Content warning: self-harm.
Verity
He was intimidating, his presence loaded and icky. My skin prickled from the sheer thought of catching his attention. Yet when he stared at me, his cold gaze scraping me raw, I forced my chin up and met his eyes. Unknown strength overtook me as the stupidest remark of my life left my mouth.
And then I smirked.
Smirked!
To humanity's strongest and my new captain!
I swear, sometimes it seemed as though my body had a will of its own. And apparently, its will was a soon-to-come death. I shuddered, just remembering that moment. Part of me still wondered why I had spoken up at all. It was so unlike me. Yet something'd pushed me to open my mouth back then.
The cold morning wind only added to my shivering, and I crossed my hands around my chest, trying to warm up. ODM gear weighed me down, rough leather straps cutting into my shoulders and hips. The first time I wore it, I'd thought I could get used to how uncomfortable it was.
Well, I couldn't.
The bulkiness and heaviness of the whole mechanism made me feel small and weak. Although, the clenching noises of the scabbards and cylinders made my blood boil with anticipation. The rough surface of the sword handles scraped my palms. Still, I only greeted it with excitement, pushing all too familiar anxiety out of the way.
"You must cut down as many dummies as possible within the timeframe. Mind that some of them can move. Are you ready?"
I nodded, ignoring my wobbling knees, as I stepped forward. A girl a few years older than me stood back, waving her hand at the technicians controlling the dummies. I glanced at the captain, standing to the side, preparing to jump into the air after me, so he could examine my ODM skills up close.
I would have never thought that humanity's strongest soldier was so short and prickly. Not that I had thought about it before. But Capitan was nothing that I could have imagined. When I saw him in the commander's office less than an hour ago, he wore a suit. It was meticulously ironed and perfectly fitted. He looked out of place, wearing it inside a military facility. His black hair was styled in the undercut, long strands falling on his face and partially covering his grey eyes. He scowled the whole time I was in there.
I felt him studying me, his gaze slow and scrutinising when it slid across me like a physical touch. It made me sick to my stomach. My skin prickled, and I couldn't focus on anything but his drilling stare. Hot and cold waves of nausea rocked me, and cold sweat ran down my back, making it hard to concentrate on anything the commander was saying. I felt danger coming off him, like a fine perfume. But I also saw something… else in him. He looked somehow familiar, yet I couldn't quite place it. The way he held himself made him seem taller. His demeanour was impossible to ignore. The pressure of it was that of a quiet dungeon cell, invisible yet unbearable.
Captain turned to me then, his eyes meeting mine. It felt like an electric impulse sent down my spine. He looked disinterested, bored even. But his eyes were alert.
"The time is ticking, you know," the girl near me said, jerking me out of my stupor. And I turned towards the forest, nodding and readying myself.
My hands clutched painfully around the sword handles. The release button quietly screeched underneath my fingers, and the cables flew up, connecting with the closest tree. My body was jerked forward, and I had to regroup in the air, shifting my weight and controlling airflow, just like Kenny had taught me. Before my legs touched the trunk of the closest tree, I released another cable, changing direction. My body twisted in the air, adrenaline rushing my veins like a drug. Excitement and pure ecstasy poisoned my blood as I flew towards the first titan dummy on the training grounds.
I shifted my weight to my left leg. Leather cords that were strapped cress-crossed around my thighs tightened, and, once I strained my muscles, balancing in the air, my body turned, switching directions. I released a hook into the tree left to the dummy and flew in a sharp turn, my stomach twisting. Before reaching the branch, I released the cable again, just short of the contact. My feet scraped the bark of a tree, and I pushed off and down, flying between the dummy's legs. My right hand reached up and shot the cord into titan's neck. I drew nearer, churning in the air and getting momentum to my swing. I cut at the target. The force of it splintering the soft wood. Half-smile played on my lips as I pushed away from the dummy, somersaulting back and catching onto the next tree and closer to my next target.
I encircled it at high speed, twisting and turning my body so that I could avoid dry pine branches pointing in every direction. Then, shooting right, I pulled myself forward. Dummy's legs roamed just on the brink of my vision when it moved, the mechanism shifting it forward. For a second there, I helplessly stared at the approaching wooden leg, but then I forced myself to react, and my cables shot down, sending me toward the ground. I barely escaped the imaginary kick from a wooden titan when I had to twist in the air yet again, this time not to break my ribs in the hard undergrowth. I shot out the cords behind my back blindly, not caring where they connected. Finally, I pressed on retreating button, watching the ground slowly move away. I could almost see each separate pine needle on the carpeted ground as my body shot up and toward the titan's body.
The angle was terrible, though. I could not get enough momentum to twist and avoid contact. Bracing myself for what had to be a painful crash, I released the right cord, hoping to change direction with my weight. It helped, although not as much as I had hoped. I crashed into a dummy with my left side. My shoulder screamed in pain, and my lungs hollowed from the impact. But before the pain could settle, I forced my other hand to release the cord. The mechanism screeched, and I got pulled right and behind the dummy. Pushing my body to turn, I swung my blade, slicing through the wooden patch on the back of its neck with all the strength I could muster with that angle, which wasn't much. But the wood splintered enough to make me sigh and jump off.
I sliced at dummies one after another, trying to ignore the more pronounced pain eating at my shoulder until the command "stop" shouted. I froze in place. The dull swords I had in my hands shook from the effort I gripped them with. I stared at the last dummy in front of me. The cut on its neck was barely even a scratch. Despite all the training, I still wasn't even close to being good. My endurance and physical strength were nothing compared to most soldiers. I knew that because Kenny had made me train with some of the MPs after this mission of his was secured. All those lessons had taught me one thing for sure, that I could only rely on my stubbornness if I couldn't outdo others in physicality.
Getting back to the beginning of the training path would generally take under a minute, but my side hurt too much for me to continue flying through the trees. So, I opted for walking instead, feeling as slow as one of those damned slugs that inhabited the Underground. How I hated those slimy things when I lived down there…
The girl who commanded my start whistled loudly, making me flinch. But everything dimmed compared to the other girl who screeched and rushed toward me, ignoring the shouts of others.
My hands jerked up, checking that my sleeves were down and gloves in place. I didn't want to be touched, even on accident. I watched the girl rush toward me, her steps long and urgent.
"This was cool! You are very good at positioning yourself in the air. It's quite rare to see that amount of skill in a newcomer. I'm so glad you've decided to join our ranks!" She rumbled, and I stared at her, feeling uncomfortable at the unexpected praise. She waited a few moments before nodding and continuing. "My name is Hange; I'm the lead of the science department over here. I like everything new and unknown, which includes you," she said with a wink, and I took an involuntary step back, eyeing her uneasily. I didn't mind being friendly in theory, but the idea of closeness scared me. I couldn't stop thinking if she wanted me to act a certain way or if she needed something from me.
"Leave her be, four eyes," a familiar voice sounded, and I couldn't stop myself from feeling relieved as Captain Levi reached us. He looked as annoyed as the time I'd first seen him. The only difference was him staring Hange down instead of me. It was a pleasant change in the scenery, I supposed.
"But I like her," the girl argued, meeting my eyes. I shifted my gaze to the ground, trying to escape her scrutiny.
"Well, I'm sorry to put it out there, but not everybody likes you back." Captain's words made me flinch, even though they were pointed to someone else. I peeked at him. His eyes didn't stray from Hange, his, what I could already call – common, a scowl darkening his features. Hange only laughed, leaning her head back. Tears started to sparkle behind her heavy glasses.
"Oh, Levi, you always crack me up," she rubbed at her eyes and looked at me once more. "Don't let him intimidate you. He is a fluff when you know how to rub his stomach."
"Spare me," he tsked, rolling his eyes.
"Thank you, Hange," I rushed out quietly. "I appreciate the praise."
"Oh, I can already tell we will be great friends," she claimed, barely hiding her excitement.
I glanced at the captain then, watching his scowl deepen.
"Oh, come on, Levi. Tell the girl she did well. It can't hurt you, I promise," Hange drew out, but he only looked at her as if she'd just claimed to be a titan herself.
"Good? She crashed into one of the dummies. It would have killed her if it had been a real titan," he said, shifting his gaze to me. Disappointment and shame rushed me, and I bit my lower lip, trying to fight the unwanted sting in my eyes. "We are going to see how she does in hand-to-hand combat," he promised, and all the blood drained from my face.
I sucked at it even on a good day, but now with a hurt shoulder… There was no chance. How lucky was I that on the first day of my "transfer," I would be evaluated based on the one thing I was the worst at?
I survived Underground. I survived my "father". How hard can hand-to-hand combat with humanity's strongest be, compared to that?
To reassure myself, I stared at the clouded grey skies, which only reminded me of the pressing stone ceiling I used to see for most of my life. Choking on the next breath, I tried to slow a rising panic at the thought that I could fail in my promise to Kenny.
No. This is not going to happen. I will do it.
It was all that mattered, after all.
Levi
She was bad at hand-to-hand combat. Terrible even.
In fact, I'd never seen anyone worse.
Her gaze, full of something akin to hatred, turned toward me as she tried to get up to her feet yet again. Her leather gloves slipped on the sweat-covered mat, and she lost her balance, flipping back down on her left side. A low hiss escaped her lips upon the contact. I frowned, looking at her gloves, trying to ignore curiosity sparkling somewhere deep down. But I didn't ask. Not when I really shouldn't have cared.
"Get up," I commanded, watching her scramble to her feet. She didn't reply, shifting her glove around as though it made her uncomfortable. "Do you need help taking that shit off?" I asked, losing patience.
"No."
"Then pick up your fucking weapon and try and block me this time," I commanded, shifting into a fighting stance. Verity sighed and leaned down to pick up her training knife. When she finally mirrored my stance, she lifted the wooden blade, her hand trembling with the effort.
I turned the knife in my hand, letting it spin on my palm. The calming feel of it sent a pleasant thrill down my spine, like a shock of electricity, sharpening my senses. Focusing on the opponent in front of me, I took in her stance, how weakly her slender hand was holding the blade, how heavy and uneven her breathing was, and how she would always position herself as if hiding her left side.
Taking a step to the left and watching her follow my move closely, I lunged right, throwing the blade out in front of me. Verity saw my attack, but the awkward block of my hand she'd attempted was a little short of a mosquito bite. Her weak blocking attempt only left her more open. I thrust my blade forward, the wooden tip of it piercing her shoulder.
She yelped and, losing balance, started to fall back. But instead of covering her undoubtedly hurt shoulder, she reached forward. Her fingers entwined in my shirt, and she pulled, forcing me to follow. I wasn't expecting her to use her wounded arm, and she caught me off guard. I fell forward with the unexpected force of her pull.
A sharp pain pierced my chest as I landed on her, making me hiss. My hands, which I threw out to soften the fall, tingled from the impact, and I pushed myself up to my hands and knees. Looking down, I found the edge of her wooden blade positioned in the middle of my chest.
"Don't underestimate me," she rasped, her breathing laboured. I met her gaze then, irritation tickling my insides. The corners of her lips turned up slightly, and she let her head fall back to the mat.
"You didn't block my attack," I said, pushing up and stepping away. Annoyed at myself for allowing her to catch me off guard. "You would have been dead right now if this was a real weapon."
"Wouldn't you?"
I ignored her question, looking down and noticing her wince at the attempt to get up.
Her technique was terrible. Her ODM skills were oddly uneven. She knew how to balance herself in the air, yet her orientation and reaction times were horrible. She sucked at the hand-to-hand combat. And these were excellent marks at the soldier's academy? My ass they were.
Who are you…
"Get up. You need to go to the infirmary," I said, walking off the mats and picking up my towel.
"Why? I'm fine."
"No, you are fucking not. You should have watched your surroundings better. Outside the walls, there is no window for a mistake. You freeze once, hesitate once, and you are dead. Worse even, your whole team is dead. And I'm not letting that happen."
She frowned, still lying on the floor. I didn't give her a second glance as I turned to the exit of the training hall.
"The infirmary is on the east wing, second floor. Ask for some painkillers and be ready tomorrow morning at eight. Apparently, we have a lot of grounds to cover before the next mission in three weeks."
I slammed the door right behind me as my words echoed in the hall.
Erwin owed me a bag of the most expensive tea he could find within the Wall of Sina for this bullshit of a task.
"So, what do you have to say about your new recruit?"
I winced and glowered at Hange sitting across from me at the dinner table. She looked as happy as ever, interest glistening in her eyes. I took a big sip from my teacup before replying:
"She's shit at everything."
"Well, that's not true, now is it? We all saw her at the training grounds. The way she operates ODM is so natural. I wish I could do that twist she did in the attempt to avoid hitting that titan."
"She still crashed in it, remember?" I glowered at Hange, who suddenly had a dreamy face.
"Yes, but it could have been worse. Didn't you see it?" She looked at me questioningly, her gaze searching my face for something. I only blinked at her and took another sip of my tea. After a while, she sighed, giving up. "Act as you please, but it's obvious she'd picked your interest. Otherwise, you wouldn't train her yourself."
I scowled at her, bitter taste covering my mouth with the weight of truths I couldn't voice. "If she is shit when we go to our next mission, she becomes a liability and puts a threat on my team."
"Yeah, yeah. I can see interest shining behind that usual scowl of yours," she waved her hand holding a spoon in the air, sending tiny droplets of soup flying all over the place. My irritation spiked, and I opened my mouth to tell her off when a loud thud interrupted me.
Everyone in the hall turned to the furthest table, where Verity stood; her chair turned over. My team sat around the table, staring at her in what I could only call disbelief. Petra was standing frozen a few steps away from her, hands in the air as though she was reaching out to her.
Verity didn't look up and quickly turned to the exit, walking fast, just on the edge of sprinting.
"What was that about?" Hange asked, staring at the door that slammed behind Verity. My eyes moved to my team, jumping from one member to another and stopping on Petra. She caught my gaze, looking sheepish. "Did Petra do something?"
I sighed heavily and rose, pushing my chair back. "This is what I meant when I said she is shit at everything."
"Oh, come on, Levi. You are the grumpiest person in the scout's regiment. You can't complain about other people's behaviour," she claimed, taking a mouthful of her soup.
"You are the one to talk. If someone mentions how titans squat when they need to take a shit, you gonna come running to inspect the angle their knees bend at," Hange choked at my words, coughing loudly.
"Walls… Levi, could you inform me next time you plan to make a joke so that I make sure there is nothing in my mouth and I can't choke to death?"
I tsked and walked away, cursing Erwin once more that he made me deal with this bullshit.
Verity
Rushing through the doors, I slipped on the wet ceramic floor and almost fell to the ground, catching my balance at the last second on the wall. My body shook, and I could feel the panic closing in on me, the red of it colouring the edges of my vision.
My hands trembled as I struggled to undo the buttons of my shirt. My fingers wouldn't obey, and I gave up after a few moments, choking on the air that tasted like mold. It scraped at the back of my throat, only scratching my lungs as it went down. I walked straight through the dressing room and toward the showers, hoping everyone was in the dining hall. I practically sprinted to the empty stall on the farthest side of the bathroom.
I shut the stall door and turned on the shower. Ice-cold water fell on my face, making me flinch. I trembled even more but didn't step away, inviting the sting of it and hoping for the cold to take away every other feeling. My knees gave out, and I fell to the floor, my clothes soaking wet and sticking to my body. Reaching behind me, I pulled closer my bag. Jerking the zipper open, I ripped at the sides and pulled out my washcloth.
Tearing at my shirt once more, I managed to get it off. My fingers closed around the rough edges of the washcloth, and I brought it close. Every time I used it, it scratched my skin bloody. But I felt clean after. I felt pure. As if I'd finally washed all of it away, gotten rid of the dirt clinging to my skin.
That feeling didn't last, though.
Bringing it to my arm, I rubbed. Images of that blond girl putting her hands on me in a hug were painfully vivid in my memory. Goosebumps rose, covering my skin, and I couldn't tell if it was cold, fear, or the memories knocking at the doors of my consciousness.
His touch. His words.
I pressed on the washcloth, closing my eyes and focusing on the sting of pain it left behind rather than memories.
"Didn't I tell ya that I hate when you speak up?! Get on your fucking knees! No, no. Not like that. I want to see your ass up in the air. Now, bitch!"
A quiet wail left me, and I pushed my forehead into my knees. Breathing. Breathing.
Choking.
I couldn't do it. Not this time. Not when the walls were closing in on me, leaving me alongside the worst of my memories. Making me relive them. It burned like acid to think of what I had to do to survive in the past. Hatred akin to nothing I'd ever felt before blazed inside. I closed my eyes, blindly reaching for the bag to my right. My fingers closed on the small wooden box containing a typical shaving kit. Except in my case, it held only one object.
I pushed the box open, choking on the tearless sob, and pulled out a razor. Scars on my forearms itched as though expecting the painful touch of the sharp edge splitting my skin. Inviting it.
Red water circled around the drain. I watched it dully, finally feeling nothing but the cold, rocking my body with shivers. Why did it have to be like this? Why did I have to do this every time someone touched me? Why did it have to be me in the first place?
A long time passed before I picked myself up and washed the blood away. I turned off the water and bandaged my wounds, guilt already taking root. I cleaned the blood off my white scout shirt as best I could, taking a note to claim a bad period or something when I asked for the substitute. My clothes were soaking wet, so I wrapped myself in the big towel and stepped out into the dressing room. It was blissfully empty, which made me hope that I could escape back to my room unnoticed.
I pushed on the corridor door, hugging the towel close to me. I glanced out, and only once I made sure there was no one did I come out, shutting the door quietly and sneaking down the hall.
The painful throbbing of the cuts on my forearms was an all too familiar reminder that no matter where I went, I was always alone in my misery.
I should never forget that.