AN:

I'd considered Levi's character a hard nut to crack for a while. No matter that I'd spent so many hours trying to get into his head to write this fic, it was a chore every time. I just couldn't understand what really drove him. I couldn't picture him crumbling under the weight of responsibilities, because he was always this solid, reliable pillar, which all other characters leaned on. But I think I get it now. No one can be strong unless they've learned to be so. And that always comes from hardships and trauma.

This chapter and the next one to come were not planned, but I find it necessary to dive a little into the main characters' shared PTSD. I believe that their affection can only be built on each other's pain they can relate to.

So please, bear with me. Spicy scenes are underway.

Also, my initial plan for this fic was to split it in two parts after the climax (still to come), but I think I will just continue writing 2 books into 1 fic. So it will grow into a very long read. I will separate it by the chapter index in the future.

This story will go to the very end of the manga. But don't be afraid of spoilers, because I'm pretty certain I won't make it to the spoilery part until the rest of the anime comes out.

Muse: Can't do enough by Fabvl. Rain or Shine series.

Levi

I've never said this out loud. I've never even let myself form this thought properly. Not until Verity told me everything that had happened to her.

Humanity was beyond saving.

Everything I've done in my adult life held one purpose and one purpose alone. Protect people behind the Walls. Preserve humanity from intinction. Save the lives of as many as I could. But hearing just how cruel human beings could be made me want to eradicate people as a whole. Let the titans pick all of us one by one. We were no better than them. Perhaps even worse.

What was the point of risking our lives, losing comrades, having our limbs torn off or our hearts ripped out — just so monsters like that could continue on striving inside the Walls? The world was fucked up beyond my comprehension. Men and women, boys and girls — betrayed, heartbroken, beaten, raped, murdered, skinned, decapitated… The list could go on and on. And at the same time, there were my people. People who had dedicated their lives to humanity. And we were risking everything we had left outside the Walls every fucking day. And for what?! So that fucking trash like that could hurt others inside the Walls?!

Maybe some people were not worth saving.

Maybe humanity was meant to go extinct.

Maybe I'd dedicated my life to the wrong cause.

I've sacrificed everything to protect such monsters on the inside, with a cost of everything I'd valued most. With a cost of my teammates' lives. Was Petra's life worth those shits who raped children in the Underground? Gunther's, perhaps? Eld? Oluo? No. And nothing could repay the debt they'd payed to this empty cause. Nothing could bring back the dead.

I stared at my desk, fighting the rising impulse to turn it over and crash it into the wall of my antechamber. Rage boiled my blood, and I could barely feel the floor under my feet as I stared into the chipped paint on the tabletop. The neatly stacked reports there called for my attention, but I wouldn't be able to process the bullshit I knew was written in them. Not when my imagination painted me the unwanted imagery of Verity back in the Underground. Not when I could still hear her voice say: "He came to my cell whenever he wished." Not when I wished with all my might that I was the one to end that fucker's life.

My hands trembled with unreleased fury, and I clasped my fists, feeling blood rush away from the strained muscles of my forearms.

There weren't many people I cared about. Not since a long time ago. Not even Hange or Erwin were as close as Farlan and Isabel once were. This "humanity's strongest" journey was a lonely one, no matter that it'd been entirely my choice to make it so. Losing those you cared about hurt too much. I couldn't be sure that I would choose the right action when a loved one was in danger and I had to sacrifice them for the greater good. There wouldn't even be a choice. And I couldn't let that happen. Not when the whole fucking world seemed to lie on my shoulders.

I always had to be the stronger one. The one that others could rely on. I had to make hard decisions and take all the blame for our failures. And I did it, day in and day out. Accepting my role and doing my best to strengthen humanity's chances. There was no one to rely on when everyone relied on me. Even when there was nothing I could do to protect those I loved.

It was never enough.

Humanity's strongest. I couldn't stand that phrase. If I was the best that people could offer as a weapon, then humanity was in deep shit. Because I'd been cracking for a long time now. Crumbling under the weight of the lost lives and responsibilities I held to the ones saved. Everyone expected me to rebuild the Walls if they were ever to fall. Everyone needed me to be the stronghold. And I did all in my powers to do just that. I fought, and I fought. But my strength was never enough to save humanity.

Because people were rotten from the inside.

I only hoped to make the world better. And it never mattered what I had to do to achieve that.

Not anymore. The world was shit, and I had to swim in it, trying not to choke some of it down my throat.

No. Most of humanity was not worth my effort.

And I had just an idea how I could change just that.

Verity

My heart leapt at the sound of the door opening. My thoughts raced as I recalled the previous day, and all the confessions that slipped from my tongue. The lightness I felt was nothing I'd ever experienced. But I couldn't shake Captain's face when I'd finished telling him my story.

I'd seen him smiling and laughing. I'd seen him grieving, sad, angry, annoyed, thoughtful. But I'd never seen the look of such fury twisting his features. The surrounding air practically crackled, and I stopped fighting the shivers rocking my body.

He hated me. He wouldn't even meet my eyes after I finished talking. He'd barked out a command for me to follow him back to the Scout's HQ and just left me in my hospital room, shutting the door with a bang that made me jump. I'd upset him. I'd disappointed him. I was a waste of space.

Hange's head poked through the crack in the opened door, and she grinned at me impishly. I couldn't fight the small responding smile that tugged at the corners of my lips.

"Please, for the love of everything, tell me you have my uniform in that bag," I whined, watching her step in the room, caring a bulky backpack and looking smug.

The lack of rest was still clear in her features, but she looked a million times better than the last time I'd seen her. The bags under her eyes wasn't as stark as before, and she didn't look half-asleep. Her smile didn't seem forced now, and I couldn't be a little happier that I would not leave this place alone.

"Don't you look excited to leave," Hange smirked, dropping her beg at the foot of my bed.

"You have no idea," I sighed loudly, as I spotted the dark green of the scout's cloak picking from the inside of the bag.

"Glad to hear it. You can't imagine how tiresome it's been lately. The more hands we have, the better," she said, taking a sit on the bed I'd happily jumped off from. "How are you feeling?"

I walked behind the screen to change, thinking carefully about my reply. I couldn't tell her about the shadows that followed my every step. She would demand I stay here longer, taking more of those numbing pills and going insane from being locked up inside the four walls. No, I would deal with the ghosts from my past, alone and outside of this place. I needed fresh air. Needed training to help put my mind at ease. And then, hopefully, soon enough, the pain would subside enough to scare the memories away.

You never moved on from grief, you just learned how to move on with it.

"Never been better," I lied, stepping out of the hospital gown and pulling on brown soldier pants. "How's it been on the outside?"

"Crazy. Tiresome. It's getting better though. Now the Scouts are buzzing with the upcoming mission to close up the hole in Wall Maria. But we are not ready just yet."

"We will go on a mission to Shiganshina? Did Eren learn to control his hardening?"

"Better than I could've hoped for." I could hear the smile in her voice as she said that. "The Executioner from Hell is a wild success. If we can close the hole in Wall Maria, we might free the land we'd lost all those years ago."

I stepped out from the screen, buttoning my shirt. Hange's face looked dreamy, as if she could already imagine spreading our lands beyond Wall Rose and maybe even beyond Wall Maria. Exploring the world. I studied her, suddenly uncomfortable with the idea of the open borders. My world'd always been rounded up to either the walls of my cell back in my captor's house, or the ceiling of the Underground, or the Wall Rose. I'd ever been on few missions leaving the safety of it. Just imagining that the world could stretch beyond that of the Wall Maria gave me a vertigo. I couldn't imagine the infinity that was out there. And it scared the shit out of me.

Clearing my throat and trying to hide my discomfort, I touched on the subject that had been bothering me. "How is the Captain doing?"

"Levi?" Hange raised her brows at me, smirking. "Oh, aren't you cute? Miss him already?"

I could feel blood rush to my cheeks as I turned away, shaking my head. Hange laughed at my reaction. "He's busy today, so he couldn't see you off. But I will make sure to mention that you missed him here today."

"Oh dear Walls, please, don't say anything to him!" I said, mortified. Hange just laughed again, watching my expression.

"Relax peaches, I will bring your secret to my grave." She winked, and I frowned at the nickname.

"Peaches?"

"The way you blush reminds me of a peach. Deal with it. Everyone gets a nickname around here," she said matter-of-factly, as she got up from the bed, and reached to grab the empty backpack. "Ready? There's so much I need to fill you in on." She walked to the door and put her hand on the handle. Twisting back to look at me, she said. "There will be a party going to the Underground soon. Queen Historia wants to transfer stray kids to her orphanage. Are you in?"

I choked on my next breath, freezing in place. Going back to the Underground was something I never thought I'd be able to do, but thinking about it now made me feel like facing my fears was the only way to heal. Maybe it was the right thing to do, to help kids who were in a situation I'd been painfully familiar with. And maybe helping others would help me just as much. Yet, on the other hand, it could be a horrible idea. But I had no way of figuring that out that until I tried. So before I knew it, I was nodding at Hange, who looked at me with a mix of pity and worry.

"I take it the Captain told you about my past?"

"He didn't have to. I saw you run off from the Queen's orphanage, and I also saw Levi after you two talked. You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to. Just know this. I will be on your side, no matter what." Her words brought tears to my eyes, but I wouldn't let them spill. I was done crying over my miseries. I was done playing victim. I would not let my past haunt me anymore than it already was.

"I will go to the Underground."

I haven't seen him in days.

It had been at least four days since I got out of the hospital. But this was the first time he'd been in the same space with me.

Captain avoided my gaze, explaining the training exercise we were about to do. Mikasa stood to the front of the team, half-facing us and looking imposing. I didn't have to ask to know what that meant — she'd become second in command once I'd chosen to side with Ke… Sharp pain stubbed at my chest at the memories I desperately tried to avoid. Rubbing a hand over my heart, I tried to focus on Captain's words, shoving away the hurt; ignoring the continues onslaught of guilt.

"You will work in pairs. The objective is to 'kill' as many dummies as possible in the timeframe. Communicate your actions and work as a team. So do you best if you want to survive the next mission. Now, for the pairs…"

Captain voiced the names, framing groups for the exercise. I was ready for practically anything, given how the team reacted to my come back. There were no cheerful smiles or warm hugs. No congratulations on recovery or even simple words of welcome. Just blank stares and unnerving glances. Only Mikasa came by, clasping my shoulder for a moment, before proceeding to the front of the team.

I expected little when I came down for training this morning. But bland disregard hurt, no matter my already low expectations. Sasha and Connie sent side glances at me. Armin met my eyes once, looking concerned and somewhat curious. Jean's angered stare I could feel with the back of my head. He seemed to take the situation the worse out of everybody. Even Mikasa didn't blame me much, even though I had no chance to talk to her and explain myself. But what hurt most was Eren's unimpressed look.

It wasn't blatant disregard, or a hurt look of someone trying to act cool. No, it was rather that I didn't exist. As if he looked at an empty spot, ignoring me as he would a stack of stones. I knew I betrayed them just as much as I did the Captain, but seeing their reactions sent me into a downward spiral of self-blame. I was insignificant. So small, an ant could've stomped on me, and so irrelevant it wouldn't even disturb its day.

I watched the back of everyone's heads, as they paired with each other, when called. Sasha approached Armin right away, and they smiled kindly at each other. Eren stomped toward Conny, who laughed half-heartedly, rubbing at the back of his neck. Mikasa faced the Captain, saying something that made him frown, as he replied. And Jean turned toward me, glaring. I met his eyes, raising my chin just as high as he held his. I would not cower at the sight of the consequences of my own actions. I had to reconnect with the team. If not for my survival, then for theirs.

Jean didn't say a word as he looked away, clasping his ODM gear. I quickly wondered, why was he the one acting this way? I would expect Mikasa to react like this. Maybe even Armin. But Jean? He fought Eren every step of the way. Complained about him and tried to make himself look bigger than the rest of us. But now, all of a sudden, he was acting defensive of the team. Was he expecting me to turn to the other side yet again? Even when there was no side to turn to, unless titans would decide to recruit novices. In which case, I was pretty certain I wouldn't fit the qualifications, even if I wished to.

I stepped closer to Jean, eyeing him from the corner of my eye, as the Captain gave instructions. When his command sounded, I focused on the only thing that had brought me comfort in the past years. Flying.

The wind rushed around me, whistling in my ears. The trees of the training woods flew by as I charged through, blind to anything but the target in mind. Two dummies came into sight, their limbs swayed by the attached ropes, pulled by someone from the team. Following the routine, drilled into my head with hours upon hours of training, I swirled around the first one, avoiding the grab of the dummy's hand. I expected Jean to follow my lead, as I twisted in the air, sending my hooks into the back of the titan's neck. But, just when I was about to land, a shadow danced on my periphery. As I glanced up, I saw Jean speed toward the dummy's neck from the different angle. I hesitated, freezing in the air for a few decisive moments. Long enough not to have time to react and change the direction I was going for.

The soothing whizz of the ODM suddenly sounded too loud to my ears, as the world shifted to the side, when I readied to meet the titan's body with my feet. Jean didn't stop, speeding toward his goal and using too much of the gas, as he twisted in the similar manner. The hit was unavoidable. I could've told this even if I wasn't the one flying right into another scout's path.

My shoulder cracked from the impact as I crashed into Jean from the side, sending us flying into the closest tree. In the mess of limbs and cords, there was no one who could stop us from hitting the rough bark. The thud took the air out of my lungs, and Jean swore under his breath, as we clashed and fought each other, hoping to disconnect our gears.

I lost grasp on one of my swords in the hustle, shoving away at Jean with all my might. It helped somewhat, as I swung myself off the closest tree. Barely fast enough to lighten my fall, and not crack any bones. My ass skirted over the underbrush for a moment, before I was sent flying by the impulse I'd gained during the fall. My cords squealed, struggling to stifle my roll on the ground, but the hook was not impaled deep enough, so I tracked at least a dozen feet with my face to the ground. If it wasn't for my arms covering my head, I would've probably removed the skin from half of my face.

Just when my roll stopped, I fell onto the ground, defeated and hurting, panting. It didn't take long for the others to reach us, and my insides churned at the sound of the approaching ODM. I could hear the curses that Jean was sending my way when I forced myself off the ground and to my feet. Despite my hopes, the Captain reached me first. He landed on the ground near me, graceful as a swan. It stung just to imagine how much of an uncoordinated fool I'd looked just seconds ago. His usual scowl was purposefully unemotional. I couldn't tell if he was concerned about my nose-dive or angry at my lack of competence.

His eyes skimmed me coolly as I brushed away the leaves and dirt from my uniform. Having him so close and yet so irritated did unpleasant things to my chest. I tried to ignore the rapid speeding of my heart, as the Captain finished his eye-study of me and tsked loudly. The corners of his lips tugged down, his scowl deepening in unsatisfaction, as he turned away to search for Jean somewhere along the underbrush.

"We had a miscommunication," I mumbled under my breath, unable to stay silent any longer. The Captain's gaze snapped to me, and his stern eyes bore into my face. In the past, I would've avoided his gaze. I would've cowered under the weight of his presence, chastising myself for the weakness I couldn't fight. But now I just stared back at him, more interested than unnerved at his reaction. His eyes dipped down to my mouth for a moment, before continuing their path along my body. I shivered from his gaze, as if he could see right through my clothes.

"You are lucky you didn't break anything," he said once his eyes returned to my face. He didn't have to say how stupid the whole situation had been. I knew it just as well as he did.

Trust was not easily gained.

And I'd effectively lost that of my team.

—

"How the fuck was it my fault?" Jean yelled, shoving at Armin and Conny that tried to pull him away from me. "You crashed into me, for god's sake. It's not like I can see with the back of my head!"

I bit my lip, fighting off the anger that swirled under my skin like a living being. I shouldn't yell back, shouldn't react in any matter. It would only lead to more arguing and more issues within the team. I had to be the bigger person here.

"Did you decide to go picking us one by one and painting it as an accident? Is that what those slugs ordered you to do this time?" He bit out, his face twisted in fury. I held my breath so as not to speak, but his words hurt more than I wanted to admit. They didn't trust me. Not anymore. "I have no fucking idea what you are doing back on the team, but it would be better for everyone if you left once and for all. Or what is it? Is there no one to turn to now that Kenny is dead?"

My vision went dark. Jean's words kept echoing in my head, followed by memories of Kenny's lifeless body, blood dripping down his chin. Something in me snapped, and my body moved on its own against my better judgement. I faced Jean, who was being pulled back by shouting Armin. But I couldn't hear his words, couldn't hear Conny scream, or even Mikasa, as she ran in our direction. I couldn't think of anything but that dripping blood, and those cruel words that kept ringing in my ears.

I rushed forward, ducking under Conny's arm as he tried to stop my approach. I pushed Armin away, not caring if I'd used too much strength or not. I faced Jean head on, my hands curled into fists and itching for a contact. I stared him right in the eye, seeing fury mix with a tinge of fear behind his irises. "Shut your mouth," I growled, fighting my instincts to punch him. "Don't say another word about Kenny."

"Or what? Gonna punch me?" Jean smirked, straightening to his full height. He towered over, but I didn't let myself feel intimidated. Strength didn't come solely from the way one was built. And my strength lay in surviving.

"Hey," Mikasa jumped between us, pushing us both to the sides. "What the hell are you doing?"

I stumbled back from the force of her shove, and looked away, unable to face her blaming stare. The fact was, I didn't know what I was doing. I felt broken and out of place here. Just like in the beginning, when I'd just joined the Survey Corps. The difference was, though, that the last time I had a clear goal in mind and someone who stood behind me, covering my back. Or at least, I believed so back then.

Now, the only things that were left were scars and memories that could only ever bring more pain.

And I had to face them, no matter how much I would prefer not to.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Captain's angered voice made me jump in place. I forced my eyes away from the gates to the Underground and swirled around to face him. He regarded me coolly and tsked in understanding. "I'm gonna smother her…" He sighed and pulled a hand through his hair.

"It was me who's decided to come. Hange has nothing to do with it." I protested, but the glare he sent me made me choke on the rest of the words. I tore my eyes away from him and looked at the forming squad near the gates. Historia stood among the soldiers, giving orders and arranging people. But my gaze shifted behind her, at the tall gates to hell, for once left ajar. I gulped, fighting the shiver running up my hands and arms.

"You're not going there," Captain grabbed my arm and jerked me to the side, pulling away from the forming crowd of soldiers.

"Yes, I am," I hissed, fighting his grip. He ignored all my attempts to rip my arm free. "I have to… It's… Stop!" I screamed, and my voice broke at the end, rising to a high pitch. The Captain froze but didn't let go of my arm and didn't turn to look at me. His shoulders moved in a deep breath. "I'm no longer that little girl in need of saving. I must face this, otherwise I might never…"

"Never - what?" He asked in a deep, rough voice, his grip on my forearm tightening.

"Otherwise, I might never be able to let him go," I didn't have to clarify. I knew the Captain would understand.

He hesitated before turning to face me. His eyes met mine, and he held my stubborn stare for a few moments, before lifting fingers one by one from my jacket and walking around me back to the other soldiers.

I stared at his retreating back, unsure of how I felt about him letting me do this.

Unsure whether I wanted to do this after all.

The darkness enveloped me. Stale air smelled faintly of mold, and was heavy to breathe in. Dust flakes flew in the corridor, spiralling down into the Underground. I barely remember this road. I had only taken it twice. In and out. Few people came back into the Capital after travelling down this path. But neither were there many who came back here, after escaping the clenches of the Underground.

By the time we reached the lower gates, I was panting. Struggling to control my breathing, I had to count to five in my head on each inhale and exhale, forcing the air down my throat. It was darker here than I remembered. The lamps hanging around the cave did nothing to traverse it. The cracked pavement made me trip every few feet, and my shoes slipped on the muddy puddles.

The squad was way too big for such a small mission. We really didn't need that many people, but having a queen among us required for additional protection. No matter that she was as much of a soldier as anyone in this group.

She walked ahead, occasionally having disputes with one of her personal guards, who attempted to cover her with his back each step of the way. We tracked a few blocks down the main crossroad. The scenery was painfully familiar, yet not at the same time. It was like walking down a memory lane. I could clearly recognise the place. The way the buildings grew thicker the higher they went, almost touching with their windows. The way the street lamps hung low, the pillars barely holding on with tape and ropes. The look on passersby's faces — exhaustion and desperation, hunger and illness. They barely payed any attention to us walking down the street, probably thinking it was just another raid on one of the criminals who stepped too far off the line.

It was all familiar, but it wasn't the same. Houses withered down with age— grime and dirt covered the walls of the buildings. The smell of rotting vegetables and rats reminded me of my cell. I took a glance down the side street that led to where my captor's house stood. I knew I wouldn't be able to see it from where we walked, but I looked anyway. My heart clenched in fear and anticipation. Would I be terrified to see it still standing? Or would I feel ecstatic to see it crushed to the ground? Would seeing it bring back the memories I tried so hard to suppress? Would it hurt?

"Keep walking," Captain's command returned me to reality, and I realised I'd been standing still, staring into an empty half-lid street, which curved like a snake around the buildings. I nodded, not meeting his gaze, and sped up, catching up to the rest of the group. Captain's footsteps suddenly sounded too loud, his anger palpable even in his stride.

A few more blocks and we finally made it to our target. Historia shoved away the protective hands of her guards, as she stepped onto the porch of a crooked two-story house. She held up her hand to knock, but the door opened before she could do that. An old woman stood there, terrified by the looks of it. She was thin and bony, looking as though she had one foot in the grave already. She looked at Historia, and then studied the small army that stood behind her. Historia's guards jumped onto the porch right behind her, clenching their weapons. Old woman regarded them with growing indifference and focused on Historia once again.

"Are you here for the kids?" She asked, her voice steady despite the frightening situation. The queen nodded, and the woman chewed on her cheek for a moment before stepping aside and gesturing for her to enter. Once she did, the guards moved to follow, but the granny threw up her hand, stopping them. "Just her. You will scare them to shits."

"No fucking way she is going inside alone!" Roared the first guard. Historia twisted to look at him, anger burning in her eyes.

"I am capable of protecting myself, thank you very much. But even so, it's an orphanage! What do you plan on protecting me from? A group of five-year-olds?" Her tone was irritated, but the guards didn't flinch.

"You are not going inside alone! Don't even think about!"

"Is this how you treat your queen?" She hissed back at the guard, and that did it, he jerked his hand back from her and squared his shoulders, but kept silent. Historia's eyes travelled the group before stopping on me. She held my gaze for a moment before saying: "Verity will come with me. Is it okay?" She aimed the last question and the old lady, who studied and finally nodded.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and stepped onto the porch. Historia turned away from the guards and went inside the house, not waiting for me to join her. The house looked as old as that granny did. The flooring had missing patches of wood, and some walls had holes in them. In the corner of the small living room stood a metal basing, collecting water, that dripped slowly from the ceiling. The furniture was scarce. A table stood in the middle of the room, and a fireplace was carved into the side wall. The smoke lay heavy in the air, but the windows were shot and taped, to save the warmth. My throat parched at the smoke as we walked through the living room, following the old lady.

She headed to the staircase, but instead of going up, she halted and cleaned her throat. "Get down here, we have guests!" she yelled, and my ears rang from the loudness. A few moments later, quiet footsteps sounded, and a small blond girl with short curly hair in a dirty grey dress came down the stairs. Her eyes were big and scared, but once she saw us standing near the staircase, she visibly relaxed and speeded down. "Where are the others?" The old lady asked, patting the girl on the head. Instead of answering, she looked at Historia and me questingly.

"We are here to help you and the others. We are going to take you all to a new house, a much better one." Historia said, smiling at the girl. But instead of sharing the queen's enthusiasm, the girls flinched away, as though burned. Her eyes filled with tears, and she took a hold of granny's hand, sobbing.

"No, please don't sell us, granny! We will be better! Please!" She cried, pulling on the lady's hand. My eyes burned, and I watched the look of pure shock cross Historia's face.

"No. That's not what we are…" She started, but I stepped forward and caught her gaze, waiting for her approval for me to speak. She nodded, and I walked around the granny and kneeled near the sobbing girl.

"My name is Verity. What's yours?"

"Leila," the girl replied after a moment.

"Leila, look at me. I grew up here," I said, catching her gaze and holding it. "I was once just the same as you. But one good person helped me, when I was your age. And now here I am, trying to do the same. Just as he saved my life once, I want to save yours. See," I gestured at my uniform. "I'm a Scout now, and I devoted my life to protecting people. So now, I want to protect you. Would you allow me to do that?"

Reluctantly, the girl nodded, rubbing the tears from her eyes. "I believe you."

It was still there. More weathered down and less taken care of, but standing.

I wanted to rush over and push the walls until they crumbled. I wanted to scream until my voice shattered all the glass windows. I wanted to slash at the door that I'd scratched at with my fingernails when I was a child, hoping I could rip a hole through the wood and escape. As if there was anywhere I could've escaped.

I wanted to burn this wretched place to embers. I wanted not to be haunted by the memories.

But it was not my memories I was against now. Warm light streamed out of the windows into the dark trashy street. I stared into the shade, cast by the outline of the half-shot curtains near the entrance. The house of my nightmares. The place of horrors. And it was now illuminating this warm, welcoming light, as if it had no memories of what had transpired within.

My throat dried, and my hands shook, but I kept staring into that shade. My whole life was nothing but cold and lonely. Yet this light was nothing like what I had ever experienced. Warm, soft, caring… The soft child's laughter sounded from the inside, and my gaze snapped up to the windowsill.

It really wasn't the house of my nightmares. It was someone's home now. A place to create memories, and not suffer from terrors. It was neither my cell nor my prison.

And I couldn't fight the bitterness that this thought had caused me. I was always the one to get hurt. The one to get hit and run. The one to punch out of pure boredom, and rape out of convenience. I was a waste of space, my role easily taken over by a human-sized doll. But I endured. Never once did I crumble under the pressure. In the darkest of nights, I would still sit on this small porch, staring into the dark stains in the cave ceiling, and vouge that I would not give up. Even when it was a blatant lie, it would still get me going. At least for one more day. At least until I had to leave those cuts on my forearms just to reassure myself that I was not ready to give up. I was not ready to lose.

Too many, those cuts would just act as a reminder of weakness. But I saw them differently. They were not the signs of my lowest low, but rather the battle scars I wore to prove my surviving skills. It didn't stop me from feeling ashamed of them, though, but I'd never regretted them. I could not regret something that'd made me stronger.

So I stood there watching the shade cast by the curtains until the light inside the house went out completely. Until the life inside scattered to a pause. Until I couldn't ignore the rising pain in the middle of my chest.

Levi

She stood there, like a pedestal. I couldn't leave her, no matter how hard my consciousness demanded so. I had to stay by her side. Even if she was falling apart. I had to be there to pick up the pieces. Even if she didn't want me to.

I could see her lean on the wall of the adjacent building, her form rigid, while I stood just a dozen of feet away, watching her from the darkness of the alleyway. Verity had reacted to the Underground better than I thought she would, but I could still see the strain it made on her mind. She had helped with talking the kids out to join the rescue team. She'd even survived Historia being queenly. But I could see something within her shatter when she'd noticed the passageway to her old house hours back. And I knew then that she would not leave until she faced it.

I could relate to those feelings to some degree. I didn't have one specific house that I blamed all my misfortunes on. But I would be lying miserably if I said that there was not a single important place to me in the whole Underground. I could still vaguely remember how Farlan had tried to organise an ambush on me in the alleyway near the biggest gaming house at the Underground. I would be spilling nonsense if I said that I protected Isabel just out of pure desire to get rid of the unwanted guests back in my space. No. There was always more to what was blatantly obvious.

Verity took one step toward the house, as if she planned to knock on the door, and ask herself in. I held my breath as she neared the entrance, getting ready to interject if needed, when a loud bang sounded. Verity jumped in place, uncharacteristically so. She swirled around, her wild gaze searching for the culprit. Her hands flared, and I could detect a tremble in her limbs as she clasped her arms in a protective lock around her head, slowly sinking down to her knees.

I watched as she fell to the ground like a broken shell of a Verity I knew.

I watched as she crawled away from the house, as if pursued by the most horrendous of dreams.

I watched as she came undone near the porch of the house she'd grown up in.

And I could practically hear my heart cracking upon witnessing it.