Chapter 48

Weird Cousin III: The Revenge

Hillwood Bus Terminal

-ARNOLD-

It was still like looking into some kind of warped mirror.

He still favored suspenders and purple checked shirts. The propeller beanie was gone, but then, I hadn't worn my own little blue cap for some time now. The hair was shorter, too, like mine, And he still walked with that same odd slump, and his eyes still blinked slightly out of sync.

No, puberty had not done Arnie Hoover any favors.

"Hey, Arnie," I said. "Grandpa's waiting outside."

"'Kay. *snort* Let's go."

I hadn't expected any more than that. Arnie's never been much of a talker. Or a doer. Or, well, made much of an impression, really. Other than being really, really, off-putting. I guess I really shouldn't put it against him, he just… is how he is, but he also has a tendency to latch onto girls I'm interested in. first Lila way back when, and now Helga. Also he once tried to murder me, but that was just a weird dream I had.

"So, how was the trip over?" Grandpa asked in a probably futile attempt to start a conversation.

"It was all right. I read a very interesting Choco-Roll wrapper on the way."

"Oh, yeah," Grandpa responded, rolling his eyes. "I read that last week. Non-stop thrill ride. Turns out the potassium benzoate did it."

"Heh."

Wait… did I hear that correctly?

Could it be… was it possible… that Arnie could have a sense of humor? This threw my entire world view into question. Maybe he'd just been joking about trying to steal Helga… not that she was mine to steal, but still, that would be unwanted harassment and I didn't want her to have t deal with anything like that.

When we arrived back at the boarding house, I found Shaia reading on the couch. Yet another potential problem; Shaia was my current girlfriend, which means she was yet another target for Arnie. And while Arnie going after Shaia would mean Helga was going to be left alone, frankly this wouldn't be an improvement. The truth was, it shouldn't be any of my business if Arnie went after Helga. No matter that the feelings were still there, would always be there, right now I had no claim on her. It was different with Shaia.

Shaia glanced up at the opening of the door. "Oh," she said, "this must be your cousin, Arnie." She stood up and gave the traditional Green Eyes Tribe greeting bow. "My name is Shaia Ojoverde. I am pleased to meet you."

"Hey," he said back in his usual monotone. He didn't seem to be showing any interest in her, but it was almost impossible to tell with Arnie.

"I assume you will be coming with us this afternoon?"

This afternoon- Oh, crap, that's right! Today was supposed to be the day that Lila was performing at Friar's Roast, the hipster coffee bar that occupied part of the site that once housed Big Bob's Beeper Emporium. Those of the gang that were in town had agree to get together to see her set. And that included Helga.

"What's this afternoon?" questioned Arnie. Now, he was family, and I was stuck with him, but that didn't mean I wanted him around me all the time. "Oh, nothing much."

"A friend of Arnold's will be playing music at a coffee shop," Shaia unwelcomingly informed him.

"Helga?" Arnie asked, perking up slightly, though you would probably have to be paying very close attention to notice.

"…no… does she play an instrument? No, it is Lila."

"Oh. We used to date. I broke up with her. She was kind of too clingy." Yes! He probably won't want to go now.

"I'm sure Helga will be there, though. Perhaps you could see her there?" No! I keep forgetting that Shaia isn't up on all the personal dynamics at play here. As far as she knows, Helga has just become single again and there's nothing wrong with Arnie being interested in her. Well, maybe he still won't be interested.

"OK. I guess I'll go with you, then." NO!

"Uh… Shaia, can I please talk to you in private for a moment?"

"Certainly." she said. I took her into the kitchen.

"So, uh, here's the thing. I kind of… don't want Arnie anywhere near Helga."

"Why not?" she asked.

"Well, see, thing is, he's tried to get close to her before, and Helga is definitely not interested, but Arnie isn't very good at taking o for an answer. I'm afraid that if he's around her he's going to start harassing her.

"Oh… well, you really should have let me know all this before he arrived."

"To be fair, I didn't think of it at the time."

"I suppose it is too late for that now. Still… perhaps you have worried for nothing? Maybe he has changed his ways since the last time he was here?"

"It has been a long time… maybe he was joking when he sai he was going to steal Helga away from me."

"Is that what he said? Does he know you and Helga are not together?"

"I'm not sure telling him that would make any difference. It might even make him more determined since he wouldn't have any competition. Well… it doesn't matter now. We're stuck with him today." I shrugged. "Well, maybe you're right. Maybe he has changed."

"See? There is the positive Arnold that I have grown to love. But if it turns out that he has not…" She grasped my hand, "I want you to know that you have my permission to engage in a ridiculous romantic-comedy-style farce in which you pretend to still be involved with Helga in order to keep Arnie at bay."

My eyebrows went up. "Y-you do? Aren't you worried that, I dunno, old feelings'll stir up again and I'll leave you for her?"

"I am not a fool, Arnold. I know the old feelings are there. They will always be there. She was your first real love, and those feelings never go away." She smiled. "I should know. Do you think you are my first?"

"But you'd let me do it?"

"Yes. I trust you Arnold. I know that you are not the kind of person who would betray me in such a manner. Besides… it will be funny."

Friar's Roast

-HELGA-

Bob would be appalled if he knew what was standing on the former site of the Beeper Emporium. Friar's was absolutely reeking of Portand-Hillwood-Seattle-belt hipsterism, right down to the barista's man-bun. It was a living, breathing anathema to everything Mr. Meat and Potatoes stood for. I could actually picture him bursting into flames upon walking into the place, not unlike a vampire walking into a crucifix, garlic, and sun lamp shop.

I'd showed up early to help Lila set up her gear. Years of being around electronics (and using some of it for covert surveillance) had given me a bit of a knack for A/V. Not that I'm bragging or anything. The opposite, really; if people knew I had that kind of skill they'd be pestering me for help all the time, and I have a life.

"Thanks for helping me out," Lila said. "I'm kind of hopeless when it comes to this sort of thing."

"No problem, farmgirl," I replied. "Seeing as I'm single again, I have a lot more time on my hands."

"Right, I heard," she said.

"Well, yeah, I told Rhonda, so of course you heard. Everyone heard. There's tiny isolated tribes in New Guinea that heard. You don't seem all that shocked, though…"

"I'm not sure what you want me to say. I mean… it was blindingly obvious that he was the rebound guy, that nothing about this relationship was long-term, and that you're still in love with Arnold and always will be, you know, it, I know it, everyone knows it, denying it is pointless. What else is there to say?"

"*sigh* That's how Brainy put it too."

"Well, he's a smart guy. He probably knew what he was getting into at the beginning. I guess he just decided to sit back and enjoy the ride while it lasted." She paused for a sip of her coffee. "The old Lila would have never had coffee."

"Do you even like it?" I asked. She made a face every time she took a sip.

"It's taking some getting used to, but I find myself craving it now."

"Yeah, that would be called 'addiction.' I guess we should consider ourselves lucky that you didn't decide to take up smoking as your Official Rock Star Vice."

"Ew! No thanks! I couldn't even stand the smell when I didn't have enhanced senses. Could you imagine it now?"

"Bob's girlfriend smokes, so… yeah. I can absolutely imagine."

Another sip, another grimace. "So… what now?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, are you going to go back to Arnold now?"

"I don't know if you've noticed, but he's with someone else these days."

"And since when did you let a thing like that stop you?"

"Since I decided that I don't want to be that Helga ever again. Besides… two girls fighting over a guy is the biggest damn cliché ever. I actually like Shaia. I don't want to see her as my enemy. And do we really have to keep talking about this? We are failing the Bechdel Test hardcore. Let's talk about something, anything else." To be honest, I couldn't care less about some arbitrary story standard – this isn't a story anyway, it's my life – but after the way that date ended, I really, really wanted to avoid talking about romance in any way. "Anything going on with you, musically?"

"Well, I've been putting out feelers about starting a band… Laura from my music club plays the drums, and if I can get her interested, that's half the band right there. We just need a bassist and maybe a keyboard player."

I thought a bit. "I think Rhonda used to take bass lessons for a while, back in seventh grade, but I don't know if anything ever came of it, or if she still even has a bass."

"What about you? Don't you play the piano? Keyboard's kinda like piano…"

"Oh, no no no. I took lessons, but I'm not any good." That's a lie. Olga may get all the attention, but I can play almost as well as she can if I put any effort into it. The thing is, I don't want to put any effort into it. Piano is her thing, not mine. I may not harbor the seething hatred for her I used to, but I still don't want to be her cheaper knock-off. If I'm going to be recognized, I want it to be for the things I can do, not for being Olga 2.0: Younger and Slightly Less Attractive.

"Hmm. Shame. Being in a band with my two best friends would be pretty great."

That was something I wasn't expecting to hear. "You consider me one of your two best friends? Really?"

"Uh… yes. I thought you were aware of that."

"Clearly, I wasn't. Seriously?"

"Seriously. I know we didn't exactly start off on the right foot, but these last few years, you've been pretty amazing to know. Not to mention that whole thing where you saved my life and all."

"You're never going to let me forget that, are you."

"Deal with it, Helga."

Some of our friends were beginning to trickle in for the performance. Rhonda and Nadine grabbed a table near the stage, soon joined by Stinky and Rani… were they together again? I know they probably had a sloppy makeout session at that concert, but that was all the way back in the summer, and I hadn't heard anything about their romantic lives since then. Honestly, if they were, good for him! Not that Rani was one of my favorite people, but she was practically a saint compared to Gloria. And Stinky wasn't exactly Prince Charming, but he was a decent guy, and he deserved someone who wouldn't treat him like an accessory.

Gerald and Sid arrived together (Phoebe was still in Kentucky, but would be watching via a live feed from the 'net), followed by Sheena, Curly, and Eugene, the latter sporting an arm in a sling (at this point, no one even questioned how he got his injuries, it was just an accepted fact of life).

Finally, Arnold and Shaia arrived, and yes, I admit, it hurt to see him with someone else. It would always hurt to see him with someone else. But that wasn't Shaia's fault. It really wasn't Arnold's either. Or mine. It simply… was.

Now, the third person with them… that was something painful. "Wonderful," I muttered to myself.

Next to me, Lila suddenly brightened. "Oh, is that Arnie? I didn't know he was going to be here." Oh, right, that was a thing that happened.

"Reign it in, girl. Don't you have a boyfriend? Isn't he literally right there?" I pointed to the nearest table, where Wolfgang waved and whistled back.

"Oh… right. Yes. Wolfgang. My boyfriend. How could I forget." She shook her head. "Sorry. It's just been so long since I've seen him and, you know, nostalgia and all.

"Honestly, what did you see in him? The boy had all the charisma of a used paper towel. You could and have done better, and bear in mind, that includes a guy who used to shove us in trash cans and our own personal equivalent of Shaggy from Scooby-Doo."

"I don't know. I can't explain it, there was just… something about him. The way he would… count things and… read labels and…" she shook her head. "…what did I see in him? I honestly am not sure any more."

"Oh, great, he's coming over here. Is it too late to pretend I'm my twin cousin Hilda or something?"

"You know, I actually do ha-" Whatever Lila was about to say was cut off when Arnie thrust himself in my face. "Hello, Helga. *snort* I've been counting the minutes since the last time I saw you. I'm up to three million, six-hundred-fifty-nine thousand, eight hundred fifty-two."

"…wow, has it been that many?"

"Fifty-three," he continued. "But now, fate has once again united us. It's time we admitted the burning passion that binds our souls together. We are as inseparable as calcium silicate and anti-caking properties. You know you can't deny it. Give in to your passion." The surreality of hearing this burning declaration of love spoken in such a dreary monotone was almost overwhelming.

As if sensing my discomfort (but then, a slab of drywall could probably sense my discomfort, Lila inserted herself between us. "Hello, Arnie," she said. "It's me, Lila. Remember me?"

Arnie cocked his head, expression unchaging. "I liked your old hair better," he said dully.

Lila's friendly expression quickly went sour, like a tub of ranch dressing on a hot day. "…yep, definitely questioning my choices in life," she said, walking off.

"Now that she's gone, maybe the two of us can run off together."

"I, uh, have prior commitments that I really need to honor," I protested, backing away.

"Forget them. The world around us means nothing so long as we are together. It's you and me, baby. Here. Let me offer you a token to prove my love for you." He reached into his pocket, producing a tiny box, the kind in which you might find an engagement ring.

I've gone insane, I realized. There is no way this could really be happening, so the only explanation is that I've gone insane.

Arnie opened the box. Inside was not a ring. No, that actually would make too much sense. What was inside was a small lump of greyish fluff. "What am I looking at?" I made the mistake of asking.

"The crown jewel of my collection," he said, solemnly. "It's from the left rear pocket of a pair of 1975 Wranglers. There was no better year for lint. And I want you to have it. I can think of no greater symbol of my love. "

Of course. Nearly fifty-year-old pocket lint. What else could it be? I suppose one might think it was touching… if it wasn't so creepy and gross. "Uh… thank you… but you don't have to to."

"But I do…"

"No, you don't. You really don't. I would vastly prefer it if you don't." I think if I time it just right I can push him over and make it out the door in – no, the window. The door would take too long. Then run for the bus… no, schedule's too erratic. I'll just fly out of town. Rip some holes in my clothes. I never liked this coat anyway. I could probably make it as far as Redmond in a few hours… get a job at Hinobi or something…

"Excuse me," Arnold said, pushing his way between us. "What do you think you're doing?"

"I thought it was obvious," explained Arnie. "I'm pledging my eternal adoration to the lovely Helga."

"Well, you can't. Helga is my girl, and if you want her, you're gonna have to go through me."

"What th-?" I managed to stammer.

"Hey, you left her for six months. That means she's up for grabs."

"Up for grabs? What am I, the last slice of pizza? Don't I get a-"

"Helga," Arnold said, turning toward me. Play along, he mouthed. "I'm sorry I left you alone for so long. Those months apart from you were like torture. Now that I'm back, all I want is to bask in your presence." Criminy. He was never this poetic when we were together. Of course, he didn't need to be. I was poetic enough for both of us.

I'd ask what he was doing, but it was pretty obvious; he was playing the irate boyfriend to keep Arnie out of my hair. And while it really wasn't something I needed, it looked like it was happening whether I wanted it to or not. I glanced over at Shaia to see what she thought of this. To my surprise, she didn't seem annoyed at all; if anything, she looked like she was kind of amused. My estimation of the girl went up even further; lord knows I wouldn't be taking this as easily as she was.

Well screw it, if this was happening, it was happening. "Oh, Arnold, I forgive you. Our time apart was naught but unending torment for me, as well. Come, my love, let us make up for the time we have lost! Let nothing come between us ever again, not miles, nor time, nor force human or divine! With this, true love's kiss, let our pact of devotion be sealed!"

"Is this part of the show?" a random hipster questioned. "Because I find the dialogue forced and a bit cliché'd. Honestly, It feels like you just decided to improvise on the-"

"Ah, shaddap, beardo!" I retorted. Yeah, I'm going over the top, but I can go over the top if I damn well please! "Now, where were we before we were so rudely interrupted?"

"I believe we were around… here," he said, leaning in. "Let's make this look good," he whispered. Oh, believe me, he doesn't need to tell me what to do. I have six months of pent-up passion that is just aching to set itself free, tongue first. Who cared if it was fake? I'll take what I can get."

Or lips met, and for one moment, it was if not time at all had passed. Brainy didn't exist, Shaia ddn't exist, that obnoxious hipster didn't exist, hell, Friar's didn't exist. It all fell away, there was nothing but him and me and the vast, empty void around us.

"Wow," I allowed myself.

And then, all too soon, with the intake of breath needed for the utterance to escape my lips, it ended. My inner guilt reminded me that this wasn't real and he wasn't mine, he was just being his gracious football-headed self, playing a role to help me. Let's just hope Arnie was convinced. And that Shaia wasn't.

"As you can see," Arnold pointed out to his bizarro of a cousin, "Helga and I are very much deeply in love, so I'd better not catch you trying anything. Got it?"

"Yeah, what he said," I added. "Step off, bucko."

"You win this round. But mark my words, I will have her. It's only a matter of time before she succumbs to my charms. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go count some coffee."

"How do you count coffee?" I asked as he walked off.

"He found a way," Arnold handwaved as we walked back to the block of tables occupied by our friends, choosing seats at the table Gerald, Sid, and Shaia were sharing.

"What the hell was that?" Gerald asked. "I thought you and Shaia were together. Now you're back with Helga? How do I not know about this?"

"It was, uh, kind of a spur of the moment thing," Arnold lied. "I'll uh, tell you about it later." Gerald looked unconvinced, but held his tongue for now.

"So, I guess you two will be coming to my New Years' Eve party together now, huh?" Rhonda asked, clearly also confused by the sudden turn of events.

"It sure looks that way, doesn't it," I replied.

"Oh, Shaia…" Rhonda said sympathetically, "This must be hard for you to watch."

"I will be fine, Rhonda," she replied. "To be honest, they were made for each other. It's as if the goddess bound them together."

"You are still coming to the party, though, right?" she asked.

"Of course," Shaia said. "I would not miss my first New Years' Eve party. We never had anything like that in my village."

"What party?" Arnie suddenly asked.

"Criminy, where'd you come from?" Somehow, without anyone noticing, he had materialized in the seat immediately next to me.

"I finished counting the coffee. There was eight hundred and twenty three. Anyway, what party?"

"Rhonda's big New Years' Eve party!" Eugene replied, oblivious to the horrified look on the host's face. "It's sure to be the event of the season."

"Cool. Guess I'll see you all there."

"Yes," Rhonda replied, biting her lower lip, eyes darting back and forth. "It would be terribly rude of me to disinvite you now that *gritted teeth* Eugene has been so kind as to let you know about it. *very insincere grin* I'll see you there."

"Good. Hey, Shaia. Wanna be my date?"

"Oh, ah…"

"Great. I'll pick you up at the boarding house. Since we're both staying there."

Okay, on the one hand, this was rapidly devolving into a mess that would get even the hackiest romantic comedy writer fired. On the other, KISS FROM ARNOLD! WORTH IT! Well, maybe not worth Shaia getting roped into a date with Mister Personality over there, but better her than me, right?

…criminy, I haven't changed at all, have I? Look how easily I'm able to throw someone who's supposedly my friend under the bus just so I can play pretend with Arnold. She really doesn't deserve this. She's probably a better girlfriend than I ever was.

Sadly, it was too late now. We were all fully mired in this tangled farce of a scheme. And from what I knew about schemes, they tended to unravel at the most inopportune of moments.

I was "back" with Arnold. And it was the last thing I wanted.

A.N.: Well, this took a turn, didn't it? It's almost certainly going to spiral out of control. Good for comedy, bad for anything else.

Rosali: Bueno, Arnold y Helga están juntos ahora ... algo así como ...

Veganmama: Well, it looks like Arnie's developed a liking to her… or probably he's just trying to make Helga jealous. And yes, Gerald doesn't get nearly enough love. Then again, how many characters that aren't Helga and… let's face it, Helga, because even Arnold is often reduced to just a prop for her, do?

Jose: Helga may not be obsessed with Arnold to the extent that she was, but she still has a blind spot for him, which is even worse on her psyche now that she has self-awareness about it.

Next: A FARCE, I say!