Chapter 4
Ripping the Band-Aid Off
-HELGA-
So. I broke up with Arnold.
I. Broke Up. With Arnold.
I broke up.
With Arnold.
No matter how many times I repeated those words to myself, they just didn't seem to make any sense. I could just say them in whatever random order I chose and they'd be just as intelligible to me. Broke Arnold with up I. With broke I up Arnold. I broke up with Arnold. See? All gibberish to me.
It was for the greater good, I had told myself. This is something you needed to do, I told myself. You don't need Arnold, I told myself.
Myself was having none of that. Myself felt like I had just reached inside of me and yanked out all of my vital organs, leaving me an empty shell of a person. Empty shells have no use for logic and reason.
Once the realization had hit me that I really had done the unthinkable and he really had left and he really was gone from my life, the next sequence of events seemed to play out as f I was binge-watching a season of my own life, and not intently, just sort of having it on in the background while I was doing other things, so that I got the general sense of what was going on but if you asked me to give you details I'd be drawing a blank.
What I can definitely tell you was that at some point I left the airport with Phil and Pookie, who gave me a ride back to the apartment I shared with my mom (we moved out of the boarding house a couple of years ago; just as well, I mean, this was going to be excruciating enough without having be reminded of him every day due to living in his damn house); I let myself in, grabbed some random edible thing from the fridge and stared at it for a bit before putting it back; I dragged myself to my room, opened my latest notebook, grabbed my trusty purple pen, and wrote absolutely nothing for an hour, checked my phone, saw texts from a bunch of people, ignored them, changed out of my human form, not really bothering to change into my hero uniform, flew to the dump, rammed my fists into the wreckage of a '91 Taurus until my knuckles were sore while I let out a shriek that banshees would envy, flew home, flopped into bed, and shut off.
Yeah… this should do nicely for the next month.
-PHOEBE-
I knew something was wrong when Helga didn't respond to the first three texts after Arnold's departure. I knew something was really wrong when she replied to my fourth, two days later, with "Helga go bye-bye".
When she'd told me three nights ago that she had decided to break it off with Arnold for the duration of his expatriacy, she had seemed to be in a positive frame of mind. I suspected at the time that she may have been putting up a front, but I was willing to let it slide at the time because I was so proud of her mature outlook. I probably should have guessed that once Arnold's departure became a reality, things would be different.
In any case, I expected a bit of cellular silence post-breakup, but almost two full days followed by that cryptic text concerned me. I contacted the other girls to see if they'd gotten similar responses to their overtures; Rhonda had simply gotten a middle-finger emoji and the rest, nothing.
I resolved, then, that as the only one to receive more than a single-symbol reply, it was my duty to determine exactly what Helga's emotional state was and what, if anything, could be done to remedy it.
I departed for Helga's early in the morning, before Miriam had left for the day. When I arrived, Miriam looked at me as if someone had thrown her a life preserver. "Oh, thank goodness," she said. "Maybe you can shake her out of that funk she's in."
"She's really out of it, then?"
"I know losing that boyfriend of hers must have been rough on her, but it's like all the life just drained out of her. I can't bear to see her just… lying around moping all day. Hits a little too close to home."
Well, hat went without saying, didn't it. I headed down the hall and attempted to open the door, but she'd locked it. I gave a light knock. "Helga? It's Phoebe. Are you awake?"
"Maybe," came the reply. "s'kinda hard to tell anymore."
"Can… I talk to you?"
"It's a free country. C'mon in."
"I would but… the door is locked."
"Oh. Yeah. So it is."
I waited. "Are… you going to unlock it?" I finally asked after some time had passed.
"*sigh* Might as well, since you can't seem to take a hint…" she groaned. The sounds of reluctant footsteps slowly approached the door, then the sound of a lock being opened, as the door slowly swung open to reveal a disheveled, t-shirt-and-sweatpants-clad Helga regarding me with dead eyes. I winced at the scent of two days' worth of collected musk.
"Phew," I said. "You haven't showered at all, have you?"
She shrugged. "What's the point? I'm just gonna stink again. Not like I got anyone to smell good for, anyway."
"I can still smell you!" I corrected.
"You can handle it," she replied dismissively. "And I'm not planning on going anywhere, so it's not like anyone else is gonna have to put up with it."
"And how long do you plan on staying here?"
"Mmm… I was thinking… forever."
My eyes widened. "Forever? That's impossible!"
"Yeah, you're probably right. They'll probably force me to go back to school in the fall, but until then, I'm staying right here."
"The whole summer?"
"Yup. Just gonna lie here, doing jack squat, basting in my own juices. Seems like a good use of my time."
"Oh, come on! What about our summer plans? What about the fair? The music festival? Summerween? I think Rhonda even has some big beach trip planned for the gang."
"Oh, right… all the things I was planning to do with Arnold. There won't be any painful reminders there, no sirree. Nope… I think I'm just gonna spend the summer right here in my bed."
"You don't mean that." I protested.
She flopped back down on it. "Watch me. I mean… what's stopping me? Don't have a job. Don't need a job. Got everything I need right here."
"What about Temper?"
"What about her? Does this city really need four superheroes?"
On his floating barge headquarters, Monkeyman suddenly stirred.
"Somehow, I feel as if I've been – Monkeyman – insulted," he said to no one.
"I'm sure the rest of you girls can pick up the slack."
"No," I said. "I refuse to let you remain here, wallowing in your own funk, both emotional and olfactory!" I declared. "I swear, I shall find a way to drag you out of here, even if it has to be kicking and screaming!" I turned on my heels and strode out, a plan already in the opening stages of formation."
"'Kay, good luck with that, Helga replied apathetically, waving me off.
Upon leaving the house, the first thing I dd was send out a mass text
Emergency meeting, it said. My place. One hour.
And so, once the allotted time had passed, Rhonda, Nadine, Sheena, Lila, Patty, Rani, and I were all assembled in my living room.
"I'm sure you're wondering why I called you all here today," I began.
"Helga?" asked Lila.
"Obviously Helga," replied Rhonda, rolling her eyes.
"Yeah, it's clearly something to do with Helga," agreed Sheena.
"…well, yes," I admitted. "I didn't expect you to guess it so fast. I had this entire preamble prepared explaining the whole thing."
"Well, she's the only one not here," pointed out Patty. "Who else is it going to be?"
"She's not the only one not here," I replied, a bit disappointed I wouldn't get to do my entire introduction. "I didn't invite Gloria."
"Because we all hate her," Rani replied. "Lousy boyfriend-stealing little shit," she muttered under her breath.
"Hey. Stinky's loss," Nadine assured. "You're too good for him."
"Is that what this meeting's about? Are we plotting to humiliate Gloria? I want a piece of that action," asked Rani hopefully.
"Later. Right now, we need to discuss Helga."
"Yes," agreed Rani. "She's the best at thinking up revenge plots. We need her."
"…that brings us to why I called us together," I continued. "I went over to see her this morning, and she's taking the breakup very badly."
"Breakup?" asked Lila confusedly. "What break-up?"
"You know… the break-up with Arnold?" I asked incredulously. They all responded with blank expressions. "Seriously, am I the only one she told about it?"
"Arnold broke up with her?" Rhonda replied, appalled. "How could he? I can't believe he would be the kind of person who would simply do that to someone. You think you know a guy…"
"No, no," I corrected, "Helga was the one who broke up with Arnold. Apparently she didn't want to trap him in a long-distance relationship because she felt she was becoming too codependent…" I shook my head. "She seemed so positive when se told me, but when I talked to her this morning, it was as if she was a hollow shell of herself."
"Well, really, it sounds like something she just needs to work through on her own," Rhonda reasoned. "I'm not sure you needed to call the whole girl posse together for that."
I had foreseen someone raising this sort of objection. Fortunately, I knew exactly how to sway Rhonda. "She was wearing… sweat pants."
"Oh, the poor dear!" she gasped. "Clearly, she is hurting deeply! Something must be done!"
"And that's why we are here. What we need to do is show Helga there is more to who she is than just her lifelong obsession with Arnold.
"I assume you have a plan?" Nadine asked.
Did I have a plan. Please. Smirking, I opened my PearBook.
"Oh, shock of shocks, she's got a slideshow," snarked Rani. "When did you even have time to put that together?"
"There's always time to be organized," I informed her. Now then…"
-HELGA-
So, so far, today, I'd gone nowhere, and done nothing. All in all, a blissfully unproductive day, with many more to look forward to. This being a hollow husk of a person was easier than I'd thought.
I hadn't spent the entire day in bed, of course. In the early afternoon, I'd gotten thirsty, so I dragged my carcass downstairs to drink something. Mom had left half a pitcher of (virgin, of course), strawberry-banana smoothie in the fridge. The sweet taste and smooth texture actually did help my mood for a little bit, and I returned to my room determined to actually accomplish something. Maybe I'd finally be able to write something.
That determination evaporated the second I picked up my pen and notebook and the words that I had hoped to create just would not come no matter how hard I tried to find them. Dejected, I cast aside the impotent instruments of creation and sank back into bed, distracting myself with online cat videos. Is there any better way to waste your life than watching cat videos? I haven't found one.
I don't know how long, nor particularly care for that matter, how long I laid there, but eventually nature called. Now, I'm far gone… but I'm not that far gone. Grudgingly, I picked myself up and began the wearing trudge to the bathroom.
PHOEBE: I've known Helga a very long time, and during that time, I've come to notice some things… one among them being that her bladder is extremely predictable. Every day, at precisely 5:17 PM, she goes to the bathroom. That is our window of opportunity. Now, the first thing we need to do is secure her.
SHEENA: Wait… secure her? Just what are we doing?
PHOEBE: Oh, I thought I mentioned that already. This is going to be an old-fashioned friend kidnapping.
LILA: This… seems like ever-so-bad an idea.
When I opened the door, the last thing I'd expected to see was Phoebe standing there.
"Criminy, Pheebs, I thought I told you that I'm committed to this whole wallowing thi-"
"I'm very sorry about this, but it's for your own good," she interrupted, raising her fists. For the first time, I noticed she was wearing a pair of her costume gauntlets. The ones that fires restraining straps.
"Pheebs, what the hell are-"
"I'm sorry I'm sorry!" she tearfully apologized as she launched a pair of restrainer straps that wrapped tightly around me. "Okay, now!" Suddenly, Rhonda and Lila rushed in carrying a huge sack.
"Oh, no," I protested. "There is no way you're doing what I think you're doing."
PHOEBE: Usually, I use my magnetic abilities to control my restrainer straps, but they can be pre-programmed to do simple things like constrict. In any case, they should immobilize Helga long enough for Rhonda and Lila to run in and throw the sack over her head.
LILA: Wait, why am I doing that?
PHOEBE: Because you and Rhonda are physically the strongest of us with the exception of Patty, who will be needed to drive the getaway vehicle. Now, once Helga is properly secured, we three will carry her downstairs, where Patty will be waiting…
-PHOEBE-
"I can't believe you're doing what I thought you were going to do!" yelled Helga, writhing violently in our grasp, her voice barely muffled by the burlap sack we were carrying her in. "When I get out of here, I swear to every demon in hell that I will make you all suffer!"
"Gosh, she sounds just like her old self already!" suggested Lila. "Perhaps this isn't necessary after all? Maybe we can just… let her go now?"
"Are you crazy?" Rhonda retorted. "We let her out now, she'll kill us!"
"Oh, I'm certain she wouldn't kill us…"
"Well… she wouldn't kill me… probably," I reasoned. "You, I'm not so sure. Rhonda's borderline. She might let her off with a maiming." I was joking, of course. Mostly.
They'd regenerate any limbs Helga tore off anyway.
The three of us carried the struggling Helga to the getaway vehicle (okay, actually it's just Patty's parents' catering van, but it has wheels, a motor and storage space, so it would do). The other two girls took Helga into the back while I slipped into the shotgun seat next to Patty. "Gun it," I demanded.
"Where exactly are we going, anyway?"
"Mighty Pete. The others are waiting for us there. Sorry to drag you into this, but you are the only one of us that has both a license and a vehicle."
"It's fine," she said calmly. "I always did love heist movies. This is my chance to live one. Lucky my parents are away and left me the keys. So, uh… have you thought about what you're going to do when we have to let her out?"
"Of course I have," I said. "We're following up this old-fashioned friend kidnapping with an old-fashioned friend intervention."
A.N.: Sorry about these short chapters, but it's been a while since I posted an update to this story and this felt like a good point to cut off.
Jose: The SHAZAM reference was unintentional. It was actually a His Dark Materials reference.
Next: Intervention.