Chapter 9

Back to the Beach

One for the Books, Mid July

-HELGA-

So, funny story, it turns out that to do all the stuff you want to do during the summer, you need this thing called money. While I have a fairly substantial college fund thanks to saving Rhonda's life some years back, that's all locked up in a trust and not exactly something I can dip into for the day-to-day stuff. And so, I have been forced to take a part-time summer job.

Of course, it's not like I'm the only one. Phoebe's been interning at Potts' Brothers Demolition, Gerald got a job at the radio station, Nadine's working at Dino Land, Sid's busing tables at El Patio… even Princess Lloyd herself wound up getting a job at a swimwear store at the West Hillwood Mall, though I'm pretty sure she did it mainly for first crack at the merchandise. It certainly wasn't because she needed the money. As for me, I lucked into a job at a bookstore downtown. Doesn't pay much, but on the plus side there aren't a ton of customers because the Internet is a thing, so I have plenty of time to myself and free WiFi to take advantage of. Sometimes it's so slow that I can just take a nap in the back room and nobody notices.

Of course, there is one sale I can count on every day, and that's from my mother. Budnick's department store, where she's a floor manager, is a couple of blocks down the street, so every day on her lunch break she drops in, grabs a random book off the shelf, and buys it to, I dunno, show how supportive she is. It's really unnecessary, but I guess she's trying to make up for how inattentive she was for the first decade of my life. Still, it gets a bit embarrassing sometimes, especially on the occasions when someone else is actually here.

Case in point…

"Mom… seriously… you don't have to come in here and buy a book every day. You've already established how supportive you are and I really, really do appreciate it."

"Oh, honey, I'm not trying to be smothering at all, really. I really did need a book on-" she checked the cover "…how to tell if you have prostate problems. Right," she said, swiftly putting it back, "the one I meant to pick up was – and this is just straight-up hardcore pornography. Who on earth would shelve these next to each other?"

"Beats me. The shelves were like this when I got here. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if this place was some kind of money-laundering operation. I mean, who actually goes to these little bookstores besides the occasional hipster?"

"Hmm…. Well, that's food for thought…"

"I mean, it's not necessarily organized crime? It could just be a cult."

"…You know, I'm not sure I'm that comfortable with you working here now."

"No problem. Stinky said I could help out on his uncle's weed farm if I wanted. Probably doesn't pay any better but I hear the fringe benefits are-"

"…then again what's more wholesome than a bookstore?" Miriam interrupted, quickly changing the subject.

"I'm just saying, it is legal in this state…"

"Anyway! That wasn't really my reason for coming in today. Honey, you remember that week we went down to Spenser Beach about six years ago? Well, it just so happens that I have some vacation time coming up, so I rented one of their cabins, just like last time! A few days at the beach, doesn't that sound nice?"

I raised an eyebrow. "Jeez, mom, since when were you into the whole sun and surf thing?"

"Well, I just think that a change of scenery could be nice. This city gets all hot and unpleasant at this time of the year, so, why not go somewhere a little more relaxing?"

"This job actually is pretty relaxing. I'm not sure exactly what it is I need a vacation from."

"Well… isn't your other job pretty stressful?"

"Not really. Being a superhero is actually my stress-reliever."

"Well… I've already booked the cabin, so it's kind of a waste if we don't go. You can bring along a friend if you want… I'm sure Phoebe would appreciate a free vacation weekend, or that other friend of yours, Rolanda…"

I sighed resignedly. "I guess it won't be terrible."

"That's the spirit! Hey, you know what always gets me I the mood for a beach vacation? Shopping for a brand new swimsuit!"

Oh, goody… I get to go shopping for revealing clothing with my mother. Every girl's fantasy!

"Welcome to Bikini Atoll, how may I help you to- Oh, hello, Mrs. Pataki." Rhonda's flat, perfunctory customer service spiel perked up when she realized she was speaking to someone who she would actually have to see again.

"Oh, there's no need for formality, Rolanda," Miriam replied genially. "Feel free to call me Miriam."

"Oh, well, in that case, feel free to call me Rhonda, since Rolanda is not my name."

"Oh. Oh dear. I've been calling you Rolanda for years. This is so embarrassing. I'm… I'm so sorry."

"It's okay. Really," she assured.

"I must say, you look lovely n that outfit."

Rhonda took a glance down at her green floral-print top and matching sarong combo. "Oh, this? They make us wear these. But thank you! I really didn't think I had the hips to pull off a sarong."

"Oh, you do, dear. Now, do you think you help us find some new swimsuits?"

"Us?"

"Yes, me and—" She looked around. "Helga!"

Nuts. I had almost managed to sneak out of the store while mom was occupied, but it looks like I'm busted. "Oh… you mean this is the swimsuit store? I thought it was a real-estate broker selling timeshares on nuclear test sites, and I thought 'wow, that sounds like a terrible investment, I'd better get out of here before I get roped into one of those high-pressure sales pitches…."

"Oh, she's such a kidder. Now, what do you think of this?" She held up a very skimpy pink bikini.

"MOM!" I said, scandalized. "I am not wearing that!"

"Actually, I was thinking this would look good on me…"

"…oh, my god, Earth, please, just swallow me up where I stand…"

Rhonda put a sympathetic hand on my shoulder. "I know, I know, I've been here too. Don't worry, Hellcat… I'll take care of you."

After the most agonizing half-hour of my life (and I have had my entire body rearrange itself, and that's not a fun experience, let me tell you), we finally decided on a pink one-piece for me and a modest (thank the stars) lavender two-piece for mom.

"You know, I really think I could've pulled off the bikini," she insisted. "I mean… I've still got the goods, why not show 'em off?"

"…oh lord… mom, I don't want to hear this…"

"I'm just saying… mama's back on the market. Might as well do some advertising, am I right?"

"Rhonda!" I pleaded. "Please, reconsider! I can't suffer alone like this!"

"I'm really sorry. You know, any other time I would totally have your back, but I'm booked. I have…" she shuddered, "a spider convention to go to."

"Who, really?" I said, smirking, miming a whipping motion.

"Yeah, yeah… I'm whipped, you can say it. Thing is, Nadine really, really wants to introduce me to her bug friends."

"Oh, this is serious. But… aren't you… kinda terrified to death of spiders?"

"No, you're thinking of clowns. I'm honestly not that bothered by spiders anymore. I'm not in love with them, but I am in love with someone who is, so, you know, you have to make compromises. Hell, if she wanted to go to a circus convention, I'd probably suck it up and do that too. It's the least I owe her for putting up with my crap." She started ringing us up. "Okay… and, with the employee discount-"

"Oh, dear, you don't have to do that for us," interrupted Mom.

"It's fine, if I don't use it, it just goes to waste anyway. Okay, so, that comes out to… sixty-eight ninety-three."

"Well! Looks like Spencer Beach will have a couple of hotties to deal with, am I right?"

"*groan* Really… is the Earth swallowing me up so much to ask?"

"Helga, couldn't you just ask Phoebe to go with you?" Rhonda asked.

"Pfft… could you imagine Phoebe at the beach?" I scoffed. "Besides, I'd have to surgically remove her from Geraldo to get her away from him for the weekend."

"Couldn't hurt to ask, though, could it?"

"*shrug* I guess… probably a waste of time though…"

"SURE, I'D LOVE TO GO!"

"WELL, I UNDERSTAND, IT'S OKAY IF IT'S NOT YOUR THING!"

"NO, I SAID I'D LOVE TO GO!"

"I MEAN, I KIND OF FIGURED THAT YOU WOULDN'T, YOU'RE NOT REALLY A VERY OUTDOORSY PERSON…"

"I SAID – HEY, MR. POTTS! COULD YOU PLEASE TURN THE JACKHAMMER OFF FOR A MOMENT?" Phoebe waved frantically at the demolitionist to shut off the noisy machine.

"Oh… sorry, kid," he said. "Go on. Pretend I'm not here."

"Okay, as I was saying… I actually could use a break. I've been working days and spending a lot of my nights trying to get ahead in my studies so I can graduate early next year… I think my mother's getting worried that I may burn myself out. Perhaps a week at the shore would be the perfect tonic to ameliorate a potential crisis of motivation. In fact… I believe I shall learn how to surf."

I raised an eyebrow. "Really?

She huffed. "Yes. That is what people do at the beach, is it not?"

"Well, yeah, I just find it kind of hard to picture you on a surfboard."

"What, just because I'm small and, to use the vernacular… nerdy?"

"And you use phrases like 'to use the vernacular.' Plus… you can fly."

"Well… …. That may be true, but I also have a yearning to try new things. Things like surfing."

"You're really serious about this, are you?"

"Yes, I am. I think that, deep down, I yearn to be… extreme."

"Okay, settle down, Poochie. Hey, Ernie, you mind if I borrow Phoebe for a few days?"

"Oh, yeah, sure, I mean, you're young, you got things to do, I understand. Just go clear it with my brother Bert in the home office."

I stifled a snicker. "Your brother's name is Bert?"

"Yeah, he's in charge of the books and stuff around here. He always had more of a head for the business end of things, y'know how it is. He's really a stickler for doing everything by the book. Always been a real tightass, even back when we were growing up. You mess up his paperclip collection one time…"

"Paperclip collection, huh." I was trying my hardest to keep a straight face. "Did… he ever give you crap for eating cookies in bed?"

"Oh, all the time! I mean, sure, the crumbs get everywhere, but he didn't have to be so uptight about it..."

Okay, I had to drop this line of conversation, or I was going to lose it. "Well… we leave tomorrow, so, be ready."

"I shall. I must say, I'm quite looking forward to this little excursion." She glanced back at Ernie. "So… is your brother rather fond of… pigeons?" she asked with a barely-concealed impish grin. Oh, don't do this to me…

"You know, he is," Ernie answered obliviously. "He likes to feed them in the park. There's this one with a missing toe that he calls Bernice…"

"Right, gotta go, see you tomorrow, bye!" I shouted, running off. The minute I got out of range, I let all the laughter that had been building up out.

It felt… good. I honestly don't think I've laughed like that since… since the summer began.

Maybe this whole vacation wouldn't be an ordeal. Maybe it would be kinda fun. I mean, might as well go into this with a positive attitude, right? One time won't kill me.

A.N.: And so, the beach arc begins! To that guy who kept hoping for Summer to appear in And You May Ask Yourself, this one's for you.

I borrowed the name for the beach town from HumanDictionary's stories. They've also been really helpful in getting a feel for how I'm going to be handling Summer's character in the upcoming chapters.

I've been wanting to do the "Ernie and Bert" gag ever since I started writing again, but I've never found a good place use it until now. It's kinda fitting seeing as Arnold did kinda get his start on Sesame Street.

Jose: Was the incantation real, or was it just a prank by a bored Goth couple from Maryland? We may never know.

Next up: Dipping Your Toe in the Water