Chapter 14

Impulsive Choices

-BRIAN-

Sitting in a dark room, nearly blind, gives you plenty of time to go over the mistakes you've made in your life. If I had to pick the one change I'd make, it would be "get dad to invest in more durable glasses."

Seriously. I used to go through tons of pairs. Mostly my fault, of course, for constantly drifting into fist-range of Helga Pataki, but in my defense, she really was a fascinating girl. To everyone else, she was merely the scowling bully who ruled the class with an acid tongue backed with an iron first, but for me, she was so much more. Granted, it's because I was kind of a creeper, but thanks to that shameful little detail, I got to be privy to her innermost thoughts. It was then that two things became evident to me: 1) that I was in love with her and 2) that I could never really have her, because her heart would forever be pledged to another. It was something that I resigned myself to, especially after San Lorenzo; in fact, I'm kind of proud to say that, when it seemed like she had completely given up hope, I encouraged her to push on when I could easily have done nothing. Rather sporting of me, right?

My ruminations were interrupted by the approach of an engine. Maybe my luck was finally changing? At this point, it could only get better, right? I got up and started banging on the door to the shack. "Hey!" I yelled. "Someone locked me in here!"

"Well, duh, Brush-head," a voice I instantly recognized as the fake crewmember answered. "I'm the one who did it."

Oh," I replied, slumping in annoyance. Of course. It couldn't be that easy. "You wouldn't mind telling me just why you decided to knock me out and lock me up, would you? Seeing as I've never met you before in my entire life and all…"

"Oh, don't get me wrong," she said, "I got nothin' against you personally… this is all about your friend Blondie."

"Blondie?" I asked, feigning ignorance. I had a feeling I knew exactly who she was referring to, but I didn't want to let on just how much I knew.

"You know, Helga Pataki."

"How do you even know her?" I asked, genuinely confused as to what vendetta she could possibly hold. "What could she have possibly done to you?"

"That bitch cheated me out of my future," she replied coldly. "I was supposed to get that role on Babewatch! Me! Not her! But noooo… she stole my chance at fame! And she didn't even do anything with it!"

Oh, right… years ago, Arnold and Helga had somehow gotten bit roles on the popular syndicated series. Ironically, the series got cancelled shortly after due to Sam Henderson's departure and the disastrous spinoff, Babewatch After Dark. Who on Earth thought that having Danny Hassenpfeffer ditch his speedo and become a private eye who fought werewolves was a good idea? Who wanted to watch Babewatch… without babes?

"So she beat you out for a role six years ago," I said. "Seems… kind of an overreaction on your part…"

"Overreaction? OVERREACTION?" Uh boy. This girl was sounding pretty unhinged. "That girl stole my one ticket out of this shithole town! I could've been somebody! But no, instead I get to grow up in this dead-end-burg. So, seeing as she's taken so much from me, I figured I'd return the favor by taking something of hers."

So, that's what this was all about. I chuckled. "Oh boy, did you pick the wrong guy," I replied. "Believe me, I'm nothing to her. This really was a complete waste of time. But hey… maybe if you let me go, we can forget this whole thing ever happened."

"Oh, don't play dumb with me, stretch. I saw the two of you talking. That girl was real happy to see you. You guys must be pretty close."

"Seriously, this is the first time we've spoken in over a year! I really don't have much of a relationship with her at all, I swear," I protested. "Seriously, what exactly is your plan here? How long do you think you can keep me here? You're going to have to feed me eventually…" She would, right? Unless she intended to… no. The girl was clearly deranged, but she didn't seem that crazy. At least, I didn't think so.

"Eh… we'll get to that when we get to that," she replied. "For now, you're staying right where you are, at least 'til that brat goes home. Then, we'll talk." She smirked, I assume. I could hear it in her tone. "Who knows? Maybe I'll keep you. Maybe you'll learn to like it here. It's actually kind of nice, in the summer anyway."

"Really? That's your endgame? Wait for Stockholm Syndrome to kick in?"

"Hey, I don't know what you've heard, but I've been tested and I don't have anything!" she retorted angrily. I guess my reference was a bit off her radar.

"I'm just saying… I really don't see any way you come out of this on top. You get caught, you are going to jail."

"Well, then I guess I'm the State's problem, aren't I," she replied dismissively. "Not like my life was going anywhere anyway."

She sounded pretty resigned to staying the course. I had hoped that maybe I could talk her out of the situation, but it seemed like that course of action wasn't going to cut it. At this point, my only hope was someone noticing that I was gone…

-PHOEBE-

"Summer?" the crew chief, who kind of looked like "The Dude" after a doughnut jag, repeated, rubbing his scraggly beard.

"Yeah," I repeated. "Tanned, very blonde, about 19, 20 years old? She was wearing a crew shirt and cap, so I figured you would know her?"

The burly man shrugged. "No…. no one like that's on the crew. "

"You sure?"

'Think I'd remember hiring a hot blonde, especially with a name like that. I don't know where she got crew gear, but ain't from me."

"Oh, well, thanks. If you do see someone like that, tell her I found her wallet and want to return it," I lied.

Well, that confirmed at least part of Helga's hunch. If nothing else, I had confirmed that Summer was not a legitimate part of the beach party's crew. What her motives for pretending to be one were, I couldn't be sure of, but it was unlikely that they were innocent.

"Well, that answers that," Helga commented as I rejoined her.

"What's next?" I asked.

"We go to the guy who knows her best… Alex." She led the two of us back to the funnel-cake stand, where the surf instructor was still in mid-canoodle with the stand attendant. Helga cleared her throat loudly to get his attention.

The two instantly became aware of her presence. "Uh… hi, Helga," stammered Alex. "I, uh, was just…"

"Xander, who is this?" the funnel cake girl asked suspiciously. "Is this that horrible ex you told me about?" Xander? Did he use different names for every girl he tried to proposition?

"N-no, of course not, Staci, she's just a kid," he protested. Helga raised her eyebrow but said nothing regarding Alex's denial.

"Actually, his ex was what we wanted to talk to him about," she said instead. "Do you have any idea where I could find her?"

"Oh, uh, I guess you could try her house. Go down the boardwalk to Dumas Street, make a right, then a left on Kolosov. It's #23."

"Okay, thanks," she said, beginning to walk off.

"Wait!" Alex said, running after her. "About that, I can totally-"

"Alex," she replied calmly, "believe me when I say that I could not care less what you do behind my back. Nothing was ever going to happen between us."

"…it wasn't?" he asked, sounding disappointed.

"No, it wasn't. You're too old for me and I feel absolutely no attraction to you whatsoever."

"Really? None?"

"Not even the tiniest bit. So, hey, good luck with Funnel Cake girl."

"Uh, okay… well, see ya,"

"Probably not," Helga replied as we began the trek to Summer's house.

"You know, that was very mature of you," I stated.

"Uggghhh, stop telling me that," she groaned in reply.

"Well, it was. You could have told Staci that Alex… or, 'Xander', I suppose… was hitting on you earlier, but you kept it to yourself."

"Well, yeah, it's not like I would've gained anything from it other than a bit of schadenfreude. Maybe that would've been enough a few years ago, but it just doesn't do anything for me anymore."

"A very mature attitude," I said, grinning.

"I swear you do this on purpose."

"Well, obviously."

-HELGA-

The house had certainly seen better days. The tiny "lawn" was mostly weeds, the paint was peeling, and the roof was barely holding on. The doorbell was just a non-functioning ornament, so I risked a knock on the door.

"SUMMER! SUMMER! GET THE DOOR!" a rough voice yelled. "WHERE THE HELL IS THAT LITTE TRAMP?! JESUS… ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I'M COMIN'…" Heavy footsteps were heard approaching the door, which opened to reveal what was clearly Summer's mother. All you had to do was subtract two decades, about fifty pounds, and two packs a day, and they could be twins. She eyed the two of us suspiciously. "Whaddayou two want," she half-asked, half-accused. "You ain't collectin' for one o'them crazy religions, are you?" I could already tell this was going to be a pleasant conversation.

"Actually," I answered, "we're friends of Summer, and we were wondering if you had any idea where she was?"

The woman stink-eyed us. "Didn't know the little whore had friends. You learn something new every day. Anyway, I have no idea where she is, and frankly I don't care. Sooner the little parasite's out of my hair, the better."

Yikes.

Now, Bob's never exactly been Dad of the year. He's better these days, but even at his absolute worst, he was downright cuddly compared to this woman. Once again, I felt a pang of empathy for Summer. This couldn't have been a fun house to grow up in.

"Well, thanks for your help," I said, figuring there was no further progress to be made here.

"Whatever," she replied, slamming the door in our faces. Just as well, really; frankly I just wanted to get out of here. The less time spent around Mrs. Ironic Last Name, the better. Unfortunately, now the two of us were out of leads.

"So, now what?" I asked Phoebe as we walked away from the Love residence.

"Have you tried contacting Brainy's cel?" she responded.

"Unfortunately, I don't have his number. I should have asked for it when I talked to him earlier, but I was kind of in my own head and didn't think to do it."

"Hold on," Pheobe advised, fiddling with her phone for a minute. "There. I asked Rhonda to text me his number. She uses his DJ services for her parties sometimes, so I figure she has it."

"Well, that's a start. I do have a few other ideas, but I'm gonna need to make a couple of changes before I do."

I hadn't bothered to pack my costume, since I didn't think it was likely I'd have a need for it, but I did see fit to pack on outfit that would fit my mutant bod, on the off-chance that I felt like doing some night flying. Nothing major, just a pair of jeans and a white four-sleeved T-shirt emblazoned with a pink-bow-wearing "Grey" head with the caption "ALIEN GURL." I had a grey jacket that went with it, but it was too hot tonight. The outfit was designed so that I could easily get it on in my human form, then let my extra limbs slip through the openings as I shifted.

"There. I can cover more ground faster this way." I said. "And if I can reach his phone, my super-hearing should be able to pick up his ringtone."

"Seems practical," Phoebe commented, "but what if you run into Summer? Even with the changes to your face, it's still similar enough that she may recognize you."

"I thought of that," I replied, fishing a bandana out of my duffel and tying it over the lower half of my face. "That should do the job."

"Very well. I'll continue the ground-level search. Good luck!"

The beach party was still in full swing, despite the absence of one of the acts. They'd simply gone on to the next performers on the bill, a 90s hip-hop tribute group called 2 Legit. The crowd was too caught up in the celebration to look up, which was just fine with me. The last thing I needed right now was to draw attention.

I scanned the crowd for a sign of Summer but came up empty. After a few sweeps f the crowd, I decided to expand the search radius, ranging further up and down the beach. There didn't seem to be much activity with the beach bash drawing all the locals and tourists. There really wasn't much past the main area, but way, way up further, you could see a storage shack that could be accessed through a back road. Didn't seem like anything worth checking out… although… if I was going to hide someone…

Going on that hunch, I swooped down next to the shack and tapped the door. "Hey!" A voice shouted from inside. "Someone locked me in here!"

"Hey, Brainy," I answered back.

"Helga?" he asked. "Oh thank god it's you. That girl is nuts."

"Don't I know it," I replied. "Just step as far away from the door as you can."

"Oh," he said, realizing. "You're going to-"

"Oh yeah," I replied, punching the door clean off its hinges.

Brainy, looking a bit disheveled and minus his glasses but otherwise all right, was leaning against the back wall. "I bet that would've looked awesome if I could see that clearly," he joked.

"Where are your glasses?" I asked.

"Somewhere on the floor. Broken."

"Well, for once it wasn't my fault," I remarked. He chuckled. "So… just to make sure my hunch is right… who did this to you?"

"I never got her name, but… she was about 19 or 20, had a deep tan and very very blond hair, and she was wearing a crew T-shirt and cap. She seemed to think that… heh heh, that I was your boyfriend or something. Like that'd ever happen, right?"

"Heh heh, yeah," I agreed, awkwardly rubbing the back of my head. "Let's get you out of here."

-SUMMER-

I had just gotten back from checking on my captive. Heh. "Captive." I'm a kidnapperr now. That escalated quickly, right? Yesterday it was petty pranks, today I knocked someone out and locked him up. That's a logical progression, right?

…well, it's not like I was gonna keep him locked up forever, right? I'll let him go just as soon as his bitch girlfriend goes home. Yeah… nobody has to get hurt… more… and nobody has to press charges…

…yeah, it was kind of only occurring to me now that I really could go to jail for this. Sure, my mind sort of brushed on the topic, but I rationalized that it would get me away from Mom at least. But I knew enough to know that jail would be no vacation.

So, now, I was mostly focused on figuring out how the hell I was gonna get out of this.

I was arriving back at the beach party when Nerdboy's phone went off again. I cursed myself for not ditching the thing when I had the chance. Well, the only thing to do was ignore it and try not to look suspicious.

Except it didn't stop. It kept going off again and again. Someone was really eager to reach that dork.

"Hey!" A voice shouted. I glanced over and spotted Helga Bitchtaki's little geek friend. She was looking right at me. I attempted to pretend like I hadn't heard her and began to casually stroll off, hoping that maybe she was yelling to someone else.

"Wait!" she yelled. Nope. I don't know how she'd done it, but somehow she was on to me. She'd made the connection that dialing Nerdboy's number wazs making "my" phone ring and had guessed that I had something to do with him disappearing. Well, fine. I wasn't taking any chances at that point. I bolted as fast as my legs could carry me, hoping the crowd would impede any chance she had of catching up with me. Maybe if I got back to the shack fast enough, I could let that guy out and talk my way out of this whole situation somehow.

-PHOEBE-

The crowd back at the party was pretty thick, and it was hard to pick any one person out of it. It looked like this particular part of the investigation had hit a dead end.

A chirp on my phone alerted me. It looked like Rhonda had finally gotten back to me with Brainy's number. Well, it was worth a try, though the likelihood that any decent criminal would leave Brainy his cell phone was pretty slim.

I dialed and listened. Of course, nobody was picking up, but I could hear a ringtone going off in unison with the ringing, somewhere at the edge of the crowd. I recognized it as a chiptune version of the Police's "Every Breath You Take"… a bit on the nose, really. I dialed again while looking in the direction the ringtone had come from.

Bingo. There she was. So, she'd had the good sense to take his phone, but not enough to ditch it, or at the very least turn it off. A criminal mastermind, she was not. "Hey!" I yelled, seeing if she would react. She did seem to notice, but pretended not to and began to stroll off a little too nonchalantly. "Wait!" I yelled again, and this time she gave up all pretense of innocence bolted like a startled rabbit. "Damn," I muttered to myself as I pushed my way through the crowd, my finger already hitting Helga's autodial number.

"Majestic Eagle to Mighty Falcon! The rabbit it on the move!"

"Hey, when I said you could have a new code name, I didn't mean one better than mine!" Helga replied peevishly.

"Too bad. I like it. Anyway, what's going on on your end?"

"Well, you'll be happy to know that I've found Brainy, and aside from a par of broken glasses and a slight headache, he's fine."

"Excellent. Well, Summer's in possession of Brainy's cell, so she's almost definitely our woman. I've lost sight of her, but I saw which direction she ran off in. Shall I pursue?"

"Eh, I don't think you'll have to. I have a feeling she'll be coming my way soon enough."

-SUMMER-

I was pretty sure I'd managed to lose Mousey McMouserton, but I took several random turns to be sure before finding my way back to the shack. Hopefully, I could convince Nerdboy that this was all just some crazy Internet prank show or something like that and we could all move on and pretend one of this ever happened.

That hope crumbled when I made it back and noticed that not only was Nerdboy free, but that freaky superhero chick from the city, Hell Girl or whatever (with the horns and the tail it was probably something like that), had been the one to free him. How she'd gotten here, and why she was dressed like some kind of gang member instead of her usual suit, I had no idea, but the fact was I was deeply screwed.

"Well, well," she said, lower hands on hips, upper arms crossed in front of her chest, her three eyes boring a disapproving hole right through me. "For a miserable little shack in the middle of nowhere, it sure is popular tonight. Is this the woman who assaulted you, Mr. Bartlett?"

"That's her," he confirmed.

Something was telling me talking my way out of the situation was a non-starter. They guy had me positively ID'd, and there was no way puny little me could take down, or outrun, a mutant chick. I was officially SOL. So, all that was left was to own up to it and hope the fact that it was my first (known) offense would make the court go easy on me. "Okay, fine, you got me." I said. "Take me away. I deserve it."

"You don't exactly come off as a hardened criminal," Hell Girl remarked. "Why'd you decide to start with kidnapping? Seems kind of ambitious…"

I sighed. "I don't know," I said. "There's this girl, and she pretty much ruined my life without even realizing it, and… I just wanted to get back at her so bad… and I saw a chance and just went for it. I thought… well, no, really I didn't think at all, did I. I just did it because I'm fucked up in the head. I… mom was right. I'm garbage. I deserve whatever I'm going to get."

"Your mom called you that?" Hell Girl asked.

I snorted in response. "That's one of the nicer things she called me."

"Jesus." There was something in her eyes. It was hard to tell because her eyes were so alien-looking, but was that compassion? "What kind of person does that?"

"She's been like that ever since daddy walked out on us," I said. "Guess she saw me as the burden he dumped on her. Well, I guess I've proved she was right all along."

"Huh," Hell Girl commented, as if mulling things over. "Mr. Bartlett, how are you feeling?'

"Well, my head's a little sore, but I don't think I'm seriously hurt or anything."

"Okay," she nodded. "Give him back anything you took from him, and pay for his broken glasses, and… maybe nobody has to know any of this happened?"

"Seriously?" both me and Nerdboy replied at the same time.

"Yeah, seriously," Hell Girl responded. "I mean, if you think about it, this whole situation's been resolved, nobody really got hurt and no real damage was done, so I don't really see a reason to see someone get stuck with a criminal record, as long as she never pulls anything like this again."

"I promise!" I agreed eagerly. "From now on it's the straight and narrow for me!" I couldn't believe my luck, and the last thing I wanted to do was push it.

"Okay. Now, I never, ever want to see you again. Got it?"

"Trust me," I said. "That's the last thing I want." I fished around in my pockets. "Okay, here's your phone, your wallet, your… whatever this is…"

"My inhaler," he said. "I have asthma."

"Oh, shit, sorry," I said, handing it back hurriedly.

"Eh, I haven't really had a bad attack in ages, but I still like to carry it around just in case."

"Uh, well… okay," I said. "I guess I'll just go now…" Before the others could reply, I hurried off, eager to put this whole thing behind me, and determined to never wind up in this kind of situation again.

-HELGA-

"I'm kind of surprised you just… let her go like that," Brainy said as we strolled back along the beach.

"Yeah, well, you know… I kinda found myself relating a bit. She's not the only one who acted out because of a shitty home life. Though I gotta admit, hers makes my childhood look downright idyllic." I glanced back at him. "I could just fly you back, you know," I offered.

"I'm not really the biggest fan of heights," he replied. "Besides, I don't really think I'm up to doing my set tonight."

"That's a shame," I responded. "I was kinda looking forward to hearing it."

"Well, then," he said smiling. "I think we'll have to arrange a private performance for you."

"It's a date!" I answered back, before my brain realized my choice of words. "I mean… we… we should do that."

"It's okay, I know what you mean," he chuckled. "I mean, it's not like you'd date-date me."

"W-well… I'm not so sure about that…" I said. "I mean, if… maybe someone were to ask when I'm a good mood… maybe I'd consider it?"

"And… do we know who this particular someone is?"

"We might."

He turned to me. "Helga G. Pataki, would you do me the honor of going out with me sometime?"

And just like that, I was on the spot. Granted, I'd kind of been the one to raise the question, but I didn't think he'd call my bluff so soon.

"When would we be talking about?" I asked.

"How about next Saturday night?"

A.N.: Will she? Won't she? You'll just have to wait 'til next time when-

"…okay," I said. "Saturday night."

"Yeah, I understand, I'm really sorry I put you un- wait, did you say okay?"

"Yes, I did. Don't get any ideas, Brainy. I'm not gonna run off with you to Paris or anything, but… one date? Yeah… I think after all we've been through, you deserve a chance."

"Okay. Looks like I have about two weeks to come up with a way to wow you. Don't worry, you won't regret this."

"I'd better not."

A.N.: Yeah, I couldn't make you wait. Anyway, that's it, at last, for the beach arc! Next up… well, it could be anyone's guess, really.

Thanks to metalheadrailfan for the design of Helga's outfit; it's from the fanart of Teen Mutant Helga on his DA gallery, which you should definitely check out. I've been looking for an excuse to have her wear his outfit, and I finally managed to fit it in here.

Jose: Yes, Oso is a Lobo reference, with a bit of Skulker from Danny Phantom thrown in. We'll be seeing more of him soon enough.

See you all next time, and stay healthy!