-34-

Alice

July 12th, 2023

Lighthouse Cove, Maine

I usually beat a hangover by chugging some Advil and a bottle of water before bed.

This time, my cure only works to a certain degree.

Perhaps it was the pitcher of margaritas we had when we came back from the bar that did me in.

Maybe we'll never know.

But when I wake up, the sun feels infinitely brighter than it normally is and my mouth is as dry as sandpaper. Groaning, I reach a hand out onto the nightstand next to my bed and search for my water – anything really – just to get this taste of torture out of my mouth. As I'm swallowing the last of it, I feel movement next to me, followed by a sound similar to the one that came out of my mouth when I had first opened my eyes. Amused by both his plight and mine, I snicker into my glass before finishing the last.

"Grease," Jasper says in a muffled voice against my shoulder. I feel his hand slide up my leg, his fingers splayed on the side of my waist as his lips dance across my skin. "We need food."

"You're hungry after a night like last night?" I ask, moving so I'm on my back staring up at him as he props himself on his elbow. "You're like Bella sometimes. Food and snacks are the answer to everything."

"I think you indulged more than I did," Jasper laughs, and I don't disagree with him.

I've been tipsy, drunk even, several times in the years since Peter died, but never wasted like I was last night.

And I regret none of it.

Maybe I'll regret the huge breakfast Jasper and I make for the house, but later when I look at everyone surrounding me at the table, I realize that when it comes to these five people, regret isn't a possibility.

. . .

It turns out Jasper was serious about having me over for dinner with his family.

He had left shortly after breakfast to join his family in celebrating his grandmother, and told me he would let me know when he would be back home for dinner.

I'm trying to play it off as casually as Jasper had made it sound when he had invited me, and now that it's only a few minutes before I'm about to leave, I find my nerves are getting the better of me. Peter's family had been a part of my life before I knew how pivotal other family members could be in a relationship. I was young and had known his family for years since we had grown up together, so making that transition from them just being a family in town I knew, to my boyfriend's family, to my in-laws was relatively easy.

This feels…like something grown ups do.

When does a person start recognizing themselves as the grown up in the room? Because some days I just want to throw the covers over my head and stay in bed, putting off all aspects of adulting for the foreseeable future.

Tonight may be one of those times, even though my brief encounters with Jasper's family have been nothing short of wonderful.

It's just dinner. That's all. I keep repeating that in my head as I second guess everything about myself. The jeans I'm wearing, the white, flowy sleeveless blouse I threw on to match. Even as I walk to Jasper's house on the beach, I'm wondering if the white sparkly flip flops I'm wearing are enough.

Grief does impossible things to the mind. Suddenly imposter syndrome is real and self-doubt usually wins when it comes to social situations. Sometimes I feel like I'm wearing a neon sign that screams she's broken to everyone who comes in contact with me.

It was that way for a while back home in Jacksonville. No one quite knew how to approach me. Was I going to cry and fall apart when they started talking? Was I going to storm off in a cloud of anger and despair?

So their solution was avoidance.

And the silence was sometimes louder than Peter's absence.

Which is why, over the last almost two years, that the confidence I used to feel when walking into a room has become slightly dimmed. More cautious instead of the self-assured woman I always was when it comes to new and unfamiliar situations.

I can only pray that on the surface, I don't come across as nervous as I am.

When I see Jasper from down the beach, I inhale slowly, wondering if I'll be able to hide it from him. Despite my nerves, I like this opportunity I have right now. Him, talking to two tall guys I assume to be his brothers, without me knowing I can see him. I'm able to watch him in his own natural habitat so to speak, engaging in what appears to be laughter and lively conversation, and it hits me then as I walk closer to him undetected, that this is a great example of how life really does move on. These little moments, seemingly unimportant moments where I can admire someone from afar, could easily pass me by while I looked down at the world through the lens of loss and sorrow.

As I lift the camera from around my neck to snap a picture of him unaware, I realize the lens I've been looking through life with is much better these days.

Filled with color again. Alive.

I continue walking, and I see when he spots me on the beach.

Click.

I snap the picture as a smile lights his face, and he leaves behind the two others to meet me.

"I would have picked you up," Jasper says in greeting once he's standing in front of me, reaching to grab the bag I have on my shoulder. "You didn't have to bring anything."

"You've brought over muffins and a trifle," I remind him with a laugh. "Tonight it's my turn."

He shrugs his shoulders, a bashful smile threatening to tug on his lips. "I like bringing you things. Is that very caveman-like of me?"

"Very," I giggle. "But I like it."

"I like you," he says, looking around before placing a chaste kiss on my mouth. "Come on. Everyone can't wait to see you again."

Another thing I've learned about Jasper Whitlock is that he doesn't embellish the truth. Just like he was serious about inviting me to dinner, it turns out he wasn't lying about his family being excited to see me, either. When I walk into the house, I'm immediately wrapped in a layer of warmth and hospitality. Maggie, his mother, welcomes me into her home with open arms, and even though this home is only theirs for vacation, I can feel a coziness inside all of the Whitlock's that make me understand Jasper more and more as the night goes on.

It makes me want more time with them. All of them. His parents. His loud and wild older brothers. His aunts, uncles, and cousins who talk so fondly of Jasper's grandparents, the reason why they're all here on the island in the first place.

I never want this night to end, though I know in the back of my mind that eventually it will have to.

I swallow down a slight wave of panic and bring my attention back to Jasper.

I can see that the goodness in him is all he has ever known. I know it when I'm sitting outside on the deck with his parents, listening as they share stories of their lives with me like I've known them forever. I see it when we're all sitting down to eat, all eighteen of us, and they each share something special about their grandparents. Spreading her ashes earlier this morning has proven to be cathartic for all involved, and later on between dinner and dessert I finally get a chance to talk to Jasper about it.

We're full from dinner and wine and laughter, and as we're walking away from the house and the noise so it's just the two of us, I realize how wrong I was to be nervous.

"How was it?" I ask him once we have settled ourselves down onto the blanket. I feel a shiver run down my body as the cool sand slips through my toes and curves around us as we make ourselves comfortable on the beach.

"Really great," Jasper answers quietly, a bittersweet smile dancing on his lips. "Exactly as I thought it would be."

"Good. I'm glad the weather held out for you all too."

"Does it ever rain here?"

"It hasn't on this trip but it does. One year the sun only came out once in the two weeks we were here."

"What did you all do?" He laughs, leaning back onto his elbows as he tilts his head towards the sky. His eyes close and for a brief moment, I wonder what he's thinking about.

"A lot of cooking. Baking. Sleeping. Drinking," I answer with a happy shrug. "It never really matters what we end up doing when we're here. Just being able to experience it with each other is really all that matters."

"You know my grandfather used to say that all the time about this place," he says, his eyes still closed as the wind rustles the waves of his hair. "He used to say that Lighthouse Cove had a little bit of something for everyone. I didn't really understand what he meant until now."

Nodding, I pull a piece of hair behind my ear. "It's just a place on the map until you're actually here. Then it just becomes almost a part of you and you start to feel like something is missing when you're away from it too long."

"I can see why you come back," Jasper says, his eyes fluttering open to look at the ocean in front of us. "I can see why my grandparents loved it here."

We're silent now as we listen to the evening soundtrack of crickets and ocean waves, the wind every now and then bringing a chill onto our blanket. Not that he needed an excuse, but Jasper sits up again and wraps me in his arms.

I'm immediately warm.

"I'm glad today went the way you thought it would," I say sincerely. I think of Peter's celebration of life as Jasper and I sit here on our blanket, and am thankful that time has given me a different perspective. I was numb that day, but now I feel a warmth flow through me as I remember all the wonderful people in our lives that came to the services in memory of Peter and in support of his surviving family. I can only hope Jasper and the rest of his family feel some type of peace after spreading his grandmother's ashes today.

"It was very peaceful. She was specific in where she wanted to be so it made it easier on us in a way. My grandfather? Not so much. He was always just happy to be wherever my grandmother was," he says. "He kind of left everything for us to decide in terms of services."

"No instructions left behind," I say with a nod in understanding.

"Did Peter leave any instructions?" He asks before squeezing my hand in his. "I'm sorry. You don't have to answer if —"

"I don't mind. Sometimes it's healing to talk about him. Reminds me that he was real," I respond. It feels good talking about him. "But yes, he did leave some instructions of his own. Wrote it all down in a letter he wrote before things became too hard for him. Some things he wrote down were funny things, like not to forget to host football on Sundays at our house or how to change a flat tire. He wrote down a lot of numbers for his trusted local handymen to help me with things around the house. Things like that."

"He was thinking ahead for you and Bree," Jasper says, his voice carrying a dose of respect for a man he has never met.

"He always did," I add proudly. "Everything he did was to make sure we would be okay without him."

"I think you're doing a damn good job," he says, tightening his arms around me so my head rests against his chest. I can feel his voice run through my body as he speaks. "Granted I've only known you here and not the person you are at home, but I can look at you and see just how strong willed you are to be able to get through something like this and still be able to stand here and live to talk about it."

"He wanted me to be happy. That was one of his instructions. To live my life and not to let him hold me back."

Jasper is quiet for a moment before he continues. "Your push," he remembers.

"I almost didn't come on the trip this year," I admit. "I was sitting on the edge of my bed just staring at my suitcase and wondering how I was going to be able to leave Bree and enjoy a place like this when my husband wasn't here anymore to create memories like this for himself. How could I go on with my life when his was cut short?"

"What made you decide to come?"

I exhale loudly as I think. "Bree. The girls. My mother in law. I tend to come back home from my two weeks here with a fresh outlook on life," I say, pausing for a moment. "I think she sensed I needed that. I was starting to feel a little restless and I think she thought Lighthouse Cove would wake me up a little bit. Give me some type of purpose."

Jasper nods. "My grandmother never came back here once my grandfather died," he says. "Maybe it was too hard to be here without him."

"I can understand that. Even though it's so beautiful here, almost magical even, I can see why some places are just too hard. There's this park near our house in Florida we used to take Bree to when she was a baby," I say and then shake my head. "Still can't go by it without breaking into tears."

He kisses the top of my head, sensing the sadness that can always pull me under if I let it. Blinking through a sudden wave of tears, I reach for his hand and squeeze it in reassurance. To tell him I'm okay. "Tell me about your grandma. When you were with your family today, what memory of her did you keep going back to in your head?"

Jasper inhales, slowly lowering us onto the blanket so our backs are flat and our legs are bent at the knees. The stars look down on us from above, and I'm sure most of them are smiling. He exhales and I see a big smile spread on his face. "Her belly button mushrooms."

I laugh loudly, and soon enough I feel his shoulders shaking with laughter right along with me. "Her what?"

"When we go back inside, ask everyone what their favorite food she cooked was and they'll all say something different. My brothers and my cousins? All different. She had a specific meal for each grandchild that she perfected just for that child," he shares.

"And yours is belly button mushrooms?"

"Rumor has it she left her recipes somewhere," Jasper says. He snaps his fingers to emphasize his point. "It's the first thing I'm looking for tomorrow."

"I'd love to try them," I say, and I'm not lying.

"She'd love that I would be sharing that meal with you," he smiles before his brow furrows. "How is Bree dealing with losing her father?"

Jasper finding comfort in his grandmother's cooking is endearing, but it must have gotten him thinking about Peter and Bree. I answer him the best I can. Grief is a difficult road to walk. It's not linear. It's bumpy. Lonely.

But at other times, like now, there's comfort in just talking about the experience.

"Everyone grieves differently. Me, you, Bree, your grandmother. For now, her age is her best ally. She's too young to fully grasp what she has lost. She has her moments when she misses him and doesn't understand why he's gone, but I think for now she's doing well. I'm preparing myself for when she's a teenager and for when certain milestones come up that she won't be able to share with him. Those are the times where I think she'll miss him the most."

"Mom won't go to this one store back home in Texas," Jasper says. "It's an old antique store that her and my grandmother used to go to all the time."

"Maybe one day she will," I offer. "Maybe one day someone will give her a gentle push."

Sometimes a push in the right direction is all we need.

"I hope someone does. She may be missing out on something incredible if she doesn't take that chance."

I see the incredible he's talking about in his eyes. I feel it when he smiles at me softly and tilts my chin up so he can kiss me on our blanket in the sand beneath the stars.

I close my eyes and feel it all. Everything.

"Thank you," I say when I feel like I have the words again. "For making me feel safe enough to take that chance."

"I didn't come to the island with the intention of meeting anyone," Jasper confesses in a whisper. I turn onto my side so I can look at him, and the smile on his face is contagious when I see it. "I was just coming to spend some time with my family, I swear."

I grin right along with him.

He continues, "But then you came along and here I am, spilling my life to you after you spent the whole night with my family, and the only thing I can think of is how bad I want to take you out on a date."

My heart swells within my chest and the grin I had on my face before is nothing compared to the one I'm wearing now. His eyes dance with mine as our fingers intertwine beneath the light of the moon. "You want to take me out on a date?"

"So bad, Ali. Like I'm fifteen again. I want to show you what can happen when you follow that chance." He sighs softly, his head gently falling against my shoulder. "Please tell me when."

I know what he means when he says he feels fifteen again. The excitement between us right now is almost palpable. "Tomorrow?"

In my head, I repeat what I had told myself earlier in the evening. I never want this feeling to end.

He gives a little fist pump to himself in the dark and I can't help but laugh all over again. With closed eyes, he lays back on the blanket and faces the stars with a smile again. "It's a date."

My grandma still makes me belly button mushrooms to this day! In fact, maybe I should give her a call..;p

See you tomorrow! Oh, and don't forget to follow our Companion fic, Chasing the Horizon, to get a glimpse on what's going through these poor boys' heads in Lighthouse Cove!