AN

I'm sorry for such a long break between chapters. But my head's been all over the place. I tried to write this chapter for 3 weeks. I kid you not. I sat down almost every day, yet the words just wouldn't come. I tried to force it. Then the next day, I would go back and erase everything I'd written prior. Just because it didn't ring true. For a while, I felt lost in the story. I knew where it had to go - I even had a chapter-by-chapter plan. But it just didn't seem right anymore. So I had to take some time to figure it out. I think I'm on the right track, finally. So, hopefully, the chapters will keep on coming more frequently.

Verity

I had a nightmare.

If only it had stayed that way – just a horrible dream one can wake up from and disregard as the fabrication of a sick mind. Yet life had never been that easy.

Waking up, screaming, I lunged off the bed. Terror rippled through my body, shaking me to the bones. Hot shivers ran up and down my spine, and sweat covered my skin. Pain shot through my chest, and I wailed. Hot angry tears burned at the corners of my eyes as I tried to force a breath down my throat.

"Hey, brat. You are all right," the voice sounded familiar, but my tortured brain couldn't distinguish it. Something touched my arm, and I jerked away, instantly regretting it. My vision went dark from the agony encircling my midsection. "Stop it! You are gonna hurt yourself."

Wheezing and fighting the pain, I forced my eyes open to glance at the speaker, only to have the air I breathed stuck somewhere in my throat. I coughed as Captain's grip on my arm strengthened, and his usually cold, steely eyes glistened with some emotion. My vision blurred as the realization dawned on me in one swift moment.

It really wasn't a dream.

"Are they… Did it…" My thoughts swirled, mixing, and twirling around like a tornado, making me dizzy. But I didn't have to finish my questions to know the answer. I knew it all along.

Tears ran down my face as I gripped the blanket hard, as though I could squeeze a different reality out of it. Captain's hand shifted, and a warm touch landed on my wrist. I closed my eyes, waiting for the pain to follow the bitter-sweet contact. But it never did, never with him.

"It's all right. Go back to sleep," he coaxed, his hand trailing up and down my arm. My skin broke into goosebumps, and the stinging pleasure mixed with the lingering pain encircling my chest.

"Where am I? Why are you here?" I asked, fighting the calmness his touch brought. He sighed heavily, and his hand left my skin, leaving a cold emptiness in its stead. I looked over, watching him take place in the armchair beside my bed.

"Infirmary. You blacked out on our way back to Trost," he provided, reaching for a disregarded cup of tea on the bedside table. My bedside table. I fell back on the bed, letting the growing dizziness take the better of me. I close my eyes against the swirling world, fighting growing nausea and the sour taste in my mouth.

"How long was I out?" I asked, swallowing the rising bile in my throat.

"About twelve hours," Captain's tone was again bored and somewhat disconcerted, with no trace of the previous emotion or care. I had to bite the inside of my cheek to stop myself from thinking about it. There was no point in trying to dissect Captain's actions. He was closed up and unpredictable, guarded in a way that I had only seen in one other person – Kenny.

Fuck.

Kenny!

I had to get back to him about the mission. But getting in contact with him while stuck in the hospital wing seemed nearly impossible. "When do I get released?"

When the reply didn't sound immediately, I opened my eyes and glanced at the Captain. He watched me closely, his face impassive, yet his eyes squinted. I gulped, feeling small and naked under that gaze. "Tired of hospital food already?"

"No, but I need to get back to the team. I have to…."

"As of right now, there is no team," he cut me off, and I flinched at his words. Catching my reaction, his features softened, and he continued in a more calculated manner: "You have two broken ribs and a concussion. It takes time to heal."

"What was the point of it all?" I asked, my voice quivering.

Captain sighed heavily and put down a cup he was holding. "We know now who the enemy is."

His reply made hot anger spike deep within me. That stupid question that the Commander had asked? What did it fucking matter when the good people, people I cared about, died in vain?! What was the point of fighting if it only brought pain? Perhaps I would be better off stuck in that dungeon in the Underground, getting raped and beaten and humiliated, but also dead inside. Unfeeling. Free from the pain, I hadn't allowed myself to feel out of the fear of breaking into thousand pieces under the weight of it all.

"Bullshit," I whispered, as the emotions flooded in like water through a crashed dam. My heart drummed in my ears, and the dizziness momentarily subsided as the adrenaline shot into my system. My vision suddenly cleared, and I clenched my fists, determined as I'd never been before. Ready for the fight and the consequences it could bring. I was done. "Fucking bullshit!" I screamed, and Captain raised an eyebrow, still quietly watching me.

"You will wake half of Trost if you continue with that screaming," he informed me calmly. A hot wave shot up my cheeks, and I gave myself a mental slap to not back down now.

"We know who the enemy is? Are you telling me that Petra, Oluo, Gunther, and Eld died just for you to find that out?! I could have told you this all alone! People! People are our greatest enemies. They didn't have to die for this. None of it had to happen…." The fire in my voice died by the end of my speech, and tears streamed down my face again as the images of their deaths played in my head like in a gallery. I closed my eyes, hoping to hide away, but they followed, haunting me like death itself.

"No, they didn't have to," Captain said after a long silence. His voice was restricted and emotionless, yet I caught the deep dive in his tone. As if emotion broke through a stone-clad wall of restrain. I wiped at my eyes, angry at my show of weakness, and glanced at him. His eyes never moved from me, and his expression only darkened. The circles under his eyes, which I hadn't paid attention to before, shone brighter than the unyielding spark in his eyes. He looked tired. Exhausted even. Yet there was me, the last member of his team, falling into hysterics in the infirmary. Shame swirled in my chest, leaving a bitter taste on the tip of my tongue.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

"Just get some sleep," he sighed, reaching for his disregarded book. "There is no point in questioning the past when we have so many uncertainties in what lies ahead."

I latched onto those words, keeping them close to my heart and trying to fool my consciousness into believing that they were true until sleep finally did get the better of me.

"Now, that is a pleasant surprise!" Hange proclaimed, shifting her gaze between the Captain and me, still occupying the armchair and skimming through the book he'd brought. He didn't say a word in the past few hours. And I would be lying if I said that the quiet of his company brought me nothing but comfort. The trust I didn't know I held toward him kept me feeling safe and calm.

"Hange!" An unexpected smile tugged at my lips, and I couldn't fight it. Raising my arms to her, I waited until she reached my bed and hugged me. I inhaled the smell of coffee mixed with the potent smell of ink, finding myself comforted even more by it. Her hands carefully went to my shoulders, and I appreciated her thoughtfulness. My body hurt everywhere, and every movement brought back tears to my eyes.

"Feeling any better? Did this mood-killer not bore you to death yet?" she asked, leaning away. I had to fight a smirk when I glanced at Captain, watching him roll his eyes.

"Sharp, coming from someone who actually gave pet names to her study subjects," he replied, bending the page of his book as a bookmark.

"Shawny and Bean were not just test subjects!" Hange argued.

"Whatever you say, four-eyes."

"That reminds me, why are you here exactly? Never seen you before in the infirmary checking on your wounded teammates," Hange said, rubbing her chin as though deep in thought.

"You should exchange your glasses then. They might be insufficient as your vision is definitely lacking."

"It might be lacking indeed. Because I missed a moment when this became a thing," Hange replied, victoriously smiling at Levi.

"I don't understand what you are talking about, and neither do I care," Captain said, getting to his feet. "I've got places to be."

"Sure, you do," Hange said, smirking at his retreating back.

"What was that about?" I asked, and she looked at me as if I had grown a titan arm.

"Well, if you don't see it, then who am I to open your eyes."

"Uhm, what?" I asked, shaking my head.

"Never mind. How are you feeling?"

"Hurting. Confused. What happened? How did the mission go?"

"Didn't shorty tell you? Oh well, I guess you two were too busy to discuss that," she sighed, settling in the now empty armchair. "Mission was a disaster. They are talking about shutting down the Survey Corps."

"What?!" I jumped on the bed and instantly regretted the movement. Curling in on myself, I glanced at Hange as I tried to breathe through the pain and process the news she'd brought.

"Not to worry. We have a plan. The mission didn't bring what we hoped it would, but thanks to one of the younger recruits, we have a plan of action."

"What plan? I don't understand anything."

"The mission was not about the exploration and practice for the new recruits, as you surely have guessed. It was about finding a mole in our midst," she replied, picking up Levi's disregarded cup of tea and looking inside.

"A mole?" I thought it over. "You mean like Eren?"

"I knew I liked you for a reason. You are bright when shit hits the fan."

"Ge, thanks."

"It was a compliment, you know," she smiled and took a sip from the cup. "Anyhow, we might be on the right track to catch someone who is indeed like Eren yet is working against us."

"Are there more like him? Why work against us?"

"If only I had the answers… But we should get them soon. The mission fires up tomorrow."

"And when do I get signed out?"

"You are not taking part in it," Hange stated, tipping the cup over and drinking the last of the tea.

"Excuse me?"

"You are wounded. You are in no shape to fight."

"So is the Captain!" I exclaimed, shifting forward.

"Levi? Nah, he is okay. The world will come to an end before he gets seriously hurt. But he is also staying out of action. As most of the Survey Corps is."

"Tell me the plan!" I demanded, fighting the urge to jump off the bed and run to the training yards this instant.

"Fine. But if shorty complains that I spilled, I'm clear of all the blame!"

Levi

"They are in the Walls, Levi! Do you know what that means?" Hange yelled, pacing her small workroom. I sighed, lazily glancing at her and returning to my tea. "They must be in all of them. Gods, in all of them! This cannot be… How… Fuck!"

She fell into the chair, looking disheveled. Her usually messy ponytail was practically undone at this point from the number of times she'd run her hands through her hair, pulling at the strands in frustration. She seemed spaced out, staring somewhere in front of her, lost in thought. I lowered my teacup and gave her an annoyed look. "Are you done?"

"This is bigger than I could've ever anticipated. We need to get that priest to talk. He knows something. I can smell it on him."

"And I can smell that you totally neglected to shower," I scrunched my nose pointedly. She rolled her eyes. "Keep up at that, and soon we won't have a titan problem — they will die of suffocation. Alongside the humanity."

"First of all, that is not true - I showered this morning if you must know. And secondly - thank you. I see what you are trying to do here, keeping my mind off of things," she smiled and reached out to pat my arm. I raised a brow at her in question, and she shook her head. "You are never gonna reveal who you truly are to anyone, are you?" She asked, removing her hand and taking off her glasses. Rubbing a corner of her sleeve on one of the lenses and cleaning it, she smirked at me. I knew I wouldn't like the question even before she voiced it. "On the subject of revealing things, how's Verity?"

I stiffened, my fingers straining on the edge of the cup, threatening to shutter the fragile porcelain. "You tell me you were the last to see her," I took a sip of my drink, hating the unnerving stuttering my heart did when her name was mentioned. I was having trouble signing it off for curiosity. More and more each day. Seeing her dead there in the forest, surrounded by four other corpses of her teammates… I couldn't think of that moment and not wish to break something. The anger that spiked in my blood could've poisoned the Colossal titan.

I couldn't tell when this started or when it developed into something I couldn't quite name. Interest? She wasn't particularly interesting if you cross out her uncommon facial features. Although, I would be lying if I said I didn't find her appealing to the eye. Her skills were average at best. But her willpower and practice would soon enough compensate for the lack of natural talent. She had trouble following orders at times, and human contact seemed foreign to her. Yet she did seem to care about the team. Her past did spike some ember of interest, but in the big picture, it didn't matter. She didn't matter. Yet, I couldn't stop thinking about her.

I told Hange the truth. She really was the last one to visit Verity because I did my best to keep myself occupied and avoid going to the infirmary. What she said when she woke up sliced deeper than I would've liked. It wasn't shame, though, that drove me away. No, rather, it was anger. But I couldn't understand who I was angry with her, titans, myself, or Erwin.

"Who's spaced out now, huh?" Hange's smirk soured my mood even more.

I glowered at her. "Why are you so invested in her anyway? Do you want to infect more people with this titan obsession of yours? I gotta tell you, you would have more luck with the newbies."

"Oh, shorty, it's not just her I'm so invested in. We've had so little fun lately. Your little drama is practically the only thing that keeps me going."

"What are you talking about?" I sighed, rubbing at my brow, frustrated.

"I gotta say, though, it starts getting old."

"For fuck's sake, what does?!"

Her smirk deepened, but before she could reply, a door to her room flew open with a loud bang. A soldier sprinted inside, breathing heavily, as though he was running from death itself. Hange and I stared at him in question, waiting for him to catch his breath enough to speak. "Titans…. Inside the… Wall Maria…"

I sprang to my feet, in the corner of my eye, noticing Hange do the same. "What? Where is the breach?"

"That's the problem. We don't know. The titans were spotted near the Ragako village!"

Verity

It's been hours since the news came. Titans were inside the Walls. Again. Evacuations started, and the Survey Corps was on edge, scouting Wall Maria and looking for a breach, fighting off the titans that had managed to slip through, protecting the citizens. And I… I was lying flat on my ass in the infirmary.

I should have felt relieved that I wasn't on the front lines. That I wasn't risking my life alongside the others. But I felt nothing of that matter. Instead, guilt and shame crept in, souring every breath I took, churning my stomach in painful knots, and leaving me restless. I had already lost everyone on my team. I couldn't possibly lose more. Who would be the next? Eren? Hange? Captain… I couldn't bare the thought.

Tossing and turning in the bed all day and night, I finally fell into a restless sleep. But if I hoped to find solace in the dream world, it was for naught. Nightmares chased me every night since the mission. I haven't had this many terrors in years. My mind had learned soon enough in my past to block it. Restrain painful memories in self-preservation. But it seemed as though something had collided with the walls I'd so carefully built through the years. Something tore through them with the force of an Armoured titan, shattering them to debris and dust. Pain-filled dreams left me gasping for air every time I closed my eyes. Images of the past followed me like ghosts. Faces of people I'd loved and then lost reflected in every surface, watching me from every darkened corner.

I couldn't stand it. I had to get the hell out. I had to do something.

When the night fell again, I couldn't stay in bed any longer. Creeping on my heels, I'd reached the end of a spacious shared ward, cringing from every creak of the floorboards and every disheveled breath I couldn't hold. This was a painful reminder of how I used to sneak around my father's house. Fearing every noise, flinching from every shadow. Hoping that he wouldn't wake and punish me. As he did way too many times.

Sneaking past the doctor's office, I sprinted down the stairs of the hospital wing. The entrance door squeaked loudly so, and I swore under my breath as I listened to the quiet of the building. Once I made sure no one heard, I squeezed out and into the inner yard of the Survey Corp's main castle. Breathing in the fresh and slightly chilly air, I closed my eyes, thinking of my next steps. What was I about to do now? Sneak into the armory, and then what? Arm myself and steal a horse? And go where? I had no idea of the direction of the attack. And who was I kidding? I was no match for most of the soldiers in the SC. I would die an untimely death to the first titan I spot.

My eyes suddenly stung from the unfairness of this. I was useless, wasn't I? Just as my father had always said. It was foolish and dangerous of me to keep on trying to fool everyone. I was no match for Petra. No match for Gunther, Oluo, and Eld. No match for Harold.

A need to scream scratched at my throat. But I held it in, suspended it, just as I'd done it all my life. I couldn't do anything. I shouldn't have tried.

Sourness coated my tongue, and the heaviness in my chest strengthened. I started to walk, the idea forming in my mind. I knew well enough that I wouldn't find peace. But maybe, there was something that could at least help me scratch the surface of it.

The dining hall was as empty as a tomb. Most of the soldiers had to have gone to fulfill their duties when I was laying holes in my backside. How noble of me. I felt sick.

I headed for the adjacent kitchen chambers and started opening closets one by one, looking, searching. No cupboard was left unopened, and no drawer was turned over. I didn't pay attention to the noise I was making - I didn't care. My emotions collided with fears and mixed with memories, and this concoction was about to drive me crazy. With every passing second, I could feel the walls of sanity in my brain cracking, the dark side seeping in more and more. Whispering into my ear, tempting me.

"What do you think you're doing?" I jerked up at the unexpected voice and leaned back from the lower cupboard I was searching. Straightening, I looked at the source. Captain stood at the entrance, leaning against the hardwood of the entryway. His heavy-hooded steely gaze focused on me, a deep crease in his brow darkening his features. I opened my mouth to speak, but no words came out. "Has the cat got your tongue?"

I swallowed hard and focused on closing the doors of the cupboard. "I couldn't sleep," I managed to get out, avoiding Captain's gaze.

"So you decided to rummage through the kitchens for fun?" He asked, his voice impassive.

"No. I was looking for something that would help me sleep."

"Like a sleeping draught that you could've gotten in the hospital wing?" I felt my cheeks redden at my stupidity. He was, of course, correct. I could've gotten a sleeping draught from the doctors, but it didn't cross my mind. No, I wanted to get out. I wanted to be useful. To feel needed. And there, in the infirmary, I only felt forgotten, leftover, lost, futile, irrelevant. Lonely.

"I needed to get out," I stated, deciding to tell him the whole truth. "I can't rest. I want to take part in the mission. I can't just sit back when people are fighting the titans. I need to be out there. I need to do something! Yet, I can't. So I…." My voice trailed off as the shame turned into a hot, burning ball in the middle of my chest. I raised a hand to it, rubbing at my midsection, careful of the still-healing ribs.

Captain studied me for a long moment before pushing off the threshold and walking toward me. I stiffened, yet a pleasant shockwave shot through my chest and down my spine. He didn't remove his gaze from mine as he stalked over and opened one of the higher cupboards, pulling out a half-empty bottle of whiskey. "Is this what you were looking for?"

Ashamed of myself yet desperately wanting release, I nodded, biting the inside of my cheek to keep myself from retreating. He grabbed the bottle tighter and stepped toward the door, motioning with his head to follow him. Wordlessly, I did so, and he led me back to the dining hall and then out to the staircases. We climbed at least five floors before the main stairway ended. Captain walked to the side, opened a closet-like door, and walked in. I hesitated for only a second before following him. Behind the door was not a closet, though; it was more stairs. Rounded steps sprang up in a tower-like way. I climbed them after the Captain, and soon we finally stepped out into what looked like a balcony.

Stone banisters barely reached my mid-thigh and caged in the space. The grey stone shone with small glitters from the mix of quartz in the material. The moon hung low in the skies. The full yellowish disk of it mesmerised me yet left a bitter aftertaste. As though, no matter the beauty of it, it held something ominous behind it. Captain walked to the railing and jumped on it, taking a sit with his feet dangling from the side of the castle. I followed his lead, trying to keep my hospital gown in place.

Captain opened the battled and took a swig before offering it to me. I took it and followed his lead. The biting bitterness of the drink made me cringe, and I forcefully swallowed it down, marveling at the already spreading warmth. I offered the battle back, but Captain shook his head. He was staring up into the skies, watching the stars glisten right back at him. I took another drink, fearful of gazing into the abyss that was the skies. I didn't feel grounded enough to feel empowered and face the endless dark of the night heavens.

"Why aren't you on a mission?" I asked, a few drinks in me stirring up bravery that normally stayed soundlessly asleep.

"My leg," he replied curtly, and I glanced at his thigh. I didn't notice anything wrong with the way he moved.

"Is it bad?"

"No, but Erwin wouldn't take any chances." Captain cut off, and I bit my tongue, focusing on the whisky once more. "Why can't you sleep?"

His question stirred the dark thoughts that choked me every time I was weak enough to fight them. I knew I shouldn't talk about it with him. Yet something tugged on my tongue, the truths rolling off it like chocolate candy. "All the deaths. All the loss… I feel useless. I couldn't stop them from dying, and neither can I help now. I am a dark spot on the map of humanity. The stain that just wouldn't come off. It would be better if I'd died in their stead…."

"Stop it!" Captain snapped, and I jerked, almost losing my grip on the bottle. I looked at him in shock. His grey-blue eyes, which usually reminded me of steal, now pulled me in like the depths of still waters. His face wasn't impassive now. And it wasn't his usual frown that indicated deep thought, concentration, or irritation. Now it was something else… "You survived. They didn't. This is the sum of it. Stop thinking of what could have happened. It didn't. That's all that matters."

"How can you say that?" My voice betrayed me, shaking with emotion. His words, cruel in their truthfulness, rang true in my mind. And that hurt me the most. I was still glad I survived, and they didn't. What did it make of me? "I'm a monster," I whispered, biting on my lower lip to stop it from trembling. Captain watched me quietly for a long moment while I tried and failed to fight the rising emotions. "I know you hate me. But I didn't mean for Harold to die. I didn't mean for them all to die. I tried to save them. I really did. It's all my fault. So many mistakes, so much hurt. I'm useless. Sometimes I wish I could just die so this all would be over."

His face hardened, and he looked away for a moment, focusing on his upturned palms as though seeing all the blood that scorched all of our hands. Blood of lost comrades, enemies, and loved ones. Human blood in the war against titans. He curled up his fists, and his gaze met mine again. The sudden gush of wind blew my hair into my face, and the strands stuck on the wet trails covering my cheeks.

"I don't hate you, Verity," he sighed, his eyes trailing my face with an unfamiliar intensity. "Hange was right. You just froze. It was your first outing. And it pains me to admit it, but I shouldn't have been so harsh on you. I know you now, and no matter how much I would prefer to hate you, I can't quite make myself do that anymore." His words took the breath right out of my lungs. I watched him, mesmerized, as he reached over, trailing his fingertips over my cheek in a ghost-like touch. My skin broke into a million goosebumps, and I shivered as he put the strand of hair behind my left ear. "You are unique in the most fucked up ways possible, but you are not evil."

And it was the first time ever that I'd found myself regretting working for Kenny.