Verity

There are multiple kinds of fear, I'd learned.

Fear of heights, for example, is basic, survival driven. There is also a fear of failure, disappointment, or mental hurt – those are more complicated, as they depend on personality. Fear of pain, fear of loneliness, and fear of loss – are universal, no matter how much people prefer to deny them.

Yet, my fear of Captain was none of the above. It was not primary, as I knew he wouldn't kill me. Not yet, at least. It was not typical because I saw people adoring him more than fearing him.

Was it me, then? Was it because of my history or because of his voiced threats?

As he stared at me, I froze, silently hoping to blend in with the Wall. His cold grey-blue eyes reminded me of steel as they fixed on me. A muscle ticked in his jaw, and the circles under his eyes darkened, making him look deadly. I struggled for breath. A look of revulsion took over his face, and he stepped back as though he couldn't stand being close. Neither could I, for that matter. His presence was too much to bear. It was suffocating even without the threats.

Even though I knew I deserved them.

Taking a deep breath, he turned away, facing the street. "I know more than enough," he said in a low voice, watching something on the other end of the road. I followed his gaze, focusing on the galloping horse.

"Levi! We're retreating." Commander shouted, stopping his stallion right in front of us.

"We haven't even made it to the border! You mean my troops died in vain? I'm sure you have a good reason for this." Levi shouted back, walking closer to Erwin.

"The titans are after the town! They've started moving northward as a group!" He said, catching his breath. "It's just like five years ago. Something's happening in the town. They may have…" he paused, shifting his gaze from one soldier to another. "…broken through the Wall!"

What?!

I stared at the Commander. He must have gone mad. It was impossible! The titans could not have… Unless…

Colossal and Armored titans are back…

At that thought, fear travelled down my spine like a shock wave. I pushed myself off the Wall, staggering forward. My mouth went dry, and I couldn't speak, nor could I hear or process things. My mind swirled with the most horrific scenarios it could imagine.

I'd seen titans now. I knew what they were capable of. And I couldn't wish this upon most of the people behind the Walls.

Shit! Kenny is behind the Walls as well!

My blood ran cold, and I stared blankly as the Commander yelled out commands and Levi's squad gathered, getting ready to leave. I couldn't feel much when someone pushed the horse's reins into my palms and forced me into a saddle.

I could hardly recall our journey back to the Walls. Humanity was about to fall, and I was about to fail my mission. I was going to lose everything I'd never even realized I had. Fear was the only thing on my mind. It was so potent that my teeth rattled against each other, and my hands trembled as I grabbed reins with all my might, pushing the horse to run faster. I had to forcefully disregard all the scary pictures my imagination was conjuring. Instead, I had to focus on my mission, promise, and debt.

The Wall drew closer. I could see several titans trying to go through the hole where the gate used to be. It seemed impossible. We'd left the city less than a day ago. Yet, the gate was broken now, and the city was stuffed with titans hungry for human flesh. I shivered as we gained more speed. My horse was already wheezing from the long run, and I could imagine other horses were also at their limits. We flew through the fields like the wind, the scenery barely settling in, as the Wall Rose loomed over us like death herself. Only sometime after did I notice there was something wrong with the hole in the gates. I couldn't quite tell from the distance, but it looked as though…

"Someone's patched the hole," Eld yelled to my right, stealing my thought.

"Who could have done that? And how?" Petra asked breathlessly. We all turned to the Captain then as though he could have known. He ignored our gazes, continuing to urge the horse forward.

I bit my lip as the Wall started to near, and Captain's command finally sounded: "Get up the Wall and spread through the city. Keep the formation in place!"

We followed, jumping off the horses' backs and flying towards the Wall. The hooks connected with a rough stone-ish surface with a loud clang, and I pushed myself forward, running along the Wall, rushed by the pull of my gear. When I reached the top, I froze, staring at the town in disbelief. "But we were just here," I said quietly, watching the thick titan steam rise and swirl above the city in a menacing cloud. The blood of innocents covered the roofs and streets, painting them in a nightmarish pattern.

"That's what you get when they break through," Gunther said, landing next to me. "This is why forcing them back behind Wall Maria is so important."

"Are you done chatting?" Captain's rough voice shot through me like a lightning bolt. I straightened and faced him, cringing internally at the angry expression on his face. "We are sticking to the Wall. Kill as many as you can, but don't rush to the centre of the town until I command so." He jumped off then, heading down with his blades out, ready to kill. I marvelled at his movements for a moment, envious and bitter at his skill. But when everyone followed, I hesitated.

It wasn't my war, but if Wall Rose fell, it might as well become just that. I wasn't about to be a hero, but Kenny was behind Wall Sina. I was not going to save humanity, but I also needed to redeem myself in Captain's eyes, or my mission would fail.

I had to fight, I realized. And I had to give it my best if I wanted to see the day when I could call myself free.

The air whistled in my ears, and my stomach dipped as I took that infamous first step into the unknown. Falling through the air and toward the biggest fear of humanity, I let go of every thought and worry that generally clouded my mind. I focused on the only image that brought me a concerning level of comfort – Captain leaping into the town, overrun by titans. Bringing it to the front of my memory, I allowed myself to get jealous, and the anger slowly built up, forcing the fear away. I fell, clenching my teeth and squeezing the life out of my sword handles. Releasing the cord, I made it connect to the roof of the building in the first row of the houses and pulled, swinging across the street with the speed I desperately wanted to decrease. Releasing my cords and reattaching them to another building, I progressed through the streets, keeping in mind to not stray far from the Wall, as I came across a first titan.

A thought of my missing partner barely scraped my mind as I flew toward the beast. It was not smiling. No. Instead, an ugly twist of its mouth reminded me of shock as I neared and circled it, barely avoiding a blow of its hands. Aiming at the back of its neck, I twisted in the air and sent my hooks into its spine. The force of the pool took the breath out of me, but when I neared titan's body, I was ready. Bouncing on my legs, I reconnected to titan's neck and ran up its back and to my goal. A slice that would make Kenny proud took only a moment, and I got momentarily blinded by the steam coming off the cut. My skin burned, and I gasped, aiming my hooks at anything solid and away from the heat. When I could finally see, I noticed three 9-or-so-meters titans moving to the closed-off gates. I turned, looking in the direction they were so interested in. A tall, 12 meters no less, titan's corpse steamed, and two soldiers stood around, messing with its body as another 10-meter neared. Before I could even draw in air to yell and warn them, a flash flew by, and the titan collapsed in a big pile of foggy mass. Soldier landed on its back and turned to the other two, pulling something – someone – out of the titan's body.

Did they hope that their friend survived being consumed? I didn't know, what was inside a titan's stomach, but I doubted anyone could survive being chewed up and swallowed.

Turning away from the unfortunate scene, I focused on the three retreating titans. The first one caused no problems, occupied by the four people near the gates. The other two turned to me once the first corpse crashed into the nearest building, mashing it to debris and dust. I barely had any time to breathe as the closest one came swinging. I jumped, narrowly avoiding the blow, and connected to its arms, turning in an arc. The second titan moved forward, catching my attention, as I landed on the rough skin of the first. Running up its arm and ducking, I slid across its shoulders, avoiding the nearing, gaping mouth of the other titan. Swinging my blades, I recoiled, trying to avoid the unpleasant sting of the rushing hot air. I jumped, retreating to the closest building and watching the last titan flap uselessly at the crumbling body of its brethren.

Barely catching my breath, I forced myself to move and flew toward the last goal. Slicing through its neck felt like the first spoon of a delicious meal. Like the first swallow of ice-cold water in the heat. Like a first glance at the clear blue skies. I retreated, landing on the roof and succumbing to the rising exhaustion. My legs collapsed under me, and I fell to my knees, struggling to breathe and shaking with adrenaline as my muscles clamped with tension. Looking up at the gates, I realized Captain had disappeared, the same as the soldiers near the bolder. I glanced around, searching for them.

A pair of soldiers flew together in the distance. One of them brought a titan to its knees, cutting through its Achilles' tendons, while another swung above, slicing at the back of its neck. Steam erupted, and they both jumped off, high-fiving each other in the air, when another titan, a smaller one, walked through the fog and lunged forward. Its thick crooked fingers encircled one of them, and I heard a soul-piercing scream as it squeezed. The titan opened its mouth and threw the crumbling body in, chewing with force. The crunching of bones made me cringe even though I was far enough away to barely hear it. His friend finally came out of the stupor. He yelled and jumped, swinging his swords in front of him aimlessly. I could already see how this would end when a churning sound of the ODM gear hit my ears.

Too close to be comforting.

I was jerked forward, and a building, my cords connected to, neared at an alarming speed. I regrouped, meeting the hard concrete with my feet, as the pain shot through my ankles and knees and went up to my thighs. Cringing, I looked up at the misfortunate soldier. His cords entangled around the titan's arm, and he screamed as the titan threw his hands up, making the guy fly off into the air. I rushed forward, focusing on the unexpected resolve in me that unconsciously clicked the gear into motion. My cords hit the titan's nose, and I jerked left, flying around its head. It turned, following my trajectory, the guy attached to its arm, quickly forgotten. I released my cords and landed harshly on the roof, raising my hands and yelling at the top of my lungs to keep the attention on me:

"Come here, you bustard! Didn't your mama tell you it's bad eat someone against their will?"

The titan didn't seem to like that comment. It turned its body to me, running at the building I was standing at. I waited, counting seconds until it neared enough for me to leap off the roof and swing between its disproportionally thin, stick-like legs. Turning on the other side, I shot up, connecting with its spine and making my gear pull me up. The titan didn't have enough time to react as I cut its neck and jumped off.

My lungs were on fire, and my heart beat in my ears as I collapsed on the roof, regretting every decision I made in life. A few moments passed, and a thump sounded as someone else landed. I was still trying to catch my breath as a voice whispered, barely audible:

"Thank you."

I didn't know whether I should feel proud or disgusted as the words hit their mark, and the voice slowly changed in my head, sounding more and more like Harold with every passing second.

Most of the bastards crowded the farthest Wall of the town, reaching up and helplessly scratching on the concrete in an attempt to reach a few dozen soldiers standing atop and playing bait. Cannon shots were fired, and two of the more enormous monsters started to fall into the middle of the crowd. Their places were immediately taken, and the gaps filled yet again. The growling and whimpering sounds they produced made my skin crawl.

I looked away then and turned my head around, watching my surroundings. It's been a few hours since we entered Trost. A few hours of fighting, running, jumping and straining my body to operate ODM. With each passing second, my muscles filled up with what felt like cotton, refusing to react as sharply as when I'd first jumped from the Wall Rose. I could barely stand, battling my knees from shaking uncontrollably, let alone fight. Thank the Walls; there weren't that many of the titans left.

Loud unrhythmic thumping sounded to my right, and I jumped to my feet, readying myself for another encounter. A 15-meter was moving in my direction, followed by a 6-or-so-meter one, running between the bigger titan's feet like a clingy puppy. I robbed at my eyes, swiping the dripping sweat away, and leapt from the building.

The titan was giant; all the houses around him barely reached his chest, if even. I would have to climb its body like a wall to reach its neck. This one was as ugly as they came. The skin looked melted off its face; it hung in patches around the edges of the titan's jaw and rolled off like a piece of dried leather down its neck. Its eyes were thin slits, and a curvy clown-ish smirk tugged on its plump, blood-covered lips. Its hands were disproportionately small and narrow, and it wiggled them in the air around its body as it ran, as though it was trying to ward off a herd of mosquitoes. A fully rounded belly hung forward, and the arched posture of the titan's spine only emphasized its size. I cringed, thinking of the number of people this atrocity must have devoured.

Keeping low, I neared the thing, stirring myself closer to its knees yet trying to avoid the grab of the tiny titan. I flew by the hip of the big one and turned, shooting my cords into its lower back. I pressed on pull and readied to collide with its patchy moist-looking skin when my gear squealed and puffed, and I was thrown back toward the titan's leg like a pendulum. I froze, stupidly watching as the titan turned, and I hit its belly, which wiggled upon the impact, making me gag. I pushed off immediately and swung around its form on dead unresponsive cords. I was clicking all the buttons at this point, hoping to get some sort of a reaction out of my gear.

This is not happening! What the fuck is wrong with my gear?!

I cursed loudly, pulling at the cords, hoping the hooks would slip out of the titan's back, when the titan turned again, flapping its hands down and trying to reach me. I was forced to the side like a damned cat ball, hung somewhere high, so it wiggled and jumped around upon touch. The smaller titan wheezed in excitement and ran after me, jumping in place and trying to reach me. I curved my legs up when its fat little fingers grazed the base of my boots.

My mind raced, and the panic started to choke my throat with a sob when a familiar voice broke through the clouds of racing thoughts:

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" A deep voice growled in my right ear. I winced and closed my eyes, feeling anguish squeeze at my heart. "I am talking to you whore!"

I jerked.

No. I was out. I survived.

"Get on your fucking knees!" No. Shut up! "Open your mouth…"

"Fuck you!" I yelled, giving in to anger and stomping on the fear holding me in place. I was not a victim. I made it out, and I killed him. He was gone! And I survived. I was strong and I was going to continue living. Even through this…

I grabbed one of the cords with my hands and tried to pull myself up. My arms trembled from the effort, but my body didn't move up an inch. I moaned and tried again. And then again, and again. My eyes started to sting with tears, and my palms burned with the flayed skin, but I kept pushing. Finally, I made it an inch up, then another one. My muscles screamed in exhaustion, but I moved up, shedding silent tears until I could finally grab the cords with my thighs and ankles, releasing some pressure from my arms. But I didn't allow myself even a second of relief. If I learned something from the extensive training with Kenny, it was that if I stopped to take a break, starting over was going to be ten times harder. I needed to keep pushing and climbing up until I reached the titan. Then I could pierce its skin with my blades and move up its spine using them for support.

The smaller titan jumped again, whining like a hungry puppy, and rushed forward, hugging the ankle of the giant. The titan yelped and stepped back, freeing its leg and jerking it in the air to get rid from the grasp of a smaller one. I watched the small titan slowly start to crawl up the other's leg, hanging on for dear life. I doubted it could reach me, but I was not going to test that theory. Rushing myself, I started climbing even faster when the giant lost its balance.

The air rushed through my hair, and the braid got loose from the pins, slapping me on the face. I screamed as my stomach dropped with a sense of free fall. A loud crash sounded, and I shut my eyes, getting ready for the inevitable hit when something grabbed me from, and the cold whistling air kissed my chicks. In a few moments, I was thrown down, and I rolled a couple of feet, choking and moaning from the rough hit. When I opened my eyes, I realized I wasn't on the ground, nor was I strapped to the titan. My cords were roughly cut, and their rugged ends lay uselessly around me on the solid concrete of the roof patio. I glanced toward the crashing noises, watching the wiggling giant titan stop moving and the cloud of steam erupt from the debris. I rubbed at my eyes and watched a fast lonely shadow dart through the street.

He landed on the opposite building and turned to look at me. He was covered in quickly disappearing steaming blood, and even though I couldn't read any emotion on his face, I felt a shiver running down my spine. He looked at me for several long moments, and the shame left an unexpected sour taste on my tongue as he jumped off, heading to the next group of titans.

The relief I felt when he disappeared from my view was nothing compared to the pain settling deep in my chest.

If only I could tell what it meant.

Levi

"Yes!" yelled Hange, jumping up and down like a little kid. I rolled my eyes at her stupidly happy expression. She was practically drooling, for fuck's sake.

"Don't get too excited, or you will piss your pants." She looked at me then, not offended in the slightest. Stepping close, she wrapped her arm around my shoulders, and I cringed at the smell of sweat and dirt.

"Oh, my friend. This is indeed a beautiful day for humanity!"

"People died, four eyes. Show some respect, and get your hands off me. You stink."

She laughed then, moving away and kneeling in front of a titan's hand nailed to the ground with at least five dozen iron spikes. It roared at her nearness and jerked, trying to move closer. The restraints creaked and squealed under the pressure but held. The other titan stared blankly at us like a big ugly-ass doll.

"We will learn so much. Knowledge is power. Only by gaining it can we get the upper hand against the titans. Lives lost today weren't in vain." She straightened and turned to me. Her face was contained and serious and showed no signs of the previous annoying excitement. She cleared her throat and looked at me as though she was about to give me a report on the battle strategy. I crossed my arms and waited for her to speak.

"What do you think…" she paused, glancing back at the two chained titans. "What do you think we should name them?"

"For fuck's sake. This is not healthy. You should get checked up," I growled and started to leave when Hange grabbed my arm, making me face her again.

"Don't go too hard on her," she said in a low voice, leaving no air for the mistake of who she was. "It was her first time out. We all fuck up on our first outing."

I felt my lips thin into an angry line. I didn't want to deal with this right now, not before I showered and changed into clean clothes. Not before I had a steaming cup of mint tea and let myself relax in my armchair for at least five minutes.

I felt older with each passing day.

"She let Harold die. She didn't fuck up. She killed him." My voice sounded strained even to my own ears, and Hange frowned, looking at me as though she was trying to solve some kind of puzzle. Annoyance swirled under my skin. "There is no point in looking at me like that, four eyes."

"But you are being unreasonably stern. I understand what it's like to lose someone from your team. But is it worse than losing two someones?" She shook her head and let go. "I know what you are thinking, Levi, but you didn't even consider the opposite. I'm not telling you what to do, but I believe it would benefit you to look at the situation from different angles."

"I don't need your advice," I huffed and stepped back, even more, annoyed at her for sounding reasonable. "Fuck. Why do you always need to act smart? It's annoying as shit."

Hange chuckled and faced titans again, putting her hands on her hips. "Sorry, not sorry. I was cursed from birth."

I rolled my eyes yet again and started away from the courtyard and up the stairs of the headquarters' entrance.

This needed to be solved. And it needed to be solved now.

That's it. I was done.

I rested my hands on the table, exasperation playing with my tamper. Filling out Harold's death report was too much, and the site of the bloodied chevron Petra cut off his doublet for me didn't allow me to concentrate. It was effectively staring back at me for the last half an hour, and I couldn't take it anymore. Sighing, I pushed off the desk and got up. I had a plan in mind, and it'd better work because I was done playing Erwin's games. This shit needed to be solved, one way or another. And I was close to not giving a shit about the resolution.

Crossing the room, I glanced at my jacket and walked past, deciding that it would only restrain my movements. I went out and into the hall. Near the end, I turned to the staircase and got to the ground floor, where the dining hall was. Finding Verity didn't take much effort. She was sitting in the farthest, darkest corner with her back to the room. It only made it easier to catch her off-guard. I stopped at her side, staring down at the barely touched ragout she was stirring with a spoon. She tensed, sensing my approach, but didn't turn to look at me.

"Get up. We need to talk." My voice sounded constrained, as though it hid something even I wasn't quite aware of. She got up and followed, looking down and avoiding my gaze the whole way.

I let us down the stairs and into the dungeons – for my plan to work, she needed to be as scared as she could ever be. I let her enter the long stone-clad corridor first, holding the heavy wooden door with a big metal lock I'd never seen being used. She tensed, and her movements became jerky and unfocused. She entered the hall and turned in place, watching the darkness continue out of view on both sides. I picked a torch from the Wall and gestured for her to walk; she obeyed, however, grudgingly. I watched her go tenser with each passing second. Her steps slowed, and she started to occasionally glance back as though waiting for an opportunity to run. "Keep walking," I commanded, and she strained her back, clenching her hands into fists at her sides.

I stopped at the last door of the hall, and Verity faced me. To my surprise, her face was devoid of fear but alert in its blankness. Her dark eyes glistened with something akin to acceptance. And I gestured for her to enter the room. She struggled with an old lock that needed to be jerked up before pulling on the door, and once she finally got in, I followed, locking us in.

She stood in the middle of the cell, hugging herself and glancing around the dusty corners. Her attention seemed to return to the old rotten table, shoved to the left wall; a small box on its tabletop was the only object not covered with dust. I put a torch into a holder and faced Verity, crossing my hands on my chest.

"Sit," I commanded, watching her panicked gaze flick to me. Eyeing me for a few moments, she finally glanced back at the chair. It was an old thing. Its seat was strapped with cracked brown leather, and the armrests had metal restraints built in, like thick bracelets that would close around one's wrists. She took a seat, keeping her hands on her lap, avoiding the chair's clasps.

I let out a long breath. I didn't want to do this. Especially not if Hange turned out to be correct. What if I was just terrorizing an ordinary girl who, for some stupid-ass reason, decided to switch from Military Police's safety to Survey Corps' death wish. Yeah, it sounded crazy even to my own ears.

"Now talk," I said, watching her eyes go wide with my question. She thinned her plump lips, but no sound escaped her mouth. I waited, counting the seconds in my head. When she still didn't talk after a minute, I stepped forward and leaned in, resting my hands on the disregarded armrests. "Do you want me to spell it for you? I said, start talking!"

She winced at my yell and looked down. "What do you want to hear… sir." Her voice sounded surprisingly steady, and I frowned, reading her features.

"Why did MPs send you? What exactly are you spying for?"

"I don't know what you are talking about. I left MP because…"

"Stop with the lies!" I interrupted, and she recoiled, flattening herself against the chair's back. "Tell me the truth and you might as well exit this chamber alive and… whole."

She glanced at me from under those long black eyelashes. "I joined scouts because I wanted to feel freedom. I wanted to go outside the Walls. I wanted to…"

"Bullshit!" I shot up, and she jerked at my movement. I stepped to the table and leaned on it. Then, rolling up my shirt sleeves, I said: "You can either make it easy on yourself or… Well, you have no idea what I had to do to survive."

She snorted then, and my brows shot up. She chuckled, and her body shook with the barely constrained laughter. She lost that battle, and her not-so-joyous laugh pierced the silence of the dungeon.

"As I said before, Captain, sir, you know nothing about me." She leaned back in her seat, jerking her chin up. A twisted, angry smile played on her lips. I sighed.

"You leave me no choice then," I turned to the box and clicked the lid open. Lifting the top, I turned the box slightly so that Verity could get a nice long look at the set of torture tools inside. The sparkling of the sharpened metal blinded me for a moment. Torchlight reflected off the different-sized knives, from small and ordinary to curved and scythe-like. I glanced at Verity, watching her face go white. "As I said before," I said copying her previous tone, "I know who you are. All I want to know is why you are doing this. Just tell me everything, and you will exit this chamber unharmed."

I watched a tear run down her smooth skin, as she couldn't take her gaze away from the collection of tools. I waited, feeling sicker than ever but also knowing all too well that I had to finish this. This blood-poisoning uncertainty was hard to deal with. How could I protect the rest of my team if there was a mole in our midst? How could I be sure I made the right choice saving her life before if she indeed killed Harold? There were too many what-ifs, and it was a sure way to end up curled up and bloody somewhere in the fields outside the Walls. Danger didn't appreciate uncertainty. I needed to know who I was dealing with, whether she was an enemy or a fucked-up friend in need of help.

"Talk," I pressed on.

She closed her eyes and a shaky breath left her. Silent tears now streamed down her face, glistening in the dim light. Something in my chest twisted, and I clenched my jaw.

I need to finish this.

Stepping forward, I grabbed her forearm and jerked her out of the chair. She yelped, and the wood hit the polished stone floor with a loud crash. I forced her back until she hit the Wall, and then I pressed my forearm to her throat, holding her in place.

"Tell me why you joined Survey Corps!" I yelled, losing all resemblance of patience. She sobbed now, and her breathing broke on the ragged gulps of air. I pushed harder, making her wince. She raised her hands and grabbed my arm, trying to push me away. My gaze fell on the gloves she was constantly wearing. Her sleeve shifted down, and a thin patch of skin was visible below her wrists.

Angry red welts and old patchy scars encircled her skin, and I froze staring at them, Hange's words ringing in my ears. I released Verity and grabbed her hand, shoving her shirt sleeve up. Scars marred her skin, running as far as the sleeve would go, hiding in the linen fabric. Curled and straight, think and thick, new and old – they were all over her arms. Some looked rough and edgy, like the skin was ripped off by teeth of twisters or whatnot, and some were white and thin as if left by the drugging needle. I met Verity's gaze then as she struggled to hide her arm.

"Hange was right after all," I murmured, staring into those dark tears-filled eyes. "You are suicidal."

She didn't reply, just held my gaze until I couldn't take it any longer. I released her and stepped back. Running a hand through my hair, I turned to the side wall, trying to process my own thoughts.

"Go see a healer about those," I said when I could finally speak again. "And be ready tomorrow after breakfast. We will continue with your training."