"We missed this much?" Jo'on aksed, "Yeah, but was lot's of screaming, I don't know how you didn't wake up before." Shakara commented, "I didn't wake up because I just thought, oh they're training, Jo'on didn't wake up because she had her head under the pillow." Shion clarified, "I didn't! ...Did I?" Jo'on asked for confirmation, "You did." Shion confirmed, "Anyways, let's get a move on so we can move back to the actual story!" Zettai lamented.
KAISERNEKO: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, Toei Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release.
(cut to Bardock confronting Zarbon, Dodoria, and Freeza in space outside planet Vegeta)
Tauira facepalmed "This moment again?" She asked, "It probably starts now." Hatsu suggested.
NARRATOR: A familiar scene plays before you. (Thinner: Too Familiar.) A lone renegade stands at the precipice of global annihilation. The grim punctuation to his warrior race.
FREEZA: You know, the funny thing is, Bardock, even if you had seen this coming, there's nothing you could have done about it. (begins charging a Supernova from his finger)
"They're doing this?" Shakara asked.
BARDOCK: You don't... You have no goddamned idea.
"They're definitely doing this." Thinner agreed.
ZARBON: Mmm, and even if you told every single Saiyan, none of them would have even believed you.
"It's being puhed a little too much actually." Dreamiv commented.
BARDOCK: Just...please stop talking.
DODORIA: And you never even got a chance to say goodbye to your son.
"How would he know?" Paint asked.
BARDOCK: (thinking) I have one of those? *gasps* Oh, God, I have two of those!
"The right question is why doesn't he know THAT?" Oracle corrected, "Are there going to be a lot of moments like this?" Jo'on asked, "Yes." Almost everyone replied.
FREEZA: Consider this downsizing on a global scale! (Shion: Wait, what?) You can pick up your unemployment checks wherever you end up. (Bardock charges up an energy blast)
BARDOCK: GO TO HELL! (throws the energy blast at Freeza)
FREEZA: See, that was my first guess. (fires the Supernova, which absorbs Bardock's blast)
"EEHH!?" Shion and Jo'on yelled.
BARDOCK: (thinking as multiple soldiers scream in terror) Ah, crapbaskets. (gets engulfed by Freeza's Supernova)
"No! Wait- NO! Just like that!?" Jo'on questioned, "Yes." Avaritia confirmed.
NARRATOR: And so, with a macabre flash of blinding light, the howling laughter of a blood-parched tyrant echoing through his mind, so ends the tragic fate of Bardock. (Freeza's Supernova collides with Planet Vegeta, causing it to explode into nothingness) (Nightmare King: Oh my Goodness.../ Dreamiv: You said it...)...Or so you'd think, if you didn't know a thing about merchandising! (Hatsu: Is that the whole reason this exists!?)Hit it!
("DragonBall Z Abridged: Episode of Bardock" logo appears on the screen as "Time Warp (Rocky Horror Picture Show)" by Richard O'Brien plays in the background)
BARDOCK: Uah! (wakes up and finds himself on a bed) (Shiva Samba: He actually survived./ Starrow: We might have underestimated him.) (thinking)Am I in a bed? Does hell have beds? (Tauira: So he's sensible enough to know he would go to hell./ Zettai-Anomaly-Nezumi: You'd be surprised.)You'd think they'd have beds of spikes. Or spiders. Or spiky spiders. ...Spikers. (Shion: What would a "Spiker" even look like?/ Oracle: Loading hologra-/ Shion: That wasn't supposed to be your cue!) (gets up and looks outside a window) Wait, this looks like Planet Vegeta. Only...even shittier. Which is and isn't weird, considering the last time I saw it, it was blowing up.
DR. DRAY: Hi-ho!
"Eek!" Nezumi and Zettai let out, "I'm still wondering how you two can be both intimidating and adorable at the same time..." Virus commented, "ZIP IT!" They exclaimed.
BARDOCK: (turns his head around) Uggh!
"Agreed! He looks like a slug!" Jo'on lamented, "Eh." Hatsu laughed knowing the title of one of the movies.
DR. DRAY: We found you unconscious and near-death in a valley not too far from here. (Lemus: He turned to ashes!) We helped bring you back to health with our magical healing S.P.U.G..
BARDOCK/Everyone: Ugh!
DR. DRAY: Super Polymorphic Unleashing Gel. (Avaritia: Slightly better.../ Jo'on: It isn't! Not at all!) We brought you to our town on our pleasant, serene little planet. My name is Dray. And this is my child Twopock. Say hi-ho, Twopock.
TWOPOCK: Hi-ho!
BARDOCK: Ugh!
"Considering Bardock's naked, that's even more disgusting than S.P.U.G.!" Shion exclaimed, "You say that, but you've eaten Nezumi's cooking." Zettai reminded, "Yes, it looks disgusting, but are you really telling me you think it tastes like it looks?" Shion countered, "You win this one." Zettai conceeded, "I don't know how to feel about this." Nezumi commented.
TWOPOCK: Where are you from?
BARDOCK: There is nothing about this whole scenario that doesn't make me so disgusted I want to violently vomit out my own internal organs. (Nightmare King: He put it into words./ Takama: I didn't think it was possible.) I despise you both so intensely that I can't tell if my vision is blurry from my near-death experience or from my unforgiving rage. If allowed, once I am back to full health, I will gut you with an honest-to-god smile on my face, and then proceed to paint the home I build with your bodies with your very blood.
"Why does that describe exactly what I'm feeling?" Shakara asked no one in particular, "Because you've got the most severe case of schizophrenia in the whole Kingdom?" Thinner questioned, "Oh right..." Shakara remembered, "How do you keep forgetting?" Avaritia asked.
DR. DRAY: You hear that, Twopock? You made a friend.
TWOPOCK: YAAAAAY!
"Why did you create these?" Paint asked Shiva Samba, "Honestly I completely forgot about their existance." The Goddess admitted.
(explosion)
DR. DRAY: That came from my village!
"A relative of Goku's arrives and chaos starts happening, coincidence?" Tauira asked, "I'd be more surprised if it was." Takama replied.
(cut to inside the village with two soldiers destroying the villager's homes)
TOOBI: Hello there, inhabitants of Planet Plant. (Jo'on: That's sooo imaginative./ Shion: I would like to remind you that you had the idea to call our possession spell card "Perfect Possession"./ Paint: Still more imaginative than Fridge./ Everyone else: Who!?) We are here on a diplomatic mission on behalf of your new emperor, Lord Chilled. (Lemus: Chilled?/ Paint: Imagination.) Pamphlets will be passed around to introduce you to your new, exciting lives as slaves to his Almighty Horniness.
*Crack.* Everyone jumped when they heard that noise come from Shakara, Tauira and Nezumi, while Oracle started letting out a static noise, "...Guys? Are you okay?" Dreamiv asked, "I think they went into shock to avoid permanent damage from 'his Almighty Horniness', we should probably leave them to it." Paint told her husband.
BARDOCK: Really? This is how you intimidate a village? Blow up a house or two? (Nightmare King: He's right, and that worries me.) I don't even think you kill anyone with those peashooters. Speaking of which, what models are those? They look ancient.
"Ancient... That... Probably means nothing." Avaritia said, "Really?" Starrow asked her wife.
KAYABIRA: Hey, we were gonna kill one of the sick ones if they didn't comply.
"HAh! The SICK ones! Oh my God that's hilarious!" Jo'on laughed before getting smaked across the face, "What did I tell you!?" Shakara questioned, "...Don't make fun of people who don't deserve it..." Jo'on replied, "Good!" Shakara stated.
BARDOCK: Oh, kill one of the sick ones. What are you gonna do next? Waterboard the elderly?
KAYABIRA: Look, buddy. We didn't come here to be judged by you. (Virus: But you're so judgeable!) (fires a blast at Bardock, who evades it and punches him hard in the stomach)
TOOBI:: Holy- (Bardock kicks him in the face, sending him to flying into a wall)
BARDOCK: Pfft. Amateurs.
"That was pathetic." Nezumi commented, "Incredibly so." Lemus added.
VILLAGER: Hooray! Everyone give praise to our new violent savior!
(the villagers come out of hiding and start approaching Bardock)
VILLAGERS: (singing "Welcome Christmas" from "How the Grinch Stole Christmas") Bahoo dores bahoo dores...
"No!" Everyone exclaimed.
BARDOCK: (extends his hand to stop the villagers' singing) NO! None of that! Shame on you! (Shiva Samba: Yes! All of them!) (flies away and lands near a cave) Who needs villagers, with their soft beds and S.P.U.G.? Rocks are soft enough to sleep on, right? (Zettai: Okay, I hated them too, but there's still wrong and right choices.) (sits on a rocks) ...I've made a terrible mistake.
"He realizes it." Tauira stated, "That's already more than what some people can say." Shakara added.
(cut to a spaceship in outer space)
SOLDIER: Lord Chilled! (Thinner: So we'll see this Chilled guy.) The vital sensors in the blasters of the two scouts you just sent-
CHILLED: Shshshshshshsh... (pause)(Zettai-Shiva Samba-Jo'on: *Abrupt Laughter.*/ Shakara: I've heard more ridiculous voices.) Continue.
SOLDIER: Have ceased transmission. We believe they're dead!
"The vital sensors stopped working so you believe they're dead? What's the other option?" Oracle asked, "They just stopped working?" Takama suggested, "Sh*t Technology." Oracle responded.
CHILLED: *gasp* Outraaageous! In honor of their deaths, my men shall now and forevermore be given the names of fruits! (Nightmare King: What did he say?) Pineapple! Bring us to Planet Plant!
SOLDIER: ...So am I Pineapple?
"They're actually doing this?" Virus asked for confirmation.
CHILLED: YES!
"Are we completely sure they can't hear us?" Shion asked, "70%" Hatsu replied.
(Chilled's spaceship is seen flying into Planet Plant. Cut to Bardock inside the cave)
BARDOCK: (thinking) All right, I think I might have figured this out. This looks like a younger Planet Vegeta. Those two guys were using older models. Maybe... This is the- (Anomaly: Past?)
TWOPOCK: Hi-ho!
BARDOCK: Aaand I lost my train of thought.
"And I'm starting to see how this guy is related to Goku." Starrow said, "You didn't see it first?" Avaritia asked "Also, you stopped going pirate for a while." She added, "There was Raditz and I stopped 'going pirate' cause I'm getting used to the stupidity." Starrow explained.
TWOPOCK: Hello, violent savior. (Lemus: I wouldn't want to be known as that, but I can't really talk for Bardock.) I have brought you bread and fruit.
BARDOCK: I don't want your bread, or your fruit. But leave the basket.
"I don't need any of your garbage! But leave it anyways!" Zettai mocked, "That was a good one!" Jo'on complimented, "You two are getting along a little too well and it's scaring me..." Shion commented.
TWOPOCK: But violent savior-
BARDOCK: LEAVE THE BASKET! (Nezumi: Touchy.) (Twopock leaves the basket on the floor and runs off crying)(thinking) I swear to God I'm gonna eat his entire race. (Shakara: I can see that happening./ Takama: Should this be ironic considering who's talking?) (cut him doing one-armed pushups inside the cave on a rainy day as Twopock places another basket of food on the ground and runs off with the empty basket) Dammit, I filled up on bread!
"He didn't eat the fruit?" Shion asked, "Reminds me of someone?" Paint commented as she looked at Shakara.
(cut to Twopock bringing another basket of food to Bardock)
TWOPOCK: Here you are, violent savior. I have brought you more food that you detest.
BARDOCK: (takes a bread from the basket) Seriously, kid. If you don't start bringing me meat, I am literally gonna shit bricks. (Anomaly: Come to think of it, we haven't seen animals there at all./ Virus: Or plants.../ Tauira: That's... Really weird...) (Twopock grunts and drops something else near the basket) That is a rock!
(cut to Dr. Dray healing a villager (Rizza) in another busy day at the village)
RIZZA: Thank you, Dr. Dray. Your S.P.U.G. has cured my syphilis.
"Oh they have that too..." Oracle comments, "You sound displeased" Takama noted, "Think about it." Oracle replied, leaving everyone except her husband and son to realize that she's basically married to bleach... And that she most likely ends up swallowing said bleach whenever they kiss.
DR. DRAY: You are welcome, Rizza.
RIZZA: Well, back to what I was doing before.
"And I hate you." Jo'on stated.
DR. DRAY: Oh, you are just incorrigible.
(cut to a bunch of cloaked figures approaching the village)
PAPAYA: Hello. We are the Space Police.
AICE CUBE: (off-screen) Man, f**k the police!
"And he believes them." Lemus underlined, "Are you surprised?" Starrow asked, "No, it's just stupid." Lemus clarified.
DR. DRAY: Not now, Aice Cube!
"Is it Frieza's son?" Avaritia asked, "Because his name is Aice Cube?" Shion asked, "Because he's an As*hole." Avaritia corrected.
PAPAYA: We are here to catch evil space criminals and various other ne'er-do-wells.
DR. DRAY: I can assure you that we have already exiled Khris of the clan Brown from our planet.
"One of them was revolting enough to get them to banish him." Virus realized, "I know right? Unless I was told directly, I wouldn't believe it." Nezumi admitted.
CHILLED: We are looking for the man who assassinated two emissaries from the Frost Planet.
"Okay, maybe Frieza's son because his name is Aice Cube." Avaritia relented.
DR. DRAY: You mean the violent savior?
"Don't start..." Nightmare King begged.
VILLAGER: All hail the violent savior!
VILLAGERS: (once again singing "Welcome Christmas" from "How the Grinch Stole Christmas") Bahoo dores...
"Shut up!" Everyone exclaimed.
CHILLED: NO! None of that! (Hatsu: Damn right! It sucks!) Shame on you! I wish to meet this man so that I may reward him!
DR. DRAY: I thought you said you wanted to arrest him.
CHILLED: I CHANGE MY MIND A LOT! (Thinner: Explains the fruits./ Zettai: I wonder if it will explain anything else.) (pause) Execute them.
(shows Twopock's horrified expression as Chilled's soldiers attack the villagers off-screen. Cut to Bardock outside the cave)
BARDOCK: Sweet. Back to a hundred percent. I'd go out and eat that whole village right now if I hadn't already filled up on rocks.
"Rocks?" Shion asked, "Didn't expect you to be picky." Jo'on commented, "I never ate rocks!" Shion exclaimed.
TWOPOCK: (runs up to Bardock) Violent savior! My village needs you!
BARDOCK: Ah, Space Christ, what now?
"That a thing?" Avaritia asked, "No" Shiva Samba replied.
TWOPOCK: Our people are under assault by villains from another planet.
BARDOCK: Why is this place so popular?
TWOPOCK: You don't understand. This could be the extinction of the entire Saiyan race!
A collective groan came from the audience, "...I don't want to believe it, but it makes so much sense..." Shakara lamented.
BARDOCK: (pauses and looks at Twopock) What?
TWOPOCK: My people, the Saiyans!
BARDOCK: Oh, no... But if you're Saiyans. And those old-ass lookin' blasters. And this looks like Planet Vege- (explosion) Dammit! There it goes again! (Dreamiv: He truly he's Goku's father.) (kicks Twopock) Hell with this. (takes his headband and flies off)
TWOPOCK: I am now bearing your child. (Thinner: And he truly is Goku's mother!/ Takama: Yes! We found her!) YAAAAAAAYY-
(cut to Chilled and his soldiers destroying the village)
CHILLED: That's right! Continue to blow up the houses! We will avenge my men and take control of this planet! Also we want your healing medicine.
DR. DRAY: (backs up and hides his S.P.U.G.) How did you hear about our S.P.U.G.?
"It's still disgusting!" Jo'on repeated.
CHILLED: Because of Raisins! ...Raisin is my intel guy.
"We get it! You're proud of the fruit system!" Shiva Samba exclaimed.
PAPAYA: Now give us your S.P.U.G. or we'll beat it out of ya.
CHILLED: (holds up a video camera) And I'll record the whole thing!
"You better not!" Shion begged.
(Dr. Dray closes his eyes in fear when Bardock arrives and kicks one soldier in the face and grabs the other one's neck and snaps it off-screen)
BARDOCK: (drops the soldier on the ground) I'm sorry I had to step in, but that was just getting obscene.
"Yeah, thank you..." Shion brethed a sigh of relief.
CHILLED: So you must be the one who killed my men. (removes his hood and reveals his face)
BARDOCK: (thinking) Freeza?!(Tauira: No! STOP!) (sees the resemblance) Freeza!(out loud) FREEEEZAAAA!
(Bardock charges at Chilled and punches him, knocking his cloak away. Chilled growls and retaliates by kicking Bardock, knocking him face-down to the ground)
"Oh who could have seen this coming?" Shakara said with sarcasm.
CHILLED: (as Bardock struggles to get up) You wish to wrestle with the great Lord Chilled? Yet you have not brought your own leotard?! (plants Bardock's face on the ground with his foot) Worthless whelp! You make a mockery of Wrestle Wednesdays! You see, they both start with "W"s! It's alliteration.
"This guy... This guy is f*cking retarded..." Jo'on summarized.
BARDOCK: (muffled) Freeza! Freeza! *muffled growling noises*
CHILLED: I don't know who this "Freeza" is, but he sounds like a classy lady!
"Yeah... Yeah okay..." Nezumi facepalmed.
DR. DRAY: (runs up to help Bardock) Release our violent sav- (Chilled bitch-slaps him with his tail) Oh, God!
CHILLED: These people seem to have a sincere affection for you. What is your secret?
BARDOCK: (muffled) Maybe because I don't look like a giant purple and orange tampon.
"You know, he does look like a giant purple and orange tampon!" Lemus agreed.
CHILLED: (quickly) I have lost interest! (kicks Bardock away) And now...YOUUUU DIIIIIIIE! (starts charging up an energy blast)
TWOPOCK: (tearfully running up to Bardock) I must protect the father of my unborn child!
CHILLED: Congratulations... It's a corpse! (fires a shockwave that knocks Twopock away)
Everyone thinks back to the events of the previous episodes, "Clearly not." Starrow commented.
TWOPOCK: (collides with a wall and starts falling down) Ow ow. Ow. Ow. (hits the ground) Owww.
DR. DRAY: No, Twopock! Damn you...big...small guy!
CHILLED: And now, to finish off the Saiyan race!
BARDOCK: (thinking) Wait, hold on... Now I remember what I was thinking about. They call themselves Saiyans... And the freakin' blasters... And Planet Vegeta... And his name is Chilled... And... And... (out loud to Chilled) Hey! You! What year is it?
"He's figured it out!" Anomaly cheered.
CHILLED: 2222.
BARDOCK: B.C. or A.D.?
CHILLED: The hell are those?
BARDOCK: (deadpan) I'm in the f***ing past. Of all the STUPID! (slams his head on the ground, causing lightning to erupt)(Takama: What was that?) ASININE! (punches the ground, once again erupting lightning)(Lemus: Why can he control lightning!?) SHARK-JUMPING BULLSHIT! (slams his head on the ground again and screams as he undergoes a shocking transformation)
"HERE IT IS!" Shakara and Nezumi cheered, "WHAT'S HERE!?" Everyone else questioned.
CHILLED: What the?!
(Bardock finishes screaming and is now seen as a Super Saiyan)
"Super Saiyan..." Shiva Samba realized, "Oh my..." Takama slack jawed, "It looks... Awesome..." Paint commented.
CHILLED: Oh, I'm sorry. I only fight natural blondes.
BARDOCK: I...am the legendary Super Saiyan.
VILLAGER: Yay, we're all Super Saiyans!
BARDOCK-Shakara: I will go back in time and/I will eat you!
(Chilled fires multiple blasts at Bardock, leaving the area in smoke)
CHILLED: And that, ladies, gentlemen, and those of unspecified gender, is how you split a bananaWAAA?
"Yes..." Everyone anticipated.
("Ninth Symphony" by Beethoven starts playing as Bardock walks out of the smoke with parts of his clothes and armor destroyed, but is far from being defeated. Chilled attempts to punch Bardock, but the Super Saiyan catches both his fists.)
CHILLED: Please don't break my butt.
BARDOCK: Okay.
"Nooo..." Everyone frowned.
CHILLED: Truly?
BARDOCK: No.
"YES!" Everyone cheered.
(Bardock starts pummeling Chilled, which ends with him kicking Chilled high into the air)
CHILLED: You petulant, impudent, contemptuous whoooooore!
"I know he changed color, but he still isn't a mirror!" Zettai exclaimed.
BARDOCK: (starts charging up an energy blast) You mad, bro?
CHILLED: A little, thank you for asking! (fires a Death Ball at Bardock)
BARDOCK: Then maybe you should CHILL! (Nightmare King: And now I want him to die./ Starrow: Come on! That was a good one.) (fires his energy blast)
CHILLED: I'm always chilled! (Avaritia: *Groans.*) ...Ooohhh, I get it (gets hit by the blast and is shot into outer space) NOOOOooooooo...
(cut to inside Chilled's spaceship with Chilled in a medical bed and on life support surrounded by a few of his soldiers)
CHILLED: Before I die, I have one...one more decree. (Paint: Let's hear it.) All of our most elite warriors must learn dance...choreography. (Everyone: *Open Jaw.*/ Shakara: I... I'm not even mad... I'm speechless...) (takes off breathing mask) Got to style...all over...our opponents'...forrrce... (dies with the electrocardiogram showing a horizontal line)
PINEAPPLE: Well, call it, Blueberry.
"They're still going at it!" Nezumi laughed.
BLUEBERRY: Do I still have to call myself Blueberry?
RAISIN: Well I'm gonna keep calling you Blueberry.
BLUEBERRY: Shut up, Raisin!
(cut to Twopock looking on as Bardock walks off in the sunset)
NARRATOR: And so, with the evil Chilled put to rest, the unlikely hero made his way. And that is the story of how...
(cut to Goku inside his house)
GOKU: ...how your grandpa Bardock became the legendary Super Saiyan.
"Wait..." Shakara paused.
GOHAN: Okay, a couple questions.
"No no no! Us first!" Jo'on requested, "I have no idea myself." Hatsu clarified.
GOKU: Sure.
GOHAN: Why did Freeza's Death Ball send him back in time?
GOKU: I dunno.
"..Why did it?" Anomaly realized it wasn't explained.
GOHAN: And what happened to his psychic powers?
GOKU: I dunno.
"That WAS a thing!" Oracle remembered.
GOHAN: And why did all the little Saiyans sound the same?
GOKU: I couldn't remember which was which, honestly, so I just went with it.
"The only thing with an explanation." Avaritia summarized.
GOHAN: Well I'm sorry, it's just...none of this makes any sense.
GOKU-Dreamiv: Of course it doesn't. None of this is actually happening.
GOHAN-Everyone: ...Huh?
GOKU-Dreamiv: None of this is real.
GOHAN-Everyone: What are you talking ab- *Everyone wakes up, realizing they fell asleep during the credits of Father of Goku.*
"...What happened?" Hatsu asked, "You fell asleep while changing the episode." Dreamiv excplained, "Wait what?" Shakara questioned, "Yeah, you dreamt the whole thing, but since it looked fun, I went along with it." Dreamiv explained further, "But... The Super Saiyan! It was the actual thing!" Nezumi countered, "I put that in, I found the memories of you guys seeing Super Saiyan during the tournament and used it here." Dreamiv clarified, "...Let's move on..." Hatsu basically ordered.