Chapter 24

Potential Break-up Chapter

Hillwood Boardwalk

-LILA-

Well, this was it. Step one of my glorious transformation. Step two would be accomplished later today, but this first step was important, and had been a long time coming.

"Sid..." I began, "I didn't ask you here just to hang out. This… this isn't easy for me."

"Heh, hey, check it out. That cat's on a skateboard."

"…yes, I suppose that's pretty adorable…" Okay, girl, you can do this. Don't get distracted by skateboarding cats, no matter how ridiculously cute they are. The band-aid must be ripped off, no matter how much you don't want to do it. You've bred it into yourself to be passive and non-confrontational, but that has to change. You need to start being assertive. And it all starts here. "Sid, I think we should-"

"Hey, you know what would make this even better?" Sid fished a small white object out from his pocket. "Now, where did I put my lighter…"

Well, you just made this a whole lot easier. "Sid, I think we should start seeing other people. And… not each other."

"What? Why?"

"It's… a lot of little things, really. Little skinny white things."

"I don't get what you're saying, babe."

"I'm saying… lately, it feels like you're more interested in getting high than you are in me."

"Aw, c'mon, that's not true. You know you're number one in my book…"

"You are literally lighting up a joint as I'm speaking to you!"

"Oh," He looked down. "I guess I am. Well, better not waste it…"

"See, this is what I'm talking about. I'm about to break up with you because of this and you still can't stop yourself."

"Hey, you know I like to get blazed. I don't see why it's such a problem all of a sudden."

"It's not sudden. It's been building up for a while now. You're always blowing me off to go get high with Stinky and Iggy, and I've been putting up with it until now because… well, because I have a problem confronting people. It's only lately I realized that that's not the person I want to be any more, and that I have to start making changes in my life if I want to become the person I do want to be. And one of the changes I have to make is not letting people walk all over me anymore. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"*snicker* The cat just did a kickflip! He thinks he's people!"

"What, really?" Oh, come on, Lila, don't let yourself get distracted no matter how cute that sounds. "*sigh* Anyway… I've been content to leave you alone regarding your… habit, but it's really starting to get in the way of us. You know know what I mean."

"Well, then, I got good news for you. I'm gonna have a lot more time for you. Mr. Camacho caught me lighting up on the job, so he fired me! Isn't that great! Now I can hang with the guys and you!"

I threw up my hands. "Getting fired is not a good thing! See… this is the kind of thing that makes me wonder why I'm even with you in the first place!"

"Aw, c'mon, babe, you're with me because we're good together!"

"Are we, though? I want something that's going to go somewhere. I look at other couples… Harold and Patty, Thad and Sheena, Gerald and Phoebe, Rhonda and Nadine… even Helga and Arnold, because you know there's no way that's really over… those other couples, they feel like they fit together. You and me… don't. You don't notice it because you're content with how things are. Well, I'm not, and I haven't been for a long time now. I… I really feel like I'm with you out of inertia."

"Inner-whatnow?"

"It means we're stuck in a rut. And nobody wanted to change anything, you because you're fine with things staying this way forever and me because I'm scared to make a move. But… think about it… when did we first get together?"

"Oh, that's easy, it was…" He rubbed his head. "Come to thing of it, when was that?"

"Let me refresh your memory. It was right after I went on that morning show back in sixth grade. Now, bear in mind all I'd just been through… I caught a chunk of shrapnel in my gut, went through a very painful and traumatic metamorphosis, had a psychotic break, and got my body hijacked by a demon, all within the space of a few days. Then, the girls convince me to go on a morning show, only to have some muckraking journalist attempt to expose me as a monster. And bear in mind, as well, that at the time I was still stuck in my alien form, and I was very, very self-conscious about it. Now, here you are, the first boy to show interest in me at the time, despite what I'd done and how I looked. Is it any wonder I latched onto that like a hungry calf?"

Sid blinked, realizing just what I was getting at. "I get it," he said. "I… I never knew you felt that way. Man… all this time, I never realized I was taking advantage of you like that. I… I guess if I look at it that way, this all makes sense." He started to wail in that way he does. "I'm *sob* sorry, Lila! You must think I'm terrible!"

I smiled inwardly. Sure, he was kind of a lazy slacker, but deep down, he was a sweet guy. "I don't think that at all. It's not like you did any of this intentionally. And really, at least part of it is my fault for dragging it out this long." I gave him a pat on the shoulder. "And we'll always be friends, of course. It's not that I don't like you, I just don't feel like we're really compatible."

"So… you're not mad at me?"

"Well, I can't say that I wasn't a little upset the last time you stood me up, but… no, I'm not mad at you. I just think we'll work better as friends than as a- Oh my gosh, the cat's grinding on a rail now!"

"He is? Whoa, he is! That's awesome!"

Well, that was it. The deed was done. Now, it was time to move on to step two. My new look.

I just hope I don't go too overboard.

A Little Bit of Seoul Korean restaurant

-RHONDA-

"Well… that's the whole story." I exhaled in relief, having finally unloaded my burden.

"Wow," marveled Nadine. "That's… a lot to unpack."

"Tell me about it," I said. "There's this whole side of my family that I never knew existed, and it's horrible."

"Yeah, I… I have to level with you, I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through."

"I did a bit of research on him, you know. Not only did he try to brainwash my uncle, not only did he drive him to suicide, but it turns out he's also a gigantic racist on top of that, so there's that little nugget of info for me to process too."

"Oh, cool."

"Cool, how is any of that cool?"

"Because you're dating everything he hates." She smirked, giving my hand a squeeze. "I honestly can't think of a better act of defiance."

"Oh… oh my god, is that it? The whole race aspect never even occurred to me, but maybe it did subconsciously… Am I just dating you out of some innate need to rebel against my patrician upbringing?"

"Oh, for… I didn't mean it like that. Jeez, why is everything I say sending you into a shame spiral lately? No, Rhonda, you are not dating me to rebel against the grandfather that you didn't know existed until a couple of days ago."

"Sorry, sorry, I'm just all weirded out about this whole thing. I'm just… I don't know where this is going. I know he wants to get back in touch for whatever reason and I know my mom doesn't want anything to do with that and I know that won't stop him. So that means he's eventually going to come after me."

"So… what are you going to do about that?"

"Well, the plan, to the extent that I have one, is to wait until he makes contact with me, pretend that I don't know anything about him, and see if I can figure out just what his plans are. Of course, until he does get in contact, all I can do is speculate."

"When he does, we'll be ready."

"We? Nadine, this is my problem. I don't want you anywhere near it!"

"If it's your problem, it's my problem. You know the deal, right? This is ride or die. Unless you're thinking of doing something stupid, like, oh, I don't know… breaking up with me in some sort of misguided attempt to protect me…"

"What? No way. I'd never do something like that." Okay. That was a lie. The thought had occurred to me. This whole meeting had been me working up the courage to do just that, but thinking about pulling the trigger and actually doing it were two very different things. I thought maybe if I went through exactly what was going on with the whole situation that maybe I'd be able to build up a case for actually going through with it. And of course, a part of me knew that there was no way someone as awesome as Nadine would take that sitting down.

"Are you trying to lie to me?" she questioned, raising an eyebrow. See what I mean? She knows me too well. "That's exactly the kind of stupidly noble thing you'd try to pull knowing full well that I wouldn't have it. You do not get rid of me that easily, Rhonda Lloyd. I'm stubborn. I cling like a tick."

"You just compared yourself to a bloated blood-sucking parasite, you know." I said, giggling in spite of myself.

"Not their fault they need blood to live. It's how evolution made them."

"I'll agree to spare myself a lecture on the tick's life cycle." I said.

"Hey, I'm just happy you retained some knowledge about arachnids. Makes me feel like I'm not talking to the wall." She swished her bool jajang around idly with her chopsticks. "Anyway, seeing as you can't get rid of me, and you shouldn't even try, what's the plan?"

I slurped down a bit of naeng myun, more for the chance to think of what to say than to eat. "Hmm… maybe I'll go bug Helga, see if I can get my hands on some of that spy equipment of hers. Wire myself up. If I can catch him admitting to something illegal, maybe I can bring the feds down on him. It's a long shot…"

"Have you thought of coordinating with Bridget? If he's really as bad as you think, it might be a good call to get her resources on this."

"Maybe. Of course, none of this means anything until he contacts u-" I was cut off by my phone ringing. We held our breath as I checked. Sure enough it was an unfamiliar number. Could it be him? Hell of a coincidence if it was…

"Hello?" I asked.

"I did it, Rhonda! I finally did it!"

"Lila?" I asked. Of all the people I was expecting to call, she was the last… especially as, as far as I know, she didn't have a cell phone."

"Oh, sorry… yes, it's me. After that whole Oso fight, Suzie insisted on getting me a cell phone. She said the thought that I could be fighting alien monsters and they wouldn't be able to get in touch with me was too terrifying to consider. It's not a superfancy model, but I was able to get video of a skateboarding cat that I just have to show you-"

"Focus, Lils… what did you finally do?"

"Oh, right… I broke up with Sid."

"Oh, I'm really sorry…" Nadine mouthed What's going on? I responded She dumped Sid, she looked appropriately surprised.

"Oh, don't be, it was a lot easier than anticipated."

"How'd he take it?"

"Surprisingly well, especially after I made it clear it was more me than him, though, honestly, a lot of it was him."

"Well, hey. Good for you. Now what?"

"Now, I start working on my new look. I was thinking of maybe starting by cutting my hair…"

"What? Don't you dare do that!"

"Oh, it's no big deal. I'm certain I've been cutting my own hair since as long as I can remember…"

"You will do nothing of the sort! Establishing a new look for oneself is not something to be undertaken lightly. It's serious business, and must be treated with all the gravity such an endeavor deserves! And, consequently, you and I will be visiting my very own personal salon, where your hair will be attended to with all the loving care it deserves. So long as we don't get Quirk…" I added quietly.

'What? Who's Quirk?" she asked. "Really, you don't have to go through all the trouble…"

"Nonsense! It's what I would do for any friend. And afterward, I'll take you shopping wherever you want. This is what I live for, Lila. Don't do this without me."

"Well, all right. But I don't want you taking over."

"Of course not. This is all about you. I'm just taking care of the arrangements. The final word on anything is all yours."

"All right. It's just that you do sometimes have a tendency to make things about yourself."

"When have I ever?"

"Well, there was that time at Katrinka's going away party, and when Melissa was starting to transition and you dragged her to-"

"Hey, she was going to need fashion advice and- Okay, okay, point made. I promise I'll let you do all the driving. Just let me know when you want me to make the appointment."

"Thanks, that's all I ask. I'll see you soon! *beep*"

"So, you got yourself a consulting job, huh?" Nadine asked, leaning forward conspiratorially.

"Lila wants a makeover. I mean, it's about time, she's been pretty much wearing the same green farm dresses since she got here, but I kinda have a feeling she might want to go overboard. I think she may need someone to keep her from going too outrageous."

"Yeah, well, just don't forget this is about her."

"Tch. She just said the same thing to me. Am I really- no, no, don't answer that, I know I am. *sigh*" Well, at least I had a thing to distract me from the looming spectre of my mother's past. This was just the kind of project I needed to keep me occupied until the other shoe dropped.

We finished up lunch and prepared to leave. I noticed that towards the end, Nadine was repeatedly glancing out the window. "Something interesting out there?" I prodded.

"Not really, it's just… that's gotta be the ugliest car I've ever seen."

"Huh… I've been trying not to look directly at it."

"It's been there the whole time we're here, and I don't think I've seen anyone get into or out of it."

I shrugged. "So what? Lots of cars stay parked for a long time."

"True… but I'm getting a weird feeling I saw that car before. It's like… that memorable kind of ugly."

"Seems like a coincidence to me."

"Yeah, probably… maybe I caught Sid's paranoia."

"*chuckle* I hear the cure to that is squeezing your butt."

"Oh, that's your answer to everything!"

"Well, it's not my fault your butt is so squeezable."

"Rhon, you're terrible!"

"It's why you love me. Admit it."

"I will not!"

"Then live in denial! But know that I am coming for your butt!"

"Awp!" Nadine darted out of the restaurant and down the street.

"The chase is on," I said to no one as I jogged after.

Kitka Theater

-HELGA-

"So, what'd you think?" Brainy asked.

"Mmm. Best nap I ever had." I answered, yawning and stretching. Brainy had taken me to some pretentious Azerbaijani art flick, on the grounds that I needed to "broaden my horizons" or some such junk (that and Gut Grinder 3 was sold out).

"I kinda figured as much when I didn't have to fight you for the popcorn. You really missed a fascinating look into the human condition."

"Really?"

"No. It was easily the most boring thing I ever saw. I honestly think someone was paying off critics because that… THAT… I can't see what anyone could possibly get out of it."

"That bad, huh."

"There was this part where the director holds on a goat for like, twenty minutes. I got up, went to the bathroom, washed my hands, got a soda refill, and they were still on the goat when I got back. I don't think the director even had any kind of statement he was trying to make, I think he just left the camera on, went and did something else, came back, and said 'Eh… I'll just leave it in.' Or however you say that in Azerbaijani."

"Brainy, what are we doing?"

"I dunno… depends on why you're asking. Are you having surprise memory lapses, or is this the existential kind of 'What are we doing?'"

"*sigh* The second, doi. These past couple of weeks have been… nice, and all, but to be perfectly honest… I still see you as a placeholder for when Arnold comes back. I probably always will. And really, that's just not fair to you. You deserve better than a girl who's always looking past you."

He began to chuckle.

"What's so funny?" I asked. "I'm freakin' breaking up with you here and you're laughing like I just told you a really good joke."

"*chuckle* Helga, you think I don't know I'm a placeholder? I came in knowing full well that Arnold is the love of your life and that there's no real future for this."

"And, what, you're okay with that? You're just fine with knowing that, should Arnold just show up one day and say 'Welp, changed my mind, couldn't live without you, let's get back together', I would just take him back without even a second thought? That doesn't rankle you even a little bit?"

"Nope."

"WHY ARE YOU SO NICE?" I threw my hands up in frustration. "Why couldn't this be some parallel universe where, instead of coming to a mutual decision that a break from each other would be healthy, Arnold instead decided to leave me high and dry to pursue some crazy dream of his and the two of us got to slowly form a lasting, mutual relationship over a long period of time, eventually blossoming into a love perhaps less passionate and intense, but in the end stronger? That's the universe you deserve!"

"Helga," he interrupted.

"WHAT?" I asked.

"Don't obsess over the future. Enjoy the now. In the future, you're going to go back to him, I know that. But I'm content with being with you now."

"Was that the moral of the movie?"

"No, the moral of the movie was 'avoid Azerbaijani art-house films like the plague'. This is the moral of right now. Live in the moment."

And all of a sudden, I was kissing him.

…wow," he said after we parted. "If I had known philosophical musings were what got you in the mood, I'd've been doing a lot more pontificating."

"Sorry, sorry," I apologized. "I'm just the queen of mixed messaging today, aren't I."

"So…"

"I… I could do it again." I conceded.

And, well… we did. And it was good. It wasn't the greatest feeling ever… but it was good. For now. He was nice to be with. For now.

Live in the moment.

A.N.: If that parallel universe Helga was talking sounded familiar it's because it's the one from American HOT Fender's "Thirty" (and if it doesn't, GO READ IT NOW), which is a terrific story that focuses on how a Helga/Brainy relationship could realistically develop, and I wouldn't be so bold as to say that it would make even the most fanatical Shortaki shipper question themselves. But I would whisper it.

Jose: Yes, it's why I've had Brooke become a lot warmer than she is on the show… Rhonda's metamorphosis and later coming out made her realize that she had the opportunity to be the supportive parent her father never was. And yes, Helga still has trouble shaking her low self-esteem issues.

Veganmama: No doubt, it took a lot for Brooke to put Barbara Wendell's traumas behind her. As for Helga and Brainy, they've decided they're going to live in the now… for now.

SKATEBOARD CAT WILL RETURN

Next: Lila's makeover!