The State Verses Derek Morgan Ch 20
Mia had stayed at the jail with Derek till almost 9:00 before heading home for the night, she now knew that Hotch and the team had a lead, she only hoped it panned out and that they were able to catch the unsub before Derek's trial started. After Mia left the room Derek was cuffed and led back to his cell, it had been a long day and he was exhausted, exhausted but afraid to sleep, what if he had that same nightmare again, what if he saw himself hurting the woman he loved?", he shook his head and said, "snap out of it Morgan".
He laid down and put his arms under his head, this made night two of his stay in hell, he'd never dreamed that he'd be here, that he'd be in jail for supposedly raping and killing his baby girl, not in this lifetime or the next would he ever hurt her. Derek felt his eyes getting heavy, he fought it for as long as he could but soon fell asleep.
It was the same as it was last time, his dream started out good but quickly changed into a nightmare, he could see himself hurting his baby girl, he could see himself hitting her in the face, hitting her in the back of the head. He was paralyzed in his nightmare, he was forced to watch himself do things to his baby girl, he'd watched himself rip her panties off and plunge inside her, with her fighting him every step of the way.
He raised up screaming, "noooooooooooooo", he wiped the tears away that were streaming down his cheeks, why was this happening to him, why him, why her, when were things ever gonna work out for him, were they ever because right now things were looking pretty doubtful that he'd ever be cleared of these crimes.
As he laid there trying to calm down he said, "I love you baby girl, you are my light in the darkness, you are the love of my life, you are my all seeing all knowing oracle, you are without a doubt the best thing that ever happened to me". He balled his hands into fists and hit the wall beside him over and over until his knuckles started bleeding, he then stopped and said, "are you that monster in your nightmares, did you really do that to her, did you really hurt her like that after what you went through yourself when you were a little boy.
Derek shook his head and said, "why didn't I tell you that I was head over heels in love with you when I had the chance, ohhhh I had a million chances but failed on every turn, I didn't have the courage to tell you how i truly felt because I was afraid of being rejected". He blew out a deep breath and said, "please let this all be a dream and let me wake up to see my baby girl, please, please help me, I don't deserve to be here, I didn't hurt her".
As memories of her flashed in his mind he said, "if I ever get to see you again, I'm never gonna let you go, I keep hoping that Hotch or pretty boy is gonna tell me that it's all a joke that you're not dead, that you're still alive". Tears streamed down his face and he said, "if I could turn back time I would tell you how much you mean to me, I would tell you that I want to spend the rest of my life with you that I want to marry you and have a house filled with our beautiful babies."
He wiped away the tears and said, "but those days are gone, I'll never get the chance to see you again, I won't even get to go to your funeral, I'll never get to see you again, in anything other than movies and pictures". As he looked at the scratches on his arm he couldn't help but wonder what happened, why couldn't he remember anything other than those flashes of memory, would he ever be able to remember anything, at this point in time he doubted it.
Derek rolled onto his side and said, "good night baby, I love you, I miss you, I wish that I could do something to bring you back to me but I can't, I'm so lost without you here, if I hurt you like they are saying I did, do I even deserve to live, do I deserve to live when you didn't, when I killed you, ohhhh baby did I kill you, I don't want to believe that I could ever hurt you but with the amount of drugs and alcohol in my system it's highly possible".
Derek wanted right now was for the earth to open up and swallow him whole, because if he did what the police are saying and thinking he did, then he didn't want to live anymore, he didn't want to live in a world where his baby girl didn't exist, not now and not ever.