Verity

The cheering was unbearable.

I could deal with the worry twisting my stomach into a tight knot. I could deal with the heavily clouded grey skies, reminding me of where I had come from and what I was running away from. I could deal with the nervous chatter of Survey Corps soldiers around me and the inpatient stumping of horses' hooves. Even the annoying nerve-wracking wait wasn't all too bad.

But the cheering and excited faces of children in the crowd… It was too much. Hope and pride in their expressions cut me deeper than the thought of upcoming hell that no doubts awaited us on the other side of the Wall Rose.

They trusted us to save them…

No.

They trusted Survey Corps to save them. I was not about to save anyone else when I could barely survive myself. I was not even a real soldier. This was not my war.

Captain Levi led our small squad. Eld and Oluo flanked him on the sides, staying only a couple feet behind. I was positioned in the group's centre with Petra and Gunther to my left and right. I was new and apparently lacked training. As much as I disliked Captain Levi, he'd probably made the right call shoving me deeper into the formation. And it served me just right – I needed to survive this outing. And the statistics were playing against me on that front.

"Nervous?" Asked Oluo, twisting in his saddle to look at me. Great. Chatting with him was just about the last thing I needed right now. My gaze jumped from him to the Captain, who had slightly adjusted his posture, leaning his head to the side as though he was also listening in. I bit my lip and refocused on Oluo, deciding to go for a nod instead of risking my voice quivering. "Don't be. You are in the best team possible. We've got your ass!" He winked, and I shifted my gaze away, hoping for this to be the end of it.

"He is right, you know," Petra said quietly to my left. She smiled tenderly, obviously trying to make me feel better.

It didn't work. In fact, it made it worse.

Her apparent sweetness and kindness annoyed the shit out of me. She was lovely and pretty, and everyone adored her. She laughed a lot and seemed to glue the whole team together. She managed to find an approach to every member, even the grumpy Captain.

You know what? I take back my complaints about Oluo. I would take his bravado over Petra's annoying happiness any day, especially now. So, I simply nodded again, looking down at my horse's nape, hoping to finally be left alone.

"You two are the ones to talk. I seem to recall both of you pissing your pants and crying like babies on your first time out," chimed in Eld, turning in his saddle, a huge grin twisting his face.

"What?" I choked out in surprise, unable to stop myself.

"Walls, Eld! You promised to drop it," Petra moaned, hiding her face in her hands.

"Idiot! Wanna talk bravery? Fine. Who's got more kills here?" Yelled Oluo, raising his hands clenched into fists.

"Ignore them," said Harold, a few steps behind me. I had to turn my head to take a glance at his subtle smile. "It's going to be okay. Just follow our lead and trust your instincts," he nodded when he caught my eye, and my cheeks warmed.

"Shut up, all of you," Captain interrupted. His voice was quiet in comparison, yet all the yelping stopped immediately. He turned in his saddle to face us, looking bored, as though we were not about to risk our lives outside the Walls. His heavy-lidded gaze locked on me at once. Uneasiness crept in instantly. The tips of my fingers started to sting, and I shifted, checking that my gloves were in place. "Try not to die, is all they are saying."

I had to swallow a huge lump in my throat only to realize that my voice had left me entirely. No matter my thoughts and beliefs, I still couldn't speak my mind. Never had.

I nodded once more, feeling dumber than ever. Captain's expression didn't change when he gave me a slow once over and turned away, facing the gate. I had only a few moments to catch my breath when a loud bell followed by a rhythmic clinking noise, and the gate slowly started to rise. Glancing around, I noticed soldiers tensing. The overall mood shifted, leaving nervous and stupid laughter behind. All the attention finally focused on one single thing –a painfully-slow rising gate. My eyes followed the sharp angular ends of the metal bars, following them up until the clinking had finally stopped with a bang of the chains locking in place. I cringed at the sound as though it was made by my own prison cell doors.

The formation slowly started to move, and Captain's horse finally lunged forward, throwing itself in a gallop. I spurred my stallion, following the speed of the team. Heavy horse sprint was always hard for me to handle, and I had to cling to the saddle's horn, reins clenched hard in my palms, silently praying not to fall off.

The formation scurried through the gates. The dust risen by dozens of hooves stood in the air, making my eyes water and my throat sting. I coughed, covering my nose and mouth with a sleeve. It helped somewhat, yet not enough to make me breathe normally. We hurried forward, following the commands and holding the formation in place.

At least, I hoped we were – it was impossible to see in the clouds of sun-dried road dirt. I focused on the horse right in front of me, which happened to be Captain's. Heavy dusty air intercepted my vision, but after a few miles up the hill and away from the Wall Rose, I could finally see it all.

It wasn't much, really – it wasn't even outside the Walls. But it was more than I'd ever dreamt of.

Fields stretched as far as I could see, and the woods, broken down by hills, curvy mountains, and creeks, followed, seemingly to the very horizon. The air felt cleaner, and it smelled of nothing and yet everything. The faint odour of wildflowers reminded me of early summer slowly kicking in. I could smell rain in the air and feel a slight wetness on my face from the vaporizing torrent. I could see far and beyond. Even the Walls were so much farther than I was used to. It made me feel weird and uncentered. As though there was no ground underneath my feet anymore.

No matter how heavily I breathed and how much I tried to calm myself – I was still on the brink of panic. The space… Sheer space around me…

It was suffocating in its openness.

It pressed on my chest, encircling my throat in a choke, sucking out the last of air left in my clenching lungs as I struggled to follow my team, keeping the formation in place. No one said anything as we galloped through the fields and abandoned villages. Broken-down houses and ruined lives slowly rendered themselves into the countryside view.

Red flare suddenly sparked to the right, and Gunther shouted, catching Captain's attention. Levi raised his left hand, and we followed, changing direction. I jerked on the reins, and the horse squealed, obeying my command and turning. Heavy-loaded wagons closely followed us in the centre of the formation, creaking and rattling with the weight of supplies they were carrying, required to establish a new safe point in the route from Trost to Shiganshina.

We rode for a while, changing our direction according to the signal flares until the black colour thrust through the skies. Oluo swore, and our horses seemed to speed up on their own. The heavy fog was settling down with every passing second, hiding the ground with each step the horses took.

"How close?" Captain shouted. I saw Oluo straighten in his stirrups and turn towards the signal, staring into the settling fog.

"I can't see it yet. We must have a few… Shit! Two titans are coming in from our right!" He yelled.

Captain swore and jerked on horse's reins, turning it sharply to the right. "Get ready!" He yelled, clenching his ODM gear.

It took me a few moments to process what was happening. First, I heard loud thumps, which made the ground rattle. Then all my teammates flew out of their saddles and towards the sound, leaving me alone with the horses. I looked around as the panic settled in, freezing my blood still. The rumbling was getting closer, and my fists clenched around the swords. My hands trembled as I looked behind, seeing an abnormal speed right toward me. I pressed on launch.

My body was jerked away from the saddle as one of my hooks connected with the titan's forearm. I flew toward it in an arc, my butt practically kissing the ground. Straining my muscles, I regrouped in the air, trying to aim at its weak point. However, fighting dummies was one thing, and fighting a thinking (questionable as it was) being was completely different. My trajectory connected with its outstretched hand, and its ugly fingers instantly closed around me, forcing the air out of my lungs. A small wail left me as I strangled in its hold. I didn't have enough time for the fear to settle as someone flew by in a flash, cutting the fingers off a titan's hand. With no hold anymore, I fell, twisting in the air on pure instinct and airing my cords into the first thing I could find, which happened to be titan's face.

It drew closer, and I had little time to send prayers to whoever was listening as its happy smiling face creeped the shit out of me in the seconds it took me to advance. My leg connected with its forehead, and I instantly released my cords, jumping away and, by pure luck, avoiding the down thrust of its hand. The air swirled around, and I fell. Twisting, I tried to aim at the titan's body when someone flashed past. I watched them turn in the air in in the blink of an eye and fall upon the titan's neck.

One cut was all it took.

Something hit me in the side, and I was sent sideways. A warm body connected with mine, and I felt hands encircling me. The swing suddenly ended, and the hard tree bark hit me. My bones rattled, making my hands and knees shake. The bile rose to my throat a little too late.

"You are okay," claimed a familiar voice, and after a moment, I turned. Harold smiled at me, his breathing heavy as he turned away and toward the scenery below. "Captain got the last one," he said, raising a hand to wipe the sweat off his forehead. "We are good for now. Can you stand?"

I blinked. His words landed, yet I could hardly comprehend their meaning. My head swirled with the adrenaline poisoning my blood. I stared blankly at Harold, barely feeling my limbs shake with the settling shock. He took a step closer and kneeled in front of me. "It's okay. You are okay. Just breath. We need to get to our horses; can you do that?" His voice was quiet and steady, and I could feel its calm slowly sink in. I nodded, ignoring the faint trembling of my lips. He offered his hand, patiently waiting for me to accept, before pulling me to my feet.

Harold pointed down to where our horses were held by our teammates. My hands shook as I struggled to release my cords.

"I know what you are feeling. We all do, actually. We've all, at one point, left the Walls for the first time. I could lie and tell you that it gets easier, but it doesn't, really. More like we get used to the fear. But if you survive this expedition, you will officially become a scout – one of us. It definitely gets easier once you get to feel the union with the others."

I stared at my shaking hands. I'd sent myself into a titan without thinking. Yet, once the cords connected, I freaked the shit out. What would I have done if I'd reached the titan at that state? Piss on it? If only that killed them, humanity would be in for a treat.

I was useless yet again, letting the fear take the best of me, succumbing to the sole idea of surviving, my promise to Kenny long forgotten at that moment. It was sickening. I was discussing. I was worthless.

"Come on," Harold cheered me on and jumped down from the branch. I watched him go, barely feeling life in my legs, as I left off, following him.

No one in the team looked at me when I landed, silently getting on their horses and riding off. I followed, feeling as much of a ballast as the supplies carried on by the wagons.

The scenery didn't seem nice anymore. Everything around resembled a titan. Light played tricks on me going through the thick ground-cloaking fog, crating malevolent shades that took my breath away every time. I could not focus on anything but the scary forms in the world beyond. It was no longer pretty or captivating. It was no longer open as the fear crept in, slowly forcing the air out of my lungs. When the black fog coloured the sky, I wasn't even surprised.

"We are reaching an abandoned town. The smoke is coming right from its centre," I heard Eld say. He turned to the Captain, awaiting further commands.

"Prepare for battle. We need this supply point."

Eld nodded and sent a quick glance to us, following in the second row of our small formation. I met his gaze for all but a second, but the worry on his face made my skin crawl. "Get ready!" He yelled, turning away.

I clenched my hands around the swords as the horses moved toward the town. The fog was slowly dissipating, and I could see two more teams sprint in the direction of the black smoke.

Ruined buildings around us became more frequent. Pieces of them covered the long-abandoned road leading to the town centre. Horses' hooves pounded on the pavement, the sound echoing in the closed-up streets filled with ruined houses.

I saw them before I heard them. Ground shaking rumbling travelled the town, followed by screeching of ODM gear. A deformed bold head soon peeked above the skyline and turned toward us, sensing our approach. A look of surprise twisted its features when its eyes locked on us. "Up!" Captain commanded, and we jumped out of our saddles, sending the hooks of our ODMs into the closest buildings. "Separate into pairs," he yelled, his voice resounding over the street, allowing no disobedience. Petra and Oluo jumped off to the side instantly, moving like one. Gunther and Eld followed them, changing directions when they spotted another titan coming close. Harold waved, catching my attention when I watched Captain run off by himself into the direction where I could see more than three titans. I gulped and followed my teammate, trying to focus on what I'd learned rather than the scary situation I was in.

Fifteen meters. It had to be at least fifteen meters. Its ugly-ass face turned to us when Harold and I got close enough to catch its attention. Its blue eyes were disconcerting, seemingly understanding yet blank. I glanced at its twisted smile and disproportionally large eyes as I switched my directions, following the protocol and flying right before its eyes to catch its attention.

"Come on, asshole, look at me. Don't you find me tasty?!" I screamed to bump my spirits as I swung on my cords at the uncomfortably close distance. Titan's hand rose, practically hitting me, but at the very last second, I managed to change directions, avoiding the blow. The titan stumbled, losing its balance from a swing, and Harold flew behind it in a flash, cutting the back of its neck. Steam erupted, and the carcass slowly started to fall. I landed on the closest roof and took the scenery in, feeling pride spike deep within.

Harold landed on the opposite roof, his huge, captivating smile overtaking his rather handsome features. I felt heat rise to my cheeks once more as he motioned to the centre of the town, where more titans could be spotted. I followed him, jumping from roof to roof and for once enjoying the rush of air, sifting through my hair and whistling in my ears. The drop to the unknown got less scary every time I used the gear, fear slowly giving in to excitement and adrenaline heating my blood. I followed Harold's lead, taking the attention of titans one by one as he cut their necks like it was no more than cutting a piece of cake.

After three more steam-erupting carcasses, he landed near me, breathing heavily. "Great job. If we keep going like this, titans have no chance."

I felt my lips stretch into a genuine smile. We had this. We were kicking ass. It wasn't that hard after all. "Lookout, another one is coming!" Harold suddenly yelled, and I turned on my heels, looking in the direction he was pointing at. A solid twelve-meter was coming right at us, ignoring the chaos happening all over the small town. Its eyes were so huge they were boggling out, making his face look wondering, excited even. It made me sick to my stomach. Harold caught my attention and pointed to the half-crashed building near the titan. It didn't look like something that could stand on its own, more so if something like a gust of wind hit it, but I nodded nonetheless, trusting Harold's call. He jumped off then, a churn of his ODM gear sending him fast away.

He landed softly on the half-ruined outer wall of the house, right before the titan. I jumped off the roof, flying right toward it, watching its hands closely to have enough time to react and move away. But it didn't care about me. It was more interested in Harold, standing on a barely hanging roof. It turned toward him completely, swinging its hand to catch him. Harold jumped, avoiding the blow, and landed on its hand. He ran up its forearm and toward its neck. I flew past its body, only half-paying attention to where I was heading. Connecting with the wall was not pleasant, and it caught my breath, but I held into the wall, watching Harold run toward titan's neck.

He almost made it. Almost.

Titan turned sharply, waving its hands like noodles, sending Harold flying off into thin air. I watched him twist and turn as he fell, hitting the roof of the connecting building with a soul-crushing thud. I froze on the wall, watching his still form.

This was not happening. It was impossible.

Titan moved forward, reaching Harold. It got me out of my stupor, and I launched forward, my cords connected with the titan's forearm. Straining my muscles, I managed to twist and prepared to change directions at the last moment to attack it from the back, when something hit me from behind and sent me flying off to the closest building. I crashed into the shingles, sharp broken edges of which cut deep into the skin of my face and arms. I moaned, slowly raising my head as the world swirled around, full of agony.

A huge fist was moving toward me at a formidable speed. I rolled off the roof, ignoring the pain. I didn't reach the ground though. Seeing two more smaller bastards, I thrusted forward, sending myself to the adjacent building. Landing on the roof, I looked back. The taller titan, the one Harold and I were fighting with, had a hold on him. He was awake but barely fighting.

My blood ran cold as I watched the titan put Harold inside its mouth. My hands clenched, yet I didn't move. Could I save him? Perhaps. Did I want to? Yes. Was I going to?

Was I?

My hands trembled with the effort. My body fought to press on the release and fly off to save my comrade, but I resisted. I couldn't risk it, could I? I barely escaped myself. I wasn't skilled enough. It was a suicide mission. I couldn't do anything to help. Not anymore. I was weak, always had been. It was not my war.

"Just you watch…." I heard Harold mumble. "One day…. You are all… The human race will be the survivors… in the end… One of these days… humans are gonna destroy you…."

I just watched, my hands going limp at my sides, as the beast bit down, sending blood splatter everywhere. I had to close my eyes as the drops fell, covering my face and clothes. Harold's scream pierced the air, and I opened my eyes, watching Captain fly by in a flash, when a cloud of steam erupted, blinding me. The titan's corpse started to fall, and another flash followed, making the other titan fall as well.

When the steam finally settled somewhat, I blinked, focusing on the scenery on the street below. I saw Petra carefully lowering Harold to the pavement and Captain land just close behind. They spoke, and both lifted their faces to me, standing above them on a rooftop. Clenching my teeth, I descended, landing softly on my feet.

No one spoke. Captain and Petra only looked at me for a few moments before getting interrupted by Harold's coughing. "The bleeding… won't stop," Petra said, and Harold lifted his blood-covered hand towards the Captain.

"W-was I… of use… to the human… race..? Or am I… gonna die… useless..?" He barely choked out, and Captain kneeled in front of him.

"The resolve you leave behind will give me strength. You've done more than enough… And you'll do more," he raised his hand and captured Harold's in a firm grip. "I will eradicate the titans! I swear to you…."

Harold's hand fell limp in Captain's hold, and his eyes closed as his body relaxed. Petra rubbed at her eyes and sniffled.

"Did he hear me to the end?" Captain asked her.

"Yes… I'm sure he heard you. He's… gone…"

"He looks like he's sleeping peacefully. Good then…" He said, standing up and turning toward me. His hateful gaze pierced me like lightning bolb. I jerked away, stepping a few steps back.

"Why haven't you helped?" He asked, his face devoid of any emotion, yet black circles hung heavy under his eyes, making him look older than usual. "Why haven't you done anything?" He repeated, his voice growing deeper with emotion and power.

"I couldn't do anything. I wouldn't be able to save him…."

"So, you didn't even try, is that so?" his voice hurt me with the resounding hate echoing deep within. I didn't reply, avoiding his piercing gaze. "You've just let your comrade die. And you stood by, watching. Do not tell me it was fear. I would never believe that bullshit. You just didn't want to risk your life, am I right?" He stepped closer, and a fading smell of the army soup lingered in the air, mixed with the sweet and musky scent of his skin.

I was devoid of any words, partially because of his nearness and partially because I couldn't explain my selfish act to someone who had truly dedicated their lives to humanity. I kept silent, looking above Captain's shoulder and at Harold. The one who had no longer than a few hours ago saved my life. The one with the most captivating smile. The most supporting person on the team. The one whom I'd let die because it posed a risk to my own being…

"I couldn't do anything," I choked out. My whisper was barely audible, yet I caught Captain clenching his jaw.

"Bullshit!" He practically yelled, and I stepped back, hitting the wall behind me. Captain followed, caging me in. He leaned in, his warm breathing coating my skin with goosebumps as he whispered. "I know who the fuck you are. You are the enemy. You are what holds humanity back. You are a parasite, killing those who are fighting for their lives and the lives of all people inside the Walls. If I could have rid of you, I would. But I can't. So, you better watch your back because one more mistake on your part and I won't care about Erwin's commands – you will be dead in a moment it takes me to sheath my swords."

The air I breathed stuck somewhere deep in my throat. My stomach turned at his words, and for some reason, I saw Kenny's face as he'd given me the order to join Survey Corps. The trust he'd put in me on this task was more than I could realistically carry on my shoulders. Yet, he needed me to succeed. And I owned him my life. I had to do it. No matter the cost. No matter the fear.

I looked up at the Captain, pain and regret twisting my stomach as my blood ran cold with fear. I clenched my hands into fists, returning Captain's look, full of disgust and hatred.

"You know nothing about me, captain."