Paint and Powder

A Star Trek anthology by Andrew Joshua Talon

DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fan based work of prose. Star Trek: The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager et al are the property of CBS Television, and creation of Gene Roddenberry. Please support the official release.

Treat Her Like a Lady

Enterprise did not think much of it at first, when the first gifts from Data came. She didn't mind his somewhat strange behavior around her… At first. The crew was new, she was the first ship girl to have an AI on board not attached to her. She also had the first Klingon in Starfleet (and wasn't that shocking) and a much older captain compared to her younger ones from before.

Eventually though, it got tiresome.

Every day, she would get a single rose from Data. Every week she would get chocolate, every couple of weeks Data would ask to have "lunch" with her, knowing they didn't need to eat. Whenever he sees her he would always hold the turbo lift doors open for her, or walk behind her.

Despite her being a hologram!

He also treated her a lot more softly than she had seen him with other females. Even after his one night stand with Tasha Yar, Data showered her with constant attention. The pure look of jealousy on Tasha's face when she saw her made her feel bad.

All of these little incidents had finally made her come to a conclusion: Despite Data's self professed inability to feel emotions, he clearly had a crush on her. Judging by how the crew looked at her and Data with a smirk, everyone knew it too.

It seemed stereotypical of humans to think that just because there were two shipboard AI on board of opposite gender, that they would be automatically drawn to each other and start popping out AI babies.

Well, as much as she liked everyone, this crush of Data had to end. She would let him down as gently as possible. So, with the new bouquet of roses in one hand, and a box of exotic chocolate in the other, Enterprise found herself in front of Data's door. She hit the doorbell..

"Enter." Data said as the door opened.

There sat Data on the couch, petting his cat. His cat appeared a bit disgruntled.

"Enterprise. What is the nature of your visit?"

Enterprise stepped in as the door shut and looked hard at Data before sighing.

"Data-" Enterprise began. She had a speech ready, but all of a sudden it seemed inappropriate. So she'd wing it, saying what needed to be said from deep down.

"Data, I appreciate you as a crew member of this ship and as another AI. I want you to keep that in mind."

"As do I to you, Enterprise." Data's emotionless voice replied.

Enterprise sighed.

"Look, I'll just come out and say it. This crush on me you got? It's cute but also distracting. l am sorry Data, I just don't feel the same way."

Data tilted his head in curiosity.

"Crush. To compress or squeeze something to break or destroy it. I do not believe I have ever attempted anything like that towards you, Enterprise. You are mistaken."

Enterprise facepalmed, but realized she kinda went through the same thing in her formative years. Bluntness it was.

"Look, this attraction you have for me, I'm flattered, but I will have to ask you to stop."

There. She said it. Once again, Data cocked his head a bit.

"I am incapable of romantic feelings, Enterprise."

"I meant this romantic interest you have in me." Enterprise tried another way. "One might call it fascination?"

"Enterprise, as I am not capable of emotion, I am incapable of having any sort of romantic intentions or interest toward you." Data rebutted methodically.

"Well that's not the signal I am getting from you. You've been sending me flowers, perfumes, chocolates, acting differently around me in public. People call that attraction, Data!"

"Oh. I see." Data turned his head left and right before he looked at her. "It appears that my attempt to treat you like a lady according to Admiral McCoy advice have made you think I have romantic inclinations toward you. I must apologize for that misconception, but I am not."

Enterprise blinked.

"McCoy? What did he have to do with this?"

"Admiral McCoy told me to treat you like a lady and if done so correctly, you would bring the entire crew home. So for the good of the crew , I researched what it means and have decided the 20th century form of treatment was still widely popular even today."

"O-oh." Enterprise just wanted to throw herself into a sun and just die. "w-well. It seems that was my mistake. Don't take McCoy's advice too literally. Just be normal and stop with the gifts."

"I shall do so." Data nodded.

Enterprise was about to vanish, just before-

"Oh. Enterprise. While I do find you fascinating as a fellow AI and Androids. I believe if I were to pursue a romantic relationship, it would most likely be with an organic female."

"Goo-good day Data." Enterprise left, humiliated and embarrassed to hell.

Written by Vahnhammer, edited by me.