Verity
His words followed me like an angry poltergeist demanding justice.
"No matter how much I would prefer to hate you, I can't quite make myself do that anymore."
He didn't hate me. And I couldn't help but feel horrible because of it.
Standing right outside the small inn on the outskirts of Trost, I couldn't stop dwelling on those words. I couldn't stop picturing his face or feeling a phantom touch of his fingers on my cheek as he brushed the strand of my hair away from my face. His eyes - bluer than I'd ever seen - sucked me in their depths, taking all the air from my lungs. The look he gave me left me speechless and hurt at the same time, just as the thought of my mission fused in. Those thoughts suddenly felt like a deadly poison overtaking a healthy body. Like a bucket of black ink dumped into the stunningly beautiful fountain.
Wrong.
Painful.
Real.
I had to take a deep breath and forcefully shove those memories away as I pulled on the entrance door and walked in. The stuffed air inside smelled of tobacco and cheap wine, and the sour smell of the latter made my stomach churn. The bar-like foyer was mostly empty, and the bartender seemed bored as he absent-mindedly rubbed at the stained glass. Holding my breath, I stepped farther into the room, catching his attention. His eyes roamed over me, and I instantly fell sick at the sticky sensation his greedy eyes left along their way.
"I'm here to visit Mr. Hastler," I stated, trying to ignore the crawling feeling on my skin from his studying gaze. At my words, he cringed and waved towards the stairs.
"Second floor, first door on the right."
I hurried toward the stairs, rushing up each step. I stopped before the indicated door, catching my breath and listening to what was happening inside. Silence. Utter and deadly silence.
I knocked, and the door instantly flew open. A familiar face greeted me, but instead of feeling relieved as before, I felt terror creeping in.
"Inside," he commanded, and I obliged. My body obeyed his command on its own accord. As though it was normal. As though I was made to serve him.
Shutting the door, Kenny turned to study me. His eyes traveled the length of my body. It wasn't a worried look, though. More like he was making sure that his prized possession was in one piece before the auction. I felt sick all of a sudden.
"Good to see you in one piece after the mission," he finally said, strolling toward the small dining table on the right side of the room. He grabbed a glass filled with amber liquid and sipped before facing me again. "Why was your report not on time?"
I gulped, getting my emotions under control. "I'd decided to give it to you in person." He regarded me from behind his glass - his gaze cold and sharp, emotionless and determined. Something pinched me on the inside, and the hurt flooded my chest with the intensity of a rain shower. The disapproval and suspicion in his gaze made me painfully aware of the duties I'd recently disregarded. Of my focus being anywhere but where it was supposed to be. I felt instantly ill with myself. Horrified by the person, I'd become. "I failed you," I whispered as my chest contorted in pain. "I should have contacted you earlier, but…."
"Ah, that infamous but!" He exclaimed, interrupting me just when fear bit at my insides, salving the pain and leaving a bitter aftertaste in my mouth. "I thought you vowed your life to me. Or did you change your mind?" He asked, stepping closer, and I backed away until I hit the wall. My breath staggered as he neared. Cornered, I felt as if I was walking on the edge of a knife. One misstep, and it would be over. I'd never felt like that with Kenny before. He'd always brought me some sort of comfort. Sense of belonging. Yet now, I felt anything but. I felt hunted. Threatened. Moments away from death.
"I'm sorry. I'm here now. I will tell you all that I know!" I offered, just as Kenny stopped right before me. He stared me down, his eyes the color of frozen steel. A shiver ran down my spine, and I could almost see him grabbing my neck and choking me.
I did fail him. I had promised to obey, yet I didn't contact him in a while. And why?! Just because of a scout's team? It sounded ridiculous! Yet it was the truth. I had avoided getting in contact with Kenny. I couldn't quite admit it to myself, but I was protecting that little happiness I'd gathered inside the Scout's regiment. I was acting childish. Irresponsible.
Selfish.
"Do tell then," Kenny said, prolonging his words as though tasting each syllable. I had to swallow hard as my thoughts ran wild.
"The female Titan was captured, but in a glassed-over form. The whole plan behind the mission was to find others working against humanity. Eren almost got captured, but he fought the female Titan and won. She is now kept in the dungeons of the Scout's castle."
"That's all you've got?" Kenny's face twitched in annoyance, and I couldn't help the spiking urge to prove myself.
"The're titans in the Walls!" I exclaimed just as he started to turn away. His gaze snapped back to me, and he squinted.
"The fuck do you mean?"
"The titans," I had to stop to swallow the knot in my throat. "They are inside the Walls. It's like they are buried in the concrete or something. We don't know how that happened yet…."
A hideous smile twisted Kenny's mouth as he regarded me. "We?" he asked, and all the blood drained from my face. I opened my mouth to object when his hand snapped up, and his fingers curled around my throat, choking me. "I thought you were better than this. But I'd been obviously wrong. Did you fall for that Captain of yours, huh?" he spit the word, Captain. "Or is it the idea of freedom? Of the fucking wings? It's an illusion, Verity! I'd thought you were smarter than this. I meant what I said when I got you out from the Underground. Loyalty is what I value in people. And the treachery… Well, you know better than anyone that I can be quite murderous against people who betray me."
His voice, as cold and sharp as steel, bit into my skin. My heart drummed in my ears, and my vision started to blur. I knew he was right. I remembered my promise. Yet, so many things have changed since then. I had changed. That didn't help the stinging bite of shame curling in my chest. I'd given him my word. He was my savior. I had to obey. "Levi's team is leaving the city," I croaked out, my throat straining against his palm. His grip loosened for a moment, and he crooked his head in question.
"Levi's team? Who is a part of it now."
"Some new recruits, including Eren," at his angry look, I swallowed hard, trying to remember all the names of the team members: "Armin Arlert, Sasha Blouse, Jean Kirstein, Historia Reiss, Mikasa Ackerman, and Connie Springer."
"Reiss?" Kenny asked, picking one of the names from the list. "Leaving where?"
"Outskirts. We will hide out in the fields southeast of Trost. There is a cabin… We are to stay there until further orders," my voice trembled, sounding hollow and creaking with the last whistling air leaving my lungs. Kenny's grip loosened suddenly, and I gulped in the air, choking on it.
"So they are planning on hiding them, huh?" Kenny mumbled as he rubbed his chin in thought. I reached at my throat, holding it as though it could help me breathe freely. "That changes things," Kenny proclaimed, stepping back and grabbing his disregarded drink again. He took a sip and swallowed hard before looking at me once more. "I need you to show me your gratitude one more time. At least this once, do as I tell you so. It is important. More so than you can imagine." His voice changed, and the hurt in it made my heart ache. I nodded, watching his face turn rigid with unpleasant thoughts. "I must get close to him. Once you've settled in the hideout, give me a notice about your location. I need to retrieve Eren… And once I have them…." Kenny's face suddenly turned dreamy, and the change sent a thrilling bolt down my spine. He faced me again, and his eyes roamed my face, searching for deceit once more. When he found none, he continued: "I need you to inform me of any movements. If Eren so much as sneezes, I need a note. You got that?"
I nodded, feeling my throat tighten with the next breath I took. "How do I contact you? I can't, in all honesty, send letters from the house lost in the middle of nowhere."
He regarded me coldly, his dreamy look gone in a matter of moments. "Shoot a black signal flame in the depths of night. That will mark the cabin's position in the woods. I will see it."
Swallowing hard, I nodded, accepting my fate and obeying Kenny's command. It was foolish of me to imagine that I could have any will of my own.
The view from the rooftop was almost as stunning as the night before. Previously stained with hundreds of stars, the skies now seemed meticulously clean. The soft blue merged beautifully with the bushy white of the rare clouds. I watched them move on an invisible wind, blending and creating various forms, making me dwell on the strange figures.
Heaving a sigh, I shifted as my ribs started to hurt from the uncomfortable pose. I sat up, cringing from the distant pain, and glanced at the horizon, marveling at the setting sun. I hadn't heard from Captain since morning when the order for tomorrow came in. We were to move out to some remote, lost in the middle of nowhere farmhouse and wait out all of the political uncertainties. If only it could be that simple.
I closed my eyes and lifted my face towards the settling sun. The warmth spreading across my skin made me smile. I relaxed my back on the castle wall, letting the heating numbness take the better of me.
"I didn't expect to find you here of all places." My eyes flew open, and I sat up, staring at the source of the familiar voice. Captain strolled toward me, resting his elbows on the stone railing and watching the setting sun. My heart sped up in a matter of seconds, and a painful thrill twisted my stomach as I watched his beautiful profile.
"I couldn't stay in bed," I finally offered, forcing my eyes away from him.
I heard him shifting, and the next question sounded closer than the previous one as I kept staring at the view: "What are you doing here?"
"Running away," I answered, trying to shove the memories of the recent talk with Kenny somewhere deep and beyond reach. "How was the meeting with the Commander?"
Captain shifted uncomfortably, and his face turned even more sullow. "Erwin lost his arm in the last mission. But that's not even the worst of it," he said, and I gasped, picturing the Commander with one arm. How would he operate? How could he serve with such an injury?!
But Captain's words didn't escape me, and once the first shock settled, I kept questioning him: "What can be worse than that?"
He sighed, and his gaze landed on me when he said: "Titans are human. We were killing people all this time."
The world froze. All I could see were the stunning grey-blue of the Captain's eyes, and all I could hear were his words ringing in my ears. They are human. My mouth went dry, and I struggled to form words as my mind raced, one thought tripping over another.
It was not possible. It didn't make any sense! Titans were human? Was he joking?!
But before I could voice my disbelieves, Captain straightened. He brushed the invisible dust from his meticulously ironed shirt and gave me a look. "We are moving out early morning. The team is formed from the new recruits. I hope you can handle being the second in command."
"What?" I choked out, jumping off the railing. My bare feet landed on the warm stone of the balcony floor, and I took a step toward the Captain. He raised one eyebrow at me, and I felt the heat creep up my neck.
"You are the oldest in the team. I trust you. Therefore, you are the second in command."
His words sliced me deeper than any sword or knife ever could. The pain shot through my chest and threatened to blind me with its intensity. I couldn't accept this. No matter how reasonable it sounded. I was Kenny's spy. I was Captain's enemy. I couldn't…
But, Walls, did I want to! I wanted to be loyal to the Captain. I wanted to repay his trust in me. To prove myself to him. To be at the receiving end of that faithful gaze of his. To be by his side.
And before my brain followed, my mouth formed the words on its own accord: "It would be my honor to serve as your second in command, Captain."
If only I could devote myself to him.
If only I could mean what I'd said.
"Hey! Did you guys wipe the mud off your shoes before you came in?" Eren yelled, and I couldn't help but chuckle at the nervousness clouding his voice.
"Huh? Are you kidding me?" Jean replied, dropping the grain sack on the kitchen stand. "Don't you see all the stuff we are carrying?" he asked incredulously.
"You idiot! Do you think an excuse like that is gonna play with Captain Levi?" Eren yelled back, and I nearly choked on the apple I was munching on. "Bad enough, I had to make the bed for you his morning, and now you pull this crap?"
"Oh, shut it! Who are you, my mom, now?" Jean screamed back, only interrupted by Mikasa and Krista walking in with the stacks of firewood in their arms.
"We're back," Mikasa said, her eyes studying Eren and Jean. As if evaluating the growing argument.
"Wait. You were chopping firewood?" Armin asked, stepping into the kitchen. His disapproving gaze would turn most people to run, but not Mikasa.
"Gotta stay in shape somehow," she shrugged, dropping the wood she was carrying near the stove and stretching her shoulders.
"You got grabbed by a titan! You should be in bed recovering," Armin protested, and I couldn't help but agree with him. It didn't mean I would take part in their argument, though.
"You are wasting your breath," Eren sighed, facing Armin. "I caught her doing sit-ups earlier too."
"Oh, so you are a nag and a spy!" Jean yelled all of a sudden.
"What?! How the hell are you…."
The bickering slowly grew into an argument, and I felt the sudden need to interject. "Hey, now. As long as the fire's burning and the food's stewing, it doesn't make sense to argue." My voice sank in the loudness of the shouting voices, and I sighed deeply.
When the door opened up, and a sound of footsteps followed, I was not surprised to see Captain strolling in. He ignored the noise and headed straight for the dinner table. Instead of swiping on the top of the tabletop, he moved his hand below it. The dust flakes swirled in the air instantly, and Captain cringed, staring at his dust-covered palm. He reached for his packet and retrieved a handkerchief. Wiping at his hand, his eyes searched the room and landed on me. I felt myself shrinking under his chastising look. "I'm quite certain I gave you enough time," The blush crept up my cheeks, but before I could reply, he shook off the handkerchief and sighed. "Never mind. We can discuss your utter failure at a later date. Eren? Hange is anxious to get the experiment underway."
"Right. Yes, sir." Eren replied, and I couldn't stop the worry that twisted my stomach.
"What's wrong, Eren?! Get up! The future of humanity depends on you, damn it!" Hange yelled at the collapsed titan carcass. The steam was erupting from every inch of it now. I shifted uncomfortably, looking around the woods, scared of all the unwanted eyes seeing this smoke.
"Third time and his form's changed again. He's not even ten meters tall, and some of his body lacks muscle," Captain pointed out. "Plus, Eren's scrawny ass is hanging out."
"I can see that!" Hange snapped back, her gaze never moving away from Eren. "Hey, you think you can still move?! Give us a signal or something, will ya?"
As if on cue, Mikasa screamed Eren's name and jumped from her horse. She ran towards his Titan, huffing and pouting over his half-titan form.
"Great, the brat's at it again. Off to the rescue," Captain mumbled my exact thought, and I huffed in agreement. "She never learns, does she?"
"There's no response. We are done here," Hange commanded and lept off the cliff toward Eren, screaming his name as she went.
Captain only sighed at her actions and said to no one in particular: "Not the outcome we'd hoped for. We are still a long way from being able to use Eren's Titan to seal the Wall."
Armin shifted from foot to foot on my left and cleared his throat. "Yes. We've known all along this would be like grasping at proverbial straws."
Captain gave him a long unreadable look before motioning toward the cliff's end. "You ride back to the house with Eren. I'll go with Hange's group. We are headed for Trost."
"Sir," Armin and Krista replied.
Captain's gaze followed Krista as she walked down the hill, following Armin. Captain's brows knitted, and the concerned look he gave her made my stomach churn. I followed his gaze as something sour settled in my mouth, making me nauseous.
The setting sun reflected from the polished barrel of a signal gun, sending sunbeams jumping around the wooden platform of a lookout tower. I turned the gun in my hands, watching reflections dance on the raw wood of the railing.
Kenny was waiting for my signal. Yet I couldn't make myself send it. Not yet. Just a little more time…
Nearing footsteps made me glance up just as Mikasa reached the last step of the stairs. "I'm here to take over the post." Nodding to her, I grabbed a riffle stacked against the corner of the railing. I offered it to her and was about to leave when she spoke again: "Do you… Do you have a family?"
I froze in place at her sudden question. The old wounds stirred up, the dull pain swirling in my chest. "Not anymore. You?" She shook her head, and the uncomfortable silence followed. "Do you know anyone else who looks, you know, like us?"
"Only my mom, but…." I nodded in understanding and shifted on my feet uncomfortably. Mikasa shook her head in the direction of the lodge. "Go. The dinner will soon be ready."
The quiet of the dining room lay heavy on my chest, even though I was definitely not at the center of attention. All eyes were on Krista. No. Historia.
Captain kept sipping at his tea, one arm draped across the back of his chair. All nonchalance, as though he hadn't just heard the same story as I did. Historia's story.
"After that, I lived in a settlement for two years, entered training corps when I turned twelve," she continued briefly. "Then met all of you." His eyes finally moved from the one spot at the table she kept staring at this whole time. She didn't cry, and her face looked impassive. Yet I could sense a sort of hurt lingering behind her crystal-blue eyes. She wasn't invincible. Nobody was.
Captain put down his teacup, and it clanked against the saucer. I looked at him then, and his gaze instantly jumped to me. His usual uncaring facade was still solidly in place, but I could tell he thought the same thing I did.
What the hell was so special about the Reiss family?
"Right, well. I believe that's enough drama for tonight. I'm calling it a day," Captain rose to his feet and picked up his plate and a teacup before disappearing into the kitchen. I looked at Historia, who returned to staring at the table, lost in unpleasant memories.
I couldn't understand how she felt, really. I'd never had a chance to connect with my mother, either. Neither of my parents, really. But for entirely different reasons. I knew my family loved me for as long as they could, yet her family was around for much longer and didn't seem to give a shit about her existence. I couldn't tell which one of these outcomes was worse. But I couldn't stop thinking about what it would be like having a parent around while growing up. Someone who can be an example to you. Someone who didn't get aroused by hurting you or allowing his friends to do so.
Shaking my head and trying to ignore my own memories, I got up as well, following Captain to the kitchen. He was nowhere in sight, and I peeked out of the side door to the garden. There he was, leaning on the porch railing and staring into the darkened skies. I closed the door tightly behind me and joined him, trying to focus on what I wanted to discuss instead of his heavy presence.
He glanced at me from the corner of my eye, and my skin instantly heated. "How was the trip to Trost?" I asked, fighting and losing the small tremor in my hands. Resting my palms on the railing, I clenched my fists, hoping to hide how his presence affected me.
"Tiresome. Uneventful," he said, turning fully to regard me. "But this is not why you came out here."
I shook my head, avoiding his gaze. Collecting my thoughts never felt as hard as at that very moment.
"Who are the Reiss family?" I asked, turning to look at him. His gaze snapped to my eyes, and the blood rushed to my face as I realized it was traveling down my body just moments ago.
Holly Walls, get it together!
"A small aristocratic family. Not much is known about them, really."
"But there has to be a reason. Why hide the illegitimate daughter if it was only a "small aristocratic family"? To avoid shame? That's stupid! There are as many bastards inside the Walls as there are titans outside them," I bit my lip, annoyed at my inability to get answers. Not only was the family supposed to hold secrets to the Walls, but also Kenny was unusually invested in it. It didn't escape me that he'd used them as opposed to him when talking about capturing Eren. Was it Historia he was after?
"You are asking good questions. But I'm afraid no one in reach has answers to them," He leaned on the railing once more and faced the garden. It was my turn to study him with my eyes.
His sharp jawline and high cheekbones were underlined by the soft highlights of the moon's cold light. The well-sculpted curves of his features looked too good to be real. Yet, no matter the path in life he'd chosen and all the fighting he'd done in the past, it left no visible marks on his face. His nose was beautifully straight, like he'd never had it broken. His lips, no matter the common hard expression, were plump and looked soft. Something that I could never tell about the Captain himself. His face showed no stubble, and the usually deep frown was less visible in a moonlit night.
My gaze dipped to the opened top buttons of his shirt, and my stomach filled with liquid heat.
"Are you done staring at me?" he suddenly asked, and I jerked away, hiding my flushed cheeks behind the strands of hair that escaped my braid. But before I could run back inside the house and go brew in my embarrassment, I heard him chuckle a little, and a soft touch landed on the top of my head, forcing me to face him. He patted my head, and my mouth flew open at the sigh of the slightest curve of the corners of his lips. He removed his hand and nodded toward the cabin before turning and walking away.
"Go get some sleep. We have practice tomorrow."
I glowered at Captain in disbelief. Shaking my head, I cradled my hands closer to my chest. "I'm not removing my gloves."
Captain only scoffed at my reply, looking annoyed in the hottest way possible. It only got me angrier. "What's that with you and your gloves?" He asked, resting his arms in a lock against his chest. I scowled, mirroring his pose.
"I prefer not to touch people skin to skin. Is this too much to ask?" That was some of the truth behind my issue. The bigger part, if I was being honest. Captain raised his brows in question but didn't say a word. His gaze traveled down my body lazily as if trying to locate the insecurity I'd held so close to my heart.
"I'd touched you more than once," he finally offered, and I couldn't help the shiver running down my spine. He was the only one who touched my bare skin and lived to tell. Even Kenny wasn't allowed to do so - only through the gloves or textile. But Captain's touch seemed different in the most confusing of ways. His hands felt nice. His fingers warm. His attention - is alluring. His touch - scalding and burning, yet pleasant in the most hurtful ways. I could still vividly remember his fingers glazing over my wrist. The rough, callused pads bringing the craziest waves of goosebumps. Leaving different marks from what I was used to having. And his marks seemed to go deeper than skin. It was as though he'd poisoned my mind with his touch. Occupied my thoughts. Broke into my dreams.
And I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the torture those feelings brought me.
I was really fucked up.
Coming to a decision, I pulled at my gloves and threw them to the side of the fighting pit. I could only hope not to regret it further on. Captain watched me closely as though my actions defined his fate. His eyes traveled from the disregarded gloves and back to me, and the concern in his features made my heart skip a beat. "Ready?" He asked, and I nodded, biting my lip and taking a fighting stance.
Captain mirrored my position, and a moment passed of us trying to spot a weakness in one another. He finally moved, circling me to the right. I followed, watching his every move closely. My hands felt bare at the softest of winds, and that feeling of being exposed pushed at my chest, making me feel small. Vulnerable. But the emptiness my palms felt was unpleasantly exciting.
Captain's attack took me off guard, no matter my scrutinizing gaze. His leg shot out, and I tripped, losing balance. The ground flew toward my face, and it was all I could do to take the hit. But, no matter my mental preparations, the ground took my breath. I wheezed, feeling stupid and weak, as Captain circled me like a predator over its prey.
"That wasn't fair," I croaked out, getting up. Captain raised a brow at me and stopped walking, watching my movements with an eagle-like intensity. "And why is that?" he asked.
"You distracted me," I accused him. And he chuckled, making my cheeks flush red. "What?!" I demanded as I watched him relax his posture. In the middle of our combat!
"Do you always take losing personally?" His question just didn't ring true. Strained with unfamiliar intensity, his voice made me secretly earn for things I was not privileged for.
"I'd lost too much to not take it personally," my voice sounded strained even to my own ears. Captain corked a brow, and I rushed him just as he opened his mouth to reply.
Sprinting towards him, I hoped to take him off guard and tumble him to the ground. But the instincts on that man! Just as I was about to reach him, he sidestepped me, and I flew by, crashing into the garden fence. Swearing under my breath, I started to get up when I heard him chuckle.
Annoyed beyond belief, I turned to face him. But all the angry words stuck in my throat. Captain's mischievous expression with a small smile on his lips made my heart speed up more than the fight itself. I grabbed onto the fence to help keep me upright as I studied his features, dedicating the image to my memory.
"Nice move," he commented, and I instantly snapped out of my daze. Picking myself up, I brushed off the dust from my uniform and gave Captain what I considered to be an indignant look.
"You know, one of these days, I will win," I said, returning to the combat stance. The smirk slowly fell off the Captain's lips, and he frowned at me.
"Why did you agree to remove the gloves?" His question took me off guard, and I straightened, looking questioningly at him.
"Because you asked."
"Is that all it takes?" I probably should've been angry with that question, but instead, sorrow curled my stomach into a tight knot. I stared at my palms as though I could see my problem somewhere there, marking my skin like an ugly scar.
"It's different with you. Your touch has never burned me."
The truth rolled off my tongue like chocolate candy. And I didn't want to fight the overwhelming sense of relief blossoming in the middle of my chest.