Chapter 6

Going Medieval

Hillwood Fairgrounds, Early July

-HELGA-

I had a ton of plans for the summer. One of the first things on my to-do list was the annual Renaissance fair, starting the first full weekend in July. For five days, the fairgrounds would be transformed into a scene out of a storybook. Arnold and I were gonna hang out, gorge ourselves (well, myself) on roasted meats and just generally goof on everything.

But Arnold's in San Lorenzo. And so, I find myself instead serving as third wheel to Gerald and Phoebe, Normally, I hate being in this sort of situation but Phoebe insisted on me coming along, and, well, it was actually kind of touching that she was so eager to include me. Besides… I really didn't want to sink back into my loner act.

All in all, my mood had improved a bit since the intervention. I was leaving the house more, writing more… and better. I'd even reworked that lonely elm poem I'd written into a short story and submitted it to a local scholastic literary newsletter, just on a whim. I didn't expect it to be published or anything, but hey, what did I have to lose?

"You know," I said, "if you guys wanna go off somewhere and be gross with each other and all, it's fine. I can handle being by myself. My curling up in a stinky ball days are over."

"Sounds like a plan t'me," Gerald agreed. "Whattaya say, babe? I could be your knight, and you could me my lady."

"To be honest, I find this entire display appallingly inaccurate. This claims to be a Renaissance fair, yet it includes elements from the so-called Dark and Middle Ages with very few nods to the actual Renaissance era. Truth told, this should bill itself as the "Generalized Old-Timey Hodgepodge Fair". What's more, it's quite the sanitized version of the era. Nowhere will you see the rampant filth and disease, the widespread exploitation of the masses by the landed aristocracy, the widespread misogyny…"

"Yeah, sure is a shame they left all that out," I remarked sarcastically. "And here I was looking forward to hitting up the 'Black Plague Experience' booth."

"I'm just saying… were this the actual medieval era, I very much doubt whether Gerald or I would be very welcome here at all, and you would likely be well on your way to dying in childbi- oh, I'm doing it again, aren't I," she realized, blushing. "I'm killing the vibe by overanalyzing things."

"You do know how to bring a room down," I agreed. "Actually, it kinda would be cool if they had a "Bring out'cher dead' guy pulling a cart filled with plague victims."

Phoebe giggled. "I suppose it would be both amusing and historically accurate."

"It could be like a hayride. But with corpses."

"Well, if I had any romantic feelings left, Pataki, you just murdered them," Gerald grumbled. "Thanks a lot."

"Oh, c'mon, I didn't mean it," I said, digging out my wallet. "Look, you guys go take in a joust or something, my treat. Nothin' like watchin' knights run into each other packing giant phallic objects to get the mood back, right?"

"Helga, are you sure you'll be okay on your own?" Phoebe asked.

"She's a big girl, Phoebe," Gerald advised. "She doesn't need you to nursemaid her."

"Yeah, I'll be fine, Pheebs. You don't have to worry about me. Really. I've got plenty to do here on my own."

"If you're sure…" Phoebe asked uneasily.

"She's sure, she's sure," Gerald said, tugging Phoebe along.

"Bye!" I said. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do! Wait, scratch that. Don't do anything I would do."

And, like that, I was on my own. I briefly considered just ditching the fair altogether and catching a movie (Holy Terror IV: His KILL Be Done was playing at the Bijou, and I was eager to see if it lived up to the heights of Holy Terror III: Midnight Massacre), but the scent of roasting mutton and turkey beckoned me to stay. I set off in search of Ye Olde Vittles.

The stall was in sight when thought I heard a squeaky voice shout "HELGA!" I looked back, but I didn't see anyone. I returned to my trek toward the meat stall, when I heard my name called again. "WHAT?" I called back, whirling around, still seeing nothing. And then something wrapped around my legs and I realized I should have been looking down. I did so now, and discovered a little girl with black pigtails had anchored herself to me. I instantly recognized the face of Rhonda's little sister, Rhia, a little bundle of cuteness who for some reason has decided she absolutely adores me.

"Criminy, squirt," I complained, trying to shake my newfound parasite off. "Where'd you come from? Shouldn't someone have you on a leash or something?"

As if on cue, Rhonda shoved her way through the crowd. "There you are!" she said. "Stop running off Ri-Ri! If I lose you, mom's gonna kill me!"

"Look, Rhonda! I found her! Now she can come too!"

"Come too?" I said. "And where would I be going?"

"Rhonda says she's gonna take me to the costume tent an' we're gonna dress up as princesses and now you can come an' dress up with us!" She looked up hopefully."

"Uh uh," I said. "That is most definitely not happening."

"C'mon, Rhia. I told you she wouldn't be into it. Let's go before the line gets too long." She gav me an apologetic glance. "Sorry, it's Inga's day off and I've got her all morning until her play date in the afternoon."

"B-but I don't wanna do it if she won't be there," she whined, her lower lip beginning to quiver. Oh lord, don't make her start crying. Please don't let her start crying.

"Ri-Ri, I'm sorry…" No, too late. Rhia had reached sniffle mode. Full-on sobbing was rapidly approaching. Rhonda looked at me pleadingly. "She's… really not used to people telling her no. Look… I'll make this up to you, I swear…"

"P-please?" Rhia asked, tears welling. Crap. I could already feel my resolve eroding. Curse her adorableness. Curse it… NO! I have to be firm. "No. It's not happening."

And then the waterworks started. Oh, good move, Helga. You almost ruined Gerald and Phoebe's date and now you've made a little girl cry. This is a red-letter day for you.

"C'mon…" Rhonda cajoled, trying to pull her off me. "I'll do anything you want. I'll give you candy. No one has to know. It'll be our secret. Just… stop crying. Please." She glanced back at me, urgency in her eyes. Just do this one thing for me, those eyes said. I can't deal with this.

"Uh uh. There is no way I'm getting dressed up like a- OH CRAP! No! I didn't say the whole thing! It doesn't count if I didn't say the whole thing!"

"I can't believe it still counts if you don't say the whole thing," I adjusted the constricting bodice of my princess dress. "How did people breathe in these stupid things? It's like wearing a sardine can, but your boobs are the sardines!"

"Yeah, I don't remember being this uncomfortable back in fourth grade," Rhonda agreed. "Oh well… it's not for us, it's for Rhia."

"I can't believe I just spent an hour waiting on line and stuffing myself into this… frock." I grumbled. Why do I let me myself get roped into these things?

"If it makes you feel any better, you've made Rhia very happy."

"Well, it doesn't."

And then Rhia emerged from where the costume tent manager was helping her into her costume (which she absolutely rocked by the way) and launched herself at me for a hug. "Hiiiii, Princess Helga! She squealed. "I'm Princess Rhia! Very nice to meet you!"

Okay, it makes me feel a little better, I thought as I found myself involuntarily returning her smile. The kid wasn't all that bad, really. Sure she was sickeningly cute, but not in that obnoxious sitcommy way and she could actually pronounce the letter R, which was a rarity among almost-four-year-olds. Maybe if I'd had a little sister like her growing up, I wouldn't be the cynical harpy I am today. Maybe I'd even be as disgustingly cheerful as Ol- OH GOD NO! NO! CURSED THOUGHT! LEAVE MY MIND, FOUL NOTION!

"Wouldst thou care for a portrait to commemorate yon event?" asked the costume tent attendant, whose medieval garb contrasted dramatically with her heavy eyeliner and electric-blue hair. "I shall do so by means of this maaaagical device in which, no doubt, a tiny demon paints your pictures…. Though I fear it may also capture your soul…"

Rhonda rolled her eyes. "Oh, knock it off, Laura. You work in a video game store."

"Games… of video? What wonders do you speak of? Be you some kind of source- oh, forget it. You know, they make you talk like this, right?" She sighed. "Look, just remind your girlfriend to pick up her preorder of the new Ninja's Code, okay? It's been sitting in the reserve for two weeks and if she doesn't come get it soon, I have to put it back in inventory and she's out her deposit."

"Sure, all right."

"Please. I'm really looking forward to her stream."

"All right, all right! Yeesh. So, um… Helga, we don't have to take a picture if you don't want…"

"Aw…" pouted Rhia.

"I… guess one won't hurt," I conceded. "As long as it doesn't get out." I addressed Rhia. "Now, promise me you won't tell anyone we did this, right?"

"I promise," swore Rhia. "No one will ever know you're a secret princess."

Unfortunately for her, someone had seen Helga's semi-involuntary cosplay session through the backdoor of the tent. Surrepititiously, the observer pulled out their cel phone and snapped a quick pic of the girl. They had no use for it right now… but come the new school year, everyone would see it and Helga's reputation as the toughest chick in school would be a thing of the past. She would finally pay for the wrong she had done so many years ago.

Soon, I had extracted myself from the frilly dress and ridiculous hat, and was safely back in my jeans and pink hoodie. I vowed to myself that I would never be caught dead in something like that ever again. Arnold wouldn't mind if I got married in an old tracksuit, right?

….right. I am single. I am not supposed to be thinking about Arnold. I am supposed to be finding out what kind of person Helga Pataki is without him.

Apparently, that person is a boring person, because for the life of me I could not find a single interesting thing to do. After finally getting my hands on one of the giant turkey drumsticks from Mr. Green's booth and stripping it to the bone, there really wasn't anything here that was interesting me. I mean, what was there? I suppose I could watch Mrs. Vitello make candles or Ernie demonstrating blacksmithing. Throwing a few rotten turnips at Oskar in ye olde stocks was fun for a couple of minutes, but even hat lost its appeal.

I wondered if I should have let Phoebe and Gerald ditch me, or maybe tagged along with the Lloyd sisters… I'd probably still be bored, but I'd at least not be alone.

I continued to wander the fair, when Harvey, dressed as Ye Olde Town Crier, announced "Hear ye, hear ye! There will be a Live-Action Roleplaying session taking place in yon adjoining forest! If thou be'st interested, you can sign up at the both down yonder!"

LARP… that was nerds running around pretending to be wizards and crap like that. Ha. Imagine me, doing that sort of thing. I'd have to be really bored and desperate to even consider it…

…oh, that's right, I am really bored and desperate,

"Wow," squealed Eugene, dressed in a jester's outfit and carrying a lute, in delight. "I can't believe you, of all people, are gonna be joining us for this session! We are gonna have so much fun!"

"Yup," I deadpanned, "It's gonna be a regular hootenanny."

"It sure is!" he replied obliviously. "So, what's your character? I am Euphoricus, the jolly troubadour!"

"I am Helga, the annoyed teenager tramping around the woods with a bunch of dorks because I have nothing better to do. "

"Oh," he said. "That's… kind of creative. Well, we should be careful," he warned. "I've heard tell of legendary thief lurking in these woods." He began to strum his lute. "Oh, hark to the tale of Thaddy Hood, he steals from the bad and gives to the good, if ye be a foul knave and enter his pass, ye'll soon find an arrow sticking out of your-"

"Halt!" called a voice, as a familiar figure, clad in doublet, cape, feathered cap and mask leaped from behind a tree, brandishing a prop sword. "Be thou friend or – Helga?"

"The second one," I said. "Hey, Curly."

"You're going to be joining our session? You?"

"Yes, already! What's so hard to believe?"

"Well… um… everything about it?"

"Look, just because LARP is for turbo-dorks and I ordinarily wouldn't be caught dead doing it, doesn't mean I can't give it a try, right? So…" I rubbed my hands together. "Who else is attending this geek party?"

"Well… Sheena's supposed to meet us in the clearing… then there's Doug, Lenny, Todd, Dermott and Benjamin, they're all from my W&W club… that's Wizards & Wyverns, by the way…" explained Eugene.

"I know what W&W is… I'm not an idiot," I commented. Well, at least this wouldn't be a total sausagefest. There would be one fellow bit of estrogen in the ranks. "Well, let's go get this started then."

"Gosh, I'm really happy you're so eager to join us!" gushed Eugene. "I'm sure we'll all have lots of fun together."

"Stranger things have happened," I commented sardonically.

"They sure have!" agreed Eugene obliviously. "Oh, look, someone else seeks to join our fair party!"

I turned to where he was pointing. A figure in medieval armor was approaching, pretending to ride a horse. It slowed its imaginary steed as it approached and lifted the visor of its helm.

"Oh, Eleanor!" The old woman inside asked. "Just what are you doing in the French countryside?"

"Pookie?" I asked. "You're into LARP too?" Hell, why should I be surprised? She practically did that kind of thing every day. Maybe this would be fun.

"Huh? Carp? No, I'm afraid I have no time to go fishing with you, Madame First Lady… I have to go liberate Orleans! Vive la France!" And with that, she charged off back down the path we had just came from.

God, I love that woman.

We arrived in the forest clearing within a few minutes. There was a tent staked here, most likely housing props, and a colloquy of nerds. I recognized Sheena immediately; she was dressed as some kind of elven shaman, complete with rubber Spock ears. You can still leave, I told myself. The Bijou awaits. Within half an hour you could be watching a deranged defrocked Catholic priest hacking stupid teenagers apart for the glorious fourth time.

The rest of those gathered were completely unfamiliar to me. One in particular, a portly fellow dressed as a wizard, complete with a long flowing white beard, was eyeing me with suspicion.

"Hail and well met, Euphoricus!" Sheena called, bowing slightly with fingers tented before her. "And greetings to you noble Thaddy Hood. Shariel greets you in the name of her majesty, the Elf Queen." Her eyes shifted to me, and she did a double take. "Helga?"

I sighed. "Yes, Helga! Criminy, is everyone going to act like it's some huge shock that I'd want to try something new?"

"Oh, um, well, it's not like we're not pleased to have you join us, it's just, you know…"

"What she means," interrupted the pudgy wizard, "is that it's unusual to see one such as you in our presence. Your kind usually doesn't acknowledge ours."

"And just… what exactly is my kind?" I asked, irritation growing.

"The so-called 'cool' kids," he responded with an air of superiority. "Attractive, popular, athletic. You think you're so much better than us."

I snickered. He thought I was one of the cool kids? Well… granted, it probably wasn't a hard feat to be cooler than him. But cool was not exactly something I ever considered myself. Tough, sure, but cool? "Boy, do you have the wrong customer,"

"Oh, don't be dense, Helga Pataki. I know exactly who you are. You hang our in the same circles as Rhonda Lloyd and Gerald Johanssen. You're one of the cool kids even if you don't know it. Even now, I bet you're just looking for an excuse to ditch us and do something much cooler."

…okay, to be fair, this was true. I had been using the words "dork" and "geek" a lot these past few minutes with people that I generally did consider friends. Granted, I hadn't gone into this with an open mind, but just looking to slum it.

But damned if this guy wasn't really starting to push my buttons.

"Are you saying… that I'm not geek enough to be here?"

"Todd, she-" Eugene began.

"Greybeard! Greybeard the Wise!" corrected Todd. "And yes… I am saying that she is quite unsuited to this gathering. Bad enough we let Thaddeus bring his girlfriend…" he added derisively.

"Hey!" protested Sheena. "I'm the one who signed us up for this!"

"Uh huh," Todd replied dismissively. Oh, so that's what was going on here. Truth told, I really was planning to ditch the party, but now I was gonna stick it out if only to spite Todd's misogynist ass.

"You listen here," I said, poking him in the beard. "I can geek it up with the best of 'em."

"Oh? And who are you supposed to be then? Patakis, the hoodie wearer?"

"You give me five minutes, I'll come up with a character that'll knock your socks off."

"Go ahead," he snorted "There are plenty of props and costumes in the tent. Do your best, Pataki."

"Oh, you can count on it." I pushed past him and into the tent, where I eyed the various items.

Staff, no… robe, not my style… Princess outfit, hard pass, I had plenty of that for the day…

Oho.

This… would do nicely.

When I exited the tent once again, I was wearing a faux-bronze breastplate and horned helmet and wielding a nasty-looking but fake battle axe. Not a golden magic slingshot, but it would do.

"Make way for Brunhelga, scourge of the Northern Seas!" I declared, hoisting my axe aloft. "The only thing greater than my lust for riches is my thirst for battle!"

"Wow, that's a really good character!" Eugene said admiringly. Some of the other ner- kids nodded along.

"You could say it came to me in a dream," I replied proudly.

"Hmmmph," scoffed Todd. "Derivative, but I suppose that's the best we can expect."

"Shame we can't all be as original as you, Gandalf," I snarked back. "So, now that we're all in character… how about we get this party started?"

"Well… while, technically, a party is the proper term for our battle group, you won't be finding this to be much of a celebration. Rest assured, I have prepared quite a grueling campaign for our little group. Come!" he announced, waving his staff, "We venture into the unknown! Adventure awaits!"

"So," I whispered to Eugene, "what exactly should I be expecting here? It seems like this isn't your first rodeo."

"Oh, you know… Todd's set up a bunch of carboard monsters in various placed in the forest and we engage them one at a time with coordinated attacks and spells…"

"Is he usually the one in charge?" I asked. "He seems kind of… a dick?"

"He's not that bad," Eugene answered. "Sure, he's kind of controlling, but he's the one with all the props and stuff, so we kinda just go along with-"

"Halt!" Todd interrupted. "We draw near to our first encounter… a mighty orc!" He gestured to a standee of a massive grey-skinned humanoid with a pig-like nose and tusks, wielding a club. "Be on alert. Eugenicus, rouse our spirits with a jaunty song! Bedevere," He addressed a guy dressed as a paladin, "circle around and attempt to outflank him from the rear! I shall begin preparing Magic Miss"

"Hya!" I launched myself at the cutout and swung my axe at its head, knocking it off. "Die, fiend!"

"Wow!" one of the geeks, dressed in a hooded jerkin, marveled. "That was quick!"

"Thanks," I said. "This is actually pretty fun. So, how much gold do we get?"

"You weren't supposed to do that!" Todd complained. "You were supposed to wait for my signal, and then-"

"-cut off its head?" I asked. "Well… mission accomplished. But a lot faster. So, what's next? Troll? Dragon? Let's do it!"

By the third encounter, Todd was absolutely fuming. "You can't keep doing this!" he complained.

"What?" I asked

"Just… charging in! That's not how we do things!"

"Well, it seems to be working very well."

"You're ruining it for everyone!" he spat.

"Are you sure?" I asked, indicating the party gleefully assaulting his carefully set-up "goblin horde". "Looks like everyone's doing fine except you."

"Y-you… you can't just waltz in here and take over!" he sputtered. "It took me hours to set all this up, and you just storm In here and start knocking things over and you expect me to be fine with it? This isn't how a real battle with monsters would go!"

"How the hell would YOU know?" I wasn't just angry for the sake of being angry. Out of this whole group, there was exactly one of us who had actually fought monsters, and it sure as hell wasn't him. Of course, I couldn't exactly tell him that, but that didn't mean I was just going to let him mansplain me the proper way of dealing with them. "When have you ever fought anything that wasn't imaginary? Face it… none of this is real!"

"IT"S REAL TO ME!" whined Todd, slamming his staff into the ground.

And then… shit got weird.

What I thought was a plastic gem on the tip of the staff began to glow.

"What the-" someone next to me started to say, but the display had only just begun. The staff began releasing a thick swirling mist that enveloped everything in sight. For his part, Todd seemed to be just as surprised as everyone else.

I felt a weird warm energy suffuse me as the magical mist engulfed us. A wave of disorientation passed over me and for a moment, I wasn't sure I could even feel my own body. And then… I was back, and there was a sudden heavy weight in my right hand.

I looked down. What once had been a plastic breastplate was now real bronze. Boots of a similar design adorned my feet. The helmet on my head was similarly far more authentic than it had been. And the axe in my hand now had a real heft to it, as if it was a real weapon.

"What in the fuck-" I mumbled to myself, as my fellow teens let out similar gasps. I looked around; Curly was now shocked to discover that his prop bow had been replaced by a real one, ditto Paladin Kid's sword. Sheena discovered with an astonished yelp that her elf ears were no longer rubber, but real.

"Todd!" I demanded, grabbing him by the robe and shaking him. "What the hell did you do?"

"I… I don't know!" He stammered. "I just wanted this to be real so badly and-"

"Well, UNWANT it!" I commanded,

"Okay," he whimpered, "I… I wish everything was normal again!" He banged the staff on the ground again, but nothing happened. "I wish we were all back in Hillwood!" Again. Nothing.

"Just where exactly did you get that staff?" I asked?

"I… I found it at this weird old pawnshop on Vine Street. I didn't know it was a real wizard staff at the time, okay? In fact, I didn't know there were real wizard staffs?"

"Uh, The plural is staves," corrected the paladin.

"Right," I said. "That's what was wrong with that whole sentence."

"Maybe… it won't work until we fulfill his original wish?" suggested Eugene. "I bet if we see his campaign through to the end, everything'll go back to normal."

"That… makes sense." I begrudgingly conceded. Gahhh, I hate magic. "Okay, 'Greybeard', you're the one who planned this whole thing out… what comes next?"

"Well…. I had a troll set up due east of here." He said nervously, clearly upset that this whole situation had gotten away from him. Good, I thought. That'll teach you to dabble in dark magicks. And to be a sexist dick.

"Okay, you heard him," I said. "Let's go east and smash his stupid troll, then move on to the-"

"Wait!" Sheena warned. "If all our costumes and weapons are real, then that probably means-"

THUMP.

I did not like the sound of that.

The thumping grew louder, as did the sound of trees breaking. I liked the sound of that even less.

"-that the monsters are also real," I finished, as a massive green creature broke through the treeline, ready to bring his mace down on our soft squishy bodies.

I really fucking hate magic.

A.N.: Well, it's been pretty straightforward until now, so we were about due for some serious weirdness!

Helga's character, of course, is a nod to the classic episode "What's Opera, Arnold?" but also to Cre8ivelyBankrupt's epic fic The Mitigators, which all of you should totally go read.

Jose: Phoebe's always been the one who knows what Helga needs, even better than she does.

Next: The World According to LARP