Verity
"And the self-inflicted bites on your hands aren't closing up?" Captain's rough tone cut the air, and I stiffened.
"No, sir…." Eren sounded defeated, his somber gaze glued to the table in front of him.
"If you can't turn into a titan, the mission to rebuild Wall Maria goes down the drain," Captain said, glaring at him, and Eren's face fell. "Do something about it. That's an order."
"Yes, sir…." Eren mumbled as Captain strolled past us to the side of the clearing, Petra following him close behind and chattering, a small smile on her face.
I looked at Eren, feeling horrible at the Captain's stark words. I knew Eren really tried to do his best, yet something just wasn't working out. Captain's command did nothing to help the situation and only put more pressure on the kid.
He is just a kid, isn't he?
Realization hit me like a punch to the throat. How old even was he? Thirteen? At his age, I would've given anything for someone to show any signs of support. Even just nice words would go a long way. It was so dark there, so lonely. I had no one but my broken self to rely on. The biting sting of loneliness never really dissolved. It only got subdued with the time and responsibilities – with my promise to Kenny. Distracting myself from the world's cruelty was a way to go on for me.
But it didn't have to be that for Eren.
"Don't take it so hard," Eld said, taking a sip from his flask.
"But…." Eren broke off suddenly, frowning.
"Well… It goes to show that you are more human than I thought…." Oluo blabbered, and I faced him, glowering. He raised his eyebrows at me in question, the bruise I'd left on his cheekbone shining different shades of yellow and brown.
"I prefer this to losing my life… It's not like it was for nothing," Eld dwelled on, screwing the cap back on the flask.
"Yeah… There are no such things as being too cautious," Gunther jumped in, watching Eren carefully.
"Hey, you've done it how many times now? Two, three? You can do it again," I said, turning to face Eren and cutting off everyone else at the table. He caught my eye and nodded, a grim glint in his eyes only deepening. I racked my brain, thinking of something else I could say to make him feel better.
"You know, when I was your age, I didn't even know how to throw a punch," I offered, my voice small and weak.
"But you must've been at the academy then," Eren replied, surprised.
"Yeah, well. I was a late bloomer, sorta speak," I offered him a small smile. "My… uncle taught me everything I know. It took a long while for him to get me to do anything properly. The first time I held a sword, I managed to cut my own palm with it," I chuckled at the memory, and the crease on Eren's forehead flattened.
"You are terrible at hand-to-hand combat, though. Did your uncle avoid that training then?" Oluo chimed in, and I turned to throw a glare at him.
"Do you want a symmetrical bruise on your left cheek? Because I believe the first one was proof enough that I could land a punch."
Gunther laughed, startling me. "She is right, you know."
Oluo raised his chin high and squinted at us. "The only reason why she managed to hit me was because I didn't expect it. And I do not hit women in return."
Gunther and I shared a long look and burst out laughing. Eren soon joined in, and I watched Oluo's face turn white as paper.
"Oh please, just don't start talking about the kill count again," Eld moaned, barely hiding his grin.
A clank sounded to my right, and I turned to watch as Eren dropped his spoon to the floor. He leaned down to pick it up, and I was still smiling when the strong wave of steam erupted from him. I jerked back, covering my face, as the heat bit into my skin. Eren yelled something, but I couldn't tell the words apart as I sprung away from the bench I was sitting on, struggling to see through the heavy steam settling down like a morning fog.
When my vision cleared enough, I looked at my teammates as they sprinted toward Eren, their weapons out at the ready. My body moved before I could form another thought. I jumped between Eren and my teammates, clasping my swords tight in my rapidly sweating palms. Eren yelled again, something along the lines of: "Why now." But my gaze didn't shift from the rest of my team, glowering at Eren, their eyes gleaming with danger.
"Calm down!" A command sounded to my left, and I dared a glance, watching Captain standing with his back to Eren and facing his team.
"Captain Levi!" Eren called, his voice full of distress.
"I'm telling you to calm down. All of you," Captain's voice rang with power, and my comrades shifted uneasily, yet the weapons stayed upright.
"Eren!" A familiar voice screamed, and I watched as Hange raced toward us, her face bright and excited. "Can I touch that arm?! Pleeease! Can I? It's okay, isn't it?!" She came to an abrupt stop right before Eren and threw her hand forward. "I can, right?! I'm just gonna touch it!"
"Squad leader, Hange, wait a second…." Eren started, and I turned to observe him properly. He stood on a steaming mass of titan's muscle, his hand stuck somewhere inside of it. From it, a long arm protruded, holding something small and glittering in the sun. The crooked fingers of the enormous, monstrous hand clenched tight around the object, and I stared at it in question as Hange sprung to him and reached out.
"Ah! Hot!" She screamed, jumping back and shaking her hand in the air. "He's goddamn hot without skin on! It's really… really hot! Say, Eren, aren't you hot?!" Her excited voice made my lips stretch into a wide smile. She danced around the titan's arm, studying it up close and blabbering nonsense. Eren looked horrified at the situation, but my smile grew as I watched the happy delight in Hange's eyes grow.
Turning to face my comrades again, I glanced at the Captain only to find him staring right at me. A deep frown on his forehead only strengthened, and his lips tightened at the corners. His scrutinizing gaze sent a flash of heat straight down my spine, and I froze in place, unable to look away. His eyes, so deeply grey now, glazed over as though a thick dark cloud covered the previously clear skies. The wind brushed his hair, and some strands fell over his face, darkening his look even more. I didn't know what to make of a deep ache that tugged at my heart when I took in his face.
But before I could think it over, he turned and walked away from the scene, leaving Hange to deal with the titan business. And me to boil in my own uneasy thoughts.
The tension in the room was palpable. I didn't have to study everyone's expressions to tell how shitty they felt about what happened in the clearing and how they reacted. For once, I was not the one in the bad.
Hange looked deep in thought, even though she had spent the past thirty or so minutes answering, or rather trying to answer, our questions about Eren's transformation. I turned at the sound of the opening door and watched Captain stroll in, Eren following closely behind.
"Finally. What, were you taking a long shit?" Captain asked Hange, looking as impassive as ever. I cringed at his question, and my cheeks heated.
"No, that went smoothly," Hange replied dismissively, and I stared at her, amazed at the resolve this woman had. "What took time was explaining to our superiors what happened. Anyway, Eren, let's start by having you look at this," Hange pulled a small object out of the packet of her tunic.
"A teaspoon?" Eren asked, shifting closer to her to look at the object.
"That's right. You were holding it like this," Hange demonstrated, "between the thumb and index finger. Maybe this has something to do with the reason you couldn't transform earlier: "to kill other titans," "to protect against cannon fire," "to lift a rock." In each of these situations, there was a clear objective before you changed. Maybe harming yourself alone isn't what triggers it. Maybe it won't work unless you have some sort of goal in mind…." Hange's voice trailed off, and her forehead creased in deep thought. "I wasn't going deep enough.… I want to rethink the way you turn back into a human, too. But with the group formation training, there's not going to be time before the next expedition."
"Then you won't do anything reckless that could jeopardize the mission?" Asked Captain, throwing a questioning look at Hange. She shook her head in response.
"No. Not this time."
"In other words..." Eld cleared his throat and looked at us meaningfully. "Eren didn't mean to act without permission."
Eld nodded to us, and we, one by one, lifted our hands, biting into the flesh between our thumbs and forefingers. Pain rushed through my palm and teeth at the force of the bite, and the touch of the metal taste at the tip of my tongue made my throat constrict, but I didn't remove my teeth until everyone else did.
"What are you doing?" Eren asked, dumbfounded.
"We made an error in judgment. This is our way of paying for it. I know it doesn't mean anything…." Gunther replied, looking down at his bleeding palm.
"It's our job to keep you in check. That still stands! So don't push your luck, kid," added Oluo in his usual high-up voice, which made me roll my eyes.
"I'm sorry, Eren. You must be disappointed in us for being afraid and acting like fools. But even so… One person can't do much alone. That's why we act as a group. We count on you, and I hope you will count on us. Trust in us." Petra said, her voice deep with emotion, and I felt compelled to smile at her for the first time ever. Even if she was annoying as hell sometimes, her overwhelming kindness could be pleasant if held within the borders of reason.
The unusual amount of chatter made me instantly uneasy. I eyed the small crowd near the stables as I unbuckled my horse. Eren ran to them, and his friends embraced him in a hug. A touch of sickening jealousy twisted my stomach as I watched Mikasa clench Eren in her arms. Her features looked so familiar, reminding me of my family. The sting of pain in my heart made me flinch, and I looked away. My gaze traveled the courtyard, stopping at the familiar entrance to the Scout's HQ, and my breathing hitched.
Captain's cloudy eyes were fixed on me once more. His face was darkened by the light shadows cast from the building. I held his gaze, and something in my chest tightened when he frowned and averted his eyes. The deep unsettling feeling his look left was all I could think of for the rest of the day.
"Are you sure it's a good idea?" Petra asked, watching Gunther and me with a frantic gaze. Gunther shook his head, and a slow smile touched his lips.
"Nope, but what's to stop us?"
The heavy yet somehow calming weight of my gear grounded me. I ran my hand up and down the heavy sword shafts and sucked in a long breath of the cold evening air. Then, readying myself for the race, I counted to five before looking at Gunther again. "Ready?"
He nodded, and Petra threw her hands in the air in exasperation. But stepping away, she allowed Eld to take her place as he raised his arm, preparing to command the start of a race.
"Go!" He yelled, and I flew forward, the wind whistling in my ears.
The feel of the emptiness around me of the once scary freefall made my heart speed up in the most pleasurable of ways. The sense of freedom overwhelmed me as I raced Gunther, cutting down the dummies and jumping from branch to branch to reach the end of the course. My blood ran hot, and I couldn't hold back a grin as I bypassed Gunther, swinging just below the ground on my cords stretched to their very limits. Crossing the finish line, I skittered to a stop, landing heavily on my feet. Pain shot through my knees and up to my thighs, but I ignored the sting, focusing on the enthralling feeling of victory.
"Fucking hell," Eld said, watching Gunther land right behind me. "She actually bit you."
"It was an accident!" He protested, and my smile grew as I watched him throw a look of annoyance my way.
"I believe this calls for a drink," Oluo exclaimed, and Eld clapped Gunther's shoulder as he huffed a breath of annoyance. We exited the training ground, and I accepted Petra's kind words as we strolled back to the Scout's HQ.
The dining hall was loud and the air staffed. But the overwhelming feeling of excitement shot through me like a sting of a burn. People chatted and laughed, the noise hanging heavy in the air with the danger of the upcoming morning mission. The smell of freshly cooked food and cheap liquor soured the air, but the warmth of the atmosphere softened the hit of smell. Eld, Gunther, Petra, and Oluo walked through the hall, heading toward the farthest table. I couldn't see why they'd picked it; just following their lead and actually enjoying myself in the desperate happiness swirling around me.
Eld stopped, and I paused, barely avoiding crashing into his back. He braced himself on the table and took a seat, leaving the only available sitting option near the… Captain. My body went rigid in an instant, the desperate happy feeling of the room evaporating in the second it took me to glance at his beautiful stark profile. He was talking to Hange, who sat across from him at the dinner table. And even her inviting smile upon seeing me didn't do its job of forcing me forward.
I had been avoiding Captain's presence for a while now. The sheer aura around him made me feel on edge every time I stepped as close as three steps away. The disconcerting feel of control slipping through my fingers made my stomach lurch. I didn't understand what it was about him that affected me so much. But I could feel him in the room with me. The sense was so annoying and weighted I couldn't ignore it. And it got worse and worse as it went. I had to force my emotions under lock and key, hiding them as deep as I dared. Yet it never seemed enough.
Especially after a few drinks.
Especially during the feast before the expedition.
My heart tremored, and I had to suck in a deep breath, holding it down, while I moved to take a seat near him. I could physically feel his attention shift toward me as I settled into the chair. Focusing on Hange's knowing smile, I struggled to breathe through my nose as I tried to figure out what to do with my hands.
"How's it going, you guys? Ready to put all that training to the test on tomorrow's mission?" Hange said in a cheerful voice that did nothing to disperse my unease.
"Always ready, section commander," Oluo said, drawing out words and leaning closer to her.
Hange gave him a polite smile before turning to me. "It's a big mission. Are you nervous?"
My brow creased in question, and I felt Captain's gaze land on me, driving the panic deeper. I shook my head at Hange, forcing my features into a neutral expression.
"Not really. Especially since I'd won the race against these guys."
Gunther turned to me, a look of annoyance twisting his features, and I couldn't help but smile.
"It's gonna be fine as long as these brats follow their orders," Oluo chimed in, and my smile only widened. I could tell by now that most of his bravado was forced by his insecurities. I looked at Petra then, who returned my knowing grin, and a warm feeling of belonging blossomed in the center of my chest as I held her gaze, feeling sheepish. I could feel Eld's slow and appraising look, and the sudden comforting feeling overwhelmed me. My heart started to race again, and I had to focus on my hands clasped in my lap.
"Nothing ever goes according to orders," Captain said, and my body stiffened as though it was a threat.
"Yes, but the men can dream, Levi," Hange countered, and I met her eyes, full of painful understanding that left me breathless.
"I will drink to that," Eld claimed, rising to his feet and holding his mug up. "For the dream that we follow and will one day reach."
His words made something painful churn in my stomach. Still, I raised my mug with everyone and took a swig of the sour drink, forcing it down, knowing and hoping for the liberation it could bring. Against my better judgment, I glanced at Captain, who sat playing with a teacup instead of the mug everyone in the hall cradled. The words slipped from my mouth before I could stop them: "You are drinking tea."
Captain's gaze focused on me, and a shockwave ran down my spine as I forced myself to hold his heavy stare. "Yes. Liquor has no effect on me."
My eyes went wide at his admission, and I opened my mouth as though planning to ask more questions when the voice of reason made me shut up. I nodded in fake understanding and stared at my drink, dwelling on the idea of not getting affected by any substances.
"I wouldn't lay heavy on the drinking if I were you," Captain added in a chipped voice that made me flush in an instant regret that I'd drunk a full two mugs of the cheap soldiers' beer.
"Yes. I'm sorry. I should've known better," I answered, turning the mug in my hands at the table and watching the wet stains of condensation it left on the wooden surface.
"That's not what I meant," Captain's voice sounded strange, and I dared a glance at him. His brow creased, and an unsettling expression took over his face, if only just for a moment. I felt instantly uneasy, as though the ground was thrown from under my feet, and I was falling deep into the abyss.
"I'm sorry," I offered, watching his face closely, trying to determine exactly what he wanted me to say. His face was disturbingly blank, less so than Kenny's. It was always hard to tell what he felt behind his scowl. It left me disconcerted and worried, and my next breath felt like chips of glass were chucked down my throat.
"What are you apologizing for?" His voice didn't sound soft exactly, yet the barely distinguishable tilt to the tone made my heart speed up, threatening to jump right out of my chest. I cringed inwardly, annoyed at the uncomfortable feeling sparkling whenever I was around him.
"I… I upset you?" I asked more than stated, and Captain's frown deepened.
"It is up to you how you handle yourself. As long as you can perform tomorrow, you are free to do whatever," he said in a rather confused tone that, for some reason, stung at the indifference of it. I took a long drink out of my mug, focusing on the bitter taste that offered oblivion on the other side of the scale.
"I will do my best. I always do."
"Is this why you froze during our sparring match?" My insides iced at his question. The world seemed to slow, and the loudness of the party overwhelmed me suddenly. My wrist turned warm from a fantom touch of his fingers, but the searing pain I expected to follow never did, leaving me stunned again. His hot trailing touch on my skin left marks deeper than scars in a sole painless feel of it. I was still reliving that moment in my dreams. No matter how desperately I wanted to forget, his touch trailed behind me like a ghost, reminding me of my sins. Of my betrayal. I shouldn't have had these confusing feelings toward anyone but Kenny. He was my savior. I owed him my life! Nothing else mattered in comparison. And yet…
"The wings," I said, trailing off, watching the yellowish drink catch the lamplight in my mug. "The wings of freedom made me join the Scouts Regiment." I sighed, catching Captain's questioning gaze. "You wanted me to confess. Here you go. I crave freedom more than anything in this wretched world. And this," I gestured to my laughing and bickering team, "is what makes me happy."
As my mouth formed the words, my heart stuttered at the dwelling realization. This is what I wanted. A sense of belonging. A family. My stomach twisted at the thought as I watched Petra slap at Oluo's shoulder and everyone snickered. Hange leaned her head back and laughed, making me smile instantly. Gunther leaned into Eld across the table and said something that made both of them chuckle. I watched them all, enjoying the closeness I'd never dreamed of achieving.
"Then you fit right in," Captain's words caught me off guard, and I faced him. His look, deep in thought and somewhat struggling, hit me like a punch. My speech left me as he kept staring at me in that scowling way that made me feel warmer than all the heated stares I'd ever received in my life.
"I want to fit in," I admitted, holding his gaze as the center of my chest warmed. Whether from alcohol or something else, I couldn't quite tell.
"Then do your best and not die tomorrow," Captain said, finally turning away and taking a long drink from his teacup, which made me question if he wished there was something else but the tea inside.