"Dr. Beck, do you have a moment," Dr. Irene Shields asked from the office doorway.
Chris looked up from the computer where he'd been editing another of the videos Mark had sent to them. He'd needed quiet so he'd sought out an empty office to work in as the Watney Ares office was always sure to have a minimum of three other astronauts working in it. He fought back a sigh at having been found. "Sure, Irene, what do you need?"
"Do you mind?" she gestured to the chair next to him.
He shook his head and pushed the chair out with his foot.
Irene smoothed her skirt and sat down. "How many of Mark's log entries have you read?"
"None of them," he replied. "Not my job, that's yours. Those are Mark's logs."
"I understand he's your friend as well as your crewmate, but I think in this case, crewmate takes precedence, especially as you are his flight surgeon. I plan to ask Melissa the same question."
He shook his head. "I don't think it's a good idea, and I promise you Lewis will agree."
"I do," she countered.
"Does anyone else agree?"
"The entire psychology department would like your input. You do know Mark better than any of us. We want to know what you think, both you and Melissa as I said."
"But not the rest of the crew?" Chris frowned.
"You're the flight surgeon and Melissa is the commander," Irene argued.
"But I have very little experience in psychology, and you know that," he pointed out. "If you want me to read them and give you an opinion because I know Mark, then the whole crew should read the logs and give their opinions as well."
Irene sighed, "I had a feeling that would be your answer. Well, I'll tell the others I tried."
"What exactly are you planning to do? It's not like you can have appointments with him with the time delay. You can assign him to write about certain things to be read, but you know as well as I do that if he doesn't want to do it, he won't. There's just no way to force him to do it. There is no immediate consequence you can assign for him not cooperating if he chooses not to. So really what are you going to do?"
"We haven't decided yet. That's why we would like your input."
Beck leaned back in his chair and looked at the ceiling, thinking. Finally, he looked at Irene. "Tell you what, if Mark gives me permission, I'll read his logs."
"I suppose that's the best I can hope for," she replied.
Watney,
Irene came to talk to me. She's been reading your logs. I'm sure you knew that was going to happen. She wants me to read them and Lewis as well then consult with her. I told her I won't do it unless you say it was okay. So, I'm asking: is it alright with you if I read your logs? I completely understand if you say no, and if you do I will honor that. I don't know what Lewis will do though.
Beck
P.S. - you and I are going to have a long talk when you get back to Earth, jackass
NASA nannies at it again, but he's right. I expected it.
Beck,
Go ahead, read away. Shields is probably freaking out because I mentioned the morphine. What the hell do they expect when I thought I was left here for dead on a desolate planet with only enough food for ten months? Seriously, go ahead and read. Tell Lewis I said it's ok, and if the others want to read they can too, include Rhodes in that.
Watney
P.S. I have no Earthly idea why you'd want to talk to me or call me such names. ;)
Watney,
Are you sure you're okay with everyone reading the logs? Like all of our crew or anyone beyond that?
Beck
P.S. You just better be thankful Annie is more discreet than you.
Beck,
Yes everyone on our crew and Rhodes. If Shields thinks someone else needs to read them, whatever.
Watney
P.S. Just trying to help you out, bro. So have you asked her out yet?
Watney,
No comment
Beck
He hasn't asked, chicken!
The Ares III crew met on their own once a week to discuss everything they'd learned, and to just touch base with each other. This week, they were sprawled all over Lewis's living room reading Mark's logs. Lewis and Beck sat with laptops in front of them. Martinez and Vogel were using their phones. Beth, on the other hand, had decided to go old school and print a copy that she'd had bound. She'd nearly had to swear in blood to both Irene and Annie that it would never leave her sight and be returned to the office to be shredded in front of them.
"Doctor," Alex said. "Do you think he used staples or sutures to fix his wound?"
"Staples," Martinez replied before Beck had even opened his mouth. "He'd have wanted it done as fast as he could, besides he sucked at stitching up other people when we did it in practice."
"Much as I hate to admit it, Rick's probably right."
"Stapling yourself? On purpose and not by accident? Eww," Beth blanched.
A few minutes later Beth was gagging. "Gross, gross, gross."
"Ah," Melissa laughed, "you must have reached the 'farming in our crap' log."
"Damn, I'm glad I didn't get left behind," Rick said.
"Would have been difficult considering you were doing the flying," Johanssen said and rolled her eyes. "Idiot," she muttered.
"Anyone else notice how he writes?" Chris asked.
"You mean like he's writing a book and just talking to the reader?" Lewis commented.
"Yeah, that."
"Maybe he should write a book about his experience when he gets back. These logs would be a great start," Lewis said.
Rick laughed, "Who'd read that?"
"Everyone!" came the response from the other four, then they all laughed and returned to reading.
"Can someone tell me what show it is that Mark is enjoying here?" Alex inquired.
"I think it's M*A*S*H," Beck replied, "but don't quote me on that. Lewis?"
"I think so. I know I had it on my data stick"
"He turned the Hab into a bomb? What the hell? How is he still alive?" Rick yelled.
"Keep reading," Lewis responded, "you're going to be asking yourself that again and again."
"Damn! Seriously, how the hell is he still alive?"
Beck shook his head, "He's the luckiest unlucky guy I've ever met."
"The show was M*A*S*H by the way," Lewis said. "He quotes it on his way to Pathfinder."
"Well, I'm done for the night. I've seen his going to Pathfinder videos," Rick commented.
"Me too," Beck said.
Beth yawned, "Yeah, I'll read more tomorrow."
"I will do the same," Alex said.
"Have a good night everyone, and a safe trip for you two back to JPL."
Crew,
Is anyone else getting more pissed off at Sanders while reading the logs? I really wanna sic Grace on him. I know Rhodes said she wanted to hit him. I say we find him and let her.
Beck
Beck
I'm with you buddy! I'll fly her wherever the hell he's hiding out now.
Rick
Doctor Beck
Count me in.
Vogel
Boys,
He's gone. We can let it go now. Grace already has.
Lewis
Lewis and you guys too,
Screw that! I say let's slip these few logs to her and let her at him.
Johanssen
Watney,
What the hell? You were gonna dig a cave and somehow move the Hab into it? Man, you're crazy.
Martinez
Useless Pilot boy,
Still might do it. I know you're jealous that you won't get to live in a cave on Mars. It'd be the ultimate man cave.
Crazy man on Mars
Mark,
You know they say the mere fact that you admit you're having a problem is the first step to… yeah something stupid. I'm not sure where I was going with that. It's pretty awesome you admitted you were lonely and worried about the effects of isolation. You're right. You are an excellent character study, in more ways than one. For someone else though, not me. I'm still not into psychology no matter how much Irene wants me to be.
Chris
Bossy Beck,
Don't think I didn't catch that jab. Yeah, I'm sure I'll be written up in medical textbooks for decades to come.
The Mental Patient
P.S. joke don't go freaking out on me and call Shields in for a consult
Bro,
What the hell you turned my clothes into a scarecrow? Please tell me you took a picture.
Lil sis
Bethy,
I may have, but I honestly don't remember. I'll look and if I did I'll send it to you,
Marky Mark
Watney,
Good to know you haven't forgotten to count.
Martinez
Useless dude,
Better than you.
King of Mars
Watney,
So we have matching hairstyles now?
Vogel
Supervillian,
We have matching non-hair styles now, haha.
Superhero
Mark,
I shared your self-cleaning solar panel idea with JPL and they're looking into it for the scheduled colony missions.
Lewis
Commander,
Is it too late to request equipment to make my own in my supply probe? Or at least new air canisters, or some good old-fashioned Swiffer dusters with the extended pole? I'm only half kidding by the way. I need a better, faster way to clean them.
Watney
Dr. Beck,
Should we be concerned that Mark noticed all the cutting objects?
Vogel
Vogel,
I've talked to Dr. Shields. We're not concerned at this point. He's being ridiculous, it's Mark after all, but not concerning.
Beck
Watney,
Yeah, I left my data stick on Hermes too. I didn't realize it until we were on the surface. I thought I had all of my stuff on one flash drive, but I guess I had two.
Beck
Beck,
Good to know someone else was as dumb as me.
Watney
Just a botanist,
A vegetarian huh? Your arteries are probably freaking out not getting their regular intake of grease. Healthiest you've eaten your entire life huh?
Most Awesome Pilot Ever
Marissa's worse half,
You've never eaten healthy a day in your life except when you were in the Academy. And I'd kill for a good cheeseburger right about now.
Best Botanist on the Planet
Yo bro,
I never got pics of Chuck Bob so you'd damn well better have pics of Soju puppy! Send 'em, send 'em, send 'em. They're going on Twitter. The world will love him and you, as if they don't already. It's kind of sickening just how much people love you. Goes to show that they don't know you. ;)
Lil sis
P.S. if you call me Bethy again there will be retribution and you won't know when it's coming and you have years to think about just what I'll do and when
Brat,
I didn't take any pictures of CB, sorry. I do have pics of Soju, but if you're going to threaten me I don't think you deserve to see them
Big Bro
Big Butthead,
Fine, I'll just get Annie to nag you to send the pictures or video of Soju.
Lil sis
Super Brat,
Did you not catch that I'm not replying to Annie anymore? She might send more questions and I'm done with those, so that won't work either, but nice try.
Super Bro
Dear, dear, dear Big Brother :)
Ok, I'll just have to share with the rest of the astronauts that they should mention Soju anytime they do school visits, in-person or virtual. The kiddies can ask you for pictures.
Your sweet angel adopted lit sis
Devil child,
Oh, I see, now you're playing dirty. Fine, I'll send the pictures directly to Annie and tell her they're only for "week in the barrel" use. Not for social media, and that you can't have them.
Wise older bro
Dumbass,
Like Annie will listen to you. You're on her shit list and she loves me.
The Smart Sibling
Foolish Child,
Ah, but I'm holding the cards. All I have to do is tell Annie I'll answer all the questions she wants, and she'll do whatever I ask.
Not so dumb after all, am I
P.S. Love you, but Rhodes is my smart "sibling", the smartest of all three of us
Disowned one
You think you've won this round but I'm here in Houston. I can bribe Annie daily to see the pictures of Sojourner.
Former lil sis
P.S. I will however acknowledge that Rhodes is smarter than both of us, put together for that matter. That woman is brilliant.
Children,
You are absolute children, and I will not be bribed by either of you. Unless you want to get the worst public visits and speaking appearances in the history of NASA you'll leave me out of your idiocy. Yes, Watney that means you too no matter how long it takes for you to return to Earth.
Ms. Montrose
PR Goddess and dearest darling sister,
Apologies. Here are pictures of Soju being adorable, at least as adorable as a makeshift robot dog can be. I shall now answer questions as further penance for my sins if you have more to send me.
Mark
P.S. I'm hoping you don't have more questions. I'm still worn out from the last ones.
Watney,
Dude, keep your day job. I always knew you copied your jokes from someone else. That mess you called a sitcom proves it.
Martinez
Martinez,
Like you could write better.
Watney
Watney,
I totally could. I make up stories for my kid all the time.
Martinez
Martinez,
Prove it. Write one down and send it to me, or record one and send it to me.
Watney
Watney.
You just don't believe me.
Martinez
Martinez,
Nope, not for a hot second.
Watney
Mark,
Rick asked me to tell you he can write stories. He does tell David stories that he makes up, but they're awful.
Marissa
Martinez,
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. That backfired on you.
Watney
P.S. I love your wife more than I love you, dude.
Mark,
You finished the mission. I'm so proud of you and so thankful.
Melissa
Lewis,
I had to do something and it seemed like the best idea. I just asked myself "What would Lewis do?"
Watney
Watney,
You're so full of shit, but nice try.
Lewis
Lewis,
It was worth a shot.
Watney
Mark,
Would you like some suggestions on coping with the anxiety from the wind and sand storms?
Beck
Miracle Doctor,
If you have some ideas that will help me. Send them. I'm willing to try just about anything.
Watney
Mark,
I'm sending several short videos on yoga and tai chi. I'm also sending a few deep breathing exercises. Continuing to work and trying to distract yourself with the music was a good idea. I'll see if I can get approval to send you music files. We've been sending all these recordings back and forth, we really should be able to send music. I'll make it a prescription if I have to so they don't think it's frivolous. And if they won't take it from me I'll ask Irene to do it.
Chris
Angel of Mercy aka Dr. Beautiful Beck my hero,
I'll try yoga and tai chi but if you can get me music other than disco you will be my hero for life. I'll do whatever I can to help you get Johanssen, or I can just be your love slave ;)
Watney
Mark,
You stay out of my relationship, or lack thereof. Your appreciation is unneeded, gotta make sure we get you home. Thanks for the offer, btw, but you're not my type. Music's coming soon. Not much, but I was able to get a short playlist of I think, twenty songs from the 90s to today. We'll put more on a thumb drive on your supply probe. I think we already told you we were doing that. Try either yoga or tai chi every other day consistently, then use it when you feel anxious. I just checked our medicine list again and we don't have anything I'd feel comfortable telling you to take. None of the pharmaceuticals you have are designed to treat anxiety, and even if they were, they're all in only one or two dosages. Let me know how it goes.
Beck
Watney,
I hate to disappoint you, but even I wouldn't be able to make fireworks worth lighting on Mars. Just not enough oxygen, sorry. Still, the idea of suddenly seeing aerial fireworks on a satellite image from Mars is wonderful. NASA would have panicked at that.
Vogel
Vogel,
Could you build the firework around a small canister of oxygen that would burst when lit and feed the reaction?"
Watney
Watney,
In theory, it seems possible, but in reality, I don't know that it would work.
Vogel
Vogel,
Well damn, that just sucks.
Watney
Watney,
I think the fact that you had the idea means you are the supervillain and not me. Perhaps we should be worried you're using your secret base on Mars to plot the takeover of Earth.
Vogel
Vogel,
First, my base on Mars isn't a secret. Second, stop trying to distract from your supervillainy.
Watney
Watney,
Dude, when you get home we can get tons of cardboard and turn my back stairwell into a slide. David will love it! I bet even Marissa would.
Martinez
Martinez,
Start stocking up on cardboard boxes now. You can help me find a multi-story house with a big attic and we can build it there too.
Watney
Watney,
You're on!
Martinez
Mark,
Are you still hearing voices or noticing things moved that you don't remember moving?
Beck
Worrywart Beck,
No.
Watney
Watney,
Are you telling me the truth?
Dr. Beck
Bossy Beck,
Yes!
Watney
Watney,
You'd better not be lying to me.
Beck
BB,
And if I were, how would you know, and what would you do about it from Earth?
Watney
Mark,
Does that mean you lied?
Beck
Christopher "annoying one" Beck
No, I didn't lie. Yes, I've stopped hearing voices. No, nothing seems to have moved without me moving it. If it happens again I'll document it. Now leave me alone and let it go! Be like Elsa.
Watney
Mark,
You told stories to your plants? Really? That's adorable.
Beth
Beth.
Of course, I did. I have to practice so that someday I can read stories like a good uncle to all the little Johanssen-Beck kiddos.
Uncle Mark
Watney,
What are you talking about? I think you are losing it now. Me and Beck? Nope.
Johanssen
Bethy
Methinks the lady doth protest too much. You have a crush on Beck and you should go for it.
Marky Mark
BUTT OUT "BIG BROTHER"
Lil sis
Dear sis,
Ah, so you do still have a thing for him.
Your loving brother.
Jerkwad,
What part of BUTT OUT do you not understand?
Johanssen
Lil sis,
What the hell? I didn't do anything. I just asked a question.
Super caring big bro
Liar,
You did not just ask. You said something to him. You had to have. He called me yesterday and asked about meeting me at the airport to drive me home. He said we could stop for dinner on the way if I wanted. This is all your fault.
Pissed off little sister
Dear darling demented sibling,
What the hell is wrong with you? You've had a thing for him for ages now and he asks you out and you get pissed at me. What the hell? In case you hadn't figured it out, and you haven't, he's also had a thing for you, for longer I might add. He's wanted to ask you out since before we launched, but he knew Lewis would kill him. Don't be stupid, say yes!
Your bro who only wants the best for you
Beck.
WTG dude! Took you long enough. I thought you'd never ask. Now behave with my lil sis.
Watney
Watney,
Butt out!
Beck
Beck and Johanssen,
You've now both told me to butt out so here I am butting out, but if you don't go out I'm butting back in when I get back to Earth and you can't stop me.
Watney