29) And I Am Done With My Graceless Heart

Funny how they seemed to always end up talking on the bridge. Maybe because Mal came on shift right after she did. Riddick was cautiously starting up a…something with River. It had taken a while but the two of them had come to some sort of an accord because Riddick had relaxed more around the dark-haired (female) pilot. She doubted they'd actually done anything more than talk and flirt but before he'd settled it in his mind, Riddick's nights with Carolyn had been getting farther and farther apart.

It hadn't been long after she'd explained the etiquette involved in relationships that Riddick had come and talked to her. If she wanted to be held, he'd be okay with it, but he was pretty sure she knew sex was off the table. She'd been able to smile and assure him that she was fine with it. She liked to think their friendship was more solid, stronger because they were both honest about it. He'd taken her offer of an open ear if he needed to talk with that boyish grin that made him look about seventeen.

"Somethin' bothering you," Mal's voice called Carolyn out of her thoughts.

"Oh, just thinking on…shifting dynamics," She gave him a half smile. "Some things…even when you're half expecting them, the actuality takes you by surprise."

"Rick an' River," The Captain nodded, hair flopping in his eyes. So, he had caught on that Riddick was showing off for River a bit during that U-day fight. River had seemed to appreciate it, showing off for him just as much. "Cute how they flirt while they're beating up drunks."

"Wouldn't have thought you'd find it so," Carolyn's lips quirked up more fully.

"Well, you might could say that I don't mind those two sparkin' on each other much," Mal shrugged. "Seein' as he's left your bed and there's been a decent amount of time between that exit and his starting to really…pursue River."

"I think he half wondered if you and she were going to start something up," She suggested in a mildly teasing tone. Part of her truly wondered if Mal was interested in the slender Core pilot. He had a thing for dark hair and pale skin apparently, if Inara was any sort of indicator.

His violent twitch and horrified look at the idea said otherwise, "Dà xiàng bào zhà shì de lā dù zi, that's just… diān dǎo…the girl's less than half my age."

"Never stopped old men with money," Carolyn smirked at him. "Plenty of May/December romances going on in White Sun."

"You wanna call me a yín chóng or a lǎo píao just go on and do it," He leaned back once he saw she was teasing. "You don't gotta give me a heart attack on top of it."

Her smirk widened to a grin, "Well you can be fairly protective of her. And since she has an older brother… And she's also pretty gorram capable of protecting herself. So… what exactly was he supposed to think?"

"That's just…zhè fēng kuáng," Mal shook his head. "The girl's young enough to be my daughter." He did seem a little stuck on that one point. Of all the things for him to get hung up on Carolyn wouldn't have picked age as one of them. Mal seemed like the type who didn't care so long as who he wanted felt the same way about him.

"That hasn't ever made much of a difference when one or both parties are determined," Carolyn reminded him. "I don't doubt that she's at least considered the possibility. Even if she didn't follow through, River doesn't strike me as someone who ignores an attractive man right under her nose."

"She could be the jué dài jiā rén and I wouldn't want her in my bed," He rolled his eyes. "The girl's like a daughter to me."

"That why you were givin' Rick the stink eye after the fight ended," She wondered. She seen Mal giving Riddick a glare and had wondered over it until she saw where Riddick's eyes were glued. Firmly to River's pì gu.

"Ah, that's more habit than meaningful," Mal shrugged. "And it never hurts to remind a man that a girl's got a daddy to watch out for her. 'Specially when her brother ain't any great shakes with a gun."

Carolyn chuckled, "Simon does seem pretty…green."

"Oh, he's as a babe in a basket when we met," The Captain shook his head. "He's improved some but he's still more raw than not. He really couldn't a gone anywhere but up. But at least he knows which end of a gun to hold now. And Kaylee's softened some of those sharp corners of his."

"I did notice the two of them are…" Carolyn paused trying to find a word that conveyed the sweet (and disturbing adorable) behavior of the ship's doctor and mechanic.

"So honey sweet they rot your teeth," Mal suggested.

"Rick said if they got any more lovey dovey, hearts would start fluttering on wings around them," She smirked.

"Speakin' of Rick, how're you doin'?" The Captain shifted the topic with all the grace of a bull in a china shop. Carolyn eyed him curiously. Mal wasn't the most suave individual but he wasn't usually quite so blunt.

"I'm…all right," She replied slowly. "What does that have to do with Rick?"

"Part of why I'd had that little talk with you a while back was it occurred to me that there was room for plenty of heartache and hurt feelings if Rick took it into his mind to keep flirting with River and with the intention to do more than flirt eventually," Mal shrugged. "And not just on River's part, since the two of you were…keeping company at the time."

"Oh," Carolyn nearly laughed, but shook her head. "I'm not nursing a broken heart or wounded feelings Cap'n," She assured him with a smile. "That's not the sort of relationship we had. We're stronger friends for having been together, I think. There's things I wouldn't understand about him unless we'd been lovers. We're good though."

"And the rest of it," Dark blue eyes were more shrewd than she liked, fixed on her face. "Those ghosts that follow you around?"

"Ah…those…" Carolyn shook her head. "Can't seem to shake them… like carrying a dead horse."

"Help to talk about it?" It wasn't an offer lightly made; she could see that much on his face. Hell, if he was going to think less of her, she'd rather know before she started thinking of him as even more of a friend than he already was.

"What's the old saying, every demon wants his pound of flesh," She sighed. "Just…if you decide to throw me off the boat, do it while we're dirtside?"

"Cain't be all that bad," Mal shook his head.

Carolyn looked at him and sighed again, "Well let's hope not." Time to tell him the entire story of what she'd done. They'd talked about the sky sharks, the eclipse and hell planet, but not what she'd nearly done during the crash. Well… tiào chū fǔ dǐ jìn huǒ kēng. She began, "The boat I sailed with was a container ship, got hit by some random tail of a comet, meteorites or something…"

When she'd finished explaining that she'd nearly purged all the passengers in an effort to save her own skin Mal was silent for a moment. For an instant she wished she had Riddick's senses, that uncanny ability to know how someone felt by the way they smelled or the rate of their heartbeat and breathing.

"I didn't start out on Serenity straightaway after the war," Mal said, seemingly apropos of nothing. "Took ship on an old tank lifter, set up for cargo hauls, ten of those containers mag-locked onto the ship. I was just a co-pilot, gun hand if need be, First Mate and Captain over me and four or five others not including the mechanic and pilot. We got a distress call."

Carolyn tilted her head, thinking that it must've been a helluva distress call. Mal nodded slowly, her expression must've given away her mental musings. "It's a shí 'èbùshè thing, to stand by and do nothing while it is decided to ignore people about to die." He spread his hands, "They were all in agreement, the Captain and his First Mate, the Pilot too. Didn't have the room for the three-dozen folk on the other ship. Didn't have the time or we'd lose money on the cargo we were delivering." He shook his head, "And I sat and didn't say a word in protest. Didn't point out we could take the kids, we could act as a relay and pass the call on, didn't say word one. Just kept doin' my job."

"That when you decided to get your own boat," Carolyn asked quietly.

"It was," The Captain nodded. "I'd sailed with them for the better part of eighteen months, saved every last bit of my pay I could. Took my leave the next time we got to Beylix."

"Did you ever find out what happened to that ship?" She kept her eyes on his face, watched as his mouth twisted with regret.

"I made a point of looking into it," He nodded again. "A cruiser picked up the signal, got there in time to keep about half the folks alive. Didn't ease my conscience any though."

"No," Carolyn shook her head. "And even if I didn't get to pull that lever, I've got to live with the idea that I would've." She stood and patted his shoulder, "At least your instincts were on the right track Mal." Surprise washed through her as he took her hand and rubbed his thumb over her knuckles.

"Don't mean much seein' as folk still died," He returned. "And you didn't kill anyone, even if you meant to for a while."

"People still died though," She murmured. "I couldn't keep them alive."

"At the risk of sounding callous, uncaring and cold… People will do that," He stood and put his hands on her shoulders staring her in the eye, his face almost intimately close to hers. "People die Carolyn, nothin' we can do to prevent it. But failing to keep people alive isn't the same as killing them."

"Feels the same," Carolyn admitted in a more broken voice than she cared for.

"Yeah, that it do," Warm lips, pressed to her forehead, and his big palm cupped the back of her head like a benediction. "You ever need company b'sides your ghosts, you come knock on my door, don't care about the hour."

The last thing she'd expected when she'd come aboard Serenity was kindness. Especially not from this broken man with his gentle blue eyes and aching smile. "I, uh," She looked up at him, unable to put much spine into her voice. "I might…take you up on that." Her mouth twisted wryly, "Considering everything that's gone on."

"Well, ain't like there's someone takin' up my time, and you already know sometimes I don't sleep," Mal gave her a lopsided grin. "Be happy for the company."

How was it this man made her feel better when she'd been expecting him to lecture her and throw her off the boat?

Author's Note: I have this idea in my mind that until you figure out a way to live with your own actions they'll haunt you. Carolyn's been trying but having Riddick (an admitted murderer) tell her she's not that bad isn't as reassuring as he might intend. People who are haunted can either sink into despair and end themselves or they can work to reconcile with their ghosts and figure out how to live with them. To that end, Riddick has been keeping an eye on Carolyn because he wasn't sure which way she'd jump.

Chinese Translations:

Dà xiàng bào zhà shì de lā dù zi (To have the explosive-type diarrhea of an elephant)

diān dǎo (To turn upside down / to reverse / back to front / confused / deranged / crazy)

yín chóng (literally, lewd worms. Men who frequently enjoy having sex with women)

lǎo píao (literally, old frequenter of prostitutes.)

zhè fēng kuáng (that's crazy)

jué dài jiā rén (beauty unmatched in her generation (idiom); woman of peerless elegance / prettiest girl ever)

pì gu (butt)

tiào chū fǔ dǐ jìn huǒ kēng (out of the frying pan into the fire)

shí 'èbùshè (wicked beyond redemption (idiom) / heinous)