Chapter 27

Cards on the Table

Late at Night, uptown Hillwood

Officers Joe Minolta and Monica Fuego arrived on the scene. Even without knowing which store's alarm had been triggered, it was pretty clear which one was the one being robbed. The door to Beuler's Jewelers was completely gone.

"They're getting ambitious," remarked Fuego. "Usually they just pick the lock, not steal the door entirely."

"Look at the hinges," Minolta indicated. "The door wasn't cleanly removed, it was torn off the hinges. Which raises the question of where it is. Unless…" he rubbed his chin, "the door… was the target."

"Dude, who would target a jewelry store and steal the door instead of, oh, I dunno… the jewelry?" Fuego reasoned, giving her partner a skeptical side-eye. "More important… who would be strong enough to do this?"

"I can think of four people," Joe remarked.

"Ughhh… no, Joe, let's not go down that road."

"I'm saying, it's entirely possible one of them could go bad. I mean, they're only human, metaphorically speaking… the temptation has got to be there."

"I met the blue one once, you know. She was very polite. No way that girl could ever go bad."

"Don't let your guard down. The sweet ones'll turn on you just like that."

The two detectives cautiously entered the store. "Well, we found the door," whispered Fuego. Indicating the deformed metal rectangle lying a short distance away from the entranceway. A soleprint indicated the door had been kicked in.

"Exhibit B," whispered Minolta. "Human feet can't do that."

A sound from the back of the store interrupted whatever response Fuego was going to give. A figure emerged from the back room, hefting a sack. Minolta's theory was immediately debunked as, number one, the figure was decidedly male, and number two, decidedly human (unless he was somehow hiding extra limbs somewhere on his person). He was dressed in black coveralls and a balaclava, as one might expect from a thief. The only thing out of place was a pair of surprisingly fancy, ornate boots on his feet.

"All right, freeze! Hillwood PSA! Hands where we can see them!" declared Minolta.

The perp replied without a word, merely a simple condescending finger-wag. Then, before either of the officers could reacted, he darted past them at impossible speeds and out the entranceway, leaping into the night as soon as he hit open air.

"Great, just great." muttered Fuego. "It just had to be a supervillain."

'He didn't look like one," Minolta replied.

"They're not all gonna be strutting around in ridiculous outfits. This guy clearly has superpowers, which he probably gets from those crazy boots of his, which are probably magic or something. What else do you call him? In any case, this just got out of our league."

The Next Day

-HELGA-

You can do this, Helga ol' girl. You can tell the truth. You've done it before. Sometimes.

Double-clicking the Skype icon, I waited for the program to start up and connect while mentally going over what I was going to say.

So… hey… dated anyone behind anyone's back lately? I sure have!

How many Helgas does it take to cheat? Just one! Me!

I kissed Brainy. Anyway, how's San Lorenzo? Are taco bowls cheaper there?

Ugh, no, no, no. Flippant is not going to work. I have to just lay it all out, straight, and tell him what's going on.

Yes, there it was, my resolve, firming up. I could do this. I could-

"Hi, Helga!"

"H-hey Arnold." Resolve? You there? Where'd you go?

"It's good to see you again. I'm glad you decided to make this a regular thing."

I was flushing now, and I hoped the resolution on his laptop wasn't good enough for him to tell. "I missed you, too, Arnold. It's… really, not the same without you here."

"Well…" He sheepishly rubbed the back of his head. "It'll only be a few more months before we're back for the holidays. That'll be nice, right?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "That'll be really nice." Criminy, why does he have to be so damn sweet? It's going to rip his heart out when I tell him I've been seeing someone else. And yet… I owe it to him to be honest with him. Even if t hurts. "Arnold… there's… something I-"

"Arnold?" an unfamiliar voice asked in the background. An unfamiliar female voice.

"…Arnold, who's that?" I asked, trying to sound as neutral as possible. "That doesn't sound like Stella…"

"Well, you see…" he began, looking a bit nervous, before a face leaned into view. The girl had dark skin, straight black hair, and a prominent but not-unattractive nose. Better than mine at least. Something about her gnawed at the back of my mind but I pushed it aside. That was the jealousy talking, the same jealousy that would be there with any other attractive female showing interest in Arnold.

"Hello!" the girl said. Her accent was pronounced but unfamiliar, like someone who had not been speaking English for very long but was a quick study. "It is you, yes? You are the Helga!"

Keeping a smile pasted on my face and my voice as even as possible. I replied "Yes, I'm Helga. Arnold hadn't told me he made a new friend."

The girl bowed a bit. "Has… she forgotten? I know it was a long time ago…"

"Helga," Arnold interjected. "This is Shaia. You remember her, right? She was the Green Eyes' chief's daughter."

…yep. Now it was coming back to me. The native dress and elaborate headgear and green ceremonial facepaint were gone, but yes… that was indeed an older version of the Green Eyes' princess. I remember her well. I especially remember the way the little hussy was looking at him.

"She's a long way from home, isn't she, Arnold?" I asked, neutrally.

"Well… when we came back to San Lorenzo the first thing we did was pay a visit to the Green Eyes, to check up on how they were doing. And, well, Shaia wanted to learn more about the outside world, so she asked her father if she could travel with us. It took a bit of convincing, but, well, here she is!"

"So… learning a lot, are you?" I asked, trying very hard not to clench my teeth.

"Oh, yes, Arnold and his mother and father have taught me very much! Perhaps father will even let me join him when he returns for the holiday?"

Urge to incinerate princess rising… "Gosh, that would be just swell," I lied.

"I am glad! I hope we will be good friends! Do not worry, I shall take care of him until then!" she said guilelessly. "Xothipacla's blessing be upon you," she added, touching her fingertips together and bowing slightly, before exiting.

Oh, yeah. I bet you've been taking real good care of him.

"So… she's been traveling with you, eh?" I asked. "You didn't mention that before."

"It didn't really seem important."

"Oh, of course not, why would you having a close new female friend be important."

"…Helga, is that what it's about? You don't have to be jealous over her."

"Jealous? You think I'm jealous?"

He groaned. "Damn it… I was hoping you wouldn't react this way…"

"What way is that? The way a crazy, irrational ex-girlfriend reacts? Is that what you think I act like, Arnold? Is that why you didn't tell me until your hand was forced?"

"Helga…" he replied, exasperated. "I don't think you're crazy… but you have to admit, you can get a little… intense."

"So you hid the truth from me, is that it?"

I didn't mean to. Helga, I swear, I'd never lie to you on purpose!"

"Why should I be-" And then it hit me.

I didn't believe him… because I had been lying to him. And here I was, accusing him of being the one who was dishonest with me. And I knew, deep down, the reason why… because if I got to be the one who was offended, all of my own wrongdoings would be absolved.

But that wasn't true, was it? I was still the liar in this situation. As far as I knew, his and Shaia's friendship really was innocent. And I was projecting my guilt onto hm to avoid coming clean.

I took a deep breath. "…I'm sorry."

Arnold blinked at my sudden change of temperament. "…wait, what?" he asked.

"You're not the one who's been dishonest here… I am. I've… I've been seeing someone."

His face fell. Seeing the change in his expression was like someone drove a barbed needle into my heart and began to slowly pull it out. And, yet… it had to be done, before this could go any further.

"Is it… someone I know?" he finally asked.

"Yeah," I replied. "It's Brainy."

"Brainy? The guy who used to always sneak up behind you and get his lights punched out?" he asked incredulously.

"Well, there's a lot more to him than that, you know."

"Um… how, uh… how long have you been together?"

"A few weeks," I replied. "And yes, I had just started dating him the last time we talked. I lied to you."

He looked hurt and in went another barbed needle. "Why?" he asked. "I would've understood."

"Would you have, though?" I replied. "I can tell you're hurt by this, and it's not just that I've been lying to you. That's why I didn't tell you… I didn't want to hurt you. But now I've gone and made things worse."

"…well.. yeah, I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel bad about you seeing someone else, but… we did agree that we wouldn't hold seeing other people during our break against each other."

"Whose dumb idea was that?" I replied.

"Yours, I think."

"Oh. Right. Yeah. I forgot."

"Do… do you feel anything for him?" he asked, worry in his eyes.

"Nothing like with you, but, I don't know, there's something there. I beat the ever-loving shit out of Ludwig yesterday for hitting him, if that's any indication. Although there are probably totally platonic friends I'd do it for, so that might not man anything."

"Helga, if you really want to be with me, you know we can always just un-break up."

I shook my head. "The point of this whole break was that I need to work on me, and if anything, this chat still proves I have a long way to go. I'm still irrationally jealous, I'm still dishonest, I'm still prone to violent outbursts. When we get back together, I want you to have my best self, and that's not me right now. And I know what you're going to say, 'You're always your best self,' but no, I'm really not. If you really love me, then… you need to respect what I want. And what I want is to improve myself. And that means learning to not unhealthily obsess over you, and if that requires being with someone else for a while, that 's what I have to do."

"Is… is it working?"

"About a week ago, I went a full 24-hour period without thinking about you once. I was kind of alarmed when I realized it, and it hasn't happened since – actually, that was the day before we Skyped the first time, I think I was doing it as a sort of penance – but looking back on it, I'm starting to think it was a good thing, actually."

"I… I guess…"

"It doesn't mean I'm forgetting you. That's never going to happen. It means… it means my entire being no longer revolves around you. Did you know that, for the first time, I'm writing something other than volume upon volume of soppy love poetry? I'm writing sort stories, reviews… I even have some ideas for books. I'm growing more as an artist now than I ever was before. Don't you see? I used to think I needed you to be my muse… but I don't. I'm my muse."

"Well, thanks," he said a bit ruefully. "It's nice to know you've realized how irrelevant I am."

"It's not like that, Football-Head." Okay, so he was upset… but… that was good too. Seeing his passive-aggressive side come out was a reminder that he is not the baston of human perfection that I have built up in my mind, but a simple human being, just like you or me (well, me metaphorically), beholden to all the foibles humans like us are at the mercy of. "I just mean, I'm becoming a better writer simply by vitue of not being so laser-focused on you. You're still important to me. Very important."

"Okay…" He rubbed the back of his head self-consciously. "Great, now I'm the needy, insecure one."

"Horror of horror, you have flaws. How will you ever cope?"

He chuckled a bit in spite of himself. "Okay, okay… I guess this wasn't the best showing for ether of us."

"Yeah… but it does feel a lot better to have the truth out in the open like this. Now we're on even footing."

"Yeah… I guess it does. Um… would it be prying to ask exactly how you guys got together?"

"Not at all. The truth is, we just sorta bumped into each other while Mom, Phoebe and I were on vacation. Funny thing, it was the exact same town where we got into that sand castle competition and that bimbo tried to sink her claws into you. And, I don't know, I guess he was there at just the right time, because we found ourselves clicking and the next thing you know, he asks me out and I said yes."

"He asked you out? Just like that?"

"Well, not just like that, first Summer tried to kidnap him in some deranged attempt to get back at me, so I had to rescue him. I actually didn't harm her, Arnold. You would've been very proud of me. Anyway, I guess he asked me out by way of thanks, and I figured it'd be a one-time thing, but… one time turned into two, and two into three, and, well, we haven't had the fourth yet, but that's still coming."

"Whoa, back up… Summer kidnapped Brany? Talk about burying the lede!"

"To be fair, it wasn't much of a kidnapping. He was gone an hour and a half, tops. But Temper gave her a scare and I think she might have learned her lesson."

"That's… surprisingly optimistic from you."

"Yeah, I think you may have ruined me for good, Football Head." I said, grinning. "So, what about you? You hit that?"

"Helga!" he replied, scandalized.

"Just kidding! But seriously… I wouldn't blame you if you did. She is hawt. And, hey, royalty. She's the princess of more than appliances."

Arnold blushed. "I, uh… really, it never even crossed my mind."

"Yeah, but what about hers? I'm sure she's noticed you."

"Helga, she just gave us the Xothipacla's blessing."

"And I would know who that is because…"

"Xothipacla is the Green Eyes' goddess of love and um…" he blushed even deeper, "fertility."

I felt myself blushing in response. "So, you're saying she just suggested we –"

"….that's about the size of it, yeah." He flashed that wide nervous smile of his and I almost said fuck it, let's get back together again.

But I didn't.

"Does she know that the Internet doesn't really work like that?" I replied, stifling giggles.

"It hasn't really come up, but, well, I figured-"

"'Cause otherwise it'd be kind of a stretch. Not that I've, you know, seen it…" Not true. I have. Once. Of course, he was nine and I did immediately faint from shock so I don't really have a vivid memory of the dimensions, and I assume they would have changed regardless. But I digress.

"Helga," he pleaded, "I'm really not comfortable talking about this…"

"Sorry. S'just funny is all. Seriously, though… are you okay with me dating Brainy?"

"I will be. Would you stop if I said I wasn't?"

"To be honest… I don't really know. Like I said… I feel like being with someone else for a while is an important part of my development. Maybe…" I nodded over to where Shaia had come back into view. "Maybe it's also something you should consider."

"You're kind of hard to replace."

"Don't think of it like a replacement. Think of it like… ordering off menu. Like when you ask for the Noah's Ark at Slausen's". That was two beef, two chicken, and two fish patties, plus two strips of bacon. To date, only one person has ever finished one in one sitting. No, not Harold.

He chuckled. "So, she's a dangerously high-calorie sandwich that should probably be banned?"

"Granted, the metaphor falls apart if you look at it too closely. But you get my point. It's not a new path, it's just a detour on the original. We're going off-road to look at the sights. In time, we'll get back on track." I groaned. "They should take my writer card away for coming up with all these labored metaphors."

"I got the general gist of it."

"I mean… we started dating in sixth grade. We don't exactly have a ton of experience outside each other. I mean, you were with Lila for all of two minutes, and I was paying Stinky to date me. Other than that, it's just been us, for five years. We need some perspective. And if that means I have to share you with a princess for a few months, so be it."

"I don't really think anything's there, Helga."

"I never said there was, I'm just saying if… don't stay lonely on my account."

Well… that had been shockingly easy. Maybe even a bit disturbingly so.

I remained staring at my desktop for some time after we finally ended our chat, mulling over the fact that not only had I (eventually) told Arnold everything, I had given him full carte blanche to woo, or be wooed by, Shaia. And somehow it didn't feel like I was tearing out my own insides. Was this it? Was this what growing up was like?

And if it was this easy to cut Arnold some slack… would I eventually just move on? Was it entirely possible that he was not my destiny?

Would that be the end of the world?

…

"Time to distract myself," I said to nobody, shutting my laptop. Luckily, this town provided ample ways to distract yourself, especially if you had superpowers. I shed my clothes, donned my costume and morphed, letting myself out the window as I usually did. Taking out my mixed emotions on some ill-intentioned criminals would be just the kind of catharsis I needed.

Truth told, I was still feeling salty about missing a chance to throw down with a genuine space biker. Criminals around Hillwood rarely provided that big of a challenge. Having to live the whole battle vicariously through Lila was beyond disappointing. Oh, well, punching the occasional purse-snatcher or carjacker was at least a bit diverting. Still, was a challenge so much to ask?

As if the cosmos themselves had heard my plea, I caught sight of something suddenly launching itself into the air. I was kind of reminded of the time Sid, Stinky and Harold had gotten their hands on a potato catapult and shattered several second-story windows, but that hadn't had this kind of range (it was clearing tall buildings in a single bound), and whatever ordinance I was seeing launched was far bigger than even the most prize specimen of potato. I set my flight course for where the mystery object looked like it was going to land, only to see it launch upward again. By now, I was close enough to see that I was not dealing with an it, but a who. A who that could jump like a grasshopper on steroids. I briefly considered whether to call the other girls in on my discovery, but decided against it. One, I seriously was craving some real action, and two…. So the guy could jump. How much trouble could he or she be?

A.N.: Next: How much trouble he can be.

Anyway, yep, we're staying with Helga/Brainy for the time being. As to whether Arnold and Shaia of the Green Eyes will get together, time will only tell. Remember, it's the journey, not the destination.

Minolta and Fuego are basically just reskins of Jake Peralta and Rosa Diaz from Brooklyn 99. This wouldn't be the first time I ripped off that show, but in my defense, I'm a big fan.

Jose: He sure does, but is he the type to give up, or will we see more of him?

Next: From the Word Jump