A.N.: This chapter gets a little M-rated toward the end. Fair warning!

Chapter 2

Parting Gift

-HELGA-

So, if you're wondering how the rest of the party went, well, apparently my little blow-up had been all but forgotten due to the fact that Burt had caught Ludwig and Maria making out behind one of the hedges and the two had gotten into a huge fight that ended up with both of them being bodily thrown out of the mansion. After that epic display of macho stupidity, no one could be even remotely bothered to remember my own temper tantrum.

Over the next two weeks, Arnold and I resolved to enjoy each others' company to the best of our ability. The rest of the gang went out of their way to give us all the space we needed, even Gerald, who probably had the most to lose here besides me. Mental note: Be much, much nicer to Gerald from here on in. Rhonda, Phoebe and Lila had volunteered to pick up my slack patrolling at nights, so I'd have the maximum amount of Arnold time.

And yet, even with all this togetherness, I found myself thinking of how soon it would all be over, and all the things we'd be denied this summer… the annual boarding house summer beach trip, giant turkey legs and goofing on the Ren Geeks at the Hillwood Renaissance fair, decorating the tree and hanging stockings for the Fourth of July, driving down to Gravity Falls for their Summerween festivities (can you imagine? The best holiday of the year and there's a town that has an extra one? We had to go!), going to the Humdinga music festival… and that was just the summer… we'd miss going to school together, Regular Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentines' Day, the Cheese Festival… the specter of a long, Arnoldless year loomed over my waking thoughts like a big gloomy raincloud over… well, this was the Pacific Northwest, so basically anywhere.

And as the day grew nearer, my depression grew. The more time I spent with him, the more all I could think about was that soon I couldn't spend time with him. I felt myself withdrawing more and more, and guilty over monopolizing his remaining time while it was becoming harder and harder for me to be with him.

I was so worried about losing him, that I was going to lose him anyway. And I couldn't let that happen. And so, as the days counted down to the end, I resolved that I was going to give Arnold the ultimate parting gift.

The day before he was scheduled to leave, I arranged a get-together for the whole gang at Arnold's favorite pizza place… no huge party, just a quiet get-together with the people he was closest with. They deserved the chance to say goodbye to him as much as I did. It was a relaxed affair, reminiscing about old times, pigging out on pizza, Yahoo flowing like soda, not thinking about the future, just living in the present.

As the party drifted to a close, Gerald thumped the table to get everyone's attention. "Friends," he started, "We've all had fun tonight, but let us not forget the reason we're here. To see off your friend and mine, our own, Arnold Shortman. Now, I don't have to tell any of you just how much he's done for each and every one of us. In fact, I'm pretty sure a lot of us would probably be dead without him." *laughter* "Instead, we're going to go around the room and have everyone say why they're thankful that Arnold had been a part of our lives for all these years. First up.. Sid, if you would?"

"Me?"

"Well, you are sitting to my immediate right…"

"Okay," he said. "I, um… well… I think all of us know that I have a tendency to get a little paranoid sometimes."

"If by 'a little' you mean 'very' and by 'sometimes,' you mean, 'you can set your watch to it', then, yeah," I commeneted.

"…anyway, it's probably because Arnold's managed to talk me down every time that I haven't wound up on the evening news yet."

"It's not so bad. Really gets your face out there," Curly interjected.

"Seriously. I almost tried to dive a stake through Stinky's heart that one time, because a bunch of random stuff convinced me that he was a vampire."

"I reckon there ain't no hard feelings on my part. It's a right easy conclusion for you to jump to, on account'a I'M A VAMPIRE! BLAH!"

Sid yelped involuntarily. "Uh…. Good one, you got me. We all know you're not a vampire, 'cause vampires aren't real."

"Oh, they're real," I remarked.

"She's, uh…. She'd kidding, right?" Sid asked nervously (but that's redundant).

"Well, I mean, I haven't met a vampire personally, but I know someone who has, and given that I've personally encountered ghosts, gnomes and other creatures, I don't really see much of a reason to doubt her…"

"But there aren't any here, right? Right?"

"…moving on… Lila?"

"Well… I think the thing I admire most about Arnold is his ever-so-kind and forgiving nature. I'm sure all of us remember those early days when he was trying to win my attention. And I'm sorry to say I never really gave him a chance, but he never held it against me. I must say I'm happy we remain friends to this very day."

"Reckon I'm next," continued Stinky. "Well… used to be, I thought o' myself as jus' a dumb ol' country hick who weren't no good at nuthin' no how. I was sure I wouldn't ever amount to anythin'. It was Arnold who convinced me that I did have something t be proud of." He blushed. "Sorry, that's all I got. I ain't no fancy public speaker. Al I gots is what's in my heart."

"It's okay, Stinky. It doesn't really matter if it's fancy, just the feeling behind it."

Eugene stood up next. "Everyone knows I'm not the luckiest guy around. But there's one thing I am lucky for… I got to have Arnold as a friend. In fact… he's kind of the reason I'm as positive as I am. There was this one time that someone cave me a crab and it pinched me, which wouldn't have been so bad by itself but a lot of other bad things had happened to me that day. I was on the verge of tears, but he did his best to cheer me up, and he sang this song his grandma taught him about always looking up. From that day on, I always kept that song in my heart, and I've never let anything keep me down since. Hey, let's all sing along! When…"

"No! This is not turning into a musical!" Gerald interrupted. "If we get started, we'll never get finished. Curly, you're up next."

"I thought this was the 'War of Kingdoms' discussion club," the diminutive bespectacled boy quipped. "Honestly, I've never heard of this 'Arnold' guy."

"Thad," Sheena prodded, elbowing him.

"…okay, I guess he talked me down a few of the time when I got crazy, and that's why I'm not in some mental ward right now. So I guess he's all right."

"Um, okay," the tall brunette said shyly. "Well, what I appreciate about Arnold was that he always had time for any cause. You could always count on him to stand up for the little person. Whether it was saving Mighty Pete, equal support for girls' sports, stopping the school board from cutting club support… he's always been there when we needed him."

"Uh… guess I'm up next? Harold said. "Um… well, I used to be this big bully, but Arnold still talked to me and everything and then I became nicer, an' he helped me take care of that kitten and kept me from running away from my Bar Mitzvah and he got me back into school when I got suspended and helped me lose all that weight that one time an'…. Well, he did a whole lot for me 'cause I'm kind of a mess as a person. I… I think that's the cool thing about him. He sees you as just more than the thing everybody sees. Like… you're a person and not just a cartoon stereotype."

Rhonda nodded. "Eloquently put, Harold."

"Yeah, an' I said it good too," Harold replied, beaming.

"That's the great thing about him… he doesn't see the front you put forward, but the best version of who you are. And he can make you see it too. He can make you want to be that best version of you."

"I see Arnold as, above all, a peacemaker," Nadine continued. "When Rhonda and I had our falling out back in fourth grade, he went to extraordinary measures to get us back together. And I know, that's understandable because we're friends and we've known him since preschool, but I've seen him do it for people he didn't know all that well… even people he didn't particularly like, like that time Wolfgang and Edmund got in that he fight a couple of years ago. Even with a guy who used to beat us up on a regular basis, he was willing to put himself on the line."

"In my case, the attribute I most associate with Arnold is his boundless empathy," picked up Phoebe. "He had almost a sixth sense for when someone was in distress. Like last year, when I took on a courseload that was far too strenuous for me. I was headed for a crash, but he was the first to see it. It was he who assured me that I needn't allow myself to be a slave to my drive to be the best. I don't need to go to college two years early." She smiled. "One is more than enough." *laughter*

And so, we'd circled around the table and now, it was my turn. Everyone's eyes were on me, something I absolutely loved, she narrated with not even a tiny hint of sarcasm. Now, at this point, Arnold's and my relationship had been out in the open for years. I should have no problem talking about it in front of people who are supposedly my closest friends. Emphasis: should. The truth is, though, that even after all these years, I'm really uncomfortable showing warmth in front of other people. Anger, yeah. Sarcasm, sure, any time. But honest, heartfelt emotion? That was my kryptonite… well, apart from the actual rare crystal that can kill me. That's more of a literal kryptonite rather than a metaphorical one.

So, what came out of my mouth at that point was not a heartfelt, articulate summary of why Arnold is my heart's desire, my guiding light, my inspiration, and why his departure was going to feel like ripping off my own arm, and not just one of the extra ones, instead, I delivered this beautiful nugget:

"Um… well, you know… it's all that stuff you guys already said, so, I guess I agree with all of that too… so, really, I guess I don't have much more to add to that…"

"Really?" Gerald asked. "Are you sure you don't have anything else you want to add to that?"

"No, Geraldo, I don't have anything to add to that. Honestly, you're all going on like this is some kind of goddamned funeral eulogy, and he's not dead, he's just… leaving. And he's still going to be around, it just won't be here, with us lunatics, He'll be away. Not here. Not with us. Not with me."

Arnold looked at me. "Helga… you don't have to talk if you don't…"

"I'm not ready to let you go, okay? Everybody's already saying goodbye, but… I don't want to say goodbye. I don't want things to end. If I start going on and on about how important you are to me and how much everything's going to be different without you, I'm acknowledging that it's all over and I don't want to do that, I want everything to stay like it is now, I…" Great. Exactly what I didn't want to happen is happening and I'm breaking down into a sobbing rambling mess in front of everyone. And now they're all staring at me and everything is awkwardly silent.

"W-what are you all staring at?" I asked, trying to compose myself, as Phoebe surreptitiously handed me some napkins to wipe my eyes…. thank goodness I hadn't reached the snot-dripping ugly-cry phase…. "This is a party. We're supposed to be happy. Everyone go back to being happy." I pushed my seat away from the table and ran out. Once out, I made my way to an alley, where I opened several flaps in my shirt and jacket, kicked off my shoes, and let the real me out, then launched myself into the air. I needed time to clear my mind, and up there, with no distractions, I could. For about an hour, I drifted above the city, ignoring my phone's incessant ringing. Probably him, realizing what I'd done and trying to reach me. I put it out of my mind. I'd had plans, but the outburst back at the pizza place had blunted my courage to go through with it.

But I still wanted it. If I was absolutely going to have to say goodbye to him, no matter how much I didn't want to do it… I was going to have to give Arnold the one thing he needed most of all.

-ARNOLD-

"You are gonna go after her, right?" Gerald prompted.

I paused. My first impulse was always to go to her, but I didn't want to just ditch everyone. "You're all okay with that, right?"

"Go," Phoebe prompted. "Nobody here is going to hold it against you."

"If everyone's okay-"

"Arnold!" Rhonda cut me off. "You're always so worried about everyone. It's okay to think about what you want for once. Now go. We're FINE."

"Thanks, I said, running after her.

By the time I got out of the pizzeria, I could see no trace of her. I hadn't been that far behind… I should have at least been able to see her.

Unless… she went in the one direction I absolutely couldn't follow her. Up.

I got out my cel and dialed her. No answer. Not at all unexpected given her mood. Truth told… I was kind of used to getting these cold-shoulder tactics from her. Just par for the course for dating a girl with such mercurial emotions. She would always come around though… the problem was, this time, I'd be gone tomorrow.

I probably looked desperate, but I called a bunch more times, leaving a series of increasingly ridiculous-sounding messages. Finally, after about an hour, I gave up. I called Gerald to let him know I hadn't been able to find her, and he assured me that nobody had minded I'd gone after her for a second time, and that there was no point coming back to the party since everyone had left anyway.

Dejected, a hopped a bus back home. Once I got there, I could try Helga again.

I opened the door to a loud "SURPRISE!"

"What the-?" I should have expected this. The guys from school weren't the only ones who were going to want to say goodbye to me. "Uh, guys… you didn't have to do all this for me…"

"Nonsense, short man! Didja think were were just gonna let you leave without sendin' you off in style?"

"Over there! Over there!" sang Grandma, dressed in a World War I uniform, marching in place and waving a baton in time to the song, "Send the word, send the word, over there, that the Yanks are comin', the Yanks are comin', the drums rum-tummin' everywhere!"

"Really… I appreciate this, but I just got back from a going-away party, and I'm not really up to another one, so if I could just-"

"Uh-uh, Arnold, you ain't getting' away that easy," Ernie said, revving a chainsaw. "Now let's cut that cake!"

"Stop! Just use a knife, you crazy, crazy man!" scolded Mr. Hyunh.

"Friends, if Arnold is too tired, he is too tired," Oskar interjected. "He doesn't have to stay up if he doesn't want to. I'll be a good friend and eat his piece of the cake for him. Eh heh heh heh."

"Oh, no you ain't goin' near his piece, Kakoshka!" Ernie snapped, turning himself, and his improvised cake-cutting tool, toward him.

"Help, help!" Oskar whined. "A crazy man is attacking me with a chainsaw! It is like that horror movie with the guy in the hockey mask! Someone call the police!"

I attempted to back away from the madness, only to back into my parents. "Sorry, son," Dad said sympathetically. "They got us too. It's best to let them just have their way, believe me."

"It's more for them than for us, anyway," Mom added. "Just go with it. It'll be over soon."

Over soon, it was not. The party went on for what seemed like forever, with Grandma, Grandpa, and all the boarders sharing their own stories (I'm pretty sure Grandma's was made up, as I'm fairly sure I never conducted a daring raid on a saboteur's base in wartime Belgium). Finally, after a couple of hours, I felt my phone go off. It was a text from Helga. Finally, I thought. Maybe she's feeling better and we can talk about this. I opened the text.

PinkBow: Hey, Football-Head. Come upstairs. I'm ready to give you your going-away present [birthday cake emoji] [gift box emoji].

"Uh, excuse me," I said, "do you mind? I need to go upstairs for a minute."

"Nature callin', eh, short man? Runs n the family. Well, go on ahead. This party's gin' 'til question marks!"

Permission achieved, I ran upstairs and opened the door to my room, wondering just exactly what I'd find My mind raced. It could be could be... what I'd been dreaming of.

Well, it was Helga. I expected that.

What I didn't expect was just her laying there on her side, dressed in that bikini Leia wore in Return of the Jedi, wing draped over her upper body coyly, concealing her upper chest, tail swishing invitingly, a seductive gave adorning her face. Like some medieval artist's depiction of the mythical succubus, right down to the horns. A saint's temptation incarnate. And public opinion aside, I am most definitely no saint.

"So, Football-Head," she purred. "Do you like your gift? Go on. Unwrap it."

A.N.: Well, that escalated quickly! Talk about a hell of a parting gift! So… will Arnold and Helga go all the way? Find out next chapter!

"Over There" lyrics courtesy of the late George M. Cohan.

Jose: We'll see just how Arnold and Helga handle a long-distance relationship in the coming chapters.

Next: Ready or Not