Chapter 16

The Date

-BRIAN-

It's a miracle.

She said yes.

By some strange quirk of fate, Helga G. Pataki has agreed to go out with me, Brian C. Bartlett. The princess is giving the frog a chance.

…

…oh crap, she said yes. Now I actually have to think about what we're going to do. I'm not ready for this. I am absolutely not ready for this. Not in a million years. What am I going to do? I never even entertained the possibility that she would give me a shot, but she did. What am I going to do? What am I going to do? I never planned for this!

…and that, basically, is where my head's been at since leaving Spencer Beach Monday. Just trying to figure out just how I'm going to manage this date thing. Do I just take her to Chez Paris? That's the most zero-effort thing imaginable. Some sort of secluded moonlight dinner? No, no, no, way too forward. She just got out of a break-up. I can't just go right to gooshy romantic stuff. Wouldn't be proper.

First and foremost, I need to get her relaxed. The absolute last thing I need to do is go all high-pressure on her so soon after Arnold left. What I really, really, need is a low-pressure situation… maybe some kind of group-activity… Something light, fun… stupid…

I was on Mulberry street when I saw it. The cheesiest, silliest possible diversion I could possibly take her on.

The germ of an idea was there, then. I just had to get everything else into place.

"Why, hello, Brian. I must say, I wasn't expecting to hear from you. Did you perhaps misdial Helga's number?"

"Hey, Phoebe. No, no, this was on purpose."

"Mmm-hmm… am I to assume you're seeking advice regarding your Saturday night excursion with my dearest and closest friend?"

Of course Phoebe saw me coming. Why should I have expected otherwise from the valedictorian of both sixth and eighth grade? "Well…"

"Well… I would be happy to help you, but first, I need to make something clear. Helga has spent nearly all of her life devoted to a single man, perhaps to a point that was not entirely healthy. This is the first time she has even considered entertaining alternate romantic options. Of course, as her best friend, I firmly back her on that decision, as I am obligated to back all her decisions. Nevertheless… and I am telling you this in the strictest confidence… she is more vulnerable than she lets on. If you treat her well, that will be the end of it. But if you hurt her, in any way, then there will be no place on Earth that you can hide. Wherever you go, whatever you do… I will find you, and I will fucking end you. Are we clear?

I gulped. "Crystal."

"Great!" And like that, her cheerful tone was back as if she hadn't just threatened to murder me. And she looks so sweet on the outside. Mental note: never, ever piss her off. "Now that that's out of the way, how can I help you? Are you seeking advice in regards to restaurant or activity choices?"

"Actually, I kind of already have an idea of what I want to do. I was thinking we make it a group date so she doesn't feel any pressure."

"That… actually sounds like an excellent idea. Of course, we'd have to find out who is available to join us. I'm fairly certain I can persuade Gerald to participate, but anyone else is up in the air at this point. What activity were you considering?"

I told her.

"I'm not going to lie to you… that sounds ridiculous. Let's do it."

-HELGA-

The week after returning from the beach passed by fairly quickly. Like I've said before, my job at the bookstore isn't very demanding at all and gives me a lot of free time, and this week most of it was spent speculating on just what Brainy had planned for us Saturday night. Of course, spending a lot of time thinking about a boy wasn't exactly a new experience for me, but it was different this time. Thinking about Arnold had this hazy, daydreamy quality, even long after the two of us were officially together. The kind of thought that inspired me to crack open the Little Pink Book and churn out pages of flowery poetry. This… this was different. More grounded. More comfortable. At this point, I wasn't sure whether that was a good or bad thing.

One thing I could definitely not deny, though, was the effect this change had wrought upon my literary output. I had not written a single love poem since the breakup… but that doesn't mean I hadn't written anything. Rather, without my Arnold obsession driving me, my writing had taken on a broader range of subject matter. Just two days ago, I had been inspired to write an entire ballad based on a wrestling match I had seen on TV. And while I wouldn't call it some of my best work, I must admit that I went to some pretty creative places. And it wasn't just poetry that I was turning out… I had decided to indulge another longtime hobby of mine and start up a blog discussing and rating my favorite horror movie series, starting with the Evil Twin pentology. I had maybe a dozen followers so far… hardly Nadine's Tic gaming stream or Peapod Kid's… whatever the hell you called that weird influencer schtick of his, but it wasn't half bad to have people paying attention to what you had to say.

I was even thinking of getting into longform fiction. While One for the Books' inventory was, to put it mildly, highly eclectic, one thing it could boast was an extensive collection of detective literature, from the hardboiled pulp era to modern. And so, with so much to dive into, with everything from Chandler to Evanovitch at my fingertips, I found myself really getting into the genre, and the seeds of creating my own detective were beginning to germinate. So far, all I had was a name… Cecile Hart. Because all my reading had taught me was that the most important part of creating a character was coming up with a name that could me milked for endless pun-based titles.

And so, this was how I spent my week, goofing off at work and writing my review of Evil Twin IV: Double Double (short review: this one was kind of phoned in since the original Evil Twin director had moved on to work on the Die Laughing series and they'd hired some hack who previously directed Yahoo soda commercials). Eventually, Saturday afternoon arrived, and with it, a text from Brainy telling me to meet him downstairs.

-Now? I texted back. -I'm not exactly dressed for a date at the moment. I thought we were going to do this in the evening.

-Can't do that. The place we're going closes at 6, he returned.

What kind of date place closes at 6 on a Saturday? Where was he taking us? Even Guiseppe Giraffe's Fun-Time Pizza Playhouse, a place we outgrew ages ago, stays open 'til at least 7. -Where are we going? I asked.

-It's a surprise, he replied.

-I'm not a huge fan of surprises, I reminded him. -At least until you've earned the right to surprise me.

-Fortune favors the bold, he responded enigmatically.

Well, fine. Okay. I was at least a little intrigued. -Can I have a few minutes to change? I asked.

-What you're wearing now is probably fine. Huh. So it's definitely not something fancy. I guess he figured that wasn't thee route it took to impress me.

Well, if what I was wearing was fine, then he'd better be okay with old jeans, a black Raid on Bungling Bay T (swag from the beach trip), and pink sneakers. Because that was what I was going to be wearing. I tied my hair back with my trademark pink ribbon and took the elevator down to meet him. He was standing in front of a hired Ryde car when I arrived. "Last chance," I said. "You can back out now if you want. I'm well aware I'm not exactly an easy person to date."

"Hey, if years of your fist in my face haven't scared me off by now, they're not gonna finally succeed today," he remarked with an assured (and yes, cute) smile. "You'll need to put this on, by the way." He handed me a long, wide strip of black cloth.

I raised an eyebrow. "You're blindfolding me?" I asked. "I thought this was a date, not a cult initiation. Is this where I disappear into a bunker for two decades with your ten other wives until I finally get rescued and they write a Webflix miniseries about me starring Cara Delevingne?"

"Oh, no, god no! I'm just trying to add an air of mystery to the whole proceeding!"

"Rats. I think she'd be perfect in the role. Oh well." I tied on the blindfold. "You realize that by doing this, you've raised my expectations to ridiculous heights that the reality almost certainly can't live up to?"

"Well, I do now," he admitted.

"Oh, relax, Brany, I'm just messing with you," I said, elbowing him in the side… or where I thought his side was, which it turned out was not where I elbowed. "You might need to help me into the car."

"Don't you have X-Ray vision?"

"Not even when my powers are on."

"Oh. I don't know why I thought you did." He gently took me by the elbow and eased me into the car and I had to admit it felt pretty nice. Not Arnold nice, but well, he's still an impossible standard in my mind and I'm reasonably sure that even if I somehow manage to wean myself off him, I'm probably still going to be unreasonably comparing every boy I'm with to him. Still, I suppose it's a sign of growth that I'm giving him a decent chance to break through my resistance, right?

I felt the car start up and we drove. I tried to mentally picture Hillwood's layout in my mind to see if I could determine where Brainy was taking us, but the driver took so many seemingly random turns (and I'm fairly certain Brainy had advised her to do so beforehand for the sole purpose of preventing me from doing exactly what I was doing), that I very quickly lost my bearings and gave up on trying to guess where the day was going to take us.

Finally, the car rolled to a stop, with me none the wiser. "Okay, we're here!" Brainy confirmed, helping me out of the car. "You can take off your blindfold now!" he advised.

"All right, but if t turns out this is your secret cult bunker you can forget about a second date." I removed my blindfold and took a look in front of me. Then I looked around to make sure that I wasn't looking at the wrong thing, but it seemed unlikely that our destination was a gas station or a carpet store. No, this was the only logical destination, no matter how ridiculous it was.

"Laser Tag?"

"Surprise!" confirmed Brainy.

"This is still a thing?"

"It's actually still shockingly popular in this state."

"And… you brought me here. For our date. This was your plan."

"Yyyyyep."

"And this is not some elaborate fake out and you're not ging to lead me through the building to reveal you're actually taking me to the nice restaurant behind it."

"Nnnnope," he replied enigmatically.

I sighed. "All right. I've come this far, so let's see where this is going."

"As you wish, m'lady," he said, taking my arm.

"Promise me you don't own a fedora," I demanded of him.

"Ew. No." he replied.

"Good. Just checking." So. Laser Tag. This was really happening. "I guess we're gonna be spending the next hour or so running around with a bunch of little snot-noses pretending to shoot each other."

"Well, you're half-right," he said, holding the door open. "About pretending to shoot each other, anyway. But the 'little brats' part… not so much."

What was he talking ab-

"Well, it's about time you got here, Pataki," a familiar male voice announced. "I was startin' to grow roots."

"Gerald,' his companion scolded, elbowing him. "We are here to be supportive."

"Sorry, babe," Gerald replied to Phoebe. "You know waitin' makes me all antsy."

It wasn't just them. Curly and Sheena, Rhonda and Nadine, Eugene and Scott, Sid and Lila, and Rani and… some guy I swear I've never seen before, were all present.

"I hope you don't mind," Brainy apologized. "I was thinking you would be more relaxed if we made this a casual couples' group thing. Was I being too presumptuous?"

Too be honest, I didn't know what to expect from this date. A part of me kind of did want something a bit more… traditional. One on one. And here, Brainy had not only brought along a fifth wheel, but a sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth and tenth. And yet… he'd done it to be considerate. He knew I had just gotten out of a long-time relationship and that maybe going all-out romantic with me could drive me off. I had to admit that it was a thoughtful gesture. "Well… It wasn't exactly what I expected, but… I can work with this." I grinned evilly. "Let's own these losers."

"Oh yeah?" Rani's companion, a lanky, freckled boy with curly brown hair retorted. "Your team's the one who's gonna be owned, Pataki."

I gave him an odd look. "Do I know you?" I asked.

"Um, I'm Nate?" he replied as if that should mean something. After I returned a blank look. "Don't tell me you don't remember me. Nate? You mentioned me in that really nice poem at the Cocoa Hut back in fourth grade?"

Oh, shit, there really was a Nate? I just used that name as rhyme filler! "Ohhh, right, Nate! How could I possibly forget?" I lied.

"All right," Brainy continued. "Let's get this show on the road, then."

"So, you want to play in seven teams of two each, is that it?" the counterperson, a bored-looking woman with light brown hair, asked.

"That's right," Brainy confirmed.

"Okay, we can do that," she replied. "I'll need your names, and to register a color for each of your teams."

"Helga Pataki and Brian Bartlett. Team Pink." I said.

"Gerald Johansenn and Phoebe Heyerdahl. Team blue." Gerald added.

"Sid Gifaldi and Lila Sawyer. Team green, baby!" shouted Sid.

"Rani Patel and Nate Wilkinson. Team gold."

"Rhonda Lloyd and Nadine Robinson-"

"Team red," Nadine interrupted. "As in how red your faces''ll be when we completely humiliate you."

"Sweetie, these are our friends," Rhonda responded through a forced smile.

"There are no friends on the battlefield." Nadine retorted. "Only victims." I suppressed a snicker. Everyone thought of Nadine as that nice girl who chased butterflies, but few knew just how ruthlessly competitive the girl could get.

"…uh huh." the front desk woman, who I swear I've seen somewhere before, replied, ignoring her. "much as I'm fascinated by your group's internal dynamics, can we move on?"

"Thaddeus Gammelthorpe and Sheena Kacjynszki."

"It's spelled like it sounds," added Sheena unhelpfully. "We're team silver."

"Scott Morgan and Eugene Horowitz-"

"Team MAUVE!" interrupted Eugene enthusisastically.

"…I'll just put down purple," the woman stated flatly. "So, that's fourteen guns, fourteen sensors, and, since these are real lasers and you can totally blind yourselves if you're not careful, fourteen sets of protective goggles." She reached behind the counter to provide the requested equipment. "Oh, and also, so we don't get sued if you do manage to blind yourselves…" She produced a stack of forms. "Fourteen legal waivers. Have a non-litigious day."

Many signatures and a suit-up sequence later…

The arena consisted of a large, open central area punctuated by towerlike structures, surrounded on three sides by a network of labrynthine corridors. Lots of possibilities for any strategy.

"Okay, here's how it works," the bored-sounding woman's voice echoed over the arena's intercom. "You all have two minutes before the sensors become active, so you're going to want to use that time to get a feel for the maze and find a good position for your team. Once the sensors activate, you get hit, you're out. The LEDs on your chest sensor will light up in the color of the team that got you. Last team standing wins. If there's a tie after the clock runs out, the winner will be decided by who gets the most kills? Any questions? Too bad, because the intercom's only one-way. The round starts… now."

At the chime, the teams all began to scramble for position, most of them making for the labyrinth of passages. "So, what's the plan, Brainy?" I asked.

"You see those walkways up there?" I looked up: Sure enough, there was an entire second level of walkways up there, connected by the tower structures. "There's a way to get up there. We manage that, we have the high ground and we'll be able to pick everyone else off at our leisure."

"Yeah, but won't everyone else have the same idea?" I asked.

"True, but I happen to know exactly where the hidden stairway is." He gestured to one of the passages in the northern set of corridors. "That way."

We ran for it. "You okay running?" I asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine. The fog's actually good for my sinuses."

We made our way into the corridors, but were unable to make it to the stairway before a chime started. "You are now all active targets," the announcer said in her flat tone. "Congratulations."

"Damn, I thought we'd be faster," Brainy said. "Be ready. Death can come from any angle."

"Gotcha!" a cheerful voice announced from the left. Eugene and Scott had found us.

"Okay, you got us," I said.

"I'm really sorry," Eugene replied apologetically. "To be fair, why don't I spin around a couple of times before I fire to make it more fair?"

"Eugene, I don't think that's a good i-" Scott began, but Eugene was already in motion. As he spun, the gun slipped out of his hands and fell, going off and hitting both of them. "Well, I have to admit, we lasted longer than I thought we would."

"Yep! See you guys later!"

"Well, that was a thing that happened," I commented. "But the rest probably won't be so easy."

Somewhere in the maze, I could hear two laser noises and Sid's tell-tale wail, signaling his and Lila's elimination. We were down to five teams now. I hushed Brainy, and led him away from the noise. "Listen for footsteps," I whispered. He nodded and we hugged the wall as we turned the corner. As we did, Rani and Nate emerged from the corridors to the right and left, both drawing a bead on us. I forced Brainy to duck with me and the two took each other out.

"Sorry," Nate said.

"I'm breaking up with you," Rani responded, fuming.

Nate shrugged. "That's fair."

There were three teams left against us, but we had made it to the stairway to the second level. Soon the high ground would be ours.

Unfortunately, it turned out Gerald and Phoebe's team had gotten the same idea. And they got the drop on us. And unlike Eugene, those two were very unlikely to screw up.

"Hey," I said. "Maybe you could give us a head-start? Since we've been BFFs so long?"

"Hmm… she repled. "It's true. You've been my best friend as long as I can remember. On the other hand…" She drew her pistol. "Mercy is for the weak."

"Damn, girl, remind me never to forget our anniversary," Gerald remarked.

Phoebe fired, and time seemed to slow to a crawl as Brainy leapt in front of me to intercept the beam. The telltale electronic whine of the sensor told me that Phoebe had hit her mark."

"Brainy?" I asked, catching his falling form. Brainy?"

"Are… you okay?"

"You… you took a fake laser beam for me."

"I'd do it again. And even a third time. The only regret… I have… *cough* is that I'll never see you smile… again…" And with one last cough, his eyes closed, a smile on his face.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" I shouted to the heavens, cradling his body.

"…This is still fake, right?" asked Gerald.

"Shhh, they're having a moment," Phoebe replied, nudging him.

"I swear to you, you will be avenged," I said. "Whatever it takes. "

"Okay, moment's over," Phoebe said, firing, but I ducked, rolled and fired twice, taking out both Phoebe and Gerald.

"Rest well, my sweet prince," I said.

Brainy opened one eye. "So, maybe pizza after the game's over?"

"Yeah, I could go for that. Now go win… for us." He fell over and closed his eye again.

Right… who was left…

I heard a distant tapping in second-level corridors that connected to the walkways. "Helga Pataki…. Come out and pla-ay…" an eerie falsetto sounded. Curly? I couldn't tell. It sounded like something he would say, but the voice was off. Judging the direction of the voice I tried to circle around to outflank it.

"*tap tap tap* Helga Pataki… come out and pla-ay…" The voice echoed again, but seeming to come from the exact opposite corner it had before. It was me who was being outflanked.

Well, then. I go down fighting.

The tapping grew closer. I flattened myself against the wall, eyes darting back and forth looking for the first opponent to emerge.

They never came. Two quick shots and two electronic whines. "Aw, c'mon!" Curly's voice shouted.

"I thought you were out?" Sheena's voice added.

"That's what I wanted you to think," Nadine's voice replied. Keep talking, I thought. Keep it up so I can sneak up on you. "Next time you kill me, make sure you finish the job."

I peered around the corner. There she was, basking in the glow of her kill. All I had to do was get a clear shot at her sensor. Which meant I had to risk drawing her attention. I coughed loudly, hoping she'd whirl around reflexively to nail me. What I did not expect was for her to grab Sheena and use her as a shield while preparing her own shot. Then again…. I probably should have. Like I said, Nadine is ruthlessly competitive.

"You didn't think it would be that easy, did you?" She asked.

"In the end…. Yeah. I kinda did," I said, as I dramatically fell.

"Can you believe Rhonda's never seen that movie?"

"I know, right? She's ignorant of so much classic cinema. You're not doing your job, girl."

"Hey, I'm trying, but we have a lot of ground to cover."

"Red team wins," the cashier/announcer, er, announced. "Congratulations and huzzah."

"If you'll excuse me, I have to go find my girlfriend's 'body' and tell her I've avenged her." Nadine said.

"Right, see ya around, Bug Girl." I had a partner of my own to find.

He was chilling right where I left him. "So, you're dead too now, huh," he said.

"Yep, 'fraid so. It's not as bad as I thought it'd be, honestly."

"Yeah, you kinda get used to it quickly."

"So…. Interesting first date," I said.

"Interesting as in 'I had fun," or interesting as in 'may you live in interesting times?'"

"Well, let's just say this; odds are looking pretty good that I'll say yes to a second date. But it's okay if you wanna go a little more traditional for the next one."

"Hmm… maybe I will, maybe I won't," he said.

"Keeping me in suspense, Brainy?"

"Of course. That's what makes it fun."

A.N.: And there it is, Helga and Brainy's first date! I could've done something a bit more normal, but where's the fun in that?

If you're wondering who the manager of the laser tag place is supposed to be, it's none other than Pet Shop Girl, who has decided to move on to a job that involves slightly less feces. Can you blame her?

Jose: Thanks, yes, Wolfgang's upbringing has a lot to do with how he acts. Notice his dad is also named after a composer (Mahler, in his case), marking him as something of a bully himself.

Veganmama: Thanks! I've read far too many fics where Rhonda's relegated to the role of the stereotypical High School Mean Girl, and I feel like her character's more complex than that. I'm glad you appreciate it.

Thanks for the kind words, faves and follows, everyone! See you next time!