Chapter 3

Ready or Not

-ARNOLD-

"Well, Arnold? Aren't you going to unwrap your goodbye present?"

I strained for something witty to say, but nothing was coming out. For, you see, Helga's "goodbye present" was herself, dressed very sparsely, lying on my bed. And my teenage boy brain was literally in the process of melting down.

"You, uh… kinda look unwrapped already," I stammered, voice breaking a lot more that I wanted.

"Not entirely," she said. "There's still this pesky bikini. I do believe it's cutting off my vitamin D absorption. Perhaps you could remove it?"

"…oh… wow…." I stuttered, wiping the sweat off my brow. "I, um… you're not using your powers, are you?"

"Uh uh," she said with a smirk. "That's all you, baby." She shifted to a sitting position, her upper pair of hands reaching for my shirt and her lowers to undo my belt. "You'll cool off once we get rid of all these clothes…"

I staggered back a bit. This was happening. It was real and it was happening. I'd dreamed about it countless times (well, obviously, I'm a guy and I'm fifteen). Sometimes she was human, sometimes she was in her mutant form, in still others she was a mermaid or a centaur or some other fantastical being, but always waiting for me, beckoning me forward to claim her, and I always obliged (of course, I would wake up before anything actually happened, and sometimes certain… embarrassing things would happen, but I'd been assured that was normal. But now… she was here, she was real, and she was practically giving herself away to me. My dream, literally, was coming true.

So why was I backing away?

"Uh… I… uh… are we sure…. I mean… we're both so young…"

"Oh please, you know you want this. Let's get those clothes off." Her upper slowly drifted toward shirt's buttons. "And we'll see if that last name of yours is ironic or what. " Her lowers drifted down to my fly and I could feel my blood pressure beginning to rise. "What do you say, Arnold… Arnold… Arnold… HEY ARNOLD!"

And just like that, I suddenly felt myself snap back to reality.

Two things were true. I was still in my room, and she was still there. But she was back in her human form, and fully clothed, and sitting in a perfectly non-seductive way. It had all been in my head.

She cocked her head, staring at me quizzically. "Back with us, Football-Head? Where was it this time, the jungle? Underwater? Maybe some kind of desert expedition?"

"Um… yeah, that last one," I sad, hoping I wasn't too transparently lying. "So, uh… you texted me that you had some kind of going-away present for me?"

"Yeah, um…" She rubbed the back of her head. "Look, I've been thinking a lot about this the last couple of weeks. We've been spending a lot of time together, which was great, but also… not."

"How is that not great?" I asked, confused.

"Well, I mean… I love being with you, but I was monopolizing all your time. Time that you didn't have a lot of, and you had so many people who deserved a part of it. Face it… I put up this whole tough-girl attitude, but underneath that, I'm clingy and dependent. You know what I was originally planning to do? I was gonna do this whole clumsy seduction routine where I show up in here naked and coax you to have sex with me in the hope that it'll force us to keep this relationship going." She chuckled sardonically. "Talk about messed up and desperate, huh? That would've been awful. Our first time shouldn't be like that."

"Yeah," I said, blushing, embarrassed that that scenario had been exactly what I'd pictured.. "That would have been terrible. Neither of us would have been ready for that."

"Heh. I know, right? The fact that I'd even think of it just speaks of deep unresolved dependency issues. Thank goodness I came to my senses."

Truth is, she was right. We weren't ready, and it was just my teenage hormones and overactive imagination that had ever made me think that I wanted it. And while those parts of me were disappointed, I knew that it was a good thing that it hadn't been real.

But boy were those parts of me real disappointed.

I sat down beside her. "So… what are you giving me?"

"Well… I was thinking originally some kind of flashy symbolic gift like a gold compass 'so you'll always find your way back home' or some such stupid cheesy crap like that, but, ugh, just no. That and you could just use the one on your phone anyway."

"That's true. Plus a gold compass would be expensive."

"And possibly lead to other dimensions with cowboys in airships and talking warrior bears. Actually, that all sounds awesome Why the hell didn't I get one of those? But, I digress. Arnold… what I want to give you is…. your freedom."

I blinked stupidly. "My what?"

Helga took a deep breath, placing her hand on mine. "Arnold… I think we should break up."

"What? Why?"

"Because I'm clingy and needy, and I think I need to learn how to not be clingy and needy. Arnold, I love you, and I always will love you, but there are things abut what I'm like with you that I don't love. I…" She took a deep breath. "I think being apart for a year will be good for us. It'll give us some perspective."

"But why? Why can't we just stay together? I'm sure we can just make this work…"

"Not the way I am. I'd just spend all my time obsessing about you and worrying that maybe some other girl is getting her hooks into you and next thing you know, I'm blowing off school and jumping the next flight to San Lorenzo, because in your last e-mail you mentioned that you made a new friend who happens to be female and I'm a jealous psycho idiot who can't let you have that!"

"You're not-"

"It drives me crazy when you even look at another girl, let alone talk to someone! That's the truth, and as much as you don't want to acknowledge it, it's going to damage us in the long run if I don't get a handle on it. I… I think we need this. I think I need this."

"I-is this really what you want?" I asked.

"That's the thing… there's a difference between wanting and needing. Of course I don't want to let you go… but I need to. And I need you, but… what I really need is to not need you. Because that makes me needy. I want to… want you. Not need you. Do… do you get what I'm trying to say, Arnold?"

"To be honest… I think I'm almost there, but not quite."

"Okay, let's see if I can explain it a bit better… I've been in love with you since I was four. That is over three-quarters of my existence on this planet. Do you think a four-year-old has any real understanding of love? You were the first person who I have any memory of showing me any real kindness, and I basically imprinted on you like a damn puppy dog."

"Yeah, but… you've grown since then."

"Yeah, I have grown. When I was a little kid, I never even questioned whether what I had was love or just obsession, I just let it drive me. It's only now that I've begun to question things." She squeezed my hand, sending that little shiver down my arm that it always did. "I was going to throw myself at you I some crazy bid to "lock" you into this relationship… maybe even get you to question if you shouldn't just stay here with me instead of spending time with the parents who were gone for so much of your life and going out to experience this world. You know how much I dream of travelling, how could I deny you something like that?"

"Can I admit something to you, Helga?"

"Knock yourself out, Arnoldo. I have kind of been monopolizing the conversation here."

"A part of me was kind of hoping you were going to do something like that."

"Whoa, no kidding."

"Yeah… I'm not the saint everyone makes me out to be. In fact… when you texted me, I kinda slipped into a daydream about you doing exactly that."

"Did you now," she teased. "And what was that like?"

"You were in your mutant form and wearing the Leia bikini."

"Interesting choice," she said, smirking. "You clearly have exotic tastes."

"Maybe I should tell you about the dream where you were a giant spider from the waist down." I chuckled. "I might have some issues of my own I need to work out."

"Apparently I don't have enough limbs," she joked. "It would be so much easier, wouldn't it?" she mused. "You staying here with your grandparents, nothing changing, Everything just going on the way it's been."

"Yeah… it would. I could still talk to my parents, convince them to let me stay here-"

"And then what? What if we get accepted to different colleges? What then? Sooner or later, we… and by that I mostly mean me… are going to have to learn to deal with separation. And that's why I think what we both need is a clean break. Not putting this off for another two years, none of this 'long distance relationship' limbo garbage. Just… cutting it off. Living without each other."

"If you're really sure this is what you want…"

"I'm sure it's what I need to grow as a… person… oh my god, this is me becoming mature, isn't it." She fell back on the bed, groaning. "Aggggghhh! I hate this! Why do I have to grow up and be a mature responsible individual?"

"Would you rather be like Oskar?" I teased, putting a hand on her leg.

She swatted it away. "Oh, don't even joke about that." She sat up. "Don't ever joke about that."

"Seriously, though," I said, "I think the fact that you would even think about this sort of thing shows that you were never as clingy and obsessive as you thought you were."

"Oh, I dunno…. I've done some pretty nasty things to people I thought you were interested in. Just ask Ruth and Lila and that one blonde chick whose name I can never remember and- well, I never did get around to slipping that laxative into Maria's lunch, but I was thinking about it…"

"You were nine then. I think this proves that you've grown a lot."

"*sigh* I know, it suuuuuuucks." She swatted me with a pillow. "Even now part of me is screaming 'let's just run off and get marred!'"

I laughed. "I'm not even 16 yet."

"There's still a few states that would let us do it. I mean, we could be on a bus to Kansas like *snap* that."

I shrugged. "I don't remember that working out all that well for Romeo and Juliet."

"To be honest, I don't remember much about that play past that kiss. I wanna say… they live happly ever after and start a small bed-and-breakfast in Moderna?"

"Sure, let's just go with that. So, uh… I guess this is it, huh."

"Well, tomorrow it is. Until your plane leaves, we are still technically boyfriend and girlfriend."

"In that case, would you like to come downstairs? There's a going-away party going on, and I'm pretty sure my folks would like to say goodbye to you. It is kind of thanks to you they're here, after all."

"Are you so sure about that? I am the one giving you R-rated daydreams…"

"It's not like we have to describe them in great detail. Besides, they're biologists. They probably expect me to have them."

"Maybe, but they're also parents, and parents just can't deal with that kind of thing logically. I swear Bob still thinks I'm 12. If I told him you were fantasizing about me like that, he'd probably run you over with the hummer."

"Yikes. Lets not, then."

"Well, duh, I like you the way you are…. Living." She took my hand. "C'mon, let's go say goodbye to you."

Groening International Airport, the next day

-HELGA-

Well, this was it. Ready or not, in less than half an hour, Arnold would be getting on a plane and out of my life for a year.

Phil and Gertie had let me tag along in the Packard to say one last goodbye to Arnold and his parents. And so, here we were in the waiting area while they waited for the boarding call, sipping our overpriced airport Moonpenny's lattes and trying to find the perfect words to say, but failing and just engaging in small talk.

Finally, the call came to board. "Well, I guess this is it," he said, getting up.

"Yeah, ready, or not, here you go…" I said. "You… are okay with this, right? Me ending it?"

"I really don't see it as an ending," he said. "More like… hitting pause."

"A year is a long time," I reminded him. "And there are a lot of pretty girls out there."

"Yeah, but none of them are you, though. There's no way I'd ever find a replacement who can compete with you."

"Oh, I'm sure they have plenty of mental hospitals down there," I joked. "You know, running off to Kansas is still on the table. But, no, wat, then we'd have to be in Kansas… no, no, this is better."

He laughed back. "Seriously, we don't have to be strangers, right? We can write, and Skype, and I'll probably come visit for Christmas at least, so, y'know, we won't entirely be strangers…"

"Well, duh, Football-Head, I don't wanna entirely cut you out of my life… I just think time apart'll help us." I hugged him. "Take care of yourself, Arnoldo. Don't go getting yourself captured by river pirates."

"You too," he said, hugging back. "Don't go getting abducted by aliens."

"Our lives are sooooo messed up," I responded. We shared one last, kiss. "Goodbye."

I watched him and his parents board the plane, and continued to watch as the plane took off into the distance. I continued to continue to watch until the tiny speck that represented it finally vanished from sight.

"AGGGH! I broke up with him! What was I THINKING?"

A.N.: Yep, bait and switch! Sorry, but I don't really feel comfortable writing underage sex. One day, they will be ready. This is not that day.

Jose: Still think it's the perfect gift?

Querpyblah: No lemons, sorry. Maybe someday. When they're older. Not now. As for Arnold leaving, I actually think that was a very important factor in why I wanted to see The Patakis. I wanted to see Helga learning to live without him, and how she develops as a person without being driven by her obsession. That's a big part of why I'm writing this.

Next: Actually, I've really been neglecting "Hey Miraculous!" (mostly because it feels like nobody's actually reading it), but I really should do a chapter of that. Afterwards, though, we'll be picking up on Helga's first day of single life, in "Moving On".