harsh words he had said. It was the same person that meant the world to him and her smiling face was the only one he saw on every woman he tried to paint over hers.

Jess…

He tried so hard to get her image out by fooling with these other women but it was usually a failure. The curve of her body, though slender and toned, was the only one he wanted. Her breasts formed perfectly in the cups of his hands and her moans that only he caused resonated in his ears from pure memory. He truly needed to sleep before his body shut down again. Forcing himself to bed, he saw her smiling at him in his dreams. Tossing and turning, his fitful sleeps only meant grumpy mornings.

Today was Friday, April 13 and Jess was turning 21. Midterms had passed recently, and he knew that his students were beginning to compose their final reports for finals in June. Amazingly since the start of school, he maintained the appearance of a happy teacher, but each night he was haunted by the memory of what he had done. Some of the staff had questioned him about the sullen mood which he explained was due to his divorce the prior summer. No one seemed more interested in him than the other single female teachers. Some tried to hit on him, but it usually ended with disappointment.

Making himself barely presentable, he got a coffee from the teacher's lounge and made his way to his classroom. Here at seven in the morning, there were barely any students, but the faint outline of one made him stop.

No, he said to himself. That's not her. She's not a student anymore. But the figure felt so lively that he followed it until it turned the corner disappearing from view.

"HEY!" he called but nothing came back around. Reaching the hallway intersection, he saw nothing there in any direction. "Fuck my life," he muttered before turning back around and returning the direction he intended.

The figure was so clearly Jess as a student. Her long brown hair swaying as she walked, her green backpack on both shoulders, the way her black shoes would tap lightly on each step throughout the building, and the ever-bent elbow holding onto her textbooks or a water bottle under her arm. Unlocking the door to his room, he glanced up and in the corner of his eye, he swore he saw her again. Shaking his head, he entered the room and slammed his briefcase on the desk and grabbed for the marker to start the first lesson. His eyes caught sight of the Great Gatsby on the bookshelf. Cursing himself, he threw the copy into the closet, ignoring everything in his mind. Or at least trying so desperately to do so.

All the while the beautiful image of Jess stayed in his mind throughout the day.

*dot*

It had been a long drive. Long enough that Stu and Lauren had to rest after spending a large of their day traveling to visit Jess in San Diego. It was refreshing to see her and Jack. Jason was at work again, she had said, but he often felt regretful in encouraging Phil to pursue her after everything he had learned after his wedding. Lauren understood he wanted to make sure she was okay and settling into her new home. They had just gotten back late that evening and the raw sense of apprehension leaving behind Jess, made him worry if she was happy down there. Two hours was far enough away to worry.

In Thailand, he watched as Phil and Jess spoke intensely about their relationship. So obsessive that he was concerned they would end up screaming at one another or making out, the latter giving him hope for his friends. However, seeing the way Jess was crumbled into a messy pile of clothes and tears by Phil's words made him want to emerge from the shadows and comfort her. He didn't though as he heard Phil cursing at Jason too. He didn't dare move because Jess's cries were still ringing in his ears a year later.

One morning he opened the office and felt such an overwhelming lose. Pausing at the door to his office, he sighed deeply and tried to shake away the constant feeling of remorse. It was hurting more than it should. Lauren had even asked just last night how he was doing. He cried because Jess really had done so much for his practice and it only now noticed how much it really was.

Sitting, he glanced over at Jess's former desk, seeing it clear and tidy ready for the next assistant. He kept insisting that she would return but it was over a year now. Usually, Jess kept a few small photo frames on her desk of those she loved most. One was of Jake and her at the park, which Stu kept on his desk for safe keeping. Another was of Stu and Jess attending a dental conference in Washington DC.

"Shit," he muttered under his breath. The first client of the day was due in about an hour. It was a little boy that had really opened up to Jess and this was his first visit without her. Stu had taken the liberty to informing the mother that he would not be seeing Jess and it went well on the phone. Sighing he knew this little boy would be a little different than his previous visits.

At eight on the dot, the dental hygienist called the little boy back and Stu waved at him as he walked pass. He seemed to be looking for Jess, and his mother took notice of it too.

"Dr. Price, thank you for your call. He has been talking about Ms. Billings for months. He really wants to show her his loose tooth," she explained patting her son's head.

"Yes, well," he started. "I hope we can work something out. Jessica meant a lot to many patients here!"

The little one sat down and waited but another lady came up confusing the young boy.

"Wait, where is Miss Jess?!" he asked feverishly.

"Hey little guy," said Stu stepping right in and smiling at the young boy. "Miss Jess and her family moved to San Diego."

"Is she coming back?" he asked with tears in his eyes forming. "She was my favorite!"

"She was many boys and girls favorite too! I don't know if she will be able to come back but I've been thinking maybe next time you come in, you can bring in a special drawing and I will make sure it gets to her! How about that buddy?"

The little boy seemed unconvinced and pouted a moment before his mother calmly asked him to sit back in his seat. He returned to the chair and opened his mouth to have it checked. Stu left to sit in his office before returning to the boy when he was called. It really was Jess's doing at opening their practice to pediatric patients. Her bubbly attitude helped kids relax and this little boy was missing her greatly.

After checking a few notes and listening for his next call, he returned to the chair and smiled at the boy while reviewing his chart. He noticed his teeth were growing well and on his bottom tooth very wiggly.

"Jess, central incisor about to erupt," but the assistant stopped typing and stared at Stu with a frown.

"Excuse me Dr. Price," she said standing up and leaving. Cursing himself, the mother of the boy reached out to him.

"Dr. Price, you miss her too?" she asked kindly with an understanding look. "Miss Jess was loved here and I hope where she went, she will be loved even more."

"Yes," he said holding back a sob. "She is well missed."

*dot*

"Doug?"

"What?"

He looked at his wife and saw the confusion on her face. The hurt and grief he felt was something completely different. While she asked no more, she knew what it was about. Meanwhile, Doug stared down at his plate and tried to finish but could not. Jess had acted so strangely when they left Thailand and he knew it was about Phil. He may not have heard the words directly, but he remembered the look of lust in his friend's body language that morning at IHop. The memory of him holding her in complete adoration was the first time he ever saw Phil truly caught in something he loved.

From his memory they hadn't spoken since that night at Stu's wedding. It was hard to believe but Phil was staying true to his words. He had heard from Stu what he had done to her. He knew, however, that Jess was still calling him. That much he knew anyway since they still shared the same phone plan. It bothered him the amount she tried, and it appeared to be more and more as the year drew to the one year mark.

Deep down, he kept feeling lost and maybe a bit more understanding of Jess and their past. Emotionally he felt drained. These were the boxes that she kept over the years and didn't want to get lost with the move. These were documents and things that she didn't want Jason seeing, she had told him after the wedding. Inside the boxes were filled with lots of personal items from when she was kid until adulthood, but one item that Doug found most interesting was a large object wrapped in brown tissue paper with a single piece of tape holding it together. Carefully, he unpeeled the piece back and saw letters inside.

Letters about her past, he never knew about. Things, he was sure, he wasn't supposed to be reading. There were dates so far back and her handwriting was messier and hard to understand. Taking this package inside, he carefully upheaved the whole thing and set out sorting the letters in age.

Dougy says I will visit him when he leave! I can't wait to see his room! One read by the 6-year-old. Maybe I could mve wit him. But I don't wan tub bug him. Mommy says mean thing of him. Mommy is mean mad.

Mommy died today. I care, I do. But Dougy should be here. I really miss him. He promiss me he wil come back and he not. Chrismas just passed. Philly here but Mommy NOOO! SHE IS SO MEAN! I just want Dougy!

December 31, 2000; yes, that was the date their mother committed suicide and forever Jess and Doug were changed for better or worse. For years, Doug sighed in relief without thinking just how hurt his little sister had been suffering through everything their mother caused. That sight of her curled in a ball, tears staining her face was one of the hardest things to see.

Reading the letter about their mother, Doug felt his heart swell up because this was when Jess shut down and refused to let anyone in, much less him. The paper was oddly colored and Doug could only assume that she had been crying while writing. Passing over the next few that were dated around April of 2001, Doug found a letter explaining how Jess really hated Uncle Edward and their bullying cousins. Her next letter exclaimed how she was finally going to be with Doug after a long time. This paper was stained oddly too but all capitals and several smiley faces to Doug was the moment when they reunited and left to New York City.

OMG! Doug will come get me. Someone at school reported the abuse of me. I can't say I am thrilled to see my brother after so long but anything is better than Eddie. Asshole! I wish he would die like my mom. Horrible man. Doug says he has a friend named Stuart that is going to be a dentist. I remember him vaguely and he was cool. Cool Stu! He was really nice too!

Stu got me a teddy with my name on it! It was so cute and sweet and awesome! I Love It!

Several dates passed as Jess's pre-teen life played before Doug and for once he never knew what really went through her head. Something that should have been so oblivious was simply not. A hand rested on his shoulder and Doug shook not realizing he was crying. Tracy stood there with a smile and reached for one of the more recent ones.

Even though, I am enrolled here at Rochester I get to see Phil! I really missed him! He was always there when Doug and he were younger. Hell there is a photo someone of me sitting on his lap when I was 6! OMG! That would be so embarrassing if someone saw that! But Phil has always been my Philly! Maybe one day! OH GOSH! NO! That would be silly!

"Doug, did Jess ever talk about Phil when she was younger?" she asked with a frown as she picked up the next few and scanned them with concern. "She really liked him, didn't she?"

"They were close after we moved back but I never thought about it. He's my best friend and never once did he show anything unusual, but maybe I didn't really look to see it either."

Doug rubbed his temple and suddenly looked at the letter in Tracy's hands that she had forced into his.

"Read this! It explains a lot!" There was seriousness in her eyes and the urgency was clear. This letter would mean more than they would ever guess. Together, Doug and Tracy read the letter and saw what happened that morning in Jess's freshmen year with Phil.

January 12, 2006. I opened about my mom before school today. I really talked about it for a bit and I cried. Hard cries because I could hold it in anymore. It has been 5 years and no wants to talk about their feelings but yet I am expected to behavior like nothing happened. Like my mom fucking kill herself or that my uncle raped me all in the same year. How my own damn brother abandoned me for years and now tries to make it up with meaningless shit. I fucking hate everything but today for once someone held me like they actually cared and his genuine, care and concern helped me so much. I stared into his eyes and saw those beautiful blue eyes staring back at me and it was like everything in his world was there in his arms. It was only me in his eyes. I was the only thing that mattered to him and for once I really felt loved. He wrapped his arms like a protective cloak and held me while I cried and balled like a damn baby even after school. He took me home and Doug isn't home yet but when he cradled me… I felt so safe. I even… wanted to kiss him. I did too. It shocked him. I mean he is 28 years old and best friends with Doug. How could Phil even respond! I probably shocked the hell out of him! I can't believe I kissed my teacher! Well HE isn't MY teacher but still a teacher at my school! OMG!

*dot*

It was finally July! Jason had promised to invite everyone to the Fourth of July celebrations down at the harbor. He had rented a large yacht for the event, and it was crowded in the house leading up to the event. Arranging for Doug and Tracy, with their newborn, with Stu and Lauren, came to San Diego, they all staying a short drive from the house. Jason had also promised Seth and Betty to come as his friends. When Jess was told this, her pencil snapped in half.

"I hoped that was okay since I asked to have Darcy there. You know to see the fireworks—"

"I mean— I guess— that's fine," she said letting out her held breath. It was not okay, but she didn't want to cause a scene. Afterall the guys would be there so everyone would behave.

It surprised her when on the morning of the 4th as everyone was out doing something, either be at the zoo or the waterpark, a firm knock came to her door. Walking over, she didn't see who was there at first, but they were rather impatient.

"Okay! Okay, hold on," she called reaching for the doorknob. Opening the door, she felt her breath hitch in her throat as she stared at the man before her. There stood Phil an equally bewildered expression crossing his face.

"Phil? What— what are you—?"

"Doug told me to head her and drop off this stuff for a celebration tonight," he answered pointing to the large basket of items, which indeed looked like stuff Doug and Tracy would need. "He didn't say you lived here. I thought this was his Airbnb."

"Umm, let's put that in the car. It's in the garage. I'd assume that for later in the yacht."

Motioning for him to follow to the side door, Jess opened the hatch and helped slide the backet of things into the back. Pulling the door down, she saw Phil wasn't moving in the direction of the main house.

"Hey, you wanna hang out, you're welcome to do so but I could use some help prepping the dinner tonight," she said holding her hand out hoping he would take it.

Phil looked up and walked inside to the kitchen where they had passed her prep table. For a few hours, they quietly worked side by side, never passing glances at each other, but remained focused on their task. As the evening waned, Jason called Jess and asked her to meet at the pier with everything at the house. It surprised her when Phil took the seat beside her as they drove the twenty-minute distance. Parking in the spot, she had to call him back to have someone help gather everything into the yacht. From nowhere it seemed they all came and grabbed everything from her RAV4. Phil hung back a moment before she turned back seeing him standing alone, as everyone boarded.

"Oh, come on Phil! It's fireworks and food!"

The man stayed rooted to his place refusing to move. Jess looked at him oddly. He was only here maybe because Doug or Stu forced him, and he wouldn't look at her. Pushing down internal whimpers, she slowly walked to the dock, feeling her heartbeat faster than it should. Seeing him like this, upset her heart, but he was staying true to his words. Jason was standing waiting for her, a smile on his face, holding onto a beer.

"What's up?" he asked pulling his sunglasses down. Pointing at Phil, he drew Jess closer. "I didn't know he was coming."

"I didn't either," she confessed. It was such a thrill to see him but knew she couldn't act on her sentiments. "He showed up at the house and did help prep all this food for everyone. You were at the zoo all day!"

"I'll go get him. He's here already and I should thank him for helping."

Walking off, he returned empty handed. Jason said Phil wasn't feeling well and wanted to avoid the water, which Jess didn't believe. Instead, she looked back to see the man had disappeared. Grabbing a hold of Jason's hand, she took a step onto the yacht. Maybe he really did leave. As night fell, suddenly a loud noise rang out as several fireworks went off all at the same time making Darcy and Jack scream in delight. It would appear the long program had ended in 15-seconds, something that everyone laughed about but enjoyed their time on the yacht soaking up the twilight lights in the pier and drinking lightly. It was perfect…

Except that evening after everyone left, Jess pulled her phone out and tried messaging Phil to see what had happened. Again, there was no reply but the message she sent was read at least.

Wish you would have joined everyone, but I understand why. I'm sorry. I really enjoyed being with you this afternoon.

On the message, it appeared he was typing but then it went blank again. Nothing came through, but that evening after Jason and Jack went to bed, she curled on the lounge seat waiting for something, anything, but it never came. Trying one last time, she called him, and it rang a few times before picking up.

"Hello?" he asked quietly after a few moments silence.

"Phil? Where did you go?"

"I wasn't feeling well. I didn't want to be on the water."

"That's a lie. You didn't want to be near me. Is that it?"

Phil exhaled heavily but didn't answer. Instead, they sat there in silence listening so desperately to the other's breathing. Finally, after ten minutes, he spoke up.

"I enjoyed our time too," he said. Something within her, let out a sniffle hoping it wasn't heard by him. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you cry again. But I won't pretend to be happy when I'm not."

"I understand," she said wiping her face. "But I still miss you!"

"I enjoyed seeing you today." Phil let out a snicker and she assumed he was smiling, at least she hoped. "I gotta go."

With that he hung up and the dial tone ended their conversation. Deeply contained by her emotions, Jess silently cried on the lounge, weeping because Phil had hurt her again. Though this time, it was directly related to his words of over a year ago. It pained her on a subconscious level when he would also revert to teasing her endlessly and they would make up. This time, he remained calm and ignored her. At least he had answered her call, even it was taken in the middle of the night.

*dot*