Paint and Powder

A Star Trek anthology by Andrew Joshua Talon

DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fan based work of prose. Star Trek: The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager et al are the property of CBS Television, and creation of Gene Roddenberry. Please support the official release.

Voyager: "The Last Straw"

Neelix was happily cooking up some lunch grub in the mess, when the doors opened. This wasn't an unusual event, mind you-The mess hall had two sets of doors. But all conversation ceased, and there were some gasps of horror in the air. That was unusual.

Neelix looked up, peeking over the counter... And gaped.

There stood Voyager's gynoid, covered in red liquids. Liquids that Neelix recognized, and in an instant, his eyes widened in horrified realization.

"Oh no-!"

"Neelix," Voyager began, frighteningly calm as she smiled in an unnerving way, "do you recognize this substance?"

"Ah, er, uh, y-yes, it's-"

"Oh good! I thought you might," Voyager went on, still maddeningly calm as she stalked towards him, "because I found it in my previously temperature controlled gynoid repair and storage lab. In fact... I found all of it."

Neelix coughed, and nodded.

"Ah, well, er, um... I guess... It wasn't the best place to store my Talaxian jams as I thought it was?"

Voyager summoned her chainsaw, and revved it up. Neelix gulped.

"You might say that, yes," Voyager hissed.

Janeway sighed as an alert went off on Harry's console.

"I swear, Harry, if it's another complaint from Ensign Wildman about Seven monopolizing her daughter-"

"Er, no, it's uh... I need to get to the Mess Hall! Right now!" Harry shouted, immediately turning and running for the turbolift. Janeway frowned deeply.

"Harry! Wait! Voyager? Do you know what's going on?"

The holographic avatar of Voyager beamed.

"Oh nothing! Just some pest control~! A nasty hedgehog has finally gone too far!"

"Nasty hedgehog-VOYAGER!"

Janeway got no further with the avatar, and so ran for the turbolift too. She got to the messhall and ran inside. The sight within was... Well, it was exactly what she expected.

Neelix was cowering behind Kes, who had her hands up in surrender. Voyager's gynoid was being held back by no less than five crewmembers-Including Tuvok. All of whom were visibly straining.

"Voyager, this behavior is most irrational," Tuvok tried.

"No Tuvok: Cheese bacteria in my neural gel packs is irrational. Dirty laundry in my shuttle bay, that's irrational. Vermin chewing on my EPS conduits, that's irrational."

She hefted her chainsaw up.

"This? This will be fun."

"Voyager! Stand down!" Janeway ordered, walking up in front of the deranged gynoid. "I'm sure Neelix is very sorry-"

"NO! NO! THIS IS THE LAST STRAW!" Voyager bellowed. "I'M NOT PUTTING UP WITH HIM FOR ONE NANOSECOND LONGER! THE ONLY REASON I HAVEN'T BEAMED HIM INTO SPACE IS BECAUSE OF THOSE LOCKOUTS!"

"Please, Voyager!" Kes begged. "You're my friend! You can't do this to my friend-"

"I'll help you with Tom Paris," Voyager stated.

Kes blushed, and hesitated.

"KES!" Neelix cried at his ex-girlfriend.

"VOYAGER!" B'Elanna growled.

"I didn't say anything!" Kes squawked.

"Please Voyager? As your boyfriend, it would really not help me if you started murdering members of the crew!" Harry grunted.

"I'll do all those things you put on that list of 'Things to do with my girlfriend Voyager'," she said, "starting with A. In any order you like."

Harry flushed. He shook his head.

"Bribery won't work!"

"Look, Voyager," Janeway sighed, "we've been through this song and dance before. You threaten to kill Neelix, you calm down, he makes good, and we get back together again. We both know you could have killed him if you really wanted to by now."

"She could?" Neelix asked, perking up.

"So that must mean you like him, on some level," Janeway went on.

"DON'T PLAY PSYCHOANALYST WITH ME, CAPTAIN!" Voyager growled. She sighed heavily, glaring death at the Talaxian.

"Fine. You're cleaning up my entire lab, you creep! IN VACUUM!"

"Do... Do I get a spacesuit?" Neelix asked.

"If I'm feeling generous, yes," Voyager hissed.

"He gets a spacesuit," Janeway deadpanned.

"FINE!" Voyager grabbed Harry, and threw him over her shoulder, "your quarters! NOW! You're cleaning me up!"

"Yes dear," Harry sighed, though he did have a little smile on his face as she exited.

Janeway rubbed her forehead. Tom, B'Elanna and Kes were awkwardly not talking or looking at one another. Tuvok looked as exasperated as only a Vulcan can. Harren was playing chess against himself... And losing. Neelix sighed in relief.

"You think she'll like pine scented cleaners, Captain?"

"I'm sure she'll let you know," Janeway sighed.

Fuck, she needed a drink.

Because Voyager could be like that.