AN

I'm still looking for a critique partner/beta reader for a few of my writing projects. If anyone is willing, do send me a message.

I hope I'm doing a somewhat decent job at writing these characters. I've recently made the mistake of rereading some of my favourite manga volumes of AoT, and now I feel like a horrible fraud trying to add to the story that is perfection in itself. T_T

The upcoming schedule is still going to be weird af. But I promise to post a chapter every few weeks. Sorry for being so disorganised, but adulthood can do that to a person.

Levi

Our time was running out.

We had two days left until the next planned mission beyond the walls. And my team wasn't ready.

To say the least…

I scowled at Gunther trying his best to attack a dummy. They were playing out a support scenario. Verity, his partner for this round, was supposed to take all the attention from a titan and let Gunther go for a kill. Instead, she left her position and flew downward, almost cutting the grass with her gear at speed she was going, and shot up, changing her direction at the very last second to twist and attack the back of the titan's neck. Gunther staggered in surprise and shot his cords randomly. He slumped on them in midair and flew forward like on a swing, just barely avoiding the dummy's head. He didn't expect Verity to leave her assigned position and attack.

Neither had I.

I jumped then, my body following the pull of the gear. Thrusting from tree to tree, I finally reached them, landing with a soft thud on the dummy's shoulder.

"What the fuck was that?" I yelled, my gaze jumping between them. Gunther shrunk, shifting on his feet. But she… She stared right back, her face red from exhaustion yet blank from any expression. "Care to explain, why the fuck did you decide to go for attack when you were assigned to support?"

"I saw an opening," she claimed, her breathing heavy.

"And how does that justify not following a simple order?" I was losing patience. My voice sounded sterner than I'd meant it to.

"He was slow."

"Hey! I was waiting for you to take the attention off me," Gunther exclaimed, his face going even redder.

She mumbled something under her breath and shrugged. I clenched my hands into fists. Out of all the walls-damned MP soldiers, they had to send us the most incompetent.

"Are you not capable of following simple commands?" I saw Gunther flinch at my tone in the corner of my eye. But I didn't take my eyes off Verity, who averted her gaze, staring blankly into the woods. "You are a team. Do I need to go over simple descriptions of what exactly that means? Try again. And this time, make sure to work as one."

I jumped off, controlling my breathing and taking hold of the anger spiking deep within. Landing, I switched my attention to Petra and Oluo, who were having a blast based on their loud laughter and easy demeanour. Eld was jumping from tree to tree, doing his best and taking attention off his partner. Harold jumped seemingly out of nowhere. He flew directly toward the dummy's back like a bullet. One swing and it was done. Fast and efficient as ever. I watched them absentmindedly for a few minutes. My mind involuntary shifted back to yesterday.

I walked to my team, probably glowering more than usual, based on how uneasy and jumpy they seemed. As soon as I reached their table, Petra shouted:

"I didn't do anything, captain, I swear!"

"I can confirm that," Eld chimed in, jumping to his feet in front of her as though trying to protect her from me or something.

"I need to know what happened."

My teammates exchanged a long, meaningful look. "I hugged her," at last confessed Petra, looking anywhere but at me. I was about to call her out for lying when Oluo interrupted:

"We were being friendly, welcoming her to the team. But something tripped her off. It's not our fault, really."

"You are telling me she stormed off because of a hug?"

"Well, no. We asked her questions. Rather personal ones, now that I think of it. But Petra was being genuine. She just wanted to welcome Verity into the team. We know that no one gets a place here if they don't deserve it. And we need to be comrades to work together smoothly on the field…." Eld trailed off, making eye contact with everyone around the table. I sighed. I believed them. There was no reason not to. They were all handpicked by me, with skills and personal traits playing the better part in my decision. Verity, on the other hand, was anything but a good soldier. Not a good teammate either, it seemed.

Erwin, walls dammed it…

No matter how irritated I felt, though, I did exactly what I'd promised him – I spied on my subordinate. Or rather tried to, because when I left the dining hall, just minutes after she did, Verity was nowhere to be found.

I knew there was something wrong with her from the very beginning. But now I was starting to suspect something more. Either she was fucked up beyond belief, or it was all a play with a well-formed motive at the end of a line. And I was more likely to believe that than anything else.

What are you?

Verity

Please no.

Just about anywhere else is fine, just not here.

No…

"Hi," Hange slammed her tray on the dinner table right in front of me. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, stupidly hoping she was just an illusion. "It's a rather dark corner you picked. Walls, is it spider webs I see?" She stared at the corner of the specious hall, which happened to be right behind me. I chose this table for a reason – I didn't want to be bothered. I guess, Hange didn't get the memo. "Better not show this to Levi. He would flip the shit out."

I looked at her then, out of curiosity more than anything. "Why?"

"Why what? Have you met him?" she laughed at her own words and dug into her pumpkin mash with a fork. I stared at her questioningly, and after a few moments, she noticed. "What, didn't he make you clean stables yet?" She looked at my blank expression and choked. "He didn't? For real?"

She coughed for a solid minute, and only after a few huge gulps of tea did she finally speak:

"Oh my, this is odd."

I shook my head in confusion. "Why is this odd? Is this something Survey Corps soldiers are supposed to do on a daily basis?"

She looked at me then as though I told her there was life outside the Walls. I felt stupid and avoided her gaze, looking into my own plate and stirring clunky orange mass.

"You are a very interesting case, you know that?" Hange said, drinking more of her tea. "This reminds me, are you good at calculus?"

I took a bite of my dinner, forcing the substance down – it tasted weirdly sweet. Like if a potato had sex with sugar candy and then shoved its baby into a curry spice. And now I was eating it. Yuk.

"Calculus? Is it something to do with numbers?"

"Never mind then. What are you good at?"

I bit on my lower lip. Her question cut deeper than she'd probably intended. It hurt nonetheless.

What am I good at?

Making people die around me? Failing them? Failing in about everything I'd ever tried? Yeah, I was especially great at the latter.

"Can you hold objects?" Hange finally asked, breaking the silence. I looked at her dumbfounded.

"Hold objects?"

"Yes. Hold objects in your hands. Like, let's say, a lamp?"

"I can hold a lamp, yes," I replied, blinking rapidly in confusion.

"Great! Then this is exactly what I need from you. Come with me after dinner."

"But I have a training session scheduled with Captain Levi," I tried to object. But Hange only shook her head, a wicked smile twisting her lips.

"I'll deal with our favourite fluff bear. You are coming with me."

"Here, hold this," Hange shoved a long stick into my hands with a lamp attached to its very top. It giggled, making annoying clanking noises when it hit the hardwood of the holder. I rushed forward, catching the stick and holding it upright, afraid of crashing the lamp on the trampled ground.

"What's this?" I asked, levelling a confused look at Hange. She didn't pay much attention to my question, walking towards a huge tent at least five times my height. She waved her hand, rushing me to follow. Grinding my teeth, I obliged.

She did, in fact, get me out of the training with the captain. I can't say I was upset about it in the least. It was supposed to be horse riding, and I knew I was not going to live up to the captain's expectations. It was impossible to, really. He was strict and annoyingly observing. I had fewer troubles training with Kenny before the mission, funny as that sounded. But the captain, on the other hand, was a machine. All-knowing and all-seeing machine, for that matter. It was impossible to do good in his presence. Decent – was an achievement in itself. And I'd thought that my first hand-to-hand combat training with him was bad. Little did I know…

"What am I supposed to do with it?" I asked Hange, finally catching up to her.

"Hold it, of course. As far up as you can. Or, and light it, please. Sunny likes it bright. As most of them do, I guess…." She mumbled the last part, but I could still hear.

Who the hell is Sunny?

Hange reached the tent and flipped the side open. She gestured for me to follow and disappeared into complete darkness. I sent a desperate look at the impending dusk and then at the courtyard exit, guarded by two Survey Corps soldiers. There was no way I was escaping this one.

I took a deep breath and held it for a second. I had to do whatever it took me to get the intel Kenny needed. It was all that mattered. I could do it. And I would.

I flipped the trigger on the lamp, and a faint light sprung up inside the dust-stained glass. I watched it for a few moments, rising and choking on the air, chipping small embers to the sides. Embracing whatever awaited me on the other side, I stepped in.

Pitch black darkness was only somewhat lit with a lamp-stick I was holding. Bizarre shadows and blurry shapes stood out all around me, jiggling on the swinging lamp. I looked around, spotting Hange standing near the table on the left. A small candle was lit right before her, and she was hurriedly flipping through a notepad. Her finger moved down each page until it finally froze, and she exclaimed: "Aha".

I slowly waved the stick in the air, trying to see more of my surroundings. Something big was positioned in the middle of a tent. I took a step closer, staring at the rigged surface right in front of me. It was light-coloured and wrinkled. For a second there, it reminded me of leather. But the round shape of it didn't make much sense.

What in the world is it?

My gaze roamed the unknown object in front, slowly moving up as far as the light would go.

"Raise it higher if you want some activity," Hange's voice sounded closer than expected. I jerked away, spooked at her proximity. She smirked at me and looked at the leathery object in front of us. "Come on, raise it higher."

I followed her gaze, awkwardly shifting my grip on the stick. Raising it, just as she commanded, I held my breath as the light slowly crawled up the big, awkwardly shaped thing in the middle of the tent. More and more dents in the leather showed up, and I recoiled, realisation looming somewhere in the background of my mind. But I couldn't accept it. There was no way it was a…

Titan.

It was huge. Its head touched the ceiling of the tent, bending it a little. The pure look of outer madness twisted its features. A crazy smile hung on its thin, blood-coloured lips, and a hint of teeth showed behind. Its skin stretched too thin on the sharp cheekbones, making its smile look mocking. The light reflected off its open yet still eyeballs. Its irises looked somewhat surprised as they focused on the lamp in front of it. Its body shape was oddly crooked – it was sitting, yet one of its legs was bent at an awkward angle, making his frame stand up from the ground near its left thigh. Its ankle was twisted and stuck to the side, as though it was barely connected to the body anymore. Leaned to the side and twisted as it was, it reminded me of a broken doll. Its hands were chained and nailed to the ground. Heavy chains as thick as my waist encircled its body up to the chin, restraining it.

My hands trembled, and the lamp swung on its hinges, hitting the stick with a loud thud. I took a step back, staring at the atrocity in front of me. The death itself. The reason why humanity was forced behind the Walls. Why many more children like me ended up locked in the Underground with no hope of seeing daylight. With no hope of surviving.

I hated it instantly.

The initial fear that kept me frozen in place unexpectedly subsided, and rage blazed in the centre of my chest. I had my biggest enemy right in front of me. It was never just my father, never society itself, never bad and vicious people. This thing was what brought us all to this. The sole reason why I and many more like me ended up starving in the Underground. Hurt and abused, praying for death to claim us. Giving up on sun or food, giving up on life.

This thing was the reason for all my suffering. It was what forced everything into motion. What led those traffickers to attack my family to kill my father and force my mother and me into basic slavery. This fucking thing was a reason why I had to cut myself each time someone touched me.

And I hated it more than anything. More than I'd thought I was capable of.

My blood boiled, and my hands gripped the thick wood of the torch with more power than necessary. The world trembled. Or maybe it was me who was trembling, I wasn't certain. My ears blasted with the screams of my parents, the screams of Underground, I could hear every night when I closed my eyes. Screams rendered by my own misery. Sounds that forever ruined darkness for me. Sounds that ruined me.

I took a step forward. I couldn't see anything but the sole reason for my suffering. I didn't have time to think this over, but I didn't need to. I had my goal chained to the ground right in front of me. And I could fix it. I could end it all. Here and now.

I lunged.

Something tight encircled my throat, and I was jerked back. The stick I was holding in a death grip fell out of my arms. The lamp scattered to the ground, its faint light jerking and almost going off. My body was twisted, and I ended up face-first on the ground. Something heavy pressed me down, the sharp edge of it painfully cutting into my lower back. I hissed, wiggling in the dirt like an earthworm, trying to get free.

"Hush," Hange's voice broke through my panic-induced brain fog. I froze, my body instantly going limb. "Are you done?"

"Did I do something?" I managed to say, my voice low and raspy. Small pebbles pressed painfully into my cheeks, dried dirt flying into my mouth with each breath I took.

"Outside of attempting to kill my precious titan sample?"

"I didn't do anything!"

"You didn't have time to. I could see it in your posture. A few more seconds, and you would have jumped Sunny."

"This is Sunny?!" I practically screamed and bit my tongue a moment later. Hange snorted.

"I knew you were interesting! I was just proven correct," the weight on my back suddenly disappeared, and I was forced up.

Walls, Hange is strong! Where does she hide all that strength?

She shoved me out of the tent, the lamp-stick long forgotten. I staggered but caught my balance just as Hange grabbed my forearm and forcefully led me out of the yard and through the gates. Scouts guarding the entrance looked curiously at us but didn't object, quietly chuckling at my weak attempts to get free.

Her grip was starting to hurt, and I whimpered when she gripped me even tighter while we went through the entrance hall of the Survey Corps headquarters.

"Where are we…." I trailed off when Hange turned another corridor and opened the door to one of the rooms I'd never been at. She shoved me inside and closed the door with a thud.

A loud click of the lock made my skin crawl. Panic rose as my insides screamed to run. Memories, painful as they were, crept in. Their long slimy fingers encircled my throat, choking me and shoving the images I wished I could forget right on the brim of my memory.

I'm kneeling in front of my father's accomplice. He's yelling at me to bend down. Pain's ripping me inside out as they have their way with me. Sharp crooked ridges of the cheap wooden floors are right in front of me, catching my attention. A long crack that's slightly twisted at the very end curls to the right. The pattern of the wood lines is somewhat odd, it's rippling and swirling like a bothered surface of still water. It is not fascinating enough to distract from what is done to my body, but it's enough to hold my interest for some time. Enough to make me focus on anything but pain…

"This is so we don't get interrupted," Hange said, breaking me out of the menacing memories. She moved away from the door toward a small table at the furthest side of the cramped room and put a kettle on the small stove. Only after the fire licked away on the darkened edges of the pot did she turn to look at me.

"Now we talk."

The whistle of the kettle made me jump. I shifted in my seat, twisting to look at Hange taking it off the stove and making us some tea.

She put a steaming cup in front of me on the table, not even bothering to shift some of the papers covering the surface. I watched a small drop of condensation drip down the white porcelain edge and land on the hand-scribbled notes, blurring them away.

"Why did you join the survey Corps?" Hange asked, taking a seat in front of me. I didn't make eye contact, feeling as though I was in the interrogation room.

"I want to help humanity."

"Bullshit. What's the real reason?"

I looked away, staring the contents of my teapot down as though they could get me out of answering this stupid question. I couldn't tell her the truth, now, could I? Sighing, I decided to give her the half-truth I'd just learned less than an hour ago. "I want to make them pay. I want to kill titans."

"Now we are talking!" Hange exclaimed, clapping. A huge smile stretched her face, making her look even madder. "Why, though?"

I blinked at a loss for words.

"Why kill titans? Isn't this what Survey Corps does?"

She shook her head. "No. We study the world outside the Walls. We set supplies routes and try to learn as much we can about the titans and the world beyond," she looked around the trashed room then, which I'd learned to be her laboratory. "And I personally want to know everything I can about the titans. To help humanity, of course. But not just that. So-o-o many mysteries lie beyond those walls… I want to uncover them all."

I looked at her dreamy face then, feeling something hot and stinging, twisting and turning inside my stomach. Her noble goals made her look so good and made her shine so bright. When I was never driven by anything except hurt, anger and the suffocating debt that I could never properly repay. Intoxicating jealousy pierced my insides, and suddenly, I hated Hange. I hated her for all those heroic thoughts that would never cross my mind. I hated her for being so good, for caring about others when she had herself to take care of. I hated her for her curiosity and knowledge, her kindness and intelligence.

I hated her.

I was jealous of her positive outlook on life and of her goals. I owned Kenny everything, and I would repay him. But besides that, I had no goals and no future. My life could be described as anything but light and noble. I felt like Hange's opposite. Like a fraud. Like the enemy.

"Who did you lose?" I was taken aback by her question. It ripped me out of my thoughts, slicing deeper than I'd wanted to admit.

"This is personal."

"Yes. But we've all lost someone. It doesn't even matter who exactly - either loss can be worse than death. And either loss can lead us to self-inflicted doom."

"I'm not sure I'm following. I didn't hurt your pet titan. I wouldn't even be able to do it with a stick. I don't see a point of this discussion…."

"Exactly. You wouldn't be able to hurt Sunny. Even if you had a proper weapon, I would vouch. Yet you were ready to try anyway. Have you even noticed a red line on the ground marking a no-cross zone? I have a feeling the upcoming mission might end up a tragedy if you keep on this bloodthirsty attitude. You can't repay titans with the same coin. They don't feel the same way we do. You will just end up killing yourself if you attempt to jump another titan like Sunny."

"I didn't even jump him! You are basing your observations on a hunch."

"It has never failed me before. You need to shake it off and focus on supporting your team. If you don't, more people will end up dead. Not just you."

"I know this."

"Do you?" she shook her head. "Why did you freak out in the dining hall a few days back?"

"I didn't freak out. I just left."

"Quite an exit you made there and then."

"I don't need your advice, Hange." I stood up and rushed to the door. "Can you unlock it, please? I have places I need to be."

She stood and followed me to the door.

"Listen, I've seen a lot of people die in my life. More than most. Thinking about it makes me hope that I'm doing my job correctly. But, if you run into your first titan blinded by rage and hurt, buried deep within, you are just going to end up as one of those casualties' squad captains report after each expedition. It will either be you or your teammates that ultimately have nothing to do with your personal issues. So, deal with those before going beyond the Walls."

I didn't reply, holding my scowl and emotional outburst somewhere deep within.

"It doesn't matter who hurt you in the past. You are one of us now. And Survey Corps stands up for each other. You are family now. Trust us and give us a reason to trust you."

She unlocked the door, and I stormed out. An angry twist to my stomach made me race down the hall and then out of the building. I sprinted away from the Survey Corps headquarters and into the adjacent forest, running as though death itself was following me in my footsteps.

I ran until I could not breathe anymore.

I ran until I had to admit that Hange was right.

I ran until I had made my decision to live some more.

Levi

"Don't even start," Hange said, peaking at me for only a second and going back to her lunch. I shoved my tray on the table across from her and sat down. "I'm not going to apologize for stealing your subordinate, you know," she said matter-of-factly and bit on her spoon full of sweet potato mash. I scowled but didn't reply, taking a long sip of my green tea.

The dining room seemed rather full today – most of the soldiers who'd taken vacations to see their families returned to prepare for tomorrow's mission. The chatter flowed around the room, disturbed by occasional loud outbursts of laughter. It had always been like this right before the trip outside the Walls. People were always separated into few categories. The first tried to ignore the upcoming stress – they usually laughed the loudest. Second, just wanted to be reassured that everything was going to be okay – they usually clung to the first group, feeding off the fake enthusiasm and building their courage on it. And the third, the quieter of all, they usually sat alone and stared into their plates absentmindedly. I could only imagine what they were thinking about – what gruesome deaths came to their minds when they thought about the mission. Whom had they thought about, and whom had they seen in their final moments. What had they regretted, and what had they missed.

I shook my head, shaking all too common discomfort away. Hange continued to eat her dinner, ignoring my presence the best she could.

"What did you get out of her?" I asked, putting my teacup down on the platter and picking up my cutlery.

Hange just shook her head, and for a moment there, I wondered if she was going to talk at all. But finally, she put her fork down and looked me straight in the eye. "She is trouble."

I rolled my eyes, shoving food around on my plate. "Tell me something I didn't know." Hange ignored my grumbling.

"I mean it Levi. We all have issues, but hers… I can't promise she doesn't jump in front of a titan just for the sake of it."

"Are you saying she's suicidal?"

"Well, yes, but no. Not exactly. I can't quite place it."

I squirmed at Hange, getting annoyed at her puzzles. "What the fuck does that mean?"

She sighed and shoved her dish away. She took a long drink from her glass of water before focusing on me once more. "You asked me if I believed she was a spy. Well, I can't answer that question just yet."

I scowled at the disappointing reply. Not that I was sure Hange would break her, quite the opposite actually, but that would relieve me of so many problems… "Care to elaborate?"

"She is rather… on edge. Too much to be a spy."

"What made you believe that?"

"Doesn't matter, Levi. Trust me when I say this – if she is a spy, I have bad news for her master."

I grunted, taking this information in. Hange believed I and Erwin to be mistaken. Well, I learned the hard way to trust my guts – as they were rarely wrong. And right now, they were screaming at me, shouting at their whole capacity, trying to catch my attention.

She was trouble indeed.