Chapter 46
A Show and Dinner, Part 3: The Talk
An alley near the Leichleiter Theater
Mickey Wachowski, AKA Mickey the Weasel, made sure he hadn't been followed, before stepping into the sparsely-lit alley.
"So, uh," he began, "I got your text…"
The figure waiting in the shadows's face was obscured, so it was impossible to make out their expression. It would immediately be obvious upon hearing their tone. "It's been a month," they said, their voice muffled by a scarf and possibly digitally altered to conceal their identity. "Where's the dirt?"
"Patience, my dear… doll? Guy? It's kinda hard to know what to call you when we haven't done business in person until this moment."
"Right, because I'm gonna let a common weasel like you get any sort of leverage on me. No, we stay anonymous for now. But, as I recall, I Paybuddy's you three hundred bucks to get as much dirt on Rhonda Lloyd as possible. It's a month later. No dirt. Not even so much as a smudge. Where's my smudge, Mickey?"
"Well… I hear she's bisexual…"
"Seriously? Literally everyone on Earth knows that, and nobody cares! That's not dirt anymore, it's just a blank to fill in social media! I'm talking real dirt! A cocaine habit, a secret pregnancy, a membership in some crazy cult, that sort of thing. Some real mud she can be dragged through. This is why I made you audition for the play. So you could get close to her while her guard was down."
"Um, well… I think she mentioned something about a late library book…"
"Like, OMG, what even is the point of you? You're supposed to be able to get the dirt on anyone, but you can't find anything on Miss Skinny-Britches? What am I paying you for?"
"It's not as easy as you think. I've been looking, believe me, but she's squeaky clean. There's not so much as a jaywalking ticket on her. Big Gino's never done any business with her. Nobody has a bad word to say about her. Hell, she somehow even won Homecoming Queen even though she wasn't running or even eligible! I mean, granted, that's probably because everyone hates Brandy Bristow…"
"That's a lie! She must've bribed someone or something!"
"Nah, she didn't have to bribe anyone. I know nobody could pay me enough to vote for her – hey, wait a minute, why would you care unless… Ohhhh… Ohohohoho…"
"I… I don't know what you're talking about. I'm simply someone who wants to see her taken down a few pegs. There's nothing personal here. I'm simply a concerned citizen is all.."
"Nice try, Brandy. But it's kinda obvious. You got the motive, and you got the means. In fact…" He suddenly whipped out his phone and tapped it a few times, setting off a telltale chime coming from the figure's pocket. "Just as I thought… I just posted on your Bleater account, and you just got the alert."
The figure growled. "Ugggghhh… fine!" She stepped out into the light, lowering her scarf. "You got me.
"My, you look lovely in the spotlight. So, here's what I'm thinkin'… I suggest you upgrade to my premium package, if you catch my drift."
"…you little skeeze. You take my money, give me nothing, and now you think I'm gonna give you more?"
"Well, yeah, see… part of the package is that I don't go diggin' for dirt on you. See, I'm thinkin' that maybe that might be easier to find… and I'm bettin' that there's a lot of people out there eager to tear you down."
"Asshole," Brandy muttered. "What exactly are we talking about here?"
"Well, in addition to the insurance clause, I'll be stepping up my surveillance of Miss Lloyd. Of course, to do that, I'll need to get in touch with Big Gino's tech guy, since I'll probably be in need of specialized equipment. All of this will, of course, be appearing on my expense report. Itemized, for your convenence."
"Rrrgggh… fine!" Brandy growled. "But I'd better start seeing some results."
"Well, then. Shall we shake on it?" Mickey asked, offering a hand.
"As if I'd actually touch a greasy little goblin like you."
"Fair enough. I respect your personal space. It was a pleasure doing business, Miss Bristow," the Weasel said, bowing obsequiously before departing.
Sunset Arms, Arnold's Room
-SHAIA-
"Shaia, I think we need to talk."
I stood, frozen. Xothipacla, love goddess of the Green Eyes, worshipped for nigh on thusands of years, was sitting here, in person, on my boyfriend's couch. What's more… she looked almost as though it was she who was dreading this meeting. She sat a bit hunched, wings draped around her shoulders submissively, lower hands clasped in her lap, uppers gripping the couch cushions as if her life depended on it. Her eyes were concealed behind that odd reflective eyeshield of hers, but one could easily detect the apprehension in what parts of her face were visible.
"I… Arnold, why is… why is she… how do you know her?"
"Oh, you might say we go way back," Xothipacla replied, slowly sliding off her eyeshield. The face behind it was different, yet easily recognizable. "Back to preschool, actually."
I suddenly felt dizzy. The past week or so had thrown a lot of my beliefs into question… first, the presence of my ancestral goddess as a tangible force in this city of all places… Arnold's insistence that she wasn't a god at all but some sort of alien being, and now, the revelation that she was someone I'd already known… someone who Arnold had not only known nearly all his life but who had been romantically involved with him, and on top of that the individual responsible for saving my people from extinction! What was I supposed to feel about such a thing?
"Arnold… what is going on here…"
"Well, Helga'll be able to explain it better than I will, but short answer; this isn't Xothipacla. It's Temper… also known as Helga Pataki."
"Hey," Helga said, offering her upper-right hand for a shake. More out of reflex than anything, I took it. It felt slightly warmer than usual, but otherwise perfectly normal."
"But you've never looked like this any of the times we met. H-how is this possible?" I asked.
"It's a very long story. And a bit of a gross one. See… around the time we were in San Lorenzo, we found a rock from outer space that cracked open and released a bunch of alien spores that I accidentally inhaled. The spores got into my bloodstream and sorta just hung out there until I got a flu shot, then they sort of merged with the vaccine and mutated it, creating a virus that spread to every cell in my body, mutating them beyond recognition."
I had overheard the Doctors Shortman talking about viruses and mutation, so I understood the general ideas behind what X- what Helga was describing. Still, from what I knew, viruses made one weaker… they didn't make you something new. "That must have been painful."
"Oh, you have no idea. At first, it felt like my blood was on fire. Then new parts started pushing their way out of me while inside, my organs were shifting around and splitting like someone had put them in a blender. It was not fun. But once it was over, I was stronger, faster, bulletproof, I could fly and burn and freeze stuff, so, in the long run, I think it was worth a day of excruciating pain. But, no, I'm not any kind of god. In fact, I'm not even the only one like me. Two of my friends got infected at the same time I did, and wound up just like me. Different colors and different powers, but more or less the same."
"There are two more like you?"
"Three, actually. Another friend got really badly hurt and I gave her some of my blood because it could heal her. In fact, my blood could do the same for you. Or anyone. It's not divine or anything, I'm just your basic freak of science."
"But, I have seen you looking normal."
"Yeah, I can look normal if I want to. I lose most of my power and I can't stay that way permanently, but it makes life a lot more convenient. So… now you know everything, and no ne has to worship anyone."
"So, that's it," Arnold added. "I hope that clears things up."
I nodded. "It does. I no longer believe you are Xothipacla, Helga. But I do believe you have been touched by her."
"…come again?"
"When was it you encountered the… what is it you called them… space spores?"
"It was a little while before we found your city. We were being led by LaSombra, back when we still thought he was Eduardo, to his secret pirate hideout. R- one of us stubbed her toe on the thing and kicked it, and it cracked open and released the spores."
"And then you found our city and your heart locket saved our people. Don't you see? It was at that moment that Xothipacla marked you as her instrument. She even blessed you with her own appearance and powers."
"I… wait… that can't be right… can it?"
"You did save her people with the power of your heart," Arnold reminded.
"But that's crazy. How can I be the avatar of a love goddess?"
"She works in mysterious ways," I told her.
"I can't even keep Bob from dating that gold-digging bimbo weather girl. Clearly, I have no power over love."
"Perhaps you have not realized your power yet."
She groaned. "Nothing I say is going to convince you, is it."
"I'm sorry, but all the evidence I've seen merely confirms that you are the goddess's chosen, at the very least."
"…well, what about the other three people out there who are just like me, hmm? There's nothing like them in your legends, is there? There's just m- just this Zooty-Poggers, right?"
"Xothipacla. And no… we have other gods, but none of them resemble you."
'See? That proves it's all a coincidence.'
"Unless Xothipacla feared that you wouldn't be able to accomplish her goal on Earth alone, so she marked your friends as well."
"Gah!" Helga threw two of her hands up in defeat. "I'm not winning this, am I."
"It doesn't look like it," Arnold replied, amused.
"And I bet you're just enjoying every moment of this, aren't you. Watching me squirm like this."
"…well.. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a little funny."
"Gnnhhh… don't taunt me, Football-head. I'm not above using my magical love-goddess powers to make you kiss Abner." The pig let out an interested grunt upon hearing his name. "See? He's totally into it."
"You wouldn't."
"Oh, would I?" She closed her eyes and touched her four hands together. "Love goddess powers activate… make Arnold kiss a pig… is it working?"
Arnold giggled. "Well, I'm not kissing a pig, so…"
"See?" she said. "This is just more proof that I'd make a terrible goddess. Look how easily I would abuse my power!"
"Who am I to second-guess the goddess in her choice?" I replied; honestly, at this point I was merely teasing her, though I do sincerely believe she has been marked by the goddess. I'm not certain exactly what that means, but the odds of her looking exactly like the goddess purely by chance are astronomical. Of course, I probably would never know the real truth, only the goddess would, or could. But I had faith that there was a connection there.
"Okay, I can see I'm not getting anywhere here. So… let's assume I am the avatar of the goddess Scroopy Noopers… well, then, by the power invested in me by the goddess, I commandeth thee to not treat me like a goddess, but as a normal-ass friend." She bowed. "My will be done."
"Well, I guess I can not disobey the will of my goddess's chosen."
"Cool. Then I'm looking forward to Saturday night."
"Uh, yeah," Arnold said. "Me too."
"No you don't. I'm gonna be telling a lot of embarrassing stories about you."
"That I am looking forward to," I replied, holding in a giggle.
"Great, I'm outnumbered," protested Arnold.
"It's all right. You'll have Brainy to rely on for manly sympathy. Unless he has embarrassing stores too…"
"Maybe I'll get lucky and the Jolly Olly Man'll run me over," muttered Arnold.
"I guess that settles everything, then," Helga said. "Well, I should probably get going," she added, re-donning her eyeshield.
"Are you sure?" Arnold asked. "Grandma's been asking when I'm gonna invite 'Eleanor' back for dinner. So, if you want, I'm sure she'd be happy if you stayed."
"Nah, better not," she said. "I'm supposed to have my nightly phone call with Pheobe, and besides, I don't wanna blow all these spicy stories on a family dinner. They're best saved for a special occasion." With that, she launched herself out the skylight and into the night sky.
"She is certainly something very special, isn't she," I asked rhetorically.
"Yeah," Arnold said wistfully. "But right now, I'm just happy to be with you."
"I know," I said, wrapping my arms around him from behind and nuzzling his neck. A great weight felt as though it had been lifted… after all, if the chosen of the Love Goddess herself had just given our union her blessing, clearly Xothipacla was not offended.
"Well, I guess we should probably be getting downstairs for di-" As Arnold opened the door to his room, Oskar, who had clearly been listening against the door, fell into his room.
"…and what exactly are you doing here?" Arnold asked, glaring at the boarder.
"Certainly not eavesdropping, and frankly I am insulted that you would make such an accusation!" Oskar shouted indignantly. "I was, er… inspecting your door for cracked paint. I wanted to make sure it was in good condition, because I am responsible like that, okay?"
"Hey, Kokoshka!" yelled Ernie from downstairs. "Did you hear anything? Did Helga kill the new girl?"
Arnold sternly regarded the Czech immigrant. "I-I don't know what he's talking about. What a crazy guy, eh heh heh heh. Certainly nobody was placing any bets on whether Arnold's old girlfriend would murder Arnold's new girlfriend. That would be ridiculous."
Arnold rolled his eyes. "Well, you can tell all the people who didn't make any bets that Helga, Shaia and I had a perfectly reasonable conversation and parted on excellent terms. And, frankly, she doesn't deserve this whole reputation of being angry and unreasonable. She's a mature, rational person and I'm really glad we've been able to maintain a friendship."
"Well, you heard 'im, Kokoshka! The girl's still alive! You better pay up!" Arnold's grandfather shouted upward.
"Grandpa!" scolded Arnold. "I can't believe you're betting on my love life… and murder!"
"What? I knew she wouldn't do it. The girl's a total softie. It was easy money!"
"Oh, sure, now you tell me… is what I would say if I had made such a bet, which I did not, and I should sue you for even making such a suggestion! Now, if you will excuse me, I have to leave for reasons completely unrelated to finding a way to raise the money, eh heh heh heh," Oskar declared, scurrying off.
-HELGA-
"She thinks you're her god?" Phoebe asked, clearly trying to stifle laughter. I was back home at this point, after foraging in the fridge for sustenance. Miriam was working late tonight, what with this being the busiest shopping season and all (she had tried to get off to see my play, but no go), but she'd left a casserole in the fridge to be heated up. I really needed to vent, so I gave Phoebe a call; she was already at her grandma's in Kentucky for the break, but this could easily be handled over the phone.
"Well, she did. I seem to have convinced her that I'm not the actual goddess, but she still thinks I'm some kind of avatar or something."
"Well, I know you're good with fire, but have you tried the other three elements? *giggle*"
"Oh, you're a comedian tonight, huh?"
"Well, you must admit the thought of it is quite amusing. I mean, no offense, but you hardly carry yourself in a divine manner. It is quite the coincidence that you resemble this goddess of hers so closely. Almost makes one think…"
"…you seriously think she might be on to something? You of all people?"
"Helga, need I remind you that I only recently visited a parallel dimension, populated by mystical creature of every type? I am a skeptic by nature, but even I can not reman in denial in the face of overwhelming evidence that supernatural forces exist. So… yes, it may be entirely possible that this Xothipacla has chosen you as her representative on Earth, or that you are her reincarnation."
"Okay, but, there's still the matter that, if getting my powers was some sort of magical destiny for me, then… what about you and Rhonda."
"*shrug* *well, I couldn't see her shrug but I can picture her shrugging right at this point* Magical destiny splash damage?"
"Magical destiny splash damage?"
"I don't have all the answers. I'm new at the whole 'believing in magic' thing. Anyway, we still have plenty of stuff to catch up on. Like the upcoming Night of Awkwardness."
"Eh… you know what, at this point, I'm not that worried about it. I was able to survive a conversation with just the three of us without bolting from the room, secluding myself and waxing poetic to my locket, so I think I can hack this. In fact, I'm not even sore at you for abandoning me n my hour of need anymore."
"Helga, I haven't seen Granny McIntyre in three years. She's eighty-four. Who know how many more chances I'll get?"
"Yeah, yeah, family is the real treasure, yadda yadda yadda… point is, I'll be fine."
"Rhonda turned you down too, huh."
"I thought for sure she'd go for it, I mean, doesn't she practically live for drama? Oh well… guess I'm ready as I'll ever be…"
A.N.: Yep, the "Mickey Wachowski" in last chapter's play was Mickey the Weasel, as seen this chapter. What kind of dirt is he looking for? And will he find the really big piece of dirt? Time will only tell!
Jose: Yeah, I thought Helga naming Curly was a nice touch.
Veganmama: Well, it looks like Arnold and Shaia stay together… for now…
And to the guest who left a review on the original Body Issues (I have no way of knowing if they will see this, but if you don't sign your reviews I can't very well respond to you personally, can I?), no, I have no plans on finishing that story, or anything else from that time. I abandoned those stories over ten years ago, and I barely remember anything about them, let alone where I was going to have them go. If anyone wants to continue or reboot those stories, you're welcome to give it a go as long as you get my approval first. Otherwise, those stories are pretty much dead… well, technically this series is a loose Rhondagenesis reboot, but I guess if someone wants to do a take on that old series they'd be welcome to give it a go, too.
Next: Part 4! Will everything go normally, or will Xothipacla once again tighten her cord and drag Arnodl and Helga back together?