Chapter 8
Dragon Quest XII: Search for the Sinister Serpent
As what would come to be known as the Magic Bubble Crisis (though local news stations tried o brand the incident with witty names of their own, such as "Bubble Trouble" and "Dome of Mystery") dragged on into its second hour, it showed no signs of becoming any less of a circus, especially now that the media had arrived.
At this moment, Lynn Vega of Channel 8 News was delivering a live update on the situation to anchor Chet Harwood. "Well, as of this time it's been officially a full hour since the energy dome appeared. We still know nothing about how or why it happened. It has been confirmed that there were, in fact, several people in the area when the dome appeared. We haven't been able to get a positive ID on any of them, though a local woman claims to have seen 'Eleanor Roosevelt' pass her. We are unsure exactly how reliable this witness is, though, as she then claimed to be Joan of Arc and asked if I was one of the king's spies. Once again, that is everything we know at this time. We will continue to bring you updates as long as the-" She looked up. "Hold it. It appears local superhero Decibelle has just arrived on the scene, presumably to investigate the situation. We'll see if we can get a word in with her." The reporter made a beeline to the redheaded, green-skinned alien, who had just landed on the outskirts of the crowd and was attempting to make her way in. Bothering her would probably be considered rude, but Vega hadn't won three local Newsie awards by being polite. She pushed her way through the crowd and thrust her microphone in Decibelle's emerald, freckle-specked face. "Decibelle! Lynn Vega, Channel 8. Can you tell us anything about the dome?"
-LILA-
I had just landed when I saw the reporter coming my way. Inwardly I cringed. The others were so much better at dealing with this sort of thing than I. Sadly, I lacked Rhonda's ease with gladhanding or Helga's ability to just shove everyone out of the way. Polite deference, alas, was baked into my very person.
"Well, gosh, Ms. Vega," I replied, "I've only just gotten here myself, so I'm sorry to say that I really don't know much of anything, but I'm certain if I do find anything out, I'll be glad to share it with the public. So, if you would please excuse me…"
"Is this connected to the recent paranormal activity in Paris and Amity Park? Could this be a revenge attempt by one of your past adversaries?"
"Later, I promise!" I finally located Phoebe in the crowd and made straight for her. Anything to get away from this woman. One of these days, I have to learn how to be more assertive.
"Good, you made it," Phoebe said.
"This was the fastest I could make it.," I replied. "That dress just simply adorable on you, by the way."
She blushed. "Oh, Gerald just talked me into it. It's really not something I would have ordinarily- do you really think it looks nice?"
"Oh, yes, of course, just ever-so-nice!"
"Uh, well… ahem… thanks. Anyway… I haven't been able to get anywhere near the doe, especially not I my current attire, but I have a feeling you will have a bit more sway with the authorities."
"I'll try. Have you heard anything from Helga?"
"No, and I'm afraid we won't any time soon. It seems like there's a very good chance she's already in there."
"How do you know?"
"Well… you know Arnold's grandma, right?"
"Oh yes, she's quite the character."
"Well, she managed to get out of the forest just before the dome appeared, and she claimed to have seen Eleanor Roosevelt just before she did."
"Well, that's ever-so-interesting, but I'm not so certain just what-"
"That's her little code-name for Helga."
"Oh…" I actually didn't know that. "I suppose we should go try to get a closer look now…" Hefting Phoebe, I ascended a bit to avoid the crowd and fluttered nearer to where the police had set up their barricade. The officer looked me over. Stand tall, I told myself. You are a strong, capable hero. You can handle this. It's taken a long time for me to be comfortable in this skin. It took me over a year to even start going on regular patrols like the other girls. I still don't do it as often as I should. It doesn't exactly help that when I first changed, a demon possessed my body and used it to go on a destructive rampage. To this day, it still feels like I don't deserve the trust this city puts in me.
Suck it up, Sawyer, Helga's voice came unbidden. You're the mutant on the spot, act like it and look him in the eye. You out-stare him by fifty percent anyway. Right. I met the officer's gaze. "Hello? I'm here to check out the situation. I'm sure you are aware that the department has given us authorization on any circumstances of an unusual nature. I would say something like this definitely qualifies. I trust I don't need to provide any proof that I am who I say I am…" I flexed my wings for emphasis; it's hard to fake those.
"Okay, you've made your point," he admitted. "You're free to go ahead. She isn't."
"She's with me, " I contended. "She's my technical advisor."
"Technical advisor? That kid can't be more than 12!"
"I'm 15," Phoebe corrected irritably.
"I vouch for her credentials," I bluffed. This would be a lot easier if Phoebe had been able to change beforehand. We really need some kind of easier way to swap outfits. If only that technology existed…
"All right," the officer relented. "Just as long as you realize the responsibility is yours if anything happens to her." With that, he let us through the police cordon.
Good work, I told myself. You got through it without a single "ever so". Who knows, maybe the habit's finally broken.
"Wow," I said, as we got closer. "You kinda don't get a feel for how big it is from the air, but standing right here, I have to say it's pretty impressive."
"Yes… very," agreed Phoebe. "Can you use the sensors in your suit to analyze it? If there's a weakness, maybe we can exploit it."
"All right…" Now, how do I do this again? "Bridgi, can you please scan the energy field in front of me?"
"Only because you asked me nicely," the suit's onboard AI answered. Its personality was programmed in by the suit's creator, Bridget Leigh (who had also patterned the AI's voice after her own), and apparently she'd seen fit to give it a degree of sass. Of course it would still have complied if I hadn't said "please", but it would have responded more sarcastically.
Readings began to play across my suit's visor, some of which I understood, some I didn't. Those I did fluctuated wildly, often contradicting themselves. "Here," I said, handing it over to Phoebe. "Maybe this'll make more sense to you."
"All right," she said, putting it on. "…nope. This is all gibberish."
"Good, I'm not an idiot, then," I replied. "Well, if science isn't telling us anything, there is an alternative…"
"I really don't want to agree with that, but sadly I'm afraid I must. In all likelihood, we appear to be dealing with magic. Which is something I know exactly two things about. Jack, and I think you can guess the other."
"You mean 'shit'?"
"Lila!" Phoebe gasped, scandalized.
"Oh, please, I'm a big girl. I don't faint in the presence of the occasional naughty word." Well, I'm not that blasé, but coming out on top of my confrontation with the police officer had me feeling my oats, so to speak. "So… " I cracked my lower pair of knuckles, "I was thinking we could at least try to break through the field with my sonic pulses."
"I don't know," Phoebe mused. "There's no way to know how your powers will interact with the mystic energies at play here."
"Well, unless you have a direct phone line to a professional wizard, it's the only suggestion I have."
"As a matter of fact, I do have a connection with an expert on the supernatural."
"That's good."
"Unfortunately, he's notoriously difficult to get a hold of on short notice."
"That's bad."
"Fortunately, I did manage to find a coven online. We might be able to get somewhere after all."
I stared at the bubble. The colors and patterns on the surface were in a constant state of flux, chaotic and unfathomable. "Do you think Helga's okay in there?"
"Helga?" Phoebe smirked. "She's probably the most dangerous thing in there."
-HELGA-
My axe sliced through the goblin's neck, severing it cleanly as both parts dissipated into black mist.
"Okay, Todd… excuse me, Greybeard…" I added as he opened his mouth to correct me; it wasn't so much that I cared about being accurate as I did about him not correcting me in that whiny voice of his. "This is the third ambush you've led us into. I'm starting to think that maybe you don't have the control over this situation that you said you have."
"Nonsense," he deflected. "It so happens we are exactly where I said we would be. But obviously, I can't anticipate what the monsters will do now that they have a will of their own, can I?" He raised his staff and shouted, "LIGHTNING BOLT!" instantly incinerating a goblin inches away from Sheena, who looked like she was on the verge of curling up into a ball so tight it could be classified as a quantum singularity. Poor girl. For a pacifist like her, this whole situation must be a nightmare.
Okay, I can't exactly argue with his logic. If the monsters were acting on their own, I couldn't exactly blame him for their movements, could I? But this was just frustrating. We'd been wandering around these woods for days, or at least it felt like it. Oddly, we never seemed to get hungry, thirsty or tired, no matter how much time seemed to pass, adding to the weird dreamlike feel of it all.
"Still, it's been forever, and we haven't seen hide nor hair of this so-called dragon of yours. Just a bunch of random annoying monsters like these things."
"We're close, I can feel it."
"We'd better be." Curly insisted, dispatching the last of the goblins with his dagger. "My Sheenie-Beanie didn't sign up for this."
"I-I'm fine. Really," Sheena stammered. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to be sick for a completely unrelated reason."
Poor Sheena. She got flustered whenever she even stepped on a bug, so being stuck in the middle of all this brutality, even if it was just Todd's imagination made real, must have been really messing her up.
"Well, if we're quite done," Todd sniffed, "we are nearly there. Everyone, get ready for the epic battle of a lifetime!"
"This better be it," I said. "Or that wizard staff's winding up in your stomach."
"I'd like to see you make me eat it," Todd scoffed.
"Oh, it won't be taking that route," I retorted, giving him a pointed look.
-LILA-
Another hour had passed. In that time, Phoebe had gotten the instructions for a spell from the coven, and contacted Rhonda, who had successfully dropped her sister off at her playdate, to get the needed ingredients for the rite. I was just hoping my minister never found out about this, but if saving a friend isn't worth dabbling in a little witchcraft, what is?
"Were you able to get everything?" Phoebe asked as our violet-skinned friend set down.
"The cauldron was easy. I borrowed one from one of the fair booths, and was able to pick up most of the ingredients in the supermarket. A few of them were pretty vague, so I fudged it as best I could. And one I couldn't, but I guess we'll get to that one when we get to it."
"It'll have to do," Phoebe said. "We're going to need a fire first…"
"I can handle that," I said. "I was a Campfire Lass for a little while, and, well, that's kind of the first thing they teach you, being it's in the name and all." I gathered a bunch of stray would and arranged it properly. "Now, I just need to rub the right two sticks together…."
"Or I could just do this," Rhonda interrupted, striking the pile with a jolt of electricity.
"…I suppose that works too…" Phoebe said, planting the cauldron and filling it with water. "All right…" She checked her phone, which she had finally managed to free from her bodice. "First ingredient… wisteria."
"Got it," Rhonda replied, tossing in a few sprigs.
"Next… three holly berries."
"Done," Rhonda said, tossing them in.
"Okay, next we're going to need a mandrake root… an aspen leaf… ten acorns…" One by one, Rhonda tossed them into the pot.
"I'm not exactly familiar with this sort of thing, but should something be happening yet?" I asked.
"Hey, we're all winging it here, no pun intended," Phoebe replied. "Okay, here's where things start getting conceptual… I'm going to need a…" She checked, "fallen star?"
"I have a photo of Ronnie Matthews." Rhonda answered, dropping it in.
"Ouch," Phoebe remarked, smirking at the shade. There was no love lost between her and the ex-chart-topper. "How about… a crystallized nightmare?"
"Rats: The Movie on Blu-Ray." She dropped the disc into the mixture.
"You are just on fire today," Phoebe giggled.
"I didn't think the CGI was that bad," I remarked.
"We'll see if whatever powers witchcraft agrees," Rhonda said. "But personally, it gave me a serious case of the Uncannies. Okay, what's left?"
"Just one more ingredient. We need a drop of demon's blood."
"I was afraid of that," Rhonda replied. "That was the one thing I couldn't get."
"Couldn't you have fudged it like the others? Maybe there's some kind of energy drink or something called 'Demon's Blood' that you could've gotten?"
"I thought of that too. It kinda sounds like an energy drink name, doesn't it? But no, I couldn't find anything like that at any of the stores I went to."
"Actually," I said, "I think I know where we can get it." I took off one of my gloves, held my hand out over the bubbling cauldron, and pressed m thumb's claw into my palm as hard as I could, piercing the skin. A single teal drop fell down into the mixture. "I may not technically be a demon, but my body did hold one for a little while, so it should count."
"Lila…" Phoebe began.
"It's the past, and this way maybe something good actually came out of it, right? Now, what do we do?"
Phoebe checked her phone. "According to this, we stir the pot until the mixture turns purple while chanting this gibberish right here." She showed us the incantation. "I feel so dirty about this. It's so… unscientific."
"It's our only option," Rhonda stated, grabbing a stick. "Now, what was that incantation again?"
-HELGA-
After still more wandering, made even more excruciating by the fact that Eugene had managed to fix his lute (well, fix was a misnomer, as it was horribly out of tune now, but it was in one piece), we finally arrived at a large clearing. "We are here!" Todd declared.
"I can't help but notice a distinct lack of three-headed dragons," I noted. "Are you sure you know what you're doing?"
"Oh, I know exactly what I'm doing, Brunhelga," Todd answered in an unnerving voice.
And then… he began to laugh.
"Todd… what's going on?" one of the nerds whose name I couldn't be bothered to remember asked.
"Fools! Don't you see? It was I who was the villain all along! It was I who led us in circles and continually summoned hordes of enemies to slowly wear you down, all so I could lead you into this trap! Now, prepare to face the power of a true wizard!" He began to laugh even more insanely, floating upward as energy crackled around the tip of his staff.
"To be honest, we really should have seen this twist coming," Eugene commented.
"You… put us through all of this… just so you could betray us in the end?" Sheena asked. She had an expression I'd seen before, just not on her. Usually, it was in the mirror.
It was sheer unbridled fury.
"Yes? So what are you going to do about it, miss pacifist? You don't have the guts to hurt anyone, much less me."
"She doesn't have to," I said. "I'm more than happy to kick your ass for her."
"Oh, and how are you going to do that? You're forgetting… this is my realm. I command the elements. I can summon monsters at will. All your lives are in my hands now."
"Yep. He's gone full crazy," Curly remarked. "Believe me, I know it when I see it."
"I don't get it," the paladin guy said. "Sure, he's kind of a jerk, but he's never been full-on supervillain like this."
"The staff's probably cursed or something," I responded. "You know, standard deal, get a thing from a creepy shop, it tuns out to be all evil and shit, drives the owner insane. You see it all the time."
The nerds who I didn't know personally all looked at me, uncomprehending.
"In movies. You see it all the time in movies." There we go. No need for suspicion. "In any case, we need to get the staff away from him. "
"You're welcome to try," Todd declared. "But I have a feeling you'll all be quite busy." He raised his staff. "I did promise you a three-headed dragon."
The beast in question shimmered into existence behind the nerd-turned-wizard. "Destroy them," he commanded. The creature roared its assent and unleashed a torrent of flame from its mouths.
"FLAME SHIELD!" shouted Sheena, calling up a glowing red aura around the party. The flames harmlessly flowed over us; I could feel their heat, but it didn't burn. "There. Now you guys are on an even footing with the dragon." She looked up at Todd. "I'll handle him."
"That's my girl," Curly remarked with pride.
"You heard her," I said. "Let's take this thing out."
"Really," Todd commented with a smirk. "You are going to fight me."
Sheena's eyes narrowed. "Everyone has a limit, Todd. Even me. BRAMBLE." Thorny vines burst from the ground beneath the wizard, reaching up to grapple him.
"FIREBALL", countered Todd, incinerating the vines. "Not bad. It seems you do have some backbone after all. But you'll soon see that I can counter anything force can bring against me."
"Then I suppose I'll have to get creative."
While this was happening, the rest of us had our hand pretty full. Sure, Sheena's spell had neutralized the dragon's flame, but there was still a gigantic beast with sharp claws, a spiked tail, and three sets of slavering jaws to deal with.
"Well, look on the bright side," Eugene said, "at least it can't fly."
"That's really reassuring, Eugene," I remarked sarcastically. "After it gobbles us up it'll have to walk back to its lair."
"Hey, don't give up! All you need is to look on the bright side." He began to strum his horrifically out-of-tune lute. "Every seed turns into a flower, every second turns to an hour…"
The dragon suddenly began to convulse and screech in pain.
"Yes! Your horrible playing is weakening it!" I gave him a reassuring slap on the back. "Keep playing, it just might save our lives!"
"Uh.. thanks? I didn't think I was that bad, but, um… if it's helping… Turn that frown, upside down… and there's a great big smile!"
"Okay, everybody! Now, while it's weakened… everyone attack!"
We all charged the creature, each of us attacking a different part as Eugene continued to play.
"So. never give up on hope."
Curly slid between the dragon's legs and peppered its soft underside with arrows.
"It's a life-saving rope!"
The hobbit kid ran up the dragon's tail and across its back and left neck to plunge his dagger into its throat.
"And like a seed grows, dreams come true"
The necromancer levitated the paladin upward, giving him the opportunity to shove his spear into the right skull.
"Just because you're you!"
As the great beast staggered, I brought my ax up, sinking it into its center neck, finally dispatching it once and for all.
"Okay, I'm about ready for all of this to be over," I said, turning my attention to Todd and Sheena's wizard duel. It was a stalemate, Todd assaulting with arcane flames and lightning and Sheena countering with earth and wind magic.
"Should we help her?" asked Eugene.
A stray bolt struck the ground immediately in front of me. "I think she's got this," I suggested.
Curly rubbed his chin. "They've got each other matched, but unless she can get in close and grab the staff, we're stuck here."
"So… you're supposed to be a thief, right? Can you, like, use mad thief skillz to get the staff away from him?"
"If I can get near him, but how am I going to do that?"
I surveyed the area. "He's getting awfully close to those trees… maybe try climbing one?"
"I think that could work…" he said. "I just need the right moment…"
The right moment came very quickly when Sheena also noticed how close Todd was to the tight copse of trees. "ANIMATE!" she called, causing the trees to snare Todd in its branches.
"I always knew she was a treehugger, but this is a little on the nose," I commented. Curly was already in motion, scurrying up the lower branches and snatching the staff out of Todd's hands.
"Catch!" He said, flinging it my way.
"And what am I supposed to with this stupid thing?" I shot back.
"I don't know! Try something!"
"Damn it, I don't know how this stupid thing works! All I can think to do is… " I swung the staff against the nearest boulder as hard as I could.
There was a cracking sound…
…a bright light…
No… it COULDN"T have been that easy…
-LILA-
"Owa… Tador…. Kayyam..."
The three of us had been chanting the incantation for five minutes now, with absolutely no tangible results. Something was really beginning to nag at me..
…wait a minute…
"Phoebe… I think we've all just gotten trolled," I said.
"What do you m-" She slapped her forehead. "'Oh, what a dork I am?' How did I not see it? So…. this is what it's like to feel like an idiot."
"Wait, maybe not!" Rhonda interrupted, turning her attention toward the dome. Sure enough, the barrier was starting to dissolve from the top down. "Maybe it really did work."
"I kind of doubt it, but I'll take what I can get."
-HELGA-
It had been that easy.
The light grew brighter and brighter, forcing my eyes closed. The same feeling of disconnect with reality I'd felt when this first started passed through me again. And then… there we were, back in the exact place we'd been when the whole escapade started. I could once again feel my everyday clothed underneath my Viking costume, and my ax was once again a plastic prop.
"Y-you did it." Eugene marveled. "And look, my lute's all fixed!"
"Well, I guess there's always some bad news," I muttered.
"Sheena's the real hero here," Curly declared, giving his willowy squeeze a squeeze. "Though I have to say I'm kind of going to miss the pointy ears."
Nearby, Todd groaned, dazed. "Uhhh… what happened… "
"Todd, I think we should go in a different direction with the club." Eugene said. "One where you're not in it."
"What?" he sputtered. "You can't be serious! I AM The club."
"….see, it's stuff like that there," Eugene said. "It's not just that you nearly killed us all with an arcane artifact…"
"Though that's a pretty big part," Sheena interjected.
"…it's also that you're far too controlling. The LARP club should be about fun, not about you. That's why I think the new president should be Helga."
"Oh… oh hell no," I said "No to every single word of that. I honestly never want to hear the word 'LARP' ever again. Honestly… I think you should be the new president. Seeing as you actually seem to care about this stuff."
"I second Helga's motion!" Sheena added.
"You can't second her motion! She isn't in the club!" complained Todd.
"I really don't think anyone cares at this point. All in favor of making Eugene the new club president?" All hands except Todd's went up.
"Can I at least have my staff back?"
"Yeah, no, you're not getting anywhere near this thing ever again." I said. And I'm going to have to see if I can find this mysterious shop where he got it, I told myself. It could be trouble.
"Helga!" A familiar voice called. "Are you all right?"
"Yeah, I'm fine! Everything's all taken care of."
Phoebe emerged from the woods flanked by Rhonda and Lila in their hero guises, and looking even more outlandish in her full princess regalia. "Thank goodness you're all right," she said, flinging herself at me.
"Yes," Lila added, "We're glad all you innocent civilians who we're unfamiliar with are all safe."
"Absolutely. Thank you, other anonymous citizen whom we've never met before," continued Rhonda.
"Criminy, you guys must have been looking for me for days," I said.
"Actually, it's been two and a half hours," she corrected.
"It has? It felt like it was longer." I checked my restored phone and sure enough, it had indeed been less than three hours since I last checked it. No wonder I never felt hungry or sleepy. Must have been on the Jeremy Bearimy plan or something. "That means I can still catch the last movie in the 'Holy Terror' marathon!"
"Really? After all of this?"
"Yeah… after what I've been through, I think some fake horror would be just the ticket. You wanna come with?"
"Actually… yes, that sounds nice," Pheobe said. "I'll just call Gerald to let him know…"
"Hell, invite him along. And if you see Rhonda or Lila, tell them they can come too," I said. "In the meantime, maybe you two superheroes could take this dangerous object into custody." I handed Rhonda the staff.
"A stick?" she asked skeptically.
"It was some kind of cursed staff, until I broke it. Dorkus Malorkus over there picked it up at some kind of Needful Things-type place."
"All right, we'll look into this, young woman who I have absolutely no prior relationship…"
"aying-lay it on too ick-they…" I whispered. "And with that out of way, let's ditch this dump." I chucked my props to the side. "Let's go, your highness."
"Your hi- oh dear, I completely forgot I was still wearing this!"
"Hey, it's not like you don't pull it off."
A.N.: Well, this arc is finally over, and the final chapter was almost twice as long as the other two! Honestly, I could have broken it in half so I could get the parts out sooner, but I didn't want to drag it out any longer. The plot points changed a bunch of times before I settled on what I went with; it was originally going to just be a plain showdown with the dragon, but I decided that having Todd be the bad guy, corrupted by the staff, was the twist I needed (plus it gave Sheena a chance to have some of the spotlight for a change.
Incidentally, the phony coven that trolled Phoebe was supposed to have been Courtney and Tabitha, the Goth girls from "Craig of the Creek", but I'm trying to cut down on the gratuitous cameos.
Wonko: Thanks, it was fun to do. Next arc's gonna be a lot more down-to-earth though.
Jose: The girls are going to have to think about a quicker changing method. It's hard for them because it involves not just changing clothing but going through a physical change as well.
Next up: Back to the beach!