Chapter 38
Reign of the Monkey King
-HELGA-
"Rough night, dear?"
"Am I that obvious, Mom?" I asked.
"Well, I'd have to be really oblivious not to notice." True. She'd found me splayed on the couch, remote in one hand, two others engaged in shoveling ice cream into my mouth with reckless abandon. "Usually, you at least bother to change out of your costume before planting yourself on the couch, so I figure it had to have been an exhausting evening. Want to talk about it?"
"*sigh* Not particularly, but you've been annoyingly persistent at the whole 'being a good mom' thing lately, so I doubt you're going to leave me alone if I don't." And so, I proceeded to describe the whole wretched night to her in precise detail.
"Goodness," Mom said at last. "That sounds… brutal."
"Well, the job isn't exactly prancing around spreading rose petals, is it? Only, I usually don't go up against people who can give me real trouble. That's the funny thing about being the strongest person in town for so long; when someone comes along who can actually fight back, you're not ready for it."
"Hmm," Mom mused. "I wonder if other superheroes go to their moms for advice. Wonder Woman, probably… of course I'm hardly Queen of the Amazons now, am I?" she chuckled. "I have to say, I'm not sure where this one falls. I have advice for peer pressure… oh! Underage sex. I have a whole speech prepared for that one. Maybe I should do that one right now while it's fresh in my memory."
"Mo-therrrr…" I groaned, cheeks reddening. All those years wanting a normal mom. If I'd known they could be this embarrassing…
"Oh, I know! A supervillain is basically like a bully, right? So, the same rules apply. You can't let them walk all over you. You have to stand up for yourself, show them you're not a pushover."
"It's easier said than done, mom," I responded.
She put a sympathetic hand on my shoulder. "I'm trying, dear – ooh, what is this fabric? It feels nice. Can I get workout clothes made out of this?"
"Experimental proprietary weave. And probably not. Stuff's probably really expensive to produce. And… yes, I know you're trying, and it's appreciated, but there's some things I don't think you can help with."
"I know, dear.. *sigh* I knew the day would eventually come when there was something I just couldn't help you with. I just didn't think that day would come so soon."
"It's okay. Just let me eat my feelings and distract myself with TV in peace." I clicked over to KHWD, where Wednesday Night Slam was already in progress.
"Okay, darling," she replied, "just… I want you to know that it seems like you're alone sometimes, but you're never really alone."
I smiled just a little in spite of myself. She really has grown not the whole mom thing, hasn't she. Not that I was gonna get all gushy about it, of course. That's not who I am. Not unless it's about you-know-who.
"Looks like Jungle Jill is struggling out there, folks. The Baroness has her on the ropes. She started out strong, but it looks like her tank's just about empty."
"I feel ya, Jill," I muttered between spoonfuls of ice cream. "It sucks when you're just outclassed."
Suddenly, organ music started playing in the arena. "Wait, what's that?" the announcer declared in amazement. "That music! Could it be…? Yes! Here comes Mother Mayhem! What a shocking turn of events! Mother Mayhem hasn't been seen in the ring since losing two years ago to the Purple Panther! Could this be her big comeback?" The burly woman in the nun's habit hauled herself into the ring and tackled the tall blonde in the vaguely Imperial unform, pinning her down. "It looks like the match is over folks, and the winner is someone none of us suspe- wait, what's that? Is that Queen Bee's music? By god it is!"
Ah, it was going to be one of those… new challengers would show up one by one to challenge the previous challenger just as they managed to defeat their previous challenger, and so on and so on until the show neared the end of its runtime. I'd seen it before, lots of times. Still fun to watch, since you never knew who would show up. Mother Mayhem was a deep cut for sure, especially since she'd been appearing on the sitcom Water and Sewer for the last year.
…wait…
Mom was right. I'm not alone. Monkeyman – Monkey King, I corrected myself; I had no idea how much, if any, of Monkeyman was still stirring deep in his subconscious – could probably defeat any one of us, but four? Especially if we continually tagged in and out, just to keep him on his toes and off balance. That was it. We'd all continually switch in and out of the fight, giving him no time to adjust or recover. What a great plan.
Ah, pro wrestling. What problems can't you solve?
The next day
-MONKEY KING-
I'd won. The city was mine now. I'd vanquished that mutant interloper, Temper, and so far none of her cohorts had shown up to stop me. Now, I alone was the city's champion. Its Monkey King. None would dare to oppose me.
At this moment, the Mayor was calling a press conference on the steps of City Hall. It wasn't difficult to guess just what this would be about. Before she even got started with her address, reporters were already clamoring for answers. In the crowd, I waited, my identity concealed in a trenchcoat and hat. Let's see what they had to say.
"Ms. Mayor!" a reporter for the Hillwood Times shouted, raising his voice to be heard over the other media representatives jockeying for attention. "Is it true that the city has revoked its endorsement of the Sisters and backed the Monkey King instead?" Apparently, there'd been an online poll regarding just what Hillwood's mutant protectors should be called and "The Sisters" had won. People assumed that they were related, I suppose.
"The city does not officially endorse any vigilante activity," Mayor Dixie replied. "But I would be remiss in neglecting to point out that the city does owe a debt to the Sisters. In any case, the city certainly does not endorse this 'Monkey King', whoever he is."
"Is there any truth to the rumor that there has already been a confrontation, and the Sisters lost?"
"The city knows of no such confrontation, so we can neither confirm nor deny at this time," waffled the mayor.
"Well, let me save you the trouble, Madame Mayor," I declared loudly. "Last night, the Monkey King and Temper did indeed have a confrontation… and I won handily." I tossed aside my hat and shed my coat. "Your champion has failed you. The Sisters have proven they're not up to the task of protecting this city… so I would like to humbly accept the position."
Shocked by my sudden reveal, the crowd hurriedly backed away. "No. Fear not… I mean no one any harm. Only the evil truly need fear me. I simply wish to be your protector, your defender, your avenger against the forces of darkness."
"Are you saying Temper was evil? Is that why you fought her?" asked another reporter.
Good question, a nagging voice in the back of my head asked. I mentally silenced it. A hero sometimes had to make tough choices. Forcing Temper to confront how useless she was, was one of those choices. Unfortunate, to be sure, but necessary. "She stood in the way of providing this city the protection it deserves. She had to be dealt with."
"And do you intend to deal with the rest of us too?" a new voice announced. A violet-skinned, crimson-and-sapphire garbed figured slowly descended to take her place next to the mayor. A familiar face indeed. I wondered if she'd ever show it to me again after I'd ascended to my new level of power, after I'd dealt her sister a humiliating blow. She had more courage than I'd given her credit for.
"If I must," I said, lifting off the ground. "If I can defeat one Sister, I can defeat them all."
"'Sisters'? Is that what won the poll? I like that. Very personable. Maybe we can punch it up with something else later… never mind!" Joule turned her attention back to me. "Look, there's no reason we have to be on different sides here. We're all superheroes! We can work together!"
"That's not what you said two days ago," I pointed out.
"Yes, I remember," she acknowledged, rubbing the bridge of her nose in shame. "I should never have taken out my frustrations on you like that."
"So," I replied smugly, "you admit you were wrong."
"No." she said. "I was wrong to snap, but I wasn't wrong about you having no business being there. The fact is, you made the situation worse, and while I will apologize for yelling at you, I won't apologize for telling you to stick to your own lane. But, clearly, now you've come into some sort of new source of power, and with a bit of training and coordination, I'm sure-"
"Oh, so now that I have powers, I'm good enough," I retorted. "That's just the sort of arrogance I expected. You think you're so good because you can muh- you can throw lightning bolts or fire around, or smash through with your bare fists."
"That's not what I-"
"Shut it!" I said, energy crackling around my fists. "I'll prove I'm superior if I have to beat it into you!"
"Okay, but not here! There are too many people around! The fairgrounds. Five minutes."
"Very well," I agreed. "Winner is the city's champion."
Joule nodded. "Fair. I agree to your terms."
You don't have to do this, the voice in the back of my head, growing ever quieter, whispered. I pushed it back down, down into my subconscious. That voice was the final echo of a dead man.
A few minutes earlier
-RHONDA-
"You were right," I told Helga. "He couldn't resist revealing himself."
"Toldja," she said. "It's just like Wednesday Night Slam. The moment the Heel's name is mentioned, out he comes to do his big ol' Heel boast, setting the stage. And now, as the Babyface, it's your duty to make your big entrance."
"The Babyface?"
"You, me, we gotta take in a match sometime. I've got a whole world to introduce you to."
Helga had pitched this whole plan like it was one of her wrestling matches. I had to say that I wasn't actually sure how it all worked, but she seemed pretty confident that she knew what she was doing. For now, my part was simple; I would go in, act as the face (or "babyface" apparently) for the group. While I suggested that maybe I could talk him down, being the one he bore the grudge against, Helga seemed fairly sure that negotiation wouldn't work, that he was mentally too far gone, and in the end, it would all come down to a fight. As it turned out, she was right on the money.
And so, five minutes later, the two of us faced each other across the fairgrounds.
"I'm a bit surprised that you would choose this as our battleground, seeing as it was just yesterday I delivered a resounding defeat to your sister."
"It's a big, crowded city," I answered. "There aren't a ton of options if you want to avoid endangering innocent bystanders."
"Well, I did want an audience for our battle, but I suppose we'll have to do without…"
"Actually… we do have an audience." Since the media and internet viewers had gotten word of the time and location of our fight, there were drones flitting about the area, armed with cameras and microphones to broadcast every bone-crunching moment for the TV and web voyeurs. "The world is watching us."
"Then let's give them a show." Monkey King announced, energy building around his hands and eyes. "Just the two of us."
Suddenly, steel bars began to fall from the sky, punching into the ground in a circle around Monkey King. Too startled to react, he could only stand there as they bent around him, forming a cage.
"Sorry, I have other plans," I said.
-MONKEY KING-
How could she? How dare she?
"This is cheating! We had an agreement, and you've violated it!"
"Technically, she never said you'd only be fighting her," a new voice chimed in. The blue-skinned one, Magnetica, landed opposite her purple counterpart.
"So, that's it, then. You're all ganging up on me." I grabbed the bars of my makeshift cage. A mistake, as electricity lanced from Joule's fingertips, through the metal, igniting my body with pain.
"It's a little thing called 'teamwork,' and it's one advantage we have over you," Joule said smugly. "Now, maybe if you'll listen to reason…"
Ganging up. That's what bullies did. I hate bullies. Whether they're big burly playground brutes or rainbow-colored alien creatures, they're all the same, always cheating when they can't win honestly. Well, Monkeyma- Monkey KING knew what to do with bullies.
I grabbed the bars again, ignoring the pain as the electrified metal assaulted my nerves. Instead, I willed the pain to feed my rage, and my strength. The bars bent, then snapped. I broke off a piece and flung it, hard, at Magnetica's head. She attempted to block it with her powers but was too late. It clipped the side of her head and she went down. I turned to face Joule, but she was no longer there; instead, my ears were assaulted by a deafening wail. I clamped my hands over my ears to block it and turned just in time to see a fist, belonging to the green-skinned, red-haired, orange-and-purple-wearing Sister whose name escaped me at the moment, coming my way.
The punch was a sloppily-thrown one, and I had no problem dodging it. She tried a second and third, but even dazed and deafened from her sonic assault, I could tell she was a clumsy fighter and not accustomed to drawn-out brawling. That, and my speed, easily made quick work of her.
Around my feet, a ring of fire spread. So, Temper was hungry for another go-round, was she? I'd seen everything she'd had to offer. I was ready.
"Mmmmpphmmm mmph mmmmmph mmmmph?" she asked, approaching.
"WHAT?" I asked, ringing in my ears only now starting to clear up.
"I said, 'Ready for Round 2?'"
"More than ready," I said. In a blink, I was on her and driving her into the dirt. "I see what you're doing… you're trying to tag-team me, keep me off my guard. What you don't understand is that fighting back only makes me stronger. Because I know I'm right." I looked up. "Well? Your friends can't fight for you anymore, Joule. Either you come out and face me, or prove that, like all bullies the world over, you're nothing but a coward."
She landed, opposite me. "'Like all bullies,' huh. You really are that far gone. You don't even realize… fine. You and me, one on one." She took up a fighting stance. "But I have one last trick up my sleeves, and it's a doozy."
She seemed to clench every muscle in her body, all at once. Electricity began to ripple through her, making her muscles seem to swell to twice their size. Her hair stood on end, crackling with energy; her eyes could be seen glowing even behind her normally opaque visor. She lunged forward, faster than I'd ever seen any of them move, almost as fast as me. Her fists struck like steel pistons, and it was all I could do to parry them; even then, I only had two fists to her four and it was inevitable that I would fall behind. And she knew how to make her punches count. After defeating three of her friends, one twice, she actually was giving me trouble.
And yet… it became apparent that her power-up was strictly a desperation move. I could tell by her expression that channeling her electricity into her own muscles, as she was doing, was incredibly painful for her and she couldn't maintain it for long. After a minute, two, three, her movements became slow, sluggish, leaded, as if she could barely will her limbs to function. It was like overclocking a computer; she'd given herself a performance boost, but burned herself out doing it.
"No more tricks," I said, delivering the final blow.
City Hall Square
It had only been a short time since we'd departed for our fight at the fairgrounds. No doubt the people of Hillwood had all been watching the events intently as the news drones had relayed them to their smart phones and other such devices, and they'd all seen my triumph. They no doubt knew that they need no longer fear bullies of any shape or species, not with me around.
"Citizens of Hillwood!" I announced, landing in their midst, throwing down the battered form of Joule at my feet. "I, the Monkey King, have emerged triumphant! I take my place as this city's true champion!" I stood, ready to accept their adulation.
Then, the first tomato hit. Boos echoed from the crowd, as more produce bombarded me. "What are you doing?" I demanded. "I'm your hero, your Muh- your Monkey King! I defend the weak and the downtrodden, Monkeyking!"
"We don't need your kind of defending!" a mailman shouted, flinging rotten eggs.
"Get lost, ya rotten slab o' bologna!" added a butcher, hurling a handful of spoiled hamburger.
"Down with the Czar! Long live the People's Revolution!" an old woman in a Red Army uniform chanted, tossing expired watermelon.
"Geez, Pookie, where'd you even get that uniform?" the elderly man by her side questioned.
"You ungrateful idiots!" I replied incredulously. "I'm here to protect you! You need me to save you from-"
I paused. Energy was gathering around my fists, as I prepared to unleash it on…
…who?
…what was I doing?
"…me…" I realized.
Me.
I was the bully now.
I had been ever since I put on the crown. Even now, I could feel it whispering to me, encouraging every dark impulse within me. Bringing out the worst in me. Forcing my conscience down as all my worst instincts took over.
"No…" I whispered. "This isn't me. This isn't… Monkeyman… me…."
It was like tearing off one of my own limbs, but, gathering up every last remaining bit of willpower within me, I pulled the crown off my head, Instantly, I felt all my power drain away, and for a minute, it was all I could do to keep myself from putting it right back on and giving in to the power again. But I would not. Never again.
I was only vaguely aware of the next few events. I'm pretty sure rotten groceries kept coming my way for a minute until police broke it up. I was led away from the square in handcuffs, I'm pretty certain of that. I was fingerprinted, I'm almost positive. I was in a holding cell for a while before I was let out.
"All right, Mr. Andrews, your bail's been posted." Detective Fuego announced. "You're free until your hearing, since your benefactor seems pretty sure you're harmless again."
"Benefactor?" I asked.
"That would be me," Joule spoke up, waiting outside in the hallway. Oddly, her visor was off. It was rare to see her entire face clearly.
"You paid my bail, after I beat up you and your sisters?"
"Actually, it was some guy named Bobo," she said. "I'm just here to character witness at your hearing."
"Wait…" I said. "This was the plan all along, wasn't it? You knew that deep down, my conscience was nagging at me, so you guys all let yourselves get beat up so I'd realize I was the bad guy and some to my senses! That was brilliant!"
"…yessssss. We meant to lose." she said, her eyes darting back and forth. "That was the plan. Yes. All of that was totally on purpose."
"Well, thank you. So… I guess that's it, then. This is where Monkeyman's career ends."
"Well, not nece-"
"I know you're trying to be reassuring, but there really isn't any coming back from something like this. Once you've let yourself get possessed by a magic crown and turned into a super-powered tyrant, it's all downhill from there. Face it, it's long past time I was hanging up my cape anyway."
"You know, there's plenty you can still do, even if it's not as Monkeyman. Lots of places you can volunteer. Homeless shelters, halfway houses, pet sanctuaries…"
"I… guess…"
"Speaking of the crown… just where did you get that thing?" she asked.
"Well, that's a weird story. It's kinda hazy since I was a little drunk at the time, but I found it at this strange little curio shop next door to a bar called the Two o' Diamonds. Funny thing is, I don't remember ever seeing it before a couple of nights ago…"
"So, it was just sorta… there all of a sudden, you're saying? What did the owner look like?"
"Oh, kinda… kinda exactly like you'd expect the owner of a weird little shop full of cursed artifacts to look like, actually. Tall, dressed like something out of the late 1800s, goatee… and I could've sworn he had pointy ears, now that I think about it…"
"Thanks. That checks out with a lot of what I've heard from other people we've had trouble with."
"You mean I'm not the first?"
"You're the third, so far. Someone out there is making a tidy profit selling evil magical crap to the people of Hillwood, and we haven't been able to find him because he keeps appearing and disappearing at random. But every bit of information you can give us helps."
"Well… glad I could be of some use, at least. If you don't mind me asking… what happened to the crown? It's still dangerous if anyone gets their hands on it."
"Don't worry about that. It's been put into storage while we wait for our consultant on paranormal phenomena to get back to us. Nobody's touching that thing."
"Good, I'd hate to have caused more trouble than I already have."
"It's all right, as long as you do your best to make up for it. Good luck, Monkeyman."
"Richie," I corrected.
"Richie," she acknowledged. "I'll see you around."
-RHONDA-
I am never doing that again.
Of course, that's what I tell myself every time I pull that "Mega-Joule" (™) maneuver. Not only does it hurt, not only does it burn out fast and leave me useless, but there was always a chance that it could backfire and fry my nervous system. As it was, I was still barely able to walk, let alone fly, even now, over an hour after the fight. It's a good thing I'm a terrific actress.
Once far enough from the station, I put in a call to my family's driver to pick me up on a secluded street (ironically, the one where the old station was before it was demolished). There was no way I was going to walk across town, and nobody'd be able to see me through the limo's tinted windows. After thanking Carson profusely for sparing me a crosstown walk in full costume, I started calling my friends to make sure they were all doing better.
"Hey, Princess, how'd it go?" Helga replied, sounding pretty chipper for someone who'd just had her second beatdown in as many days.
"As well as could be expected. Monkeyman… sorry, Richie is out on bail and considering new career options."
"See? What'd I tell you? Pro wrestling solves everything."
"Um… I'm pretty sure that your whole tag-teaming idea was a complete failure, that we all got our butts kicked, and that the only reason Richie stopped because he realized how far he'd fallen and managed to regain control of himself."
"I know, but let me have this, okay? Or, at least, let us all take a long soak in your family's hot tub to soothe all these nasty aches and pains."
"…that does sound pretty good right about now…"
"Good, 'cause we're already in it. Aw, man, you do not know what you're missin'"
"What? Then why'd you even ask me for permission?"
"Eh, I figured if you said no, we could always get out before you made it home. Hey, did you know Lila's freckles go all the way down?" I heard a scandalized gasp in the background as I felt my cheeks warm at the thought. Steady, Rhonda, that crush is in the past, you're with your soul mate now. "Ah, relax, Lils, I'm just messin' with ya!"
And so, as I awaited joining my friends in a long soak, the legend of Monkeyman was coming to a close. But our mysterious shopkeeper was still out there… I just hoped our consultant would come through sooner rather than later, because until he did, there was no telling just what kind of further chaos he could cause.
A.N.: And so, the Monkeyman arc comes to an end, but we will find out about our mystery shopkeeper very soon, as we begin a mini-crossover with… The Owl House! Eh, but you probably guessed that already.
Jose: In the end, only Monkeyman could truly stop Monkeyman.
Veganmama: Well, Monkeyman's story is over, but Richie Andrews's isn't.
Next: Another World