Chapter 5

Intervention

-HELGA-

So, here's the situation. I'm having myself a perfectly good wallow and Phoebe just can't respect that, so she goes and has me kidnapped.

This is the life I lead. I get up to use the bathroom and get ambushed by my best friend, my emergency-backup best friend and my person I've kinda learned to tolerate, tied up with magnetic straps, stuffed in a sack and schlepped downstairs. Then I get thrown in what I assume is the back of a van. It feels kind of cold… refrigerated? Did they rope the Jolly Olly Man into this? No, that'd be much colder. Maybe a catering van? Patty's folks are caterers, did they drag her into this whole scheme? I have to say… I'm actually kind of impressed Phoebe came up with all this. Oh, I'm pissed, don't get me wrong, but she's got my grudging respect.

Being that I was all strapped up and sacked, I really ad nothing to do but wait and see how it all played out. But that didn't mean I couldn't scare them a little.

"You realize the second I get out of this I'm going to kill you, right?"

"I knew this was a terrible idea," Lila whimpered.

"This is for her own good, remember," Rhonda replied. "Show some conviction."

"Surely we could have done this without committing a felony, though?"

"Oh, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that," I said.

"It's not really a felony… wait, is it?" Rhonda seemed to be rethinking her own commitment to the scheme. "Can we get arrested for this? Am I going to have to explain this to at my college interview?"

"Don't worry about it," I said. "You probably won't live that long." I heard Lila let out a squeak in response.

The van slowly pulled to a stop and I heard the doors open. "All right, we're here," I heard Phoebe say.

"I'm suddenly realizing this was not the best idea," Rhonda replied nervously.

"Suck it up, Lloyd!" Phoebe snapped. "We're in too deep to back out now! Now grab her legs and help me get her into the dumbwaiter!"

The dumbwaiter? Were we at the treehouse? We haven't used that thing since the sixth grade! Jut what was this plan all about, anyway?

I felt myself hoisted unceremoniously and placed in what I assume was the dumbwaiter's basket. My assumption was confirmed by the sensation of my berth being hoisted upward.

"They actually went and did it," I heard Rani say. Just how many people were in on this?

"Help me get her into the chair," Nadine told her. Her participation at least made sense; as Rhonda's girlfriend she was kind of at best-friend-in-law status like Gerald, though I got along with her a bit better.

Once seated, I felt the sack finally lifted off me. I squinted at the assault of the sunlight streaming in through the treehouse's windows. Spending nearly two days in a dark room'll do that to you, I guess. When my vision cleared up, I could see Nadine, Sheena, Rani, Lila, Phoebe, Rhonda and Patty surrounding me, their faces a mixture of concern and nervousness.

"Phew… you weren't kidding. She reeks," commented Rani.

"Thanks," I said. "I'm really glad you decided to share that with me."

"Are you sure we really needed to do this?" Rani asked, turning back to Pheobe. "She seems like her usual surly self to me."

"Why are you part of my friend group again?" I asked. I really, really didn't hang out much with Rani at all. She was more Rhonda and Lila's friend than mine. Phoebe probably figured she needed to fill out this intervention or whatever it was with some extra bodies.

"Shh," Phoebe interrupted. "Helga… you know I wouldn't have gone to such lengths if I didn't think it was absolutely necessary, but I found your behavior this morning extremely disturbing. I know Arnold's departure has been difficult for you, but to see you regress to such a passive, listless state was very distressing to me. I knew drastic measures had to be taken to remind you just who it is you are, and if that meant having to anger you… well, that anger is very much a part of Helga Pataki."

"Well, you did piss me off, I'll give you that," I said. "For a while, anyway." The initial rush of rage was cooling and rushing in to replace it was the dulling sense of ennui that had been overwhelming me since Arnold's departure had finally sunk in. "But I'm kinda not feeling it any more."

"Oh, come on!" Rhonda retorted. "We frickin' kidnapped you! Doesn't that annoy you?"

"….eh," I said. "Really, you guys are better off with me like this. No need to tiptoe around my hair-trigger temper all the time." I glanced around.

"While it's true you have something of a… short fuse," Phoebe replied evenly, "it's that very fire within you that makes you the person we all love and respect."

"Mostly respect," Rani interjected. Criminy, I think this is the most she's said to me all year.

"Helga's right," Sheena added. There's more to you than just anger… there's determination and courage. That's why we're starting here, at Mighty Pete. Remember that time you stood up with us against your father to save this tree?"

"I only did that to piss off my dad," I protested,

"That was your excuse at the time, yes," Phoebe commented. "But I suspect the truth was quite different."

She was right, I had to admit. That had just been an excuse; the truth was, something in me wanted to do something right… not even for Arnold, but because it was the right thing to do. "I guess that was a pretty good day." I paused. "Wait, you said we're starting here? There's more of this?"

"Well, yeah… this is just step one on the whole 'Helga is actually pretty awesome' tour." Rhonda said. "We've got a bunch more to go."

I sighed. "And you're not gonna let me go until we're done with it, are you?"

"'Fraid not," Nadine said, grinning.

"…fine, let's just get it over with. Can I at least use the bathroom before we move on to the next stop?" I was really lucky this place had indoor plumbing.

"That seems reasonable," Phoebe said, releasing my restraints. Thank god for that… being tied to a chair was giving me bad flashbacks to the time Nick Vermicelli kidnapped me a few years back..

"Take a shower, too," Rhonda added, handing over a shopping bag. "We too the liberty of bringing a change of clothes."

"How thoughtful," I said semi-sarcastically.

"Please, as if I'd let my friend be seen in public in sweatpants."

It's really remarkable the difference a shower makes. Just feeling less gross was a huge improvement in my mood; granted, that still didn't mean I was feeling good, but at least I felt somewhat like a person now, clean, hair washed, in clothing that wasn't housing bacteria colonies on the verge of developing sentience. Honestly, I could just leave and go back home now, but the girls were pretty determined to force me to go on this tour of theirs, so I might as well see where it takes me.

Our first stop wasn't far from Mighty Pete, a seemingly nondescript brownstone on Vine Street. "Okay," I asked, "what exactly should I be looking at here?"

Phoebe cleared her throat. "Okay, Nadine, this is your part of the presentation. Go ahead."

"You actually wrote a whole script for this thing, didn't you." I remarked.

"There's no shame in being organized," she replied, a bit snippily. "Nadine, continue."

Nadine took a deep breath, unused to speaking on any subject that didn't involve way too many legs. "I'd like to call everyone's attention to the plaque on the side of this building. 'July 24, 1847. On this date, this spot was the location of what came to be known as the Tomato Incident, an important event in the foundation of what would eventually become the Oregon Territory.' Six years ago, this neighborhood was targeted for demolition to make way for FutureTech industries' mega-mall. Arnold and Gerald set off to find proof that this spot was the location of the Tomato Incdent, but their efforts would have failed without Helga securing video evidence of Alphonse Scheck destroying the documents that proved it. She did this despite the fact that her own family would've benefited from the mall's construction."

"Oh, lord… this is what this whole thing's gonna be, isn't it. You're gonna schlepp me to each of these places and give a whole spiel about how I did something selfless. Well, you picked a doozy to start with. Number one, it turns out that my dad's partner was going to cheat hm out of the business, so I wouldn't have benefited at all from the mall. Number two, he probably would've gone out of business soon even if he hadn't been cheated. And number three, some other company wound up bulldozing some other neighborhood for mega-mall anyway!"

"Yeah, but it wasn't our neighborhood," pointed out Rhonda. "And, face it, this would have been a terrible location for a mall anyway. Traffic is terrible. The West Side was a much better site. And they've got some seriously choice boutiques there. Why, just a couple of days ago, I found this-"

"You're getting off-topic, dear," Nadine interrupted, elbowing her. "The point is that the eventual consequences aren't important, what is is that when it came down to it, you did the right thing."

"Yeah, okay, fine," I said, embarrassed and eager to move on. "So what's next on this stupid tour?"

"You'll see," Lila answered enigmatically.

"You took me here?" I asked, confused. "But isn't this where…"

"…I went on a rampage when I got possessed, yes," Lila confirmed. "Look over there…. There's still a scorch mark on the pavement from where you threw a fireball at me."

"But didn't that result in the three of us beating the ever-loving bejeezus out of you? Why would you take me someplace like that?"

"True, that did happen. Of course, I wasn't exactly using my body at the time, but I didn't really feel it until afterward.

"Still… wasn't that kind of a low point in your life?"

"Helga… it's because of you I still have a life. If you hadn't given me that emergency transfusion of alien blood, I'd have bled to death in Rhonda's ballroom and I wouldn't be here talking to you. And you did that for me when, let's be honest… you couldn't stand me."

"Whaaaaat? No… you're talking crazy talk. I never hated you… not… really… well, maybe a little…"

"You did the same for me when that assassin shot me.' Rhonda added. "You protected me and stabilized me and helped the doctor get the bullet about me. And you didn't like me much more than you did Lila at the time."

"I mean… I'm not like… gonna leave people to die or anything. I'm not a monster… I just… look like one sometimes." I blushed. This was getting really corny. "Look, if I promise not to turn back into a lump, can we end this and go get some dinner or something? I'm kinda starving."

"Oh, no you don't." Phoebe declared. "We're doing the whole thing and you're going to be there for every minute of it."

"You know, if being a brain surgeon or rocket scientist doesn't work out for you, you have a brilliant future ahead of you in the field of torture."

"Well, this is what you get for worrying me like that. Don't ever do it again."

"Right, okay, I'm stumped for this one… this is just some random intersection."

"It's strange you don't remember what happened here, Helga," Rhonda said. "You had a pretty good view of the intersection when our float almost crashed into that building over there."

"Float...? Wait, is this where- what IS it with you girls and dragging me to the locations of horribly traumatizing events? First, a place where I almost got bulldozed, then a place I almost died in a runaway bus crash, then a place where I got pummeled by a demon, and now a place where I almost die in a runaway float wreck? Is this supposed to not make me want to hide in my room all summer?"

"Look… the repeated near-death experiences are just a coincidence. The main point of this was that we built an awesome float and it won first prize and t was thanks to you securing the funding. The fact that we all nearly got killed was just window dressi-" She sighed. "Ah, forget it, Phoebe, this one was a dud. I really hope this surprise finale you've got cooked up can make up for it."

Surprise? What surprise could Phoebe have possibly planned? Sure, she knew me better than anyone else here, but a lot of that was me at my worst. What could it possibly-

…no.

Is she really going to reveal what I think she's going to reveal?

"The… hall of records?" asked Rani. "Is your big secret that Helga's incredibly boring?"

Phoebe took a deep breath. "This is the site of what I think is the most wonderful thing Helga's done. I'll say no more about it. It's a very personal thing, and I'm pretty sure Arnold and I are the only ones she ever told about it. It's not my place to reveal, but she knows exactly what I'm talking about, and she knows what I mean when I say this is the place that most brings to mind what kind of person Helga Pataki is."

I'm not crying.

I am absolutely not crying.

I swear to god I am absolutely not crying.

Oh, fuck it, one tear. One.

"Thanks," I said, hugging Phoebe. "For not mentioning it."

"Whoa," Rani said. "Helga Pataki hugging someone in public."

"Tell anyone about this and I swear to you I'll use your guts for fishing tackle."

Rani gulped. "I don't actually believe you'd do that, but I don't wanna risk it."

"Good girl. So… is that it? Are we all done now? Patty doesn't have a thing? Are you gonna get Katrinka to call in from Boulder?"

"I just wanted to make it clear to you that while Arnold may have left, you're not alone. You have plenty of people who care about you. More than you think. And we're not going to let you sink into despair, no matter how much you want to."

"Yeah, yeah… sisterhood forever, feels feels feels, are we done?" Okay, so, yeah, I actually am really touched they all came out here to support me, but damned if I'm gonna show it. Well, more than I already have. That hug was gonna cost me cool points, I just know it."

Phoebe grinned. "Yes, Helga, we're done."

"Good, 'cause I wasn't joking about being starved. I think we're pretty close to Taco Loco. C'mon, Rhonda's treating."

"I am?"

"Eh, you can afford it, Princess."

That night, when I finally got home, I picked up my notebook, and pen, and stared at the blank page once again.

Only, this time, I could feel the words flowing again, from my hearts to my fingers and onto the page.

When I was done, an hour later, I had filled three whole pages with a poem about an elm who fell in love with a robin that perched upon her branches (yes, I know, trees are hermaphrodites, shut up, it's a metaphor). Only to lose him when he flew south for the winter. The whole last page was just the elm repeating "I am alone" and the rocks, grass, flowers, squirrels, bugs etc. telling her she wasn't.

"Wow… this is awful," I mumbled to myself. But at least it was something. I wasn't one hundred percent, but at least my voice was back.

A. N.: Originally, Phoebe was going to reveal the who "Arnold's Christmas" incident here, but I realized that it would be far too personal, so I just had her allude to it in a way only Helga would get.

If anyone is wondering who Rani Patel is supposed to be, she was a minor character from the original Body Issues who was Stinky's crush at the time. I didn't really do a ton with her but I'm hoping to flesh her out a bit more in this series when I have the chance.

Jose: Yeah, they were very lucky that Helga was as cooperative as she was.

Wonko: As established in the original BI, when the girls were mutated, some of their physical flaws were corrected; Helga no longer has her strawberry allergy and Phoebe and Rhonda no longer need glasses (Phoebe wears them in her civilian identity, but she's just Clark Kenting).

See you next time!