Verity
The cold of the hardened glass of the cave pillar dug into my back, spreading its ice, as if trying to immobilize me. And it worked. I couldn't move an inch.
My eyes closed, and all I could do was choke on my rapid breaths, while gunshots and screams echoed off the cavern walls and resonated through the pillar and my body. Screams that could very well belong to my squad members. They were fighting their way in, killing and getting killed. Each sound made my stomach churn, and my heart trip. What if that yell was Hange's? What if the next one would be Armin's or Sasha's? What if Mikasa got too reckless in her eagerness to get to Eren?
What if the Captain got hurt?
I groaned and slid down the pillar and to the floor, hiding my face in my hands. I didn't know what to do. In my whole life, never had I ever felt so lost as in that moment. How could I love so many people standing on the opposite sides? A thought of Kenny getting hurt left a lingering pain in the middle of my chest. Yet, thinking of my team hurt no less, and both tore at my heart, ripping it in two.
Why did it have to be like this? Was it me who was at fault? I picked this path, after all. I broke all the rules that Kenny had engraved into my head during the training. I grew attached. Amateur's mistake, yes. But was it a mistake, really, if it felt so right?
I was beyond help.
Incoming swoosh of the ODM made me jerk, and I scrambled to my feet, reaching for my swords. What was I going to do with them? I had no fucking idea. But my hands stilled, the shaking instantly gone, when my palms felt the rough leather strapping on the handles. My mind went laser focused, and I scanned the surroundings, pinpointing the location of the intruder.
Kenny flew through the pillars on full spread, making a harsh turn when he spotted me. I relaxed as he landed and neared, an uncharacteristic smirk playing on his lips. My gaze roamed his body, noticing the blood on his shirt. Was it his, or…
"Why are you still here?" he asked, and I gulped, lowering my gaze to the ground. I couldn't tell him the truth, but I was also done lying. So I opted for silence, and after some moments Kenny gave up. "Tsk. Heard anything of value?"
"Not much. Historia agreed to her father's offer. Reiss got a syringe with titan's spinal fluid which will transform her when she is injected." I reported. Kenny nodded, facing the opposite end of the cave.
"Great. Now go on. The fight is on full," he said, stepping away. I bit my lip, overwhelmed with the need to know the whole truth. I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't just blindly follow him, accepting every lie as a given. I had to know if I was making the right choice, and why all of this was happening to me. The answers felt long overdue.
"Kenny," I called, stopping him just as he was about to fly away. He faced me, an annoyed look twisting his features. My throat dried, and all the words died on my tongue as I stared into his irritated face. The only question broke through the deadlock. The one that I couldn't stop any longer. The one I desperately needed answered. "Why did you save me?"
Kenny chuckled. But there wasn't any humour in it. It sounded like a serial killer's laugh, who marvelled at the fear in the eyes of their prey. "Haven't we been over this?" His tone carried no emotion, and the chill spread through my bones from a sudden change in his expression. He squinted at me, and his lips thinned. A muscle ticked in his jaw, and I knew then.
I was a fool all along.
"Why?" My voice quivered, and I bit my lower lip to keep down the rising sob. He didn't care. All those years, and he still didn't care. Was there anything that actually mattered to Kenny? That fucking dream of his that he wouldn't even share?
"You don't want the answer to that question," he replied, his tone as cold as if he was threatening me. Instead of fear, though, laughter climbed my throat. And I suddenly felt too exhausted to fight it. Throwing back my head, I laughed. The hysterical notes in my voice didn't escape me, and the torturing sound rang all around us, twisting in the echoing staccato.
"You think you know me so well," I said, rubbing away the tears from the corners of my eyes. "But I know you too. And I know you don't give a shit about me. Never have. So what was it, Kenny? Sure as fuck wasn't pity. And you and I both know I never proved myself useful. All those months in the Scouts Corp and all I got to do were bullshit tasks. Like you would actually care about the scout's gear shipment schedule." I laughed again, this time doubling over, as my body shook with hysteria. My breaths went short, and I hiccupped as my head swirled from the lack of oxygen. Kenny didn't reply, neither did he attempt to stop my breakdown. He just watched as I came undone. "What was it then? Paternal instincts coming into play?"
"You dumb little brat," Kenny finally breathed, stepping closer. His face twisted in anger, and that expression would usually make me run. But now? Now I just laughed more, dropping to my knees, and fighting for breath in between the howls.
"It was all about that secretive dream of yours, wasn't it? Do I get to know what the fuck that is, anyway? Turning titan? But why? Wanna fight off famine with cannibalism?" Kenny's hand wrapped around my collar, and he jerked me to my feet. Laughter died on my lips, leaving me numb inside and short of breath. I wasn't afraid any longer, couldn't bring myself to be. If he killed me there and then, it would only liberate me from making a choice I dreaded so much. If he hit me, it would hurt for some time, but wouldn't leave a permanent mark. And even if it did, I couldn't give any fucks about it — my looks were a curse from the get go. So I smirked, looking straight into Kenny's eyes.
He hadn't been my father; I realised. All of this was in my head, the dream I'd painted in my mind with confident strokes of a professional artist. I'd stitched this idea of family into my consciousness so tight, it wouldn't budge off no matter the push of reality. I'd lived in my head too much to see the real world. The idea, I'd imagined, took over my life, deciding for me all this time, when I was simply cowering away. I had to step in now and make a choice. And that choice would have to be mine and mine alone. And I knew damn well that it was going to hurt like hell.
"I took pity on you, and I'm starting to regret it. Chivalry was never my strong suit. Quite the opposite, actually. But I've tried. Gave it my best. I guess the only way I get it right is…." He went quiet at the end, and his eyes roamed my face. I frowned, trying to place his words together, but the meaning behind them escaped me. Kenny's grip loosened on my collar, and he stepped away, fixing his cowboy hat. "Go and fight. Continue living for the sake of drawing a breath. That doesn't sound like any kinda life to me, but you're free to choose it, anyway. Beware, though, if you cross my path, you will regret ever surviving that night back in the Underground."
Kenny walked away then, getting on a run and engaging ODM. I stared at his retreating form, feeling lighter than I'd ever had.
I did make my decision. And it really was just mine.
As I approached the battlefield, the shouts grew louder and my pulse quickened. The air was thick with black smoke and the acrid smell of burning. Green strokes of signal flares pierced the space between the columns, punctuated by the sound of gunfire. Mikasa flew past me, her eyes fixed on two of Kenny's men. With a flick of her wrists, the blades on her hands gleamed in the torchlight as they sliced through her enemies. Blood sprayed in all directions, splashing against the pillars and the cavern floor. Without pausing to acknowledge her kills, she quickly spotted another enemy and charged forward to engage them.
I froze, staring down at the dripping blood. The only human kill I had was that of my captor back at the Underground. And the titan's blood evaporated too quickly to leave a permanent mark. Yet the crimson color running down the bluish glass-like pillar gave me chills.
Tearing my gaze away, I scanned my surroundings, watching the battle unfold. Smoke dominated the air, burning at the back of my throat. My eyes watered, but I ignored the sting, blinking rapidly. The scene was a mess: people were everywhere, shots fired from every direction, shouts following suit. Some familiar forms flew by too fast for me to recognize them. I clenched my fists, searching for the Captain. The fear that gnawed at my insides at the thought of meeting him got overshadowed by the silly wish to undo all that had happened in the past days. I didn't deserve forgiveness. But it didn't stop me from desperately wishing for it.
Noticing two of Kenny's men chasing Conny, as he swirled through the air, avoiding pillars at a crazy maneuver, I realized I couldn't wait any longer. My muscles tensed, and I moved, conscious thought following suit. I flew forward, intercepting their path. My trajectory collided with the first guy, and I met him with swords first. The blades cut through his stomach with no effort, like a kitchen knife went right through a brick of warmed butter on a hot summer day. It didn't even register with me as the guy wailed in pain, his free hand rushing to the gaping wound in his midsection. His eyes glued to my face, pupils dilating, as he choked on the blood climbing up his throat. I pushed him away and turned, landing sideways on the column. Conny got rid of the other guy and faced me. I tried to ignore his confused gaze as I searched for another target.
The blond girl caught my attention then. I remember her. She was Kenny's favorite in the crew, which basically meant that I despised her from the moment we met. She cut through the air, shooting at some target I couldn't see from my angle. But I didn't need to — seeing her was enough. I shot myself off and followed, trying to keep low to the black smoke clinging to the ground. She shot once at someone just out of my sight and smirked. My stomach dropped even before I saw Hange round the corner, dead set on cutting the bitch down. Blondy shot again, but it was not with the bullet that I expected. It was her ODM cord. It cut through the air, and the hook pierced right through Hange's shoulder.
The world froze. Blood splattered, drops of it dancing in the air, as Hange was thrown into the pillar by the cord, infiltrating her body. Like a fucking puppet. She groaned and her whole body strained when her back connected with the solid wall, and she slid down the column, falling through the black smoke. A painful-sounding thud followed, and I felt it with my whole body. My bones rattled, as if it was me who took the hit. The moment replayed in my mind on repeat, and the red clouded my vision as I focused on the blond girl. Fear and hurt that poisoned my blood before evaporated, just as titan blood would, and the heat that spread through my veins felt deliciously bitter. It heated my body as I strained my muscles and jerked up, heading for the girl. She didn't get to run far.
Her command to retreat was cut short as my blade pierced her throat, ending it in a gurgle. I didn't fight the devilish grin that spread through my lips then. Blondy's eyes met mine, and recognition hit. I turned the blade, watching her eyes drown wider — in recognition or pain. I didn't know, neither did I care. I jerked my blades out and pushed the girl away. She fell then, her limp body spraying blood while swinging on her still attached cord, like a messed up pendulum.
I didn't feel even a bite of shame as I dove past her, heading for the ground at full speed. All I could think of was Hange getting shot. Her blood marred the pillar she hit on her way down. The crimson line ran all the way to the ground, where her twisted body lay. My breath hitched upon seeing her, and all I could do was land and rush to her side, my heart going a million miles per second. My thoughts tangled to the point when I couldn't distinguish them from the pain, clenching my chest in its tight grip. I fell on my knees, near Hange, sliding the last few feet on the rough cavern floor. But the hurt didn't register, as I turned Hange's body over, praying to the God, I'd never believed in, for her to be alive.
I placed her head on my knees as I gently applied pressure to her neck, feeling for the pulse. Its quiet but steady rhythm soothed my nerves, as the tightness in my body slowly eased away with each passing beat.
She was alive.
I breathed the sigh of relief, but it was short-lived. I tensed at the sound of nearing ODM, watching familiar figures make their way to me and Hange. I didn't release her though, clinging to her body, as if to a lifebuoy. I brushed her hair away from her face, wiping at the sticking blood on her cheeks with my sleeve, as a few people landed. Murmurs sounded, but I couldn't face my team, guilt taking the better of me.
"Is she alive?" A familiar voice sounded, and I met Armin's gaze. He stood ahead of his team, frowning at us. His clothes were marred with red stains, and there was a deep cut on his shoulder. I nodded, unsure if my voice would comply. The relief was evident on Armin's face, but it got quickly replaced with concern when another person landed just a few feet away from him. I didn't have to look to know who it was. The air changed in mere moments, and my breaths hollowed just when I felt Captain's gaze bore into my profile. It took everything in me not to flinch.
Shock wave ran through my body when our eyes met. Even the undeterred fury in his gaze didn't take away from the warmth claiming my heart. I found myself missing his usual glower when the burning rage in his eyes soaked into my soul. Chills bit at my skin, and the coldness that spread through my body from his gaze hurt more than any physical pain I'd ever experienced.
I stared at the Captain, hoping, willing, wishing and praying for him to say that it was okay, that he understood. Hope was indeed a fool's drug, because no matter the time or experience, I still craved it as much as affection. His eyes cut me deeper than any blade ever could. The enraged expression left bleeding welts on my heart, and the scars on my very consciousness. It was irresistibly dumb of me to expect anything else from someone I'd betrayed, but the allure of forgiveness was so strong, I got drunk on it. And the hangover now hurt like hell.
"She is okay," I croaked, brushing my numb-to-touch fingers through Hange's hair. My eyes never left Captain's, as he studied me with the intensity that of a Military Police officer dealing with a terrorist, holding hostages. Except I was neither a criminal nor taking hostages. I was just a damned fool who took the wrong side and hurt people I loved.
"Step away from her," the Captain growled, and his command reverberated through my body like an electric shock. He didn't trust me with Hange, as if I could ever hurt her. He thought of me as an enemy, and the funny thing was, I would actually blame him if he did otherwise. No matter how much it hurt to admit it.
I lowered my gaze to Hange's face, only to be met with her studying gaze. She lay still on my lap, but her eyes roamed my face, a knowing gleam shining brightly. "I knew I was right," she whispered, her voice practically growing silent at the end. She winced while talking, and her eyes rolled as she gritted her teeth against the pain. I carefully released her and stepped back. The entire team was here now, watching me with wary eyes. Never had I felt more on display than then, stepping away from my hurt friend under the unvoiced threats of my teammates.
I watched bitterly, as Armin and Moblit rushed to pick Hange from the ground. Her head swayed, but her eyelids flattered, and she glanced around dizzily. Captain walked upfront then, pointing one of his blades at me, while Hange was led behind him. I met Captain's furious gaze, and no matter the pain that sliced through my heart, the sickening thrill curled at the bottom of my stomach.
Walls, did it hurt to look at him! All of my mistakes rushed through in a matter of moments, closely followed by happy memories, only related to the time spent in Captain's ranks. And the sting of those left a bitter-sweet aftertaste. The throbbing want and the exhilarating ache. Guilt peppered with a taste of sadistic pleasure, topped by a revolting disgust. Wrongness that I couldn't fix, no matter my wishes. Desire that could only ever bring hurt.
Captain didn't move, the tip of his blade pointed at the middle of my chest. I met his gaze, willing him to read my thoughts, to understand why I'd done what I did. But his face didn't change, and his tone was as aggravated as I'd ever heard it, when he said: "Do you have a death wish?"