Chapter3-Pain
It had already been three weeks since the voice showed up. He hasn't been able to be the same since. It taunted him and made him confused. One minute it wanted him to kill himself, the next it said it was selfish to kill himself. He didn't know which one it wanted or what it even was. Or how it even got there, he really didn't want to know actually…
Jord lay there in bed, staring at the ceiling. He did that a lot. Just sitting or standing, and he would just stare, at nothing. He found it pointless now to do anything, the voice seemed to come at him whenever it felt like it, whatever he did, it found a way to tease him. But right now it seemed quiet, well it was in the middle of the night, maybe. He rarely checked the time anymore, he didn't see that point in that either.
He hated how things were now, he despised it. He wasn't himself anymore, not that he was in the first place, but he didn't like how quiet he got sometimes, and how Razor would ask more questions, but Razor had stopped a while ago. Maybe he got tired of asking him if he was okay, seemed likely.
It wasn't like Jord was of any purpose, or worth. He wasn't anything, he was nothing. Jord said that to himself every day. In a deep state of depression and self-loathing, it's like he forgot how to live, to be himself. He couldn't be himself when he knew the voice could hurt him now.
Yes, the voice could hurt him, but not physically. It was like it was tricking his mind into thinking he was being hurt, without getting physically hurt. Jord hurt everywhere, and every day. He hated it. But the voice has a different pain. It was like a burning sensation under your skin, no matter how much you try to struggle to get it off or it to be over with, it always seemed to stay.
Jord sat up in his bed, not wanting to think of that right now. He couldn't sleep, he hasn't been able to in such a long time, sure he could only sleep for an hour before the voice got annoyed and woke him up. But he just couldn't right now.
Jord slowly got out of bed, taking his time with it too. He didn't have anywhere to go or do. He just needed to walk around some, maybe that would make the sleeping feeling go away, he hated feeling tired, but you just can't help it.
Jord didn't realize that he was only wearing a T-shirt and some boxers, but he didn't care, he really didn't and it wasn't like anyone was awake anyways. He slowly made his way around the house, quietly. The voice decided to speak up.
You should do it Jord
Do what exactly?... Jord thought to the voice that seemed to want him to do something, but he didn't know what. He was just tired and didn't want to deal with the voices shit right now.
The knife…
Jord froze. The…knife? Jord questioned, what did the voice want this time?..
Get one of the knives in the kitchen… and then go back to your room…
And why should I listen to you?
Cause if you don't you know what happens…
Fine…
Jord thought that was odd, usually, the voice would be more commanding and less vague, what changed? Jord went with it though, he really didn't want the voice to hurt him again, not like last time…
He made his way to the kitchen and took out a knife from one of the drawers. It looked like any other knife, with a brown or black handle with a sharp piece stuck to it. He wondered what he needed to knife for, why the voice needed him to get one.
He headed back to his room, making sure he didn't wake anyone. He shut the door behind him and locked it.
Alright, what do I do now…
You know why…
I can't do that, I sorta kinda made a promise to Razor that I wouldn't… you know…
I know this, but don't you want the burning to go away? Don't you want me to go away?
He wanted that, the burning sensation under his skin, and the stupid voices in his head, yes, there were others but they were just whispers and nothing he could really point out yet. He hated the voices, he hated that pain, like it was crawling under his skin, he just wanted to peel his skin off and get it over with. Such a pain…
You know you want to, to get it to go away, to make your mind free again. Do it Jord. Do it. Now.
He looked at the knife in his hand, he lifted up the knife to his arm, was he really about to break Razor's promise? The voices were getting louder, he couldn't think straight, he was trembling. The burning got worse like he was on fire. He wanted it to stop, please stop.
The voices were basically screaming at him.
DO IT. DO IT NOW.
He brought the knife down and pierced his skin, it was small, and it stung a little, but the voices seemed… quieter…
Again… Do it again…
He did, again and again, small little cuts on his arm, like he was making art on his arm. Some were short small cuts, some were long, deep, shallow, just cuts. It felt so... right. The voices were getting quieter and quieter, the burning was now being replaced with the cuts pain, until there was only the pain in his arm. He felt so much better. Like nothing was wrong, he cut until the voices went away and the burning was gone.
He sat there in the corner of his room, his back to the wall. His mind was clear again, he forgot what it was like to have a mind of his own again, it was so quiet. If it wasn't for the pain in his arm, this would have been perfect. He sighed, He broke Razor's promise. He would hide the marks, or make an excuse, yes, that's good…
He knew the voices would come back at some point, but now he sat in his own silence. He was desperate, and he started taking his medication a few days ago again. He just wanted a way out without killing himself. He looked at the cuts on his arm, he should clean them before they got infected. Jord was desperate, not stupid, he didn't want his arm getting cut off because he didn't feel like cleaning his wounds, and letting it get infected.
He looked at the knife and stuffed it in one of his dresser drawers under some clothes, he didn't want to be found out yet, of what he did. But what if Razor did find out? Would he get mad at him? Disappointed? Or both? Most likely both, Razor wouldn't trust him, and not want to talk to him, and Jord felt stupid for not following through with his promise. But it felt so good not having a burning sensation inside you and the voices were quiet, finally, he could think clearly again, mostly.
He had gone insane before but didn't fully recover from it, or at least that's what Razor tells him. He made his way to the bathroom and locked the door behind him. No voices, no burning. Just him and the pain in his arm, he went to the sink and turned the water on, putting his arm under the cold water.
He hissed in pain, but it wasn't that bad, not as bad as the voice's pain anyways. The water turned red under his arm, he wondered if he had made a blood trail back there, he'll clean it up later.
After that day Jord continued to do it for a few more days, in the middle of the night he would cut himself, hide the knife, clean the wounds, and then hide them. He continued to take his medication, which didn't do much, but it was something. He could think more clearly without the voice mocking him so much and confusing his thoughts. Razor would sometimes give him a suspicious look sometimes, but wouldn't say anything. Jord stopped eating some days, others he would only eat two small meals and be done, keeping the voices and pain down more, he felt tired all the time and weak, but he kept a fake smile on.
He couldn't remember the last time he had a real smile on his face…